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Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears


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7 hours ago, tigol said:

I just noticed that I didn't address security.

I had the same initial misgivings, but the sessions are not recorded and the security steps put me at ease.  After the first couple sessions it didn't cross my mind.  I did use a VPN.

Thanks. I almost posted a follow up. I'm determined to be completely honest and transparent if I do this and thus I'm pretty nervous to admit to my multiple fetishes around random household appliances to someone only to have my data sold when a company gets acquired and yada yada yada next thing you know I'm banned from Bed Bath and Beyond. 

Did you go through a better help type of interface or a local provider that also sees clients virtually? 

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6 hours ago, Baboontyme said:

Thanks. I almost posted a follow up. I'm determined to be completely honest and transparent if I do this and thus I'm pretty nervous to admit to my multiple fetishes around random household appliances to someone only to have my data sold when a company gets acquired and yada yada yada next thing you know I'm banned from Bed Bath and Beyond. 

Did you go through a better help type of interface or a local provider that also sees clients virtually? 

It was an interface that the insurance allowed.  I think better help was one, but I found my therapist through Psychology Today and just followed the link.

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15 hours ago, Baboontyme said:

I am curious if anyone in my general demographic (mid-late 40s male, straight as far as I know) has opinions on gender of the therapist. 

I think it heavily depends on your personality (and of course, the therapist).  I’ve had both and had better luck with women (no pics).  I tend to be more defensive and guarded with men because I want to be “right” whereas with women I tend to want to try to please them more (by talking more openly and being more engaged).  But I think the therapist’s intellect, style, background, annd personality are more important than their gender.

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My psychiatrist is a Hispanic woman from Webb county. She is also a close family friend and I’m convinced she’s crazier than me.

The insane psycho woman that grew my children in her womb is also an LPC. I’m over it now, but I used to be prejudiced against therapists.

However, wife #2 who adopted my kids and became their surrogate mother figure is now earning a MS and will be a LPC upon retirement from her state job in a few years.

Her therapist is a lesbian.

My AA sponsor which is the closest thing I have to a therapist is an old west Texas lawyer.

If I needed serious therapy I’d find someone like Lorraine Bracco.

5dd9a4f56e335419b3fff913e9dee675.jpg

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On 12/4/2024 at 6:21 PM, BearSchlong said:

My psychiatrist is a Hispanic woman from Webb county. She is also a close family friend and I’m convinced she’s crazier than me.

The insane psycho woman that grew my children in her womb is also an LPC. I’m over it now, but I used to be prejudiced against therapists.

However, wife #2 who adopted my kids and became their surrogate mother figure is now earning a MS and will be a LPC upon retirement from her state job in a few years.

Her therapist is a lesbian.

My AA sponsor which is the closest thing I have to a therapist is an old west Texas lawyer.

If I needed serious therapy I’d find someone like Lorraine Bracco.

5dd9a4f56e335419b3fff913e9dee675.jpg

Whatever happened to Gary Cooper?

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On 12/4/2024 at 6:21 PM, BearSchlong said:

My psychiatrist is a Hispanic woman from Webb county. She is also a close family friend and I’m convinced she’s crazier than me.

The insane psycho woman that grew my children in her womb is also an LPC. I’m over it now, but I used to be prejudiced against therapists.

However, wife #2 who adopted my kids and became their surrogate mother figure is now earning a MS and will be a LPC upon retirement from her state job in a few years.

Her therapist is a lesbian.

My AA sponsor which is the closest thing I have to a therapist is an old west Texas lawyer.

If I needed serious therapy I’d find someone like Lorraine Bracco.

5dd9a4f56e335419b3fff913e9dee675.jpg

I could tell you horror stories about how the vast majority of therapists have NO BUSINESS rendering what they believe is therapy.

They are so caught up in countertransference that in any other profession, they could be sued for negligence and/or malpractice.

Here is an article on countertransference:

https://www.relationalpsych.group/articles/what-is-countertransference-in-therapy

If you are looking into therapy, you must, you must, YOU MUST, treat this relationship as an interview and YOU are interviewing the therapist to see if they are a good fit.  Do your research and homework.  Ask whatever questions you deem are appropriate.  If the therapist refuses to answer, give them one last opportunity and if the therapist is still reluctant to be transparent ... leave.

You are entrusting your emotions, your feelings, your fears and concerns with them. They must earn that trust by being transparent with you.

Accept nothing less!

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I think modalities are equally as important, unfortunately without a lot of experience it’s really hard to know what to look for. I personally like internal family systems / “parts work” style therapy, body work / sympathetic / parasympathetic nervous system work / Re-decision therapy / inner child, critical parent type work. What I loathe is simple chit chat or talk therapy. Fucking open the hood, dismantle, and repair the damn thing instead of just talking about it. CRM comprehensive resource modeling is my new therapeutic style - it’s a parts work, SNS and para-SNS framework that kicks all kinds of ass for emotional trauma.

for me, I recognize the complexities of neurobiology and the interplay between conscious and unconscious thought, the brain is highly adaptive, reactive and symbolic. Combining latest research and a recognition that our frontal cortex (language) doesn’t even remotely touch our deepest traumas, it’s clear to me the best jumping off point for deep restorative work starts with the more obscure parts of the brain that we have little direct conscious access too. CRM is way out there - basically self induced conscious trance or dream like states using heavy imagery and symbolic work - but there is science behind it. 

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1 hour ago, troph said:

I think modalities are equally as important, unfortunately without a lot of experience it’s really hard to know what to look for. I personally like internal family systems / “parts work” style therapy, body work / sympathetic / parasympathetic nervous system work / Re-decision therapy / inner child, critical parent type work. What I loathe is simple chit chat or talk therapy. Fucking open the hood, dismantle, and repair the damn thing instead of just talking about it. CRM comprehensive resource modeling is my new therapeutic style - it’s a parts work, SNS and para-SNS framework that kicks all kinds of ass for emotional trauma.

for me, I recognize the complexities of neurobiology and the interplay between conscious and unconscious thought, the brain is highly adaptive, reactive and symbolic. Combining latest research and a recognition that our frontal cortex (language) doesn’t even remotely touch our deepest traumas, it’s clear to me the best jumping off point for deep restorative work starts with the more obscure parts of the brain that we have little direct conscious access too. CRM is way out there - basically self induced conscious trance or dream like states using heavy imagery and symbolic work - but there is science behind it. 

THIS is an incredibly insightful post.  A lot of very good information in here.

Thanks Troph.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/26/2024 at 10:06 PM, jetsfan76 said:

Does anyone else feel like life is just falling down a long, dark, infinite chasm, no matter how many good things are happening in their life? Oh, and fuck A&M.

The last six months yes. I’m probably 98% physically healthy but my PTSD and anxiety is going to take some real effort. My FIL is in memory care, my MIL is in skilled nursing and won’t eat enough to fully recover. Our Christmas Day is going to be filled with seeing them - separately - in care facilities.
 

My life previously on auto pilot now takes real effort to sleep well and to manage runaway negative thinking. I’m struggling with loving life like I used to. I’ll get it back but I’m afraid for my kids to find out what even middle age aging is like, I’m afraid of illness, I’m trying to regain trust in the inherent power of my body to heal itself, and I’m just left wondering is this all there is? 50 years old this year and thinking damn I’ve got 25 good years left that’s it? Fuck being a human is hard. I’m not ready for this last 1/2 to 1/3 of my life.

now the other part of me still believes 50-75 will be the best years of my life because I don’t give a fuck, I want good relationships with good people and am not caught up on the bullshit pretense of my youth and I’m in entering most productive and powerful decade of my career. 

in the end, I’m be honest, I’d like to regain my mental health, live the next 30-40 years well then just die in my sleep or die of a sudden heart attack (heart is in great shape so not sure about that one), and call it a life. Seeing my in-laws suffer from old age (mind you both have major underlying health issues) makes it really hard right now. 

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In a less shitty world, I’d be sitting at the kitchen table talking to the best woman I’ve ever known while she hand washed the Christmas china. We’d be talking about our gifts, what we think others thought of what we got for them, and what she was going to return. She was very particular. Talking about how lucky we are. And how glad she is that Christmas is over. Then we’d go lie down together and watch whatever show we were into at the moment. She’d say “Goodnight, biscuit, I love you” and we’d crash after a long day.

In this shitty world, she’s ashes on my fucking mantel. Her mother is out of town because she couldn’t stand to be home without her daughter in this world on this day. And I’m not entirely sure right now that I’m on the right side of the dirt. 

Is this all there is now? Spending time with women who I wouldn’t give the time of day if she were alive? A life of “less than” until my heart has the good sense to stop working? It’s not a very compelling future. 

This fucking sucks. 

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13 hours ago, Doc Daneeka said:

In a less shitty world, I’d be sitting at the kitchen table talking to the best woman I’ve ever known while she hand washed the Christmas china. We’d be talking about our gifts, what we think others thought of what we got for them, and what she was going to return. She was very particular. Talking about how lucky we are. And how glad she is that Christmas is over. Then we’d go lie down together and watch whatever show we were into at the moment. She’d say “Goodnight, biscuit, I love you” and we’d crash after a long day.

In this shitty world, she’s ashes on my fucking mantel. Her mother is out of town because she couldn’t stand to be home without her daughter in this world on this day. And I’m not entirely sure right now that I’m on the right side of the dirt. 

Is this all there is now? Spending time with women who I wouldn’t give the time of day if she were alive? A life of “less than” until my heart has the good sense to stop working? It’s not a very compelling future. 

This fucking sucks. 

You are 100% on the right side of the dirt. We need you here and I'm glad you're here. Lots of others feel the same way. 

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3 minutes ago, HRSchenker said:

You are 100% on the right side of the dirt. We need you here and I'm glad you're here. Lots of others feel the same way. 

Thank you. 

I cut it out of the original post, but a huge chunk of why I’m on this side of the dirt is the effect not being so would have had on others. There are still a shit ton of “I don’t want to be here” thoughts. And then our six year old niece will give me a drawing she made of us so I can “look at her when she’s not around” and maybe there are still some reasons to be here.

Two things, one serious and one not so much have helped. 

Suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it just transfers it. 

Don’t drive drunk. If you don’t make it home, your dogs will never know why you didn’t come home. 

Thanks again. 

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5 hours ago, Doc Daneeka said:

Thank you. 

I cut it out of the original post, but a huge chunk of why I’m on this side of the dirt is the effect not being so would have had on others. There are still a shit ton of “I don’t want to be here” thoughts. And then our six year old niece will give me a drawing she made of us so I can “look at her when she’s not around” and maybe there are still some reasons to be here.

Two things, one serious and one not so much have helped. 

Suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it just transfers it. 

Don’t drive drunk. If you don’t make it home, your dogs will never know why you didn’t come home. 

Thanks again. 

I was in a really dark place for a long time, my barrier to suicide was knowing that my sister would have to tell my little nieces that I was dead. And they would have a lot of questions. 
I still had it together enough to not put my sister in that situation. 

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Old man died this past November from a massive stroke. 68 years old and we'd more or less hated one another for the better part of a decade. Hurts more than I thought it would.

Back in 2020, at the height of COVID, I decided I was tired of the way shit worked in my shitty service corner of the O&G business. Went in a radical direction: applied and got accepted into law school at 37 with the idea of "helping people". Took out the loans to go, but had the rest of the 3 year financial plan mapped out and accounted. Pulled the trigger and did it in 2021. Pissed the old man off something fierce.

Got sick with COVID in January 2022. Never got better. Several thousands of dollars out of pocket later, the best diagnosis at present is long COVID with acute neuropathy (and no explanation as to how the former jumpstarted the latter). Money squirreled away for background tests, bar prep, and bar exam got spent on lung CTs and nerve specialists. So... no bar exam post-grad.

Graduated in May 2024. Over 150 applications out, ranging from my old life in the O&G service sector to anything legal adjacent or government. Can't even get a legitimate interview. Burned through everything trying to gig work and keep the lights on. In the process of a home refi (at such an opportune time!) to try and get some breathing room in the hopes of landing some sort of permanent employment.

The depression and despair are fucking tangible at this point. I went through a 12 week round of Spravato before our insurance cut it earlier this fall. It helped stabilize some stuff. Built a floor above the self-harm stuff. The usual cocktails of SSRIs and ADs and benzos haven't really done much other than keep things at the floor. Then again, how elevated should my mood be in these circumstances? I don't know. I just know I'm tired of living this shit.

Not really looking for any affirmations or anything. I'm not even sure why I'm typing this out. I've got a wife and kids and a past with failed attempts at self-harm, so I'm not in any really danger of suicide or anyting of the sort. Just screaming into the digital void with a bunch of random folks I doubt I'll ever actually meet in this weird corner of the Internet.

If you can find common ground with someone you hate, and you think that might be a valuable relationship, you might at least try. Politics are what they are today, less policy and more moral / social / cultural divides. I think my limited posting history lines up with that. The old man and I were never going to get back an eye-to-eye relationship, but there may have been something other than disdain in the end if I'd known there was more time. Not all hatchets are meant to be buried. But some are buried far too soon. Loss hurts more than you think. Even when you've convinced yourself you already "mourned their loss" years ago.

Hope the world gets better for you folks in this thread. Nobody should have to live with this stuff. Getting up and dealing with it every day is tougher than most people know. That counts for something, even if you think it doesn't.

tl:dr = "I ain't reading all that. I'm happy for u tho. Or sorry that happened."

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Long Covid is a real nightmare and is going to be / already is a public health crisis that few talk about. Hundreds of millions of dollars need to be poured into research. We have 5% of the population suffering from it. My cardiologist said, “long covid manifests in a lot of different ways, but there is one common theme - misery.”

saying I’m sorry won’t do shit. And while I’ve gone through my own journey, and at almost 6 months I do think I’m down to the last few symptoms, I know “have you thought about this or that” is not helpful at all.  So all I can offer is my understanding and empathy. 

hang in there brother.

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I hope this is the right place to ask this. My mom (retired) has expressed an interest (she mentioned it in passing) in speaking with a therapist, but I'm at a loss for where to start, especially since she lives 3+ hours away

My stepdad passed about a year ago, and her friend has suggested grief counseling. I added that talking to a therapist is not a bad idea for anybody, and she seemed open to the idea.

I asked if she has looked into anything and she hasn't in any serious way. She did mention that most of the therapists she has come across in her area seem to be faith-based, which does not appeal to her.

I figured I'd ask here to see if ya'll had any suggestions for therapists... or even where to start looking. She's in the Baytown/Liberty/Dayton area, but I could see her driving of need be.

Thanks.

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7 hours ago, tchookem said:

I hope this is the right place to ask this. My mom (retired) has expressed an interest (she mentioned it in passing) in speaking with a therapist, but I'm at a loss for where to start, especially since she lives 3+ hours away

My stepdad passed about a year ago, and her friend has suggested grief counseling. I added that talking to a therapist is not a bad idea for anybody, and she seemed open to the idea.

I asked if she has looked into anything and she hasn't in any serious way. She did mention that most of the therapists she has come across in her area seem to be faith-based, which does not appeal to her.

I figured I'd ask here to see if ya'll had any suggestions for therapists... or even where to start looking. She's in the Baytown/Liberty/Dayton area, but I could see her driving of need be.

Thanks.
 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/tx/baytown

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