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Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears


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7 hours ago, tigol said:

I just noticed that I didn't address security.

I had the same initial misgivings, but the sessions are not recorded and the security steps put me at ease.  After the first couple sessions it didn't cross my mind.  I did use a VPN.

Thanks. I almost posted a follow up. I'm determined to be completely honest and transparent if I do this and thus I'm pretty nervous to admit to my multiple fetishes around random household appliances to someone only to have my data sold when a company gets acquired and yada yada yada next thing you know I'm banned from Bed Bath and Beyond. 

Did you go through a better help type of interface or a local provider that also sees clients virtually? 

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6 hours ago, Baboontyme said:

Thanks. I almost posted a follow up. I'm determined to be completely honest and transparent if I do this and thus I'm pretty nervous to admit to my multiple fetishes around random household appliances to someone only to have my data sold when a company gets acquired and yada yada yada next thing you know I'm banned from Bed Bath and Beyond. 

Did you go through a better help type of interface or a local provider that also sees clients virtually? 

It was an interface that the insurance allowed.  I think better help was one, but I found my therapist through Psychology Today and just followed the link.

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15 hours ago, Baboontyme said:

I am curious if anyone in my general demographic (mid-late 40s male, straight as far as I know) has opinions on gender of the therapist. 

I think it heavily depends on your personality (and of course, the therapist).  I’ve had both and had better luck with women (no pics).  I tend to be more defensive and guarded with men because I want to be “right” whereas with women I tend to want to try to please them more (by talking more openly and being more engaged).  But I think the therapist’s intellect, style, background, annd personality are more important than their gender.

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My psychiatrist is a Hispanic woman from Webb county. She is also a close family friend and I’m convinced she’s crazier than me.

The insane psycho woman that grew my children in her womb is also an LPC. I’m over it now, but I used to be prejudiced against therapists.

However, wife #2 who adopted my kids and became their surrogate mother figure is now earning a MS and will be a LPC upon retirement from her state job in a few years.

Her therapist is a lesbian.

My AA sponsor which is the closest thing I have to a therapist is an old west Texas lawyer.

If I needed serious therapy I’d find someone like Lorraine Bracco.

5dd9a4f56e335419b3fff913e9dee675.jpg

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On 12/4/2024 at 6:21 PM, BearSchlong said:

My psychiatrist is a Hispanic woman from Webb county. She is also a close family friend and I’m convinced she’s crazier than me.

The insane psycho woman that grew my children in her womb is also an LPC. I’m over it now, but I used to be prejudiced against therapists.

However, wife #2 who adopted my kids and became their surrogate mother figure is now earning a MS and will be a LPC upon retirement from her state job in a few years.

Her therapist is a lesbian.

My AA sponsor which is the closest thing I have to a therapist is an old west Texas lawyer.

If I needed serious therapy I’d find someone like Lorraine Bracco.

5dd9a4f56e335419b3fff913e9dee675.jpg

Whatever happened to Gary Cooper?

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On 12/4/2024 at 6:21 PM, BearSchlong said:

My psychiatrist is a Hispanic woman from Webb county. She is also a close family friend and I’m convinced she’s crazier than me.

The insane psycho woman that grew my children in her womb is also an LPC. I’m over it now, but I used to be prejudiced against therapists.

However, wife #2 who adopted my kids and became their surrogate mother figure is now earning a MS and will be a LPC upon retirement from her state job in a few years.

Her therapist is a lesbian.

My AA sponsor which is the closest thing I have to a therapist is an old west Texas lawyer.

If I needed serious therapy I’d find someone like Lorraine Bracco.

5dd9a4f56e335419b3fff913e9dee675.jpg

I could tell you horror stories about how the vast majority of therapists have NO BUSINESS rendering what they believe is therapy.

They are so caught up in countertransference that in any other profession, they could be sued for negligence and/or malpractice.

Here is an article on countertransference:

https://www.relationalpsych.group/articles/what-is-countertransference-in-therapy

If you are looking into therapy, you must, you must, YOU MUST, treat this relationship as an interview and YOU are interviewing the therapist to see if they are a good fit.  Do your research and homework.  Ask whatever questions you deem are appropriate.  If the therapist refuses to answer, give them one last opportunity and if the therapist is still reluctant to be transparent ... leave.

You are entrusting your emotions, your feelings, your fears and concerns with them. They must earn that trust by being transparent with you.

Accept nothing less!

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I think modalities are equally as important, unfortunately without a lot of experience it’s really hard to know what to look for. I personally like internal family systems / “parts work” style therapy, body work / sympathetic / parasympathetic nervous system work / Re-decision therapy / inner child, critical parent type work. What I loathe is simple chit chat or talk therapy. Fucking open the hood, dismantle, and repair the damn thing instead of just talking about it. CRM comprehensive resource modeling is my new therapeutic style - it’s a parts work, SNS and para-SNS framework that kicks all kinds of ass for emotional trauma.

for me, I recognize the complexities of neurobiology and the interplay between conscious and unconscious thought, the brain is highly adaptive, reactive and symbolic. Combining latest research and a recognition that our frontal cortex (language) doesn’t even remotely touch our deepest traumas, it’s clear to me the best jumping off point for deep restorative work starts with the more obscure parts of the brain that we have little direct conscious access too. CRM is way out there - basically self induced conscious trance or dream like states using heavy imagery and symbolic work - but there is science behind it. 

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1 hour ago, troph said:

I think modalities are equally as important, unfortunately without a lot of experience it’s really hard to know what to look for. I personally like internal family systems / “parts work” style therapy, body work / sympathetic / parasympathetic nervous system work / Re-decision therapy / inner child, critical parent type work. What I loathe is simple chit chat or talk therapy. Fucking open the hood, dismantle, and repair the damn thing instead of just talking about it. CRM comprehensive resource modeling is my new therapeutic style - it’s a parts work, SNS and para-SNS framework that kicks all kinds of ass for emotional trauma.

for me, I recognize the complexities of neurobiology and the interplay between conscious and unconscious thought, the brain is highly adaptive, reactive and symbolic. Combining latest research and a recognition that our frontal cortex (language) doesn’t even remotely touch our deepest traumas, it’s clear to me the best jumping off point for deep restorative work starts with the more obscure parts of the brain that we have little direct conscious access too. CRM is way out there - basically self induced conscious trance or dream like states using heavy imagery and symbolic work - but there is science behind it. 

THIS is an incredibly insightful post.  A lot of very good information in here.

Thanks Troph.

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On 11/26/2024 at 10:06 PM, jetsfan76 said:

Does anyone else feel like life is just falling down a long, dark, infinite chasm, no matter how many good things are happening in their life? Oh, and fuck A&M.

The last six months yes. I’m probably 98% physically healthy but my PTSD and anxiety is going to take some real effort. My FIL is in memory care, my MIL is in skilled nursing and won’t eat enough to fully recover. Our Christmas Day is going to be filled with seeing them - separately - in care facilities.
 

My life previously on auto pilot now takes real effort to sleep well and to manage runaway negative thinking. I’m struggling with loving life like I used to. I’ll get it back but I’m afraid for my kids to find out what even middle age aging is like, I’m afraid of illness, I’m trying to regain trust in the inherent power of my body to heal itself, and I’m just left wondering is this all there is? 50 years old this year and thinking damn I’ve got 25 good years left that’s it? Fuck being a human is hard. I’m not ready for this last 1/2 to 1/3 of my life.

now the other part of me still believes 50-75 will be the best years of my life because I don’t give a fuck, I want good relationships with good people and am not caught up on the bullshit pretense of my youth and I’m in entering most productive and powerful decade of my career. 

in the end, I’m be honest, I’d like to regain my mental health, live the next 30-40 years well then just die in my sleep or die of a sudden heart attack (heart is in great shape so not sure about that one), and call it a life. Seeing my in-laws suffer from old age (mind you both have major underlying health issues) makes it really hard right now. 

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13 hours ago, Doc Daneeka said:

In a less shitty world, I’d be sitting at the kitchen table talking to the best woman I’ve ever known while she hand washed the Christmas china. We’d be talking about our gifts, what we think others thought of what we got for them, and what she was going to return. She was very particular. Talking about how lucky we are. And how glad she is that Christmas is over. Then we’d go lie down together and watch whatever show we were into at the moment. She’d say “Goodnight, biscuit, I love you” and we’d crash after a long day.

In this shitty world, she’s ashes on my fucking mantel. Her mother is out of town because she couldn’t stand to be home without her daughter in this world on this day. And I’m not entirely sure right now that I’m on the right side of the dirt. 

Is this all there is now? Spending time with women who I wouldn’t give the time of day if she were alive? A life of “less than” until my heart has the good sense to stop working? It’s not a very compelling future. 

This fucking sucks. 

You are 100% on the right side of the dirt. We need you here and I'm glad you're here. Lots of others feel the same way. 

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3 minutes ago, HRSchenker said:

You are 100% on the right side of the dirt. We need you here and I'm glad you're here. Lots of others feel the same way. 

Thank you. 

I cut it out of the original post, but a huge chunk of why I’m on this side of the dirt is the effect not being so would have had on others. There are still a shit ton of “I don’t want to be here” thoughts. And then our six year old niece will give me a drawing she made of us so I can “look at her when she’s not around” and maybe there are still some reasons to be here.

Two things, one serious and one not so much have helped. 

Suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it just transfers it. 

Don’t drive drunk. If you don’t make it home, your dogs will never know why you didn’t come home. 

Thanks again. 

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5 hours ago, Doc Daneeka said:

Thank you. 

I cut it out of the original post, but a huge chunk of why I’m on this side of the dirt is the effect not being so would have had on others. There are still a shit ton of “I don’t want to be here” thoughts. And then our six year old niece will give me a drawing she made of us so I can “look at her when she’s not around” and maybe there are still some reasons to be here.

Two things, one serious and one not so much have helped. 

Suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it just transfers it. 

Don’t drive drunk. If you don’t make it home, your dogs will never know why you didn’t come home. 

Thanks again. 

I was in a really dark place for a long time, my barrier to suicide was knowing that my sister would have to tell my little nieces that I was dead. And they would have a lot of questions. 
I still had it together enough to not put my sister in that situation. 

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Long Covid is a real nightmare and is going to be / already is a public health crisis that few talk about. Hundreds of millions of dollars need to be poured into research. We have 5% of the population suffering from it. My cardiologist said, “long covid manifests in a lot of different ways, but there is one common theme - misery.”

saying I’m sorry won’t do shit. And while I’ve gone through my own journey, and at almost 6 months I do think I’m down to the last few symptoms, I know “have you thought about this or that” is not helpful at all.  So all I can offer is my understanding and empathy. 

hang in there brother.

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I hope this is the right place to ask this. My mom (retired) has expressed an interest (she mentioned it in passing) in speaking with a therapist, but I'm at a loss for where to start, especially since she lives 3+ hours away

My stepdad passed about a year ago, and her friend has suggested grief counseling. I added that talking to a therapist is not a bad idea for anybody, and she seemed open to the idea.

I asked if she has looked into anything and she hasn't in any serious way. She did mention that most of the therapists she has come across in her area seem to be faith-based, which does not appeal to her.

I figured I'd ask here to see if ya'll had any suggestions for therapists... or even where to start looking. She's in the Baytown/Liberty/Dayton area, but I could see her driving of need be.

Thanks.

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7 hours ago, tchookem said:

I hope this is the right place to ask this. My mom (retired) has expressed an interest (she mentioned it in passing) in speaking with a therapist, but I'm at a loss for where to start, especially since she lives 3+ hours away

My stepdad passed about a year ago, and her friend has suggested grief counseling. I added that talking to a therapist is not a bad idea for anybody, and she seemed open to the idea.

I asked if she has looked into anything and she hasn't in any serious way. She did mention that most of the therapists she has come across in her area seem to be faith-based, which does not appeal to her.

I figured I'd ask here to see if ya'll had any suggestions for therapists... or even where to start looking. She's in the Baytown/Liberty/Dayton area, but I could see her driving of need be.

Thanks.
 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/tx/baytown

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On 12/26/2024 at 10:55 AM, Kennythetiger said:

Animals and little kids don’t have time for self-pity. ❤️

Miss my dogs right now, but they have to get all their shots updated before joining me on Oahu. I am glad they are getting to spend time with my young niece and nephew. Each one took one of them and gives it all of their attention. Pretty cool getting on FaceTime with my mom and watching them play with them. Both of them have a whole ton of patience and love to share with my girls. My nephew is getting ready to turn three and he tells me a few days ago “Thank you for bringing the dogs home.” 

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On 11/22/2024 at 8:32 AM, tigol said:

This is tempting.  I have lingering depression and anxiety issues that I have trouble pushing past at times.  I don't fear going back down into that "pit" at this time, but it would be nice to have more power on my side to understand and push through.

Coming back to this, transcranial magnetic stimulation is FDA approved for treatment resistant depression.  

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On 1/8/2025 at 5:24 PM, troph said:

Coming back to this, transcranial magnetic stimulation is FDA approved for treatment resistant depression.  

I am glad that you pass along so much pertinent and needed information about this subject. Thank you for taking the time to relay so much of what you know and continue to learn about depression and things of that nature. We will all hurt emotionally at some point in our life and it’s good to know there is someone willing to lend a helping hand on here. 

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21 hours ago, UpperWestside said:

I am glad that you pass along so much pertinent and needed information about this subject. Thank you for taking the time to relay so much of what you know and continue to learn about depression and things of that nature. We will all hurt emotionally at some point in our life and it’s good to know there is someone willing to lend a helping hand on here. 

thanks for saying that. I'm happy to share.

doctors especially the PC/GP doctors are squeezed so much it's really hard to look to them for expertise on many subjects and I find it particularly bad on mental health issues. I thought I had depression and anxiety before I came down with Covid this past summer but I really didn't - I had situational stress and sadness and a lot of emotional sensitivity. What I experienced July through December - just in terms of anxiety and depression - was debilitating and physical and I ended up looking at everything I could for answers. What I can say is the PC/GP system doesn't know about a lot of the non-pharma treatments and they go straight to SSRIs. I had at least 3 doctors tell me to get on them. If you need them and they work they can be a godsend, but you won't know that until 6-8 weeks or longer on them.  If you have a temporary issue, they are a nightmare imo because it takes too long for them to start working, and along the way the road is really emotionally bumpy, and weaning off is weeks or months at a minimum. If they don't work it's even worse. In the end I decided on a number of treatments for my mental health through my covid struggle that seem to be doing the trick and I'm really fortunate I didn't end up on drugs like SSRIs or others that lead to dependence and long term use. Again, if you need them and they work SSRIs can be a miracle I just didn't feel I had the luxury to wait.

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So those who have tackled depression with some success - besides SSRIs*, what has worked for you?  Having lunch weekly with a friend for support and don’t plan to go into attack or idea mode just there to listen but I’d like to have ideas. 

on my list:

sunlight / vitamin D

Diet and nutrient deficiencies 

exercise 

relationships 

loss of interest - focus on anything they still enjoy 

therapy 

Ketamine 

Red light therapy especially in the winter 

Sauna treatment 

transcranial magnetic stimulation 

Anything else ?

* SSRIs are an option but it’s the only option most doctors offer so if I am asked I’d like to focus on other options.

Edited by troph
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I’m not sure what I had in terms of clinical definitions go, but since self-harm has brought up as of late here, I’ll share my experience. Maybe it’ll resonate with some and maybe others will think that is not what I meant, at all.

For several years — I’ve forgot how long — I had daily or multiple-times a-day bouts of intense, unwanted suicidal ideation. This happened about 10-15 years ago.

The first time it happened, I freaked out and spoke to a love one about it. I was dismissed and was left with shame about these terrible thoughts. At that point, I shut up and lived with the thoughts.

Whenever I was hurt or beat down or tired, those thoughts would come back. They started to feel like an awful friend, stopping by every day.

In a lot of our culture, these are shameful thoughts — which is why I was dismissed when I tried to get help — and I eventually identified these thoughts with my own identity. Surely the thoughts I think each day are part of who I am, right? The shame and fear from these terrible thoughts, and my identity in them as BEING me, made them far worse. At times, they were the only part of me that could see.

After some years of daily suffering like this, I came to see these terrifying thoughts as an attack from outside. Call it a spiritual attack or just an unwanted brain spasm, but the thoughts were NOT me.

This was a big change in the way I was thinking. Outside of the hole, it seems obvious, but when I was in that pit, the only part of me I knew was those harmful thoughts. Once I realized that they were not part of my identity and I am something more than even my own thoughts, my perspective changed.

I no longer feared the thoughts because they were something happening TO me, not who I was. I could calmly observe the thoughts and tell them to go away. Sometime they left, sometimes they didn’t, but they still weren’t me, which was far less distressing.

Once I had an enemy that wasn’t me, I could see them as something hated or even pitiable. If I watch a movie about a bank robbery, I’m not a bank robber. If my brain plays a scene about self-harm, it’s no different.

I did NOT embrace the thoughts — they were and are the enemy — but I wasn’t afraid anymore and I felt no shame for my external experiences that just happened to be happening inside my brain. There was hope for a way out of the pit.

Once the enemy was identified, attacked, and no longer feared, the thoughts faded. I’ll occasionally feel the spiraling circles that preceded the first time and I’ll intervene by meditating on my actual identity and also telling those thoughts that they aren’t my friend and aren’t welcome. So far, it has succeeded in slowing down and eventually stopping the spiral.

Every experience is different, but for me at least, treating mental health challenges like an Aggie-sympathizing neighbor from Nebraska who moved in next door and cut a hole in the fence is much better than allowing the challenges to define my self-conception. When those fence boards start ripping off, you have to deal with the problem, but you don’t start shouting “gig’em!” It’s not you; it’s an external problem happening on the inside.

It’s hard to separate our thoughts from our identity. Maybe it’s not even always helpful, but for me in that time and ever since, it’s saved my life. Even when I couldn’t see it all, I was something far bigger than my own thoughts.

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I had suicidal ideation during my post covid recovery. Very similar to what you described. Very distressing until I categorized them as part my brain injury. They are gone now but I had them for 3-4 months, often and at the strangest moments where the slightest negative thought could trigger them. 

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On 1/18/2025 at 8:11 AM, troph said:

So those who have tackled depression with some success - besides SSRIs*, what has worked for you?  Having lunch weekly with a friend for support and don’t plan to go into attack or idea mode just there to listen but I’d like to have ideas. 

on my list:

sunlight / vitamin D

Diet and nutrient deficiencies 

exercise 

relationships 

loss of interest - focus on anything they still enjoy 

therapy 

Ketamine 

Red light therapy especially in the winter 

Sauna treatment 

transcranial magnetic stimulation 

Anything else ?

* SSRIs are an option but it’s the only option most doctors offer so if I am asked I’d like to focus on other options.

I went through supervised Spravato treatments for 12 weeks (initially planned for longer but… insurance). 

For me, it built a floor over the desire to act on suicidal ideation. The ideation was still there, just not as strong, but the desire to actually follow through with it decreased almost entirely. 

I also have aphantasia, so I really didn’t experience any hallucinations or disassociation, though my doctor told me both were rare in the dosage I was prescribed. 

The primary drawback for me was that Spravato often spikes your blood pressure, which can trigger cardiac scares and panic episodes (I suffer from the latter). I did treatments in clinic and there was always an emergency dose of Ativan available as a sort of “mental security blanket”. Only experienced a “slight uptick in panic” during the first two sessions.

It had a small positive effect on my depression, but real world circumstances and long COVID are hard to overcome for me at the moment, so it wasn’t as effective against the depression as we had hoped. 

But it may have been literal life saver for me re: suicidal ideation. As with any psych drug though, YMMV.

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2 minutes ago, Stilicho said:

I went through supervised Spravato treatments for 12 weeks (initially planned for longer but… insurance). 

For me, it built a floor over the desire to act on suicidal ideation. The ideation was still there, just not as strong, but the desire to actually follow through with it decreased almost entirely. 

I also have aphantasia, so I really didn’t experience any hallucinations or disassociation, though my doctor told me both were rare in the dosage I was prescribed. 

The primary drawback for me was that Spravato often spikes your blood pressure, which can trigger cardiac scares and panic episodes (I suffer from the latter). I did treatments in clinic and there was always an emergency dose of Ativan available as a sort of “mental security blanket”. Only experienced a “slight uptick in panic” during the first two sessions.

It had a small positive effect on my depression, but real world circumstances and long COVID are hard to overcome for me at the moment, so it wasn’t as effective against the depression as we had hoped. 

But it may have been literal life saver for me re: suicidal ideation. As with any psych drug though, YMMV.

Ketamine infusions were a game changer for me. I did 6 and they were all completely dissociative which was a huge part of the benefit as my body was a hellscape. I have a script for troches, they are mildly dissociative and helpful.  My mental health started to improve during ketamine. I’m a huge fan. 

my cardiologist said there’s many symptoms and subtypes of long covid but they all have one thing in common… misery.

it was then I finally felt seen. 
 

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3 minutes ago, troph said:

my cardiologist said there’s many symptoms and subtypes of long covid but they all have one thing in common… misery.

it was then I finally felt seen. 
 

Probably the most apt description I’ve seen of long COVID.

I’m certain we’ve all lived rougher lives at some point, but this has been so much worse than any cold turkey detox I put myself through with opioids, benzos, or alcohol.

It’s the drizzling shits for the whole body. 

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9 minutes ago, Stilicho said:

Probably the most apt description I’ve seen of long COVID.

I’m certain we’ve all lived rougher lives at some point, but this has been so much worse than any cold turkey detox I put myself through with opioids, benzos, or alcohol.

It’s the drizzling shits for the whole body. 

I detoxed off benzos and prednisone back to back at month 3 of post covid, I was still in the thick of it. Holy fuck. 

We each have our own journeys, mine has gotten so much better in 6 months but my best friend has a hand tremor that won’t go away at this point, but I’d say just keep trying. I know you’ve tried everything but don’t stop. I treated it as an injury and kept feeding my body the supplements and the food that’s good for my brain, and it’s helped a lot. Stellate ganglion block, ketamine and EECP were the three allstar treatments for me - I’m still doing EECP - 35 total treatments, 10 to go. Covid is here in my house right now with my son, I’ve tested negative repeatedly but I know I was exposed, I can feel my nervous system react. Keep taking care of yourself it’s the only thing you can do. My heart is with you. Peace my brother for you and your family. 

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