Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[bamachine 1230]

To follow up on my posts in this thread. My dad no longer has to worry about Alzheimer's. We lost him last night. He is no longer suffering. Hopefully he can reunite with mom and maybe go riding trails alongside the Duke(his favorite actor). He was a lot like the characters Wayne played on screen. He was rough, tough, wouldn't take shit off nobody but would give the shirt off his back to help those in need. He was never really one to show his emotions, he let his actions tell his feelings, most of those were positive. Been a rough year, as his primary caretaker, seeing a once near indestructible man, 6'4", 200 lbs, strong as an ox, mind sharp as a razor, succumb to Alzheimer's, complete kidney failure, degenerative hip disease and waste away to what he was these last few months. I hate saying it but I am glad he is gone now. Getting old sucks.

[Shoxthemonkey 1976]

Sorry for you loss but I understand exactly when you say you are glad. Watching your folks melt away is devastating.

[XYZ 2154]

Sorry for your loss, bamachine. I lost my father last year and I haven’t quite gotten over it yet. This Saturday will be the first time I go back to visit my mom since he passed. Maybe this visit will help me get som closure.

[tx 3 putt 76805]

very sorry for your loss bama 

[Goo Punch 4275]

what's up guys. so i never actually come to this forum, and as such i've never seen this thread. i'll be honest with you, i haven't even read any of it yet, which is why i assume (but don't know for sure) that this is a *serious* thread free of trolling. So with that being my assumption i'd like to use this thread right now. 

super long story made somewhat less short- i was thriving for a period of years and working five days a week at my school, living on my own, i lost 100 lbs, i had a great therapist and a mentor in my life, my social life, dating life, work life, all of them on point- until one week in August of 2015 when everything in my life kinda came crashing down. i lost my job, i lost my disability case, my therapist suddenly had to move out of state, and because i lost my job and my case it meant that i could no longer afford my apartment and that i had to move back in with my mom in Pflugerville, which is where i've been since then. 

Well, it's been shitty. My mom and I are very close and love each other very much, but close quarters are a motherfucker, and Pflugerville ain't exactly the place to be for a single 34 year old man who wants any kind of social life. I did end up eventually getting a favorable ruling on my disability case because of an empassioned letter i wrote on my own behalf, but my lawyer screwed something up and i got zero back pay, forcing me to stay living with my mom and now trying to exist on $514/month, which is the most that SSI pays out to anyone. It has been roof stoof a lot of the time here, but i'm still trying to get my life back.

Anyway, without going on all day which i easily could do (and am pretty much doing anyway), today was a tough day for me, so i used it to do something i've been thinking about for a while now- i made a video journal. i've been considering using my youtube channel as an outlet like this for awhile, but I never seriously considered it because i always feared losing my job at my school should someone find my channel and deem it inappropriate. Well i've been struggling so much with both physical and mental health issues (plus two severe sleep disorders), that my only jobs left at my school are announcing the football games and working seasonally as gym manager for basketball and volleyball games. I'm barely there now.

Because education is my passion, and because i was working at the school i attended while growing up, a school where my mom has been a teacher/coach/AD for 39 years, and where a Shagster who i've known my whole life happened to be my boss (an awesome and understanding boss at that- i wasn't fired, i just can't be renewed until i get my health straight),  this has been especially tough for me to no longer see my kids or be in their lives. So now that my duties there have been so marginalized, I've decided to "come out" more or less and go ahead with the video diary stuff. I don't plan on actually starting it in earnest until i've got more content, and even then it's a maybe. but i figured that this might be a decent place to share my first one, where i discuss the events of my life (including my postings here) from today. Without further ado, here is my first video journal:

 

im going to read this thread now. thank you for taking this seriously. 

 

Edited March 18, 2019 by Goo Punch

[TwiceHorn 31416]

On 2/24/2019 at 9:34 AM, bamachine said:

To follow up on my posts in this thread. My dad no longer has to worry about Alzheimer's. We lost him last night. He is no longer suffering. Hopefully he can reunite with mom and maybe go riding trails alongside the Duke(his favorite actor). He was a lot like the characters Wayne played on screen. He was rough, tough, wouldn't take shit off nobody but would give the shirt off his back to help those in need. He was never really one to show his emotions, he let his actions tell his feelings, most of those were positive. Been a rough year, as his primary caretaker, seeing a once near indestructible man, 6'4", 200 lbs, strong as an ox, mind sharp as a razor, succumb to Alzheimer's, complete kidney failure, degenerative hip disease and waste away to what he was these last few months. I hate saying it but I am glad he is gone now. Getting old sucks.

Sorry for your loss.  As my parents crept up in age, they would remark to each other something to the effect of "I don't know why I'm here anymore," and sometimes I would pick it up.  It wasn't maudlin or self-pitying and was often accompanied by a "getting old isn't for sissies" or similar.  What that told me, in the end, was that they were ready to go and had no regrets.  And this was just when their mobility and energy level had dropped; they weren't real sick or anything, just couldn't do the simple things they enjoyed.  So, when they did pass, I did not have any feeling that their lives were cut short and also that my grief was more about me missing them than anything else, which made that burden easier to carry.

[TwiceHorn 31416]

30 minutes ago, Goo Punch said:

what's up guys. so i never actually come to this forum, and as such i've never seen this thread. i'll be honest with you, i haven't even read any of it yet, which is i assume (but don't know for sure) that this is a *serious* thread free of trolling. So with that being my assumption i'd like to use this thread right now. 

super long story made much more short- i was thriving for a period of years and working five days a week at my school, living on my own, i lost 100 lbs, i had a great therapist and a mentor in my life, my social life, dating life, work life, all of them on point- until one week in August of 2015 when everything in my life came. dashing down. i lost my job, i lost my disability case, my therapist suddenly had to move out of state, and because i lost my job and my case it meant that i could no longer afford my apartment and that i had tonmove back in with my mom in Pflugerville, which is where i've been since then. 

Well, it's been shitty. My mom and I are very close and love each other very much,  it close quarters are a motherfucker, and Pflugerville ain't exactly the place to be a single 34 year old who wants a social life but has no job. I did end up winning my disability case because of an empassioned letter i wrote on my own behalf, but my bitch lawyer fucked the shit up and i got zero back pay, forcing me to stay living with my mom and now trying to exist on $514/month, which is the most gbag SSI pays out. It has been roof stoof a lot of the time, but i'm still trying to get my life back.

Anyway, without going on all day which i easily could, today was a tough day for me, so i used it to do something i've been thinking about- o made a video journal. i've been considering using my youtube channel as an outlet mike this for awhile, but I never seriously considered it because i always feared losing my job at my school should someone find my channel and deem it inappropriate. Well i've been struggling so much with both physical and mental health issues (plus two severe sleep disorders), that my only jobs left at my school are announcing the football games and working seasonally as gym manager for basketball and volleyball. And since education is my passion, this has been especially tough for me to no longer see my kids or be in their lives. Well, the way things have gone I'm up there so rarely now that I've decided to "come out" more oro less and go ahead with the video diary stuff. I don't plan on actually starting it in earnest until i've got more content, and even then it's a maybe.  it i figures that this might be a decent place to share my first one, where i discuss the events of my life (including my postings here) from today. Without further ado, here is my first video journal:

im going to read this thread now. thank you for taking this seriously. 

 

Keep on, man.  Serious question, when you said things were going well, you didn't mention a medication.  From my interaction with bipolar folks (I know quite a few that are able to function at a pretty high level), getting medication sorted has been a huge issue, but once/if it got sorted, worked miracles.  They also tend to say that therapy is less helpful than getting moods evened out medically, although it can be beneficial for the depressive aspects of it and the bad thinking that comes along with it.

There is very little on this thread about bipolar disorder.  Mostly about depression and anxiety.

Also, a problem with people with mental illness is that most of them (the illnesses) seem to convince the sufferer that nothing can be done or will help and so they avoid treatment, or discontinue it despite success.  With respect to bipolar, an aspect of that is that bipolar people often seem to prefer the feeling of mania to the relative calm that results from effective medication.  A lot of bipolar sufferers pretty routinely abandon their medications and other treatment.

Edited March 18, 2019 by TwiceHorn

[TwiceHorn 31416]

Final note on Bipolar Disorder.  It is pretty clear that bipolar disorder pushes people toward self-medication and that ends up in many cases as addiction (that's how I know bipolar people and have the opportunity to discuss how it affects them and what has helped them).

As a recovered addict, I am biased against mood-altering substances.  Getting that out of the way, I might be pretty careful trying to treat bipolar with marijuana.  Both marijuana and bipolar disorder (and most mental illnesses for that matter), are poorly understood scientifically and medically.  And people with mental health issues frequently do not seem to be able to discern the difference between "feeling good" and actually improving their mental condition and functionality (raises hand).

[Goo Punch 4275]

my response: 

(lol i can't help but be verbose)

 

and yeah, i totally understand and appreciate your concern. fortunately for me i've never had an addictive personality, whether it be gambling, drugs, alcohol, whatever. i do drink, but only on occasion, and almost never more than three beers- i'm just a mostly moderate, risk averse person. and i'd say that i use marijuana as self medication for chronic muscle pain when i'm having sleep issues more than i do as something to "even me out". that said it does have a calming effect and i will go to it if i feel i need to calm down and get my mind right on occasion. 

[Helobious 9515]

1 hour ago, Goo Punch said:

what's up guys. so i never actually come to this forum, and as such i've never seen this thread. i'll be honest with you, i haven't even read any of it yet, which is why i assume (but don't know for sure) that this is a *serious* thread free of trolling. So with that being my assumption i'd like to use this thread right now. 

super long story made somewhat less short- i was thriving for a period of years and working five days a week at my school, living on my own, i lost 100 lbs, i had a great therapist and a mentor in my life, my social life, dating life, work life, all of them on point- until one week in August of 2015 when everything in my life kinda came crashing down. i lost my job, i lost my disability case, my therapist suddenly had to move out of state, and because i lost my job and my case it meant that i could no longer afford my apartment and that i had to move back in with my mom in Pflugerville, which is where i've been since then. 

Well, it's been shitty. My mom and I are very close and love each other very much, but close quarters are a motherfucker, and Pflugerville ain't exactly the place to be for a single 34 year old man who wants any kind of social life. I did end up eventually getting a favorable ruling on my disability case because of an empassioned letter i wrote on my own behalf, but my lawyer screwed something up and i got zero back pay, forcing me to stay living with my mom and now trying to exist on $514/month, which is the most that SSI pays out to anyone. It has been roof stoof a lot of the time here, but i'm still trying to get my life back.

Anyway, without going on all day which i easily could do (and am pretty much doing anyway), today was a tough day for me, so i used it to do something i've been thinking about for a while now- i made a video journal. i've been considering using my youtube channel as an outlet like this for awhile, but I never seriously considered it because i always feared losing my job at my school should someone find my channel and deem it inappropriate. Well i've been struggling so much with both physical and mental health issues (plus two severe sleep disorders), that my only jobs left at my school are announcing the football games and working seasonally as gym manager for basketball and volleyball games. I'm barely there now.

Because education is my passion, and because i was working at the school i attended while growing up, a school where my mom has been a teacher/coach/AD for 39 years, and where a Shagster who i've known my whole life happened to be my boss (an awesome and understanding boss at that- i wasn't fired, i just can't be renewed until i get my health straight),  this has been especially tough for me to no longer see my kids or be in their lives. So now that my duties there have been so marginalized, I've decided to "come out" more or less and go ahead with the video diary stuff. I don't plan on actually starting it in earnest until i've got more content, and even then it's a maybe. but i figured that this might be a decent place to share my first one, where i discuss the events of my life (including my postings here) from today. Without further ado, here is my first video journal:

 

im going to read this thread now. thank you for taking this seriously. 

 

I hear a lot of people say that making videos where they speak about their problems can be very therapeutic and helpful, so hopefully it can be the same for you. I know you used to rap, maybe you could look into getting back into that a little bit. Any kind of positive outlet like music, writing, exercising, or these types of vids is a big help for whatever you're going through IMO. 

Just one sidenote: You had a lot of great thoughts and introspection in this vid. But just to be on the safe side, I don't know that it'd be a great idea to wear a school shirt and cuss or talk about smoking marijuana in future vids.

[XYZ 2154]

Goo Punch:

You are one of the most interesting people on this site. I hope you can sort out your health issues and get back to teaching.  

I’m currently visiting my mom. She lives in another country. My dad died last year and this is the first time I see her since he died. Also I’m an only child, so she doesn’t really have family aside from me. She’s 80. This is the part of my life where I would start taking care of her. Of course there’s the living in different countries thing, and she’s not interested in living in the USA, and for various reasons it’s just not feasible for me to move my whole family to where she is. And there’s also this: I’ve come to understand now that she is toxic for me. I struggle with anxiety. People who are equanimous are good for me to have around. She is the opposite of that, always, always, always worry about shit. After college in my country I came to the US to go to grad school at UT, and that was super cool, but looking back now I think that getting far from my parents was also a factor. I dont’t think that she  can even fathom that her constant fretting about hypothetical “risks” makes my brain hurt. To her, when I snap at her it’s because I’m intolerant. I could write a book about the inane shit that she worries about. Here’s just one example: I’m on a flight with her. We are in row 6. The plane lands and people start to get up. I tell her “do we get up now or do we let everyone leave the plane and we leave last”. She goes “the problem if we leave last is that there might not be any taxis left by the time we get to the taxi stop”. Took me a few moments to process that. I wasn’t thinking about bad shit that could possibly (but won’t) happen later on. I do not want to operate like that, but when I’m around her, she bombards me with that stuff. Anyway, that’s my stuff currently.

[TwiceHorn 31416]

11 hours ago, Goo Punch said:

my response: 

(lol i can't help but be verbose)

 

and yeah, i totally understand and appreciate your concern. fortunately for me i've never had an addictive personality, whether it be gambling, drugs, alcohol, whatever. i do drink, but only on occasion, and almost never more than three beers- i'm just a mostly moderate, risk averse person. and i'd say that i use marijuana as self medication for chronic muscle pain when i'm having sleep issues more than i do as something to "even me out". that said it does have a calming effect and i will go to it if i feel i need to calm down and get my mind right on occasion. 

Thanks for the reply.  Sounds like a mess, sorry it's that way.  Best of luck to you, friendo.

[TwiceHorn 31416]

Saw this on a news feed.  Not terribly in depth, but raises most of the issues concerning a therapist. https://lifehacker.com/how-to-select-the-right-therapist-for-you-1833246447

[MissingInAction 24979]

Derka, you will always be Derka to me, good luck. I really hope the best for you. 

[tx 3 putt 76805]

5 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

Derka, you will always be Derka to me, good luck. I really hope the best for you. 

 

1234

[ROFL BOX 6647]

[ROFL BOX 6647]

[Bill Brasky 1443]

any tips for dealing with someone that has depression but is in denial that they have depression? 

[cactusflinthead 27597]

On 3/17/2019 at 8:27 PM, Goo Punch said:

 

which is why i assume (but don't know for sure) that this is a *serious* thread free of trolling



im going to read this thread now. thank you for taking this seriously. 

 

It has been trolling free. You are the first to crack open the video journal. That's cool. 

Welp, come on in and have a seat. 

[cactusflinthead 27597]

53 minutes ago, Bill Brasky said:

any tips for dealing with someone that has depression but is in denial that they have depression? 

I guess you already googled the question. All I can do is make myself available to listen when they get the urge to talk. That's tough when it's family. 

I'll plant a seed like, "Hey if you ever want to talk to somebody else besides my ornery ass we can make it happen." and leave it at that. 

It's better than saying nothing and watching someone fester in their own emotional stew. It might take a while for the seed to sprout. More than anything it's trying to offer a possible way out of the mud. 

Edit: a whole year. Still kicking 

Edited March 26, 2019 by cactusflinthead

[TwiceHorn 31416]

59 minutes ago, Bill Brasky said:

any tips for dealing with someone that has depression but is in denial that they have depression? 

That seems to be one of the features of most mental illnesses.  First, no one wants to admit that anything's wrong, and even after diagnosis, they manage to convince themselves nothing will help.

At least with the latter, it helps to treat it like any other illness:  you need to see a doctor/take your meds/go to therapy/get some exercise because you don't think it's going to go away by itself do you?

[cactusflinthead 27597]

1 hour ago, TwiceHorn said:

That seems to be one of the features of most mental illnesses.  First, no one wants to admit that anything's wrong, and even after diagnosis, they manage to convince themselves nothing will help.

At least with the latter, it helps to treat it like any other illness:  you need to see a doctor/take your meds/go to therapy/get some exercise because you don't think it's going to go away by itself do you?

Feels like this is one of those shared areas of the AA thread and this one. 

I'll confess I'm a very reluctant patient. "You need to do X" rarely works on me the first time because I'm stubborn and prideful. Circumstances or consequences of my behavior and/or decisions force me to humble myself and question my path. At that point I'm receptive.

[XYZ 2154]

17 hours ago, Bill Brasky said:

any tips for dealing with someone that has depression but is in denial that they have depression? 

That’s the bitch of mental illness. If you have a bad heart/liver/whatever but a properly functioning brain, then you can take yourself to the doctor to get your bad heart/liver/whatever fixed, but if your brain is malfunctioning, then...

[XYZ 2154]

On 3/25/2019 at 1:21 AM, ROFL BOX said:

Yup.

[troph 24772]

Jan through March was rough... always is.

[Sandman 3403]

On ‎3‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 7:11 PM, TwiceHorn said:

That seems to be one of the features of most mental illnesses.  First, no one wants to admit that anything's wrong, and even after diagnosis, they manage to convince themselves nothing will help.

At least with the latter, it helps to treat it like any other illness:  you need to see a doctor/take your meds/go to therapy/get some exercise because you don't think it's going to go away by itself do you?

I'd say definitely go to your regular Dr. and get checked out. Maybe it's not purely a mental thing? I found out my testosterone was really low, which explained my lethargy and my lack of desire to change anything. I started TRT and I also went back to see my counsellor, I feel both of those were good ideas. 

[troph 24772]

def get your testosterone checked out.  that shit will fuck you up real bad.

[XYZ 2154]

27 minutes ago, Sandman said:

I'd say definitely go to your regular Dr. and get checked out. Maybe it's not purely a mental thing? I found out my testosterone was really low, which explained my lethargy and my lack of desire to change anything. I started TRT and I also went back to see my counsellor, I feel both of those were good ideas. 

I’ve been thinking about seeing a doctor to get my testosterone level checked. I did it once about 5 years ago and the doctor was like “we consider below 300 to be low, you are at 320, so you are good”. I never went back to that idiot. One thing that bugs me about testosterone therapy is that it seems that once you start, then your body adapts to it and it produces even less, so you are basically stuck with it forever.

[Sandman 3403]

3 minutes ago, XYZ said:

I’ve been thinking about seeing a doctor to get my testosterone level checked. I did it once about 5 years ago and the doctor was like “we consider below 300 to be low, you are at 320, so you are good”. I never went back to that idiot. One thing that bugs me about testosterone therapy is that it seems that once you start, then your body adapts to it and it produces even less, so you are basically stuck with it forever.

I thought the same thing, so I asked my Doc. He said if I were to stop taking it, my body would eventually start producing it again, but it would still be low like it was before. I feel a lot better than I used to, so I don't mind getting a shot every week if that's what it takes. 

[XYZ 2154]

4 minutes ago, Sandman said:

I thought the same thing, so I asked my Doc. He said if I were to stop taking it, my body would eventually start producing it again, but it would still be low like it was before. I feel a lot better than I used to, so I don't mind getting a shot every week if that's what it takes. 

In what ways do you feel better?

[Sandman 3403]

21 minutes ago, XYZ said:

In what ways do you feel better?

I used to sit around the house and have zero desire to do ANYTHING. Even things I liked. I didn't feel like there was any point. I would say "Yeah, I could play golf/watch a movie/whatever but fuck, it'll just be over eventually and I'll come right back here and sit so why not just cut out the BS and just sit all day?". I quit pestering my wife for sex. I just didn't give a shit about anything. My counsellor said it sounded like depression but I didn't have any reason to be depressed IMO. I told my wife I wanted to go to the Dr., which is a big thing for me, I don't go to the Dr. at all. My T level was under 300, like 272 or so. I take 0.75m every week.

I'm not gonna say I'm running marathons or anything but I just feel better inside, if that makes any sense. When I think about doing something, I actually do some of those things! For years, I've always wanted a fun little convertible, just something to fart around town in with my wife. So last year, I found a cheap Miata and bought it. It's been a blast, I love tinkering with it. Shit like that. Basically, I no longer feel like EVERYTHING is just a waste of time. I feel like even the little things are cool, like going to the store or watching a youtube video. Hell, I even lost weight. Not to mention, my libido is off the hook. My wife can't keep up. It's been a great decision, I think.

Edited March 27, 2019 by Sandman

[XYZ 2154]

I feel like everything is a waste of time.

[MissingInAction 24979]

The job has got me spinning in a cycle of stress and mistakes caused by that stress due to an umanagable workload.

I need a god damn vacation.

Interesting about low t because I've been the same way, just not giving a shit about anything. Even getting laid. Pretty good looking lady, surly 6 maybe, has been throwing herself at me but I just don't give a shit.

[BearSchlong 8080]

I'm on my 2nd dose of BioTe. Absolutely love it. Between that and Wellbutrin XR I'm the happiest motherfucker on the planet. And the horniest. Was joking with a buddy last week that getting testosterone makes me ready to fuck a brick wall.

 

Will post more about both when I am not running out the door.

 

 

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

23 hours ago, troph said:

Jan through March was rough... always is.

The lack of sunlight I'm assuming? I moved from the Midwest to the South 20 years ago because of the gray winter's. 

Wasn't necessarily the cold, just the gray really affected me where I was. I was miserable the whole time.

[troph 24772]

The lack of sunlight I'm assuming? I moved from the Midwest to the South 20 years ago because of the gray winter's. 
Wasn't necessarily the cold, just the gray really affected me where I was. I was miserable the whole time.

Lack of sun mostly and the allergies. I get depressed when I don’t feel good. I’d like to live elsewhere December through March 15 and from July 4 through the end of September. The heat isn’t so bad but the lack of sun is awful.

[SHOOTER12 8799]

15 hours ago, Sandman said:

I'd say definitely go to your regular Dr. and get checked out. Maybe it's not purely a mental thing? I found out my testosterone was really low, which explained my lethargy and my lack of desire to change anything. I started TRT and I also went back to see my counsellor, I feel both of those were good ideas. 

 

14 hours ago, troph said:

def get your testosterone checked out.  that shit will fuck you up real bad.

So correct its unbelievable. 

[Lidig8r 1868]

Sometimes, inspiration or just a gentle reminder of hope in the world .... comes in unexpected ways.

A Single Point of Light

[Shoxthemonkey 1976]

How is everybody doing? Now that Spring is finally here and I'm able to work in the garden and help at the golf course I have noticed that my mood is quite a bit brighter. Feels good to get my hands dirty and break a sweat. I hope all of you are in a good place.

I'm not sure if it's good or bad that this thread left the front page.

[cactusflinthead 27597]

It drifts down the page sometimes. I haven't been watching the views number. I think we get some lurkers. It's here whenever someone wants to speak up. 

I'll share that my daughter has been going to therapy. She asked me if she could go. "Sure. Have you picked out someone?" She had one ready to go. I figure it's one of the better investments I can make. A hundred dollars a session is cheap compared to some alternatives of an undisclosed and untreated condition. It concerned me some at first, but she made it clear that she wanted to talk to someone outside the family, the classic unbiased opinion separate from her own circle. I couldn't argue with it. Been 3 or 4 months now. 

[ImGolfn 77]

Its been about 3 1/2 months since i posted here and well here i am.  Its May and it should be Sammie's 17th birthday coming up.  I feel myself shrinking back into my shell.  Outwardly I'm doing a great job of acting the part of doing ok, inwardly I'm a mess.  There's what feels like 5000 thoughts in my head every second and i cant focus on any of them. Inside i feel like I'm shaking and cant relax, i sleep but i dont rest.  Dont think i can open up to my wife because theresa lot on her/our plate.  One of her twins drowned their car in last weeks storms and its totaled but the payment is short of the payoff and of course they need a car but its not in the finances.  Last time i traded out of my car to get them this one and that didnt last a year.   The female twin i fear is approaching Sammie level depression.  Seems like nothing makes her happy.  Im happy at work i guess but also feel anxiety because i feel like i dont totally belong. I feel like im there because they know I'm dependable and reliable.   In 4 years there aside from Sammie's death, I've never missed a day sick, hell I've never even been late for work.  Maybe its because I'm at least 10 years older than everyone else there but i just feel awkward there as much as i try to fit in. I've had some very weird, very vivid dreams ... none of them pleasant.  I'm fighting but there are times I'm tired of fighting.  I cant end life myself but i wish sometimes someone would end it for me if that makes sense. But i am still kicking right now.

[Lidig8r 1868]

On 5/8/2019 at 10:11 PM, ImGolfn said:

Its been about 3 1/2 months since i posted here and well here i am.  Its May and it should be Sammie's 17th birthday coming up.  I feel myself shrinking back into my shell.  Outwardly I'm doing a great job of acting the part of doing ok, inwardly I'm a mess.  There's what feels like 5000 thoughts in my head every second and i cant focus on any of them. Inside i feel like I'm shaking and cant relax, i sleep but i dont rest.  Dont think i can open up to my wife because theresa lot on her/our plate.  One of her twins drowned their car in last weeks storms and its totaled but the payment is short of the payoff and of course they need a car but its not in the finances.  Last time i traded out of my car to get them this one and that didnt last a year.   The female twin i fear is approaching Sammie level depression.  Seems like nothing makes her happy.  Im happy at work i guess but also feel anxiety because i feel like i dont totally belong. I feel like im there because they know I'm dependable and reliable.   In 4 years there aside from Sammie's death, I've never missed a day sick, hell I've never even been late for work.  Maybe its because I'm at least 10 years older than everyone else there but i just feel awkward there as much as i try to fit in. I've had some very weird, very vivid dreams ... none of them pleasant.  I'm fighting but there are times I'm tired of fighting.  I cant end life myself but i wish sometimes someone would end it for me if that makes sense. But i am still kicking right now.

I recommend you do talk to your wife about this. Yes, a lot on her plate. But, financial issues, car issues are transient problems. They come, then go, come back again... we deal with them. But, depression, grief... those are issues that could drown us.

[Blanton 170]

Had an amazing vacation this past weekend in New York visiting an old friend from college. Everything was going well until we were watching a pilot his gf is in (she’s an actress) and her character’s father had a degenerative brain disease. Watching that scene seemed to have trigger some horrible depression/anxiety that I had kept at bay for the last few months. 

I have struggled immensely with depression the past couple of years due to my father suffering from Alezheimer’s. I think this bout is gonna stick around and I’m horribly afraid it’s gonna affect my ability to work, socialize, etc. 

I’ve taken medication and have seen a therapist but neither really worked. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I can’t stand the feeling of helplessness in regards to his situation while feeling simultaneously a failure because I didn’t live up to his ‘expectations’ and he might be gone before I’d consider myself successful. 

 

[Reagan1k 3022]

14 hours ago, Blanton said:

Had an amazing vacation this past weekend in New York visiting an old friend from college. Everything was going well until we were watching a pilot his gf is in (she’s an actress) and her character’s father had a degenerative brain disease. Watching that scene seemed to have trigger some horrible depression/anxiety that I had kept at bay for the last few months. 

I have struggled immensely with depression the past couple of years due to my father suffering from Alezheimer’s. I think this bout is gonna stick around and I’m horribly afraid it’s gonna affect my ability to work, socialize, etc. 

I’ve taken medication and have seen a therapist but neither really worked. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I can’t stand the feeling of helplessness in regards to his situation while feeling simultaneously a failure because I didn’t live up to his ‘expectations’ and he might be gone before I’d consider myself successful. 

 

That's rough Blanton.  On the therapy and medication, have you stuck with those?  Those typically aren't the quick-fix we all hope for and time is an ally there.

With regard to your feelings about your dad...Feelings aren't facts and you may be projecting those onto him when the fact is quite the opposite.  Just something to think about.

All I know is that I can't think my way into feeling better - I have to act my way into it.  Continue therapy and take steps to get out of one's self....go volunteer at a food bank, animal shelter, or homeless center.  Getting busy and focused on others instead of living in our heads is a surefire way to get some relief and rewire our perception of ourselves and our situation.

 

[Buzzrock 14897]

Old friend took his own life last week at age 50. Nicest guy you’d ever meet. Left behind two teenage boys and an ex-wife.

Reach out before it gets that bad. So many more people care about you than you realize.

[troph 24772]

Ugh that’s awful.

[cactusflinthead 27597]

Reagan dropping knowledge. 

Therapy is not like going to get a shot. It's closer to starting a workout program. Results happen while you are doing it and can be nearly imperceptible at first. Tearing off the scar tissue to look at where we got hurt is not an easy task. But, it's worth it. 

Feelings are fleeting. 

[cactusflinthead 27597]

20 hours ago, Blanton said:

Had an amazing vacation this past weekend in New York visiting an old friend from college. Everything was going well until we were watching a pilot his gf is in (she’s an actress) and her character’s father had a degenerative brain disease. Watching that scene seemed to have trigger some horrible depression/anxiety that I had kept at bay for the last few months. 

I have struggled immensely with depression the past couple of years due to my father suffering from Alezheimer’s. I think this bout is gonna stick around and I’m horribly afraid it’s gonna affect my ability to work, socialize, etc. 

I’ve taken medication and have seen a therapist but neither really worked. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I can’t stand the feeling of helplessness in regards to his situation while feeling simultaneously a failure because I didn’t live up to his ‘expectations’ and he might be gone before I’d consider myself successful. 

 

Pulling for ya. You're an important cog in the wheels. Everyone is in some way. That's the whole lesson of Capra and Stewart. You are making a difference in the lives of those around you. 

Like Reagan said sometimes they best thing we can do to shake ourselves out of our funk or to weather it until it passes is to go do something for someone else. 

[Blanton 170]

On 5/21/2019 at 7:58 PM, cactusflinthead said:

Pulling for ya. You're an important cog in the wheels. Everyone is in some way. That's the whole lesson of Capra and Stewart. You are making a difference in the lives of those around you. 

Like Reagan said sometimes they best thing we can do to shake ourselves out of our funk or to weather it until it passes is to go do something for someone else. 

Appreciate the feedback. Sometimes I just wish I was never a cog in anyone’s life, existence feels without purpose, and I’m here left with an ocean of issues that wouldn’t exist if I never was here in the first place. Maybe some philosophy would alleviate these issues...

[pacman 7353]

We lost a smart, beautiful Longhorn to alcoholism and her bipokar disorder recently. She was a lawyer with a great career. Unfortunately, her personal demons and a society that shuns mental illness/addiction took her.

My hope is we all learn to support each other more when we need help of any kind. Thankful for threads like these.

Edited May 23, 2019 by pacman