Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[Bozo_Casanova 26230]

On 10/31/2022 at 5:09 PM, Lidig8r said:

So, Sunday October 30 was the 6th commemoration of my daughter being taken after fighting eating disorders for 7 years.

I thought... no, I knew that the day would be horrifically bad. But then ...

I am so blessed to have a son, and close friends who prop me up on the worst of days.

And, I have been given the ability to write somewhat coherently about thoughts and feelings. Even still ...

http://adadsjourneywitheatingdisorders.home.blog/2022/10/31/october-30-2016/

May whatever there is bless and keep you. 

[Parliament 14108]

Bump for the holiday. The only advice I can offer is don't feel obligated to spend time with aholes who suck out all your happiness.  Even if they're family.  Just don't.  Life's too short.

Be safe out there, Guys.

[Helobious 9475]

I’m always grateful around holiday time. I’m lucky that (so far) everyone in my family gets along and that no one’s an asshole or big source of drama. I love spending time with them and it’s my favorite time of year. I know a lot of people aren’t so lucky.

[Lidig8r 1852]

May we all remember love, joy and family during this time of the year.  For some people, like me, it is certainly brings mixed emotions. But, gentlemen, embrace your children and spouse. You are loved.

http://adadsjourneywitheatingdisorders.home.blog/2022/12/23/christmas-children-and-love/

[YGIFS 19449]

^

Hope your holiday season brings some deserved light and joy.  I know it's tough.  I mean, I don't know.  But I can imagine, and I wish you all the best moving forward.  

Took me two little girls and multiple decades on this rock to realize there is no fucking reason to be so mean to one another while we're stuck on this marble together.  Then only in the last six months did I learn that not only that, we're also really fucking cruel to ourselves.  Gonna take me awhile to dig outta this hole, but I am optimistic for the first time in a long while.  I don't really know what is out there but I feel it in my life on a daily basis, and it shouts for us to love ourselves and one another and is constantly stunned by us and wants to scream back, "All the love and peace crap, and 'hate the gays and immigrants'...that's what you fucking got out of the message...the fuck man?"  

[cactusflinthead 27593]

On 4/20/2022 at 11:25 AM, cactusflinthead said:

12.20.21 46400 views

Today, 119 days later, 58800.

About 60 views a day.

Y'all hang in there.

4/20? Well, ok.

268 days this timecheck 

68.8k views today

Somebody is reading. Every once in a while someone says something. 

I thought about a reset of biggest hits. 

Maybe. It would take some digging to find it all, but I guess that's why we're here. Rooting around the bones in the dirt asking why. 

I still like the farmer parable.

I think that's what Jack Ingram is talking about here.

 

There's a certain amount of freedom
When you realize everything is in doubt
And if half the weight to heaven
Is still just half the way to hell
Keep riding high, eating good and staying out of jail   

This is one of my tools. I can tell my oh so certain self that we're really not aware of everything. You don't know. In fact it's best if you don't. Deal with what you have in front of you and don't worry about stuff you can't do anything about. 

Maybe. It's not such a bad word.

 

Edit: I am not fixing the obvious problem with the lyrics. The chatbot had a poetic moment.

Edited January 4, 2023 by cactusflinthead

[UpperWestside 6101]

In 2021 I took a week-long trip to Vermont during the time that it had been a year since I stopped drinking. Last year I had two badly injured fingers that prevented me from doing anything to celebrate. I decided several months ago that not only was I going to celebrate year three in a place I have wanted to go since I was a kid, but I was going to go for the entire month of January. I badly needed this break also because working as a server is very mentally straining for me. I love what I do, but mentally there is so much I have to process, not least of which is loud noise in a small area. 
 

I booked a bungalow about 3km’s above the ocean in Tahiti in Punaauia. I did not want to stay at a hotel with tourists. The only noise I hear up here is some random roosters roaming the neighborhood as well as a few birds. It is a blessing to be able to take a month off work, but I have an understanding GM as well as another manager that encourages me to do things like this. I am going to attempt to take time off every six months so I do not get too overloaded mentally. I realize that most of y’all cannot just up and leave for a month, but please at least take a weekend for yourself when you feel completely stressed or burned out. Do not let it get to the point where your body has to tell you to take a break. 

[HRSchenker 2257]

I've probably talked about this before so SIAP but I need to get this off my chest. I'm seriously considering getting out of community health care. I really feel like these past 3 years have destroyed any enjoyment I had in my professional life and I find it bleeding into my personal life. Before the pandemic I was having second thoughts about my professional life. I had left a corporate job where I was being denied promotion and advancement for a different non-corporate gig that was less stressful. But this job became more stressful than my other one and I felt like I had hit a plateau rather than rising up like before. Pandemic came rolling around and I took it as a sign that maybe this is what I was put here to do. Since then everything has gone downhill. Haven't had a raise in 4 years, the public doesn't view me as a hero (if anything there's a very vocal crowd that thinks I'm evil because I give the vaccine), people are angrier and less patient (no pun intended), and I'm just finding myself getting more frustrated by my workload and who I have to deal with. I'm exhausted 24/7. I wake up at 6am every day tired, go to work and get yelled at all day by people who don't understand their health insurance plan, and then come at 6pm totally wiped out. I'm going to bed at 8pm, 8:30pm, 9pm and I usually stay up until 10. Wife wants to tell me stories about her day at work and I have almost no interest in any of it. I just want to wind down and go to bed. 

I don't know how I can make this a long term career. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel as a health care professional working for the public. I really want to make a change but to be honest, it terrifies me. I'm terrified that it would be a mistake and that if I stuck it out further it might work out in the end. Terrified that other areas of health care will view me as damaged goods and unworthy. Terrified of disappointing family. Terrified of disappointing myself. 

By the way this is NOT a cry for help. I'm not in any danger of self harm or anything like that. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading. 

[TwiceHorn 31179]

On 1/3/2023 at 10:31 PM, cactusflinthead said:

4/20? Well, ok.

268 days this timecheck 

68.8k views today

Somebody is reading. Every once in a while someone says something. 

I thought about a reset of biggest hits. 

Maybe. It would take some digging to find it all, but I guess that's why we're here. Rooting around the bones in the dirt asking why. 

I still like the farmer parable.

I think that's what Jack Ingram is talking about here.

 

There's a certain amount of freedom
When you realize everything is in doubt
And if half the weight to heaven
Is still just half the way to hell
Keep riding high, eating good and staying out of jail   

This is one of my tools. I can tell my oh so certain self that we're really not aware of everything. You don't know. In fact it's best if you don't. Deal with what you have in front of you and don't worry about stuff you can't do anything about. 

Maybe. It's not such a bad word.

 

Edit: I am not fixing the obvious problem with the lyrics. The chatbot had a poetic moment.

In a lot of ways, that kind of encapsulates the "higher power" of AA.  In the final analysis, I don't run shit and I don't know shit.  I'm not 100% sure who does, but it ain't me.

[Lidig8r 1852]

12 hours ago, HRSchenker said:

I've probably talked about this before so SIAP but I need to get this off my chest. I'm seriously considering getting out of community health care. I really feel like these past 3 years have destroyed any enjoyment I had in my professional life and I find it bleeding into my personal life. Before the pandemic I was having second thoughts about my professional life. I had left a corporate job where I was being denied promotion and advancement for a different non-corporate gig that was less stressful. But this job became more stressful than my other one and I felt like I had hit a plateau rather than rising up like before. Pandemic came rolling around and I took it as a sign that maybe this is what I was put here to do. Since then everything has gone downhill. Haven't had a raise in 4 years, the public doesn't view me as a hero (if anything there's a very vocal crowd that thinks I'm evil because I give the vaccine), people are angrier and less patient (no pun intended), and I'm just finding myself getting more frustrated by my workload and who I have to deal with. I'm exhausted 24/7. I wake up at 6am every day tired, go to work and get yelled at all day by people who don't understand their health insurance plan, and then come at 6pm totally wiped out. I'm going to bed at 8pm, 8:30pm, 9pm and I usually stay up until 10. Wife wants to tell me stories about her day at work and I have almost no interest in any of it. I just want to wind down and go to bed. 

I don't know how I can make this a long term career. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel as a health care professional working for the public. I really want to make a change but to be honest, it terrifies me. I'm terrified that it would be a mistake and that if I stuck it out further it might work out in the end. Terrified that other areas of health care will view me as damaged goods and unworthy. Terrified of disappointing family. Terrified of disappointing myself. 

By the way this is NOT a cry for help. I'm not in any danger of self harm or anything like that. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading. 

I have observed so many people in your place in the mental health field the last three (3) years. And this at a time when we need even more competent and able mental health professionals. Overworked. Under-appreciated. Derided at times. Seeing only the fractured souls.

I have no great words of wisdom here at all.

And yet, I can't help but wonder how many lives you have saved that you do not know about?

How much sickness, anguish and pain have you prevented through your dedication and commitment?

How many sons and daughters have you spared the agonizing pain of seeing their parent get incredibly sick ... or die because of your work?

How many parents have you spared the indescribable permanent grief that comes watching their child die in their arms?

How many people in the future will find their soulmate, or who may invent something that gives such substance to life because at this difficult time in the world, you were there for them?

To so many people, including me, YOU are the greatest hero possible!

Unacknowledged. Unappreciated. Down trodden. Working in the shadows.

I hope you find that one lone candle in a room of darkness. And that it continues to guide you on a path of light, of love.

[UpperWestside 6101]

On 1/15/2023 at 6:01 PM, HRSchenker said:

I've probably talked about this before so SIAP but I need to get this off my chest. I'm seriously considering getting out of community health care. I really feel like these past 3 years have destroyed any enjoyment I had in my professional life and I find it bleeding into my personal life. Before the pandemic I was having second thoughts about my professional life. I had left a corporate job where I was being denied promotion and advancement for a different non-corporate gig that was less stressful. But this job became more stressful than my other one and I felt like I had hit a plateau rather than rising up like before. Pandemic came rolling around and I took it as a sign that maybe this is what I was put here to do. Since then everything has gone downhill. Haven't had a raise in 4 years, the public doesn't view me as a hero (if anything there's a very vocal crowd that thinks I'm evil because I give the vaccine), people are angrier and less patient (no pun intended), and I'm just finding myself getting more frustrated by my workload and who I have to deal with. I'm exhausted 24/7. I wake up at 6am every day tired, go to work and get yelled at all day by people who don't understand their health insurance plan, and then come at 6pm totally wiped out. I'm going to bed at 8pm, 8:30pm, 9pm and I usually stay up until 10. Wife wants to tell me stories about her day at work and I have almost no interest in any of it. I just want to wind down and go to bed. 

I don't know how I can make this a long term career. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel as a health care professional working for the public. I really want to make a change but to be honest, it terrifies me. I'm terrified that it would be a mistake and that if I stuck it out further it might work out in the end. Terrified that other areas of health care will view me as damaged goods and unworthy. Terrified of disappointing family. Terrified of disappointing myself. 

By the way this is NOT a cry for help. I'm not in any danger of self harm or anything like that. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading. 

One I want to say thank you for the work you have done. As was stated by someone else you don’t know the help you may have given to someone that badly needed it. 
 

Two is that, and I think that this is most important for both you and your wife, is that you get to live one life. There are no do-overs and second chances. If you feel in your heart that this is not how you want to spend your working life then you need to find an exit strategy and get to a place where you have some peace. Working long hours like you are doing while doing something that is causing you more stress than you can handle is not a recipe for happiness. It is okay to say you cannot handle what you are doing and opt for something that makes you happier. 
 

You have to be the one to take that step. Do a job that you enjoy and are compensated in line with what you want to make if it is possible. You can do it, but again it is up to you. I think we all support whatever you decide to do.

[cactusflinthead 27593]

On 1/15/2023 at 10:01 PM, HRSchenker said:

just needed to vent. Thanks for reading. 

We're going to be here. Feel free to let fly. 

I can't imagine what you have had to deal with the last few years. You are the only one that really knows. We can listen and be supportive, but ultimately it's on us as individuals to make the decisions and do whatever we're gonna do. 

Regardless of what you decide to do about your gig the world is going to keep being a fucked up mess and full of wonder all at the same time. Ain't no shame in taking a break from the roller coaster.

 

[Sandman 3401]

I know this is going to sound very "Cats in the Cradle", but here we go:

My kids are 21 and have both moved out. One of them (stupidly IMO) ran off and got married and is having a kid. I don't approve for many reasons but there's nothing I can do. I haven't cut her off or anything like that. SHe's always welcome at the house, I still ask if she needs anything when we run to Costco or Sam's. My other kid is doing fine, and I treat her the same way. But I feel a huge disconnect between us. They haven't done anything "wrong", like something that has ruined our relationship. But I find myself pulling away, more and more each day. They don't communicate well, that doesn't help. Takes days from them to respond to a call or text. I don't want to be up in their business all the time, just don't text me 2 days later if I ask you to come by and get your new insurance card. 

I feel guilty when I do things for myself, like buy myself something cool, or go somewhere fun, when I know they don't have a lot of disposable income. But I didn't force them to move out! They wanted to do it, I said you might want to think harder about this, you know you can live here for free, but they left anyway. They don't come to me for money at all but I still feel like they think I'm throwing shit in their face. "Dad's a jerk, buys himself stuff while I suffer!", that's what I worry that they might think. And I can't be a part of that, I pull away. Maybe I subconsciously feel like them moving out means that they don't want anything to do with me anymore? Like I have to distance myself as a petty revenge? 

[troph 24545]

kids start making decisions for themselves at ages that if we really admitted how young they were would make us feel really uncomfortable.  you certainly know your kids better than anyone, so I can't say for sure, but you just gotta live your life, and support as you can.  They made decisions to adult up before they probably had to. they choose that, and as long as you keep the door open and you make your offers from time to time, they will always know it was there.  And truth is, if they decide not to communicate with you at all or on the frequency you might not prefer, that's also their decision and we have zero control over that.  and that is what I think most of this is about - while morality has shifted on how we maintain contact with parents, the age old conflict of separation from the understandable control parents have is something kids have done for all of our existence.

and if I sound flippant, note that me, my brother and my sister don't talk to our father and my oldest son no longer lives with me and won't talk to me.  reasons. and everyone, I mean everyone feels justified.  My dad thinks we are sinful and ungrateful kids, we think he's an asshole (and he is). My son thinks I'm a controlling asshole (I can be), and I think he was out of control with lies, stealing, forgery, substance abuse, bad friends, and creating a very unsafe environment for his younger brothers (and he was), so I told him my rules or move out, he moved out. Both of those fractured relationships - my dad with us and my son with me (and his brothers) hurt beyond measure. But people make their decisions and there's not a lot we can do, regardless of the side we are on except keep the door open.  My dad, if he will turn his heart soft to his children will at least get immediate forgiveness from me, and my son is already forgiven and welcome back into a relationship (not to live with me and his brothers at my house).

but even with an attempt at taking the emotional high road, complacency and getting used to no contact happens, and enjoying the lack of drama happens. I don't particularly like the decisions my son made. I don't like that he found refuge in a home where substance abuse is excused as medication. I don't want to be around that at all, not one bit. it makes me feel naturally distant and it makes my routine of making sure he knows I'm still here hard to continue, but I do it.  that feeling isn't bad, it just is.

in the end, as parents we have to move into the parent of adult children role eventually, for some of us like you with kids at 21 and me with a son at 18, that comes way earlier than we hoped but we have to make the transition - they will ask when they need help, they will ask when they want advice and while we can always offer help, we should zip it shut until our adult children ask for input, because until they ask, they've already made it clear it's their turn and we should respect that.

I'm sorry for your pain, I understand it.

Edited February 1, 2023 by troph

[cactusflinthead 27593]

1 hour ago, Sandman said:

Takes days from them to respond to a call or text

Try to not take it personally. There's a greater than zero chance they have shit going on and just didn't respond. 

Being available later is better than nothing at all. 

And don't beat yourself up for getting yourself something cool. It serves no purpose. Unless you told someone besides us, you're the only one that is really going to know. You made it clear they are welcome to come by. That's enough. You did what you are supposed to do. Feeling guilty about a nifty new whatever isn't going to make them call you. 

Just keep being available. 

 

[Parliament 14108]

Write them a letter about whatever good things.  Mail a postcard.  Send random pics of whatever you're doing.  Just because they don't reciprocate doesn't mean they don't appreciate it.

[Sandman 3401]

16 hours ago, cactusflinthead said:

Try to not take it personally. There's a greater than zero chance they have shit going on and just didn't respond. 

Being available later is better than nothing at all. 

And don't beat yourself up for getting yourself something cool. It serves no purpose. Unless you told someone besides us, you're the only one that is really going to know. You made it clear they are welcome to come by. That's enough. You did what you are supposed to do. Feeling guilty about a nifty new whatever isn't going to make them call you. 

Just keep being available. 

 

I think my issues (and I 100% accept that these issues are mine, and no fault of my children) stem from my upbringing. I was a military brat and didn't grow up around family, at all. Never spent time with grandparents, uncles, cousins. Only met my maternal grandparents 5 times, I think. Later, my older sister got married and left when I was 15. I never learned how to make familial connections, or maybe I just thought that you don't get close to people, as they'll be gone soon enough. So I find myself teetering between being bothered that I don't have as much contact with my kids as I would like, or being fine with moving on in my life without thinking much about them. 

Being a grandparent is not something I feel good about, either. I never had a "real" grandfather. My dad's dad died before I was born. My mom's dad just wasn't interested. I don't know how that relationship is supposed to work. My instinct is to just not get involved. I feel a lot of pressure to do things "the right way" but I honestly don't know what the right thing is. Just thinking about it makes me want to just walk out the door and drive away to parts unknown. Why???

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

6 minutes ago, Sandman said:

Just thinking about it makes me want to just walk out the door and drive away to parts unknown. Why???

Conflict sucks. Conflicts where you have a vested interest (family) is beyond suck. Human nature says to run away from danger...

[crash_davis 23078]

Parents watch your kids. Earlier this week, a UT Freshman jumped off the roof of an apartment building in West Campus. RIP.

Now both UT daughters have experienced the pain of losing people they knew to suicide. This is not an idea that ever entered my mind when they entered college.

[cactusflinthead 27593]

20 minutes ago, Sandman said:

teetering between being bothered that I don't have as much contact with my kids as I would like, or being fine with moving on

I'm not qualified to tell anyone what to do with their lives other than how to kill weeds and possibly keep other stuff alive.

But, I would want to have a straight up honest conversation with the kids. Be vulnerable. Tell them some of what you just said. 

"I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. I want you to be independent humans capable of handling your own business but I don't want to lose you either. I'm here if you need me, but I don't have to be in charge. I didn't have a lot of good examples to learn from so I am gonna have to learn as I go. I love you and I hope you know that."

I don't know if it's going to fix anything, but it's going to get it out there on the table. 

 

[Lidig8r 1852]

5 hours ago, Sandman said:

Being a grandparent is not something I feel good about, either. I never had a "real" grandfather. My dad's dad died before I was born. My mom's dad just wasn't interested. I don't know how that relationship is supposed to work. My instinct is to just not get involved. I feel a lot of pressure to do things "the right way" but I honestly don't know what the right thing is. Just thinking about it makes me want to just walk out the door and drive away to parts unknown. Why???

 Being a grandfather can be a life enrichening experience. In this case, you have the luxury of saying, "Screw the past! I am my own man." My grand kids get to call me some fun, screwy name. "Poppi" in my case.

I urge you to go to your pregnant daughter and with love in your heart, be authentic, be honest. Feel free to say, "I know I made mistakes as a dad but you are an incredible person. You are bringing an incredible gift into the world. And, I want to be there as my grandparents were not."

As they get older, teach your grandbaby how to fish, or go to movies with him/her, color with them. Give yourself permission to be silly. To laugh. To love. There is no right way or wrong way. There is just ... your way. Be your authentic self. And never forget that the most powerful things we can say as a daddy, as a grandfather are, "I am sorry." and "I love you."

And make no mistake, you are about to encounter a seemingly absolute truth which happens to most people. And that is, young parents discover how incredibly smart, how wise THEIR parents are when they first have children.

You want to do something tangible right now.  After young Beauregard Aloyisius III is born, start a college fund, or buy some Disney stock for them. In that way, you are doing something tangible, you are showing your love in a concrete way.

I hope you get to experience the incredible joy, the incredible love that many grandparents feel. Be yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. And laugh and love every day.

[cactusflinthead 27593]

Lid drops some truth

[DalTxHornFan 3083]

7 minutes ago, Lidig8r said:

 Being a grandfather can be a life enrichening experience. In this case, you have the luxury of saying, "Screw the past! I am my own man." My grand kids get to call me some fun, screwy name. "Poppi" in my case.

I urge you to go to your pregnant daughter and with love in your heart, be authentic, be honest. Feel free to say, "I know I made mistakes as a dad but you are an incredible person. You are bringing an incredible gift into the world. And, I want to be there as my grandparents were not."

As they get older, teach your grandbaby how to fish, or go to movies with him/her, color with them. Give yourself permission to be silly. To laugh. To love. There is no right way or wrong way. There is just ... your way. Be your authentic self. And never forget that the most powerful things we can say as a daddy, as a grandfather are, "I am sorry." and "I love you."

And make no mistake, you are about to encounter a seemingly absolute truth which happens to most people. And that is, young parents discover how incredibly smart, how wise THEIR parents are when they first have children.

You want to do something tangible right now.  After young Beauregard Aloyisius III is born, start a college fund, or buy some Disney stock for them. In that way, you are doing something tangible, you are showing your love in a concrete way.

I hope you get to experience the incredible joy, the incredible love that many grandparents feel. Be yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. And laugh and love every day.

From one "Poppi" to another!  (or maybe "Poppy" depending upon how she decides to spell it -- she's not quite two years old) Good stuff.

Edited February 2, 2023 by DalTxHornFan

[HamsterHookah 112]

10 minutes ago, cactusflinthead said:

Lid drops some truth

Dang near made me cry, I tell ya.

[Helobious 9475]

I only knew one of my grandfathers. He spoke no English and I wasn’t amazing at Spanish so we never even talked much and weren’t super close. All I remember is him driving me & my sister around in his shitty car when we were little and playing tejano on the radio. He would do these super loud “gritos” and would tell us to try and copy him. We’d try but would crack up laughing everytime. He died when I was 10. Years later later and I still think about him everytime I hear tejano music.

tldr; just be there for your grandkids/kids. Spend time with them even if it’s something stupid or mundane. It could mean more then you or them even know.

[Gatorubet 30052]

23 hours ago, Sandman said:

I think my issues (and I 100% accept that these issues are mine, and no fault of my children) stem from my upbringing. I was a military brat and didn't grow up around family, at all. Never spent time with grandparents, uncles, cousins. Only met my maternal grandparents 5 times, I think. Later, my older sister got married and left when I was 15. I never learned how to make familial connections, or maybe I just thought that you don't get close to people, as they'll be gone soon enough. So I find myself teetering between being bothered that I don't have as much contact with my kids as I would like, or being fine with moving on in my life without thinking much about them. 

Being a grandparent is not something I feel good about, either. I never had a "real" grandfather. My dad's dad died before I was born. My mom's dad just wasn't interested. I don't know how that relationship is supposed to work. My instinct is to just not get involved. I feel a lot of pressure to do things "the right way" but I honestly don't know what the right thing is. Just thinking about it makes me want to just walk out the door and drive away to parts unknown. Why???

This post is in no way meant in a negative way. But reading just two of your posts makes me think that you have some serious issues to work through. It also seems that you will have a not so great chance of succeeding if it is you trying to work out these things yourself.

Therapy can be truly awesomely helpful to so many people. A great therapist will listen to you and you both can figure out why you are thinking and acting the way you do - and more importantly give you some substantive tools to better your relationships with your kids. If nothing else, it will also give you  greater insight on how to accept your current situation if it won’t change anytime soon.

Your inclination to just run away is understandable, but possibly that is your go-to move in dealing with conflict that has led to your relationship with your kids. I get along fine with my two kids who are in their 30s, but there is no force on earth that will make them respond to me in a timely manner. I get it. I accept it.  But it still chaps my ass. I guarantee you that it does not mean they do not love me and care for me. It is just a thing that I’ve grown to accept and not feel chapped about.

I am not at all qualified to give advice, but I am qualified to say you should consider counseling for you…and maybe family counseling in future if you sell it as wanting a good relationship and NOT using it to support any side in a blame game. 

You may have to turn the other cheek for a while until your kids grow up more and realize that your actions and more importantly your intentions were always out of love and to help them.   And if you fucked up some, a sincere “I’m sorry” can be world altering

[Not that Bob 734]

Like so many of the posts above, I always want to “do something”. I want to “fix the problem”.  I have found it freeing and possibly more “useful “ to often do nothing. Sort of a “Let go. Let God” sort of thing. Just be there. That can be powerful. 

[Sandman 3401]

4 hours ago, Gatorubet said:

This post is in no way meant in a negative way

No negativity taken, sir. I've been in therapy a few times and it was great, I wish I had the time (and money) to go every week. 

I don't feel like my relationship with my kids is damaged at all, or that they're acting in an unreasonable manner. Funnily enough, I just got a "Hey, thinking of you" text from one of them. Pretty cool.

I think it boils down to I'm just scared of the unknown and maybe I'm trying to latch onto those things that are most familiar, like having my children around 24/7. But they had to grow up and leave at some point, why not now? I'll get over it in time. Reading the posts in this thread (and venting) has and will continue to help me. So, thanks for that.

[cactusflinthead 27593]

You don't know who you're gonna help.

 

[Sandman 3401]

My kid came by last night to pick up some mail and shoot the shit. It was nice. But the best part was when she called over the dog so she could pet him and he didn't really pay her much attention. She said (not very seriously) "Why are you being so distant??" and he just looked away. I laughed internally and said "Ah, I'm not the only one!". We had a great visit and I look forward to the next one.

[fattyflattie 4636]

5 hours ago, cactusflinthead said:

You don't know who you're gonna help.

 

I was thinking something similar just the other day, after perusing this thread for the first time in…ever maybe?  Never know who’s going thru what on the other side of the keyboard.  Eye opening in a few instances.  Stay well. 

[Nuge 1960]

My father and I didn't have the best relationship.  Not a bad one just a little distant.  I had been feeling shame because I thought that he was ashamed of me for actions from 30 years ago.  I recently had a serious romantic relationship end which caused a lot of self reflection on my part.  I realized that holding on to this shame had been eating away at me and that I didn't want that burden anymore.  I called my dad and told him why I had been feeling this way.  I could hear him tear up on the other end of the line and he said "whatever I'd been feeling changed when I saw the man you've grown to be".  The relief was immediate.  I'm not letting shame hold me down anymore.  I feel much closer to my father now.

I guess the point is, let the kids know you love and support them.  It will provide them immense relief to know that you're there for them no matter what.

[TwiceHorn 31179]

On 2/3/2023 at 3:07 PM, Sandman said:

No negativity taken, sir. I've been in therapy a few times and it was great, I wish I had the time (and money) to go every week. 

I don't feel like my relationship with my kids is damaged at all, or that they're acting in an unreasonable manner. Funnily enough, I just got a "Hey, thinking of you" text from one of them. Pretty cool.

I think it boils down to I'm just scared of the unknown and maybe I'm trying to latch onto those things that are most familiar, like having my children around 24/7. But they had to grow up and leave at some point, why not now? I'll get over it in time. Reading the posts in this thread (and venting) has and will continue to help me. So, thanks for that.

I dunno nuffin bout kids, except having been one.  But, I suspect that you are doing the right thing here, even if it feels very weird.

Parents, by their nature, care for and control their children.  Exactly where is the line between caring and control, I don't think anyone really knows, we just do the best we can.

Your kids are fleeing the nest.  This happens to everyone, mostly, and is a good and natural thing.  In the process of doing so, they have made some decisions that you don't agree with and hoped that you had raised them not to make. That is understandably concerning.  So, you have two choices, it seems, try to control them and in the process get rather militant about what you think are their bad decisions, or, as you say "let go and let God."  And I think the latter is the right thing to do, both for yourself and for them.  To use the implicitly racist they're "free white and 21," there's nothing you can do to control them anymore, and an attempt to do so will only drive you bonkers and create resentment in them.

Their being less responsive to texts and overtures from you I think is a natural, maybe somewhat subconscious on their part, way of detaching from you, their parent.  I think most early adults go through something like that, whether they really mean to or not.  Even if they mean to, they'll soon enough come to appreciate their Dad and not try to so overtly detach.

I'm sure it feels very weird and like you aren't doing enough.  But you are and you have.

[MissingInAction 24765]

Mortality has been fucking with me lately.  It all started when I put on my 2003 Spurs NBA title T the other day. I was like Holy fuck this shirt is 20 years old. 

Then I thought.... will I make it another 20?

All signs point to yes: I'm in great shape, can still pick up women in their 20s, no ailments other than past injuries flaring up. 

Guess I just had not considered how fast time goes by until now.

[Lidig8r 1852]

(TL/DR crew ... so, Lid gets impaired and snaps at Mi Cocina, yells at his SO and a trusted friend, walks home while dressed in his suit and feels great angst because one idiot doctor is stupid enough to say that Terminal Anorexia exists and that she was complicit in at least 2 of her patients' death.)

So, sometimes you just snap.

Last year an idiot doctor in Denver had an article published in an academic journal trying to establish that "Terminal Anorexia." is a thing. The entire industry is strongly opposed to that theory. The thing is ... it is not just a theory. In her article, she references 3 patients. With 2 of them she prescribed the Medical Aid In Dying drugs. 1 of her patients took the drugs and died.

Now, I get it. Death is a thing with me. For most, death is an abstract concept. It is what happens to everyone else ... until it doesn't.

So, I am on the warpath against Dr. Death. I reached out to a number of organizations and treatment providers, referred to her as such, etc. She made the mistake of retaining an attorney who sent me a little 2 page letter ... basically, stop "defaming" my client, I've crossed the line, etc. etc. I replied with an 11 page essay along with an extensive document going into all of my advocacy work. 

They go radio silent.

So, I find out that she has obtained licenses or tele-medicine licenses in 46 states .... 16 of which have criminal laws against assisted suicide. And so, beginning last week, i started filing medical complaints. One a week until all 16 states have been contacted.

Well, I was not aware that i was a ticking time bomb. Last night at Mi Cocina, am having drinks and food with the SO and Dr. Stephanie Setliff. Stephanie is perhaps the best eating disorder doc in the state, has become a trusted friend and is pretty hot. The conversation turns to anorexia and death, I start asking why no one is going after Dr. Death except for me ... and the next thing I know, I turn into this foaming at the mouth, yelling, mad man.

I storm out of MiCo. Go next door to the Tom Thumb, buy toilet paper and one big can of Shiner Bock ... and start to walk home.

Now, imagine an elder gentleman, slightly impaired, dressed in a bespoke suit, walking down Frankford Road at 10:00 at night, a grocery bag filled with toilet paper in one hand, and a beer in the other... mumbling, distraught. Well, I make it home before the SO. (We live around Campbell and Preston Road).

I pound some bourbon. Pass out.

Wake up today. Make my amends to the SO and Stephanie. And file another complaint against Dr. Death.

The point is ... you never know how close to the edge you really are. Just when you think you have your emotions under control, your anguish at bay .. one small thing can push you over the edge.

So, I will make an appointment with a therapist in the next week to get my three times a year check up.

Then, pick up the sword and shield and go back to war.

[Bozo_Casanova 26230]

Dammit, I had to put my old dog down today. She was nearly 12 and had a great life. We handled it the right way and we put her down just before her quality of life took a bad turn. I guess that’s good, but I’ll miss the hell out of that dog. I loved her and I don’t even like most people.  My older daughter lives 5000 miles away and my younger will be out of the house in a year. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize the tired old man who looks back. 
Everything just feels terminal. My wife reminds me that it feels that way because it is, and that it’s all the more reason to get busy living. But it’s hard not to think of myself and everything I care about in the past tense. 
 

bonus Norm MacDonald joke

 

[DalTxHornFan 3083]

Funny Norm MacDonald joke!  Sorry about you losing your buddy.  Dogs going away always makes this guy a bit misty.

[cactusflinthead 27593]

I think it's pretty damn cool this place exists.

I came by to check on everyone and there's @Lidig8r walking down Frankford with TP and a beer.

Of course you were fired up! I can't imagine any other reaction from you. You blew steam at the ones you felt could handle it. You apologized and moved along. 

I don't see the problem here.

@Sandman how is it going with the kids? My old man called me today too. He didn't remember the last time I called. It was last Wednesday. He's old. 

Which brings me to the last point. 

We only get so many seconds. That good dog and Stoopid one brain celled orange cat get to share some of them.

That tree too. This begonia that is a cutting from a great grandmother.

They will get my bones maybe. We live today. We have today. Make the most of it ladies and gentlemen. Make amends. Make a cake. Have fun. Grab some now.

 

[UpperWestside 6101]

On Friday I had a family come in and the parents were from Haiti. They had their two daughters with them. One was really quiet for about 30 minutes. I was across the restaurant and heard a loud noise being repeated and I thought someone might be upset. Once I saw where the noise came from I recognized what was happening. One of the daughters was autistic and communicating to her parents. I have a manager who has worked in restaurants for our company for five decades and he has an autistic nephew. This guy has the patience of Job and he just says “Everything is okay” He recognizes the different ways an autistic kid communicates.
 

Our bartender is a really nice guy, but he doesn’t understand the beauty in how she was communicating. He says in an empathetic way “That poor girl.” I wasn’t upset with him. I had a free moment so I explained to him that she is on the spectrum and she is just communicating to her mom. They know I am on the mild end of the spectrum so I told him that to her we are the strange ones for not communicating the same way she does. We get to the end of their meal and I talk with the parents some more and the dad felt embarrassed and tried to apologize for his daughter being loud. You can tell he is used to his daughter being stared at when they are out. I explained to him I am on the spectrum and that how she communicates is awesome to listen to and that she was disturbing no one. I got a little choked up talking with our manager because he knows how hard this is on the parents. To me it was beautiful, but to others it would be an annoyance and interruption of their meal. I’m thankful I work in a place where we are so accepting of people like that young lady. 
 

I mention this story because I know all of you at one tIme or another have been in this same situation in a restaurant or store and some people may have made fun of the person or gave disapproving glares. If you ever see it tell the parents something nice because you just don’t know how they are feeling. I can guarantee they have heard their daughter called the r word at some point by people who have no idea what is going on. 

[HamsterHookah 112]

Interesting reading on post-partum psychosis and what we still dont' know about it. My heart breaks for this because I thought post-partum depression was bad!

https://www.newyorker.com/science/annals-of-medicine/what-we-still-dont-understand-about-postpartum-psychosis

[Bevoette 1244]

Let's see.... a bit ADD, PTS, anxiety,  prone to panic attacks.   When I was younger Sr HS and 20's I was sexually assaulted,  people came to my aid, wasn't raped Thank God.  Was also sexual assaulted by a boss at a U Haul after I got married and started as an office manager.  I later sued and they settled but they tried to make it my fault and it's a bit embarrassing, well humiliation with the WTF does that matter questions by their attorney.  When my spouse and I hit a rough patch he became verbally abusive to a point I wanted to die. He got help but damage was done. I'm a hot mess on medication even for sleep.  As you know.  

[UpperWestside 6101]

Decided yesterday that I wanted to switch jobs. I made exceptionally good money, but the mental strain there was too much. I will gladly take far less money and a much longer commute because it gives me peace of mind. There is no price you can put on that.

[nbmishoid 928]

Retire and the commute is real small.

[UpperWestside 6101]

Probably will never retire honestly, but that doesn’t upset me. I have a plan for what I hope to accomplish though, but I gotta take care of myself mentally to do any of it. 

[Texzilla58 4715]

Nm

[Sandman 3401]

My grandchild arrived about 10 days ago. Mother and child are both fine and healthy. But I still feel disconnected, like it isn't real or it's not happening to ME. Like I'm watching a show on tv and while I don't hate it, I'm really not interested and would rather change the channel. I was at the hospital when he was born, I've been to their house a few times, it's not like I'm avoiding anyone. I'm just not feeling it. The whole thing feels so foreign to me, I don't understand it.

It doesn't help that I think my SIL is pretty dumb, there's no other way to say it. I'm worried he can't or won't keep a job and take care of his responsibilities. He's had 4-5 different jobs in the last year. He's not an asshole or rude or abusive. He's naive at best and retarded at worst. I think he'll eventually give up and tell my daughter they need to move to where his parents live, which is about a 10 or so hour drive away. My wife would be horribly crushed, I hate to even think about it. She absolutely loves being a grandmother. I feel like I'm a piece of shit because I don't think I would be that upset. Children grow up and move away, that's what happens. My parents did it, I did it for a short time too. Who am I to demand that they stay here?

[closetohumping 17379]

Can anyone compare their experiences with Xanax and Lexi pro?

[nbmishoid 928]

3 hours ago, Sandman said:

My grandchild arrived about 10 days ago. Mother and child are both fine and healthy. But I still feel disconnected, like it isn't real or it's not happening to ME. Like I'm watching a show on tv and while I don't hate it, I'm really not interested and would rather change the channel. I was at the hospital when he was born, I've been to their house a few times, it's not like I'm avoiding anyone. I'm just not feeling it. The whole thing feels so foreign to me, I don't understand it.

It doesn't help that I think my SIL is pretty dumb, there's no other way to say it. I'm worried he can't or won't keep a job and take care of his responsibilities. He's had 4-5 different jobs in the last year. He's not an asshole or rude or abusive. He's naive at best and retarded at worst. I think he'll eventually give up and tell my daughter they need to move to where his parents live, which is about a 10 or so hour drive away. My wife would be horribly crushed, I hate to even think about it. She absolutely loves being a grandmother. I feel like I'm a piece of shit because I don't think I would be that upset. Children grow up and move away, that's what happens. My parents did it, I did it for a short time too. Who am I to demand that they stay here?

Sadly, no SIL or DIL is short of a mountain of imperfections.  I imagine what I must look like to them.  But all kinds of people find a way to make a partnership work.  

[Sandman 3401]

17 minutes ago, nbmishoid said:

Sadly, no SIL or DIL is short of a mountain of imperfections.  I imagine what I must look like to them.  But all kinds of people find a way to make a partnership work.  

I agree, I am certainly not without flaws. I told my wife I hope to see them at their 30th anniversary and laugh about how dumb I was for thinking they wouldn't last. Sadly, I don't see them together in 5 years. 

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

On 5/2/2023 at 2:07 PM, closetohumping said:

Can anyone compare their experiences with Xanax and Lexi pro?

I've not taken Xanax. I tried Zoloft 2 different times and it didn't work for me. I am taking Lexapro now and it has been helpful as a mood stabilizer and anxiety relief.

I suggest trying them and if they don't work try something else until you get it right. 

Also therapy has been great for me. If you need a recommendation I'd be happy to send you one.