Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[BearSchlong 8083]

Ok, I finally bit the bullet and got Biote hormone/testosterone pellets embedded in the fleshy part of my butt cheek this week. My levels had been dropping and were around 300 or so.

 

Holy shit it's been about 47 hours and I feel 20 years younger. Clearer thinking. No fatigue. I feel bold.

 

I'm sure now that I'm hooked it'll be about $2k a year for replacements and I'm sure I'll die of some kind of cancer but wow.

 

Reagan, what sealed the deal is that I discussed it with my 30 yr sober grand sponsor and he admitted he gets them too.

 

Prayer and meditation and being sober for 7 years helps tremendously for most of what ails me, but that doesn't effect hormone levels.

 

I'm hoping that once my shoulder heals - I'm 10 days postop rotator cuff surgery - I can start exercising again.

[bamachine 1230]

I have been a bit reticent to talk about this but here goes. Long story ahead.

I moved back in with my father(now 87) last year. I am on what I hope is temporary disability. Was suffering from bouts of vertigo(those have passed) and when they were running every test in the book to try and figure out the cause, they found I was low on testosterone. Not that it was causing the issue but they started me on testosterone injections, which led to me getting a DVT in my left leg. Now I have to elevate it above my heart to get the swelling out of my left lower leg/foot. 

I moved back in with him for two purposes, one my disability took over a year to process, so no income or insurance during that time. Secondly, he needed someone to drive him to Dr appts and such. He has congestive heart failure, his kidneys were failing(they just went kaput and he just started dialysis). I now have income and insurance through SSD(again, hopefully temporary, being stuck at home sucks ass). So I have setup physical therapy for my right shoulder(frozen shoulder) and joined the health club(with a pool) next door. I can do those while he is sitting in the dialysis chair. 

That is not what I need help with though, which is what brings me to this thread. At times during the past year, my father has went in to bouts of dementia, varying in intensity, from ones I can eventually bring him back out of to lucidity to ones where I had to get the ambulance out to subdue him and take him to the hospital. Each time he has been dehydrated. Whether that was the cause or just a coincidence, I am not 100% sure. He had the CHF and takes diuretics, which keeps him from getting fluid on his lungs but also killed his kidneys. When he goes into one of these states, he does nonsensical stuff, repetitively. Like he took a loaf of bread, broke each piece into very small pieces and then took a spoon to mix it up, over and over. Also the last major time, we found him in his bathroom, stark naked, shaving his face with an electric razor. He went about that for an hour, with me trying to get him out of there, finally had to get the ambulance to bring some ketamine to get him to the hospital. He was fine after they gave him IV fluids. He does not show all the signs of Alzheimer's, as he remembers everyone, he just gets stuck in a loop of repetitive nonsense.

Just wondering if anyone else here has had to deal with something similar, any tips or possible diagnoses?

Edited June 17, 2018 by bamachine

[MissingInAction 25013]

Got a lot of rest over the weekend and didn't drink myself into a coma for once. Have to say im feeling like a champ today. 

[NBMisha 224]

Well done, MIA.

[cactusflinthead 27598]

@bamachine. I got nothing. I was too young to be responsible for my great gran when she went round the bend. I'd monitor his water intake closely though. Have the docs given you any feedback about it?

[bamachine 1230]

They just want him to stick to 32 OZ of water per day, including liquid used to cook.

He was not dehydrated this last time but I think it may have been from the toxins in his blood, since his kidneys were failing. This last time was right after they started the dialysis and he came out of it after about 4 hours of me talking with him, having him sip a little water. That was the way it was before they started getting so bad. So maybe they cleaned some but not all of the toxins, like ammonia, from his blood. The previous two times it took ketamine to get him out of the house and about 24 hrs for him to become lucid again. I think he is/was suffering from delirium, the more I researched online and then spoke with a retired Dr who specialized in elder care. All of his symptoms during those times fit exactly with the description for delirium, rather than dementia(which includes Alzheimer's).

[cactusflinthead 27598]

The toxin theory sounds plausible. In any case kudos for being there. Sorry, I am not much count on this other than cheering you on. 

[cactusflinthead 27598]

On 6/15/2018 at 9:43 PM, XYZ said:

I’ve been like that for some time. People ask “how are you?” and I’m like “meh”, and then they go “why???”. That fucking irritates me, when someone asks how you are and you don’t give them the customary “great!” reply and they get bitchy about it. Like they don’t have any interest in hearing you complain about life, or maybe you are just not allowed to be bummed. They just wanted to do the courtesy thing and nothing more. Yeah, well, if you are not ready for the answer, maybe you shouldn’t ask the fucking question. I mean, for some of us, sometimes life is kind of a drag, so-rreee.

I think it's an American thing. We expect you to be a shiny, happy person all the time. That isn't realistic. 

I agree that it is often a go to small talk question to ask how you are. It becomes painfully obvious when that's the case. Some will genuinely be interested in your well being and let you growl. I kinda like giving the honest answer sometimes. If it is a shitty day that might be what I say. If you don't want to know, then don't ask. Sometimes it's 'tolerable'. They aren't quite sure how to reply. 

It has been known to provoke them in to pestering me until I open up, but that's only the brave.

[XYZ 2154]

bamachine:

My father died a week ago. He had a tumor (benign supposedly, but doesn’t matter) toward the front of his brain. The tumor was “pushing” against the frontal lobe, which is where all the higher thinking happens. I recently listened to a Radiolab podcast about Ravel and some scientist woman, who both had a degenerative desease where basically the frontal lobe slowly got destroyed. Anyway, as the frontal lobe loses function, other parts of the brain that are normally kept more subdued become more active. So one of the symptoms is that they start doing repetitive things. Anyway, I watched my dad do things like screw and unscrew the cap of a coke bottle over and over.  My dad also became dehydrated at the end. Anyway, I don’t know where I’m going with this. Hang in there. 

[cactusflinthead 27598]

Sorry to hear that about your dad. Ramble on if you want. 

I don't know what I am going to do when mine goes. He's a mess, but he's my dad.

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

Saw an interesting article the other day about sleep aids. Turns out melatonin supplements have no statistically significant impact on most folk; the chief exception seems to be people with ADHD or anxiety (of course, those are the people who most need it, as luck would have it), but that the precursor, L-tryptophan, works like a charm on practically everybody.  Kind of makes sense, I suppose, as anything that metabolizes naturally in your body ought to be preferable to stuff you add willy-nilly.

Anyway, I gave it a shot a couple of nights ago, and sure enough, I slept like a baby. Anecdotal, but it is confirmation, of sorts.

[BearSchlong 8083]

Melatonin gives me a hangover. But Valerian Root does the trick nicely plus it causes vivid dreams.

[SDG 3319]

I use melatonin most work nights and it seems to work fine for me. I have no ill effects from it, but the  L-tryptophan thing seems interesting.  Any more details?  

Edit: I was diagnosed with ADHD but opted out of medication. 

[troph 24781]

Melatonin gives me a hangover. But Valerian Root does the trick nicely plus it causes vivid dreams.

I get the groggs from melatonin too.

[Reagan1k 3024]

Works for me pretty well. Not groggy. 

[bluto 4912]

melatonin and benadryl both cause me issues falling asleep the night after I took them, like a withdrawal

[XYZ 2154]

12 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

Saw an interesting article the other day about sleep aids. Turns out melatonin supplements have no statistically significant impact on most folk; the chief exception seems to be people with ADHD or anxiety (of course, those are the people who most need it, as luck would have it), but that the precursor, L-tryptophan, works like a charm on practically everybody.  Kind of makes sense, I suppose, as anything that metabolizes naturally in your body ought to be preferable to stuff you add willy-nilly.

Anyway, I gave it a shot a couple of nights ago, and sure enough, I slept like a baby. Anecdotal, but it is confirmation, of sorts.

You gave what a shot?

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

9 hours ago, XYZ said:

You gave what a shot?

L-tryptophan.

[XYZ 2154]

19 minutes ago, Walden Ponderer said:

L-tryptophan.

Is it prescription? How much did you take, and when?

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

1 hour ago, XYZ said:

Is it prescription? How much did you take, and when?

Over the counter. I don't remember the dosage, but it's a serving of two pills. 10 minutes before bedtime.

[troph 24781]

Those days when everything feels like it’s held together by chicken wire, duct tape and the luck you expect to run out of at any moment? Ugh.

 

Breathe, tell myself if these feelings are valid and if they prove to be true we will do something about it. Keeps the anxiety at bay on a moment by moment basis. Like always I expect life to be good in a few days but in the middle of these “the sky is falling” episodes it doesn’t feel like it.

 

 

Just parking it here to validate and move through out.

[Tall Dark And Texan 29]

I didn't get the promotion that I spent four years of honest backbreaking work trying to earn. That means I'm 0-8 on job interviews this year turning into job offers. I took this one the hardest, and that took me into another breakdown. Going to work and seeing who got promoted over me everyday is brutal, and threw my self-esteem and self-worth off a cliff. I realized that I couldn't fight this thing with medication alone (even with my doseage recently doubled), so I swallowed what was left of my pride and hired a therapist. Then my manager presented me with some FMLA paperwork. I turned it into my doctor's office last week; I meet with my doctor on Thursday, and my therapist on Friday. Hopefully they grant me some more time off work. I've read some good things about DBT classes. Until then, I'm working on my resume, looking for a new job, watching the World Cup, and trying to convince everyone around me that I'm not suicidal at the moment (there was a stretch where I was, again, and all the important people know that, but they also know I'm trying to get better). I'm off work this week, and that was long overdue. The one thing I've heard frequently is that we are so much more than our jobs, but I find it difficult to accept that when I put everything I had into this job for four years and it got me nowhere.

I've also noticed I haven't been eating much lately. Maybe that's because that's the one thing I can still control. I will say, the depression diet works. Take the good wherever you can get it.

I've also made an honest effort to stop saying negative things about myself out loud. Hopefully that'll lead to me no longer thinking those things about myself.

Stay strong, everyone.

[cactusflinthead 27598]

Keep fishing. Someone will bite on the resume. 99 casts of reeling in nothing is no reason to quit. 

Good to hear on the therapist. Lay down the shield and let them in behind defense. Don't worry if it doesn't happen on the first visit. We're kinda used to hiding and it is what we know. Takes a lot of guts to tear down the walls

[Tall Dark And Texan 29]

14 hours ago, cactusflinthead said:

Keep fishing. Someone will bite on the resume. 99 casts of reeling in nothing is no reason to quit. 

Good to hear on the therapist. Lay down the shield and let them in behind defense. Don't worry if it doesn't happen on the first visit. We're kinda used to hiding and it is what we know. Takes a lot of guts to tear down the walls

I like the fishing analogy. And my therapist broke through with minimal effort; I've cried plenty in both visits I've had so far. The first visit was about an hour after I got the news I was passed up for the promotion.

[Reagan1k 3024]

Was listening to a recovery speaker tape and he told the fable of the Chinese Farmer- http://bromleymindfulness.org.uk/the-parable-of-the-chinese-farmer/

every time I’m faced with what I view as as setback or problem/defeat I try and remember this story.  Bad news-  maybe it is and maybe it isn’t -  that’s not for me to decide. 

Another speaker I really relate to is Sandy B. (Sandy Beach from AA circles). He talks about changing our mindset from viewing events or circumstances as problems and instead view as and call them situations -  takes some of the power out of it and recasts the issue.  

Takes some practice and some prayer or meditation, but that can really help.

TD-Texan-  what you have going on may or may not be a real setback it’s just a situation - keep fishing (as said above) and the right opportunity will present itself at the right time. 

What you are doing in therapy is great and it will help.  Keep doing the next right thing and take care of yourself mentally and physically.  The right thing is out there for the seeker. Godspeed! 

 

[Tall Dark And Texan 29]

That parable was heavy, thank you for sharing it with me. That one will stay in my head for a while.

Also, tomorrow marks 34 weeks sober for me! Taking the good wherever I can find it.

[Reagan1k 3024]

You bet-  congrats on the sobriety-  good things will be coming- 

[BearSchlong 8083]

What a day to be safe sober and being restored to sanity!

I was in need of inspiration last week and binge listened to a few of Sandy Beach's AA talks. He really had a gift for helping one rearrange their perspectives and expectations. I wish I'd gotten to meet him before he passed.

[Reagan1k 3024]

My wife is normal (drives me nuts how much good alcohol she wastes not finishing drinks) and she thinks Sandy’s talks are amazing for anyone who struggles with perception issues and dealing with adversity or depressive thinking. Highly recommended to those who need help reframing their view of life’s ups and downs.

 

[ROFL BOX 6647]

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/07/10/627519801/behind-bars-mentally-ill-inmates-are-often-punished-for-their-symptoms

 

The way mental illness is handled in the US is a disgrace.

[dark54555 72]

On 5/16/2018 at 2:50 PM, dad said:

I'm sure no one remembers but I had a scare with my heart after some chest pain and fainting back in March. Had it fully checked out and the doctors say my heart is in good condition but the whole ordeal gave me anxiety symptoms. I felt this anxiety from March till mid April and then it went away for about three weeks but now for the past 3 weeks it has come back. The doc originally gave me some Klonopin to take on an as needed basis which I did take on a few occasions but I am/was hesitant to do this unless it was a severe anxiety attack because I don't want to become dependent on them. I finally went back to the doc a few weeks ago and to tell him how the specialists checks went and to see what he thought I should do about the anxiety. He prescribed Zoloft so I've been taking 50 mg (1/2 pill) everyday for the past two weeks. I do feel like it gives me a "boost" for a few hours after taking it but it doesn't prevent the symptoms from coming on later in the day. Hell just this weekend I took the half of a pill around noon and while I was at Pluckers at around 3 PM for lunch I had a full blown anxiety attack. 

My question to you guys is how many people here have experience with SSRI's and how long it takes for them to really take effect? Do they make you feel "normal" the entire day? Any stories of stopping them after extended use and any withdrawal symptoms? Any issues with being on SSRI's and performing intense cardio? I played basketball a few times after I started taking Zoloft and I feel like I get a little dizzy when I'm done playing. 

Another question is do you guys think that speaking to a therapist would help? I feel like I know nothing very stressful is going on around me so if I know that it's happening for no good reason now than how can someone "talk me out" of these weird physical symptoms? I could be at home watching movies all weekend and feel the anxiety related symptoms with nothing triggering it so how can I talk that away? 

Yes, a therapist would help.

Finding the right SSRI/SNRI can be a chore.  I know this post was a month ago, but if you don't like where you are with Zoloft, try something else.  You can also do a test like Genesight (https://genesight.com/) that could help figure out where to go next.  

[ImGolfn 77]

The last 24 hours may have been my most challenging yet.  Ive mentioned her oldest  (21) before in this thread.   Very unstable.  Yesterday wife tried to wake him up to go to work at 4p, had to be there at 6.  Wouldnt get up.  We had plans out last night and went ahead with them.  He woke shortly after 6 called screaming about why someone didnt wake him.  He then proceeded to hit, punch and kick his girlfriend who also lives with us in the head saying it was her fault.

Her 16 year old got him off of her and got her out of the house and called us to tell us what happened.   We immediately left our plans and raced home.  After arriving home wife found the oldest and told him he wasnt staying home last night that he needed to find somewhere else.   

About 10p he came back went upstairs and physically again tried to remove his girlfriend from their room.  Wife and i went upstairs and told him he was leaving, he refused to move, so then i had to try to move him.  He squared up to me and i told him he didnt want to do that.  It was then he grabbed a 5 inch knife and swung it at me and threatened to stab me.  I had no choice but to call 911.  Cops took 30 mins to get to the house, he called repeatedly on the phone asking if they were looking for him.  And he deliberately cut himself on the arm with the knife.  In the end i filed charges against him.  I f'ing hate that but i have a duty to protect my wife and the 16 yr old twins.

Apparently after i left for work he snuck back into the house and we just told him its mental hospital or jail.  More screaming before supposedly agreeing to go to the ward.  Wife goes to take him and he's run off again.  

I feel responsible.  I hate it.

[troph 24781]

Man you are not responsible. Standing up for yourself and protecting your loved ones is honorable and the outcome is a natural consequence for him. He assaulted another person and himself and now he has the fallout to deal with. Just not your fault not at all.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Very difficult scene, Golfn.

 

Good luck with it all.

[cactusflinthead 27598]

It had to be done. It sucks that you had to be the one to do it.

[ImGolfn 77]

She got him and took him to a mental facility in Bryan.  How long he's there who knows since he's there "voluntarily"

I have obviously my own mental illness struggles which are well defined here and on the old site.  But i am very much struggling with "welcome home" after hes released.  

Wife isnt going to put him out, he has no job, no money, cant yet afford his own place.  His father is already a long time resident in Rusk and was denied parole again so be at least a couple more years before hes out. So while i understand her thinking and feelings how do i express mine once he gets out?

[troph 24781]

Y’all need a family therapist. You both need to be able to talk freely. You’re views are totally ok. And you have a right to have a peaceful home.

[Tall Dark And Texan 29]

Heartbroken over your story, Golfn. Wish I had something to say other than we're thinking about you, and hoping for the best for you.

[XYZ 2154]

ImGolfn:

I’m kind of at a loss for words on your situation. I agree with troph’s comment regarding a right to a peaceful home, and I can totally see what you are trying to say with the “welcome home” comment. There is a family member that at times has caused me grief and I ended up in a dark place, wishing to not have to deal with this person. I wonder how often parents end up in toxic situations with children or stepchildren and just want to escape. I know I’ve been there.

[relapse98 634]

I've been seeing my therapist for about 5 weeks. Talk about emotionally draining. The diving into various issues.. my adoption and finding my grandma and parts of my dad's side of me, apparently a lot of my perfectionism/pleasing others/ocd is from my adoptive mother and her control over me as a kid. I mean, I can see where the therapist is coming from, but each week is just an emotionally beating and I leave feeling somewhat drained from it.  And then the questions like "Treat emotions like they are a person sitting by you, how would you treat them", there's a whole lot of 'can you try and explain what you are trying to get me to say' from some of those questions. I'm getting good progress, I enjoy going, but I'm not a huge fan of feeling like each time I go is some big miracle because it feels like I don't like it all that much (and the therapist and I have both commented on that).

 

(And - I'm not sure its a good or bad thing that she's smoking hot. It sure as hell keeps me going, its almost like a smart prostitute that I can vent to without the sexual component. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy but then again.. I'm at a therapist for a reason).

[BearSchlong 8083]

I should change my name to nevermarryatherapist. I earned it.

Good stuff, perfectionism is my main character defect/obsession.

Today I was driving down the highway meditating and thought "if I can find a way to simply ignore chaos I'd be so much happier."

[troph 24781]

I've been seeing my therapist for about 5 weeks. Talk about emotionally draining. The diving into various issues.. my adoption and finding my grandma and parts of my dad's side of me, apparently a lot of my perfectionism/pleasing others/ocd is from my adoptive mother and her control over me as a kid. I mean, I can see where the therapist is coming from, but each week is just an emotionally beating and I leave feeling somewhat drained from it.  And then the questions like "Treat emotions like they are a person sitting by you, how would you treat them", there's a whole lot of 'can you try and explain what you are trying to get me to say' from some of those questions. I'm getting good progress, I enjoy going, but I'm not a huge fan of feeling like each time I go is some big miracle because it feels like I don't like it all that much (and the therapist and I have both commented on that).
 
(And - I'm not sure its a good or bad thing that she's smoking hot. It sure as hell keeps me going, its almost like a smart prostitute that I can vent to without the sexual component. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy but then again.. I'm at a therapist for a reason).

Care to pass her name along? I’m half serious.

[Sandman 3403]

Here's a surprisingly great update: I have had issues with my job for years, specifically that my pay is too low. I argued with more than one supervisor (not in a rude way) but never got anywhere. I work for the state and getting a raise is near impossible. After going to therapy for my anger issues (and talking with you fine fuckers), I realized it's all just bullshit and I need to quit wasting my time dwelling on it. I can't control that, I can only control my own feelings. So I moved on, let go of the frustration and just did my job. I even started to like it. Well, today I got called into the office. Our office did a market adjustment, in comparison to the private sector, and I got a fat bump (not near Surly 1% but good for a state flunky). More than I could've ever thought was possible. I almost cried when my boss told me that I earned it, due to my performance. Fucking A. 

[troph 24781]

That’s awesome. Congrats man!!

[Lidig8r 1870]

On 7/10/2018 at 11:36 PM, ROFL BOX said:

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/07/10/627519801/behind-bars-mentally-ill-inmates-are-often-punished-for-their-symptoms

 

The way mental illness is handled in the US is a disgrace.

Truer words were never spoken. And it may have reached its tipping point similar to what happened to the subprime mortgage industry in 2017.  Here are two articles I wrote on it (caution to theTL/DR crowd... don't waste your time:

http://dadsjourneywithed.blogspot.com/2018/07/the-mental-health-parity-act-crisis-of.html

http://dadsjourneywithed.blogspot.com/2018/07/the-mental-health-parity-act-crisis-of_16.html

I am going to DC at the end of August to meet with an executive director of the largest eating disorder organization in the US, a couple of lobbyists, a private equity person, a few more foundation owners and supposedly a Congressman.  Something has to be done about the shit show going on and if I can move the ball further down the field, how much would I suck if I didn't embrace that opportunity. My daughter, who is undoubtedly raising all sorts of hell with God in heaven right now, would come back down here and kick my ass if this opportunity was not pursued.

[ImGolfn 77]

Tomorrow makes 2 years exactly since my daughters suicide.   She was 14, would be 16 now.  Cheerleader, golfer, track star.  Tonight i am hanging by the thinnest of threads.  No focus, no balance, no direction.  The only thing keeping me here are promises made to her because i have right now zero desire to be here for myself.   I feel like quitting, cashing my own chips in.  So in turn that makes me feel weak.  Im tired.  I feel like i dont belong.  Here or anywhere.  Im tired of adulting.  Tired of feeling like im being judged every single day.  I want to just stop feeling.  Tonight im scared. 

[Patricio Swayze 17058]

Tomorrow makes 2 years exactly since my daughters suicide.   She was 14, would be 16 now.  Cheerleader, golfer, track star.  Tonight i am hanging by the thinnest of threads.  No focus, no balance, no direction.  The only thing keeping me here are promises made to her because i have right now zero desire to be here for myself.   I feel like quitting, cashing my own chips in.  So in turn that makes me feel weak.  Im tired.  I feel like i dont belong.  Here or anywhere.  Im tired of adulting.  Tired of feeling like im being judged every single day.  I want to just stop feeling.  Tonight im scared. 

That is awful man. My heart goes out to you. There is nothing wrong at all with feeling awful right now. But reach out to anyone in anyway you can if you feel the burden is too much.

[cactusflinthead 27598]

11 hours ago, ImGolfn said:

Tomorrow makes 2 years exactly since my daughters suicide.   She was 14, would be 16 now.  Cheerleader, golfer, track star.  Tonight i am hanging by the thinnest of threads.  No focus, no balance, no direction.  The only thing keeping me here are promises made to her because i have right now zero desire to be here for myself.   I feel like quitting, cashing my own chips in.  So in turn that makes me feel weak.  Im tired.  I feel like i dont belong.  Here or anywhere.  Im tired of adulting.  Tired of feeling like im being judged every single day.  I want to just stop feeling.  Tonight im scared. 

I would appreciate it if you would check in today. 

 

[troph 24781]

Make that two of us, scratch that, make that all of us...

 

[Lidig8r 1870]

14 hours ago, ImGolfn said:

Tomorrow makes 2 years exactly since my daughters suicide.   She was 14, would be 16 now.  Cheerleader, golfer, track star.  Tonight i am hanging by the thinnest of threads.  No focus, no balance, no direction.  The only thing keeping me here are promises made to her because i have right now zero desire to be here for myself.   I feel like quitting, cashing my own chips in.  So in turn that makes me feel weak.  Im tired.  I feel like i dont belong.  Here or anywhere.  Im tired of adulting.  Tired of feeling like im being judged every single day.  I want to just stop feeling.  Tonight im scared. 

Stay strong my friend. The world is a more interesting place with you in it ... fighting, scratching. We don't know how we are called, or the direction our soul will take us. But, perhaps we need you here to continue to get out the message. And if even one person decides to continue to fight, to continue to live because they see that you are still here fighting your pain and grief... then, perhaps that is just a start. Thoughts are with you.