Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[XYZ 2154]

I lost my job twice, both times due to bankruptcy. You can keep buying health insurance because of COBRA, although ACA might be a lot cheaper. Also you can start collecting unemployment insurance payments. It ain’t much, though.

Use this as an opportunity to deal with uncertainty. Our precious little egos demand that everything be nice and orderly and no scary monsters under the bed.

Hope you find another job soon.

[Reagan1k 3022]

hookem - Stuff like that is a big bump in the road and you wouldn't be human if you didn't have all those emotions.

The important thing is that it does not define who you are.  You are the same husband and dad that you were before.  Circumstances may have changed but YOU and your core being have not.

Couple of things that have helped me when I've had to deal with life's upheavals. 

It's been said that we can't just think our way into right acting or general happiness - we must act our way into right thinking and peace will follow.

That's true for a lot of things - you probably aren't going to be able to rationalize this etc. and feel better about it just by thinking / processing. 

It takes action to move through/past something like this.  The old cliche' is to get up, suit up and show up - even if it takes every ounce of strength to pull it off.  Don't wait until you feel better to take action towards a new gig - Take action and you will feel better and generate hope.

Finally - I've posted this before but it is one of my favorite stories and might ring true for you right now.  It's the parable of the Chinese farmer.  This job loss might be a setback, or it might just be the greatest thing that's ever happened to you - 

Quote

Once there was a Chinese farmer who worked his poor farm together with his son and their horse. When the horse ran off one day, neighbors came to say, “How unfortunate for you!” The farmer replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”

When the horse returned, followed by a herd of wild horses, the neighbors gathered around and exclaimed, “What good luck for you!” The farmer stayed calm and replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”

While trying to tame one of wild horses, the farmer’s son fell, and broke his leg. He had to rest up and couldn’t help with the farm chores. “How sad for you,” the neighbors cried. “Maybe yes, maybe no,” said the farmer.

Shortly thereafter, a neighboring army threatened the farmer’s village. All the young men in the village were drafted to fight the invaders. Many died. But the farmer’s son had been left out of the fighting because of his broken leg. People said to the farmer, “What a good thing your son couldn’t fight!” “Maybe yes, maybe no,” was all the farmer said.

 

Edited November 28, 2018 by Reagan1k

[cactusflinthead 27597]

Damn right. All of it. 

[TwiceHorn 31416]

Been kind of taking a break from Surl, but remembered I needed to come here to see if I could be of service to others.

Reagan1k just killing it in here lately.  BearSchlong too.  And troph.

What they said!

[hookemATL 11675]

Thank you all for the words and advice. One positive aspect of this is that I have accumulated lots and lots of contacts that will help me remain upbeat as I can about all this. 

I have diagnosed depression so I am doing my best to work through this without sinking into that hole of despair and doubt. 

[Kennythetiger 9372]

On 11/10/2018 at 10:50 PM, troph said:

Absolutely yes. I do well (or used to I’m still waiting to see post divorce) during the holidays and the novelty of fires, scotch, chili and the like. But January and February with the lack of sunlight bring hard core SAD. It’s real, and nothing to take lightly. Speaking of, I need to get the UV lights for SAD therapy. Supposedly they work. Take care of yourself, it’s a real thing.

Troph (or anyone else), did you ever get one of these?  

Looked on Amazon and there's a $500 version and a $50 version.  Does anyone have a model that they like?

[troph 24772]

I haven’t yet. That bout of rain in September and October was the near death of me I’m doing ok now. Need to get one though, Jan and feb are rough. I probably won’t get one until then. No way I’m springing for a $500 one first though.

[XYZ 2154]

22 hours ago, troph said:

I haven’t yet. That bout of rain in September and October was the near death of me I’m doing ok now. Need to get one though, Jan and feb are rough. I probably won’t get one until then. No way I’m springing for a $500 one first though.

Do you live up north?

[troph 24772]

Do you live up north?

No I’m out in the lake Travis area, just highly sensitive across the board including to amounts of sun light. Texas summers for sunlight are perfect for me.

[XYZ 2154]

Hmm, I was just reading an article about “light boxes” for SAD by the Mayo Clinic. It says that they should emit as little UV light as possible. I guess that shows how uninformed I was. 

[Reagan1k 3022]

If I understand the concerns right, the trade off is getting the light without a higher risk of skin damage/cancer. 

Thats why they don’t recommend tanning beds If I recall, but I know several people who hit a 5-10 minute tanning session in dark months and it’s not for tan. 

[XYZ 2154]

Yesterday I bought one of them light boxes for my kid who moved to Montreal last August and now claims to be suffering mild SAD.

[Kyle 207]

On 11/28/2018 at 7:57 AM, hookemATL said:

I was just laid off from a job I really enjoyed, for seemingly no good reason.  I’ve never been fired before so this is all a big shock for me. 

My anxiety (which already runs at a steady 4 out of 10 on a good day) is now ramped up to a degree to where I can’t sleep and I feel like questioning my self worth at every turn. 

I have a family to take care of (wife and 3.5 yo daughter) and after my severance is done I will not have insurance nor a reliable and decently well paying gig. 

Sure doesn’t help that is the holiday season and we had just scheduled our first vacations since forever. I’m very down right now and not seeing a whole lot of reasons to pick my head up. I’m a prideful and hard working SOB so this shit hurts as I feel severely diminished as a father and provider. Everyone says it’s going to be ok but it’s hard to take that to heart in the moment. 

Thank you all for everything in advance. This thread is amazing and you people do such good things in here. 

I'm in a similar situation with similar emotions. Several times during the past few weeks I felt like I may have a heart attack ... and for the first time in my life I actually thought that might not be so bad.

[XYZ 2154]

Hope you find work soon. Don’t let the desperation take over. Every storm passes.

[MissingInAction 24979]

Anyone else just have days or weeks where you despise every single human you have to engage? There's an office pot luck today, and the thought of going to it makes me want to crawl into a ball and scream.

[XYZ 2154]

1 hour ago, MissingInAction said:

Anyone else just have days or weeks where you despise every single human you have to engage? There's an office pot luck today, and the thought of going to it makes me want to crawl into a ball and scream.

Yes. Just want to be left the fuck alone.

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

This has been an emotionally complicated last 12 months. Started as a suicidal wreck with a strong desire to crawl back into a bottle of anything distilled, and is ending on an emotional high the likes of which has me continually monitoring to make sure I'm not actually manic.

Nope. Still just 'Happy'. Thank fucking God.

What I wasn't prepared for, though, was the idea that once all my ducks were in a row professionally and emotionally, and we got the house on the market and are getting ready to move to our dream home in the wilderness, was the idea that my wife would then freak out over leaving the little plot of land that we'd nursed into tolerability over the last 12 years. It's only a half an acre, and it's in the middle of College fucking Station, but she thinks of it as symbolic of our relationship, and the fact that I want to leave it so badly has made her feel like I was wanting to leave her. Which has made for some pretty weird conversations.

I feel pretty good about where we are on that front, now, but the last week or so has been an emotional rollercoaster.

It's the prettiest damned thing I've ever seen in the yard, though:

[PhillyD 1257]

I know this isn't the thread for it, but you didn't want to use the Hamm team?

[troph 24772]

So I’m reading this book called Tell Me More by Kelly Corrigan - it’s a chick book that would likely bore you all but damn she waxes poetically and philosophically about life through her stories. The premise is “stories about the 12 hardest things in learning to say.”

 

The stories are all chick and all awesome but her bring it home conclusions are not all chick they are just BOOM M’FER points and they slay me. Here are two from today’s reading about what saying “I love you” means:

 

 

 

I put this here because for today and for whatever reason I’m finding great comfort in being known by another person and still being loved. May we be known and may we know someone else and find comfort in that place - even with - or better yet - because of our oddities.

 

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

On 1/12/2019 at 9:00 AM, troph said:

I put this here because for today and for whatever reason I’m finding great comfort in being known by another person and still being loved. May we be known and may we know someone else and find comfort in that place - even with - or better yet - because of our oddities.

We were laughing about something related to this just last night. Been together 27 years now, in spite of nobody thinking we'd last 27 months. Maybe not even 27 days. Hell, her parents wore black to our wedding.

Anyway, there's not another living soul either of us has encountered who could put up with us, but we're still happy as clams together. And we all know how happy clams are. 

[AnotherUTFan 9721]

My ex-wife finally killed herself on New Years Day. Shot herself in the head with the police knocking on her door. Help was leterally right there.

I was with her about 15 years all together. When we dated she had me promise that I'd never have her committed. Odd request, but sure. In those says she had a temper that should have sent me running, but she was also sweet, funny, and generally good to me. That was at a point in my life where I was getting pretty heavy into some nasty drugs and I have to say she probably saved my life at that point. I cleaned up, when back to school and married her. We were both 21.

The real depression, the severe kind, didn't start until our 2nd daughter came. She would tell me what she was going through but I didn't really understand it; I dont think we talked about this kinda stuff as a society in those days. She always wanted to be alone and would lock herself in her room and just read. I'd be left to care for the kids. In fact, anytime I left the house to do anything she always wanted me to take the kids. I always did. I'm super close with them to this day, they are grown women with careers and families of their own now, and I credit all the time I spent with them as children as the reason why we are still so close.

I wanna add here that she absolute loved the kids. They were probably the only thing that kept her going. She would spoil them silly despite my objections. She just didn't always have it in her to actually deal with them; cook dinner, do homework, bath them, etc. She did when she could, but often she couldnt.

Finally she was diagnosed and we went through the mill of finding the right meds at the right doses, etc. Things would get OK for A few months, then they'd get bad again. Sometime around tjen she added alchohol to the locked up in her room time. Cheap vodka and cranberry juice. From there through the rest of her life she would be a severe alcoholic, and a mean drunk.

A few years later her doctor wanted her to give through electro-shock therapy. I didn't like the idea, but she was convinced it was the only thing that would help her. I dont know how many sessions we did. Maybe 4 or 8 over a couple months. I think they helped temporarily, but they wiped so many memories from her mind. It was sad. I met a lot of other people living on my side of depression in that waiting room, people with really sad stories. I've always regretted that I didn't talk her out of doing that.

For years she would threaten to leave me, and take the kids. It was my biggest fear. She used the girls like a weapon against me their whole lives. By the time the youngest was a pre-teen she was as bad as she'd ever been, but by now blaming me for all her issues. One night I came home from dinner with my cousin to find all my belongings on the porch. She was convinced i was cheating on her. I never cheated on her. This time when she threatened to leave I called her bluff and said go. That led to our divorce. I didn't fight for full custody of the kids as I knew that would kill her. At that point they were self sufficient enough I figured.

After the divorce and up until the last couple years she was as a complete total bitch to me. She wouldn't do anything shen wasnt required to in the divorce decree. If it was my weekend with the kids I'd better come get them because the decree didn't say she had to drive them anywhere to see me. She called the management at my employer and tried to get me and my whole group fired once for spite, knowing full well I wouldn't be able to pay her child support if I was unemployed. She tried several times to sabotage my relationship when I remarried a few years later.

By the time the youngest was in college she had lost all of her leverage. The girls were grown, she had stopped talking to her father because he brought up her drinking problem. She had alienated herself from her siblings. Her mother, who she had an on again off again relationship with, died. Even some guy that rented her spare bedroom and was a good friend, I never met him but the girls liked him, left because of the drinking.

By this point she was pretty isolated I think. She did manage to hold onto the same job doing web development for the last 10 years of her life. The girls started bringing her to my parents house for holiday events. I was kinda against it, but they said they couldn't leave her all alone on Christmas and the only other alternative was for the 2 of them to sit there with her all day. So I went with it, and tried to be polite when she was here. In fact, I kinda felt sorry for her. Half my family can't tolerate her knowing the shit she pulled over the years, but she'd rather spend Christmas with a bunch of people who couldnt stand her than be by herself. In retrospect, I'm very grateful for the people in my family, my mother included, who were big enough to overlook the past and try to make her feel welcomed.

The last couple years she tried to be nicer. Even offered to split the cost of something with me last year. 2 days before she killed herself she was at my Moms house for a party. My second wife, who I'm also now divorced from but managed a good friendship with, was also there. I look up at one point and they were sitting at the same table talking. It was surreal, I even texted a about it to a few friends. "I'm sitting here in my Momma's house looking at both my ex-wives talking to each other." That was Sunday the 30th. I thought I was in bizarro world

Half time of the Sugar Bowl I get a call from my Son in Law, I thought he was calling about the game. "Debbie has killed herself. I just left the scene. The girls dont know yet." So I let him go home to tell my oldest and I had to call the youngest. That was a hard call to make. I'll never forget hearing her yell and cry into the phone.

God they miss their Mom. All the terrible things she did, and they were not immune to the terrible things - in fact they probably suffered the worst of it, they always loved their her and new the good side of her better than anybody. The sweet side, the thoughtful side, the funny side. Its weird because though they miss her and always will, they are both relieved that she finally is at peace.

People tell me they are sorry for what happened, and I always say to be sorry for the girls - she was a total bitch to me. Honestly though, as the days go by I remember the good things about our life together and it makes me sad. Sad that she suffered with all that for so long. Sad that she finally lost the struggle.

Both the girls have told me that they always knew this day would come. I didn't know it, but my Son in Law said they had sent the police on welfare checks several times before. The officer had told him on the phone they were going to take her in this time for a psychological evaluation so that they would have grounds to take her gun away; despite the long battle with mental health issues, they couldnt take her gun since all her treatments had been voluntary. My youngest daughter told me of an event a year ago where she literally had to wrestle the pistol away from her mother.

So I keep asking myself what was going through her head when she finally pulled the trigger. The girls showed me all her text from her last day or so and she seemed to be doing good. Making New Years resolutions, asking about shopping, movies she's watching, etc. Its about an hour or two before she went that it gets kinda odd. "I love you both." "I know you've both done your best". It was a voicemail she left my SiL asking him to send the police to her house in the morning and not to let the girls into her house for any reason that led him to call the cops and head to her house that night. I just keep wondering if somehow she knew they were going to commit her that night, her biggest fear since I knew her, that caused her to finally do it.

The hardest part is the finality of it. If she could have got through the night everything would be fine in the morning, it always was. She literally had help knocking on her door. The police heard the shot, then stormed in through the back door but it was too late.

This is selfish, but I suddenly feel a lot of pressure as the girls only living parent. It's hard to explain that feeling, but it's pretty heavy.

The outpouring of love and support for the girls was touching. For a woman who had alienated herself from everybody, she sure packed the memorial service. I knew everybody was there for the girls sake and it was a nice service. Her Dad and siblings made it, people she hadn't spoken to for years. One silver lining is that the girls told me they have been communicating with the grandfather they never really knew and learning a lot. They learned, I didn't know this, that her grandfather and a uncle had also killed themselves, so she's the 3rd. So maybe he'll get a chance to know the great-grandchild I doubt he even knew existed. I introduced her to him at the service, he was always nice to me so many years ago.

I hope it was ok to post this tragedy in this thread. I wanted to share it, if only for my own sake, and didn't want to start a new thread. This one seemed like the best fit.

I'll add, about 9 months ago I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. Enough so that the Dr put me on an anti-depressant of my own. Even after going through all those years with my ex, I had no idea just how debilitating it could be. I get a strong sense of crippling fear of impending doom even as I tell myself everything is great; in fact I'm one of the luckiest guys alive. My jobs going well, I have good friends, both my kids are kicking life's ass, I have a little savings in the bank, etc. So why do I feel like I'm about to drop all the tennis balls and be homeless in the street tomorrow?

Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with everybody and your struggles. Please hang in there. It will be better tomorrow.

[TwiceHorn 31416]

That is rough. Condolences. 

[cactusflinthead 27597]

@AnotherUTFan

hope it was ok to post this tragedy in this thread. I wanted to share it, if only for my own sake, and didn't want to start a new thread. This one seemed like the best fit.

Brother man that is why this thread exists. 

That took an enormous amount of guts. 

Edited January 13, 2019 by cactusflinthead

[XYZ 2154]

1 hour ago, AnotherUTFan said:

My ex-wife finally killed herself on New Years Day. Shot herself in the head with the police knocking on her door. Help was leterally right there.

I was with her about 15 years all together. When we dated she had me promise that I'd never have her committed. Odd request, but sure. In those says she had a temper that should have sent me running, but she was also sweet, funny, and generally good to me. That was at a point in my life where I was getting pretty heavy into some nasty drugs and I have to say she probably saved my life at that point. I cleaned up, when back to school and married her. We were both 21.

The real depression, the severe kind, didn't start until our 2nd daughter came. She would tell me what she was going through but I didn't really understand it; I dont think we talked about this kinda stuff as a society in those days. She always wanted to be alone and would lock herself in her room and just read. I'd be left to care for the kids. In fact, anytime I left the house to do anything she always wanted me to take the kids. I always did. I'm super close with them to this day, they are grown women with careers and families of their own now, and I credit all the time I spent with them as children as the reason why we are still so close.

I wanna add here that she absolute loved the kids. They were probably the only thing that kept her going. She would spoil them silly despite my objections. She just didn't always have it in her to actually deal with them; cook dinner, do homework, bath them, etc. She did when she could, but often she couldnt.

Finally she was diagnosed and we went through the mill of finding the right meds at the right doses, etc. Things would get OK for A few months, then they'd get bad again. Sometime around tjen she added alchohol to the locked up in her room time. Cheap vodka and cranberry juice. From there through the rest of her life she would be a severe alcoholic, and a mean drunk.

A few years later her doctor wanted her to give through electro-shock therapy. I didn't like the idea, but she was convinced it was the only thing that would help her. I dont know how many sessions we did. Maybe 4 or 8 over a couple months. I think they helped temporarily, but they wiped so many memories from her mind. It was sad. I met a lot of other people living on my side of depression in that waiting room, people with really sad stories. I've always regretted that I didn't talk her out of doing that.

For years she would threaten to leave me, and take the kids. It was my biggest fear. She used the girls like a weapon against me their whole lives. By the time the youngest was a pre-teen she was as bad as she'd ever been, but by now blaming me for all her issues. One night I came home from dinner with my cousin to find all my belongings on the porch. She was convinced i was cheating on her. I never cheated on her. This time when she threatened to leave I called her bluff and said go. That led to our divorce. I didn't fight for full custody of the kids as I knew that would kill her. At that point they were self sufficient enough I figured.

After the divorce and up until the last couple years she was as a complete total bitch to me. She wouldn't do anything shen wasnt required to in the divorce decree. If it was my weekend with the kids I'd better come get them because the decree didn't say she had to drive them anywhere to see me. She called the management at my employer and tried to get me and my whole group fired once for spite, knowing full well I wouldn't be able to pay her child support if I was unemployed. She tried several times to sabotage my relationship when I remarried a few years later.

By the time the youngest was in college she had lost all of her leverage. The girls were grown, she had stopped talking to her father because he brought up her drinking problem. She had alienated herself from her siblings. Her mother, who she had an on again off again relationship with, died. Even some guy that rented her spare bedroom and was a good friend, I never met him but the girls liked him, left because of the drinking.

By this point she was pretty isolated I think. She did manage to hold onto the same job doing web development for the last 10 years of her life. The girls started bringing her to my parents house for holiday events. I was kinda against it, but they said they couldn't leave her all alone on Christmas and the only other alternative was for the 2 of them to sit there with her all day. So I went with it, and tried to be polite when she was here. In fact, I kinda felt sorry for her. Half my family can't tolerate her knowing the shit she pulled over the years, but she'd rather spend Christmas with a bunch of people who couldnt stand her than be by herself. In retrospect, I'm very grateful for the people in my family, my mother included, who were big enough to overlook the past and try to make her feel welcomed.

The last couple years she tried to be nicer. Even offered to split the cost of something with me last year. 2 days before she killed herself she was at my Moms house for a party. My second wife, who I'm also now divorced from but managed a good friendship with, was also there. I look up at one point and they were sitting at the same table talking. It was surreal, I even texted a about it to a few friends. "I'm sitting here in my Momma's house looking at both my ex-wives talking to each other." That was Sunday the 30th. I thought I was in bizarro world

Half time of the Sugar Bowl I get a call from my Son in Law, I thought he was calling about the game. "Debbie has killed herself. I just left the scene. The girls dont know yet." So I let him go home to tell my oldest and I had to call the youngest. That was a hard call to make. I'll never forget hearing her yell and cry into the phone.

God they miss their Mom. All the terrible things she did, and they were not immune to the terrible things - in fact they probably suffered the worst of it, they always loved their her and new the good side of her better than anybody. The sweet side, the thoughtful side, the funny side. Its weird because though they miss her and always will, they are both relieved that she finally is at peace.

People tell me they are sorry for what happened, and I always say to be sorry for the girls - she was a total bitch to me. Honestly though, as the days go by I remember the good things about our life together and it makes me sad. Sad that she suffered with all that for so long. Sad that she finally lost the struggle.

Both the girls have told me that they always knew this day would come. I didn't know it, but my Son in Law said they had sent the police on welfare checks several times before. The officer had told him on the phone they were going to take her in this time for a psychological evaluation so that they would have grounds to take her gun away; despite the long battle with mental health issues, they couldnt take her gun since all her treatments had been voluntary. My youngest daughter told me of an event a year ago where she literally had to wrestle the pistol away from her mother.

So I keep asking myself what was going through her head when she finally pulled the trigger. The girls showed me all her text from her last day or so and she seemed to be doing good. Making New Years resolutions, asking about shopping, movies she's watching, etc. Its about an hour or two before she went that it gets kinda odd. "I love you both." "I know you've both done your best". It was a voicemail she left my SiL asking him to send the police to her house in the morning and not to let the girls into her house for any reason that led him to call the cops and head to her house that night. I just keep wondering if somehow she knew they were going to commit her that night, her biggest fear since I knew her, that caused her to finally do it.

The hardest part is the finality of it. If she could have got through the night everything would be fine in the morning, it always was. She literally had help knocking on her door. The police heard the shot, then stormed in through the back door but it was too late.

This is selfish, but I suddenly feel a lot of pressure as the girls only living parent. It's hard to explain that feeling, but it's pretty heavy.

The outpouring of love and support for the girls was touching. For a woman who had alienated herself from everybody, she sure packed the memorial service. I knew everybody was there for the girls sake and it was a nice service. Her Dad and siblings made it, people she hadn't spoken to for years. One silver lining is that the girls told me they have been communicating with the grandfather they never really knew and learning a lot. They learned, I didn't know this, that her grandfather and a uncle had also killed themselves, so she's the 3rd. So maybe he'll get a chance to know the great-grandchild I doubt he even knew existed. I introduced her to him at the service, he was always nice to me so many years ago.

I hope it was ok to post this tragedy in this thread. I wanted to share it, if only for my own sake, and didn't want to start a new thread. This one seemed like the best fit.

I'll add, about 9 months ago I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. Enough so that the Dr put me on an anti-depressant of my own. Even after going through all those years with my ex, I had no idea just how debilitating it could be. I get a strong sense of crippling fear of impending doom even as I tell myself everything is great; in fact I'm one of the luckiest guys alive. My jobs going well, I have good friends, both my kids are kicking life's ass, I have a little savings in the bank, etc. So why do I feel like I'm about to drop all the tennis balls and be homeless in the street tomorrow?

Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with everybody and your struggles. Please hang in there. It will be better tomorrow.

Holy shit, yeah, that is rough.

I can relate with “impending doom” thing. It sucks.

[troph 24772]

Man I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so much compassion for another family on this site. You have my deepest heartfelt - shit I don’t even know what to call it. With you man, as much as anyone can be on the Internet. Wow. Shit. Fuck. God be with you and your daughters. Peace and serenity and good favor that what I hope for you and your girls from here on out.

[BearSchlong 8080]

Wow. Just Wow. Thank you so much for sharing that. My heart goes out to you and yours.

[tx 3 putt 76808]

 AnotherUTFan  hang in there man

[Lidig8r 1868]

Was about to post about the dark place that is consuming me... but after reading AnotherUTFan's story, I feel/sense he needs support and strength from us more at this time.

Your kids need you no matter their age Hombre.

Stay strong; let them see your emotions; compassion, strength, sorrow.

[PhillyD 1257]

7 hours ago, Lidig8r said:

Was about to post about the dark place that is consuming me... but after reading AnotherUTFan's story, I feel/sense he needs support and strength from us more at this time.

Your kids need you no matter their age Hombre.

Stay strong; let them see your emotions; compassion, strength, sorrow.

I know you are saying this in a way to express support to AnotherUTFan right now but I'm going to use your post to make a point.

One of the things we all have to be careful about is comparing what we are carrying to what others are carrying.  Right now, what AnotherUTFan is going through is a lot and someone might not feel compelled to share what they are carrying it because "it doesn't feel right "to complain about what I am carrying when you look at how much someone else is carrying."  The problem with this is there is always going to be someone carrying a burden and if you aren't careful, you never appropriately unload the burden you are carrying.  

I think the purpose of this thread is for anyone to unload anything at anytime.  In addition, for every poster in this thread, there may well be 10-15 lurkers who get help by what people post. I brought it up here because it's something I've been told that I am guilty of and I try to continue to work on it.  I guess it something that was ingrained in me to consider that my problems could be trivial when compared to others so I shouldn't bring them up.  I've been told by counselors that me not sharing them is another way to not deal with them and hope they will just go away by themselves.

 

[cactusflinthead 27597]

Whole lotta lurkers. Which is good I think. It's never going to be as hopping as a football game thread, but it shouldn't be. But, the views keep going up and it is not just me checking in. 

@Lidig8r if you have something to unload nobody is going to stop you except you. 

[TwiceHorn 31416]

37 minutes ago, PhillyD said:

I know you are saying this in a way to express support to AnotherUTFan right now but I'm going to use your post to make a point.

One of the things we all have to be careful about is comparing what we are carrying to what others are carrying.  Right now, what AnotherUTFan is going through is a lot and someone might not feel compelled to share what they are carrying it because "it doesn't feel right "to complain about what I am carrying when you look at how much someone else is carrying."  The problem with this is there is always going to be someone carrying a burden and if you aren't careful, you never appropriately unload the burden you are carrying.  

I think the purpose of this thread is for anyone to unload anything at anytime.  In addition, for every poster in this thread, there may well be 10-15 lurkers who get help by what people post. I brought it up here because it's something I've been told that I am guilty of and I try to continue to work on it.  I guess it something that was ingrained in me to consider that my problems could be trivial when compared to others so I shouldn't bring them up.  I've been told by counselors that me not sharing them is another way to not deal with them and hope they will just go away by themselves.

 

Indeed.  Great post.  I think we all know someone that we might call a hypochondriac or something that always seems to overstate what's bothering them. No one wants to be that guy. But the real sufferer may be someone who is minimizing  their own plight or struggle.

[AnotherUTFan 9721]

I know you are saying this in a way to express support to AnotherUTFan right now but I'm going to use your post to make a point.
One of the things we all have to be careful about is comparing what we are carrying to what others are carrying.  Right now, what AnotherUTFan is going through is a lot and someone might not feel compelled to share what they are carrying it because "it doesn't feel right "to complain about what I am carrying when you look at how much someone else is carrying."  The problem with this is there is always going to be someone carrying a burden and if you aren't careful, you never appropriately unload the burden you are carrying.  
I think the purpose of this thread is for anyone to unload anything at anytime.  In addition, for every poster in this thread, there may well be 10-15 lurkers who get help by what people post. I brought it up here because it's something I've been told that I am guilty of and I try to continue to work on it.  I guess it something that was ingrained in me to consider that my problems could be trivial when compared to others so I shouldn't bring them up.  I've been told by counselors that me not sharing them is another way to not deal with them and hope they will just go away by themselves.
 

Yes please. That's why I was hesitant to post that story in this thread. This should be a place for anybody to unload about whatever struggle they have. It was therapeutic for me to write that a out. It made me think about a lot of shit, and I've reread it several times. I really appreciate all the support. Please dont let it stop anybody else from sharing their own struggle.

[TwiceHorn 31416]

17 minutes ago, AnotherUTFan said:

59 minutes ago, PhillyD said:

I know you are saying this in a way to express support to AnotherUTFan right now but I'm going to use your post to make a point.
One of the things we all have to be careful about is comparing what we are carrying to what others are carrying.  Right now, what AnotherUTFan is going through is a lot and someone might not feel compelled to share what they are carrying it because "it doesn't feel right "to complain about what I am carrying when you look at how much someone else is carrying."  The problem with this is there is always going to be someone carrying a burden and if you aren't careful, you never appropriately unload the burden you are carrying.  
I think the purpose of this thread is for anyone to unload anything at anytime.  In addition, for every poster in this thread, there may well be 10-15 lurkers who get help by what people post. I brought it up here because it's something I've been told that I am guilty of and I try to continue to work on it.  I guess it something that was ingrained in me to consider that my problems could be trivial when compared to others so I shouldn't bring them up.  I've been told by counselors that me not sharing them is another way to not deal with them and hope they will just go away by themselves.
 

Read more  

Yes please. That's why I was hesitant to post that story in this thread. This should be a place for anybody to unload about whatever struggle they have. It was therapeutic for me to write that a out. It made me think about a lot of shit, and I've reread it several times. I really appreciate all the support. Please dont let it stop anybody else from sharing their own struggle.

Probably worth noting that this is why so many therapists prescribe "journaling" or writing things out.  I admit that I don't do it, but there can be real value to processing something that results from organizing your thoughts enough to write it down.

[cactusflinthead 27597]

There are going to be some tales people bring here that are so resoundingly earth shattering that it takes a bit of time for the dust to settle. I think Lid will share when he's ready. Or not. He's had a hard road too. All I can do is keep the door open and let y'all come and go as you feel compelled. 

I think he's giving Another some space. He'll be back I think. 

 

[Lidig8r 1868]

24 minutes ago, cactusflinthead said:

There are going to be some tales people bring here that are so resoundingly earth shattering that it takes a bit of time for the dust to settle. I think Lid will share when he's ready. Or not. He's had a hard road too. All I can do is keep the door open and let y'all come and go as you feel compelled. 

I think he's giving Another some space. He'll be back I think. 

 

Oh, I definitely check in on this thread on a semi-regular basis.  I was open about my struggles on the Shag before here and can give updates.

One of the things I have told others who have opened up to me with their struggles and who routinely say, "I know my issues cannot compare to yours, but ..." is that you cannot compare levels of grief. Grief is as individual as the person suffering.

I reading Another's soul-baring post, I was caught up in the newness and raw power of it. I felt that it needed room and space to be reviewed, not diminished in any way and have the collective help one can get from this thread be directed toward him.

My issue was just the usual roller coaster of emotions that comes into our lives.

I know that the permanence that is the reality of the death of a loved one is a concept that is so incredibly difficult to grasp. It grips you in different ways, at different times. I hope that Another continues on a good path with his eyes, heart and soul open... embrace those kids every chance you get. And be the Storm.

[cactusflinthead 27597]

That's the funny thing about sharing. We have to try to express what we can't grasp. We don't even understand it for ourselves much less are we capable of explaining it well enough for someone else to grasp, but in the sharing of the inexpressible, ineffable event and the feelings of it we find others in the same condition. 

 

[troph 24772]

I know you are saying this in a way to express support to AnotherUTFan right now but I'm going to use your post to make a point.
One of the things we all have to be careful about is comparing what we are carrying to what others are carrying.  Right now, what AnotherUTFan is going through is a lot and someone might not feel compelled to share what they are carrying it because "it doesn't feel right "to complain about what I am carrying when you look at how much someone else is carrying."  The problem with this is there is always going to be someone carrying a burden and if you aren't careful, you never appropriately unload the burden you are carrying.  
I think the purpose of this thread is for anyone to unload anything at anytime.  In addition, for every poster in this thread, there may well be 10-15 lurkers who get help by what people post. I brought it up here because it's something I've been told that I am guilty of and I try to continue to work on it.  I guess it something that was ingrained in me to consider that my problems could be trivial when compared to others so I shouldn't bring them up.  I've been told by counselors that me not sharing them is another way to not deal with them and hope they will just go away by themselves.
 

Hard is not relative, hard is just hard. I agree.

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

The wheel keeps on turning, which is such a fantastic reality, I have to pinch myself sometimes.

Just got a new gig managing a "virtual team" for an online retailer, which is step two in our moving plans. Step one was putting the house on the market. I am now completely mobile, and unfettered by College Fucking Station, Texas. Working from home is going to be a whole lot better when "home" has forest on it, clear streams running through it, and a distinct lack of yokels in the near environs. Being close to high quality services for my special needs son won't be too shabby, either.

When I look back at how close to death-by-depression I got several times over the last 10 years, I'm simply stunned by how much better life has gotten.

[XYZ 2154]

1 hour ago, Walden Ponderer said:

The wheel keeps on turning, which is such a fantastic reality, I have to pinch myself sometimes.

Just got a new gig managing a "virtual team" for an online retailer, which is step two in our moving plans. Step one was putting the house on the market. I am now completely mobile, and unfettered by College Fucking Station, Texas. Working from home is going to be a whole lot better when "home" has forest on it, clear streams running through it, and a distinct lack of yokels in the near environs. Being close to high quality services for my special needs son won't be too shabby, either.

When I look back at how close to death-by-depression I got several times over the last 10 years, I'm simply stunned by how much better life has gotten.

Where is this great new place that you’re talking about?

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

12 minutes ago, XYZ said:

Where is this great new place that you’re talking about?

North Carolina piedmont. Chapel Hill, to be precise.

Edited January 29, 2019 by Walden Ponderer

[ImGolfn 77]

13 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

North Carolina piedmont. Chapel Hill, to be precise.

Mack? Is that you?  

[XYZ 2154]

7 hours ago, ImGolfn said:

Mack? Is that you?  

How are you doing, ImGolfn?

[ImGolfn 77]

On 1/29/2019 at 4:17 PM, XYZ said:

How are you doing, ImGolfn?

I'm hanging in I guess, Dr changed my meds around and so far so good not feeling as many ups and downs. 

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

16 hours ago, ImGolfn said:

I'm hanging in I guess, Dr changed my meds around and so far so good not feeling as many ups and downs. 

New meds are so much better when they work than when they don't.  People who don't need them don't understand why that even needs saying.

[cactusflinthead 27597]

It was 113hunnerdsomething views last week. It's 11867 when I got here.

I suppose I am doing ok. I got a recommendation for a man named Abraham Heschel, "Man is Not Alone".

Just barely going but, I can tell it's one of those you come back to several times over the years. 

[Sandman 3403]

I'm just about at my wit's end with my kid. I'm stressing and I don't like to stress out (who does? Fucking dumbass). I've said it multiple times (not to her but to others) but I didn't grow up around my extended family, my dad was in the USAF and it was just the 4 of us: Me, mom, dad, my sister. I never spent holidays with grandparents or spent weekends hanging with my cousins.  When I was 15, my sister got married and left. I grew up with a disconnect when it comes to family. I can take it or leave it, I don't care. I'm used to not having any. Don't get me wrong, I was crushed when my mom died, but I don't hang out with family much.

So when my kid (17) fucks up and then acts like an asshole on top of that (and it's not a single incident), I feel the urge to cut her loose. Send her off to the ex-wife and wash my hands of her. Yes, I realize that makes me look like a huge asshole. But I've been the only "real" parent the last 11+ years, her mother is a fucking loser. I know if I send her off, it will be a vacation for her, she won't really have to answer to anyone. Her mother wants to be her buddy, not her mom. I feel like I have to make myself suffer to teach her a lesson, which she doesn't want to learn anyway.

Part of me feels like it would be a good thing, it will show her just how good she has it at my house. But that's a dream, she'll just party it up with her mom and get away with whatever she wants. And part of me doesn't care!!!  Go be a fuckup, see how far it gets you.

I want my child to have a good life. I want her to be happy and successful. But I'm tired of having to make the horse take that fucking drink. Go thirsty, then. Of course, the guilt will tear me apart. I wouldn't tell anyone but it would. I cannot win and I don't want to play this game.

[TwiceHorn 31416]

1 hour ago, Sandman said:

I'm just about at my wit's end with my kid. I'm stressing and I don't like to stress out (who does? Fucking dumbass). I've said it multiple times (not to her but to others) but I didn't grow up around my extended family, my dad was in the USAF and it was just the 4 of us: Me, mom, dad, my sister. I never spent holidays with grandparents or spent weekends hanging with my cousins.  When I was 15, my sister got married and left. I grew up with a disconnect when it comes to family. I can take it or leave it, I don't care. I'm used to not having any. Don't get me wrong, I was crushed when my mom died, but I don't hang out with family much.

So when my kid (17) fucks up and then acts like an asshole on top of that (and it's not a single incident), I feel the urge to cut her loose. Send her off to the ex-wife and wash my hands of her. Yes, I realize that makes me look like a huge asshole. But I've been the only "real" parent the last 11+ years, her mother is a fucking loser. I know if I send her off, it will be a vacation for her, she won't really have to answer to anyone. Her mother wants to be her buddy, not her mom. I feel like I have to make myself suffer to teach her a lesson, which she doesn't want to learn anyway.

Part of me feels like it would be a good thing, it will show her just how good she has it at my house. But that's a dream, she'll just party it up with her mom and get away with whatever she wants. And part of me doesn't care!!!  Go be a fuckup, see how far it gets you.

I want my child to have a good life. I want her to be happy and successful. But I'm tired of having to make the horse take that fucking drink. Go thirsty, then. Of course, the guilt will tear me apart. I wouldn't tell anyone but it would. I cannot win and I don't want to play this game.

Sorry, friendo.  But, your instinct may be dead on.  Al Anon teaches the family of alcoholics to love from a distance, for their own sanity and to avoid enabling the alcoholic/addict, which can be really difficult from close proximity.  Parents want to protect children from their mistakes, but that may be a mistake, and mistakes have to be distinguished from intentional bad behavior.

Not suggesting your kiddo is an addict, but to a family, an addict is functionally like a misbehaving adolescent in many or most ways.  Letting the miscreant suffer the consequences of their actions may be just what the doctor ordered in terms of rehabilitation.  You don't have to "wash your hands" completely either; you can be there for legitimate needs without getting scorched by the BS and let her know that you are her father and love her, but won't put up with or support in any way her nonsense.

Edited February 6, 2019 by TwiceHorn

[XYZ 2154]

12 hours ago, Sandman said:

I'm just about at my wit's end with my kid. I'm stressing and I don't like to stress out (who does? Fucking dumbass). I've said it multiple times (not to her but to others) but I didn't grow up around my extended family, my dad was in the USAF and it was just the 4 of us: Me, mom, dad, my sister. I never spent holidays with grandparents or spent weekends hanging with my cousins.  When I was 15, my sister got married and left. I grew up with a disconnect when it comes to family. I can take it or leave it, I don't care. I'm used to not having any. Don't get me wrong, I was crushed when my mom died, but I don't hang out with family much.

So when my kid (17) fucks up and then acts like an asshole on top of that (and it's not a single incident), I feel the urge to cut her loose. Send her off to the ex-wife and wash my hands of her. Yes, I realize that makes me look like a huge asshole. But I've been the only "real" parent the last 11+ years, her mother is a fucking loser. I know if I send her off, it will be a vacation for her, she won't really have to answer to anyone. Her mother wants to be her buddy, not her mom. I feel like I have to make myself suffer to teach her a lesson, which she doesn't want to learn anyway.

Part of me feels like it would be a good thing, it will show her just how good she has it at my house. But that's a dream, she'll just party it up with her mom and get away with whatever she wants. And part of me doesn't care!!!  Go be a fuckup, see how far it gets you.

I want my child to have a good life. I want her to be happy and successful. But I'm tired of having to make the horse take that fucking drink. Go thirsty, then. Of course, the guilt will tear me apart. I wouldn't tell anyone but it would. I cannot win and I don't want to play this game.

If you are stressing out because of your kid’s dumbass behavior, all I can say is: you are not alone. I have two teenagers, and I can’t fucking wait for them to be done with high school, emancipated, and on their merry way. I’m tired on being a parent.

[Sandman 3403]

8 minutes ago, XYZ said:

If you are stressing out because of your kid’s dumbass behavior, all I can say is: you are not alone. I have two teenagers, and I can’t fucking wait for them to be done with high school, emancipated, and on their merry way. I’m tired on being a parent.

I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to hear someone else say that. I thought maybe I was just a piece of shit for wanting my kids to fly from the nest. 

[troph 24772]

5 hours ago, XYZ said:

If you are stressing out because of your kid’s dumbass behavior, all I can say is: you are not alone. I have two teenagers, and I can’t fucking wait for them to be done with high school, emancipated, and on their merry way. I’m tired on being a parent.

same today.  my 14 year old was a flat out jerk this morning and projected all of that on to me when I calmly told him if he wanted coffee he was welcome to have some.  I especially want them to emancipate when they decide to do things like complain to their other mom about my cooking.  so let me get this straight, I had an event I had to go to and so I ordered pizza for you and it just wasn't the kind you wanted so you told your other mom the food here sucks?  what about the steak and baked potato with excessive butter, cheese, pan fried bacon (not canned bacon bits) that you had saturday night, or the pancakes saturday morning?  or what about the smoked ribs and baked potato redux on Sunday.  What about the rotisserie chicken and homemade charro beans before that.  Seriously little fellas, act like you have at least a modicum of gratitude.  sweet jesus.

Edited February 6, 2019 by troph