Gather 'round, young Surls, for the retelling of a classic Christmas story

[Beau Vine 54230]

ORIGINALLY POSTED by WIDE-E-WIDE Dec 2006:

After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week.

My wife told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it.

This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My wife, her parents, our 4 kids and I all went. Now I wasn’t a math major but that's $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of)

So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa- All that shit. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all going to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay den let’s get our roll on!”  

My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see shit but a blurry-ass Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My father-in-law asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear “$48 for this shit?”  She gives me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”

We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of shit overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the wife again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”
Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we just getting our roll on...and then it happened.

Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest daughter says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from our house (approx. 1/2 mile)
I lean over to the wife again “This bitch better not turn right at this light!”
What does the driver do????? That’s right folks, fucking turns right and heads right to our neighborhood. Not only our neighborhood “BUT OUR FUCKING STREET!!

I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr- look at the Santa up on the roof kids.” I know bitch “I'M THE ONE THAT FUCKING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK"

I can’t type this anymore it's just too painful. The point is, we spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in our own damn neighborhood. My wife just hung her head in shame. I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

Like Charlie Brown, The Grinch, and Rudolph, this story is a holiday must.  Kudos, @Beau Vine.

[LTbear 4169]

I know what's coming every time and it never gets old 

[Surly Bevo 24908]

Tour would be 15-20 bucks a head now. Inflation and the shiplapping of Waco.

[KeysPhoneWallet 807]

Memories…. Sometimes I forget how long I’ve been around you fuckers

[JimmyRussels 14]

This bitch better not turn right at this light.

A Christmas miracle 

[Superhero 8830]

Let’s get our roll on.

Will admit those words have come out of my mouth at some point. 

[DigglerontheHoof 21199]

God Bless us, every one. 

[BigDHornfan 6548]

Ok den.

[Radical Larry 28619]

A tradition unlike any other.

[Prepuce of Doom 21073]

Okay den let’s get our roll on!

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

My wife gives me the look whenever I drop a casual "would you look at that electricity captured in colored bulbs" on our evening walks through our neighborhood which is, admittedly, filled with many impressive light displays.

[SquishMitten 10408]

Gotdamn. 2006?!? Now I feel old.

[52-80 19158]

Wonder if shaquandra still leaving these tours

[Davis Lane 5584]

How many motherfuckers laughed at your Christmas decoration setup?

[Superhero 8830]

3 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Gotdamn. 2006?!? Now I feel old.

That was the year my wife and I started dating. We have a kid in her teens now. 

[Superhero 8830]

Everyone was probably laughing too much to ask, but I hope wide-e-wide got the sloppiest I’m sorry beej afterwards. 

[MissingInAction 25076]

11 hours ago, Superhero said:

Let’s get our roll on.

Will admit those words have come out of my mouth at some point. 

It's part of my ever growing surly influenced lexicon.

[Beau Vine 54230]

10 minutes ago, Superhero said:

Everyone was probably laughing too much to ask, but I hope wide-e-wide got the sloppiest I’m sorry beej afterwards. 

From his wife????

 

[Beau Vine 54230]

7 hours ago, Radical Larry said:

A tradition unlike any other.

I think I have it memorized by now.

[nnm 36405]

[elfenix 34240]

26 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

From his wife????

 

[FartingMonk 3606]

2 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

From his wife????

 

Shaquandra said oh you need a sloppy beej?  Ok den let's roll

[Guest]

Merry Christmas Wide-E-wide, wherever you are, sonofabitch.

 

If you lurk this thread, hope you and your family are well.  

[Mez2 4023]

I was literally just thinking about this story yesterday. Hilarious. 

[Macanudo 12978]

I sent an "edited" version of this email around at work a few years ago.

 Almost got me fired.  

It was worth it.

[Doze 1322]

[skeeter 454]

“I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.”

 

[Ravishing Rick 1129]

I lol'd.  I grew up in Woodway and know exactly which HEB and local streets you're talking about.  RIP Mike C

[RPM 26321]

On 12/18/2022 at 9:15 PM, Beau Vine said:

“This bitch better not turn right at this light!”

There's a Christmas song if I ever heard one.

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

13 hours ago, Doze said:

About 20 years ago some Russians lived next door to my aunt and uncle. Their idea of Christmas lights was to plug in a string of blue lights and then throw the remaining tangled bunch on the roof.

 

My uncle also found the father passed out drunk in his front yard one morning on the way to work.

[Beau Vine 54230]

Bump.

[Biff Tannen 45685]

On 12/18/2022 at 9:15 PM, Beau Vine said:

I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes.

This is the part that gets me the most for some reason.

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

Every year my wife asks me to read this aloud to kick off our Christmas season.  The Reading happened tonight.  This week I'll put up the lights and the yard display, then move inside to make it look like Christmas vomited all over the living room and den.  Happy Holidays you glorious bastards.

[Guest]

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