Do you have friends who still heavily rely on their parents' money?

[Guest]

59 minutes ago, Nice Guy Eddie said:

Out of curiosity does anyone feel or would feel differently about accepting money from their spouse’s parents as opposed to their own? 

I accepted help from my in-laws early in our marriage because we basically had to- yes, I understand the argument that we didn't HAVE to take it, but they always couched it as "Helping our grandkids."  I wasn't ashamed, but I damned sure didn't like asking.  It most definitely made me want to fix my own finances so we would not have to be reliant upon them.   To my wife's credit, she was very committed to not letting her parents interfere with "our house" or marriage.  The money didn't buy them access to controlling us.  We valued their opinions, and that of my mom's; but they didn't buy the right to make decisions for us.

To your point, there's a lot of freaking angles/ layers to peel back.

[burntorangebongos 10,763]

I have a very good friend I met in college. She graduated and got a good job and worked hard. She had a wealthy mom and stepdad but if they helped her out, they didn't do it often. She married a guy with a good job and together, they built their life and had 2 kids and were doing fine. They may have struggled here or there but they got through it. Everything was going well and she enjoyed visits from her mom who loved visiting her grand kids. Then the mom got sick with cancer, and she fought but she died in her early 60s. My friend was her only child, so she inherited everything from her mom. 

For about 3 years, you could feel her sadness at losing her mother. It was really hard on her, and I felt so bad for her. No amount of money can replace the love and concern she got to have from her mom and she felt robbed by the world to lose her before her mom got to see her kids get married and to just enjoy being with them more. She finally came out of her sadness and started to enjoy the inheritance. She travels a lot and got a big, nice home.  I don't think she'll ever have to worry about money.

I got to have my mother in my life about 25 years more than she did and I know she would have traded with me in a heartbeat to have her mother longer than to have all that money. Well maybe at least get half of it and more time. haha

Hopefully, these assholes syphoning off their parents are giving them joy, good memories and lots of love. 

 

 

[alincoln 2,385]

There are many families in my neighborhood who rely on their parents to finance their lifestyle to various degrees.  The ridiculous competition for housing increased this reliance as all cash offers became necessary to win competitive bidding situations, the sources of which are often provided by by parents.  

They annoy me about as much as mannies (house husbands for the uninitiated) and used to bother me more when I was really busting my ass and never seeing my kids while they were on the golf course 4 days a week.  In my experience, these types tend to congregate, are nice enough, frequently involve MILFs in yoga pants and don't include the Karens that I actually have issues with.    

['stache 21,899]

Who cares? Family wealth is pretty common, I know plenty of people whose housing situation doesn’t match their employment, I assume it’s family money. My wife’s best friend lives off a modest trust left to her from her grandfathers oil money. She has a decent house in a nice neighborhood, nothing flashy, but it’s not cheap either. She works for the school enrollment office, her partner is a freelance videographer or some nonsense. They’d never afford that part of town alone. She’s open about it and nobody cares. It would be nice to have so kinda jealous but not really. I do still use my parents dish network login for the espn app to watch live sports, I just don’t want to pay for cable.

[Spaulding Smails 1,567]

This is a really interesting topic that I think is becoming more common in recent years.  And, I don't think it's binary by any stretch.  And, you don't always know the entirety of the circumstances.  For me, it's more of a function of how the parents and the children act.  Are they humble?  Are they generous?  Do they stay grounded?

I have three examples of varying degrees that kind of illustrate my perspective.  For the record, my folks were squarely in the middle-class when I was growing up but did well later in life.  I've never taken a dime from them.  Including paying cash for my first vehicle at 16 after mowing yards for 3+ years and paying my way through college with help from scholarships.  

#1 - My BIL.  36 years old.  My in-laws are not wealthy, but are both retired.  He still has them pay his phone bill, cable, car insurance, and they provide him with free child care.  He's always driven vehicles that they've given him.  And, I know they made the 20% down payment when he bought his first house about five years ago.  This one's more about his bad life decisions and my MIL being an enabler.

#2 - My buddy from HS.  His dad owned a mid-sized company that blew up right after we graduated HS.  He and his three siblings absolutely lived off the teet for the entirety of their 20s.  I remember him coming over when I moved into my second house in my mid 20s.  Built a nice custom home.  We got into a semi argument because he was convinced my parents bought the house for me.  He confided that his parents bought all four kids' houses for them.  But, to the credit of all four kids, it appears that they're somewhat independent and doing well now.  The two daughters married successful guys, and the two sons now run the business and have actually continued to grow it while their dad has completely retired.  To me, this one was more of the slingshot effect instead of continued dependence.

#3 - My current friend.  We met about 10 years ago.  He's a few years older than me.  Our kids are the same age.  Lives in a nice house, but both he and his wife do well.  No extravagant vacations, no crazy toys.  Just normal folks.  A few years ago, we were sitting around a fire and talking about our parents getting older, wills, estates, etc.  I had never met his dad.  Come to find out, he has a fairly significant trust fund.  He said he used / abused it in his 20s, but when his son was born, he made a goal not to touch it.  He wanted to be independence.  He said it gave him the cushion to be independent and take chances in starting a new business.  Credit to him for being humble, but he probably wouldn't be where he is if he didn't have the comfort of that fallback.  

So, to summarize, in my mind it's more about the person than the funds.  You can have douchebags who get their phone paid for and you can have amazing people that you'd never know had millions with their name on it sitting in the bank.  

[gmr548 16,617]

mannies (house husbands for the uninitiated)

[Aqua Buddha 14,647]

Father in law was an early and very senior partner in a Big 6 Accounting/Wealth Management company.  The Wealth Management side handled a lot of HNW types in the 8 figure range.  I think the minimum net worth was $30M or something like that.

Anyway, he'd always say this is more common than you realize.  When you manage people's money, you're more of a therapist/counselor than anything and a lot of people float their kids for any number of reasons least of which is their own status.  No rich woman wants her baby girl slumming it with the poors.  He said some of these people float their kids even to their own detriment.  He'd have people that couldn't retire when they wanted to and couldn't figure out why and he'd just look at the balance sheet.  He said doctors were the worst about all this.

The quote about inheritance being the unseen hand of wealth in America is from him. 

[MissingInAction 25,257]

My family is rich af. Old oil and land money. 

Even as a child it disgusted me how everyone would snivel around the matriarch, my grandmother, for whatever she was willing to hand out.

I never asked for shit and she respected me for that. I know because when she passed I got a fat inheritance that let me live the good life unemployed for about 5 years.

I could have invested that money and still be earning points on it, but I was in my 20s and DGAF at that time.

Pride is a stupid thing, but self respect is very important. 

Friends and family have helped me out when my back was against the wall, but it's been rare. Shit even some folks on this board have helped me out with odd jobs when I needed money. 

Being a piece of shit who actually lives off of others when they are fully capable of supporting themselves...

Just eat a bullet already.

[Brothahorn 10,087]

I have several friends from high school that are still at home or close by waiting on their parents to kick the bucket. Besides their kids everything they have is because of the parents helping them out. The lifted trucks, wife's jeeps, 2-3 ATV's and the custom built house that is about 300 yards away from mom and dad. It's a nice gig if you can get it, I guess.

One of my wife's friends daughter is a teacher. She is constantly hitting her mom up for money and making her mom pay for something called butcher box. And the daughter has a husband at home who barely makes enough to cover his car note because his wife wants him home every night with her and the kids. The friend was telling my wife how she had to help pay for the kids Christmas presents in addition to what she bought them. And to top it off the daughter and husband are going to Colorado for Christmas. And the flight was paid for with his parents Amex miles.

Also SIL would be mooching off her parents if it wasn't for her Sugar daddies. Hell we've even had to loan her money.

[BehoId, The Underminer! 11,669]

My guess is this has increased over time because of this:

 

The older generations just have more of our countries wealth than they used to.  That huge jump in the black line compared to the red line.  So mom and pop have to hand it down to the kids to keep them trucking because now mom and pop can.

[BehoId, The Underminer! 11,669]

Quote

• When boomers were roughly the same age as millennials are now, they owned about 21% of America's wealth, compared to millennials' 3% share today, according to recent Fed data. 

https://www.businessinsider.com/millennials-less-wealth-net-worth-compared-to-boomers-2019-12

[hayden_horn 11,365]

boomers fucked us

proper fucked

[Js1 85,662]

If my friends do, I have no idea. But good for them if they do! Lucky bastards. My inheritance will be a whopping four figures and a bunch of crap, but that’s the genetic lottery. 

[Herbie Hancock 7,383]

My best friend growing up was the son of the guy that founded Tigé boats. He has an MBA and has never had a job. 35 years old and posted a video last week of him flying his paramotor over the ocean in Cabo, and he pointed out his newest house on the cliffs. He has no wife, no kids, a house on ladybird lake, a house in Vail, and now a house in Cabo. Sounds like a terrible life.

[Armybrat 40,945]

17 hours ago, BehoId, The Underminer! said:

i'm an island.  my folks don't give me anything.  i'm sort of the model of a man's man.  the only thing they give me is they pay for my car.  other than that, i'm like a human citadel, towering over the lands below.  just that and a little something for my student loans.  i have a full beard and care for my family, like a shepherd over his flock, never letting them stray.  if you don't count the job they set me up with.  i'm nothing but bootstraps that i pull up myself.  i keep the wolves at bay.  the hair on my chest is so thick it looks like 70s carpet. if you're picky you could ding me for the 529s they funded. my eyes naturally squint in the lowering sun as i gaze into the distance.  i break raw ground with my bear hands for the season's crops.  just me, and the sweat of my brow.  except for a little something for the second car too.  

This is your bear hand?

 

['stache 21,899]

1 hour ago, Spaulding Smails said:

This is a really interesting topic that I think is becoming more common in recent years.  And, I don't think it's binary by any stretch.  And, you don't always know the entirety of the circumstances.  For me, it's more of a function of how the parents and the children act.  Are they humble?  Are they generous?  Do they stay grounded?

I have three examples of varying degrees that kind of illustrate my perspective.  For the record, my folks were squarely in the middle-class when I was growing up but did well later in life.  I've never taken a dime from them.  Including paying cash for my first vehicle at 16 after mowing yards for 3+ years and paying my way through college with help from scholarships.  

#1 - My BIL.  36 years old.  My in-laws are not wealthy, but are both retired.  He still has them pay his phone bill, cable, car insurance, and they provide him with free child care.  He's always driven vehicles that they've given him.  And, I know they made the 20% down payment when he bought his first house about five years ago.  This one's more about his bad life decisions and my MIL being an enabler.

#2 - My buddy from HS.  His dad owned a mid-sized company that blew up right after we graduated HS.  He and his three siblings absolutely lived off the teet for the entirety of their 20s.  I remember him coming over when I moved into my second house in my mid 20s.  Built a nice custom home.  We got into a semi argument because he was convinced my parents bought the house for me.  He confided that his parents bought all four kids' houses for them.  But, to the credit of all four kids, it appears that they're somewhat independent and doing well now.  The two daughters married successful guys, and the two sons now run the business and have actually continued to grow it while their dad has completely retired.  To me, this one was more of the slingshot effect instead of continued dependence.

#3 - My current friend.  We met about 10 years ago.  He's a few years older than me.  Our kids are the same age.  Lives in a nice house, but both he and his wife do well.  No extravagant vacations, no crazy toys.  Just normal folks.  A few years ago, we were sitting around a fire and talking about our parents getting older, wills, estates, etc.  I had never met his dad.  Come to find out, he has a fairly significant trust fund.  He said he used / abused it in his 20s, but when his son was born, he made a goal not to touch it.  He wanted to be independence.  He said it gave him the cushion to be independent and take chances in starting a new business.  Credit to him for being humble, but he probably wouldn't be where he is if he didn't have the comfort of that fallback.  

So, to summarize, in my mind it's more about the person than the funds.  You can have douchebags who get their phone paid for and you can have amazing people that you'd never know had millions with their name on it sitting in the bank.  

I know for a fact I’d take a small business risk if I had that cushion. I had hoped to have some good years but it hasn’t panned out and i’m probably gonna pass “entrepreneur” start up age soon. Like someone said, it’s the generic lottery. It really shapes my politics, especially when there is disingenuous talk about “boot straps” and “personal responsibility.” Get fucked, that’s not how the real world works.

[ztejas 43,671]

1 hour ago, BehoId, The Underminer! said:

My guess is this has increased over time because of this:

 

The older generations just have more of our countries wealth than they used to.  That huge jump in the black line compared to the red line.  So mom and pop have to hand it down to the kids to keep them trucking because now mom and pop can.

 

1 hour ago, BehoId, The Underminer! said:

https://www.businessinsider.com/millennials-less-wealth-net-worth-compared-to-boomers-2019-12

If millenials weren't so lazy these numbers would be different. 

/s

[Brisketexan 105,501]

2 hours ago, Spaulding Smails said:

For me, it's more of a function of how the parents and the children act.  Are they humble?  Are they generous?  Do they stay grounded?

 

Bingo.  Hell, my son just got home from college in the UK yesterday.  He took a train down to London from Glasgow, and spent the night before his flight at one of his friend's house.  They live in a fucking ESTATE north of London.  He was telling me "shit, I knew they had money, but they're fucking LOADED."  But he commented that she's just a regular cool chick, her parents were friendly and welcoming, and didn't put on airs.  They have a full bar (he says "dad, I don't mean a stocked liquor cabinet like we have -- I mean an ACTUAL FULL BAR, LIKE YOU'D SEE IN A PUB") downstairs (so they spent the night drinking and having laughs).  But he recognized and appreciated that she had money and privilege, but remains grounded and goodhearted, AND that her parents are similar.

My kids already have more money and privilege than I had, by a LOT.  I suspect we'll keep them on our phone plan for a long time (because it's cheap, because it's easy, and because shit, they are bouncing from country to country, and it's a way to keep a US number).  They are also now named beneficiaries on my old man's IRA -- when he dies, it goes to them 50/50, and it's a chunk of cash.  Strategic decision, because they will have low incomes for some years to come (still students and young adults), so their tax hit will be much less than mine, and they have 10 years to draw it down.  But that amount of money will surely pay for a first modest home/flat somewhere.  Meaning they'll get a head start on life by having their first home, even if it's a modest 2 bdrm flat in Glasgow, to own free and clear.  That's a big leg up on life.  And they know and appreciate it.

My folks bought me a car quite a few years back, when we were living pretty lean, two young kids and bills to pay.  They could.  I accepted.  It was most appreciated.

But I've certainly told my dad that his "estate" is his -- he has it as he needs it, it's there to provide for his life, expenses, and care.  He doesn't need to be trying to make sure he leaves some to me.  If there's money left at the end of his life, we'll take it.  If not, it means he planned well and wisely, and had enough to take care of himself.

The key is "entitlement," in my mind.  Anything you get from your parents, be grateful for, and understand that it also brings them some happiness to be able to help.  But when you expect it, or feel entitled to it....not great.

[Ghost of LL 15,570]

Trust-fund babies?  Yeah--I know a few.

[DefinitelyNotHollywoodColt 12,301]

3 hours ago, slorch said:

I accepted help from my in-laws early in our marriage because we basically had to- yes, I understand the argument that we didn't HAVE to take it, but they always couched it as "Helping our grandkids."  I wasn't ashamed, but I damned sure didn't like asking.  It most definitely made me want to fix my own finances so we would not have to be reliant upon them.   To my wife's credit, she was very committed to not letting her parents interfere with "our house" or marriage.  The money didn't buy them access to controlling us.  We valued their opinions, and that of my mom's; but they didn't buy the right to make decisions for us.

To your point, there's a lot of freaking angles/ layers to peel back.

Sounds like you needed more bootstraps, Slorch.

[RDCanecutter 26,526]

I have no respect for rich kids who live quiet normal lives. You could be a total Trustafarian, dragging your white-boy-corn-row ass via tramp steamer from one surfing spot to another, with pauses to beat on an empty plastic tub in a drum circle in an Italian piazza while speaking 2nd year Spanish to the frazzled locals. You get one shot at this. Most people would die for it. But you're too fucking good to live out your ordained role, instead you're practicing your pose as a nice ordinary guy. You want a fucking cookie?

[Pam Cummings 9,694]

Isn't the American dream to make such an obscene amount of money that your kids never have to worry about it? As long as people are self-aware of their privilege i've no problem with it.

Edited December 22, 2022 by Pam Cummings

[Dahobbs 17,757]

1 minute ago, Pam Cummings said:

Isn't the American dream to make such an obscene amount of money that your kids never have to worry about it?

I thought it involved blow and strippers? 

[Brisketexan 105,501]

3 minutes ago, Pam Cummings said:

Isn't the American dream to make such an obscene amount of money that your kids never have to worry about it?

[Pam Cummings 9,694]

1 minute ago, Dahobbs said:

I thought it involved blow and strippers? 

Speaking of blow and strippers.....i've known some dudes that were stupid assholes and married into money, then acted like assholes about it. That, i have more of a problem with.

[Samson's Wig 3,195]

14 hours ago, Gil Bang said:

I've got a buddy (Jack) that works hard at his job, and makes enough to provide a comfortable middle-to-upper-middle lifestyle for his family. 

 

His wife has a brother that's LOADED.  So, anytime she doesn't get what she wants or needs, she calls her brother and he gives it to her.  Daughter was big into the barrel racing deal.  Wife wanted a new truck and horse trailer.  Jack says that the truck and trailer they have is fine, that he will put new tires on the truck, etc.   Wife calls brother. A couple of days later, Cummins Dodge Dually arrives and a new featherlite arrives a week or so later. 

This goes on and on.  Jack feels like a POS because his wife makes him feel shitty because nothing he provides is good enough for her.   And what he provides is enough that most women would be grateful.

Your buddy's wife seems like a terrible person.  Marrying poorly is the number one way to fuck up your life.

[Guest]

24 minutes ago, DefinitelyNotHollywoodColt said:

Sounds like you needed more bootstraps, Slorch.

No Mainly it's just because I'm white and everything magically went my way.

The guilt is overwhelming.

[Spaulding Smails 1,567]

1 hour ago, 'stache said:

I know for a fact I’d take a small business risk if I had that cushion. I had hoped to have some good years but it hasn’t panned out and i’m probably gonna pass “entrepreneur” start up age soon. Like someone said, it’s the generic lottery. It really shapes my politics, especially when there is disingenuous talk about “boot straps” and “personal responsibility.” Get fucked, that’s not how the real world works.

You nailed it.  Having that fall-back plan is what would've been nice.  I took the entrepreneurial plunge in my early 30s with three kids and some savings.  It sucked.  It was (and still is) stressful, and I zapped my savings and put a halt on retirement investment during some peak earning years.  But, I would've done it MUCH sooner if I would've had a big trust fund to fall back on.

I'm in a very unique situation with my kids.  I have a special needs son, so our entire long-term financial strategy is centered around making sure he has what he needs in life.  I'd love to retire, but that'll be secondary to having financial security for him.  My other two kids know it, and are OK with it (at least for now).  As such, we've already set up a trust for our family and a special needs trust for him.  If anyone has a special needs kiddo, I'd HIGHLY recommend doing it.  Unfortunately, a special needs individual either needs to have a ton of money in the bank or none at all.  We're early in the process, but the long-term financial implications of having a trust create the ability for them to have financial support without disqualification for state funding.

Long term, in the event we're set up financially, I'd love to give my other two kids that cushion in the form of support to start a business.  Personally, I'd rather make them grind it out early to figure out how to pay their phone bill and their streaming services or drive a shitty car and skip fancy dinners and big bar tabs for a while.  I did that, and I truly feel like it gave me more budgeting discipline and a better overall financial foundation that I've since leveraged with some moderate success.  Once they prove that they can operate with financial discipline, I'd love to support them via an investment if they have the desire to craft a sound business plan that I could support where a traditional lender may pass.  That may be a business venture or a rental house or whatever, but that's the kind of stuff I think they could grow from rather than become dependent on.  

[royiv 9,415]

54 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Bingo.  Hell, my son just got home from college in the UK yesterday.  He took a train down to London from Glasgow, and spent the night before his flight at one of his friend's house.  They live in a fucking ESTATE north of London.  He was telling me "shit, I knew they had money, but they're fucking LOADED."  But he commented that she's just a regular cool chick, her parents were friendly and welcoming, and didn't put on airs.  They have a full bar (he says "dad, I don't mean a stocked liquor cabinet like we have -- I mean an ACTUAL FULL BAR, LIKE YOU'D SEE IN A PUB") downstairs (so they spent the night drinking and having laughs).  But he recognized and appreciated that she had money and privilege, but remains grounded and goodhearted, AND that her parents are similar.

My kids already have more money and privilege than I had, by a LOT.  I suspect we'll keep them on our phone plan for a long time (because it's cheap, because it's easy, and because shit, they are bouncing from country to country, and it's a way to keep a US number).  They are also now named beneficiaries on my old man's IRA -- when he dies, it goes to them 50/50, and it's a chunk of cash.  Strategic decision, because they will have low incomes for some years to come (still students and young adults), so their tax hit will be much less than mine, and they have 10 years to draw it down.  But that amount of money will surely pay for a first modest home/flat somewhere.  Meaning they'll get a head start on life by having their first home, even if it's a modest 2 bdrm flat in Glasgow, to own free and clear.  That's a big leg up on life.  And they know and appreciate it.

My folks bought me a car quite a few years back, when we were living pretty lean, two young kids and bills to pay.  They could.  I accepted.  It was most appreciated.

But I've certainly told my dad that his "estate" is his -- he has it as he needs it, it's there to provide for his life, expenses, and care.  He doesn't need to be trying to make sure he leaves some to me.  If there's money left at the end of his life, we'll take it.  If not, it means he planned well and wisely, and had enough to take care of himself.

The key is "entitlement," in my mind.  Anything you get from your parents, be grateful for, and understand that it also brings them some happiness to be able to help.  But when you expect it, or feel entitled to it....not great.

Sounds like your son should be looking at this girl to be more than just a friend.

[Zepol87 9,210]

Man there is a whole world of money I know nothing about. Y'all wild

[ztejas 43,671]

55 minutes ago, Pam Cummings said:

Isn't the American dream to make such an obscene amount of money that your kids never have to worry about it? As long as people are self-aware of their privilege i've no problem with it.

 

52 minutes ago, Dahobbs said:

I thought it involved blow and strippers? 

[Nice Guy Eddie 13,537]

the key is being the children of the person who actually makes the generational wealth since 70% of those children spend it to where not much is passed onto the next generation. Less than 10% make it past the 2nd generation.

[Brisketexan 105,501]

1 hour ago, royiv said:

Sounds like your son should be looking at this girl to be more than just a friend.

I suggested it when they first met.  Turns out, she's his best friend's girlfriend. And in spite of inspiring a great Cars song, he's gonna leave that one be.

[ztejas 43,671]

1 minute ago, Brisketexan said:

I suggested it when they first met.  Turns out, she's his best friend's girlfriend. And in spite of inspiring a great Cars song, he's gonna leave that one be.

Guys have wound up marrying their best friend's girlfriends since we were Neanderthals flinging shit at each other. 

I'd keep her in the rolodex. 

[Biff Tannen 45,761]

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

It hits better with a younger pic from the stand up where he said it.

[smuggs 9,354]

21 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Turns out, she's his best friend's girlfriend. And in spite of inspiring a great Cars song, he's gonna leave that one be.

I bet he feels so dirty when they start talkin' cute.

 

[HamsterHookah 112]

5 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Bingo.  Hell, my son just got home from college in the UK yesterday.  He took a train down to London from Glasgow, and spent the night before his flight at one of his friend's house.  They live in a fucking ESTATE north of London.  He was telling me "shit, I knew they had money, but they're fucking LOADED."  But he commented that she's just a regular cool chick, her parents were friendly and welcoming, and didn't put on airs.  They have a full bar (he says "dad, I don't mean a stocked liquor cabinet like we have -- I mean an ACTUAL FULL BAR, LIKE YOU'D SEE IN A PUB") downstairs (so they spent the night drinking and having laughs).  But he recognized and appreciated that she had money and privilege, but remains grounded and goodhearted, AND that her parents are similar.

My kids already have more money and privilege than I had, by a LOT.  I suspect we'll keep them on our phone plan for a long time (because it's cheap, because it's easy, and because shit, they are bouncing from country to country, and it's a way to keep a US number).  They are also now named beneficiaries on my old man's IRA -- when he dies, it goes to them 50/50, and it's a chunk of cash.  Strategic decision, because they will have low incomes for some years to come (still students and young adults), so their tax hit will be much less than mine, and they have 10 years to draw it down.  But that amount of money will surely pay for a first modest home/flat somewhere.  Meaning they'll get a head start on life by having their first home, even if it's a modest 2 bdrm flat in Glasgow, to own free and clear.  That's a big leg up on life.  And they know and appreciate it.

My folks bought me a car quite a few years back, when we were living pretty lean, two young kids and bills to pay.  They could.  I accepted.  It was most appreciated.

But I've certainly told my dad that his "estate" is his -- he has it as he needs it, it's there to provide for his life, expenses, and care.  He doesn't need to be trying to make sure he leaves some to me.  If there's money left at the end of his life, we'll take it.  If not, it means he planned well and wisely, and had enough to take care of himself.

The key is "entitlement," in my mind.  Anything you get from your parents, be grateful for, and understand that it also brings them some happiness to be able to help.  But when you expect it, or feel entitled to it....not great.

This, along with most of the thrust of this thread, is why I firmly believe that privilege is the greatest thing you can provide and then bequeath your children. The more benefits and privilege our younger ones have as they start in life, the more likely they will be comfortable and then have children (your grandchildren) who will then further benefit. Obviously it's not a science and sure thing-- kids can be stupid and make stupid decisions that ruin their lives or get unlucky.

That said and at the risk of sounding discriminatory, I absolutely have different standards that apply to sons and daughters. With a son, I'm a lot more comfortable throwing them out to the wild and letting them pay their dues and ride the struggle bus for a bit (with our help to backstop any real problems) and have a son fail a bit in the real world. My sons knew at 18 they were to be in college out of the house and after college they aren't moving back in. Figure it out, use your training and privilege we've provided, and we are here to help if you really need it, etc.

With daughters we were different. They were given a longer leash so they didn't feel the need or pressure to be in bad or abusive relationships or jobs or feel like they had to endure bad situations to get by or to make it.

As much as I'd like to believe otherwise, my belief is still that society is set up better for a man to succeed than a woman which is why I had more grace and patience with their situations financially.

Edited December 22, 2022 by HamsterHookah

[HamsterHookah 112]

3 hours ago, Nice Guy Eddie said:

the key is being the children of the person who actually makes the generational wealth since 70% of those children spend it to where not much is passed onto the next generation. Less than 10% make it past the 2nd generation.

https://www.encyclopedia.com/humanities/dictionaries-thesauruses-pictures-and-press-releases/shirtsleeves-shirtsleeves-three-generations

shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations, from proverbial saying, early 20th century; meaning that wealth gained in one generation will be lost by the third. The saying is often attributed to the Scottish-born American industrialist and philanthropist Andrew Carnegie (1835–1919) but is not found in his writings.

[Celery Man 21,025]

Lots of “I don’t care but” followed hundreds of words of caring in this thread.

 

Peepaw grew up on a farm in Jack County and a was a math prof at UNT. Lived in a house that if it still exists is probably worth… whatever 1k sq/ft ranches in Denton go for these days. But he gave his adult children and their spouses 10k each every year for estate planning purposes, presumably because he never spent a dime. No idea when he started doing it, I only know because when my mom died he split her 10k amongst my sisters and I.  And man, $3333 as a 16 year old, I thought I was rich af. Sometimes I’d miser it out over the course of a year, sometimes I’d buy a guitar. Last slightly larger chunk I got when Meemaw kicked it and presumably the bulk went to their kids I put it in AAPL where it sits today. Peepaw would never stop laughing at the return on that.

[Clintonaldo 2,577]

On 12/21/2022 at 4:14 PM, Gooby said:

We have neighbors across the street that we absolutely love, but we've noticed an alarming trend of late.  

A little backstory:  Our neighbor's dad is a defense attorney who obviously makes a fuckton.  They have a huge house in Hedwig Village, according to social media posts, as well as several club memberships, his and hers Mercedes and all the other trappings of an extremely successful life and career.  Their daughter is 35 years old and lives with her husband and three kids (Ages 2, 4 and 10) across the street from us.  Neighbor husband is higher-up in a home healthcare company, while neighbor wife works from home with her Rodan and Fields business and camps out on Instagram all day, so there is income coming in to that house, but obviously not enough to suit her lifestyle.

Recently, she revealed to my wife and I that both she and her husband are on her parents' cell phone plan and they don't pay a dime for phones.  Even the 10 year old has the latest IPhone, because why not?  The invited us over a couple weeks back and she let it slip that her parents pay for all of the streaming services that they have, and with kids, they have several.  Her mom and dad also pay for their membership to the local country club, where they frequently go for lunch and to swim during the summer so they don't have to fraternize with the hoi polloi at the public pools.  As we speak, they are currently in New York celebrating the 10 year old's birthday, while the younger two stayed home with the other grandparents.  Our neighbors are staying at the Hilton in Times Square, went to the Statue of Liberty, skating at Rockefeller Plaza and have seen both 'Wicked' and 'Aladdin' on Broadway.  Her mom and dad are on the trip, and obviously paying for everything.  How do I know this?  Because she mentioned it on her fucking IG story. Honestly, I don't really know if the neighbors are making a house payment, or if mom and dad are paying for that too.  

The day I walked across the stage to graduate college was the day my parents told me that they were done paying for my ass.  There have been times when I've needed a loan, but it was just that...a loan that I paid back in full.  I find that I have this growing resentment toward my neighbors because of the handouts they're getting from her folks.  My wife and I both bust our asses to have what we have, but I think what makes me the maddest is that our neighbors couldn't believe that we pay for all our shit ourselves.  They literally sat across from us at their dinner table slackjawed when I told them what we were paying in cell phone expenses each month.  She said "You're not on your parents' plan?" No, goddammit.  I'm a grown up.

Anyone else experiencing this phenomenon?  We really enjoy having them as neighbors, and I know that a lot of this is jealousy, but the shine has kind of rubbed off of our relationship.

 

Just ask them for the money Eddie. They sure as hell can’t take a hint. 

[Clintonaldo 2,577]

16 hours ago, Nice Guy Eddie said:

Out of curiosity does anyone feel or would feel differently about accepting money from their spouse’s parents as opposed to their own? Maybe I’m just overly insecure but I wouldn’t want even the slightest hint that I couldn’t afford to take care of my family myself.

overall on this topic there are a million variations. In my family, it’s some adult children dependent on their fixed income mom hanging out a $1000 each month that the mom can’t afford. And if mom had a financial crisis there would be $0 going the other direction.

I love my father in law but I could never take his money. We had a hard time getting someone come out to fix our dryer a few weeks ago and the sonofabitch just bought one for us and had it delivered and didn’t tell us until the movers were an hour away. I was kind of pissed about it because I didn’t ask or need his help. I felt like a child. 

[babysdaddy 2,730]

Sounds like your son should be looking at this girl to be more than just a friend.

Don’t ever marry a girl that you can’t wallet whip

[fattyflattie 4,639]

1 hour ago, babysdaddy said:

Don’t ever marry a girl that you can’t wallet whip

Horrible advice.   

[Chewbacca 7,788]

4 minutes ago, fattyflattie said:

Horrible advice.   

sounds like you need to make more money.

[fattyflattie 4,639]

Just now, Chewbacca said:

sounds like you need to make more money.

I do, but that’s besides the point.  I’ve also got a rich friend who (if he can keep it together) will have great grandkids that never work rich.  She inherited something like 35k acres of south Texas oil patch.  And is hot as fuck.   Talk about a lottery winner winning a second time.  Guy was already very connected and money was no issue, now it’s just stupid.  

[Sbbruin 21,908]

One of my closest friends just has never gotten traction in really developing a career.  Lateral moves for 30 years.  Wonderful guy, love him to death, but it’s just sad to see the constant struggle.  He lost his gig at the beginning of the pandemic and has never really gotten anything going.  I know it’s tough for him because almost all of our friends are reasonably to very successful.  And he’s not.  Married with 3 kids and wife is the bread winner but as a marriage and family therapy counselor. It has caused major strain on their relationship.  But his parents are wealthy.and I know for a fact they cover a lot of their expenses.  What percentage I have no idea.  Personally I’ve never relied on parents or in-laws for a dime, except loans to by our first house, which have long since been repaid in full.  
 

Oh and his dad is a corporate defense attorneys with clients the like of which include Phillip Morris.  

[Bill Lumbergh 7,187]

To the OP, you might be surprised how your neighbor actually views the situation.  Long post here, but I've seen very good and very bad in these situations and just wanted to share both.

My wife made a friend several years ago and we got to know her and her husband reasonably well.  Both wives were pregnant and getting ready to have our first kids.

We've been fortunate financially.  My wife had a successful career before staying home with our kids and I've made a couple of high risk career moves that have paid off.  Right place, right time, and some hard work to be fair.

We live well below our means.  My family didn't have much, and her dad passed when she was young and her mom wasted his life insurance so nothing was left for the kids, which has resulted in her having fears about running out of money despite us being quite secure.

Anyway, we start getting to know this couple, he's in real estate and she stays home.  Seems normal on the surface.  He's kind of a douchebag, though, and really wants to talk about money a lot which I do not.  Shortly after meeting us, they buy a new house, just a little nicer than ours.  We were happy for them with the new family.  A little later they buy an investment property not long after we talked with them about our rental that we originally bought because my mother in law couldn't afford a place to live (we later converted to a rental).  We start noticing some interesting things, like they go on extravagant vacations but only ever with his family.  Then one day he shows up bragging about buying an $80k Mercedes on a whim, which pissed the wife off because he had just a month earlier made them fire their 2x/week mom's helper citing how expensive it was.

Not shockingly they got divorced a few years later, and only in the divorce did we learn a lot of what happened behind the scenes.  The guy's real estate career was a complete sham.  His dad was an extremely successful doctor and his mom an attorney, and they were loaded beyond belief.  Maybe out of guilt for being absentee parents, they paid for everything.  Like, everything.  The house, the rental, the car, the vacations, private school for the kids...all of it.  The only real estate he'd ever really sell was when his parents would use their influence over people with money to convince them to use him, which the wife said they usually got a terrible deal bc he has no idea what he's doing.

The craziest part was she said meeting us drove him crazy.  She said he had never had independently financially successful friends and felt desperate for validation.  She said the day after they came to our house for the first time, and our house is not flashy at all but was nicer than the one they lived in, he told her they were moving and called his parents to say they needed to upgrade.  When we would take vacations, he would call his parents and say they needed a vacation.  After we told him about our rental, he called his parents that week and asked them to "be financial partners" in a rental investment.  He asked his parents for money for the car and his mom told him they had to fire the mom's helper if he wanted money for the car, bc why were they subsidizing a stay at home mom?

That last part was the worst of it.  Apparently the parents absolutely leveraged the money over the entire family and expected complete say and compliance on everything across all the kids' families.  Or you're cut off, which he is terrified of because he presents his life as self made.

It all was pretty pathetic, but also pretty sad.  She said he viewed us as the people he wanted to be, financially stable/comfortable independently, and semi obsessed over validation from us.  Meanwhile, we were obvious to 90% of this the entire time and rarely thought of him when not with them.

Sadly, she got screwed in the divorce for the most part bc nothing was really "his" and his parents hired an army of lawyers that made the divorce very hard and expensive for her to keep fighting.  He bet that she would cave, and she did.  Now he's weaponizing the parents money with their kids, and we just keep reassuring her that as they get older they'll see him for who he really is...a terribly insecure and bad person who is unlikely to ever really do anything of value with his life.

There's another side to these stories, too.  One of my wife's other friends had a dad who founded an oil company and sold it in the 80s.  Her brother has taken a $200-300k a year job there with a cushy title and almost no real responsibility.  She says her dad was completely absent in her childhood and she resented him for it, and turned down his offer for financial support many times in the past.  She met her husband when she was managing a bar and he was working construction.  They live a very normal middle class life.

As they started having kids, her dad had a heart to heart with her about regretting the dad he was and wanting to make it up by being in her life at this stage and being close with the grandkids.  She forgave him and they've formed a good adult relationship, and he is very close and very involved in the grandkids lives.  Around a year ago, she called my wife beside herself to say that her dad called and was giving her a $30m trust, effective immediately.  He asked her please not to turn it down, but to use it so they could have a good life.  He also offered some guidance on how to use it to make their lives better without creating trouble in their lives.

That same day her husband quit his construction job, but they made no other big life changes.  They still live in the same home, drive the same cars, etc.  Maybe they take a bit nicer trips, eat a bit nicer meals out, but she said they only draw what her husband was making in salary from the trust each month.  They figure at that rate they'll never run out and should have plenty to leave the kids.  Her husband, instead of doing nothing, immediately started buying houses that need fixing up and is using his construction knowledge and contacts to flip properties as a job now.  He's his own boss and I've never seen him happier.

This is how it should be.  My wife has said that she's made comments that she's not sure she wouldn't trade all of this for actually having a relationship with her dad growing up.  But that wasn't a choice for her, and she is making a good decision for her family, and never begged or changed how she wanted to live her life to get this. It happened because their relationship was repaired later in life and the dad wanted to give this to his kids and grandkids.

They're still the most down to earth people you'll ever meet and we couldn't be happier for this unexpected and amazing turn in life they're experiencing.

I only share these two stories to say: there are often a lot of complicated family dynamics behind the scenes in these situations and don't assume with surface level visibility you understand how things really are.  If they're good people before you knew they had the money or where they got it, they're still good people after, and vice versa.  Be thankful for what your family has.  If you provide it for them on your own, take pride in that.  If you get support, be thankful for that, don't waste it, and don't be an ass about it.  Be thankful for whatever you have.  Plenty will have better and worse, and no matter where you are in the spectrum you can drive yourself crazy worrying about what others have and how they have it.

[aggie08 21,575]

10 hours ago, fattyflattie said:

Horrible advice.   

Seriously. What the fuck? I highly recommend marrying a woman who makes more money than you.

 

Also, if it hasn't already been said, the OP reads like something from Quora. 

[fattyflattie 4,639]

5 minutes ago, aggie08 said:

Seriously. What the fuck? I highly recommend marrying a woman who makes more money than you.

 

Also, if it hasn't already been said, the OP reads like something from Quora. 

Did you read it wrong, or did I?   Don’t marry a woman you can’t wallet whip?   I believe you and I are saying the same thing. 

[aggie08 21,575]

1 minute ago, fattyflattie said:

Did you read it wrong, or did I?   Don’t marry a woman you can’t wallet whip?   I believe you and I are saying the same thing. 

Sorry, I was agreeing with you. I was emphasizing your point with "Seriously." Not questioning it.