Do you have friends who still heavily rely on their parents' money?

[fattyflattie 4639]

Just now, aggie08 said:

Sorry, I was agreeing with you. I was emphasizing your point with "Seriously." Not questioning it.

Gotcha.  Yeah, no ego here, honey. Go win that bread. 

[ztejas 43419]

26 minutes ago, aggie08 said:

Seriously. What the fuck? I highly recommend marrying a woman who makes more money than you.

Some men have small penises.

[gmr548 16576]

Bingo.  Hell, my son just got home from college in the UK yesterday.  He took a train down to London from Glasgow, and spent the night before his flight at one of his friend's house.  They live in a fucking ESTATE north of London.  He was telling me "shit, I knew they had money, but they're fucking LOADED."  But he commented that she's just a regular cool chick, her parents were friendly and welcoming, and didn't put on airs.  They have a full bar (he says "dad, I don't mean a stocked liquor cabinet like we have -- I mean an ACTUAL FULL BAR, LIKE YOU'D SEE IN A PUB") downstairs (so they spent the night drinking and having laughs).  But he recognized and appreciated that she had money and privilege, but remains grounded and goodhearted, AND that her parents are similar.

You should be offering seven goats and your old truck for your son to marry into this family.

[Texzilla58 4733]

I have a friend who is 78. Wife is 80. She has three daughters from previous marriages and she still provides around $60k a year to each. She was successful in real estate. Her kids are bums that married bums. Pisses him off. He made every dime he has which is sizable and he still works. Both were in Japanese-American internment camps. Their families had nothing when they returned to LA.

[gmr548 16576]

Personally I’ve never relied on parents or in-laws for a dime, except loans to by our first house, which have long since been repaid in full.  

This is not a personal attack, because people say stuff like this all the time, but that’s, uh, quite the caveat.

“I’ve never relied on parents or in laws for a dime, except for that one time they gave us thousands of dollars for the most significant financial investment of our lives, with zero interest, zero collateral, and zero recourse.”

Like I said, not a personal attack. People do it all the time. I don’t begrudge you for it and I’d gladly give my hypothetical kids down payment money in the future if I was able. But in a thread that was started over shock that parents cover adult children’s phone bills or streaming services, it’s worth pointing out that millennials/gen z hear this sort of thing from older generations and just sort of laugh.

[Liquor and Poker 3659]

There is a person I know who is an equity partner at a pretty major law firm and basically lives off her parents.  But it’s kind of a grift.  She has a few houses, including ones in RO and West U.  She would just rather spend their money on stuff like cell phones and groceries.  
 

The parents seem fine with it, though, so maybe “grift” is the wrong word - I will admit to a fair amount of jealousy when I pay big things like my property taxes. 

[Guest]

21 minutes ago, gmr548 said:

This is not a personal attack, because people say stuff like this all the time, but that’s, uh, quite the caveat.

“I’ve never relied on parents or in laws for a dime, except for that one time they gave us thousands of dollars for the most significant financial investment of our lives, with zero interest, zero collateral, and zero recourse.”

Like I said, not a personal attack. People do it all the time. I don’t begrudge you for it and I’d gladly give my hypothetical kids down payment money in the future if I was able. But in a thread that was started over shock that parents cover adult children’s phone bills or streaming services, it’s worth pointing out that millennials/gen z hear this sort of thing from older generations and just sort of laugh.

If I pay off a loan for my kid at $X and they pay me back $X, it's nothing like paying the phone bills on a regular basis on the mooch.  Not sure why you conflate them the same way.  Yes, my child benefits by not having to pay interest, but I'm also not out anything beyond the risk of fronting the principal.

There's also the differentiating factor between a parent offering up that deal to cover the loan and little bitchass spawn feeling entitled to shit.  Those are different experiences altogether, IMHO.

Edited December 23, 2022 by slorch

[aggie08 21497]

Just now, slorch said:

If I pay off a loan for my kid at $X and they pay me back $X, it's nothing like paying the phone bills on a regular basis on the mooch.  Not sure why you conflate them the same way.  Yes, my child benefits by not having to pay interest, but I'm also not out anything beyond the risk of fronting the principal.

I swear, you have to purposely work this hard to completely miss the point.

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, aggie08 said:

I swear, you have to purposely work this hard to completely miss the point.

I disagree with the point.  One is about dependency.  One is about benefitting your kids.

If course you want to be sly, so what the fuck ever.

Edited December 23, 2022 by slorch

[Spankytoes 1739]

We bought our kids brand new cars in 2020, make them pay for half the car insurance, pay for their health insurance, cell phones and charge each $400 a month in rent to live in our TX house with a pool in exchange for maintaining said house/pool since we live in NY. (Just paid the house off in June; purchased in 2001) My oldest has graduated college and makes $60K a year as a database admin. We paid for his college 100% and are paying for our youngest’s education for another 2 years. Their only bills are gas, internet and groceries. They both max out their 401K as a condition for cheap rent. 
 

They’re both good kids and we’ve engrained the importance of savings, good credit and working hard in them. Don’t see what’s wrong with giving your kids a leg up on life if you can.

[hayden_horn 11362]

21 minutes ago, gmr548 said:

This is not a personal attack, because people say stuff like this all the time, but that’s, uh, quite the caveat.

“I’ve never relied on parents or in laws for a dime, except for that one time they gave us thousands of dollars for the most significant financial investment of our lives, with zero interest, zero collateral, and zero recourse.”

Like I said, not a personal attack. People do it all the time. I don’t begrudge you for it and I’d gladly give my hypothetical kids down payment money in the future if I was able. But in a thread that was started over shock that parents cover adult children’s phone bills or streaming services, it’s worth pointing out that millennials/gen z hear this sort of thing from older generations and just sort of laugh.

i just think people minimize the help they get and maximize their own personal achievements. it's easy to do and you see it all the time.

this example of essentially "free capital" is a perfect case. yeah, it got paid back, but what it you didn't have access to it in the first place? 

you'd be stuck. and a lot of people are currently stuck like that. without help from my mom, i'm not in my house currently. this is not to say i didn't work hard to pay off debt, build a career, put my wife through grad school, blahblahblah yeah, all that happened. could it have happened without help? yes. 10 years from now. also read: never. 

im not ashamed, i'm fortunate. my mom worked hard. she wants top pay that forward. that's fine. i feel no shame accepting help. when you need it, you need it. when it can be....helpful, take the fucking help. it's not charity. even if it is, take the help and fucking pay it forward. 

if you did or do not have the chance to accept help - don't kid yourself. you've had help; and you would accept more if it was available. i have friends who have probably WAY more help than i do. i don't know, nor do i care. none of the people i know are deadbeats, and neither am i. we all work hard and have made sacrifice after sacrifice for our kids and families - things that cannot be measured in dollars. 

i do know i couldn't be friends with a deadbeat. i have empathy for days, but if you ain't at least trying, i have zero time for you.

[ztejas 43419]

2 minutes ago, Spankytoes said:

We bought our kids brand new cars in 2020, make them pay for half the car insurance, pay for their health insurance, cell phones and charge each $400 a month in rent to live in our TX house with a pool in exchange for maintaining said house/pool since we live in NY. (Just paid the house off in June; purchased in 2001) My oldest has graduated college and makes $60K a year as a database admin. We paid for his college 100% and are paying for our youngest’s education for another 2 years. Their only bills are gas, internet and groceries. They both max out their 401K as a condition for cheap rent. 
 

They’re both good kids and we’ve engrained the importance of savings, good credit and working hard in them. Don’t see what’s wrong with giving your kids a leg up on life if you can.

Are you adopting? 

[hayden_horn 11362]

13 minutes ago, slorch said:

If I pay off a loan for my kid at $X and they pay me back $X, it's nothing like paying the phone bills on a regular basis on the mooch.  Not sure why you conflate them the same way.  Yes, my child benefits by not having to pay interest, but I'm also not out anything beyond the risk of fronting the principal.

There's also the differentiating factor between a parent offering up that deal to cover the loan and little bitchass spawn feeling entitled to shit.  Those are different experiences altogether, IMHO.

fuck's sake, slorch.

you go so far out of your way to make villains, it's pathological. 

like, i don't know how you get through your day. 

[Guest]

Nobody’s a ‘villain’ other than you folks looking for one. Lolz

You feel like there’s no difference between the situations?  Because behaviorally, they’re lightyears apart. 

Edited December 23, 2022 by slorch

[aggie08 21497]

6 minutes ago, hayden_horn said:

like, i don't know how you get through your day. 

C'mon, somebody say it. Come on...

"By his boot straps!"

[Sbbruin 21845]

59 minutes ago, gmr548 said:

This is not a personal attack, because people say stuff like this all the time, but that’s, uh, quite the caveat.

“I’ve never relied on parents or in laws for a dime, except for that one time they gave us thousands of dollars for the most significant financial investment of our lives, with zero interest, zero collateral, and zero recourse.”

Like I said, not a personal attack. People do it all the time. I don’t begrudge you for it and I’d gladly give my hypothetical kids down payment money in the future if I was able. But in a thread that was started over shock that parents cover adult children’s phone bills or streaming services, it’s worth pointing out that millennials/gen z hear this sort of thing from older generations and just sort of laugh.

 

oh and FWIW, my FIL did charge me interest, at whatever rate my primary mortgage was.  It started at 6%, but I refinanced 3 times in 4 years as rates dropped.  And this thread was about parents/in-laws flat out covering bills.

Edited December 23, 2022 by Sbbruin

[Guest]

18 minutes ago, Spankytoes said:

We bought our kids brand new cars in 2020, make them pay for half the car insurance, pay for their health insurance, cell phones and charge each $400 a month in rent to live in our TX house with a pool in exchange for maintaining said house/pool since we live in NY. (Just paid the house off in June; purchased in 2001) My oldest has graduated college and makes $60K a year as a database admin. We paid for his college 100% and are paying for our youngest’s education for another 2 years. Their only bills are gas, internet and groceries. They both max out their 401K as a condition for cheap rent. 
 

They’re both good kids and we’ve engrained the importance of savings, good credit and working hard in them. Don’t see what’s wrong with giving your kids a leg up on life if you can.

Damn that's a sweet deal for them.

[Celery Man 20935]

To me a deadbeat is someone who doesn’t keep his word and doesn‘t make himself useful, broadly. I agree strongly with the sentiment that arrogant entitled deadbeats are the worst. But benefitting from family wealth even directly doesn’t make you that, necessarily.

You’d have to achieve Buddha levels of enlightenment to never look at others and judge a bit, and to never judge others as a means to justify good things you want to believe about yourself. It’s pretty basic human nature, but it’s a flaw. Whether you’re judging the grown man getting checks from daddy or someone buying Cheetos with an ebt card. It’s negative and part of being insecure. The resistance to recognizing the help and privilege you’ve had along the way to help you get to where you are (whether it’s because of wealth, race, family stability, even luck) is another side of that same coin. If you want to be a man, try to understand yourself with honesty and humility. Doesn’t mean you can’t still take pride in having worked hard, procured you did it.

 

all of y’all who need a wife you can wallet whip can leave Julia Louis-Dreyfuss to me.

[babysdaddy 2721]

my wallet whip comment was more about making sure you cut off help from outside your own house.  Nobody needs a husband or a wife that every time they want something (and can't afford it with what they make) just run to mom or dad.  Dynamics of a marriage become difficult.  

[aggie08 21497]

8 minutes ago, slorch said:

Nobody’s a ‘villain’ other than you folks looking for one. Lolz

You feel like there’s no difference between the situations?  Because behaviorally, they’re lightyears apart. 

Slorch, the point is that most young adults in today's society--for a variety of reasons--aren't in a position to acquire property,  nor do they have parents willing to help them meet those high initial costs. So they don't get that tremendous leg up on life that is equity, thus not escaping the rent money pit. I'm sure they'd trade their phone bill being paid for a fucking down payment in a heartbeat. Maybe a phone bill is the best their parents could do to support? Maybe who gives a shit, mind your business?

The point was not which action creates more dependent behavior.

But I think you know that.

[Celery Man 20935]

While being dependent on daddy money is only a possible outcome where one receives daddy money, the gifting of daddy money is not actually the root cause.

[HamsterHookah 112]

Some good anecdotes on this one that reinforce for me why I don’t take family help anymore. It’s tempting to because “why not?” If they want to pay for vacations and pay for random stuff, but I hate the nagging feeling of being obligated or indebted to someone, even if it’s tacit. Even if the other party doesn’t see it that way, if I still feel like I can’t make autonomous decisions because I’m in debt to someone, I don’t want it.

In this sense, paying for things 100% equals complete freedom, and that’s what I value most as someone who can afford my lifestyle probably once over at this point.

Edited December 23, 2022 by HamsterHookah

[Aqua Buddha 14591]

1 hour ago, hayden_horn said:

i just think people minimize the help they get and maximize their own personal achievements. it's easy to do and you see it all the time.

this example of essentially "free capital" is a perfect case. yeah, it got paid back, but what it you didn't have access to it in the first place? 

you'd be stuck. and a lot of people are currently stuck like that. without help from my mom, i'm not in my house currently. this is not to say i didn't work hard to pay off debt, build a career, put my wife through grad school, blahblahblah yeah, all that happened. could it have happened without help? yes. 10 years from now. also read: never. 

im not ashamed, i'm fortunate. my mom worked hard. she wants top pay that forward. that's fine. i feel no shame accepting help. when you need it, you need it. when it can be....helpful, take the fucking help. it's not charity. even if it is, take the help and fucking pay it forward. 

if you did or do not have the chance to accept help - don't kid yourself. you've had help; and you would accept more if it was available. i have friends who have probably WAY more help than i do. i don't know, nor do i care. none of the people i know are deadbeats, and neither am i. we all work hard and have made sacrifice after sacrifice for our kids and families - things that cannot be measured in dollars. 

i do know i couldn't be friends with a deadbeat. i have empathy for days, but if you ain't at least trying, i have zero time for you.

Success is a combination of hard work, talent, and luck.  No one does it alone.

[RDCanecutter 26413]

3 hours ago, Bill Lumbergh said:

To the OP, you might be surprised how your neighbor actually views the situation.  Long post here, but I've seen very good and very bad in these situations and just wanted to share both.

My wife made a friend several years ago and we got to know her and her husband reasonably well.  Both wives were pregnant and getting ready to have our first kids.

We've been fortunate financially.  My wife had a successful career before staying home with our kids and I've made a couple of high risk career moves that have paid off.  Right place, right time, and some hard work to be fair.

We live well below our means.  My family didn't have much, and her dad passed when she was young and her mom wasted his life insurance so nothing was left for the kids, which has resulted in her having fears about running out of money despite us being quite secure.

Anyway, we start getting to know this couple, he's in real estate and she stays home.  Seems normal on the surface.  He's kind of a douchebag, though, and really wants to talk about money a lot which I do not.  Shortly after meeting us, they buy a new house, just a little nicer than ours.  We were happy for them with the new family.  A little later they buy an investment property not long after we talked with them about our rental that we originally bought because my mother in law couldn't afford a place to live (we later converted to a rental).  We start noticing some interesting things, like they go on extravagant vacations but only ever with his family.  Then one day he shows up bragging about buying an $80k Mercedes on a whim, which pissed the wife off because he had just a month earlier made them fire their 2x/week mom's helper citing how expensive it was.

Not shockingly they got divorced a few years later, and only in the divorce did we learn a lot of what happened behind the scenes.  The guy's real estate career was a complete sham.  His dad was an extremely successful doctor and his mom an attorney, and they were loaded beyond belief.  Maybe out of guilt for being absentee parents, they paid for everything.  Like, everything.  The house, the rental, the car, the vacations, private school for the kids...all of it.  The only real estate he'd ever really sell was when his parents would use their influence over people with money to convince them to use him, which the wife said they usually got a terrible deal bc he has no idea what he's doing.

The craziest part was she said meeting us drove him crazy.  She said he had never had independently financially successful friends and felt desperate for validation.  She said the day after they came to our house for the first time, and our house is not flashy at all but was nicer than the one they lived in, he told her they were moving and called his parents to say they needed to upgrade.  When we would take vacations, he would call his parents and say they needed a vacation.  After we told him about our rental, he called his parents that week and asked them to "be financial partners" in a rental investment.  He asked his parents for money for the car and his mom told him they had to fire the mom's helper if he wanted money for the car, bc why were they subsidizing a stay at home mom?

That last part was the worst of it.  Apparently the parents absolutely leveraged the money over the entire family and expected complete say and compliance on everything across all the kids' families.  Or you're cut off, which he is terrified of because he presents his life as self made.

It all was pretty pathetic, but also pretty sad.  She said he viewed us as the people he wanted to be, financially stable/comfortable independently, and semi obsessed over validation from us.  Meanwhile, we were obvious to 90% of this the entire time and rarely thought of him when not with them.

Sadly, she got screwed in the divorce for the most part bc nothing was really "his" and his parents hired an army of lawyers that made the divorce very hard and expensive for her to keep fighting.  He bet that she would cave, and she did.  Now he's weaponizing the parents money with their kids, and we just keep reassuring her that as they get older they'll see him for who he really is...a terribly insecure and bad person who is unlikely to ever really do anything of value with his life.

There's another side to these stories, too.  One of my wife's other friends had a dad who founded an oil company and sold it in the 80s.  Her brother has taken a $200-300k a year job there with a cushy title and almost no real responsibility.  She says her dad was completely absent in her childhood and she resented him for it, and turned down his offer for financial support many times in the past.  She met her husband when she was managing a bar and he was working construction.  They live a very normal middle class life.

As they started having kids, her dad had a heart to heart with her about regretting the dad he was and wanting to make it up by being in her life at this stage and being close with the grandkids.  She forgave him and they've formed a good adult relationship, and he is very close and very involved in the grandkids lives.  Around a year ago, she called my wife beside herself to say that her dad called and was giving her a $30m trust, effective immediately.  He asked her please not to turn it down, but to use it so they could have a good life.  He also offered some guidance on how to use it to make their lives better without creating trouble in their lives.

That same day her husband quit his construction job, but they made no other big life changes.  They still live in the same home, drive the same cars, etc.  Maybe they take a bit nicer trips, eat a bit nicer meals out, but she said they only draw what her husband was making in salary from the trust each month.  They figure at that rate they'll never run out and should have plenty to leave the kids.  Her husband, instead of doing nothing, immediately started buying houses that need fixing up and is using his construction knowledge and contacts to flip properties as a job now.  He's his own boss and I've never seen him happier.

This is how it should be.  My wife has said that she's made comments that she's not sure she wouldn't trade all of this for actually having a relationship with her dad growing up.  But that wasn't a choice for her, and she is making a good decision for her family, and never begged or changed how she wanted to live her life to get this. It happened because their relationship was repaired later in life and the dad wanted to give this to his kids and grandkids.

They're still the most down to earth people you'll ever meet and we couldn't be happier for this unexpected and amazing turn in life they're experiencing.

I only share these two stories to say: there are often a lot of complicated family dynamics behind the scenes in these situations and don't assume with surface level visibility you understand how things really are.  If they're good people before you knew they had the money or where they got it, they're still good people after, and vice versa.  Be thankful for what your family has.  If you provide it for them on your own, take pride in that.  If you get support, be thankful for that, don't waste it, and don't be an ass about it.  Be thankful for whatever you have.  Plenty will have better and worse, and no matter where you are in the spectrum you can drive yourself crazy worrying about what others have and how they have it.

The first story has some good telenovela scenes, but needs more beautiful people screaming at each other in Spanish from halfway up the grand staircase.

[Biff Tannen 45676]

48 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

 

 

all of y’all who need a wife you can wallet whip can leave Julia Louis-Dreyfuss to me.

I'll fucking fight you.  So will @YGIFS and several others.

[royiv 9293]

1 hour ago, gmr548 said:

This is not a personal attack, because people say stuff like this all the time, but that’s, uh, quite the caveat.

“I’ve never relied on parents or in laws for a dime, except for that one time they gave us thousands of dollars for the most significant financial investment of our lives, with zero interest, zero collateral, and zero recourse.”

Like I said, not a personal attack. People do it all the time. I don’t begrudge you for it and I’d gladly give my hypothetical kids down payment money in the future if I was able. But in a thread that was started over shock that parents cover adult children’s phone bills or streaming services, it’s worth pointing out that millennials/gen z hear this sort of thing from older generations and just sort of laugh.

I would have been embarrassed to ask my parents for a loan for a down payment on my first home. They did more than enough by raising me and providing for me through my first 1.5 years of college. 

[Sandman 3403]

I think if a parent wnts to do things for their children, that's their choice. I didn't ask my folks for much, maybe babysitting when the kids were small. But if they offered? You bet your ass I'm accepting. 

20+ years ago, my twins were in preschool and I was drving a 1993 Pathfinder. It was paid off and ran fine, not that it mattered because we couldn't afford anything else. It fit the double stroller and all the other shit. My mom felt differently. "I don't like you driving the kids around in that old car.", she said one day. I told her that's too bad because it's what I can afford. She said she'd trade me her 2001 Mazda SUV for my car and she'd trade it in for something new for herself. Done and done, you bet I jumped on that deal. 

"We want to buy XYZ for the kids", go for it. "Here's our old [hosehold appliance], we're getting a new one", I'll take it. When I moved into my house 13 years ago, my dad decided to buy us a washer and dryer. He had gobs of money and won't miss it, I said knock yourself out. But I never would've asked him for a dime.

[Brisketexan 105097]

You should be offering seven goats and your old truck for your son to marry into this family.

Shit….I’m short exactly seven goats.

Can you spot me till I’m, uhh, better situated?

Success is a combination of hard work, talent, and luck.  No one does it alone.

Perfect short-form post. It’s that true and simple, and I wish more folks understood that. YES, I am very capable and worked very hard to get where I am….but I also had parents who provided a safe and stable home, sacrificed to send me to good schools, and then when college and law school came, the State of Texas invested in me and provided quite the helping hand. I was lucky to have the family I had and to have lived in the time I did. I had plenty of help along the way.

And one thing my wife and I are doing is paying for our kids’ education, 100%. We think that one of the greatest gifts we can give them is to put them in a position to start their adult lives debt-free. We’re fortunate to be able to do so. And that understand that and are grateful.

[Aqua Buddha 14591]

44 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

 

Shit….I’m short exactly seven goats.

Can you spot me till I’m, uhh, better situated?



Perfect short-form post. It’s that true and simple, and I wish more folks understood that. YES, I am very capable and worked very hard to get where I am….but I also had parents who provided a safe and stable home, sacrificed to send me to good schools, and then when college and law school came, the State of Texas invested in me and provided quite the helping hand. I was lucky to have the family I had and to have lived in the time I did. I had plenty of help along the way.

And one thing my wife and I are doing is paying for our kids’ education, 100%. We think that one of the greatest gifts we can give them is to put them in a position to start their adult lives debt-free. We’re fortunate to be able to do so. And that understand that and are grateful.

 

When I say "inheritance is the great unseen hand of wealth in America," this is part of what I'm talking about.  People think inheritance is some pile of money when someone dies but it's also, along the way, you get money for school, houses, etc., and what you're doing for your kids is far more beneficial than holding onto some cash until you die.  Being a debt free twentysoemthing college graduate is an incredible gift and they'll start out 2-3 spots ahead than other kids.

[ztejas 43419]

An angle I haven't seen touched on is that sometimes you get help without asking for it or even being able to turn it down. I was having dinner with my dad recently and he brought up that the organization which held some of my student loans was getting out of the business and forgiving everyone's balances. He knew this and I didn't because - as a cosigner of the loan - he had been paying the ~$200/mo or whatever it was without me knowing since I graduated. I didn't realize it because I figured it was just part of the main balance that I've made payments on in the past. And it's not like they were trying to track me down as the payments were coming in on time. 

I obviously told him he didn't have to do that but he just brushed it off. 

I think a lot of this stuff is generational, too. I know his parents did stuff like that for him and if I have kids I'd like to be able to do stuff like that for them, too. 

[40acredropout 2902]

I fucking hate my parents.

[deadshank 24652]

5 minutes ago, 40acredropout said:

I fucking hate my parents.

That's a shame.

Why?

[Sbbruin 21845]

31 minutes ago, 40acredropout said:

I fucking hate my parents.

Ok.  Care to elaborate?

[Brisketexan 105097]

36 minutes ago, 40acredropout said:

I fucking hate my parents.

[Surly] Many of us really, really like your mom.  [/Surly]

Right?  

[40acredropout 2902]

33 minutes ago, deadshank said:

That's a shame.

Why?

7 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

Ok.  Care to elaborate?

Poor attempt of humor and dumb thing to say.  I don't hate them.

Their lack of financial support has probably actually been a net positive for me in the long run.  Still, even recognizing that and that the grass isn't always greener, I can't help but be envious of those whose shitty, absentee parents at least bankrolled a posh lifestyle.  Probably reflects poorly on me but I think it's a natural reaction.

17 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

[Surly] Many of us really, really like your mom.  [/Surly]

Right?  

I doubt even those of you with the lowest standards would want a piece of that (no pics).  

[deadshank 24652]

46 minutes ago, 40acredropout said:

Poor attempt of humor and dumb thing to say.  I don't hate them.

Their lack of financial support has probably actually been a net positive for me in the long run.  Still, even recognizing that and that the grass isn't always greener, I can't help but be envious of those whose shitty, absentee parents at least bankrolled a posh lifestyle.  Probably reflects poorly on me but I think it's a natural reaction.

 

That’s a relief to know you don’t hate your parents. 
 

Regarding this topic, I don’t understand those that envy or are upset by what others get, have, attain, fall in to, are born into, etc.  

Money and “stuff” don’t bring happiness.  Sounds trite and maudlin but it is true.  Of course, poverty doesn’t bring happiness either.  Money and “stuff” can bring a temporary thrill but it goes away.   It’s a high but it’s not happiness or joy.  

[Zepol87 9185]

In my experience there isn't much hate or envy until they start running their mouths about making it on their own type of talk and acting like they came from nothing. I have step-family this way, they are hardcore make it on your own and don't ask for handouts but the loudest ones haven't paid rent/mortgage in 3 years because of mom and grandparents, um no shit we would all be in a better place financially if mom and grandma paid for all our expenses. That deserves a punch in the mouth a big fuck you. 

"money and stuff" means alot more if you have a guaranteed roof over your head. 

Edited December 23, 2022 by Zepol87

[pacman 7355]

Never taken a dime from my parents since I turned 18. I absolutely will pay for my kids shit, covering everything now for my college kid. (oldest)

Edited December 23, 2022 by pacman

[Clintonaldo 2574]

How do y’all feel about parents helping pay for private school for your child? I am about to be 42 and with an almost 2 year old and he is the only grandchild on both sides so naturally our parents spoil him. When he starts private school in a few years my mother has made the statement several times she wants to help with his school. I said it isn’t necessary but she said she wants to do it. 

 

I am kind of torn on it because I feel like I am not independent if I accept that. 

[deadshank 24652]

30 minutes ago, Clintonaldo said:

How do y’all feel about parents helping pay for private school for your child? I am about to be 42 and with an almost 2 year old and he is the only grandchild on both sides so naturally our parents spoil him. When he starts private school in a few years my mother has made the statement several times she wants to help with his school. I said it isn’t necessary but she said she wants to do it. 

 

I am kind of torn on it because I feel like I am not independent if I accept that. 

Who cares what Surly thinks? If you’re OK with it then do it.  

[royiv 9293]

1 hour ago, Clintonaldo said:

How do y’all feel about parents helping pay for private school for your child? I am about to be 42 and with an almost 2 year old and he is the only grandchild on both sides so naturally our parents spoil him. When he starts private school in a few years my mother has made the statement several times she wants to help with his school. I said it isn’t necessary but she said she wants to do it. 

 

I am kind of torn on it because I feel like I am not independent if I accept that. 

If it were me and and it's not a strain financially, I wouldn't accept the money. In my experience watching friends who receive significant amounts (not talking the cell phone bill or something else trivial) from their parents, that money rarely comes without some sort of strings attached. Even if it's a guilt trip around not spending enough time with dear ole grandma, it just wouldn't be worth it to me. But that's me. Everyone can do what they want and be free from the judgement of others.

[Clintonaldo 2574]

Just now, royiv said:

If it were me and and it's not a strain financially, I wouldn't accept the money. In my experience watching friends who receive significant amounts (not talking the cell phone bill or something else trivial) from their parents, that money rarely comes without some sort of strings attached. Even if it's a guilt trip around not spending enough time with dear ole grandma, it just wouldn't be worth it to me. But that's me. Everyone can do what they want and be free from the judgement of others.

That’s exactly my concern. 

[CleverNickname 1308]

In inherited a couple of chunks of change jn my early 20s (from my dad and grandad). While it wasn't a huge amount of money, it definitely enabled me to be a career public/government attorney. And that's meant nice amount of PTO, mostly 40 hour work weeks, and general insulation from the usual attorney ennui that affects a lot in my profession. Hell, I bet the lack of stress was very good for my marriage. I am super super thankful for that. I don't let me mom give us money, but she does contribute to the kids 529 accounts. Although tbh my "privilege" is also sheer luck in timing... buying a house in Austin well before the run up - and that luck is probably worth just as much as the smaller amount of law loans and new corolla my dad's pretty 401k got me.

[Dahobbs 17534]

1 hour ago, Clintonaldo said:

How do y’all feel about parents helping pay for private school for your child? I am about to be 42 and with an almost 2 year old and he is the only grandchild on both sides so naturally our parents spoil him. When he starts private school in a few years my mother has made the statement several times she wants to help with his school. I said it isn’t necessary but she said she wants to do it. 

 

I am kind of torn on it because I feel like I am not independent if I accept that. 

You're 42. You should be confident enough in yourself that you can say no to Grandma even if you accept the money. If you can't do that by now, it probably doesn't matter whether you accept the money or not. 

[Fudge Nuggets 19190]

2 hours ago, Clintonaldo said:

How do y’all feel about parents helping pay for private school for your child? I am about to be 42 and with an almost 2 year old and he is the only grandchild on both sides so naturally our parents spoil him. When he starts private school in a few years my mother has made the statement several times she wants to help with his school. I said it isn’t necessary but she said she wants to do it. 

 

I am kind of torn on it because I feel like I am not independent if I accept that. 

Send him to public school.  You want him to go SEC, right?

[naija 2854]

This is one of those threads I want to be able to recall when the advice starts pouring out in other threads about how that community can and should do better for itself. Being oblivious is amazing.

Any reasonable person with money will worry if that money is detrimental to their kids. I see that as just a proxy for the eternal "am I raising them right" question. For me, helping your kids out with the big things is fine and probably smart. But I see things like car notes and phone bills, i.e, recurring monthly costs, as a genuine chance for a young adult to learn real money management lessons. It is kinda nuts that you can go all the way through tertiary education without ever learning the basics of these things. Whoever upstream said doctors are terrible at this is 100% correct, and many pass it along to their offspring because they want to help with everything. One of my former attendings is going through this. Makes north of 500K a year. But wife stopped working soon after his career took off, huge house with the resulting property taxes, is paying for ALL 4 of his kids to go through college and various grad schools, and he has said he has to work to the very end to have a semblance of a good life after retirement. This kind of person also shields the kids from the reality of how much that is costing him. I think if you are in your early 20's and you understand how money works and wealth is built, you would look at yourself and your siblings and say, "Dad, you don't have to do this." But again, the percentage of people in that age group who have an understanding of this is tiny.

Of course, I am seriously considering putting my soon to be 5 year old in a 30-40K/year school, so don't listen to what I have to say. 

That said, I've never seen the point of being envious of how anyone got theirs or is living their life. It is only annoying when people are ignorant of their blessings and get offended that any reference to it diminishes who they are and what they've accomplished. 

[Zepol87 9185]

If you make 500k a year no one should feel sorry for you and money issues

[cactusflinthead 27598]

@Clintonaldo set up a 529 and let her put whatever she wants to contribute into it. Grandparents helping out with school costs is different. No shame in it.

[naija 2854]

Second the 529 idea. The best kind of help is tied to a specific goal/accomplishment. In this, the  money has a defined purpose, which remains one of the most reliant ways to better yourself as person. It will not affect your kid's day to day life, and as a benefit, there are possible tax benefits for the grandparents.

[Clintonaldo 2574]

Great idea guys. Thanks