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Shart 2023: The Quickening

Prepuce of Doom

By Prepuce of Doom
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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21123

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Any atypical evidence or cleanup is enough for shame and sharing, so prairie dogging/turtleheading that leaves a mark counts for the purpose of the thread, even if not technically a shart, which also requires an element of shock or surprise from the betrayal of a fart. 

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'stache

'stache 21919

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I ate a bunch of cauliflower buffalo wings last night. After a few sips of coffee in the car this morning as I pulled into the parking garage, it hit like a ton of bricks. Like a bag of sand was dropped from 100 feet up directly to the edge of my sphincter. It's about a 5 minute venture from the garage, to the tunnel, to the elevator, and to my floor. Made it just in time, it was not pleasant. 

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Spaulding Smails

Spaulding Smails 1568

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I've always prided myself on having an iron gut.  I can eat a bowl of Texas red and a dozen Shiner Bocks and have a perfect one-wiper the next morning.  Like clockwork.  The only time I can remember sharting was when I was 17 and had Giardia and shit my brains out for 2+ weeks and lost 15% of my bodyweight.  But, I found myself strangely gravitating to this thread over the past several months.  Like a moth to a flame.  Like Surly was telling me something.  I would read and scoff at the olds and intestinally challenged.  Then, it happened yesterday.  Thank goodness I was home.  At 43, my age finally got the best of my sphincter.  

Went to a benefit dinner Saturday night and loaded up on BBQ.  Woke up Sunday morning with a case of the bubble guts.  Had to stop clearing brush at least thrice to quickly visit the throne, but avoided any damages.  Started feeling better mid day, so I was grilling beef lengua and chicken thighs for tacos and enjoying a few cold Pacificos last night when a fart betrayed me.  Sure enough, had to change skivvies and run a load of wash.  Avoided another near miss at about 2 AM this morning laying in bed.  Told myself not to trust another one until this passed.  Still fighting the rot gut today.  Fingers crossed I can make it home tonight unscathed.  I feel like the guy that just had an OSHA recordable and had to erase the current record for days without an injury.  At this point, I'm going to have to make it to my 70s to top that record.  Now I know what Cal Ripken felt like.

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Marfa Low Crown

Marfa Low Crown 2555

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After a thus far uneventful 2023 I guess things were bound to change. I had had a pretty good run going since my last shart, which caused me to abandon my underwear and long johns in an alley on a freezing winter night. That shart had all the makings of a life or death battle and I think raised my experience much like how Ghandalf leveled up when he fought the Balrog. Since that shart, I've dodged countless others through wisdom and superior strategies and my underwear has been as clean as the white wizard's robe. However, I guess I did overlook the rule that says you never trust a fart after about 3 or 4 beers. That said, I popped a mud bubble the other night but was fortunately in the privacy of the deck at home. After a quick underwear change I was good as new. 

When I went to bed, I had a dream there was an unofficial shart club at work and they were welcoming in a new member. She was a tall blonde in her 40's and was standing on top of a beat up white truck with no hood on it that we were all gathered around. Don't ask me.. it's a f'n dream? Anyways everyone is gathered around and it's my job to explain to the lady what a shart is. I'm scanning the crowd for the HR lady because I'm having some concerns about whether this is a work-sanctioned club... are we on the clock here, I mean what are the rules on this? The HR lady makes eye contact with me and when I ask for clarification I get nothing from her and about this time the shart club starts becoming more and more restless. They eventually break out into a chant of Shart! Shart! Shart! and so I yell over the roar of the crowd to the woman what a shart is. She seems thoroughly unimpressed and I wake up never knowing if I got written up, fired, or promoted as leader of the impatient and shit farting horde. 

 

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Gil Bang

Gil Bang 26101

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full text for the non twitter peeps

 

More rock star glamour: walked to Target to get nail clippers and nose hair trimmer. Employees were right on me asking for selfies and telling me they love me. Two minutes later I get hit with a major urge to take a shit. They tell me bathroom is downstairs, I go there but ten people in line, I’m about to soil my trousers. I go to employees and plead, please can I use employees bathroom they say no employees only. I run across the street to some cafe and ask to use bathroom (on the way there a guy waiting outside tells me I’m an asshole for not stopping to take a selfie with him) the cafe lady threatens to call security on me for politely asking for bathroom. I made it by the skin of my teeth to a restaurant a few blocks away. Back to hotel to practice trumpet.

 

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nnm

nnm 36986

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I’m en route back home after a week in Senegal. In the Dakar airport lounge I had some sort of mystery meat stew over rice. 
I’ve painted the airplane toilets chocolate from Dakar to Brussels and now from Brussels to EWR.  I’ve taken some Imodium, but still feel like I have the squirts. Every fart is a FAFO situation. 
So far I haven’t had to throw any clothes away. We’ll see after the EWR—>DFW leg of the trip. 

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'stache

'stache 21919

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On 5/19/2023 at 11:16 AM, nnm said:

I’m en route back home after a week in Senegal. In the Dakar airport lounge I had some sort of mystery meat stew over rice. 
I’ve painted the airplane toilets chocolate from Dakar to Brussels and now from Brussels to EWR.  I’ve taken some Imodium, but still feel like I have the squirts. Every fart is a FAFO situation. 
So far I haven’t had to throw any clothes away. We’ll see after the EWR—>DFW leg of the trip. 

That’s gotta be the definition of FAFO. Mystery meat in Dakar before an international flight? That’s 99% gonna give you the mudbutt, if not worse.

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Parliament

Parliament 14392

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Got my gall bladder took out on Monday.  They tell me that in 3 weeks I can eat anything, just smaller portions.  But in the meantime...

Anyway.  Decent chance I'll finally make an entry in this thread, after all these years.  Wish me luck!

Edited by Parliament
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Guadaloopy

Guadaloopy 11065

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I’m out.   Had some watermelon last night that tasted fine, but I guess was on the fuzzy edge of being too ripe.  
 

Had one normal shit when I woke up this morning.  Sat down at the desk to pay a bill online and went to let out a little gas bubble that turned out to be pure liquid. 

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Longhornstampede

Longhornstampede 3193

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On 1/1/2023 at 1:52 PM, Longhornstampede said:

Most likely just a spectator in this literal shitshow this year. Don't (can't) drink anymore and the diet has become slightly more healthy, or at least more discriminating. So despite having black coffee, bacon, eggs (runny yolks) and fruit for breakfast this morning.... I'm not even worried anymore.

Calling my shart-shot on January 1.

Longhornstampede: 365

Shart: 0

Still holding on...

Longhornstampede: 152

Shart: 0

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Sbbruin

Sbbruin 21925

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Well this is shitty.  After years of looking down my nose at you unwashed heathen sharters, I come through in spades.  I should start by saying that I regularly take Miralax every since my guts got replumbed.  But this morning it hit me so quick I couldn't get from the kitchen to the bathroom before the lava flowed.  Shame #1.  Then coming home just now, I thought I'd let out a squeaker.  A lost gamble indeed. Shame #2. 2 pairs of underwear shot in one day.  

michael cohen GIF

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Sbbruin

Sbbruin 21925

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I had the worst on Wednesday.  Longstory- been taking multiple meds to help with nausea and digestion.  One of them, Reglan, seems to have triggered a monthlong attack of diarrhea.  After meetings in the field on Wednesday, I get to my office and it hits me like a truck.  Figure I have time to drop my stuff in my office and then hit the shitter.  I was wrong.  Full blown pants shit.  I was horrified, but no one was the wiser.  Finished shitting, grabbed my stuff and drove home in shit.  I am not fond of my participation here.  It was horrifying.

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Gil Bang

Gil Bang 26101

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1 hour ago, Sbbruin said:

I had the worst on Wednesday.  Longstory- been taking multiple meds to help with nausea and digestion.  One of them, Reglan, seems to have triggered a monthlong attack of diarrhea.  After meetings in the field on Wednesday, I get to my office and it hits me like a truck.  Figure I have time to drop my stuff in my office and then hit the shitter.  I was wrong.  Full blown pants shit.  I was horrified, but no one was the wiser.  Finished shitting, grabbed my stuff and drove home in shit.  I am not fond of my participation here.  It was horrifying.

Welcome to the club.

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ztejas

ztejas 43752

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I just shit my pants for the first time in awhile. Fortunately I'm at home hanging out - but I had to hit the bathroom, let the rest out, then I washed out the underwear dookie stain in the shower. That underwear will hit the wash and it will all be shit britches under the bridge.

I just want to let everyone out there know - you aren't alone. It happens. To the best of us, sure, but mostly to the worst of us. 

There may have been some illicit prescription drugs and other poor life choices involved, but, you know what? That isn't between me and you people. That's between me and God. 

Stay strong out there boys.

tejas out

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Not that Bob

Not that Bob 739

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On 7/14/2023 at 4:38 PM, Sbbruin said:

I had the worst on Wednesday.  Longstory- been taking multiple meds to help with nausea and digestion.  One of them, Reglan, seems to have triggered a monthlong attack of diarrhea.  After meetings in the field on Wednesday, I get to my office and it hits me like a truck.  Figure I have time to drop my stuff in my office and then hit the shitter.  I was wrong.  Full blown pants shit.  I was horrified, but no one was the wiser.  Finished shitting, grabbed my stuff and drove home in shit.  I am not fond of my participation here.  It was horrifying.

Metamucil, Miralax, and fucking Reglan? Brother, that is a cocktail from hell! It's amazing you have any safe days. God bless. 

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Gil Bang

Gil Bang 26101

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1 hour ago, ztejas said:

I just shit my pants for the first time in awhile. Fortunately I'm at home hanging out - but I had to hit the bathroom, let the rest out, then I washed out the underwear dookie stain in the shower. That underwear will hit the wash and it will all be shit britches under the bridge.

I just want to let everyone out there know - you aren't alone. It happens. To the best of us, sure, but mostly to the worst of us. 

There may have been some illicit prescription drugs and other poor life choices involved, but, you know what? That isn't between me and you people. That's between me and God. 

Stay strong out there boys.

tejas out

you gotta burn the undies after that.

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