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Non Seasonal Family Insanity Thread

MaybeACoordinator

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8349

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So we've placed my grandmother in hospice. She is 97 but has been telling people she hit 100 for a few years. She was a little dotty when she started saying so but not demented but we've all just humored her. Why not? I think she hit 94.5, rounded that up to 95, and then to 100. 

Anyway, we are losing the queen. She had seven children of her own and raised three of her grandkids, including me, and now has dozens of great-grandkids.

Cast of characters:

Uncle T: her only son. Suffers from a textbook Oedipus Complex. Felt rejected all his life because she kept having kids, and it only intensified when she took me and my Cousin M in her house as we were both boys who rivaled for her affections.

My Mom: Her second child. Deceased since 1998. Just including here so people won't wonder where she is in all this.

Aunt J: Literally retarded. We strongly suspect she has fetal alcohol syndrome; my grandmother practically told me so. She said she was hitting the bottle very hard during that pregnancy because this one friend of hers and my grandfather's lost his wife in a car wreck and was coming over nightly with a handle to drown his sorrows with them. By this time my grands had sorrows of their own as Uncle T and mom had been horribly burned in a backyard BBQ incident while under the supervision of grandmother's father in Port Arthur. Anyway, aunt J is the mother of Cousin Sh and Cousin M, who were like my younger siblings.

Aunt E: Born about ten years after aunt J. Boss lady of my grandmother's second batch of kids -- because we are all a decade or less apart, and I grew up with them, these are my "sister-aunts.". Extremely leftist politically and yet also very Catholic. She plans to retire soon to Switzerland with her Swiss husband; she lived there with him before and wants to go back.

Aunt C We don't know where she came from exactly. She excelled both academically and athletically in school and is now semi-retired from a very successful career at Transco / Williams. She doesn't really look like the rest of us -- she got all the recessive genes. Has never really left Houston save for one trip to Europe, not even for college. 

Aunt Li: My favorite sister-aunt. Stubborn and loyal to a fault. We bonded as kids and have remained close ever since. Sadly, she married badly to an obnoxious Yankee salesman / huge Trump fan. She is not, but to her a vow is a vow. They had two kids -- one son is autistic or something and the other was a youth baseball star who has become a frequently-relapsing drug addict. 

Aunt La: The black sheep of the family, but not because of the usual reasons. For her it was because she married a millionaire right out of college and then started lording it over all the rest of us, trying to tell us how to live and what we were all doing wrong. Aunt Li and me had been feuding with her for upwards of 15 years because of her bitchiness and the rest of the family has long just rolled their eyes at her cuntiness. Her husband is from Lebanon, which has long triggered Uncle T, who calls him "that Arab" and "that carpet salesman." (He is neither -- he is a Phoenician food wholesaler. Yes, he speaks Arabic but does not identify as such -- he specificially identifies as Phoenician.)

Okay, with that out of the way....

Aunts E and C have planned the graveside service. It will be a Catholic service at an old family plot in Beaumont. They decided to limit attendance at this ceremony to children of grandmother only. No grands or further descendants. Which is absolutely fine with me -- we can have a memorial service / wake-type thing a little later. Their rationale is that Uncle T really needs to be at his mama's side when she goes in the ground, and that Cousin M and I should not go because we trigger his Oedipus Complex (behind his back several of used to call him Oeddie the Puss). And we believed it was possible that Cousin Sh would trigger Aunt Li because of The Incident, which I will get to in a second. 

Again, I was fine with that, and I don't think any of the other grandkids care much about attending a graveside service in Beaumont when we can have a more convenient and enjoyable memorial in Houston a little later.

But it turns Aunt Li plans not to attend either, because she is now a hardcore atheist and can't abide priests. And Aunt C won't be there either because she "doesn't do well with graveyards." I doubt Aunt J will go either as C is her caretaker. So it will just be Uncle and two aunts at her graveside.

Along the way we've all been talking and I've learned that everyone thinks pretty much everyone on my grandmother's husband's side of the family were gay...including my grandfather, who I always did believe was a closet case. 

And The Incident? Way back in the '90s, Aunt Li and her Yankee husband took in Cousin Sh in Atlanta after Cousin Sh ran away from home in Houston and briefly joined a traveling carnival. Tired of the carny life, they took her in, only to have her, um, turn around and accuse Uncle Yankee of coercing a BJ out of her. Aunt Li threw her out of the house and hasn't spoken to her since....I asked Aunt C what she thought about it and she said "Well there is some debate as to whose cum it was on her face," so...(Thinking here is that Cousin almost got caught in the act of blowing some rando and chose to blame it on her host instead. If you know her, it's believable)

And yet Aunt Li has decided to fight the entire rest of the family for our right to attend a family she is not attending herself and we don't want to attend. Even cum-face cuz. "Those other bitches will have their kids there," she told me, referring to her sisters. (She is in that long feud with Aunt L and a shorter one with Aunt C). So....

Yeah, a war over a funeral attended by three. 

 

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8349

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Oh and one of my sisters came out as bi, just like our mother was. And apparently my great-grandparents and grandfather. Weird, wild stuff. 

Oh and looking back, my mom was the real black sheep: she was a complete hellion from teen years until she drew her last breath. (Kicked out of two Catholic high schools, a drinker, a drug addict, an artist, a singer, and a brawler. She and Janis Joplin might as well have been twins)

But she is no longer with us, so...

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UpperWestside

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11 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

And The Incident? Way back in the '90s, Aunt Li and her Yankee husband took in Cousin Sh in Atlanta after Cousin Sh ran away from home in Houston and briefly joined a traveling carnival. Tired of the carny life, they took her in, only to have her, um, turn around and accuse Uncle Yankee of coercing a BJ out of her. Aunt Li threw her out of the house and hasn't spoken to her since....I asked Aunt C what she thought about it and she said "Well there is some debate as to whose cum it was on her face," so...(Thinking here is that Cousin almost got caught in the act of blowing some rando and chose to blame it on her host instead. If you know her, it's believable)

This is why I read this site. 

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SHOOTER12

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6 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Oh and one of my sisters came out as bi, just like our mother was. And apparently my great-grandparents and grandfather. Weird, wild stuff. 

Oh and looking back, my mom was the real black sheep: she was a complete hellion from teen years until she drew her last breath. (Kicked out of two Catholic high schools, a drinker, a drug addict, an artist, a singer, and a brawler. She and Janis Joplin might as well have been twins)

But she is no longer with us, so...

There's no chance of inbreeding in your family is there?

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MaybeACoordinator

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9 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

There's no chance of inbreeding in your family is there?

Probably back in Ireland -- back then that wing of the family was Protestant, and thus had a limited breeding pool. Meanwhile my mom's mom's family has a documented case of fairly recent incest: my great-something grandmother was married to a man named Otis S. P., her first cousin. Her dad had the same name, and so did one of her brothers, so she was married to one O, the sister of another, and the daughter / daughter-in-law of a third. My grandmother is proud of it -- she said it makes us more like the royals.

This happened back around 1870 after my ancestors were chased out of Sabine Pass by a combo of yellow fever and Confederate partisans, who wanted to kill OSP's dad because they suspected him of signaling Yankee ships from the Sabine Pass light, where he was the keeper. So they fled back to his native Maine, where his son fell in love with his favorite brother's daughter. (That side of the family were multigenerational sea captains)

So far as I know, only one of their descendants was gay -- my mom's namesake, who played a key role in the development of Lamar U. (Not with money but sweat -- she was the head librarian for decades.)

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MaybeACoordinator

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Uncle T needs some fleshing out as a character. He'll be 76 this year. We suspect he was CIA. We know he was Secret Service and later worked in corporate security for various oil companies. He never married nor even brought a GF to the house but judging by his porn collection he is not gay, and he did once let us know he was dating a Filipina beauty queen. (He bought her a scarf while we were on a family trip to Europe in the flush times before the Oil Bust wrecked us) Somehow he had just happened to be in the Vatican when Pope JP II was shot. Man of mystery and also a titanic asshole. Cousin M almost murdered him with his bare hands when he got sick of his bullying in his HS years. He's a total weenie without his gun.

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SHOOTER12

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23 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Probably back in Ireland -- back then that wing of the family was Protestant, and thus had a limited breeding pool. Meanwhile my mom's mom's family has a documented case of fairly recent incest: my great-something grandmother was married to a man named Otis S. P., her first cousin. Her dad had the same name, and so did one of her brothers, so she was married to one O, the sister of another, and the daughter / daughter-in-law of a third. My grandmother is proud of it -- she said it makes us more like the royals.

This happened back around 1870 after my ancestors were chased out of Sabine Pass by a combo of yellow fever and Confederate partisans, who wanted to kill OSP's dad because they suspected him of signaling Yankee ships from the Sabine Pass light, where he was the keeper. So they fled back to his native Maine, where his son fell in love with his favorite brother's daughter. (That side of the family were multigenerational sea captains)

So far as I know, only one of their descendants was gay -- my mom's namesake, who played a key role in the development of Lamar U. (Not with money but sweat -- she was the head librarian for decades.)

Wholly shit...you sir, are a treasure.

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Hpara759

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1 hour ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Probably back in Ireland -- back then that wing of the family was Protestant, and thus had a limited breeding pool. Meanwhile my mom's mom's family has a documented case of fairly recent incest: my great-something grandmother was married to a man named Otis S. P., her first cousin. Her dad had the same name, and so did one of her brothers, so she was married to one O, the sister of another, and the daughter / daughter-in-law of a third. My grandmother is proud of it -- she said it makes us more like the royals.

This happened back around 1870 after my ancestors were chased out of Sabine Pass by a combo of yellow fever and Confederate partisans, who wanted to kill OSP's dad because they suspected him of signaling Yankee ships from the Sabine Pass light, where he was the keeper. So they fled back to his native Maine, where his son fell in love with his favorite brother's daughter. (That side of the family were multigenerational sea captains)

So far as I know, only one of their descendants was gay -- my mom's namesake, who played a key role in the development of Lamar U. (Not with money but sweat -- she was the head librarian for decades.)

 

torbush-wow.gif

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8349

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8 minutes ago, Shoxthemonkey said:

Interesting unit of measurement. I would give your story 2 Torbushs but they are pretty subjective, I suppose.

Dates back to the Hornfans days and translates to "wow". His D was getting worked by the Urban Meyer's Utah squad.

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MaybeACoordinator

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As some of you may know, I had a serious health scare beginning in the middle of last year, one I am still recovering from. Said scare brought my aunts into contact with my dad, the ex of their sister, and they were alarmed at what a titanically narcissistic asshole he is, and were not shy about telling me so....And you know, he come to think about it, he is, and always has been.....So even with all the craziness on mom's side of the family, the love they've shown me is preferable to his sorry coke-snorting, pot-smoking pussyhound ass. (He gave up the coke and the strange but still smokes a joint and a half a day.)

I've not been welcome to stay more than a couple of days at a time at his house (in Nashville) since 1989, when, down on my luck, I moved in for a few weeks and had the temerity to eat some of my step-cunt's chicken salad from out of the fridge. (She's his third wife and selfish AF; an only child who never had kids of her own.) 

Since then I've been on my own and have never asked him for money, though he has provided some from certain windfalls we've had thanks to his dad and grandparents. Once these started to amount to real money, step-cunt stepped in and demanded that my sister and me be cut off, as she wanted that cash for herself. And now she is the only person he listens to, and keeps sending me these messages that are ostensibly fatherly advice but obviously translate to "Don't even think about becoming a burden on your step-cunt and me."

To that end, he did start a GoFundMe for me, but then used his own picture as the lead. And it says my name, but it's "presented by (My dad)"

At 75, he launched a new little career as a fucking singer of all things, and his roadshow uses his own name twice. He slots in visits to me when his gig schedule allows. As he recently told me, while in recovery, "I only married your mom so you would not be a bastard." And here I had thought for fifty-plus years they loved each other and he only impregnated her when they were already engaged.

He dumped me on my grandparents' doorstep twice -- once when I was about two, and then when I was 14, all because he wanted to party instead of be a dad. He was not there when I won district as a sprinter as a HS freshman, or any of my HS-age baseball highlights, and made it to exactly one of my football games, mainly because it coincided with both the death of his brother (from AIDS; yet another gay family member) and the fact that step-cunt was still in Houston at the time, so hell, he thought, I'll go catch my only son's football game while I'm down there.

Even so I idolized him for 52 years and it took my sister-aunts to get me to reassess his sorry ass.

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MaybeACoordinator

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1 hour ago, cactusflinthead said:

A pipe fitter named Bubba and now your dad is in the story?

Subscribed 

Yeah...One Christmas Bubba came with Aunt J and he brought presents. One of them was for Aunt Li, who was then about 13.

She opened it. It was a bikini.

"Why'on't you try it on?" he said in front of the entire family.

She did not.

He disappeared from the picture a couple of years later and that was when Aunt J and cousins M and Sh moved in with us. There was some moment I've kind of blocked out when Cousin Sh said something remarkably like "My daddy says I am the best kisser around". I didn't find it all that strange when that same scene came up in Vacation a few years later.

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MaybeACoordinator

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We lost my grandmother this morning. It was her time and we are all relieved. She loved music, knitting, crossword puzzles, Fawlty Towers, Ireland, the ocean (she came from a line of at least four straight sea captains), Mexican culture (esp Mariachi Mass), Cajun/Creole culture, Big Thicket lore (her mom was from the Greater Kountze Metroplex lol), the Astros, genealogy, good books, Perry Mason, dogs, and children. She was one of a kind.

 

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MaybeACoordinator

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She was a product of her times. I got busted smoking pot in HS (by parents not cops, though it was close -- long story) and she summoned me to her bedside for a chewing-out. She was up there on her throne, one of our dogs by her side, her knitting in her lap, and she said "When I was your age the only people who messed with that stuff were Mexicans and jazzmen." 

She loved Mexicans -- in college she tried really hard to land a San Antonio Canarian-descended aristocrat, any San Antonio Canarian-descended aristocrat, but she couldn't quite win one over. In an epic case of sour grapes, she told me they were the most arrogant people in Texas. For his part my grandfather would bristle whenever she would talk about them, or the Cubans she fancied during her one year at LSU -- back in those days Beaumont girls went there as often as UT because it was more convenient. And well-off Cubans sent their sons to Baton Rouge to study sugar science -- it was the aggy of that particular crop for the whole Caribbean basin at the time.

She attended bilingual mariachi mass at St Joseph's in Houston off and on for 50 years....But I guess she was just speaking her truth there.

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MaybeACoordinator

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Spoke to my Sisters L and P today. Sister P is the bi one and kind of eccentric. She lives on a farm in rural Washington but was raised in Tennessee, partially in foster care after our mom died and her dad joined a cult. (The International Church of Christ). Speaking of cults, she told me she accidentally started two on her own: one in Appalachia (Knoxville area) and the other in Washington. She said she only intended to found these old-school hippyish mom groups and they quickly turned into insane Q-Anon prototypes....She'd walk away then, but I get the impression she's the type who starts a bar fight and emerges unscathed and without throwing a punch herself.

Unlike our mom, who would finish what she started. She was a holy terror and loved to whoop ass on other women. Sister P thinks she'd been molested by nuns and later took it out on whoever crossed her.

Speaking of mama's bisexuality, I didn't hear about it until about 2010, 12 years after she died. All my sibs knew but I did not, somehow, though I am the oldest. She did walk out on me from age 8 to 19 so there was a knowledge gap there. (These are half-sibs). Anyway, I was kind of adjusting to this new conception of mama and my little brother tried to comfort me.

"Don't worry MaC, mama loved the peen."

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MaybeACoordinator

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It fell to me to call the Bogata girls today...Who are the Bogata girls? Our cousins from that little town in NE Texas near Paris. Three of them are the progeny of my grandfather's drunken brother's third and last marriage. Right out of UT he snared one of the richest women in Texas, had three kids with her, drank his way out of that marriage, briefly married a chick he met in AA, and then met the mother of the Bogata girls and started over.

She was a few years younger. She was a Highland Park and UT grad and a PiPhi and pretty hot. "Uncle" (as we knew him) had charisma. Somehow they wound up back in her mom's hometown of Bogata and he begat my Cousins R, P and S. And then their mom kicked him to the curb and she had cousinish J with the pot farming kingpin of Red River County.

All four of them would come down to Houston every now and then and they were like mirror images of us albeit with incredibly country accents. The three cousins all had an age-corresponding sister-aunt of mine, and Cousinish J was mine.

Fast-forward from childhood to college years. They all came down for my sister-aunt Li's wedding. And Cousinish J and I were reunited, and, well...

We fucked in at least three rooms in my grandparents' house post-reception. (I was on a hillbilly roll at the time -- I'd just had a wild fling with a second cousin on my other side of the family at a reunion mere weeks before.)

Fast forward again about 20 years....I went up to go visit the Bogata Girls. I was leaving the big house up there and Cousinish J came running after my car saying she was homeless for the night. So I agreed to take her to Paris and get her a room in the same motel where I was staying. Off to Paris we went. I got her into her room. Then a thunderstorm blew in. There was a tap-tap at my door.

Yep, Cousinish J. Y'all, life had not treated her well between that wedding and that night in Paris. She'd been rode hard and put away soaking-ass wet. But she insisted that she sleep in my bed with me and I let her. When I politely declined to give her the peen (I was also happily married at the time) she reminded me of Aunt Li's wedding night, and I told her "That was then and this is now, Cousinish J"

Along the way she let me know she was a Stevie Nicks fanatic, and so I've always taught my son, never get deeply involved with a chick named Rhiannon. (Because her mom is likely just like Cousinish J).

 

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

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2 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

It fell to me to call the Bogata girls today...Who are the Bogata girls? Our cousins from that little town in NE Texas near Paris. Three of them are the progeny of my grandfather's drunken brother's third and last marriage. Right out of UT he snared one of the richest women in Texas, had three kids with her, drank his way out of that marriage, briefly married a chick he met in AA, and then met the mother of the Bogata girls and started over.

She was a few years younger. She was a Highland Park and UT grad and a PiPhi and pretty hot. "Uncle" (as we knew him) had charisma. Somehow they wound up back in her mom's hometown of Bogata and he begat my Cousins R, P and S. And then their mom kicked him to the curb and she had cousinish J with the pot farming kingpin of Red River County.

All four of them would come down to Houston every now and then and they were like mirror images of us albeit with incredibly country accents. The three cousins all had an age-corresponding sister-aunt of mine, and Cousinish J was mine.

Fast-forward from childhood to college years. They all came down for my sister-aunt Li's wedding. And Cousinish J and I were reunited, and, well...

We fucked in at least three rooms in my grandparents' house post-reception. (I was on a hillbilly roll at the time -- I'd just had a wild fling with a second cousin on my other side of the family at a reunion mere weeks before.)

Fast forward again about 20 years....I went up to go visit the Bogata Girls. I was leaving the big house up there and Cousinish J came running after my car saying she was homeless for the night. So I agreed to take her to Paris and get her a room in the same motel where I was staying. Off to Paris we went. I got her into her room. Then a thunderstorm blew in. There was a tap-tap at my door.

Yep, Cousinish J. Y'all, life had not treated her well between that wedding and that night in Paris. She'd been rode hard and put away soaking-ass wet. But she insisted that she sleep in my bed with me and I let her. When I politely declined to give her the peen (I was also happily married at the time) she reminded me of Aunt Li's wedding night, and I told her "That was then and this is now, Cousinish J"

Along the way she let me know she was a Stevie Nicks fanatic, and so I've always taught my son, never get deeply involved with a chick named Rhiannon. (Because her mom is likely just like Cousinish J).

 

@henrygandorf can we get this guy a TV show?

I suggest the title "Hillbilly Roll"

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MaybeACoordinator

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About 15 years ago, a gas well finally came in on our family property in the Piney Woods and my grandmother was independently wealthy for the first time in her life. She went out and bought herself a Mini Cooper -- her dream car. 

Meanwhile she was running this sewing circle of Beaumont ladies of her age who lived in her nursing home. One of these ladies slighted that Mini Cooper and my grandmother blackballed her from the sewing circle.

A couple of years later I went on a pub crawl in Houston with an old HS friend of mine and some dudes he knew. Somehow that story came up while we were in my old friend's car between bars, and the dude riding shotgun, who I just met that night, said "Yeah, that was my grandmother your grandmother blackballed."

Before all of that, I had been concerned that she wasn't making a whole lot of friends at that home, and I was worried that she was being picked on, like Paulie Walnuts' mom/aunt in the Sopranos. Aunt C, the responsible daughter, assured me that she was far more like Livia Soprano in there,

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FloridaHorn

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On 1/17/2023 at 5:57 AM, MaybeACoordinator said:

As some of you may know, I had a serious health scare beginning in the middle of last year, one I am still recovering from. Said scare brought my aunts into contact with my dad, the ex of their sister, and they were alarmed at what a titanically narcissistic asshole he is, and were not shy about telling me so....And you know, he come to think about it, he is, and always has been.....So even with all the craziness on mom's side of the family, the love they've shown me is preferable to his sorry coke-snorting, pot-smoking pussyhound ass. (He gave up the coke and the strange but still smokes a joint and a half a day.)

I've not been welcome to stay more than a couple of days at a time at his house (in Nashville) since 1989, when, down on my luck, I moved in for a few weeks and had the temerity to eat some of my step-cunt's chicken salad from out of the fridge. (She's his third wife and selfish AF; an only child who never had kids of her own.) 

Since then I've been on my own and have never asked him for money, though he has provided some from certain windfalls we've had thanks to his dad and grandparents. Once these started to amount to real money, step-cunt stepped in and demanded that my sister and me be cut off, as she wanted that cash for herself. And now she is the only person he listens to, and keeps sending me these messages that are ostensibly fatherly advice but obviously translate to "Don't even think about becoming a burden on your step-cunt and me."

To that end, he did start a GoFundMe for me, but then used his own picture as the lead. And it says my name, but it's "presented by (My dad)"

At 75, he launched a new little career as a fucking singer of all things, and his roadshow uses his own name twice. He slots in visits to me when his gig schedule allows. As he recently told me, while in recovery, "I only married your mom so you would not be a bastard." And here I had thought for fifty-plus years they loved each other and he only impregnated her when they were already engaged.

He dumped me on my grandparents' doorstep twice -- once when I was about two, and then when I was 14, all because he wanted to party instead of be a dad. He was not there when I won district as a sprinter as a HS freshman, or any of my HS-age baseball highlights, and made it to exactly one of my football games, mainly because it coincided with both the death of his brother (from AIDS; yet another gay family member) and the fact that step-cunt was still in Houston at the time, so hell, he thought, I'll go catch my only son's football game while I'm down there.

Even so I idolized him for 52 years and it took my sister-aunts to get me to reassess his sorry ass.

If you are ever in Tampa, look me up….we need to have a beer and share a few stories.

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