Another IDIOT

[IDIOTsavant 8502]

My wife had a beautiful baby girl this afternoon. It’s our first, and we’re in our early 40s. Tell me how I’m going to screw my child up and how to avoid it. Both serious and surly answers are welcome and appreciated. It’s been a damn great day, folks! Hope each one of you bastards had half as good a day as I did.

Edited May 10, 2023 by IDIOTsavant

[mdmost 43056]

Well, first off, congrats. Just focus on keeping the kid alive for the first year. The hard part is when they're actually functional, mobile, and want to stick everything in their mouth. There's no better feeling in the world than the first time you make your child laugh. Enjoy the moments because they go quickly.

You're going to make mistakes. Read as many of the parenting books as you can. Then go with your gut. Each child is unique and there isn't a one size fits all approach. 

Good luck. Of course you're going to fuck up. That's parenting. Well and...

[fattyflattie 4638]

2 hours ago, IDIOTsavant said:

My wife had a beautiful baby girl this afternoon. It’s our first, and we’re in our early 40s. Tell me how I’m going to screw my child up and how to avoid it. Both serious and surly answers are welcome and appreciated. It’s been a damn great day, folks! Hope each one of you bastards had half as good a day as I did.

Congratulations, now you have something to worry about everyday until you die.  Girls are absolutely awesome.  I’m raising 3 pretty bad ass girls, you’ll be fine. 

[tx 3 putt 77535]

Are you sure it’s yours ?

Congrats

[52-80 19263]

babies are awesome.  a big decision you need to decide at the beginning is whether you plan to co-sleep with the child, because if you start, its a hard habit to break.  seems like everyone i know is doing that, and they're having a tough time (for the baby) to break it.

i suggest taking copious photos and of videos of them in year 1 cuz gee fuck they grow up FAST

[fattyflattie 4638]

27 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

whether you plan to co-sleep with the child, because if you start, its a hard habit to break. 

This is my understanding.  Don’t do it.  They’ll still want to snuggle up to you for another decade.  Strict routines ftmfw 

[Bevo&Pevo 5222]

Congrats on having a spawn.  Childproof the cabinets with magnetic locks and outlet covers.  Things you'll learn to hate car seats, sippy cups, and little pieces of food in the car.  Things you'll learn to love snuggles, laughs, smiles, first day of school, and plenty more.  When you have boys there is only on dick on the block to worry about. When you have girls there is every dick to worry about.

Got a name?

Where's my cigar?

 

Edited May 10, 2023 by Bevo&Pevo

[52-80 19263]

the babyzen yoyo portable stroller is awesome

[IDIOTsavant 8502]

24 minutes ago, Bevo&Pevo said:

Got a name?

Where's my cigar?

Alexandra Faye IDIOTsavant

And the Clinton museum has canceled my cigar order three times. “We don’t sell cigars” is a shitty excuse IMO.

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

My GF’s brother and wife co-slept with their most recent kid. Well, I should say “are still co-sleeping with her.” She just turned five. Not my circus, so it is what it is. In my circus, the monkeys slept in their own beds from day one. 

Not a big fan of book on child-rearing, for the most part. You probably know what your parents fucked up and what they did well. Implement your version of what they did well. Avoid or correct what they fucked up. Make your own original mistakes. 

Related to the above, one thing I promised myself I’d never do is tell one of my kids “because I said so.” And I never have. 

[deadshank 24653]

Seems there’s more and more idiots out there everyday.  
 

Congrats. 

[Mo Horn 8855]

Congrats

Our philosophy was that our goal was to give our kids plenty to tell their therapist when they grew up.

Enjoy. You'll wake up tomorrow and they'll be in their mid 30's

[Pato del Muerto 52616]

21 minutes ago, Mo Horn said:

Congrats

Our philosophy was that our goal was to give our kids plenty to tell their therapist when they grew up.

Enjoy. You'll wake up tomorrow and they'll be in their mid 30's

When she’s in her 30s, he will just be happy to still be waking up. 
 

congrats, sir. It’s quite a ride, as you are no doubt realizing right now. Baby milestones are awesome things to witness, and those first few years you are their entire world and it’s amazing. 

Edited May 10, 2023 by Pato del Muerto

[Macanudo 13017]

Spend as much time enjoying the small things with her as you can.   Going to the park, reading with her (when she gets to that age), etc.   Those are the things that will make the biggest impact on her.  

Be her parent not her friend.   You can be sympathetic to her life issues without having to solve every problem.    Listen and give guidance but realize that she will be her own person and you can't control every aspect of her life as she gets older.   She has to make some mistakes along the way and hopefully learn from them.   When they are little, those mistakes aren't usually that big of a deal (outside of sticking a fork in an electrical socket or running out into traffic.)   It's when they get older that life issues get bigger.  

Yeah can shield them from danger when they are young but that isn't realistic for her whole life.   Let her experience life while giving her a good foundation for what is right, wrong, safe and dangerous. 

[Upgrayedd 5821]

Congrats man!

Pics of wife’s mommy milkers?

[MonkeyDoughnut 10357]

asking surly for advice 

[Hefeweizen 5334]

Congratulations, first of all. 
 

Second, start saving a lot of fucking money.  ALOT.

 Because when they’re in college (I have one and another one going next year) it is insane how the money flies out the door.

[Patricio Swayze 17058]

Congrats.

Father of two amazing girls.

If you and/or your wife speak another language, really focus on teaching your kid learning it. One of my regrets is we haven’t been the best about that.

[52-80 19263]

 

[royiv 9375]

4 hours ago, IDIOTsavant said:

Alexandra Faye IDIOTsavant

And the Clinton museum has canceled my cigar order three times. “We don’t sell cigars” is a shitty excuse IMO.

Next up on the main stage, give it up for Alexaaaandra! Don't forget to tip your server.

[IDIOTsavant 8502]

1 hour ago, MonkeyDoughnut said:

asking surly for advice 

I’m gonna Costanza every recommendation and turn this into the parenting run of a lifetime, sir.

[gofuckyourself 8386]

Congrats!

Being older and (hopefully?) wiser puts you ahead of most other idiots who procreate.

For me, I've learned patience and listening. Limiting judgment and criticism and gently asking them to look over their choices, actions or problems as THEY see them, not as you see them no matter how "obvious" the solution or issue is.

Besides that, just enjoy the ride.

A final recommendation is take lots of video with audio when they're young.

You never tire of going back and watching and hearing them at their cutest.

That also helps you decide you still love them so it's best not to strangle them when they are teens.

[IDIOTsavant 8502]

22 minutes ago, gofuckyourself said:

Congrats!

Being older and (hopefully?) wiser puts you ahead of most other idiots who procreate.

For me, I've learned patience and listening. Limiting judgment and criticism and gently asking them to look over their choices, actions or problems as THEY see them, not as you see them no matter how "obvious" the solution or issue is.

Besides that, just enjoy the ride.

A final recommendation is take lots of video with audio when they're young.

You never tire of going back and watching and hearing them at their cutest.

That also helps you decide you still love them so it's best not to strangle them when they are teens.

I’m substantially more patient at this point in my life, and I can honestly say I’d rather be right here than anywhere else…even as exhausting as it is.

[Texzilla58 4744]

Congratulations! You have finally entered the stage life is actually intended for. You have at least replaced half of yourself.

I am not a fan of attached parenting, co-sleeping, or anything similar. I am an only child and your daughter will be spoiled with attention and resources regardless of your intentions. It is essential you teach independence so she benefits from the lavish advantages of being an only. (I’m assuming at your age you’re done; if you continue to spawn it is critical to breed independence as she’ll need it as the oldest)

Breastfeeding has benefits but help your wife avoid the guilt heaped on women who decide to wean earlier than the La Leche fascists dictates. A lot of women have issues breastfeeding and suffer stress and guilt about it. Bucket fed babies will be fine too. I think breastfeeding when children can ask for a drink is a bit extreme. Teeth also play a role. Jobs and the general workload of pumping add a lot of burrden; women need to make their own decision as what is best for her, the baby, and the family.

I also believe getting the child out of diapers early. I have a cousin who was still wiping asses on a five year old. Start at 2. Girls are generally a bit harder as they don’t have an attached water gun you can make into a game. But the usual impediments are lack of parent fortitude and patience. Lots of info out there; the grandparents and others can advise. But it can be accomplished over a couple of weekends. House breaking the child is the most important event of your life and theirs.

Don’t be pushy about things like elevating a palate. If you think it’s hard to break a child of co-sleeping? Try getting them to move back to chick fil A nuggets after you’ve introduced them to sushi. That $5 dinner turned into $100.

Try to keep screens out of their hands as much as possible. They don’t have blue light filters in their eyes until 12-14. Kids can get addicted to the point they don’t develop their brains correctly. They need basic toys that teach eye hand coordination, thumb uses, etc. sticks, blocks, etc teach human thought.

Most important is time. Enjoy your child. You might have to give up a few childless couple activities. Enjoy it all because it goes like a freight train. You will have frustrations but they will be offset by so much joy. There is so much pure happiness in their innocence, and watching them discover cool things or liking mundane activities makes it all so worthwhile. My son is 42 and it was just yesterday I was rocking him with a bottle.

Also take care of your bride. She just had a 8 pound life form yanked out of her. Her hormones are shifting again. She has to heal. Her new role as a mother will change her role as a wife in ways that can’t be predicted but all you can do is love her, support her, comfort her. She will need lots of affirmations to give her confidence. Use this time right and it will take your marriage up a level.

Best wishes on your new family.

[Bevo 13601]

A nanny bathes twins

A nanny bathes a set of twins. The twins were marked with numbers, the first born marked with a 1 and the second born marked with a 2. The nanny bathes both the twins and the parents come in and say “ Where are the numbers?! We can’t tell them apart any more”
The nanny says “ I can tell them apart by their balls”
The mother scornfully yells, “How?”
“One bawls in the morning one bawls in the afternoon”

 

 

Moral of the story: Hire a hot nanny.

[Pato del Muerto 52616]

Also this may seem trite and also hardly relevant at this new stage, but it struck me the first time I heard “one day you will put them down and never pick them up again” so I picked them up when they asked.  That stage of life goes by so quickly. 

[MonkeyDoughnut 10357]

All those years you looked down on mini vans is about to be tested.  There is magic in self closing doors that don't slam little fingers.

[Bevo 13601]

[tigol 2409]

Always Sunny?

[IDIOTsavant 8502]

3 hours ago, MonkeyDoughnut said:

All those years you looked down on mini vans is about to be tested.  There is magic in self closing doors that don't slam little fingers.

So what I’m hearing is that a Trans Am, Bumbo, and two bungee cords is a bad idea? Might need a second opinion as the Red Dragon still has a few miles left.

[chikin23 384]

Love the kid no matter what.

You’ll make mistakes and just know that there are no perfect parents and it will be okay.

Don’t let other people tell you how to raise your child.

[0xdeadbeef 1652]

9 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Also this may seem trite and also hardly relevant at this new stage, but it struck me the first time I heard “one day you will put them down and never pick them up again” so I picked them up when they asked.  That stage of life goes by so quickly. 

[0xdeadbeef 1652]

Congrats. 

Early on in parenthood I realized my goal in life was to get my kids to adulthood as well-adjusted members of society.  They didn't have to be perfect, just no strippers, no mass-shooters, no drug dealers.   Seems like a really low bar, but it's a lot of work.   But well worth the effort.

Edited May 11, 2023 by 0xdeadbeef

[Hate 20146]

Yeah, co-sleeping is pretty much the worst idea ever.  Seriously, the only ting dumber than co-sleeping is having a kid after you've turned 40. I cannot stress just how dumb co-sleeping is.  Get that baby on a schedule and stick to the schedule.  You'll be fine, but do not under any circumstances co-sleep.

[Patricio Swayze 17058]

Congrats. 
Early on in parenthood I realized my goal in life was to get my kids to adulthood as well-adjusted members of society.  They didn't have to be perfect, just no strippers, no mass-shooters, no drug dealers.   Seems like a really low bar, but it's a lot of work.   But well worth the effort.

You left out no aggy and no rapelor. Those are my rules if my kids want me to pay for college.

[Homercles 10206]

Good luck dude.  As you see here, everyone will have an opinion…but honestly I spent the first year trying not to accidentally kill them, the second year trying to ensure they didn’t kill themselves, then at 3 I was back to trying not to kill them.  

You’ll be fine…though I will fully agree that sleep training in their own bed is critical.  Want to have sex again someday?  Keep the kid out of your bed.

A mistake I made with my first kid was getting caught up in “I can’t wait till…”.  Can’t wait until they can sleep all night, or feed themselves, or walk, or get out diapers, etc.  All with the goal of ‘getting back to normal’.  

There is no going back.  Embrace your new normal while trying to take it all in occasionally…that grouchy, half-asleep, 3am exhausted feeding watching reruns of Mythbusters will become a core memory.  

As my pediatrician said when my son was 3 days old:  “long days and short years”

PS:  Watch out for PPD in your wife/partner, be an involved husband/father, and let any intense relationship shit roll off your back the first 6-12 months.  

[Guest]

Damn there is some good advice here. I'd pos rep just about everything here. 

I also follow Mike Leach's advice -- you're either coaching it or allowing it to happen. I have a boy and felt like I was fairly strict on him early (in the idea that he didn't get away with stuff, not like I grounded him for two weeks), and seems like he is well-behaved now. Now that he knows what's proper behavior and not, I feel like I can trust him a lot more and we can have a lot more fun.

Also, when they are small, it's perfectly ok to set them down and walk away to take a breath. Depending on your personality, it can be very trying at that age. 

And yeah, sleeping with your kid in the bed/room seems like the worst idea ever. 

 

[Bevo 13601]

11 hours ago, 0xdeadbeef said:

Congrats. 

Early on in parenthood I realized my goal in life was to get my kids to adulthood as well-adjusted members of society.  They didn't have to be perfect, just no strippers. Seems like a really low bar, but it's a lot of work.   But well worth the effort.

The world needs strippers too, Mr. Beef.

[Guest]

21 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Also this may seem trite and also hardly relevant at this new stage, but it struck me the first time I heard “one day you will put them down and never pick them up again” so I picked them up when they asked.  That stage of life goes by so quickly. 

I hug my grown ass boys when I see them like it might be our last time.  Those embraces are salve for the soul.  Just because you can’t pick them up, doesn’t change anything, IMHO.
 

   My overall advice would be not to worry about them liking you until they are about 25.  Until then be the fucking parent they NEED you to be. One of my favorite things as a dad is to hear my adult children say, “ I thought that was fucked up,” or “Yeah that sucked, but…” only to be followed up with, “ now I know why you took us that way.  Thank you.” 
 

As others have said, do things together and make time for each other.  Few things are better than when we get together and we spend an evening playing dominoes( drinking good booze) or cooking a nice meal together and sharing it.  Obviously when they are little,those things are drastically more simple and could be as simple as daily walks or going to the park and playing on the swings or whatever.  Make time for it though.  It will pay off in spades, for them and for you.

[horn4life 3783]

1) Don't let them use a pacifier constantly.  It becomes too much of a crutch and removing the crutch is tougher than you think!

2) Put off buying them a phone until as late as you can. They will hate you for this, but it's the smart/right thing to do.

3) Get her involved in youth sports!  Girls who play youth sports generally have higher self esteem, and more importantly have better body image.  Simply as playing sports she will see girls of different sizes and shapes, that help avoid believing the "perfect" bodies they see on their phones is reality.

4) Read, read, read and then read some more to them when they are little.  This simple act will help carry them educationally and allow them explore the world better than any single thing you can do. 

5) The single biggest gift you can give your daughter is the gift of your time. (see#3)  So many parents are willing to spend any amount of money on their kids and their activities, but inevitably what their children crave is more of their time.  In other words money is NOT a substitute for your time and affection!

6) Finally- tell her, "All guys are lying scumbags with sores on their weiners! And you are going to need a flashlight!"  With that reading foundation, and a healthy fear of STD's you will likely be able to push back their sexual awakening to some degree.  As well as let them understand they some guys will say anything to get into their pants.  I have personally changed to path of several kids lives with this simple humorous question and answer.  "Do you know what the key to your future is? Pause a second and then pound the table and say, "Condoms, condoms, condoms!"   A friends' son was named in a paternity suit, and the son told his father, "I am not the father!  I listened to horn4life!"  Humor is a great way to tell kids truth about sex in a way that sticks in their brains, but opens the door to thinking about uncomfortable subjects more openly.

Lastly, good luck!  And enjoy the ride, knowing it's not always going to be fun and she is gonna be a crazy bitch as a teenager in all likelihood.  But that will pass... just stay the course. Also realize you are not perfect and will make mistakes, you hope they are little mistakes.

[Guest]

+1 on the reading.

[Bevo 13601]

1. Some mothers eat their young. Don't let your wife do that.

2. Women are crazy. Expect your daughter to act crazy in middle school and early high school. She will act like she doesn't know you. I suggest that you do the same.

3. Tiffany would be a bad name for your new family member but she could possibly bring a tremendous amount of love from the Surly community.

4. Buy her a present before every Texas Longhorn football game and hand it to her during the game. It will develop a Pavlovian response where she can't wait for the next game to be played.

5. One of her presents should be a Surly username and password. That way she can visit our board and we can keep an eye on her progress.

6. Good luck!

[fattyflattie 4638]

2 hours ago, Homercles said:

Good luck dude.  As you see here, everyone will have an opinion…but honestly I spent the first year trying not to accidentally kill them, the second year trying to ensure they didn’t kill themselves, then at 3 I was back to trying not to kill them.  

You’ll be fine…though I will fully agree that sleep training in their own bed is critical.  Want to have sex again someday?  Keep the kid out of your bed.

A mistake I made with my first kid was getting caught up in “I can’t wait till…”.  Can’t wait until they can sleep all night, or feed themselves, or walk, or get out diapers, etc.  All with the goal of ‘getting back to normal’.  

There is no going back.  Embrace your new normal while trying to take it all in occasionally…that grouchy, half-asleep, 3am exhausted feeding watching reruns of Mythbusters will become a core memory.  

As my pediatrician said when my son was 3 days old:  “long days and short years”

PS:  Watch out for PPD in your wife/partner, be an involved husband/father, and let any intense relationship shit roll off your back the first 6-12 months.  

Qfmft does not do this post justice.  Spot on.  

[IDIOTsavant 8502]

(Damn it, skip to 3:28 on the video. Haven’t had this issue before, but I’m too busy to worry about fixing it now….oh my God, technology has already passed me by.)

Every Surly advice thread…thanks fellas. Mostly affirming my thoughts on everything, including why I thought it was a good idea to post this. I’m going to do my darnedest to make sure reading and sports are something we have in common if nothing else…her mama too fortunately.

Edited May 11, 2023 by IDIOTsavant
Time skip info added

[Homercles 10206]

Damn y’all talking about 25 years from now, knocking back a glass of single malt.  

I’d guess a practical thing for a newborn/youngin = no baby was ever harmed by crying alone for a few minutes.  That doesn’t just got for Ferber-style sleep training.

I’m not ashamed to say there had been times when I was exhausted, desperate for peace and my mind was an MC Escher painting = calmly put baby in the crib, go outside away from the crying, and find some functioning brain cells to rub together.  Then go back inside to address the problem.   

I was reading Band of Brothers at the time, and there’s a passage about ‘even being 50 yards away from the front line can rejuvenate a weary solder’.  Not equating warfare to a newborn, but it really stuck with me.  

PS:  For the love of everything that matters…find yourself a system wherein you don’t leave your kid in the car.  You’ve got a summer baby and you’re not used to toting Jr around…throw your keys in the back seat (if a wireless fob), put a sticky note on the dash, whatever works for you.  My kids are 6/9 and I still have nightmares.  

[HouTex 1894]

12 hours ago, Hate said:

Yeah, co-sleeping is pretty much the worst idea ever.  Seriously, the only ting dumber than co-sleeping is having a kid after you've turned 40. I cannot stress just how dumb co-sleeping is.  Get that baby on a schedule and stick to the schedule.  You'll be fine, but do not under any circumstances co-sleep.

This.  I wouldn't have thought that co-sleeping is a thing.  We raised two daughters (now 31 and 29).  On the first one we were pretty strict about the night time sleep schedule.  After 6-8 weeks, if she was fed with a clean diaper and still cried at bed time . . . then she cried.  It didn't take long before she learned to comfort herself and put herself to sleep.  She was a perfect sleeper.  We weren't as strict with the next daughter and we played hell getting her to bed and to stay in bed.  With her, it was a negotiation at bed time every night until she was around 7.

I'll be the cynic on this, but I'm not sure it really matters how good parents are at parenting.  I've witnessed too many nice and thoughtful people end up with troubled, or just plain awful, kids and young adults.  The opposite also happens.  Unless you home school, the village is raising our children.  Best advice I can give is to pay close attention to their peer group, and their parents, and do your best to socialize your children with the people you deem worthy.  

[CooterBrown 18032]

Tell your lovely wife hi. I haven’t seen her since August.

[Guest]

^^^^^^^^^

@Homercles

Take turns.  Give your partner a break.  So many times I would get home from work and I'd walk in and wife would just have this " get me out of here before I kill the bastards" look on her face.  I'd just say, "See ya.  Go do some retail therapy, go walk, go see your sister( in same town)  do whatever, but time for some decompression.

[Homercles 10206]

13 minutes ago, slorch said:

^^^^^^^^^

@Homercles

Take turns.  Give your partner a break.  So many times I would get home from work and I'd walk in and wife would just have this " get me out of here before I kill the bastards" look on her face.  I'd just say, "See ya.  Go do some retail therapy, go walk, go see your sister( in same town)  do whatever, but time for some decompression.

Agreed.  It’s not just the right thing to do, EVERYONE does better when momma is happy 

[Bevo 13601]

23 minutes ago, Homercles said:

EVERYONE does better when momma is happy 

Not the girls at the Yellow Rose. or

 

Edited May 11, 2023 by Bevo