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Taliban Continues to Create Onion-like Headlines (was: Militants Fed Up With Office Culture)

Rimbo

By Rimbo
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Rimbo

Rimbo 27107

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This isn't The Onion. It's hard to believe.

https://time.com/6263906/taliban-afghanistan-office-work-quiet-quit/

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Researcher Sabawoon Samim interviewed five jihadists who had spent several years of their lives fighting for the Taliban. “They ranged in age from 24 to 32 and had spent between six and 11 years in the Taliban, at different ranks: a Taliban commander, a sniper, a deputy commander and two fighters,” Samim wrote in his report. “Broadly speaking, all of our interviewees preferred their time as fighters in what they considered a jihad.” Now, the men find themselves shackled with the bureaucracy of running a country as they work civilian jobs and security positions, spend too much time in traffic and on Twitter, and yearn for the tranquility of village life.

If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a propaganda piece.

I'm not sure that I do know better.

Edited by Rimbo
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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 35612

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I can see how Mohamed is bitching to Abdul about how boring shit is at the cube farm In the Eduction Ministry, nothing to do but stamp decrees to close girls’ schools and pull all the USAID donated books of the library shelves, and then all the other books too. And one thing leads to another and they’re back in the saddle assaulting Iranian border posts. 

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Surly Bevo

Surly Bevo 25803

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What you do at Talibanco is you take the specifications from the mullahs and bring them down to the IED developers?

Yes, yes that's right.

Well then I just have to ask why can't the mullahs take them directly to the IED developers?

Well, I'll tell you why, because, terrorists are not good at dealing with mullahs.

So you physically take the specs from the mullah?

Well... No. My secretary does that, or they're faxed.

So then you must physically bring them to the IED people?

Well. No. Ah sometimes.

What would you say you do here?

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Rimbo

Rimbo 27107

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The thing is, Khan, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

Don't... don't care?

It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my turban off and Talitech ships a few extra bombs, I don't get one more virgin in the afterlife, so where's the motivation? And here's something else, Khan: I have eight different Mullahs now.

I beg your pardon?

Eight Mullahs.

Eight?

Eight, Khan. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me it's haram. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled... that and the fear of Jahannam. But you know, Khan... that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get executed for blasphemy.

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956 Worldwide

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This quote:

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Work has heavily cut into their social lives too. “Those in Kabul, like me, work from 8 AM to 4 PM. So, most of the week, we don’t get any time to meet each other” said Mansur. 

The camaraderie amongst fighters has dwindled, the jihadists say, as previously non-existent hierarchies are now far more apparent, and many around them get swept up in the pursuit of money. “I sometimes miss the jihad life for all the good things it had,” said Nafi. “During jihad, you couldn’t have known the difference between a commander and a foot soldier like me.”

Look, Akhtar, I know why we joined the Taliban. Yes, to kill the infidels who came to our land. Yes, to rejoice over the blasphemous schools we closed. Yes, to seek glorious martyrdom. Yes, to earn the houri in Jinnah. But you know….maybe the real Jinnah was all the friends we made along the way? 

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YGIFS

YGIFS 19460

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Pos rep

i don’t want to discount the journalist who wrote this serious article was/is in a marked level of personal peril.  But where did they think we were gonna go with this story?  I mean, I’m laughing at the possibilities for motivational posters for the break room to the corporate team building day.  
after office space, there’s hundreds of parody opportunities with the Office, both BBC and NBC.  

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Schulz2.0

Schulz2.0 29313

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12 minutes ago, YGIFS said:

Pos rep

i don’t want to discount the journalist who wrote this serious article was/is in a marked level of personal peril.  But where did they think we were gonna go with this story?  I mean, I’m laughing at the possibilities for motivational posters for the break room to the corporate team building day.  
after office space, there’s hundreds of parody opportunities with the Office, both BBC and NBC.  

61UxTTMY86L._AC_UF894,1000_QL80_.jpg

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YGIFS

YGIFS 19460

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1 minute ago, MissingInAction said:

Kabul was cooler in 2012.

well it certainly seems to have literally gotten away more corporate since then.

"Abdul, it's come to my attention that you had sex with the cleaning lady here in the office..."

-Was that wrong?  Should I not have done that?  I gotta plead Koran ignorance, here.   

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InkaUtexas

InkaUtexas 27050

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Pos Rep to all your glorious bastards! 

I spent more than a night in Afghanistan. One of the hardest things I had to deal with was getting my MEL team to fucking write their reports. All these dudes wanted to do was cruise into battle areas on their Honda motorcycles (125's) and hang out with farmers. And yet USAID was yelling at me for TPS reports. 

Afghanistan pre-taliban take over was all about bureaucracy. Try getting a meeting with the Ministry of Agriculture. 

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ztejas

ztejas 44299

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2 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

This quote:

Look, Akhtar, I know why we joined the Taliban. Yes, to kill the infidels who came to our land. Yes, to rejoice over the blasphemous schools we closed. Yes, to seek glorious martyrdom. Yes, to earn the houri in Jinnah. But you know….maybe the real Jinnah was all the friends we made along the way? 

There's something depressingly ironic about a former Taliban jihadist having cushier work hours than most Americans and complaining about it. 

Gotta love late stage capitalism. 

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Rimbo

Rimbo 27107

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2 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

All jokes aside I'd chalk this up as a win in afghanistan. 

 

I mean ... that's still also a joke.

 

2 minutes ago, Michael Knight said:

I mean at this point the Onion is basically Nostradamus

 

https://www.theonion.com/disappointed-taliban-realizes-taking-over-afghanistan-m-1847510259

 

🌍👨‍🚀🔫👨‍🚀 Always has been

 

And y'all aren't giving YGIFS nearly enough rep for getting this discussion on the right track

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InkaUtexas

InkaUtexas 27050

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5 minutes ago, ztejas said:

There's something depressingly ironic about a former Taliban jihadist having cushier work hours than most Americans and complaining about it. 

Gotta love late stage capitalism. 

One thing overlooked is this. Afghanistan's bureaucracy (Men) went right back to work. The Talibs from the field cannot read or write. They had to sign in with the new regime to keep their jobs. When the US, NATO, and UN were there they were getting paid and food was coming in. Well that all ended for the most part. 

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YGIFS

YGIFS 19460

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8 minutes ago, Rimbo said:

And y'all aren't giving YGIFS nearly enough rep for getting this discussion on the right track

You can credit Mike Judge.  I was just shocked that it took us 5 posts to get there, we're slipping in our site's old age.  Levity aside, I do appreciate that almost any global event or trend arises, and we've got surly folks who've lived it, been there, know the region down to the part of town.  Plus we step up and help people who need help IRL (or as is the case this week, mourn their passing).  

In the meantime though, we've managed to, without really trying that hard, effectively crowdsourced a reboot of Office Space using the Taliban instead of North Austin tech dorks.  And the more scenes I reimagine, the funnier it gets.  Not that we have the comedic chops of the Zucker Bros., but I imagine this is what it felt like to adapt "Airplane" to the source material movie "Zero Hour."  

Fatwah Load Letter?  What the fuck does that mean?  

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