How do use a bidet?

[Both Tacos 1806]

So I was staying at some fancy smancy resort this week on business and the bathroom had a bidet. First time coming across the device and as I'm sitting on the toilet the first time, I started thinking "Am I suppose to use it before I wipe, after I wipe, don't wipe at all, at what water pressure should I use, what if the water is really cold, what if the water is hot, should I use the front spray to give the boys a shower?"

It was just too much and I bailed on using it.

What is the proper etiquette for the bidet usage so I know the next time?

[Bat Guano 359]

You have the pressure, correctly, cranked up to the maximum, so you're off to a good start. Just start pressing buttons. What could go wrong?

[TexArcher 37792]

I think you put your ass over it.

[Zepol87 9186]

I thought those were bathroom water fountains? Fuck 

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4976]

You don't want a high pressure stream of water hitting your taint, so picking the right button can be important.

[52-80 19159]

53 minutes ago, Zepol87 said:

I thought those were bathroom water fountains? Fuck 

https://youtu.be/0-OYM7AhW7Q

 

 

[Rimbo 25939]

1 hour ago, Both Tacos said:

 

So I was staying at some fancy smancy resort this week on business and the bathroom had a bidet. First time coming across the device and as I'm sitting on the toilet the first time, I started thinking "Am I suppose to use it before I wipe, after I wipe, don't wipe at all, at what water pressure should I use, what if the water is really cold, what if the water is hot, should I use the front spray to give the boys a shower?"

It was just too much and I bailed on using it.

What is the proper etiquette for the bidet usage so I know the next time?

 

You want the rear-end stream; the front-end stream is for the ladies.

You use it before you wipe.

You start with small water pressure and work your way up, depending on how hairy your ass is. (Mine is very much so, because I grew up in the 80s and we don't fucking shave that sort of thing, ya fuckers.)

If the water is hot, you dial it down; if it's cold, you dial it up if that's an option, otherwise you grimace and bear it.

When you're done, use a little TP to help dry off, even if there's a blow-dryer like mine at home has. Yes, I have one at home. No, you cannot have it. I will part with my high-end Japanese bidet when you pry it from my cold dead hands. See also, above mentioning of having hairy ass.

[South Austin 52511]

First of all, don't let Armybrat operate your camera.

[bamachine 1231]

I have used one before, just don't have one at home. I wonder, does it end up blowing shit particles all over the place, like lifting the lid to find particles resting upon the rim.

[DougO 5249]

2 hours ago, Both Tacos said:

 

So I was staying at some fancy smancy resort this week on business and the bathroom had a bidet. First time coming across the device and as I'm sitting on the toilet the first time, I started thinking "Am I suppose to use it before I wipe, after I wipe, don't wipe at all, at what water pressure should I use, what if the water is really cold, what if the water is hot, should I use the front spray to give the boys a shower?"

It was just too much and I bailed on using it.

What is the proper etiquette for the bidet usage so I know the next time?

 

From the photo I assume you use it while standing on your head.

[ulukinatme 1764]

If you can feel your colon getting cleansed, you know you're doing it right.

[Both Tacos 1806]

You want the rear-end stream; the front-end stream is for the ladies.
You use it before you wipe.
You start with small water pressure and work your way up, depending on how hairy your ass is. (Mine is very much so, because I grew up in the 80s and we don't fucking shave that sort of thing, ya fuckers.)
If the water is hot, you dial it down; if it's cold, you dial it up if that's an option, otherwise you grimace and bear it.
When you're done, use a little TP to help dry off, even if there's a blow-dryer like mine at home has. Yes, I have one at home. No, you cannot have it. I will part with my high-end Japanese bidet when you pry it from my cold dead hands. See also, above mentioning of having hairy ass.

Where do we sign up for the in-home tutorial?

[elfenix 34243]

There's a reason it's "shit, shower, shave" and not the other way around.

[Rimbo 25939]

34 minutes ago, elfenix said:

There's a reason it's "shit, shower, shave" and not the other way around.

but with a bidet, you can do 'em in any order you want

 

[Rimbo 25939]

43 minutes ago, ulukinatme said:

If you can feel your colon getting cleansed, you know you're doing it right.

 

That's a different setting on mine.

 

 

 

(Not joking. There actually is a setting to give you an enema. Also somewhat useful for constipation...)

 

43 minutes ago, Both Tacos said:

1 hour ago, Rimbo said:

You want the rear-end stream; the front-end stream is for the ladies.
You use it before you wipe.
You start with small water pressure and work your way up, depending on how hairy your ass is. (Mine is very much so, because I grew up in the 80s and we don't fucking shave that sort of thing, ya fuckers.)
If the water is hot, you dial it down; if it's cold, you dial it up if that's an option, otherwise you grimace and bear it.
When you're done, use a little TP to help dry off, even if there's a blow-dryer like mine at home has. Yes, I have one at home. No, you cannot have it. I will part with my high-end Japanese bidet when you pry it from my cold dead hands. See also, above mentioning of having hairy ass.

Read more  

Where do we sign up for the in-home tutorial?

Dude, this isn't rocket surgery. It's just water up your ass. The rest is just preference.

[Lat22 4014]

Username checks out?

[AM Wood 335]

That’s an hard plumbed water pic, dummy. You were supposed to clean your teeth with it.

[HornOnTheBayou 8930]

2 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

You don't want a high pressure stream of water hitting your taint, so picking the right button can be important.

Maybe you don't

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

The key is you douche your ass with it. Makes you feel like you took 10 extra dumps every time you push all of the water back out.

 

 

[Ldogg53 514]

The key is you douche your ass with it. Makes you feel like you took 10 extra dumps every time you push all of the water back out.
 
 

Fucking this. It’s like a beyond clean feeling afterward.

[elfenix 34243]

[KuЯdt 248]

Try not to be too dilated before hitting the button.

[luke duke 6413]

If only there were a Bidet Meta Threas.

[Jhawk 1075]

My progression:

First I used the superwad and would just run through TP.  I did this from the minute I started wiping my own ass until about age 25.  I had a roommate that called me out on TP usage at 25 and he taught me the fold.  My life had changed.  I could get a clean ass in about 16 TP squares.  It also drastically reduced the dingleberries as I also have a very hairy ass.  My cheeks only grow about a half inch of hair that lays down nicely with a good brushing but my crack looks like it is clinching a furry peruvian caterpillar.  That's no bueno and I would still get dingles if I hadn't shaved my crack for a month or so.  Enter buttwipes at age 27.  I went to mexico and got a bad case of montezuma's revenge.  I couldn't eat or drink for 10 days without haveing torrential diarrhea within 5 minutes of consumption.  My asshole was on fire and sore from the pillaging.  I caved and got wipes.  Then I stuck them in the refrigerator and had a nice cool ass.  That was a game changer but dingleberries were still a problem every few months.

Enter bidet.  I'll never go back.  No shit stains, no dingles, very little TP and now wasteful money on asswipes.  Life is so good I'm thinking about starting a charity that installs bidets in africa for underprivileged children.  If they are going to be forced to eat dirt then they should at least have the joy of a clean ass afterwards.

 

[Anastasis 23472]

20 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

You don't want a high pressure stream of water hitting your taint...

Edited June 29, 2018 by Anastasis

[Prepuce of Doom 21074]

As I've maintained throughout every incarnation of the Bidet Threas, the only drawback to the bidet is that you'll begin to fall behind on your magazines. 

[BearMace 2206]

6 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

As I've maintained throughout every incarnation of the Bidet Threas, the only drawback to the bidet is that you'll begin to fall behind on your magazines. 

Not following. Bidet doesn't make you shit faster. You used to do a lot of reading while you wiped?

[Prepuce of Doom 21074]

Cleaning up high-test mudbutt can take hours. 

[Rimbo 25939]

18 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

The key is you douche your ass with it. Makes you feel like you took 10 extra dumps every time you push all of the water back out.

 

 

It's not actually supposed to go up your asshole. Just wash the area around it.

I mean, unless you're into that sort of thing. NTTAWWT

[phdhorn 6224]

E'rrbody has a bidet:

1) Turn on bathtub faucet to warm.
2) Bend over, stick your asscrack under the faucet.
3). No, really, that's it.

[Prepuce of Doom 21074]

4) Stomp waffles. 

[RPM 26321]

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

1 hour ago, Rimbo said:

It's not actually supposed to go up your asshole. Just wash the area around it.

I mean, unless you're into that sort of thing. NTTAWWT

Once you start... washing the area isn't enough

[Js1 85346]

2 hours ago, BearMace said:

Not following. Bidet doesn't make you shit faster. You used to do a lot of reading while you wiped?

Now that is impressive.

[Rimbo 25939]

40 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Once you start... washing the area isn't enough

I have found it useful sometimes when I've got the sticky kinda poop that is like sittin' in your colon and just won't go out, or to dislodge shit, ya know?

[bamachine 1231]

Needed one just now. I fear my toilet may have called in a domestic violence charge.

[Bullneck 19099]

On 6/28/2018 at 10:05 PM, elfenix said:

I heard a long time ago he used to work blue.  Apparently that's true:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TPRqYPSEQ4

[SquishMitten 10408]

As I've maintained throughout every incarnation of the Bidet Threas, the only drawback to the bidet is that you'll begin to fall behind on your magazines. 

You’re doing something wrong. Bidet provides the luxury of an extra 20-30 seconds of readin time while you gyrate your hips for maximum cleanliness

[Prepuce of Doom 21074]

Either you're doing something wrong, or you've never had an unruly bowel movement.

Cleaning up terrible mudbutt with nothing but tp can take hours. Bidets eliminate that circus and all the accompanying magazine time that it entails. 

[luke duke 6413]

Either you're doing something wrong, or you've never had an unruly bowel movement.
Cleaning up terrible mudbutt with nothing but tp can take hours. Bidets eliminate that circus and all the accompanying magazine time that it entails. 

So you read while you wipe your ass? Do you have an easel in front of your toilet?

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4976]

Yeah, and at that point why wouldn't you just hop into the shower?

[AM Wood 335]

51 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Yeah, and at that point why wouldn't you just hop into the shower?

because that would be incredibly gross.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

Who doesn't read while spraying?

[SHOOTER12 8810]

On 6/28/2018 at 5:09 PM, South Austin said:

First of all, don't let Armybrat operate your camera.

+rep this man......

 

Or is OP an AB sock?

Edited July 2, 2018 by SHOOTER12

[Prepuce of Doom 21074]

5 hours ago, luke duke said:

 

So you read while you wipe your ass? Do you have an easel in front of your toilet?

 

I have a small table, yes. 

Forgive my presumptiveness - I thought I was talking with professionals here. 

Edited July 2, 2018 by Prepuce of Doom

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

If your magazine is on the table where do you put your cereal bowl and coffee cup?

Edited July 3, 2018 by Grade of D as in David

[RPM 26321]

1 hour ago, Grade of D as in David said:

If your magazine is on the table where do you put your cereal bowl and coffee cup?

In your lap. Pffft, rookies.

[TKthunder2 4991]

[RollLeft 5045]

I thought this thread would have been bumped already.  Great time to convert.

[futureman 22464]

22 minutes ago, RollLeft said:

I thought this thread would have been bumped already.  Great time to convert.

I’ve started shitting in the backyard and using the hose on my asshole to wash up.