iPhone parental control help - ip addresses on daily log

[Lhorn 5025]

I’ve got a teen daughter that seems intent in bypassing apply iPhone parental controls.  On the parental control there is a way to vaguely see what sites they are accessing and a way to block certain sites.  Recently the log had started to show a bunch of what looks like ip addresses.  Any idea what this means and is there a way to stop it?

 

Thanks.  Parenting in 2023 is a pain in the ass. 
 

Edited October 20, 2023 by Lhorn

[Guest]

Umm, did you google those IP addresses? The first few at least are not what you want anyone -- much less a teen girl -- trying to view.

108.181.34.149

108.181.32.73

 

 

[Lhorn 5025]

I’m pretty naive about this crap.  I didn’t try googling them yet.  I’m guessing your response isn’t serious. But thanks anyway.  
just trying to figure out what my daughter is up to. 

Edited October 20, 2023 by Lhorn

[mdmost 43305]

If she's using a VPN to get around parental controls, there's probably not much you can do but take the phone away if it continues. Apple is both good for security and privacy for the user which sucks for parents. Androids are a lot easier to track. We use a program called Bark on our kids phones which flags dangerous or questionable activities. We make it part of the contract they have for using the phone as we've dealt with issues with our oldest before surrounding the phone and don't plan to let that continue. Bark runs any time they are connected to wifi and charging the device. 

Edited October 20, 2023 by mdmost

[Lhorn 5025]

Thanks for your reply.  I wasn’t sure how to interpret that but does it looks like each of those are different ip addresses she’s using as part of a VPN?

Im willing to switch phones if necessary but I’m pretty ignorant about the ways that she can get around the parental control. 
 

Any suggestions for how to lock this down are greatly appreciated. 

Edited October 20, 2023 by Lhorn

[ztejas 43744]

38 minutes ago, Lhorn said:

I’ve got a teen daughter that seems intent in bypassing apply iPhone parental controls.

[mdmost 43305]

I'd investigate the Bark program I talked about. You can block certain sites and it will let you know if the kid is trying to get around or deactivates the program or monitoring. You can also set up times where the phone cannot be used. It also can block VPN sites but if the kid adds one that can get around the program, it can't do much but at least you'll know as the monitoring will stop. It also flags questionable content. Some may think that's invading the privacy of the kid but phones are something no one had to deal with when we were growing up. There's too much out there, especially for young girls, that can be disastrous. Trust me on that. If the kid still tries to get around the restrictions then you have to take it all away. You just have to be the asshole. They aren't entitled to have one since they're not paying for it. 

Edited October 20, 2023 by mdmost

[Lhorn 5025]

I’ll look into bark.  Thanks. 

I think that’s what I’m going to tell her.  If I see evidence of a VPN being used, the phone gets shut down for the day.  If it goes on, it’s flip phone time.  
 

we do have downtime set up so it goes off at 10 pm. 

[ITHorn 907]

I just went through the research process on this to resolve similar problems with my niece. The answer for her was Net Nanny. It's $60 a year, but that isn't too far off of what similar services cost. The biggest game changer for her needs was the ability to filter content within social media apps the same way you would normal internet traffic. So far no issues.

[MonkeyDoughnut 10441]

It's tough, they will either get around them or just get a second device... most don't need cell, wifi is all they typically need a friends old spare phone or tablet is all they need.  

If you are at the point where you are concerned or can't trust them, I would just setup some kind of plan for phone "checking" where you can ask for it and go through history and like the above IP addresses you don't know, ask them what they are doing that is causing those logs. No good explanation then start using all their apps until you figure out which one it is.

You can't prevent/catch everything, but constant talks on it at least shows them it's a big deal and you just want them safe.

[immamac 43565]

1 hour ago, Lhorn said:

I’ve got a teen daughter that seems intent in bypassing apply iPhone parental controls.  On the parental control there is a way to vaguely see what sites they are accessing and a way to block certain sites.  Recently the log had started to show a bunch of what looks like ip addresses.  Any idea what this means and is there a way to stop it?

 

Thanks.  Parenting in 2023 is a pain in the ass. 
 

Yeah I'd just take the iPhone straight up. 

[Lhorn 5025]

Thanks everyone.  All great suggestions.  Does Net Nanny and similar services prevent use of a VPN, because that seems to be the current issue.

we were pretty good with the iPhone parental controls prior to the VPN issue.  It has allowed us to shut down the phone at bedtime and block SnapChat and other such shit.   

[blacklab 11994]

The ip addresses go back to this company 

https://www.psychz.net/

which is a hosting provider which means they could be anything. The root of the server just shows an error message so unless you get a port or path to go with the IP address you won't be able to figure out what it is.

[Gene Parmesan 4023]

Is there an age that you let porn slide, or do you expect your teenage boys to jerk off to a sears catalogs like you had to?

[Lhorn 5025]

1 hour ago, blacklab said:

The ip addresses go back to this company 

https://www.psychz.net/

which is a hosting provider which means they could be anything. The root of the server just shows an error message so unless you get a port or path to go with the IP address you won't be able to figure out what it is.

Thanks. There are several weird addresses which go to similar shadowy type sites where you can’t figure out what they actually do.  There is another DuckDuckGo type search engine. 
 

her problem before the parental controls was Snapchat and other “meet random asshole teens” type sites.  So I suspect she might be trying to access that kind of stuff but who knows

 

By the way, fuck anyone who thinks they need to make a site for random teens to meet other random teens.  You’re making people’s lives worse. Fuck off!!

[Lhorn 5025]

It’s a long story that I thought about sharing here at times just for moral support but about 1.5-2 years ago she really decompensated.  It was Covid time here in California and they had been away from school and just started to go back which she wanted to do.  She just started being one of those kids who wouldn’t go to school on the morning.  Can’t give you a reason why.  Every form of “persuasion” seemed futile.  She expressed suicidal thoughts, was doing cutting on the forearms etc.  she started seeing a psychiatrist but it wasn’t helping much.  We moved out of state because the environment there was so toxic (it’s better in Idaho but there are shitty kids everywhere).

There was definitely oppositional defiant behavior.  Wouldn’t give up the phone at night, never did what she was told.  Angry, sometimes borderline violent outbursts.  Basically terrorizing her family (she has a sister too) for no good reason.  Gradually things got better.  She was getting therapy but I think it was more med changes.  Mood is better.  Doing very well in school.  Treating her family better.  There are still bumps in the road but things are better.  My belief is that she has some bipolar tendencies.  

[Lhorn 5025]

Thanks so much for everyone’s input. It’s been frankly terrible at times.  We thought about therapeutic boarding schools but decided that she would be surrounded by kids with perhaps worse problems who might be a bad influence. 
Ive come to learn that as a parent you only have so much control over how your kids turn out, especially when mental illness is involved.  I also learned nuance in parenting.  I couldn’t just be the hardass.  We had to pick our battles.  I didn’t get physical but it certainly could have gone that way because she was so defiant.  She would not have been intimidated into acquiescing.  
It’s a long story.  Wife has to call the police.  She was put in inpatient psych for a week.  We hid the kitchen knives for 1/2 a year.  

 I love her tremendously and I’m seeing the girl I knew re-emerging. But there were times that I also hated her.  Why do you have to terrorize the people who love you.  I think this all plays into why her little sister is a pretty anxious kid. 

 

Sorry to vomit this story but it gives some back story about why we’ve not been as harsh as some people might think is necessary. 
 

 

[mdmost 43305]

Your situation is the same as mine, just in a different state. You’re definitely not alone. Older kid is just like yours and giving up the phone is like cutting off a limb. But the Bark was non negotiable as that was the way we knew bad stuff was happening. The younger one is much more amenable to restrictions but she’s now 13 and is definitely pushing. I’m actually more firm with her because she can take it unlike her emotionally immature sibling that is at times basically like dealing with a toddler. 
 

One thing I would definitely check out is if she is eating right and has any tendencies to restrict. Once we got the older one’s appetite and eating disorder in a better place, she started to unlock more since the drugs worked better. She still is defiant but the self harm, suicidal thoughts, and violence lessened and only really crops up when she’s in a full on meltdown. I’ve learned how to manage those meltdowns better. 
 

you have to make the phone stuff non negotiable since she has no concept of how bad it all is for her mental health. Those devices will make any child into a piece of shit. They are a 24/7 connection to some of the worst parts of humanity. You wouldn’t let her walk alone through a bad neighborhood every day. These kids are just not emotionally ready for the internet. Hell, just look on this site at grown ass men melting down over what strangers say to them on the internet. You think an undeveloped frontal cortex can do better? You have to set some limits for her own good and you may have to be prepared for another inpatient center if it goes badly. I told mine that is her future again if she can’t accept limits. She’s almost 16 and has to begin progressing in her life. No one else can make her do it. Trust me, we fucking have tried everything and everyone. 
 

Maybe we should start a support group because I swear my dad didn’t have to deal with this shit with me and my brother. We seem ill equipped to deal with some of this.

Edited October 20, 2023 by mdmost

[Lhorn 5025]

Thanks for sharing that.  There are a lot of similarities in our situations…. A lot.  

[Brew 3049]

Similar story here, just the younger one. She’s not abusive or harming herself, but man can she find some deep holes to climb down. Phone/internet/school issues have compounded it so we hired an IT company to provide all the internal hardware in the house and monitor the traffic similar to what I have at the office. Her phone and kids at school have brought at the worst in her. Therapy hasn’t really helped either because it seems to us at least the therapist has spent most of the time being her friend and not enough time helping her cope. She has asked to make a change there which is a positive I think. If I could go back and change anything, it would have been how/when the internet/phone was introduced to her but her school required access earlier than what we preferred.

[mdmost 43305]

We waited until 8th grade to give into getting phones with both of ours and honestly we should've just said high school. The younger one's school just flat out banned phones during the school day with some exceptions like before the first bell. They told parents that if you need to get ahold of your kid, call the office. If your kid rides the bus, there's an app to watch where the bus is at for pickup and drop off. I have a lot of old man thoughts on the phones having gone through the battles with these stupid things. Kids just aren't ready for the barrage of negativity, anxiety, snarkiness, and meanspiritness that's behind that screen. 

And yes, finding a therapist that doesn't paint by numbers with your kid is always a challenge. We had one that I swear I wouldn't have pissed on if she were on fire with how little she actually helped our kid and did more to enable bad behavior than anything else. I feel like we're giving these kids way too much power. But that's an old man rant for another day. Needless to say, current therapist has been a godsend and thinks outside the box for a kid that's not a typical case. 

[HiggyBaby 2559]

We’ve been using Qustodio. Generally happy with it. The iPhone controls are shit.

[HiggyBaby 2559]

We’ve been using Qustodio. Generally happy with it. The iPhone controls are shit.

Oops my post got cutoff.
Only useful iphone feature really is the family purchase control, where all app downloads have to be approved.
Intercepting texts also helps (basically just send iMessages to a third device) but they don’t really text anymore, it’s all snap. Our WiFi is also filtered .