Official 2023 bitch about your family @ the Holidays thread

[BearSchlong 8083]

your kids don't visit their own grandma? that's fucked up

Son is in the Army in NC, daughter is in Chicago, and Grandma is in Spring. Daughter will see her over Christmas. They love their grandmother but it's difficult seeing her without their mom somehow creating uncomfortable entanglements.

My ex-wife, however, is going on an African safari for Thanksgiving. That is plausible deniability. “I was in Africa, how could I have a family Thanksgiving??”

Remember, after the kids escaped, she spent a holiday - Easter, IIRC, at Machu Piccu, Peru.

A few years ago she took them to Jordan (Petra) for the holidays so they couldn't see me.

She ain't afraid to travel for a exotic selfie.

[Biff Tannen 45663]

7 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

She ain't afraid to travel for a exotic selfie.

I think you should let us decide how exotic these are.

[BearSchlong 8083]

Plus, grandma’s eldest son just got released from maximum security federal prison in Florence Colorado. Maybe it’s his turn to see her for the holidays

[Gil Bang 25907]

7 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

My ex-wife dumped her 89 yr old mom in a nursing home in Spring and never visits. I think the only visitor she ever sees is ex wife’s husband.

Neither of my kids have spoken to their mom in over 18 months and for me it's been over 2 years.

I just ordered a big Thanksgiving flower arrangement from me, current wife, son, DIL, and daughter to be sent to the nursing home. Probably because I feel so damned sorry for a decent lady whose offspring turned out mentally ill and/or felonious.

Wife, daughter and I are flying to Raleigh in the morning to spend the week with son and DIL at Ft. Liberty. Son deploying in a few weeks.

Enjoy that visit. My kid is also posted there, and he's currently deployed. Wife and kiddo (with another on the way) are in Fayetteville.  Thankfully, her dad came in today for a week. 

[Armybrat 40821]

[Guest]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

Son is in the Army in NC, daughter is in Chicago, and Grandma is in Spring. Daughter will see her over Christmas. They love their grandmother but it's difficult seeing her without their mom somehow creating uncomfortable entanglements.

My ex-wife, however, is going on an African safari for Thanksgiving. That is plausible deniability. “I was in Africa, how could I have a family Thanksgiving??”

Remember, after the kids escaped, she spent a holiday - Easter, IIRC, at Machu Piccu, Peru.

A few years ago she took them to Jordan (Petra) for the holidays so they couldn't see me.

She ain't afraid to travel for a exotic selfie.

Not a Detroit fan, but Go Lions!!!

[Parliament 14233]

3 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Plus, grandma’s eldest son just got released from maximum security federal prison in Florence Colorado.

Wait.  What?

[Longboard Horn 40290]

17 hours ago, Sandman said:

Are you a psychic? Because this is him to a tee. He's in his early 30s, lives with my dad (his grandpa) and hasn't worked in a few years. Also, morbidly obese. I don't know if he's ever touched a boob. 

So is this him?

[BearSchlong 8083]

Wait.  What?

For felon in possession of a firearm. Remember, he shot his brother and did time in TDC after representing himself in court with the “see judge, he needed shootin” defense, got out, and then the DEA (who obviously had him on their radar) got him when his old lady got tired of him beating on her and called Midland PD. “My husband is a felon with a pistol.”

Max but not supermax. Underachiever.

I can't remember which surly lawdog sent me the facts of his case, but that's how it went down. It corroborated family lore.

Life moves fast. Glad the kids take after me.

[Incredulity 11648]

12 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Easter, IIRC, at Machu Piccu, Peru

[gernblansten 3196]

14 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Plus, grandma’s eldest son just got released from maximum security federal prison in Florence Colorado. Maybe it’s his turn to see her for the holidays

At first I thought it was a sad country song, but then realized it's a just a good old fashioned feel good holiday song. My Ex-Wife Got Eaten by a Lion:

My ex-wife got eaten by some lions

Giving Thanks in Africa

You can there's no such thing as god

As for me, I'm a believe-a

Holidays are best in fall

We're all happy granny got that call

The oldest released by feds brought tears

It's now his turn to visit her this year

My ex-wife got eaten by some lions

Spending Thanksgiving in Africa

You can say there's no such thing as god

As for me, I'm a believe-a

My boy is doing great with the Army

In Chicago the daughter is killing it

We're all doing just fine now

Since the ex is lion shit

My ex-wife got eaten by a lion

Spending Thanks in Africa

You can say there's no such thing as karma

As for me, I believe

I'm just so glad the kids took after me

[Guest]

Seemed appropriate:

[BearSchlong 8083]

Ya’ll are the swellest internet buddies! Thanks for the laughs.

If that song ends up on Texags I will know we have a mole in the family.

[MissingInAction 25004]

[High Plains Drifter 11026]

 

On 11/20/2023 at 2:10 PM, Royalfan5 said:

I feel good that the only complaint I can make going into Thanksgiving is that I am going to have freeze my ass off in Hays, KS Saturday to watch my nephew play for the 1A state title. 

 

On 11/20/2023 at 4:52 PM, CycleTex87 said:

That doesn't sound too bad actually.  Take a little spirit of your choice to the game.

 

Hell yeah. The colder the better, imo.

 

 

 

[Longboard Horn 40290]

16 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

Posting and family history checks out 

[dcbc 14465]

Spite Bread final test batch is rising.  Both loaves are getting buttered pre-bake for a softer crust.  One's going to get cooked at 325F and the other at 350F.  Winner comes to dinner.  I've got it in my sights, folks. 

Edited November 22, 2023 by dcbc

[Paper_jam 831]

 

 

[luke duke 6412]

FIL still has a tendency to get irrationally angry about politics and interject it out of nowhere thanks to his buddies sending him YouTube conspiracy theorist videos.

Login to his router and block YouTube

[dcbc 14465]

This is 325f with a butter crust. Going to 300f in the next one.

[BearSchlong 8083]

Psa this mixer made in Lubbock not only didn't get stollen by TSA, it makes a delightful mocktail.

[Longboard Horn 40290]

Happy Thanksgiving! Which one of you assholes is this? @MissingInAction? Or @FloridaHorn is this your uncle Gary?

 

[deter 314]

The 'Rusty' of texags radio showed up unexpectedly last with his wife and girls. Nice to be the beneficiary of other's insanity. Gonna be a great Thanksgiving. Peace out.

[MissingInAction 25004]

12 minutes ago, Longboard Horn said:

Happy Thanksgiving! Which one of you assholes is this? @MissingInAction? Or @FloridaHorn is this your uncle Gary?

 

Man. That's just cruel.

[Longboard Horn 40290]

12 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

Man. That's just cruel.

You know I'm just breaking balls.

[G650 14229]

On 10/31/2023 at 9:36 PM, ocugolf said:

My favorite thread every single year

Every year

[Telegraph_it 3357]

We had some minor family drama, none of which was worth typing up, but it had my wife consumed in developing different permutations to try to make everyone happy. 

All for naught because we have a stomach bug running through our house. It just claimed the last two kids this morning at 5 AM. 
 

We are calling everything off. I can now watch football with the sick in peace. 

[Hook1997 5351]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cz_faDjLgvO/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
 

Bert’s guide to family thanksgiving drinking to avoid family drama.  

Edited November 23, 2023 by Hook1997

[ocugolf 1214]

My MIL is a hefty gal. Probably 5’7” 400ish. Vic wouldn’t even hit it. As you can imagine, her life revolves around food. We are all planning out who is bringing what to Thanksgiving. She is hell bent on bringing her  very average pecan pie. 
 

Last year at my side of the family’s thanksgiving, I ordered a Piecaken off of Goldbelly. It’s fucking awesome. Basically pecan pie with frosting layer, pumpkin pie on top of it, frosting, apple spice cake on top of it. It’s like a turducken but diabeetus style.

I spend the 90 bucks to bring it to wife’s family dinner last night. All was relatively normal until dessert time came. People started gushing over the Piecaken and not touching MILs pecan pie. She throws a grown woman hissy fit and tosses 2/3s of the Piecaken in the trash and starts blaming me for trying to upstage her and how she  gets self worth out of people liking her pecan pie and I ruined it. Round two starts in about two hours. It’s going to be a shit show.

[freyguy 4261]

31 minutes ago, ocugolf said:

My MIL is a hefty gal. Probably 5’7” 400ish. Vic wouldn’t even hit it. As you can imagine, her life revolves around food. We are all planning out who is bringing what to Thanksgiving. She is hell bent on bringing her  very average pecan pie. 
 

Last year at my side of the family’s thanksgiving, I ordered a Piecaken off of Goldbelly. It’s fucking awesome. Basically pecan pie with frosting layer, pumpkin pie on top of it, frosting, apple spice cake on top of it. It’s like a turducken but diabeetus style.

I spend the 90 bucks to bring it to wife’s family dinner last night. All was relatively normal until dessert time came. People started gushing over the Piecaken and not touching MILs pecan pie. She throws a grown woman hissy fit and tosses 2/3s of the Piecaken in the trash and starts blaming me for trying to upstage her and how she  gets self worth out of people liking her pecan pie and I ruined it. Round two starts in about two hours. It’s going to be a shit show.

 

[BearSchlong 8083]

Bravo, @ocugolf.

Moar!

[dcbc 14465]

2 hours ago, ocugolf said:

My MIL is a hefty gal. Probably 5’7” 400ish. Vic wouldn’t even hit it. As you can imagine, her life revolves around food. We are all planning out who is bringing what to Thanksgiving. She is hell bent on bringing her  very average pecan pie. 
 

Last year at my side of the family’s thanksgiving, I ordered a Piecaken off of Goldbelly. It’s fucking awesome. Basically pecan pie with frosting layer, pumpkin pie on top of it, frosting, apple spice cake on top of it. It’s like a turducken but diabeetus style.

I spend the 90 bucks to bring it to wife’s family dinner last night. All was relatively normal until dessert time came. People started gushing over the Piecaken and not touching MILs pecan pie. She throws a grown woman hissy fit and tosses 2/3s of the Piecaken in the trash and starts blaming me for trying to upstage her and how she  gets self worth out of people liking her pecan pie and I ruined it. Round two starts in about two hours. It’s going to be a shit show.

Now we're talkin'!  Good show!

[cactusflinthead 27598]

And we're off!

My elderly father is now in a home. He is convinced that between his recent stay at the hospital and his arrival in DeLeon he was kidnapped by Koreans and abandoned in the boonies. Then they decided they would relent and then took him to the home where he was left on the side of the building.

None of this happened. The man hasn't been near anything resembling the boondocks in years. No amount of explanations will dissuade him from this fantasy.

So I leaned into it.

Well, did you get hurt? Did they do anything to you?

No. 

So you're ok?

Yes

Then chalk it up to an adventure you survived.

He didn't have a good comeback.

I made sure he at least had the Roku on live TV so he at least stands a chance of finding the games. 

 

[ocugolf 1214]

Just went to the store to get ingredients for a pecan pie. Might as well be petty and ruffle the feathers. MIL is on the Bud Light already. Fireworks incoming.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Telegraph_it said:

We had some minor family drama, none of which was worth typing up, but it had my wife consumed in developing different permutations to try to make everyone happy. 

All for naught because we have a stomach bug running through our house. It just claimed the last two kids this morning at 5 AM. 
 

We are calling everything off. I can now watch football with the sick in peace. 

saw that coming from a mile away.

 

 

#username

[CycleTex87 2965]

Wife and adult daughter (no pix) are in the kitchen polishing the silverware that we only get out at Thanksgiving/Christmas because my MIL (who gave us the silver) is coming over and will scold/belittle my wife if it’s tarnished.  MIL is 92 and wife is correspondingly younger than that and this has been going on for 30 years.  

[luke duke 6412]

MIL: I don’t watch professional football. There’s too much kneeling and other woke shit going on.
Me: When was the last time you watched a game?
MIL: When the Oilers left Houston.

She’s never intentionally watched a game in her life. I didn’t know Colin Kaepernick was a time traveler.

[Parliament 14233]

3 hours ago, ocugolf said:

My MIL is a hefty gal. Probably 5’7” 400ish. Vic wouldn’t even hit it. As you can imagine, her life revolves around food. We are all planning out who is bringing what to Thanksgiving. She is hell bent on bringing her  very average pecan pie. 
 

Last year at my side of the family’s thanksgiving, I ordered a Piecaken off of Goldbelly. It’s fucking awesome. Basically pecan pie with frosting layer, pumpkin pie on top of it, frosting, apple spice cake on top of it. It’s like a turducken but diabeetus style.

I spend the 90 bucks to bring it to wife’s family dinner last night. All was relatively normal until dessert time came. People started gushing over the Piecaken and not touching MILs pecan pie. She throws a grown woman hissy fit and tosses 2/3s of the Piecaken in the trash and starts blaming me for trying to upstage her and how she  gets self worth out of people liking her pecan pie and I ruined it. Round two starts in about two hours. It’s going to be a shit show.

Your wife’s gonna be just like her in a few years.  You know that.

[Gil Bang 25907]

On 11/17/2023 at 7:10 PM, Gil Bang said:

The GF and her sister are going to London to visit a friend, so I'm heading down to the desert house.  I'll work on the Scout, and drink Natty Light.  When I'm at the desert house, I only drink Natty Light.  I'm no aggy, but it's a tradition

Do some drinking, watch some football, shoot some 22's.  Mix in a little whiskey, and grill a steak or three.   4 days of peace and quiet, doing only what I want to do.

 

Counterpoint: no pussy. 

 

Not great.  GF is on a London sidewalk, ordering an Uber, and some cocksucker on a vespa rolls up and grabs her iphone from her hand and zips away.

 

I fucking hate thieves.    

 

 

[Telegraph_it 3357]

8 minutes ago, Gil Bang said:

Not great.  GF is on a London sidewalk, ordering an Uber, and some cocksucker on a vespa rolls up and grabs her iphone from her hand and zips away.

 

I fucking hate thieves.    

 

 

Brick the phone remotely and report the IMEI stolen. 

[Gil Bang 25907]

8 minutes ago, Telegraph_it said:

Brick the phone remotely and report the IMEI stolen. 

done

[ocugolf 1214]

44 minutes ago, Parliament said:

Your wife’s gonna be just like her in a few years.  You know that.

Lol. That’s her/my worst nightmare. Goes to the gym about 6 times a week to avoid it. Prayers up.

[Dbeasy 15040]

19 minutes ago, Telegraph_it said:

Brick the phone remotely and report the IMEI stolen. 

So just to close the loop, is the only way to brick it remotely to find a way to the internet and then report the phone lost on the iPhone website? Or is there another way?

[Gil Bang 25907]

I have my computer and I know her apple ID, so I did it on my end.

[Js1 85269]

2 hours ago, luke duke said:

MIL: I don’t watch professional football. There’s too much kneeling and other woke shit going on.
Me: When was the last time you watched a game?
MIL: When the Oilers left Houston.

She’s never intentionally watched a game in her life. I didn’t know Colin Kaepernick was a time traveler.

There’s always been so much kneeling at the end of the games! All the winning teams are so woke 

[pearlandhorn 3269]

SIL showed up. So far, no ex BIL. My wife, son and I did a turkey trot this AM and I immediately went to work on the turkey when we got home and got it on the pit at 10 am. 
 

I don’t know what the fuck my MIL did with the giblets from the turkey but they smelled fucking awful. Like a wet, sweaty armpit of an 18 year old. It permeated the entire fucking house. I immediately spent the rest of the morning and portion of the afternoon outside with the dog and my dad.

Turkey was awesome. Pumpkin cheesecake is on deck. Part of me hopes exBIL shows up to add some drama but it may have to wait until Christmas for the other SIL.

Go Cowboys!

[dcbc 14465]

Closing this year's spite bread chapter.  My niece acknowledged the spite bread and gave me kudos on how close it was.  I don't think my sister tried it. 

 

All in all, it was a good get-together.  Nothing remotely political was uttered.  My sister managed to screw up the mashed potatoes.  Apparently, she's never made mashed potatoes, although I could have sworn she brought them last year.  Anyway, she peeled and boiled them last night and showed up with them cold.  We had to nuke them and I almost broke the potato masher trying to get them to comply.  Ultimately, we ended up with a pretty flavorless mush with the consistency of wet snow.  Thankfully, my dressing was a big, bright, shining star like Dirk Diggler. If she hadn't redeemed this critical error with some killer green beans, we may have had to put her on salad duty for next year.

[Celery Man 20931]

8 hours ago, ocugolf said:

My MIL is a hefty gal. Probably 5’7” 400ish. Vic wouldn’t even hit it. As you can imagine, her life revolves around food. We are all planning out who is bringing what to Thanksgiving. She is hell bent on bringing her  very average pecan pie. 
 

Last year at my side of the family’s thanksgiving, I ordered a Piecaken off of Goldbelly. It’s fucking awesome. Basically pecan pie with frosting layer, pumpkin pie on top of it, frosting, apple spice cake on top of it. It’s like a turducken but diabeetus style.

I spend the 90 bucks to bring it to wife’s family dinner last night. All was relatively normal until dessert time came. People started gushing over the Piecaken and not touching MILs pecan pie. She throws a grown woman hissy fit and tosses 2/3s of the Piecaken in the trash and starts blaming me for trying to upstage her and how she  gets self worth out of people liking her pecan pie and I ruined it. Round two starts in about two hours. It’s going to be a shit show.

We did a similar thing a few years ago - my dad is very proud of his pies (pecan, choco pecan, apple, cherry), one of the random guests brought a store bought pie (pumpkin, which was placed on a dish because we are not heathens), sisters and I quietly instructed everyone to choose the pumpkin pie and comment on how beautiful it looks.  He steamed for a minute but then we all started laughing because we’re mostly a functional family.

[G650 14229]

20 minutes ago, dcbc said:

All in all, it was a good get-together.  Nothing remotely political was uttered.  My sister managed to screw up the mashed potatoes.  Apparently, she's never made mashed potatoes, although I could have sworn she brought them last year.  Anyway, she peeled and boiled them last night and showed up with them cold.  We had to nuke them and I almost broke the potato masher trying to get them to comply.  Ultimately, we ended up with a pretty flavorless mush with the consistency of wet snow.  Thankfully, my dressing was a big, bright, shining star like Dirk Diggler. If she hadn't redeemed this critical error with some killer green beans, we may have had to put her on salad duty for next year.

 

As the keeper of the flame in my family of the mashed potatoes recipe since my grandpap passed 20 years ago, this offends me greatly

[dcbc 14465]

5 minutes ago, G650 said:

 

As the keeper of the flame in my family of the mashed potatoes recipe since my grandpap passed 20 years ago, this offends me greatly

Yeah, I was a bit perturbed.  I thought it to be one of those things that you'd have to work pretty hard at it to mess it up.  But here we are.