Official 2023 bitch about your family @ the Holidays thread

[heso 2794]

3 days out from visiting her family, I get this context free text from my wife: “my sisters are such cunts”

[baboso 6056]

Orphaned, divorced, childless.  These threads keep me from my Kaczynski tendencies.

[TrashMaster G 17554]

12 hours ago, heso said:

3 days out from visiting her family, I get this context free text from my wife: “my sisters are such cunts”

Are they hot?

[NeverMarryAStripper 21905]

12 hours ago, heso said:

3 days out from visiting her family, I get this context free text from my wife: “my sisters are such cunts”

Pics of sister's cunts?

[YGIFS 19450]

13 hours ago, baboso said:

Orphaned, divorced, childless.  These threads keep me from my Kaczynski tendencies.

Well hey, you still got us amigo   

Happy Holidays, Slimy! 

[Parliament 14258]

16 hours ago, heso said:

3 days out from visiting her family, I get this context free text from my wife: “my sisters are such cunts”

Can we get some backstory?  Surly's gonna need context when this all starts.

[BearSchlong 8088]

Can report that Chicago PD responded to a wellness check within 10 minutes, no dogs were killed.

I realize something was amiss when my daughter didn’t text or answer her phone on her way to ORD for her 8 am flight. She was out with friends last night and my wife immediately went to “oh fuck our baby is bleeding out in some alley” but my first thought was that she broke or lost her phone.

Turns out that she overslept.

“Dad, why is a swat team with a battering ram outside my apartment?”

“Yeah about that…”

$180 for a new ticket, AA gave no fucks (nor did I expect them to.)

[nbmishoid 949]

She may remember this time.

[BearSchlong 8088]

Overall, she is exponentially more responsible than me, so I’m not mad.

[ocugolf 1214]

The MIL is migrating south to our house on Christmas Day. She asked us to send her a list of “sentimental gifts” she could get us. Complete bullshit. Just an attempt to not have to buy gifts for the holidays. Totally fine with that notion, just call it what it is. We got her “list” and it was the most over the top “sentimental” crap ever. “When you have time, and I know you are busy, I would like for you to clean out my closet”. “Sharing a meal and togetherness”. 

[Guest]

Sentimental= at least a $75 bottle of whiskey 

or maybe an $18 handle of swill

Edited December 20, 2023 by slorch

[msucolt45 4059]

I like to watch the “Christmas Story” for the ump-teenth time while drinking whiskey and beer until 3AM! It wouldn’t seem like Christmas over the last two+ decades getting my kids’ stuff ready, so 2-3 hours later I can get woken up and then drink coffee like a sailor! Merry Christmas!!!

Hook’em!!!

[Guadaloopy 10964]

We're heading down to Plantersville from Tulsa tomorrow to spend the holiday at my folks' place.  Up until two days ago, we were planning to drive.  My wife saw on Tuesday that rain was forecast for pretty much the whole drive down.  She stresses about driving in the rain to an unhealthy extent, so she decides that she wants to fly down to IAH and rent a car.    

My internal monologue when thinking about flying on the weekend before Christmas:

My internal monologue when debating on how to respond to my wife:

My actual response to my wife when she asked:

 

A cool $1500 for airfare, rental car, and paying for two full sized checked bags to take the gifts we had already wrapped.

Peace on Earth is pricy this year.

 

[CycleTex87 2970]

That’s certainly WTF territory. 

[stc 1461]

learned recently that in the catalonia region they have an interesting addition to their nativity scene...a bare assed man pooping. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caganer

 

 

 

[Guadaloopy 10964]

3 minutes ago, stc said:

learned recently that in the catalonia region they have an interesting addition to their nativity scene...a bare assed man pooping. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caganer

 

 

 

Was just there this fall and the pooping statuary is definitely a thing.  You can by one of just about any popular figure pooping.

[Biff Tannen 45680]

1 hour ago, Guadaloopy said:

We're heading down to Plantersville from Tulsa tomorrow to spend the holiday at my folks' place.  Up until two days ago, we were planning to drive.  My wife saw on Tuesday that rain was forecast for pretty much the whole drive down.  She stresses about driving in the rain to an unhealthy extent, so she decides that she wants to fly down to IAH and rent a car.    

My internal monologue when thinking about flying on the weekend before Christmas:

My internal monologue when debating on how to respond to my wife:

My actual response to my wife when she asked:

 

A cool $1500 for airfare, rental car, and paying for two full sized checked bags to take the gifts we had already wrapped.

Peace on Earth is pricy this year.

 

Wow dude

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

Not family, but nothing like having a lady t-bone my front end near the Domain today as I returned from the office holiday party. Apparently I caused confusion by using my turn signal. No injuries and she was terribly concerned and took full responsibility so about as easy of a bad situation as you can have. But now we'll get to spend the holidays wondering if they'll total my pristine car w/ less than 48K miles on it because the side airbags--but not steering wheel--deployed. I'd tie a good one on tonight but I've gotta work tomorrow.

[Mrs Whiggins 13050]

6 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

We're heading down to Plantersville from Tulsa tomorrow to spend the holiday at my folks' place.  Up until two days ago, we were planning to drive.  My wife saw on Tuesday that rain was forecast for pretty much the whole drive down.  She stresses about driving in the rain to an unhealthy extent, so she decides that she wants to fly down to IAH and rent a car.   

I am so sorry to hear that. 75 to Indian Nations turnpike with a Pikepass through some beautiful rural country and then eventually drop onto 45 and you're there. Made very close to that drive many a time but then again, I like to drive or if I'm the passenger, just window gaze. Nothing against flying, but yeah, it's not an ice storm or anything. Now that (in Oklahoma where ice is so much fun) has led to some interesting holiday travel.

[Guadaloopy 10964]

1 hour ago, Mrs Whiggins said:

I am so sorry to hear that. 75 to Indian Nations turnpike with a Pikepass through some beautiful rural country and then eventually drop onto 45 and you're there. Made very close to that drive many a time but then again, I like to drive or if I'm the passenger, just window gaze. Nothing against flying, but yeah, it's not an ice storm or anything. Now that (in Oklahoma where ice is so much fun) has led to some interesting holiday travel.

Have done the drive many, many times.  I always enjoy it.   But this time it’s not worth the stress of her being stressed.  

[Royalfan5 2354]

While it's really nobodies fault, having my almost 94 year old grandma have a heart attack this week, and have to make her first ever hospital stay that wasn't related to childbirth has really put a dampener on the week. So far everyone has handled it well, although we haven't really told her yet that she needs too much help to continue living at home yet. 

[royiv 9303]

21 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

We're heading down to Plantersville from Tulsa tomorrow to spend the holiday at my folks' place.  Up until two days ago, we were planning to drive.  My wife saw on Tuesday that rain was forecast for pretty much the whole drive down.  She stresses about driving in the rain to an unhealthy extent, so she decides that she wants to fly down to IAH and rent a car.    

My internal monologue when thinking about flying on the weekend before Christmas:

My internal monologue when debating on how to respond to my wife:

My actual response to my wife when she asked:

 

A cool $1500 for airfare, rental car, and paying for two full sized checked bags to take the gifts we had already wrapped.

Peace on Earth is pricy this year.

 

You should've let your Tesla drive you.

[Longboard Horn 40318]

Reposting this from the Auburn board from last year because it’s too damn funny. 

[Guadaloopy 10964]

59 minutes ago, royiv said:

You should've let your Tesla drive you.

That was the plan.  I tell you I was SHOcKeD this morning to get the texts from United that our flight was delayed two hours.  Shocked.  

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

Was planning on doing something simple hosting my wife’s family. Taco bar with the spread. Easy


But my lazy, never hosting, do nothing but drink coffee and lay on couch or sit in chair would “prefer not to have tacos”. Because on Christmas Eve when he’s at his wife’s Christmas, they have tacos. So he’d prefer if his mom cook something like a ham or Turkey and the goods.

Mind you since he travels to his in-laws for Christmas Eve, he won’t be doing any of the cooking or providing for any of the fixings.

They travel a whopping less than 2 hrs, 100 miles.

So now my MIL bought a smoked Turkey she’s gonna cook. I guess we have to get the rest at the grocery store. Can’t get mashed potatoes because he’s allergic to night shades. Can’t cater pasta because his wife doesn’t like noodles and their daughter formed rashes when having red sauce almost 9 years ago and haven’t since tried it to see if she’d break out again. M
This fucking family never hosts or provides food and are the most difficult to feed

Fuck

[NeverMarryAStripper 21905]

Sounds to me like the menu should be pasta with red sauce and a side of mashed taters

[Parliament 14258]

What kinda pansy is allergic to a potato.

[Guadaloopy 10964]

Mom: “Have you read Mike Lindell’s book?”

Me (mustering every bit of restraint in my being): “No, I have not.”

[SHOOTER12 8806]

On 11/27/2023 at 4:45 PM, Frank Drebin said:

Super glue is fantastic for bad knife cuts.

 

On 11/27/2023 at 4:56 PM, nnm said:

Stings like a mofo though. 

No shit, fuck superglue. 

[royiv 9303]

3 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

Mom: “Have you read Mike Lindell’s book?”

Me (mustering every bit of restraint in my being): “No, I have not.”

[Longhornstampede 3182]

On 12/21/2023 at 1:25 PM, Guadaloopy said:

We're heading down to Plantersville from Tulsa tomorrow to spend the holiday at my folks' place.  Up until two days ago, we were planning to drive.  My wife saw on Tuesday that rain was forecast for pretty much the whole drive down.  She stresses about driving in the rain to an unhealthy extent, so she decides that she wants to fly down to IAH and rent a car.    

My internal monologue when thinking about flying on the weekend before Christmas:

My internal monologue when debating on how to respond to my wife:

My actual response to my wife when she asked:

 

A cool $1500 for airfare, rental car, and paying for two full sized checked bags to take the gifts we had already wrapped.

Peace on Earth is pricy this year.

 

Get a new wife.... 

[Frank Drebin 5668]

On 12/21/2023 at 6:22 PM, GhostOfTomJoad said:

Not family, but nothing like having a lady t-bone my front end near the Domain today as I returned from the office holiday party. Apparently I caused confusion by using my turn signal. No injuries and she was terribly concerned and took full responsibility so about as easy of a bad situation as you can have. But now we'll get to spend the holidays wondering if they'll total my pristine car w/ less than 48K miles on it because the side airbags--but not steering wheel--deployed. I'd tie a good one on tonight but I've gotta work tomorrow.

That sucks.  Last week my wife and daughter were t boned on Richmond.  Caused my wife’s SUV to roll.  Both were banged up and scared but okay.  Woman who hit her hasn’t bothered to check in on either.  But she did manage to post from Instagram on her nice beach vacation the next few days.   My wife and 12 year old daughter had to be transported from scene in an ambulance.  And you don’t bother to check in?  We also have a lot of mutual friends with this young woman and it would have taken her 5 seconds to figure that out if she cared.  I can’t imagine causing a wreck like that and not bothering to check on the people you rammed by your gross fucking negligence and being in a hurry/running a stop sign.  
 

It’s pissed me off enough that I’m probably going to sue her spoiled ass when we get back in town.  
 

Flying back to IAH today from Costa Rica should be a blast.  

Edited December 23, 2023 by Frank Drebin

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

8 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

Mom: “Have you read Mike Lindell’s book?”

Me (mustering every bit of restraint in my being): “No, I have not.”

Oooh, she just dropped a BIG HINT. Remember to act really surprised when you unwrap that book on Christmas morning.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

19 minutes ago, Frank Drebin said:

That sucks.  Last week my wife and daughter were t boned on Richmond.  Caused my wife’s SUV to roll.  Both were banged up and scared but okay.  Woman who hit her hasn’t bothered to check in on either.  But she did manage to post from Instagram on her nice beach vacation the next few days.   My wife and 12 year old daughter had to be transported from scene in an ambulance.  And you don’t bother to check in?  We also have a lot of mutual friends with this young woman and it would have taken her 5 seconds to figure that out if she cared.  I can’t imagine causing a wreck like that and not bothering to check on the people you rammed by your gross fucking negligence and being in a hurry/running a stop sign.  
 

It’s pissed me off enough that I’m probably going to sue her spoiled ass when we get back in town.  
 

Flying back to IAH today from Costa Rica should be a blast.  

Man, that really sucks. Glad your wife and daughter are ok. And fuck the guilty lady with a rusty nail. Sounds like a piece of shit. Hell, the stranger who hit me couldn't be nicer. She was crying over what she had done & genuinely contrite. We've exchanged text messages a few times just checking in & making sure everything is ok, making sure insurance info is correct, etc. She's actually restored some of my faith in their being good, responsible people out there.

I just found out yesterday that our adult niece & nephew are coming by on Christmas eve for a pancake brunch & mimosas. That will be fun. But now it's time for me to go pick up the HEB curbside order. Something tells me they'll be busier than most Saturday 7AM slots. 

[Guest]

27 minutes ago, Frank Drebin said:

That sucks.  Last week my wife and daughter were t boned on Richmond.  Caused my wife’s SUV to roll.  Both were banged up and scared but okay.  Woman who hit her hasn’t bothered to check in on either.  But she did manage to post from Instagram on her nice beach vacation the next few days.   My wife and 12 year old daughter had to be transported from scene in an ambulance.  And you don’t bother to check in?  We also have a lot of mutual friends with this young woman and it would have taken her 5 seconds to figure that out if she cared.  I can’t imagine causing a wreck like that and not bothering to check on the people you rammed by your gross fucking negligence and being in a hurry/running a stop sign.  
 

It’s pissed me off enough that I’m probably going to sue her spoiled ass when we get back in town.  
 

Flying back to IAH today from Costa Rica should be a blast.  

To be fair, in today's world, fuck calling that other person.  The lawyers will probably turn into some admission of guilt.

Your dismay is possibly misdirected, is all I'm saying.  I mean we as a society have shitcanned "thoughts and prayers" for "pay me motherfucker" and that's the way we like it.

and for the record, I hope your wife and daughter are OK.

Edited December 23, 2023 by slorch

[Longboard Horn 40318]

49 minutes ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

I just found out yesterday that our adult niece & nephew are coming by on Christmas eve for a pancake brunch & mimosas. That will be fun. But now it's time for me to go pick up the HEB curbside order. Something tells me they'll be busier than most Saturday 7AM slots. 

Better arrange the throw pillows on the couch a certain way or else the wife will be after you again about ruining the Christmas visit. 

[BearSchlong 8088]

That sucks.  Last week my wife and daughter were t boned on Richmond.  Caused my wife’s SUV to roll.  Both were banged up and scared but okay.  Woman who hit her hasn’t bothered to check in on either.  But she did manage to post from Instagram on her nice beach vacation the next few days.   My wife and 12 year old daughter had to be transported from scene in an ambulance.  And you don’t bother to check in?  We also have a lot of mutual friends with this young woman and it would have taken her 5 seconds to figure that out if she cared.  I can’t imagine causing a wreck like that and not bothering to check on the people you rammed by your gross fucking negligence and being in a hurry/running a stop sign.  
 
It’s pissed me off enough that I’m probably going to sue her spoiled ass when we get back in town.  
 
Flying back to IAH today from Costa Rica should be a blast.  

1. Glad everyone is ok.
2. Aren’t you a lawyer?
3. If so, this is the most “I can’t believe the leopards ate my face” post on the internet.
4. Glad everyone is ok.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

45 minutes ago, Longboard Horn said:

Better arrange the throw pillows on the couch a certain way or else the wife will be after you again about ruining the Christmas visit. 

Nah. I just have to promise not to let the nephew get too drunk on mimosas because he & his sister are going to their mom's immediately afterwards. Like it's my responsibility to keep a junior in college from drinking too much before visiting his overly high strung mom?

[nnm 36386]

41 minutes ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

Nah. I just have to promise not to let the nephew get too drunk on mimosas because he & his sister are going to their mom's immediately afterwards. Like it's my responsibility to keep a junior in college from drinking too much before visiting his overly high strung mom?

Exactly why he will be intentionally drinking too much. 

[Longboard Horn 40318]

1 hour ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

Nah. I just have to promise not to let the nephew get too drunk on mimosas because he & his sister are going to their mom's immediately afterwards. Like it's my responsibility to keep a junior in college from drinking too much before visiting his overly high strung mom?

Well in that case, give him some Hennessey instead and make sure he's stewed when he goes to his overbearing mother's house 

[Biff Tannen 45680]

49 minutes ago, Longboard Horn said:

Well in that case, give him some Hennessey instead and make sure he's stewed when he goes to his overbearing mother's house 

Or Hennigan's and then at least he won't smell.

[BearSchlong 8088]

I’m out running last minute errands while my wife, daughter, and DIL nurse hangovers. We went out to the “Kaiser Brothers Family Christmas” last night at Madison’s, which is a righteous small-town hoe-down.

Had to drag them out of there when my daughter started picking a fight with my wife’s ex-husband. I try to be kind to him because he is a tragic alcoholic character who remarried and had kids with my own ex-wife’s doppelgänger who then proceeded to fuck every guy in town.

Then my cousins ex aunt in law delivered a slurred Ted talk that can only be described as a neo-nazi-GQP recruiting pitch to me and my buddy Jimmy simultaneous to my daughter threatening the wife’s ex with Jewish mafia violence. She is dating her first Jew and the novelty is still fresh.

Reminds me why I’m grateful I don’t hang out in bars anymore.

[Brisketexan 105122]

I’m out running last minute errands while my wife, daughter, and DIL nurse hangovers. We went out to the “Kaiser Brothers Family Christmas” last night at Madison’s, which is a righteous small-town hoe-down.

Had to drag them out of there when my daughter started picking a fight with my wife’s ex-husband. I try to be kind to him because he is a tragic alcoholic character who remarried and had kids with my own ex-wife’s doppelgänger who then proceeded to fuck every guy in town.

Then my cousins ex aunt in law delivered a slurred Ted talk that can only be described as a neo-nazi-GQP recruiting pitch to me and my buddy Jimmy simultaneous to my daughter threatening the wife’s ex with Jewish mafia violence. She is dating her first Jew and the novelty is still fresh.

Reminds me why I’m grateful I don’t hang out in bars anymore.

And it reminds me that I need to hang with your family at bars. That sounds positively entertaining.

[BearSchlong 8088]

It checked a lot of boxes that’s for sure

But I sure never imagined my daughter cosplaying a New Jersey Jewish mother. The sopranos unleavened?

I’m being told that this guy might be the one.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

[Guadaloopy 10964]

From my parents’ display of Christmas cards.  

[MissingInAction 25066]

It all makes sense now.

[Biff Tannen 45680]

2 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

From my parents’ display of Christmas cards.  

Good god. I mean, that dress on his barely legal(?) daughter is certainly a choice. 

[Guest]

she's 14.

 

 

[Dnaguy 11953]

Mom and dad come to town.

Wife decides she’s going to cook huge meals and wash all the clothes in the house.

Now I’m in trouble for ‘not doing anything’. 
Try to help with clothes…. I don’t need your help with THAT.

offer to doing the grocery shopping. ‘You always just want to leave’

’why don’t you wrap gifts.’

Start wrapping gifts in room.

’why are you hiding in the room when your family is here?’

What’s crazy is that this is FAR better than she ever is around her parents. Inevitably her mother insults her or our parenting, she then gets in a fight with her mom, somehow I get yelled at, and then I don’t hear then end of it weeks.

What is it with wives and going full on nuts when their parents or your parents come to town? It’s like they want to become some kind of fucking martyr but then take it out on you for not joining in or defending them?! 
 

She used to be normal. I’m almost sure of it. Almost.