Official 2023 bitch about your family @ the Holidays thread

[Parliament 14262]

She’s boinking the neighbor.

[WhatTheBuck 28788]

11 hours ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

Oooh, she just dropped a BIG HINT. Remember to act really surprised when you unwrap that book on Christmas morning.

Or a lumpy pillow. 

[Dnaguy 12002]

7 minutes ago, Parliament said:

She’s boinking the neighbor.

That would at least make sense.

i can wrap my head around that.

[Guest]

Volunteer to go get groceries...

Get shamed for wanting to leave.

 

If they don't let me leave, fuck 'em, I'll be corrupting your children/ the nieces& nephews.

Edited December 24, 2023 by slorch

[Biff Tannen 45692]

The kids in this house get dinner made and we all get kicked out of our table without warning so they can eat. 
 

“Is everyone eating dinner then?”

”Nope. No food for the adults.”

 

Um ok. Guess I’m just going to drink all night then. Scrounge some leftovers in the fridge later. 
 

I wouldn’t honestly mind if I wouldn’t get bitched at for it.  

[Frank Drebin 5648]

13 hours ago, slorch said:

To be fair, in today's world, fuck calling that other person.  The lawyers will probably turn into some admission of guilt.

Your dismay is possibly misdirected, is all I'm saying.  I mean we as a society have shitcanned "thoughts and prayers" for "pay me motherfucker" and that's the way we like it.

and for the record, I hope your wife and daughter are OK.

I mean she ran a stop sign on Drexel and t boned my wife’s vehicle that was heading down Richmond.  It’s on a dash cam from the driver behind the lady who caused it and I’ve got the video which shows the entire incident. This woman was also cited by cops.   Here admission of guilt is irrelevant.  Liability is 100 percent clear.  
 

Her call wouldn’t change her legal case.  It’s just being a decent human.  She didn’t even have to apologize.  Maybe just check on the people who struck and caused a rollover while running a stop sign before heading to Cabo?

[Beau Vine 54258]

Just arrived at the in-laws' place in Denton.  They had Wheel of Fortune on TV, and there was about a 5-minute period where everyone but me stopped and watched it, completely transfixed for some reason.  

I'm surrounded by pod people.

There's no way I'm turning on the Eastern Michigan-South Alabama game and starting the "Whot bowwwwwl is this?" conversation with my mil.  Took a gummy and retreated to the bedroom instead.

[PhillyD 1257]

31 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

 

I'm surrounded by pod people.

There's no way I'm turning on the Eastern Michigan-South Alabama game and starting the "Whot bowwwwwl is this?" conversation with my mil. 

I've never heard of that bowl.  Where do they play it?  Why do they have so many bowls?  Who are these teams?  Where is that school?  What's it called again?  

Every damn year.  Have a gummy for me please.

[Beau Vine 54258]

Just now, PhillyD said:

I've never heard of that bowl.  Where do they play it?  Why do they have so many bowls?  Who are these teams?  Where is that school?  What's it called again?  

Every damn year.  Have a gummy for me please.

No, it goes liike this:

"Whot bowwwwwl is this?"

"It's Eastern Michigan-South Alabama."

"No, whot bowwwwl is this?"

"It's Eastern Michigan-South Alabama; they're playing in Mobile, Alabama."

"Yes, but whot bowwwwwl is this?"

"Are you seriously asking me which company paid to be the primary advertiser for this game?  Why would anyone care about that?"

"Whot bowwwwwl is this?"

 

[Chewbacca 7780]

Just arrived at the in-laws' place in Denton.  They had Wheel of Fortune on TV, and there was about a 5-minute period where everyone but me stopped and watched it, completely transfixed for some reason.  
I'm surrounded by pod people.
There's no way I'm turning on the Eastern Michigan-South Alabama game and starting the "Whot bowwwwwl is this?" conversation with my mil.  Took a gummy and retreated to the bedroom instead.

You live in CO now. Each successive visit to Texas will feel more foreign.

[Beau Vine 54258]

I'm lying in bed trying to get the back spasms to subside.  They're eating dinner at the table.  

I just walked out there for a second and I heard fil describing a video he saw on youtube where a dog was licking a cat.  These are literally the least interesting people on the planet.

 

[nnm 36469]

[Dnaguy 12002]

32 minutes ago, nnm said:

The Germans have always known when to make folks feel unwelcome….: 

[Biff Tannen 45692]

44 minutes ago, nnm said:

This is incredible 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

In English you just say “go home fuckers”

[Paco 1934]

My great grandfather used to say "If I was someplace else I'd go home now".

[Al_4_ISU 12469]

I wonder if there’s an equivalent for politely trying to leave?

Going to my mom’s today, and she and my wife are the world’s worst Midwest Goodbye-ers. It will be an hour, minimum, from the first time I suggest we need to head out until we actually leave.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9337]

Once you've uttered "welp, I s'pose" after placing your hands on your knees in a Midwestern home you're required to exit within 90 seconds. It's damn near law in Minnesota! How could they violate this rule?

[Al_4_ISU 12469]

Once you've uttered "welp, I s'pose" after placing your hands on your knees in a Midwestern home you're required to exit within 90 seconds. It's damn near law in Minnesota! How could they violate this rule?

No, no, no.

“Welp spose” merely initiates the process to actually leave the premises. The host will consider it their obligation to not be impolite and push you out, and the leaver will consider it their obligation to not to appear too eager to leave.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9337]

Lulz. Well, I guess 45+ years ago as a kid in MN my grampa didn't have time for all of the etiquette. When his hands hit his knees it everyone was heading for the door like the building was on fire.

Greatest memory of Grampa was watching as he and Gramma pulled up in their big Chrysler New Yorker. Except they didn't stop. They slowed, and then drove off. I watched this from the living room window and called out "hey Dad, Gram and Grampa just drove by and left. Aren't they coming for dinner?" My old man responded by asking me what time it was. I glanced at the clock and said "4 o'clock." He said "look at it again. What's the EXACT time." It was like 3:58. He said "when it's 4 o'clock on the dot, they'll be here." Sure enough, Gramps just drove around the block, pulled in at 4, and when they came in the house he checked his watch against our wall clock to make sure they were in sync.

[Al_4_ISU 12469]

Lulz. Well, I guess 45+ years ago as a kid in MN my grampa didn't have time for all of the etiquette. When his hands hit his knees it everyone was heading for the door like the building was on fire.
Greatest memory of Grampa was watching as he and Gramma pulled up in their big Chrysler New Yorker. Except they didn't stop. They slowed, and then drove off. I watched this from the living room window and called out "hey Dad, Gram and Grampa just drove by and left. Aren't they coming for dinner?" My old man responded by asking me what time it was. I glanced at the clock and said "4 o'clock." He said "look at it again. What's the EXACT time." It was like 3:58. He said "when it's 4 o'clock on the dot, they'll be here." Sure enough, Gramps just drove around the block, pulled in at 4, and when they came in the house he checked his watch against our wall clock to make sure they were in sync.

Old men generally don’t. My wife and mother? Completely different story. At this point I think they know how much I hate it and do it on purpose.

I love your grandpa’s dedication to punctuality.

[pearlandhorn 3274]

Here we go.

Wife and son came up to Tyler on Friday. I had the work late Friday and came up yesterday. Drug addled SIL was up here on Wednesday at my in laws. We get a call Tuesday morning that she has invited a guy (51) to Christmas that no one in the family has met. SIL and him met on a cruise 3 weeks ago. My wife finds out yesterday that she is moving in with him after they get back from another cruise next week. Oh, he lives in NC. This’ll get interesting. I haven’t been over there yet. This SIL hasn’t spoken to my wife since my wife found her blitzed out of her mind at the end of the summer. Won’t return calls, texts, nothing. Yet, acts like nothing is wrong at all at my in laws. She’s heavily on the booze and drank so much Friday night that she got sick. She’s communicating with the ex husband, other BF (with the girlfriend), and this new guy from NC. If I didn’t mention it before, she’s still sleeping with her ex, involved with a yard maintenance guy and his girlfriend (threesome style), and this new guy. The new guy is completely oblivious and naive about everything. About 3 weeks ago, she stopped communicating with everyone and my FIL drove to Huntsville to ex husbands apartment and found both of them naked, dressed up in Magic the Gathering makeup, playing a fucking game. They were both fucked up beyond belief. I wouldn’t mind ex husband showing up tomorrow just for the lulz. 
 

Other SIL flies in and gets here at midnight tonight. Because who would want to be sleeping at midnight on Christmas Eve? My FIL is picking her up from the airport. Her 65 year old sugar daddy (former Microsoft programmer or something) is driving from ATL to Dallas then to Tyler to pick her up this next Thursday. At least I don’t have to see that douche. I don’t blame him one bit for shoving her on a plane. Driving 12 plus hours with that would make me want to jump out of the car at 75 mph. Can’t wait to get parenting advice from someone who doesn’t have kids!

Oh, my parents toilet and shower has overflowed. Drain is clogged and we have to call an emergency plumber. 

I’ll update with more drama as it occurs. Christmas is making up for a lackluster thanksgiving already.

[Al_4_ISU 12469]

Here we go.
Wife and son came up to Tyler on Friday. I had the work late Friday and came up yesterday. Drug addled SIL was up here on Wednesday at my in laws. We get a call Tuesday morning that she has invited a guy (51) to Christmas that no one in the family has met. SIL and him met on a cruise 3 weeks ago. My wife finds out yesterday that she is moving in with him after they get back from another cruise next week. Oh, he lives in NC. This’ll get interesting. I haven’t been over there yet. This SIL hasn’t spoken to my wife since my wife found her blitzed out of her mind at the end of the summer. Won’t return calls, texts, nothing. Yet, acts like nothing is wrong at all at my in laws. She’s heavily on the booze and drank so much Friday night that she got sick. She’s communicating with the ex husband, other BF (with the girlfriend), and this new guy from NC. If I didn’t mention it before, she’s still sleeping with her ex, involved with a yard maintenance guy and his girlfriend (threesome style), and this new guy. The new guy is completely oblivious and naive about everything. About 3 weeks ago, she stopped communicating with everyone and my FIL drove to Huntsville to ex husbands apartment and found both of them naked, dressed up in Magic the Gathering makeup, playing a fucking game. They were both fucked up beyond belief. I wouldn’t mind ex husband showing up tomorrow just for the lulz. 
 
Other SIL flies in and gets here at midnight tonight. Because who would want to be sleeping at midnight on Christmas Eve? My FIL is picking her up from the airport. Her 65 year old sugar daddy (former Microsoft programmer or something) is driving from ATL to Dallas then to Tyler to pick her up this next Thursday. At least I don’t have to see that douche. I don’t blame him one bit for shoving her on a plane. Driving 12 plus hours with that would make me want to jump out of the car at 75 mph. Can’t wait to get parenting advice from someone who doesn’t have kids!
Oh, my parents toilet and shower has overflowed. Drain is clogged and we have to call an emergency plumber. 

I’ll update with more drama as it occurs. Christmas is making up for a lackluster thanksgiving already.

Is ho-bag SIL hot?

[pearlandhorn 3274]

3 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Is ho-bag SIL hot?

No. No. No. 

[Al_4_ISU 12469]

No. No. No. 

The question needed asked.

[CooterBrown 18015]

We had Xmas with my parents yesterday.

My mom has a cousin that has lived in Switzerland forever. He’s never really worked since he left the US in the 80s. He’s 65 and has
a 30-something Russian wife. His dad casually mentioned that he’d finally gotten rid of his US citizenship and he splits time between Zurich and Moscow. For the first time ever, I heard he left the US because of undisclosed legal issues and to avoid the IRS.

I now picture this cousin as:

[Parliament 14262]

Dunno.  I think I like the guy.

[Longboard Horn 40373]

17 hours ago, Dnaguy said:

That would at least make sense.

i can wrap my head around that.

Hopefully the neighbor is wrapping his "head" too

[Royalfan5 2354]

1 hour ago, pearlandhorn said:

No. No. No. 

sounds like she puts out though

[Pato del Muerto 52529]

1 hour ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Is ho-bag SIL hot?

 

5 minutes ago, Royalfan5 said:

sounds like she puts out though

The midwesterners are thirsty af this Xmas 

[GhostofDanJones 336]

One of my younger brothers is dating a nice Asian girl and announced at dinner last night that he's most likely going to become a Buddhist and convert to the Buddhism faith. Me, my mother and other siblings don't care since we're not very religious, but my hardcore Baptist grandma nearly had a coronary after hearing that and wouldn’t speak to him for the rest of the night. Christmas Day should be interesting since we'll all be at her house with his girlfriend included. Stay tuned...  

[Beau Vine 54258]

 "Do you read Family Circle in the funny pages?" is actually a sentence that was uttered in the year 2023.

[GhostofDanJones 336]

15 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

No, it goes liike this:

"Whot bowwwwwl is this?"

"It's Eastern Michigan-South Alabama."

"No, whot bowwwwl is this?"

"It's Eastern Michigan-South Alabama; they're playing in Mobile, Alabama."

"Yes, but whot bowwwwwl is this?"

"Are you seriously asking me which company paid to be the primary advertiser for this game?  Why would anyone care about that?"

"Whot bowwwwwl is this?"

 

Geez Beau, just tell her it's the 68 Ventures Bowl. How hard is that? That also might get her to shut up.

[Beau Vine 54258]

3 minutes ago, GhostofDanJones said:

Geez Beau, just tell her it's the 68 Ventures Bowl. How hard is that? That also might get her to shut up.

[Armybrat 40851]

5 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

 "Do you read Family Circle in the funny pages?" is actually a sentence that was uttered in the year 2023.

Sometimes.

[Beau Vine 54258]

And none of the speaker stuff is hooked up.

Edited December 24, 2023 by Beau Vine

[MissingInAction 25110]

I just know there's a bowl of ribbon candy in that room.

[Sbbruin 21861]

2 hours ago, pearlandhorn said:

Here we go.

Wife and son came up to Tyler on Friday. I had the work late Friday and came up yesterday. Drug addled SIL was up here on Wednesday at my in laws. We get a call Tuesday morning that she has invited a guy (51) to Christmas that no one in the family has met. SIL and him met on a cruise 3 weeks ago. My wife finds out yesterday that she is moving in with him after they get back from another cruise next week. Oh, he lives in NC. This’ll get interesting. I haven’t been over there yet. This SIL hasn’t spoken to my wife since my wife found her blitzed out of her mind at the end of the summer. Won’t return calls, texts, nothing. Yet, acts like nothing is wrong at all at my in laws. She’s heavily on the booze and drank so much Friday night that she got sick. She’s communicating with the ex husband, other BF (with the girlfriend), and this new guy from NC. If I didn’t mention it before, she’s still sleeping with her ex, involved with a yard maintenance guy and his girlfriend (threesome style), and this new guy. The new guy is completely oblivious and naive about everything. About 3 weeks ago, she stopped communicating with everyone and my FIL drove to Huntsville to ex husbands apartment and found both of them naked, dressed up in Magic the Gathering makeup, playing a fucking game. They were both fucked up beyond belief. I wouldn’t mind ex husband showing up tomorrow just for the lulz. 
 

Other SIL flies in and gets here at midnight tonight. Because who would want to be sleeping at midnight on Christmas Eve? My FIL is picking her up from the airport. Her 65 year old sugar daddy (former Microsoft programmer or something) is driving from ATL to Dallas then to Tyler to pick her up this next Thursday. At least I don’t have to see that douche. I don’t blame him one bit for shoving her on a plane. Driving 12 plus hours with that would make me want to jump out of the car at 75 mph. Can’t wait to get parenting advice from someone who doesn’t have kids!

Oh, my parents toilet and shower has overflowed. Drain is clogged and we have to call an emergency plumber. 

I’ll update with more drama as it occurs. Christmas is making up for a lackluster thanksgiving already.

Leave it to @pearlandhorn to get things turnt up.  Excellent.

[Parliament 14262]

1 hour ago, GhostofDanJones said:

One of my younger brothers is dating a nice Asian girl…

Go on…

 

[pearlandhorn 3274]

1 hour ago, Sbbruin said:

Leave it to @pearlandhorn to get things turnt up.  Excellent.

I was wrong. From this point forward, I’ll call whiny, know it all SIL the moocher SIL and the druggie SIL Druggie SIL.

Moocher SIL just tried to give my border collie CBD because she “needs to chill”. Hey bitch, she’s a border collie. She has no chill.

Moocher SIL and old sugar daddy are in fact here for some reason. Druggist SIL is already half a bottle of Evan Williams deep. 

[cactusflinthead 27601]

1 minute ago, pearlandhorn said:

Evan Williams

[Mrs Whiggins 13050]

1 hour ago, MissingInAction said:

I just know there's a bowl of ribbon candy in that room.

And a collection of miniature spoons.

[G650 14263]

1 hour ago, pearlandhorn said:

I was wrong. From this point forward, I’ll call whiny, know it all SIL the moocher SIL and the druggie SIL Druggie SIL.

Moocher SIL just tried to give my border collie CBD because she “needs to chill”. Hey bitch, she’s a border collie. She has no chill.

Moocher SIL and old sugar daddy are in fact here for some reason. Druggist SIL is already half a bottle of Evan Williams deep. 

[4th&Five 41563]

My mil texted my wife and asked to FaceTime last night. My wife told her that she and both girls are on day 3 of Covid and maybe they’ll feel better to FT on Xmas. Her exact reply to hearing her daughter and grandchildren feel like ass:

😜😃😳

[ocugolf 1214]

8 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

No, no, no.

“Welp spose” merely initiates the process to actually leave the premises. The host will consider it their obligation to not be impolite and push you out, and the leaver will consider it their obligation to not to appear too eager to leave.

Pre-Facebook, my dad’s go to “get these people out of my house” move was talking about bringing out the vacation photos. That shit used to be punishment. Now it’s how a large percentage of females their self worth.

[Goofyboy 3293]

I was wrong. From this point forward, I’ll call whiny, know it all SIL the moocher SIL and the druggie SIL Druggie SIL.
Moocher SIL just tried to give my border collie CBD because she “needs to chill”. Hey bitch, she’s a border collie. She has no chill.
Moocher SIL and old sugar daddy are in fact here for some reason. Druggist SIL is already half a bottle of Evan Williams deep. 

What size bottle?

[GhostOfTomJoad 9337]

Had a great brunch with the niece & nephew. They got matching symbolic tattoos yesterday & had some drinks in downtown ATX. Nephew had a serious case of the beer shits & about destroyed the downstairs bathroom. I should have lit the candle as soon as they walked in the door.

Turkey is roasting in the oven and Mrs GOTJ let me stuff her earlier today so I am way ahead on the festive cheer scale.

Peace, y'all. The surly family is weird, wide & diverse. But it's the one I enjoy visiting the most this time of year.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9337]

Pre-Facebook, my dad’s go to “get these people out of my house” move was talking about bringing out the vacation photos. That shit used to be punishment. Now it’s how a large percentage of females their self worth.

That was a baller move by your dad. I bet people ran for the fucking door.

[Sandman 3403]

The extended family went to a basketball game last night. My BIL got into a bit of a tiff with my future SIL. My SIL is very fired up about his sports teams, so he was yelling and cheering and let slip a couple of f-bombs and "Jesus Christ!". I wasn't really paying attention to him and it was loud as fuck, so I missed the whole "confrontation". My BIL asked him to tone down the language, as we had an 8 year old there, plus my very churchy MIL. SIL declined to tone it down and instead left. He later texted my wife to say he left to avoid causing a scene, but he felt my BIL should have spoken to him more discreetly. As I said, I missed all of this, I was watching the game and looking at my phone.

Of course, this is the year that we host the Christmas gathering, so both of the offended parties will be at my house tomorrow. I think they both need to just STFU and forget it ever happened but that would be too easy.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

So we’re supposed to get a pretty rare ice storm tomorrow afternoon- Tuesday. Super rare to be in late December, normally it’d be snow. So we put off Christmas until Saturday. My one BIL said that’s fine. My MiL were in favor of that. They both live 40 miles on opposite ends of town. Everyone was in agreement except for my one BiL who I whined about earlier.


Since they’re traveling back tomorrow before the storm is supposed to hit, everyone else should. They live in the same town and could make it to my house with no problem. Dude had a problem with it saying it won’t be bad, he’s had to drive in bad weather before blah blah. He’s always had potential to be a huge twat but I’ve always gotten along with him. He’s pretty nice. Just a pain in the ass this week, well around every holiday he’s a do nothing no help loser. Other than that, fine.


So I’m making tacos again tomorrow since were not expecting company