Official 2023 bitch about your family @ the Holidays thread

[Al_4_ISU 12,623]

Jesus Christ, my in-laws are Olympic champion level dawdlers and general time wasters.

[Gil Bang 26,230]

On 12/23/2023 at 11:35 AM, Guadaloopy said:

From my parents’ display of Christmas cards.  

I had assumed that the dog froze to death.  Glad to see it's still alive. 

[leaf 718]

5 hours ago, Helobious said:

Not sure if this belongs here but last night was the 2nd straight year where I didn’t win a single fucking round at Lotería at the family christmas. And grandma who can barely hear anymore is just raking in everyone’s cash. I have no way to prove it but I know there’s fuckery involved. 

Based on your history here.  Are you really that surprised that you didn’t win at Loteria?

[BurntEyes 6,291]

4 hours ago, 4th&Five said:

Anyone else’s family eat at weird times on the holidays for absolutely no reason? Why are we waiting until 1:30 to eat when everyone is hungry at noon? I’ve lost the fight on this for a decade. 

It's always a 1:00 request for arrival and a 2-2:30 time for sitting and eating. Now, to be fair my BIL and sister always host (small cellular family), but this meal time makes no sense. I'm grateful for the good food and relatively calm gathering (see this thread), however, that means I'm hungry again at 9-10 pm. I'm fucking old, I can't be eating at bed time.

Now get off my lawn and continue with the real problems I clearly don't face.

Edited December 25, 2023 by BurntEyes

[Beau Vine 55,859]

I hope Ted's girls got nosejobs for Christmas.

[4th&Five 41,985]

My dad gave my mom a gift she was too embarrassed to show us. I had to sneak a picture when she went to the bathroom. 

[GhostOfTomJoad 9,508]

This Team Tucker?

Oh no, I see it's worse.

[tbone_ 14,438]

My dad gave my mom a gift she was too embarrassed to show us. I had to sneak a picture when she went to the bathroom. 

Yikes

[pearlandhorn 3,343]

Grand finale Christmas gift: in laws are renting a house near Orlando and invited all sisters and their “spouses” to come out in the middle of June.

Guess who gets to spend their vacation with two deadbeat SILs wandering around Disney in the middle of June this year?

I got a used tool set (no shit) from my FIL. I already got a socket set last year.

Deadbeat SIL is a manager of a CBD store in ATL. My wife got enough CBD shit to open up her own fucking store.

[G650 14,437]

1 hour ago, BurntEyes said:

), however, that means I'm hungry again at 9-10 pm. I'm fucking old, I can't be eating at bed time.

If that's your bedtime you aren't that damn old

[Slacks 7,047]

10 hours ago, Brothahorn said:

Both my boys in about 30 years.
 

Same

[HornPhD 1,389]

At my wife’s sister’s place. Her boyfriend is a MAGA; however, they like watching football and have a nice whiskey collection. Could be worse. 

[Royalfan5 2,384]

9 hours ago, Parliament said:

Grain Belt and Old Style.

Say what you want about Lincoln Nebraska but I can always snag these at rock bottom prices, and that counts for something. 

[troph 25,198]

Watching lampoons Christmas vacay last night at 9pm so far a great Christmas. First in our new home, played board games for my mom earlier, chili was on point (no beans), football earlier, just great. 
 

plan was presents and stockings in the morning and then French toast for breakfast around 11am then mill around building computers tinkering with my son’s new truck and then head over to my wife’s sister’s in onion creek for dinner - for dinner.
 

Last night 930pm or so, the text comes in, we are supposed to be at her sister’s house at 11:30am.  I’m super irritated, but I barely react. I did call it unthoughtful bordering on rude but kept it between the two of us and told my crew the plans. Wife is upset I’m irritated.  Nearly got in a fucking fight over it, I’m like whoa!? She thinks in making a deal out of it and she says she will go alone. It’s about to go nuts, I’m like hey, my plans just got completely upended and I’m rolling with it and I’m in trouble?! We get through it and go to her sisters house. 
 

lunch was fucking awful. Snow peas, carrots, collard greens and Parmesan cheese and a prime rib roast. Meat was pretty good. The rest was nearly gag worthy. 
 

finally got home and had to run my mom home and do some other things and settled into a real Christmas dinner… alone. Tamales, chili and queso, beans and potatoes drowned in queso and some beer. 

 

 

we had a great Christmas even though the schedule BS and “dinner” at 11:30am was atrocious. Tamales and chili with queso was legit.

Edited December 26, 2023 by troph

[Guest]

13 hours ago, pearlandhorn said:

Grand finale Christmas gift: in laws are renting a house near Orlando and invited all sisters and their “spouses” to come out in the middle of June.

Guess who gets to spend their vacation with two deadbeat SILs wandering around Disney in the middle of June this year?

I got a used tool set (no shit) from my FIL. I already got a socket set last year.

Deadbeat SIL is a manager of a CBD store in ATL. My wife got enough CBD shit to open up her own fucking store.

Pawn the tools and buy drugs.

It’s the circle of life.

[Al_4_ISU 12,623]

11 hours ago, HornPhD said:

At my wife’s sister’s place. Her boyfriend is a MAGA; however, they like watching football and have a nice whiskey collection. Could be worse. 

While watching football with them, you should play the "drink every time he drops a Dog Whistle" game.

[nnm 37,896]

 

[Sandman 3,430]

Our Christmas went off without a hitch, no drama at all. So thankful. And plenty of leftovers to eat today.

[Parliament 14,593]

So if Parliament can’t avoid getting sucked into family/old people drama, nobody can.

Mom bought a 2nd TV.  She has basic cable and insisted it’ll work without a cable box.  Probably? So?  Didn’t the Federal Government mandate that a few years ago, that tv’s needed tuners built in?

Anyway.  No go.  Running through the options now.  Pretty sure mom’s up a creek and she’s gonna want me to go find one today.  Will feel obligated as she’ll otherwise dump it on my BiL’s.  But hey, they can say no too.

I’ll keep you posted.

[Jerry Callo 8,958]

On 12/24/2023 at 9:59 PM, Biff Tannen said:

Most definitely saw my BIL on surly on his phone tonight so it’s been real yall. I will only lurk on this thread from now on. 
 

dammit. 
 

That's ok.  We really want to see your BIL's version of your nutty family Christmas anyway.  Please neg it when you see it so we can identify it.

[WhatTheBuck 28,928]

On 12/25/2023 at 8:09 AM, Post Oak said:

My wife spent hours planning a trip to Disney for our 8 year olds.  She was on message boards and FB groups to try to figure out what to do and find the best deals. 

Once we decided what we were going to do. She spent a lot of time planning the reveal. How she was going to tell them.  

She did this all with little to no help from me.

Ultimately she planned a scavenger hunt on Christmas morning.  We were up late last night setting up the clues.

We recorded the whole thing.  She was so excited.  Once they got the clues together they had to put them in order to reveal the surprise.

"The Post Oaks Meet The Mouse March 2024".

Once it dawns on them what is happening my daughter said into the camera she would rather have gotten a puppy.

I’ll bet she’ll change her tune after she visits the Magic Kingdom. You can get her a puppy later. 

[WhatTheBuck 28,928]

20 hours ago, leaf said:

Based on your history here.  Are you really that surprised that you didn’t win at Loteria?

He and Hermanator should play one-on-one. 

[ChuckNorrisActionJeans 2,692]

I am hungover AF today. My mom sits down right next to me with her People magazine and proceeds to start reading to me every single stupid thing in there. Has to comment on it all too, like who looks good for their age, who doesn't... oh and Bad Bunny and Kylie broke up. Seriously. I'm grunting mostly but also remarking here and there like "who possibly cares about those people" and she still can't read the room. Starting to think she is actually trying to piss me off on purpose. Out of here tomorrow, yay.

[troph 25,198]

4 hours ago, ChuckNorrisActionJeans said:

I am hungover AF today. My mom sits down right next to me with her People magazine and proceeds to start reading to me every single stupid thing in there. Has to comment on it all too, like who looks good for their age, who doesn't... oh and Bad Bunny and Kylie broke up. Seriously. I'm grunting mostly but also remarking here and there like "who possibly cares about those people" and she still can't read the room. Starting to think she is actually trying to piss me off on purpose. Out of here tomorrow, yay.

Drink of choice?

I haven’t even skimmed the cover of a people magazine at HEB in years let alone read one. Jesus. 
 

my mom was good people this year. Though we went to my now official in laws - brother and sister in law mentioned above. Father in law and mother in law there too, they’ve got health issues from age anyway I’m not a huge fan of mixing families at this point, Jesus Christ it was awkward. 

[msucolt45 4,227]

If you really want to know the “family feelings” break out the whiskey/scotch bottle and shot glasses. Within two hours and a bottle or so, you’ll all be singing Christmas carols or MMA fighting in the living room! Truly priceless - only this time of the year can reveal!

Hook’em!!!

[Zepol87 9,340]

Gf family does elfster for the adults and evidently someone didn’t see who they had to buy for right or something and got a gift for the wrong person, so 1 person got 2 gifts and 1 got nothing. It started huge bullshit fight about respect and nonsense. Fun night

[NWBuck 8,629]

On 12/25/2023 at 7:14 PM, Royalfan5 said:

Say what you want about Lincoln Nebraska but I can always snag these at rock bottom prices, and that counts for something. 

Tremendous need to be easily drunk in Lincoln Nebraska 

[NWBuck 8,629]

On 12/25/2023 at 3:01 PM, 4th&Five said:

My dad gave my mom a gift she was too embarrassed to show us. I had to sneak a picture when she went to the bathroom. 

Something something Mother Tucker something. 

I'll keep workshopping it... 

[Royalfan5 2,384]

1 hour ago, NWBuck said:

Tremendous need to be easily drunk in Lincoln Nebraska 

Usually when they put out the drunkest cities maps, Lincoln and Fargo are the only non-Wisconsin cities in the upper reaches of the list. (For Old Style, Lincoln was/is the second biggest market after Chicago, and is very close to having the biggest Busch Light market by share as well)

[Al_4_ISU 12,623]

Usually when they put out the drunkest cities maps, Lincoln and Fargo are the only non-Wisconsin cities in the upper reaches of the list. (For Old Style, Lincoln was/is the second biggest market after Chicago, and is very close to having the biggest Busch Light market by share as well)

Ames, Iowa City, and Mankato and Winona MN usually end up in there too

2023 list

https://worldpopulationreview.com/us-city-rankings/drunkest-cities-in-america

[Royalfan5 2,384]

2 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Ames, Iowa City, and Mankato and Winona MN usually end up in there too

2023 list

https://worldpopulationreview.com/us-city-rankings/drunkest-cities-in-america

Midwestern Power Drinking isn't something that is fully grasped by people out of the area. 

[Nice Guy Eddie 13,725]

On 12/25/2023 at 5:49 PM, pearlandhorn said:

Grand finale Christmas gift: in laws are renting a house near Orlando and invited all sisters and their “spouses” to come out in the middle of June.

Guess who gets to spend their vacation with two deadbeat SILs wandering around Disney in the middle of June this year?

I got a used tool set (no shit) from my FIL. I already got a socket set last year.

Deadbeat SIL is a manager of a CBD store in ATL. My wife got enough CBD shit to open up her own fucking store.

Have you forgotten about the system critical project that is going live at work in the middle of June? It's your top priority for 2024 to make sure that it's goes off without a hitch. Everything is riding on you being there to help/lead/support/whatever. You have 6 months to get out of Orlando.

17 hours ago, ChuckNorrisActionJeans said:

I am hungover AF today. My mom sits down right next to me with her People magazine and proceeds to start reading to me every single stupid thing in there. Has to comment on it all too, like who looks good for their age, who doesn't... oh and Bad Bunny and Kylie broke up. Seriously. I'm grunting mostly but also remarking here and there like "who possibly cares about those people" and she still can't read the room. Starting to think she is actually trying to piss me off on purpose. Out of here tomorrow, yay.

meh. Your mom is probably just trying to find something to talk to you about. Or maybe she's just annoying.

[Al_4_ISU 12,623]

6 minutes ago, Royalfan5 said:

Midwestern Power Drinking isn't something that is fully grasped by people out of the area. 

Not even a little.  I've always loved the Chuck Klosterman quote about how different Midwestern drinking is.  Something to the effect of you have to stay focused, and consume with purpose.

And Wisconsin ups the ante even for seasoned drinkers from the rest of the Midwest.  They're on their own thing there.

 

[YGIFS 19,458]

Man, I hadn't thought about that Klosterman paragraph in a long while.  Takes me back.  David Foster Wallace also had a similar observation when he was doing the county fair stories around the midwest way back when (RIP).  

I've listened to dozens of Tall Texas Tales about drinking a 12-pack in a deer blind or fishing boat on a chilly day like they were Ernest Shackelford.  But I think back to both sides of my family growing up.  Trips to the Northwoods or Southern Ontario (WI/MN/Upper/et. al.).  Those guys would get off the water periodically to come into the cabin to take a shit or get a hot meal or add/drop layers.  2-3 trips off the middle of the lake to get warm, etc.  While inside, they'd pound 6-10 Old Styles each without saying a word to one another.  The idea being, and this is not taking anything away from Texas sportsmen who can spend a few hours outside at 30* with all kinda Filson tac gear, they needed to chug the beer while near the fire/furnace so they could acclimate the cold beer to body temp and still absorb the alcohol.  You drink that much on a nearly frozen lake, your body will freak the fuck out at all the cold liquid since they're just wearing gear from Sears or some local outfitter.  They'd take a handful of beers on the boat with 'em, but it was drink some whiskey with 4 beers with breakfast, couple on the boat, 6+ at lunch in the cabin, couple on the boat, 6+ late afternoon, few more with dinner, few more before bed.  It's nothing to drink 8 beers on the water in Texas in the Summer, but you can't do that when it's single digits---the cold liquid just burns you up (not in a good way).  So they'd do 30 beers each per day for 3 straight days.  Plus a little whiskey, maybe some milk.  Couple weekends per month from October to March.  If the lake was totally frozen, then it was ice fishing.  Which is a whole 'nother drinking strategy that you have to see to believe.

My brother lives near the Illinois-Iowa border midway down.  He's a bow hunter first.  Those guys can't drink much, if at all, because of the physical demands of the several miles of tracking each day.  But that same group will go fishing in December and put away 25 beers without blinking over the course of a day and maybe say 9 words to one another while inside because they conserve every bit of physical reserves/motions to absorbing the booze and getting back up to warm after chugging all the cold fluid.  It's a serious system.  I moved away before I was old enough to drink beer like that, so I'm still in awe of it when I go back to visit and fish.  I can't do it like that anymore but they can just get their late Autumn to early Spring gameface on and go like that multiple times a month.  I mean, we can do that here in Texas in reverse.  Drink 10-20 beers in a day fishing or boating or at a festival or football tailgate but it's not hard on your body to absorb 40 degree beer in 90 degree weather.  You just sweat and piss and get a nice buzz.  As AI_4_ISU points out, theirs is a totally different game  if you plan to spend any serious amount of time outside in the elements.  

 

[Al_4_ISU 12,623]

And it's not just socially accepted alcoholism either.  Many of these people have jobs or activities that require them to go long periods of time with minimal or no alcohol consumption.  It's like a switch that can be flipped on and off by otherwise normal people.  There are plenty of functional (and non-functional) alcoholics in the Midwest (I know multiple people that drink at least a 12 pack per day and never miss work), but it's actually more common to not drink every day and just bring it when it needs brought.

Goes back to the old country(s) I suppose.  Lots of Germans, Irish, and Czechs.

Edited December 27, 2023 by Al_4_ISU

[YGIFS 19,458]

Yeah, that's a good point.  At least in our extended family up there and old friends of my father/uncles/etc.  They would go the whole work week with no alcohol, maybe one night of playing cards or a work thing or dinner party.  But all-day Friday/Saturday/Sunday fishing trips a couples times a month, it was 20-30 beers each day and done with focusness.  As you say, it was a light switch they almost all seemed to have.  Took one of my cousins years ago to fish in Wisconsin before Christmas.  He is from South Texas/RGV.  He brings a 6 pack per person out onto the boat for the 4 of us.  On his third beer, he reminded me of the Cop's kid on "The Simpsons"....and is crying out, "It tastes like burning!"  get back to the lodge, we're drinking like it's the end of the world and he's shivering by the fire.  Same guy can go on a dove hunt for a few hours at 40* and drink just fine.  But last I checked, most hunting takes place on dryland.  The wind on those open winter waters is an altogether different matter.  

Anyway, back to in-laws.  We have one more visit from two of 'em this holiday break.  But they're the easier ones to hang with.  Feels weird to have gotten all the family shit over with so quickly with the kids still being off school for another 12-13 days.  Other than the Sugar Bowl and catching up on work, I ain't shit to do and can't drink.  Dammit, I had something for this! 

[Guest]

Ice fishing...deer blinds.  Fuuuuuuckk.  I can do this process while watching 12 hours of football on Saturday-Sunday for 5 straight months.

Y'all act like pounding beer flavored water is some achievement, when in reality, it's just really shitty beer.

Add in the family layer, and yeah, day drinking isn't some crazy ass mindset.

Edited December 27, 2023 by slorch

[tbone_ 14,438]

And it's not just socially accepted alcoholism either.  Many of these people have jobs or activities that require them to go long periods of time with minimal or no alcohol consumption.  It's like a switch that can be flipped on and off by otherwise normal people.  There are plenty of functional (and non-functional) alcoholics in the Midwest (I know multiple people that drink at least a 12 pack per day and never miss work), but it's actually more common to not drink every day and just bring it when it needs brought.
Goes back to the old country(s) I suppose.  Lots of Germans, Irish, and Czechs.

As someone with extended family in North Dakota, I can confirm.

And don’t sleep on the Norwegians.

[Frank Drebin 5,834]

12 hours ago, Zepol87 said:

Gf family does elfster for the adults and evidently someone didn’t see who they had to buy for right or something and got a gift for the wrong person, so 1 person got 2 gifts and 1 got nothing. It started huge bullshit fight about respect and nonsense. Fun night

I cannot imagine as an adult giving a single fuck about getting a Christmas gift.

[YGIFS 19,458]

8 minutes ago, Frank Drebin said:

I cannot imagine as an adult giving a single fuck about getting a Christmas gift.

This.  The kids got me some much needed stuff like socks, a new belt, and a pack of toothbrushes that are a specific type I like.  And the wrapping and cards are super cute.

But exchanging gifts with other adult family members, even a spouse is fucking weird to me.  It's a day for children and Jesus.  It's almost the same to me as walking into the middle of a child's birthday party while they're opening up presents, and declaring, "Sorry kids, we're white and had a really good year so watch me open up this new watch or ski goggles from my wife or parents!"  It doesn't fit.  If you want to quietly exchange something with family, ship it to them and have them open it up at their leisure.  Nobody wants to face-time your ass while adults open up shit from other adults.  Let's watch the kids get crazy with the new toys, that's the fun part.  Watching a middle-aged unmarried woman open up a pair of winter gloves and then talk about them for 9 minutes is not a feliz navidad.

[Al_4_ISU 12,623]

3 hours ago, Frank Drebin said:

I cannot imagine as an adult giving a single fuck about getting a Christmas gift.

I don't at all, but my wife's family and my mom's side of the family are very big on gift giving in general, so I'm just kinda stuck.  

Some years it ends up being pretty cool.  I got 2 pieces of the Hilton Coliseum floor this year.  That'll be a nice addition to the man cave.

[statsman 5,691]

Saw my Aunt Bev yesterday. Driving up, my 14 year old daughter says,”I hope I don’t have to hear a bunch of stories about how great her grand daughter is doing”. 
 
Me: “That’s too damned bad, because that’s what you’re getting”. (I was right)
 
We had sent them a video of my daughter singing “Oh, Holy Night” in church, a performance that everyone enjoyed. My aunt’s only comment, as it was discussed in front of my wife and daughter, “Why are her shoulders so broad?”

My aunt is my most prosperous relative, by a mile. I remember only two wedding gifts from our wedding over 30 years ago. My cousin, probably the least prosperous (at the time) relative, took the invitation and dressed it up with ribbons and shit and made a beautiful framed picture. Must have taken hours; she is an awesome person. 
 
And my rich aunt (and she is always ready to let us know she has money) gave us soap dishes, the cheapest items on the registry. 
 
Those are the only gifts I remember, and for different reasons. 

Edited December 27, 2023 by statsman

[statsman 5,691]

Oh, and to clarify, I’m not upset about getting the soap dishes. Hell, we registered for them (because we knew we needed some cheaper items on the registry). I remember us opening the gift, seeing what it was and who it came from, and falling over laughing. And we still laugh. 

[Zepol87 9,340]

4 hours ago, Frank Drebin said:

I cannot imagine as an adult giving a single fuck about getting a Christmas gift.

Yea it’s really stupid but I got forced into it. I actually got a decent hoodie and a chefs knife out of it so I was happy but god damn some people are crybabies 

[leaf 718]

On 12/25/2023 at 12:39 AM, leaf said:

Was supposed to go to Rockport for Christmas Eve and Day at mom’s house. My brother, SIL and niece will also be there. Sister will not be there. Sister and mom cannot be in the same room for more than 5 minutes before they start making smart ass comments to each other.

I came down with the flu Thursday because some of the stupid fucks that I work with won’t stay home when they are sick.

I called mom to let her know that we(wife and 2 sons) probably won’t make it for Christmas. Mom gets sicks easy since her mastectomy and I don’t want to pass the flu to her. She tells me that she agrees that we shouldn’t go if I have the flu.

Call mom on Saturday morning to confirm that we will be staying home for Christmas.  Her response to me, “Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do with 10 dozen chicken wings that i ordered from Walmart?” 

Me: When did you place the order? Just call and cancel.

Mom: Can’t. No refund.

Won’t tell me when she placed the order. By the way mom, I’m still feeling like shit from the flu. Thanks for asking.(she didn’t)

Call her this afternoon to make sure brother and his family made it there ok from Houston. Straight to voicemail. Send a text, no reply. This is a woman that has her phone glued to one hand and an Apple Watch surgically installed to her wrist. After waiting a few hours I call my brother to check on them. Bro answers and says they have been there for a few hours and mom is pissed off about the chicken.
Mom(in the back ground): You’re god damn right I am

My reply, for fuck’s sake. While I’m talking to bro, she replies to my earlier text message.  Sorry, I’ve been too busy to reply to your text. She then sends me pic of the 10 dozen chicken wing displayed on her island. I ask bro what have they been doing since he got there? He say, just sitting on the sofa chatting. 
So I send mom $150 by Cash App to pay for the fucking Walmart chicken wings that I’m glad I didn’t have to eat.

Haven’t heard anything from mom.

 

 

Conversation with mom today.

 

[Frank Drebin 5,834]

Respond with:

“you’re”

[leaf 718]

Yeah, that crossed my mind

[cactusflinthead 27,627]

10 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Wisconsin ups the ante

Lewis Black has thoughts on this 

 

[BearSchlong 8,238]

Conversation with mom today.
 

That is epic!

[Brisketexan 106,874]

Conversation with mom today.
 

That is a real smartass-asshole move by your mom.

I like her style.