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Official 2023 bitch about your family @ the Holidays thread

GhostOfTomJoad

By GhostOfTomJoad
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My MIL is a hefty gal. Probably 5’7” 400ish. Vic wouldn’t even hit it. As you can imagine, her life revolves around food. We are all planning out who is bringing what to Thanksgiving. She is hell bent

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Because people asked.... ------------------------------------ After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week. My

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My wife spent hours planning a trip to Disney for our 8 year olds.  She was on message boards and FB groups to try to figure out what to do and find the best deals.  Once we decided what we were

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dcbc

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On 12/23/2023 at 6:18 AM, GhostOfTomJoad said:

Oooh, she just dropped a BIG HINT. Remember to act really surprised when you unwrap that book on Christmas morning.

I received and recycled (not regifted) some Fox News Steve Douchey cookbook last year.     

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8882

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7 hours ago, pearlandhorn said:

Here we go.

Wife and son came up to Tyler on Friday. I had the work late Friday and came up yesterday. Drug addled SIL was up here on Wednesday at my in laws. We get a call Tuesday morning that she has invited a guy (51) to Christmas that no one in the family has met. SIL and him met on a cruise 3 weeks ago. My wife finds out yesterday that she is moving in with him after they get back from another cruise next week. Oh, he lives in NC. This’ll get interesting. I haven’t been over there yet. This SIL hasn’t spoken to my wife since my wife found her blitzed out of her mind at the end of the summer. Won’t return calls, texts, nothing. Yet, acts like nothing is wrong at all at my in laws. She’s heavily on the booze and drank so much Friday night that she got sick. She’s communicating with the ex husband, other BF (with the girlfriend), and this new guy from NC. If I didn’t mention it before, she’s still sleeping with her ex, involved with a yard maintenance guy and his girlfriend (threesome style), and this new guy. The new guy is completely oblivious and naive about everything. About 3 weeks ago, she stopped communicating with everyone and my FIL drove to Huntsville to ex husbands apartment and found both of them naked, dressed up in Magic the Gathering makeup, playing a fucking game. They were both fucked up beyond belief. I wouldn’t mind ex husband showing up tomorrow just for the lulz. 
 

Other SIL flies in and gets here at midnight tonight. Because who would want to be sleeping at midnight on Christmas Eve? My FIL is picking her up from the airport. Her 65 year old sugar daddy (former Microsoft programmer or something) is driving from ATL to Dallas then to Tyler to pick her up this next Thursday. At least I don’t have to see that douche. I don’t blame him one bit for shoving her on a plane. Driving 12 plus hours with that would make me want to jump out of the car at 75 mph. Can’t wait to get parenting advice from someone who doesn’t have kids!

Oh, my parents toilet and shower has overflowed. Drain is clogged and we have to call an emergency plumber. 
image.gif.0ee510dad5004ac9f610b9b6b3aa5c8b.gif

I’ll update with more drama as it occurs. Christmas is making up for a lackluster thanksgiving already.

...and pearlandhorn takes the early lead by a wiiiide margin.

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Sbbruin

Sbbruin 22081

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4 hours ago, pearlandhorn said:

I was wrong. From this point forward, I’ll call whiny, know it all SIL the moocher SIL and the druggie SIL Druggie SIL.

Moocher SIL just tried to give my border collie CBD because she “needs to chill”. Hey bitch, she’s a border collie. She has no chill.

Moocher SIL and old sugar daddy are in fact here for some reason. Druggist SIL is already half a bottle of Evan Williams deep. 

Looking forward to hearing about what treasures you receive at the gift exchange.

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nnm

nnm 37734

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1 hour ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:
2 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:
...and pearlandhorn takes the early lead by a wiiiide margin.

We're all playing for second place behind him. It is known.

Didn’t they jettison the BIL that showers in the yard with a garden hose this year?

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Al_4_ISU

Al_4_ISU 12612

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8 year old nephew dropped a good one today. While we’re eating dinner he unpromptedly belts out:

“Eenie meenie miney mo catch a tiger by the… BOOBS”

I just crack up instantly, and he’s quickly admonished by the other adults. He follows up
“How come Uncle Al always laughs at the stuff you yell at me for!?”

A conversation about appropriate humor followed, and my wife tells nephew and my niece (4.5) a clean joke. After the joke gets no response, my niece goes “see! Nobody laughed!”.

I fucking lost it at that.

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11859

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4 hours ago, Sandman said:

The extended family went to a basketball game last night. My BIL got into a bit of a tiff with my future SIL. My SIL is very fired up about his sports teams, so he was yelling and cheering and let slip a couple of f-bombs and "Jesus Christ!". I wasn't really paying attention to him and it was loud as fuck, so I missed the whole "confrontation". My BIL asked him to tone down the language, as we had an 8 year old there, plus my very churchy MIL. SIL declined to tone it down and instead left. He later texted my wife to say he left to avoid causing a scene, but he felt my BIL should have spoken to him more discreetly. As I said, I missed all of this, I was watching the game and looking at my phone

Totally lost even though I have read this 4 times.  
 

BIL= brother in law?

SIL= sister in law?

 

or is this one of the new gender/pronoun mystery/riddle/puzzles ?

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 41314

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Just got home from my God father's house. I love that side of my family, but hate some of the things they do. 

The positive: it wouldn't be the holidays without us watching the NFL and most of them shouting at the tv. I saw one of my brothers whom I haven't seen since last Christmas and a few of my younger nieces and nephews. 

The negative: God father had too much to drink and when one of my sisters brought up some bullshit he had a serious talk with all of us about how important family is and that we all need to stay together because he's not going to be around forever. He told us how he hates that we have family members that refuse to come over and its heart breaking. He asked which of the men were going to step up. He told me and 2 of my brothers that none of us were ready to lead and then my sister jumps in with maybe it should be a woman and shit hit the fan all because of a misunderstanding. He then goes outside and argues with her about how he's gonna be himself and not bend or compromise for nobody anymore; that he loves all of us, but isn't going put up with no one's shit and that he's always gonna get the last word in. Thank God it wasn't in front of the kids. When he comes back inside my older brother is laughing and telling a story about his recent trip to Vegas and God father thought he was shit talking him and shit hit the fan all over again where he yells, "I expect more out of you!" out of nowhere. One of my other brothers tries to deescalate the situation and it gets worse. He ends the conversation with "you don't need to get the last word in all the time because you're trying to intimidate everyone over nothing. So in that case, Merry Christmas and goodnight." Then God father's girlfriend and son suggest its best if we all leave and he goes to bed. She's embarrassed and I'm still confused about what started this conversation and shit show in the first place. In unison we all got up walked out the front door.

Thank God I didn't bring my girlfriend over. I don't ever want her to see my family that way. 

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NeverMarryAStripper

NeverMarryAStripper 22238

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Had our annual Christmas Eve dinner at mom’s tonight.  My MAGA QAnon sister was bitching about how nobody wants to work anymore.  She was complaining that she couldn’t find anyone to remove and replace her fence in Bellville.  She said she finally found some Mexicans to do it and they did 1,700 feet of fence in three days and it was  a shame that only Mexicans wanted to work these days.  I had to bite my tongue not to say yeah damn those filthy immigrants poisoning our blood and by the way did you check their papers

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leaf

leaf 718

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Was supposed to go to Rockport for Christmas Eve and Day at mom’s house. My brother, SIL and niece will also be there. Sister will not be there. Sister and mom cannot be in the same room for more than 5 minutes before they start making smart ass comments to each other.

I came down with the flu Thursday because some of the stupid fucks that I work with won’t stay home when they are sick.

I called mom to let her know that we(wife and 2 sons) probably won’t make it for Christmas. Mom gets sicks easy since her mastectomy and I don’t want to pass the flu to her. She tells me that she agrees that we shouldn’t go if I have the flu.

Call mom on Saturday morning to confirm that we will be staying home for Christmas.  Her response to me, “Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do with 10 dozen chicken wings that i ordered from Walmart?” 

Me: When did you place the order? Just call and cancel.

Mom: Can’t. No refund.

Won’t tell me when she placed the order. By the way mom, I’m still feeling like shit from the flu. Thanks for asking.(she didn’t)

Call her this afternoon to make sure brother and his family made it there ok from Houston. Straight to voicemail. Send a text, no reply. This is a woman that has her phone glued to one hand and an Apple Watch surgically installed to her wrist. After waiting a few hours I call my brother to check on them. Bro answers and says they have been there for a few hours and mom is pissed off about the chicken.
Mom(in the back ground): You’re god damn right I am

My reply, for fuck’s sake. While I’m talking to bro, she replies to my earlier text message.  Sorry, I’ve been too busy to reply to your text. She then sends me pic of the 10 dozen chicken wing displayed on her island. I ask bro what have they been doing since he got there? He say, just sitting on the sofa chatting. 
So I send mom $150 by Cash App to pay for the fucking Walmart chicken wings that I’m glad I didn’t have to eat.

Haven’t heard anything from mom.

 

 

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Longboard Horn

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Good morning and Merry Christmas surly assholes!! I'm currently at work by myself. No biggie, I get holiday pay and a vacation day in return and get paid for literally doing nothing today. Hopefully today will go better than the shit show that unfolded last night, but I doubt it. Cheers to you and yours!

icegif-711.gif

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Post Oak

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My wife spent hours planning a trip to Disney for our 8 year olds.  She was on message boards and FB groups to try to figure out what to do and find the best deals. 

Once we decided what we were going to do. She spent a lot of time planning the reveal. How she was going to tell them.  

She did this all with little to no help from me.

Ultimately she planned a scavenger hunt on Christmas morning.  We were up late last night setting up the clues.

We recorded the whole thing.  She was so excited.  Once they got the clues together they had to put them in order to reveal the surprise.

"The Post Oaks Meet The Mouse March 2024".

Once it dawns on them what is happening my daughter said into the camera she would rather have gotten a puppy.

 

 

 

 

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T’Boo Ted Marshall

T’Boo Ted Marshall 2778

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My wife spent hours planning a trip to Disney for our 8 year olds.  She was on message boards and FB groups to try to figure out what to do and find the best deals. 
Once we decided what we were going to do. She spent a lot of time planning the reveal. How she was going to tell them.  
She did this all with little to no help from me.
Ultimately she planned a scavenger hunt on Christmas morning.  We were up late last night setting up the clues.
We recorded the whole thing.  She was so excited.  Once they got the clues together they had to put them in order to reveal the surprise.
"The Post Oaks Meet The Mouse March 2024".
Once it dawns on them what is happening my daughter said into the camera she would rather have gotten a puppy.
 
 
 
 

Brutal honesty from kids. Ouch.
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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 53325

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7 hours ago, leaf said:

Was supposed to go to Rockport for Christmas Eve and Day at mom’s house. My brother, SIL and niece will also be there. Sister will not be there. Sister and mom cannot be in the same room for more than 5 minutes before they start making smart ass comments to each other.

I came down with the flu Thursday because some of the stupid fucks that I work with won’t stay home when they are sick.

I called mom to let her know that we(wife and 2 sons) probably won’t make it for Christmas. Mom gets sicks easy since her mastectomy and I don’t want to pass the flu to her. She tells me that she agrees that we shouldn’t go if I have the flu.

Call mom on Saturday morning to confirm that we will be staying home for Christmas.  Her response to me, “Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do with 10 dozen chicken wings that i ordered from Walmart?” 

Me: When did you place the order? Just call and cancel.

Mom: Can’t. No refund.

Won’t tell me when she placed the order. By the way mom, I’m still feeling like shit from the flu. Thanks for asking.(she didn’t)

Call her this afternoon to make sure brother and his family made it there ok from Houston. Straight to voicemail. Send a text, no reply. This is a woman that has her phone glued to one hand and an Apple Watch surgically installed to her wrist. After waiting a few hours I call my brother to check on them. Bro answers and says they have been there for a few hours and mom is pissed off about the chicken.
Mom(in the back ground): You’re god damn right I am

My reply, for fuck’s sake. While I’m talking to bro, she replies to my earlier text message.  Sorry, I’ve been too busy to reply to your text. She then sends me pic of the 10 dozen chicken wing displayed on her island. I ask bro what have they been doing since he got there? He say, just sitting on the sofa chatting. 
So I send mom $150 by Cash App to pay for the fucking Walmart chicken wings that I’m glad I didn’t have to eat.

Haven’t heard anything from mom.

 

 

120 chicken wings in rockport?  They could catch so many crab!

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Al_4_ISU

Al_4_ISU 12612

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21 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:


Man…I love cheap American beer. Seriously, gimme a Hamms, or a Yuengling, or a Pearl…and I’m a happy man. I like fancy stuff too, but lord, I also love the simple pleasures.

My favorite part about visiting Texas is Lone Star and Pearl.

If you’re ever in a northern plains state, Grain Belt is exceptional.  I think it’s only available in Minnesota, the Dakotas, and northern parts of Iowa and Nebraska 

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GhostOfTomJoad

GhostOfTomJoad 9483

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Man, I can still hear the Hamm's jingle in my head from over 40 years ago. Hamms, Pfeiffer's (now THAT was cheap beer) and Grain Belt were staples amongst my MN and WI relatives.

 

Just had the xmas phone call w/ my old man. He asked if Mrs GOTJ and I were starting a new "tradition" since the card we sent them didn't have a GC in it that was the same denomination as the one they sent us. I told him that yep, the only family getting gifts/cash from us were kids 18 and under. I guess he finally accepted we weren't bluffing anymore and took it with relative ease. But that may be due in large part to him being surprised to receive cards this year from both my oldest sister AND her oldest daughter for the first time in over a decade. There was a massive falling out when her oldest daughter graduated from college in Greeley, CO and my dad's she-devil evil bitch of a wife caused a ridiculous scene because she misread the ceremony instructions which caused them to arrive 3 hours early from their home in Fort Collins--an oh-so-taxing 40 minute drive away-- and of course that non-issue became a big fat hairy deal, culminating in the bitch publicly humiliating the graduate at a restaurant. My sister and her husband had enough and let out a good 10-15 years worth of anger later that night and effectively severed ties, telling my dad that they weren't going to subject themselves or their daughters to the toxicity of my dad's world. The graduating niece and her younger sister (who graduated from the same school the next year; my dad & his wife weren't invited) have happily gone about their lives since with minimal contact with their grandfather and the evil bitch.

Anyway, sis has made good strides over the years with her journey and time in therapy. Our old man's pushing 80 so she's making small but meaningful acts of reconciliation by sending the occasional email and now an xmas card. Dad was stunned by this move (because he has been trained that a grudge is a grudge forever). He critiqued the card as being "not very festive" which had me biting my lip. But he was really surprised by the card he got from a name he didn't recognize with an address in New Mexico to discover it was a photo card featuring the granddaughter he hadn't seen since making an ass of himself and the entire table at her graduation, her husband and the 5 year old great granddaughter he never knew he had. Not that a great grandchild would matter much. He doesn't acknowledge the two great grandsons the younger granddaughter has with her husband.

So it was an awkward call with me as he was recounting his surprise and wondering if I'd known about these "developments." Umm, yeah...dad. People who aren't more concerned with perpetuating grievances and perceived slights for over a decade enjoy the beauty and wonder of being actively involved with family members. It's called reciprocal love. No strings attached. What a concept! After the call I imagined him sitting there in his big, beautiful place in Fort Collins. Amassed with all of the shit he and his wife have bought over the years. And how empty and hollow that place must feel and sound. He's got grandkids and great grandkids within a day's drive in NM and SD that he'll never see if he doesn't have his Ebeneezer Scrooge visited by Marley's ghost moment. What a waste.

 

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Helobious

Helobious 9754

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Not sure if this belongs here but last night was the 2nd straight year where I didn’t win a single fucking round at Lotería at the family christmas. And grandma who can barely hear anymore is just raking in everyone’s cash. I have no way to prove it but I know there’s fuckery involved. 

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YGIFS

YGIFS 19456

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This was the beer commercial that made it so that you'll never see anyone in a beer commercially actually drinking the beer.  From the Land of Sky Blue Water:

Maybe nobody brought up politics last night at extended family Christmas Eve because I didn't tolerate stupidity before, and certainly not now sober.  

Only two shocking/annoying moments:

1.  Cousin-in-law.   Helluva good guy.  But still complaining in one sentence that he's about to close out a record year in sales, but economy is done for, but that they want to open up a retail outlet anyways.  This would be for high-end paper.  You know that thing you drive across town for each week to buy and use?  Oh wait, nobody does that.  I was trying to keep up with the circle of logic in all of it, but just quit caring and wandered off to play with a rabid dog.  I then watched, in real time, him lose significant amounts of cash on two consecutive NFL games.  An economic conspiracy no doubt concocted by the Jews & a Mister Ronan Sinatra.  

2.  Some neighbors of theirs came over.  I introduced myself and my children and said, "Happy Holidays."  My blood cousin, whose blood was mostly alcohol at the time of course yells, "We say Merry Christmas."  I said my bad, don't know them so was just being festive but generic.  This is the same cousin who didn't know Jesus was Jewish and celebrated Hanukkah until i told her three years ago.  Holidays are Holy-days, if you will.  I'm not a Wal-Mart greeter (not yet anyway).  I don't give a fuck either way, I don't want to talk to your annoying neighbors anyway, I just happened to be the guy answering the door.  While you scream from across the room with the 4 inches of ash from your Marlboro 100 falling into your cereal bowl of pinot grigio and you drink it anyway (not judging, been there myself).  

But two quick moments of annoyance on an otherwise festive night.  We are all blessed and I feel fortunate.  Even my mom on facetime with the girls this morning was cute and non-confrontational.  

Only annoyance on wife's side was her sister who would not shut the fuck up about how cold it was in Fort Worth for Thanksgiving that she insisted we all stay inside to hang out instead of going on hikes/walks/outdoor mall/seeing holiday lights/etc.  It was 60 degrees.  Back home in nowhere Kansas, This morning she sends photos of several inches of snow last night and a thermometer still shot of 20-something degrees outside as they walked around their neighborhood to carol and see friends.  I forget some people just have to complain to be noticed.  

My great uncle, WWII-era submariner, sent me a Christmas photo of him on the beach in Florida with his girlfriend who is 25 years younger than him.  Like a fucking boss...

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Brothahorn

Brothahorn 10096

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Not sure if this belongs here but last night was the 2nd straight year where I didn’t win a single fucking round at Lotería at the family christmas. And grandma who can barely hear anymore is just raking in everyone’s cash. I have no way to prove it but I know there’s fuckery involved. 
Like the monopoly commercial.
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