Dealing with local government and damage to grave site of family

[mumra 2]

Will try to keep this short, mostly interested in opinions as I would think there are probably others who have dealt with local governments on the board. 

Background:

-Family members paid for a granite bench to be installed at a grave site to match the headstone. This was installed in 2001 and there were no issues until 2022. The cost of the bench, as best our family remembers, was $3-5k in 2001.

Issue:

-Damage was noticed in fall 2022 that scraped away material on one side of the bench. This was most likely caused by a collision with lawn maintenance equipment. The grave site is in the middle of a section of headstones so it is unlikely this was caused by a visiting vehicle and there was no damage to surrounding grave sites.

-Family members have spoken to the township board on several occasions without resolution. The township officials point to an undated document stating they are not responsible for lost or damaged items. When asked when this document was created or if anyone from the family had signed anything acknowledging rules there has been no response. 

- Outside of a formal meeting, my family has been told by township officials that they can't help repair or replace the bench as they are worried about the precedence that would set for other community members who would want reimbursement for damaged property. They also suggested we look to see if a homeowner's policy could be applied.

Other factors:

-Two companies gave opinions on a repair process. One suggested it would be as cost-efficient to replace the bench as they would have to have the bench shipped to a separate facility for sanding and polishing. A different company said they might be able to repair in a local facility which would be cheaper than replacement. The second company also noted that the bench seat appears to be shifted and should be repositioned to be sure it is stable.

-This is a small local government for a township of around 5,000 people. This isn't in Texas, if that matters.

-The issue does not appear to be limited to only my family. A representative from a non-profit that cares for military veteran's grave sites had made similar complaints to the township and had no resolution. 

 

Any opinions on what you would do in this situation?

 

[PilotsError 2294]

I would use the time at the grave to remember my loved ones and let the damage the bench go.  

[That Guy 959]

That sounds like something the person who fucked up the bench would say. 

[Kennythetiger 9389]

I’d get rid of the bench. It’s probably a royal pain in the ass to mow around, and the lawn dudes probably don’t give a damn about it. I think your township people had some decent points. 

[PRONG HORN 3146]

4 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

I’d get rid of the bench. It’s probably a royal pain in the ass to mow around, and the lawn dudes probably don’t give a damn about it. I think your township people had some decent points. 

 

 

So you're the "if it's hard that means doing a shitty job is ok" type of leader.  Perhaps you should manage a cemetery so that you can tell loved ones that shit doesn't matter cuz it's to hard to do right.  

 

 

[Kennythetiger 9389]

4 hours ago, PRONG HORN said:

 

 

So you're the "if it's hard that means doing a shitty job is ok" type of leader.  Perhaps you should manage a cemetery so that you can tell loved ones that shit doesn't matter cuz it's to hard to do right.  

 

 

No, I’m not, and I’m sorry if it came across that way. And I am on the board that manages our local cemetery. 
My suggestion was given because I was trying to weigh practicality with romanticism.  That’s all. 
 

[CHIEF 5093]

You might see if the local monument engraver is also able to polish it. 
my father is buried in a small rural cemetery. My g-g grand father’s tombstone is broken off and is laying on top of his gravesite. My mother and I are going to purchase a new one. His fathers head stone, right behind my father’s grave is leaning a moderate amount. We are going to re-level it. 
none of these graves are important to his family, but their upkeep is really important to my mother, so that makes it important to me. 
CHIEF

[Kennythetiger 9389]

On 11/10/2023 at 10:25 AM, CHIEF said:

You might see if the local monument engraver is also able to polish it. 
my father is buried in a small rural cemetery. My g-g grand father’s tombstone is broken off and is laying on top of his gravesite. My mother and I are going to purchase a new one. His fathers head stone, right behind my father’s grave is leaning a moderate amount. We are going to re-level it. 
none of these graves are important to his family, but their upkeep is really important to my mother, so that makes it important to me. 
CHIEF

My great-great grandfather was the first one of our family to come to America. His tombstone is here, and I visit it from time to time. It’s printed in German. 

[Texzilla58 4738]

There are lots of issues for these old country cemeteries. Upkeep becomes a real issue as families move away and revenue declines.

Do you pay any recurring maintenance/ care fees or do you pay nothing? Do you have any documentation from the original internment? I might find the actual guy they use to engrave and set stones; he might be a contractor who might could do a cheaper fix for you on a side gig basis.

My wife worked for a huge cemetery when we lived in Memphis and 90% of it was flat markers limited flowers easy maintenance. Very tough rules and no quarter given for breaking them. They also owned an old traditional cemetery which was their first family lot and they kept it for sentimental reasons. It was a huge money loser due to the Maintenance but it was in an old part of town and was kept like a park.

[CHIEF 5093]

Our plots were $250 each, my mom bought 10 of them laid out in a single row. They have occasional volunteer days. But they have guys that mow it bi-weekly from now on. No fee.

CHIEF

[atomheartbevo 89727]

Contact the local genealogy society - they might have an idea if others are having similar issues, as well as knowing who to complain to.  And they are a bunch of olds, so they'll have some clout and this is something that would piss them off.

[Bevo 13579]

On 11/9/2023 at 11:31 PM, PRONG HORN said:

 

 

So you're the "if it's hard that means doing a shitty job is ok" type of leader.  Perhaps you should manage a cemetery so that you can tell loved ones that shit doesn't matter cuz it's to hard to do right.  

 

 

Or how about shit doesn't matter. The dude's dead.

[CooterBrown 18014]

8 minutes ago, Bevo said:

Or how about shit doesn't matter. The dude's dead.

Visiting graves sites isn't something I'd do but people grieve in different ways so I let it slide for a bit...but 20+ years after someone is dead is a bit much.  

 

 

[Texzilla58 4738]

The bench is 22 years old. It’s a no win situation for everyone. What incentive is there to fix it for them? No one is moving their dead to another cemetery. (My mother when she moved from NW Arkansas back to Ft Worth picked up my dad’s urn and brought him to the national cemetery in Dallas. “Got your dad riding shotgun with me!”).

Can you accept the damage as “patina” and move on? I don’t think the cemetery will fix it to your satisfaction.

[mumra 2]

Thanks all for the replies so far, they have been interesting to read. Random responses below for a couple of posts. Also, will provide the context that older family members are the primary contacts with the township. I recently visited as I live out of state and was asked to help prepare some information such as emailing photos or crafting some speaking points for the township meeting. 

Kennythetiger- I understand where you are coming from and my advice to family members is that there was a high probability that this would not be resolved to their satisfaction. My experience includes creating budgets for small businesses/projects and I'm guessing they haven't allowed much for grave site repairs in the budget or want to spend the insurance deductible/increased premiums with a claim. However, a few family members don't want to let this go and were upset when they spoke to a board member and asked the general question: How would you feel if your family site was damaged? and apparently the answer was along the lines of "well, that would be different". I wasn't in those discussions so just hearing everything second hand. This is/was a farming community where part of growing up was admitting mistakes and taking responsibility that often ended up with the offender helping out on a neighboring farm as a non-monetary form of payment. I realize the real world does not work in this manner.

CHIEF- There is one local monument engraver that has been contacted and they could polish it but would need to remove from the cemetery. I'll pass along the suggestion to maybe check some of the surrounding communities. 

Texzilla58- I'm not sure if there are any recurring maintenance/ care fees but will ask the next time I speak with my parents. I'm also unsure if the family has documents from my grandmother's internment in the late 90's and I was in high school at the time. My grandfather passed away in late 2022 and interred in the same site so someone, probably my uncle, should have that paperwork. The death dates for my grandfather were added to the headstone in spring/summer 2023.

atomheartbevo- I will pass along your suggestion. I'm not sure if the township has a genealogy society but I know the county does.

Bevo/CooterBrown- The grave site will probably be visited a bit more than usual as this is the first full holiday season without my grandfather. He passed in early December 2022 and was in hospice by Thanksgiving 2022. There is still quite a bit of family within a 10 minute drive of the cemetery with 2 of my grandmother's sisters, 4 children of my grandparents and many grand and great-grand children. I'll be sure to let them know that they should ignore my grandmother's side of the site and that the undefined clock is ticking on their ability to visit my grandfather's site.

 

 

 

[Bevo 13579]

46 minutes ago, mumra said:

Bevo/CooterBrown- The grave site will probably be visited a bit more than usual as this is the first full holiday season without my grandfather. He passed in early December 2022 and was in hospice by Thanksgiving 2022. There is still quite a bit of family within a 10 minute drive of the cemetery with 2 of my grandmother's sisters, 4 children of my grandparents and many grand and great-grand children. I'll be sure to let them know that they should ignore my grandmother's side of the site and that the undefined clock is ticking on their ability to visit my grandfather's site.

Sorry, I was responding to Pronghorn's post. It wasn't related to your situation.

[mumra 2]

1 hour ago, Bevo said:

Sorry, I was responding to Pronghorn's post. It wasn't related to your situation.

No worries. I don't post here much but had a few threads on the old board when life events made it easier to talk to strangers. I always appreciated the unique takes and sense of humor. This topic seemed offbeat enough that it may get some outside the box ideas. 

I'm not expecting a clean resolution for my family as their goal is repair/replacement. I think the most likely outcome will be a private conversation where a township representative acknowledges the damage but is unable to help with repairs. This is mostly based on one of the board members having known my family for 50+ years  and being fairly open in the past. I think the more pressing issue would be to ensure the bench is stable as one of the companies thought the bench was shifted based on before and after photos. My uncle, who is a mason, thought the bench was unstable as well. The bench was disassembled for my grandfather's internment in December 2022 to move in necessary equipment so this would not have been due to any collision. 

[PilotsError 2294]

I'd love to see a pic of this thing.

[elfenix 34308]

10 hours ago, PilotsError said:

I'd love to see a pic of this thing.