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Early Reviews Are In - What Recruits & Parents Are Saying About Melko's Approach

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62510

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We've been able to source more than a few anonymous interviews over the past few days to get a firsthand understanding of how things are going out of the gate in College Station now that Coach Melko has hit the ground there like an ELE-level meteorite. Let's see how it's going:

-Regarding the visit to DJ Lagway's: "He ate most of the coffee cake and just sat there eating and heavily breathing while whichever assistant that was with him spent the entire meeting talking shit about Florida."

-Seeing Ty Smith at home: "He brought with him a musical instrument case, it seemed. I thought maybe he was going to show us his saxophone skills or something. He never touched the case or mentioned it until after my mom served him coffee and they were about to leave. He opened the case and pulled out a plunger, then disappeared into the restroom for a bit. He's definitely got his own approach."

-On a Zoom with someone committed to a rival SEC school and their mother: "We're not sure he knew we could see him. He had to have thought that his camera was off, right?, and we didn't know what to say. How do you tell a grown man that he needs to go put a shirt on?"

-On a call with a current DB recruit's mother: "There was a lot of heavy breathing. I'm not implying anything sexual because I don't think that was the case. I just mean the man needs to see a doctor. It was a lot of deep breathing and wheezing and then he'd start in on how tough his teams were going to be and then more long pauses with deep breathing."

-After the in-home with Ashton Funk and his dyed in the wool aggie parents: "Things got uncomfortable. Coach Elk got really aggressive when it came to Jimbo Fisher. He called him a bitchmade pussy and questioned the mom on why she had an autographed of the two of them together. She remarked that they had a good relationship with Coach Fisher. Coach Elk then belched loudly and declared to no one in particular that 'motherfucker tore the goddamned thing down to the studs and now I have to start with Katy redasses for the build-up. Christ!' The parents have since burned the Jimbo photo and they're excited to send the Funkmeister to Aggieland."

-While sitting down at Terry Bussey's house with Colin Klein (we think) joining: "Coach Elko walked in with a plastic handle of Clan McGregor and demanded that he and the dad break bread together. The dad enjoys a good pull off of a handle every now and then, so they made fast friends. There was a younger assistant there trying to talk about the importance of run blocking for WRs in his 'scheme' and things took an awkward turn when Terry politely asked 'Who is this guy?' That didn't go over well with the assistant, who sighed, slunk down in the couch, and simply said 'You're going to remember The Darth Kleiner, I promise you that."

If any of you have heard any other nuggets from families or friends that you know who have a kid involved with an aggie recruitment, feel free to add to what we work with here.

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Plorant

Plorant 799

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I've heard one:
 

-On a call with potential transfer Princely Umanmielen; Elko said, "Hey remember that time we had you at The Pool Party and I set you up for that spike?"  Princely laughed and replied, "Hell yeah! I spiked that ball right into Ritz Bitz face!"  This was then followed by more laughter and then an awkward silence.  

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RomaVicta

RomaVicta 29896

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Coach Elk wore his beautiful suit on a visit to a really good second string player for Old Dominion. Melk got animated talking about how he could have had JImbo's new wife. The Elk struggled to his feet and kept twisting and turning to face the different family members in the room. They fled left and right at each twist the Elk made as though he were waving a loaded gun.

Granny yells, "That button, motherfucker! Either unload it or switch on the safety!"

A long wet fart seemed to relieve some of the tension on the button.

The Elk!

 

Edited by RomaVicta
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pacman

pacman 7354

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Armed with a bag of big macs, Elko was determined to convince this star wide receiver that he was the best head coach for him.

He was a freshman all-american here, he thought to himself, as he took a much needed rest on his 5 yard journey to the front door.

As he was greeted at the door, Elko explained he needed a large water cup. His discipline, from his new age trainer Moffit, required him to eat all his weekly calories in one sitting on Sunday. So, he dipped each big mac in water and swallowed them whole while he laid out his plan to get this soon to be junior WR drafted. Tails of 15 touches a game, NLI payouts from Buccees were all met with excitement. Elko had him right where he wanted him. This former 5*, #1 WR in the nation, recruit was in the bag for your Fighting texas aggies. Whoop!

Secret sauce now staining his shirt. He reached out his greasy, wet paw, "Can we count on you next year, son?"

"Absolutely! Gig 'em or whatever!", the recruiter proclaimed in shock and excitement.

Elko couldn't believe this kid had fell for it. Every program in the country wanted him. "Momma would be proud of me," he thought to himself.

As the story broke of this great triumph on Monday, Elko scrolled through his Nokia phone to read all of the accolades.

Feeling suddenly baffled, he asked an empty coach's room "Who is Javon Harvey?"

 

Edited by pacman
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Coelenterate Fuccboi

Coelenterate Fuccboi 13087

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One recruit on an official visit posted a picture via instagram of a one-of-a-kind Tickle Me Elko doll, resting on the pillow his hotel bed. The doll was holding a Mason jar in one hand and a small bottle of lotion in the another. There was a sticky note attached which read “donations wanted”. Sitting next to the doll was the 2024 Aggie male cheerleader calendar.

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Darth Tron

Darth Tron 1122

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The Elk emerged from his Honda Civic like Ace Ventura from a rhino's vagina.  As he thundered to the curb the car leapt into the air, relieved of its burden.  Sweatily, he lumbered towards the door.  As the doorbell rang, time slowed.  Inside the home a family sat down to Sunday dinner. 

Suddenly a chill ran through the air as tremors from the porch resonated through the home.  "Goddamnit!" exclaimed the father.  "Not this fucker again.  I'll handle it, honey." 

 

As he approached the door he could hear the familiar wheezing, not unlike a beached whale.  It enraged him.  Gathering his anger he opened the door.

"You motherfucker!  I told you the past 17 times.  I AM NOT GOING TO SHARE MY HAM SUPPLIER WITH YOU.  Now go to hell, asshole!"

"Please Geoff, I need it.  The grocer only carries so much ham."

"GET THE FUCK OFF MY PORCH!" 

The door slammed shut.  Geoff went back to his ham dinner.

 

The Elk waddled back to his Honda in defeat.  In every way like a noble stag defeated by a superior specimen, except for the nobility and superiority.  Quite the opposite, in fact.

"Next time, Mike.  Next time I'll get that ham," he thought to himself.

 

The Civic groaned under the weight as it pulled into the night.

 

 

 

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statsman

statsman 5449

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They say Elko got his start, as an assistant under Glanton, at a 2A school out past Van Horn. Glanton’s bus stopped when it saw him, alone, in the middle of nowhere. “What in the hell are you doing?”, Glanton asked. 
 
“Waiting to join your party, and get some scalps,” Elko replied. 
 
They assumed he meant “scalps” allegorically, but they didn’t think that for long. 
 
His coaching career has had more than its fair share of horrific massacres and disasters, some he came out on top of, others he barely survived. None of that changed his disposition- always upbeat, always relishing the pain and fear of football, always liking that rare red meat. 
 
He went through trainers, that’s for certain, and after a while they learned to stop hiring young ones. 
 
One night, after a Duke win over Holy Cross, as his team showered and the others drank and took pills to push their anguish down some, he sat in the middle of the field. The lights were out, and the moon was shining. He made a trainer sit in his lap. “I could eat you up”, he told the boy, a big open grin showing his so sharp teeth. The lad was terrified, his heart racing like a rabbit’s. He was relieved when the orthopedic doctor called out from the sideline, looking for him. The boy squirmed out of the massive grip. As he scurried to safety, he could hear Elko say softly, almost sing, “Football is god”. 

Edited by statsman
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PNWhornsfan

PNWhornsfan 391

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"As he and the other coaches were leaving, we opened the front door and he had these weird guys in overalls standing on our front lawn that started spelling out A-G-G-I-E-S and twirling like little girls before chanting farmers fight, farmers fight.  I might be calling coach Kiffin today to tell him I want to come to Oxford."

"He drank all of my Dad's Lone Star's during dinner and the bald guy with the backwards hat had to carry him out to the car and drive him home."

A recruit called him first thing in the morning to tell him that they wanted to take an OV to College Station and he responded with "Is that you, Tolbert.  This isn't very funny, you know.  I'm hungover, my knees are killing me, and if you're gonna pull this shit, at least you could have said I was the head coach at the University of Texas." 

 

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texifornia

texifornia 56851

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40 minutes ago, statsman said:

They say Elko got his start, as an assistant under Glanton, at a 2A school out past Van Horn. Glanton’s bus stopped when it saw him, alone, in the middle of nowhere. “What in the hell are you doing?”, Glanton asked. 
 
“Waiting to join your party, and get some scalps,” Elko replied. 
 
They assumed he meant “scalps” allegorically, but they didn’t think that for long. 
 
His coaching career has had more than its fair share of horrific massacres and disasters, some he came out on top of, others he barely survived. None of that changed his disposition- always upbeat, always relishing the pain and fear of football, always liking that rare red meat. 
 
He went through trainers, that’s for certain, and after a while they learned to stop hiring young ones. 
 
One night, after a Duke win over Holy Cross, as his team showered and the others drank and took pills to push their anguish down some, he sat in the middle of the field. The lights were out, and the moon was shining. He made a trainer sit in his lap. “I could eat you up”, he told the boy, a big open grin showing his so sharp teeth. The lad was terrified, his heart racing like a rabbit’s. He was relieved when the orthopedic doctor called out from the sideline, looking for him. The boy squirmed out of the massive grip. As he scurried to safety, he could hear Elko say softly, almost sing, “Football is god”. 

As someone that is currently reading Blood Meridian, I cannot express the shock of recognizing it here.

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