Shart 2024: What's that spot on the bathroom floor?

[Blotto 24,002]

Concise, gets right to the point. A straight sharter with upper management written all over him.

[Longhornstampede 3,212]

Still holding out...

[Brisketexan 106,849]

Had. Long and frustrating day. Ended with frustrating travel (sitting on the tarmac for 45 mins waiting for a gate, and functionally no cell signal - txts to my wife got out, but none came in.
I keep she had a bad day too, and then her frustration with me and my lack of communication made her even more frustrated. We had a dinner reservation. When I finally got off the plane, she messaged that she just wants to stay home, she’s not even hungry, it was such a crappy day. Are you sure? Maybe I could pick you something up? Her: no, I don’t want dinner.
So, I cancel the reservation.
Get home, walk in the door, she says “we can still go to dinner if you want. I was just venting.”
I was able to grab a reservation just 15 mins after the original one, but goddammit.
Oh, and then dinner hit me like a brick and I damn near shat myself. Spicy ramen. Full urgle gurgles. Three different times on the drive home, I had to consciously just pinch back with everything I had. A few small gas bubbles slip out, but just gas. We pull up…and I have to walk slowly, clenched, to the house. Immediately hit the guest bathroom….and desecrated it. Sour, putrid, just like my day.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11,860]

2 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Had. Long and frustrating day. Ended with frustrating travel (sitting on the tarmac for 45 mins waiting for a gate, and functionally no cell signal - txts to my wife got out, but none came in.
I keep she had a bad day too, and then her frustration with me and my lack of communication made her even more frustrated. We had a dinner reservation. When I finally got off the plane, she messaged that she just wants to stay home, she’s not even hungry, it was such a crappy day. Are you sure? Maybe I could pick you something up? Her: no, I don’t want dinner.
So, I cancel the reservation.
Get home, walk in the door, she says “we can still go to dinner if you want. I was just venting.”
I was able to grab a reservation just 15 mins after the original one, but goddammit.
Oh, and then dinner hit me like a brick and I damn near shat myself. Spicy ramen. Full urgle gurgles. Three different times on the drive home, I had to consciously just pinch back with everything I had. A few small gas bubbles slip out, but just gas. We pull up…and I have to walk slowly, clenched, to the house. Immediately hit the guest bathroom….and desecrated it. Sour, putrid, just like my day.

Welcome to old age, mi amigo.  If my life were an Indian name, at this point it would be “hesitates to fart”.  Cuz lord knows what might happen.

['stache 22,129]

On 5/31/2024 at 8:40 PM, Brisketexan said:

Had. Long and frustrating day. Ended with frustrating travel (sitting on the tarmac for 45 mins waiting for a gate, and functionally no cell signal - txts to my wife got out, but none came in.
I keep she had a bad day too, and then her frustration with me and my lack of communication made her even more frustrated. We had a dinner reservation. When I finally got off the plane, she messaged that she just wants to stay home, she’s not even hungry, it was such a crappy day. Are you sure? Maybe I could pick you something up? Her: no, I don’t want dinner.
So, I cancel the reservation.
Get home, walk in the door, she says “we can still go to dinner if you want. I was just venting.”
I was able to grab a reservation just 15 mins after the original one, but goddammit.
Oh, and then dinner hit me like a brick and I damn near shat myself. Spicy ramen. Full urgle gurgles. Three different times on the drive home, I had to consciously just pinch back with everything I had. A few small gas bubbles slip out, but just gas. We pull up…and I have to walk slowly, clenched, to the house. Immediately hit the guest bathroom….and desecrated it. Sour, putrid, just like my day.

A shit so bad you forgot how to type. Slight brain damage maybe? PTSD? Been there.

Edited June 6 by 'stache

[Brisketexan 106,849]

Goddammit.  I have the bubble guts again, round 2 over the last week.  Wake up ripping ass, safely.  Then...a shift.  The speed with which one can go from "one in the magazine" to "one in the chamber" is incredible.  Like, faster-than-light travel is possible within my colon.  One second you're gassy but safe.  A millisecond later, you best pinch back, because there's a giant .50 cal round behind a hair trigger, ready to go off.

Four rounds thus far today.  Four.  FML.

[nnm 37,885]

[Armybrat 41,361]

[SurlyGator 959]

Maybe I've been on Surly too much this weekend.  As soon as I saw this thread bumped I assumed it would be a joke about DT making a contribution yesterday.  Time for a break.

[Sandman 3,427]

At the office yesterday and at about 3:30 or so, I'm feeling the urge. Not a liquid attack, just that I was gonna have to shit soon. I thought "I can make it till I get home". 4:15 comes around and those thoughts were dashed. I had to speed-waddle to the bathroom and unleash a leviathan. I realized at that moment that, if I had rolled the dice on waiting till I got home, I would've shit my pants in the car. Other than times of severe illness, this is the closest I've been to having that happen. 

[Gil Bang 26,227]

Bad news: my swim trunks

Good news: I was already out of the pool, and in my own backyard.

[nnm 37,885]

1 hour ago, Gil Bang said:

Bad news: my swim trunks

Good news: I was already out of the pool, and in my own backyard.

Obligatory

[lateshow 1,322]

Are we still waffle stomping? 

[Captain Obvious 531]

Which member of Surly was this?

https://www.cnn.com/2024/07/29/travel/united-airlines-biohazard-diversion/index.html

[Gil Bang 26,227]

22 hours ago, nnm said:

Obligatory

There's something to be said for being able to grab the nearest garden hose to blast your asshole.

[686 3,461]

my 11-year-old seems to have been listening to an interesting Taylor Swift album:

[Prepuce of Doom 21,285]

Shart-n-Smut

[TheStoicPaisano 9,953]

Ate something weird last night and went “straight fucking water” about four times before work. #8 on the way home was a miss, to say the least.

[Bozo_Casanova 26,819]

Welp. I almost made it. 

[Prepuce of Doom 21,285]

[Js1 87,148]

Never trust a fart 

[RPM 26,601]

 

[SurlyGator 959]

You have to appreciate the honesty.  Hope the cameraman obliged...

[Dnaguy 12,606]

4 hours ago, RPM said:

 

[nnm 37,885]

2 hours ago, Dnaguy said:

Shaggybevo is that way —->

[Steel Shank 9,552]

Sharted today, but it was in the shower. Clean up was a breeze and quite enjoyable (handheld shower head).

Does this count?

[RDCanecutter 26,863]

It wasn't really a shart last night at 3:30 am. More like I auto-piloted to the toilet, and regained consciousness to see that someone had hired a toothless Aggy to gum on several pounds of those Brach's sort-of-caramel chewy candies and spit them into the toilet bowl until, like an Icelandic volcano, they added new dry land to our world. Two flushes still left chunks.

Crawled back up stairs like an evolving tetrapod, and lay there for about two minutes trying to will that new pressure into being a mere fart. At the last moment made it back to bathroom and blew out a normal shit.

Today at work I fortified myself with fiber and strong coffee. Felt some pressure but figured I could handle 15 minutes on Interstate.

BWAHAHAHAHA

Wasn't even time to pull off to a gas station. The Shart hit hard and it hit fast, like my dog pouncing on and shaking a stuffed toy. I had two jobs: Shit, and Stay in my lane. I did both. The remaining miles, and incredible number of contractions, gave me time to plan my reentry into human society. I wheeled into the drive, and Lovely Wife and Adoring Puppy came out the side door to greet me. I was "Everybody Back Inside, Unlock the Back Door, and Lay Low." She knew what was up.

Peeled off shoes and new socks before the ooze could creep down to them, rolled up legs of jeans really tight, wrapped up in barely damp seat-towel (I ain't no rookie) and staggered in through the back deck. Achievement Unlocked of toe-stepping drip-free into the spare shower. Lovely Wife tossed empty bucket into the shower behind me, whence I shed unbeshittened garments to safety whilst peeling off jeans and boxers into the rapidly filling bucket, having first slid my arms up to the shoulder inside the chunky jeans to turn them inside-out.

While I was doing all that, I was still shitting. Just kept directing the shower head at whatever fresh hell shot out my ass.

That was about an hour ago. I am clean and dry now, but still sitting on the toilet, waiting.

[Prepuce of Doom 21,285]

35 minutes ago, Steel Shank said:

Sharted today, but it was in the shower. Clean up was a breeze and quite enjoyable (handheld shower head).

Does this count?

Yes. 

30 minutes ago, RDCanecutter said:

It wasn't really a shart last night at 3:30 am. More like I auto-piloted to the toilet, and regained consciousness to see that someone had hired a toothless Aggy to gum on several pounds of those Brach's sort-of-caramel chewy candies and spit them into the toilet bowl until, like an Icelandic volcano, they added new dry land to our world. Two flushes still left chunks.

Crawled back up stairs like an evolving tetrapod, and lay there for about two minutes trying to will that new pressure into being a mere fart. At the last moment made it back to bathroom and blew out a normal shit.

Today at work I fortified myself with fiber and strong coffee. Felt some pressure but figured I could handle 15 minutes on Interstate.

BWAHAHAHAHA

Wasn't even time to pull off to a gas station. The Shart hit hard and it hit fast, like my dog pouncing on and shaking a stuffed toy. I had two jobs: Shit, and Stay in my lane. I did both. The remaining miles, and incredible number of contractions, gave me time to plan my reentry into human society. I wheeled into the drive, and Lovely Wife and Adoring Puppy came out the side door to greet me. I was "Everybody Back Inside, Unlock the Back Door, and Lay Low." She knew what was up.

Peeled off shoes and new socks before the ooze could creep down to them, rolled up legs of jeans really tight, wrapped up in barely damp seat-towel (I ain't no rookie) and staggered in through the back deck. Achievement Unlocked of toe-stepping drip-free into the spare shower. Lovely Wife tossed empty bucket into the shower behind me, whence I shed unbeshittened garments to safety whilst peeling off jeans and boxers into the rapidly filling bucket, having first slid my arms up to the shoulder inside the chunky jeans to turn them inside-out.

While I was doing all that, I was still shitting. Just kept directing the shower head at whatever fresh hell shot out my ass.

That was about an hour ago. I am clean and dry now, but still sitting on the toilet, waiting.

Nice work! 

[TwiceHorn 32,045]

So this weekend, I was farting like a banshee, can't directly trace to any particular food or other substance (generally been eating a lot of salad, also putting jalapenos and Tabasco on other things, but that's SOP).  I did have a few slices of frozen pizza, which is not normally on the menu these days, so maybe an excess of grease.  Anyway, I had farted so much that I became cavalier about them.

So I was sitting on a stool at the kitchen bar and passed another one, and there was that kind of liquid sensation that accompanies the dreaded shart.  But, it was only as the fart exited my compressed butt cheeks.  My impression was that the shart had occurred earlier, somehow unnoticed, but the subsequent fart alerted me to the earlier expulsion of liquid.

No damage to clothing or even underpants, but had some damage control to do, nonetheless.

[RDCanecutter 26,863]

11 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

So this weekend, I was farting like a banshee, can't directly trace to any particular food or other substance (generally been eating a lot of salad, also putting jalapenos and Tabasco on other things, but that's SOP).  I did have a few slices of frozen pizza, which is not normally on the menu these days, so maybe an excess of grease.  Anyway, I had farted so much that I became cavalier about them.

So I was sitting on a stool at the kitchen bar and passed another one, and there was that kind of liquid sensation that accompanies the dreaded shart.  But, it was only as the fart exited my compressed butt cheeks.  My impression was that the shart had occurred earlier, somehow unnoticed, but the subsequent fart alerted me to the earlier expulsion of liquid.

No damage to clothing or even underpants, but had some damage control to do, nonetheless.

I assume you're writing this with a stool super-shart-glued to your ass?

[RPM 26,601]

Been having some belly trouble last few days. Yesterday before bed I felt a jalapeno fueled caravan heading for the border. The first wave hit with what I anticipated as a dry run. My intel was not completely accurate. After I let fly... there was a lingering. Did the clenched cheeks mambo to the toilet and let the games begin. The loser was my septic system and half a roll of Charmin Extra.

[nnm 37,885]

2 hours ago, RPM said:

half a roll of Charmin Extra

Bidet thread is that way—->
 

Should be required for any home on septic. 

[RDCanecutter 26,863]

7 hours ago, nnm said:

Bidet thread is that way—->
 

Should be required for any home on septic. 

I mean, if we're gonna talk Sharts in France, I have a story, but it's from 2002 so doesn't belong in this thread.

[Buzzrock 15,135]

I’ve been absent for a long time but I’m making a helluva comeback. I’ve been pissing out of my ass for over 24 hours…on a work trip. I fouled almost every pair of underwear I brought not to mention every hotel towel. I left housekeeping a $20 tip and a note apologizing. 
 

I hope this tops me off through 2025 at least.