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Ethical Non Monogamy "ENM"/Throupling/Fucking around/whatever.....

Aqua Buddha

By Aqua Buddha
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BurntEyes

BurntEyes 5808

Posted
Posted (edited)
24 minutes ago, YGIFS said:

I just do it to my wife.     

You are a fucking liar. You aren't throat fucking your wife. 

I'm not saying you might not occasionally get a BJ on special occasions, but I'm calling bullshit on the Pornhub tear inducing throat fucking you claim.

Otherwise, I completely agree with your post.

I won't claim to know what slorch meant, but earlier I said I don't care what people do with their vaginas and cocks. I should have added "as long as it's consenting adults".(edit - missed slorcho's clarification)

Your wife isn't consenting to throat fucking. 😉

Edited by BurntEyes
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YGIFS

YGIFS 19449

Posted
Posted (edited)

Alright, perhaps I was being a tad aggressive.  She called it something else, but i couldn't understand her words with all the gagging.  ;)  

Anyway, ENM is an interesting phenomenon to me in that some of the people I know who practice it are vehemently against gay and/or interracial marriage.  Which is just beyond bizarre to me.  Like your wife can go down on another woman or suck a Egyptian's dick...but she just can't divorce you and marry one of 'em?  

Edited by YGIFS
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troph

troph 24547

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Posted

gay men actually are the ones that have it down to a science. getting off is like going to the gym. many have gym buddies and they have their husband or partner. two totally different things. it kinda makes sense, why jerk off when you can walk outside find another man to give you a blow job, reciprocate and then finish your set.  I'm sure it's more complicated than that, but the friends we have that have talked about it make it sound like what's the big deal? it's easy.

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'stache

'stache 21743

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Marriage is dumb. Tie tax breaks to having kids. No reason childless couples need tax breaks. Just celebrated my 17th anniversary, but philosophically, it makes little sense. You don’t need a legal certificate to differentiate between ethical and nonethical fucking around. If both partners are legitimately into it, no harm no foul. I think the problem is that it’s rarely mutual. The only example of a swinging couple I know of is my friend’s brother who was fucking around and convinced his wife that they should be swingers. She apparently participates but the origin story sure sounds like it was forced on her and she didn’t want to divorce. Weird shit imo.

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troph

troph 24547

Posted
Posted (edited)
29 minutes ago, Pam Cummings said:

As a person that can barely handle one sexual partner, this is all very confusing to me. I'm glad i know my limitations.

as long as you keep pam cumming I think you'll do just fine. and btw, I think most of us are in your shoes, maybe not the same feet but shoes. having a second love interest sounds utterly exhausting.

6 minutes ago, chainsaw said:

LOL probably not an indication of the healthiest relationship. Glad you got out

she started it.  j/k sorta.

don't make your partner feel like shit and unworthy and maybe it doesn't have to go that way. when we started the open relationship, I worked my ass off to make her life better, her emotional experience more secure. But I also new that (1) I'd quickly find someone, I already was getting hit on, and (2) it would be rough for my then wife, sooooooo I did what thoughtful people do, I thought about what effect it would have on her and I planned around that to make it better for her. Hell I did that in transition too. I went from a dick face to an all star partner, parent, etc. because of everyone's sacrifice for me I had an obligation to make it better for everyone else. Heck, in divorce I said the same thing, if I'm going to do this, I have to make it better for my kids. She had no ability to focus on the others around her. She told me I wasn't good enough and that she was going to do this. wtf do you do?

I think that's how most open relationships go. Ignore the penthouse progressive trans story and just look at a selfish partner that said "I'm going to do this, I don't care what you think." and ask, how the fuck does that work?

an open relationship can work if as KY states, it starts that way and there is a ton of communication and thoughtfulness. Ironically, the selfish act of getting your sexual needs met by others REQUIRES you be more selfless than before.  If you are naturally selfish, it will not work. 100% failure rate. and I think most who ask for open are selfish to begin with, hence the widespread failure rate.

Edited by troph
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jdhorn92

jdhorn92 1535

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, troph said:

gay men actually are the ones that have it down to a science. getting off is like going to the gym. many have gym buddies and they have their husband or partner. two totally different things. it kinda makes sense, why jerk off when you can walk outside find another man to give you a blow job, reciprocate and then finish your set.  I'm sure it's more complicated than that, but the friends we have that have talked about it make it sound like what's the big deal? it's easy.

I saw a comedian do a bit on this. Its been years now, but the premise is what you describe here.

  He had a Seinfeld-like delivery  Paraphrasiing: 'you know , in my next life, Im returning as a gay man.  Think about, all i ever want is sex anyhow...how bad could it be, i get to have to sex, leave immediately, nobody gets mad. Spend my time in the gym,  sit around in cafes in a bright,  tight muscle shirt, no one thinks twice, they just say he must be gay.  I hang out with guys anyway, watch sports all day, in and out of partners, those gay guys are on to something'.

Edited by jdhorn92
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Bateshorn

Bateshorn 9882

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4 minutes ago, jdhorn92 said:

I saw a comedian do a bit on this. Its been years now, but the premise is what you describe here.

  He had a Seinfeld-like delivery  Paraphrasiing: 'you know , in my next life, Im returning as a gay man.  Think about, all i ever want is sex anyhow...how bad could it be, i get to have to sex, leave immediately, nobody gets mad. Spend my time in the gym,  sit around in cafes in a bright,  tight muscle shirt, no one thinks twice, they just say he must be gay.  I hang out with guys anyway, watch sports all day, in and out of partners, those gay guys are on to something'.

Of course the flip is Straight Male Friend :

 

 

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safe sex

safe sex 11659

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, troph said:

gay men actually are the ones that have it down to a science. getting off is like going to the gym. many have gym buddies and they have their husband or partner. two totally different things. it kinda makes sense, why jerk off when you can walk outside find another man to give you a blow job, reciprocate and then finish your set.  I'm sure it's more complicated than that, but the friends we have that have talked about it make it sound like what's the big deal? it's easy.

It's not much more complicated than that lol. Spend some time in the Highland Gold's Gym and you'll see there are def gym buddies who take a quick break to go fuck in the bathroom mid workout. Gotta get the cardio in between lifting I guess? Or they'll fuck in the showers after. 

(I know know this because of patients telling me this lmao)

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chainsaw

chainsaw 9831

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Posted
2 minutes ago, safe sex said:

It's not much more complicated than that lol. Spend some time in the Highland Gold's Gym and you'll see there are def gym buddies who take a quick break to go fuck in the bathroom mid workout. Gotta get the cardio in between lifting I guess? Or they'll fuck in the showers after. 

(I know know this because of patients telling me this lmao)

When I worked from home more during covid I would take sex (or if nobody was around, jerk off) breaks to improve my focus. Maybe for them it's about more than cardio.

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HornPhD

HornPhD 1361

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37 minutes ago, jdhorn92 said:

I saw a comedian do a bit on this. Its been years now, but the premise is what you describe here.

  He had a Seinfeld-like delivery  Paraphrasiing: 'you know , in my next life, Im returning as a gay man.  Think about, all i ever want is sex anyhow...how bad could it be, i get to have to sex, leave immediately, nobody gets mad. Spend my time in the gym,  sit around in cafes in a bright,  tight muscle shirt, no one thinks twice, they just say he must be gay.  I hang out with guys anyway, watch sports all day, in and out of partners, those gay guys are on to something'.

Greg Giraldo. Great bit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIOa4RtQA2M

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Js1

Js1 85055

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2 hours ago, troph said:

gay men actually are the ones that have it down to a science. getting off is like going to the gym. many have gym buddies and they have their husband or partner. two totally different things. it kinda makes sense, why jerk off when you can walk outside find another man to give you a blow job, reciprocate and then finish your set.  I'm sure it's more complicated than that, but the friends we have that have talked about it make it sound like what's the big deal? it's easy.

Jim Carrey Yes GIF

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safe sex

safe sex 11659

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Posted (edited)

Men who have Sex with Men. 

Some dudes are totally straight, ok? Totally straight, but like...maybe they enjoy sucking on a little man dick now and then...or sampling a little bussy.

But they're still totally straight, ok?

Edited by safe sex
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KYHorn

KYHorn 16806

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1 hour ago, 'stache said:

Marriage is dumb. Tie tax breaks to having kids. No reason childless couples need tax breaks

There are really no significant tax breaks for marriage. If you both make somewhat similar incomes there is not really any tax benefit or drawback to marriage. There used to be some benefits, but there also used to be some penalties. Both of these have mostly been leveled out. The most significant issue remaining is probably the marriage penalty for the earned income tax credit and, more significantly IMO, the marriage penalties for qualifying for government programs.

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orange dream

orange dream 1236

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Posted
4 minutes ago, safe sex said:

Men who have Sex with Men. 

Some dudes are totally straight, ok? Totally straight, but like...maybe they enjoy sucking on a little man dick now and then...or sampling a little bussy.

But they're still totally straight, ok?

never heard of bussy before.

giphy.gif.a9440a4cb9fca254ff2bdcdc37e3692c.gif

 

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SydneyCarton

SydneyCarton 47809

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14 hours ago, safe sex said:

I'd hazard a guess that poly relationships fail at a rate similar to mono relationships

This is an intersting thought. How would you measure success or failure? 

Isn't the measure of success that everyone stays together and happy into perpetuity? At least as much as any relationship? By definition isn't one person leaving a plyamorous communtiy still a failure? It seems like introducing multiple variables would always increase the level fo failure. Also, define "success" and "failure?" Full time life committment? Making it work for 1 year? 2? It's so hard to compare apples and oranges. 

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texashorne

texashorne 1177

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Throw me in the "does not compute" team. 

No fucking way a person should devote the time, energy, money, and life into their spouse only for them to turn around and go sleep with someone else. 

And I cant help but think it would be way easier and less time consuming to just put that energy toward the person youre with then go establish and maintain a new relationship. 

 

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safe sex

safe sex 11659

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40 minutes ago, texashorne said:

Throw me in the "does not compute" team. 

No fucking way a person should devote the time, energy, money, and life into their spouse only for them to turn around and go sleep with someone else. 

And I cant help but think it would be way easier and less time consuming to just put that energy toward the person youre with then go establish and maintain a new relationship. 

 

Thanks for reading the thread and really understanding the topic.

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crash_davis

crash_davis 23078

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16 minutes ago, chainsaw said:

There's a rich history of multiple partner relationships in other cultures. I don't agree that monogamy is some biological mandate.

If by rich history you mean cultures and religions which view women as basically property who need to be submissive to their husbands, then yea.

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34313

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17 minutes ago, BeardIP said:

I have some personal opinions about it, but having not lived this experience or desired even in the least to have this experience, it's probably most respectful to keep it high level. 

This is a fascinating topic from a general trend and sociological perspective as it represents a deviation (or some might say, evolution) of the social construct that is intimate or romantic relationships as a people. I think that is what the guy talking about penicillin and legal abortions was getting to the heart of as well.

 

My general point is that these social constructs are often downstream of biology.  And the further away we get from the direct impacts of biology, the more often we try to retcon social norms that evolved as a result of biological imperatives as arbitrary rules that are standing in the way of nature. 
 

Here’s a few realities about human existence that feed into mating and pairing strategies and social constructs around them:

- Childbirth is dangerous, painful and high intensity for human women. (Big brained infants, bipedalism)

- Raising human children is long-term and high intensity and human mothers are hard pressed to do it alone (brain development comes before running and hunting, so the kid is saddled to you and your recovery period is longer) 

- The connection with sexual promiscuity and impairing/fatal diseases is well known since ancient times. 
 

Just thinking about that will shed light on why humans as a species trended toward mating strategies and structures where questions of paternity (and thereby the responsibility to care for pregnant women and children) encounters few questions.

It’s fairly uncontroversial that other sorts of rules and norms (eat that, not this) started as pretty sensible guidelines to avoid serious health and other problems, but got dressed up in the language of religion and ethics for a species that lacked the concept of bacteria and “cook to temp.” It shouldn’t be controversial that this is how other social structures evolved as well. 
 

There seems to be a determination that all social evolution must be shown to have deep historic roots, or a biological basis. I think you see that above in the wiggle language of “multiple partner cultures.”  The truth is that polygyny is super historic and wide-spread, polyandry is basically a rounding error in the anthropological survey, modern polyamory basically unknown, and monogamy in between. The reasons go beyond bigotry or hate for women, although they certainly fed into those attitudes. 

There’s no reason to make up history or look for some sort of support in deep human biology. I reject that thinking as unfounded, I think it’s fine to celebrate advances that allow us to treat others equally and for people to more fully self-realize.

I don’t want to abandon agriculture, medicine, or dating apps and the chance to try ENM; and I don’t want to tell people that they should be bound to social norms that developed when lots of those things never existed. Why should we? 

 

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ChiTownDoc

ChiTownDoc 21091

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Posted

Get a cool wife.  When you go to Miami or Vegas with the guys, there’s a lot of girls around and shit happens.  If you need to hide that, you have the wrong gal.  Also doesn’t mean you advertise it to your lady   

If you feel like you love another bitch or fall for girls easily - or your actual wife sucks, then this probably won’t work.  

And before someone makes a comment about being loaded for that arrangement, I’m 100% sure it helps, but I met my wife when I was still in school.  Never looked back.  Life is great. 

The people that think a long term relationship will last with 3sums etc - LOL. 

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ChiTownDoc

ChiTownDoc 21091

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36 minutes ago, chainsaw said:

There's a rich history of multiple partner relationships in other cultures. I don't agree that monogamy is some biological mandate.

Lol.  Monogamy is the opposite of biological.  Who the fuck is saying it’s biological?

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F250

F250 28658

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Posted
4 minutes ago, ChiTownDoc said:

And before someone makes a comment about being loaded for that arrangement, I’m 100% sure it helps, but I met my wife when I was still in school.  Never looked back.  Life is great. 

So you are suggesting people should wife a sooner?

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safe sex

safe sex 11659

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48 minutes ago, BeardIP said:

I have some personal opinions about it, but having not lived this experience or desired even in the least to have this experience, it's probably most respectful to keep it high level

 

Holy fuck just spit it out. Stop with this performative bullshit. You can relay stupid and ridiculous opinions in a respectful manner. It's really not hard. I do it every time I talk about football.

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crash_davis

crash_davis 23078

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7 minutes ago, safe sex said:

Holy fuck just spit it out. Stop with this performative bullshit. You can relay stupid and ridiculous opinions in a respectful manner. It's really not hard. I do it every time I talk about football.

You're trying to expand your swinger rollodex, aren't you?

a53cd0ce-ec17-48ca-b1d8-e9f8245f6e05_scr

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Rimbo

Rimbo 25752

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, texashorne said:

Throw me in the "does not compute" team. 

You know what doesn't compute to me? Why anyone would find a guy attractive. Anyone! Guys, girls, either. You know why it doesn't compute? Because I'm a heterosexual guy! Same reason transgendered people don't compute for me: Because I'm cisgender! And do you know why poly relationships don't compute for you and me? Because we're monogamous!

If any of this shit DID compute, I wouldn't be what I am.

The danger here is when, by being a member of the dominant majority, I start to thinking that my way is the ONLY right way to be. Sexuality and gender is much more fuckin complicated than that.

It's very obvious that monogamous couples that try poly relationships are going to fail. They're monogamous!

But what's right for me ain't right for everyone else. Which is great, because if it WERE, none of us would have ever gotten laid unless we literally were looking in our magic mirrors and saying, "yeah, that's what I wanna fuck." Hell, that's one of the few sexualities left that we still label as a mental health disorder: Narcissism!

 

tl;dr: The normal and right thing with all things sexual and gender related is that anything that doesn't compute for you just means it ain't FOR you, same just for you specifically.

Edited by Rimbo
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immamac

immamac 42492

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5 minutes ago, Rimbo said:

You know what doesn't compute to me? Why anyone would find a guy attractive. Guys, girls, either. You know why it doesn't compute? Because I'm a heterosexual guy! Same reason transgendered people don't compute for me: Because I'm cisgender! And do you know why poly relationships don't compute for you and me? Because we're monogamous!

If any of this shit DID compute, I wouldn't be what I am.

The danger here is when, by being a member of the dominant majority, I start to thinking that my way is the ONLY right way to be. Sexuality and gender is much more fuckin complicated than that.

It's very obvious that monogamous couples that try poly relationships are going to fail, much the same way that me experimenting with a guy is going to fail, or trying to make myself a woman. I don't HAVE to try it out; I already know I'm monogamous, straight, and cisgender.

But what's right for me ain't right for everyone else. Which is great, because if it WERE, none of us would have ever gotten laid unless we literally were looking in our magic mirrors and saying, "yeah, that's what I wanna fuck." Hell, that's one of the few sexualities left that we still label as a mental health disorder. Narcissism.

 

tl;dr: The normal and right thing with all things sexual and gender related is that anything that doesn't compute for you just means it ain't FOR you, same just for you specifically.

This only captures one side of the equation. With ENM there is the other person (main dick/pussy) and then everyone else. This is the part that doesn’t make any sense. How do you have a main person and then a bunch of other partners vs just being an individual with a bunch of other partners. Being polyamorous is a you thing. Being ethically non monogamous is an us thing.

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