Helping your wife through The Change

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

Alright, guys (and gals; you're the experts after all). What are your best survival tips? Mrs GOTJ was diagnosed as pre-menopausal about a year ago & now that train is roaring down the tracks. Rapid & dramatic body temperature changes, especially at night usually have her sleeping in the guest room. That's pretty easy to manage. But now it's the sudden mood swings that are spinning my head a la Linda Blair. Sure, over the past 20+ years I've become adept at dodging the verbal landmines & trick questions designed to test if I've been paying attention or not. But now she's got like superhero rapid fire interrogation abilities combined with other worldly hearing (no muttering under my breath) AND the ability to instantly burst into tears. Her doc has her on some good meds which helps somewhat, but I really don't want to end up in a shallow earthen grave in the near future because I didn't see the trap that was laid for me.

 

Help me, surly-wan. You're my only hope.

[Parliament 14257]

Divorce her for a 25 yo replacement.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

Who do you think I am, Leo D?

[futureman 22457]

I thought this was gonna be reverse tropheus

[ztejas 43419]

Just now, futureman said:

I thought this was gonna be reverse tropheus

I thought maybe his wife was a werewolf.

[DaysOff 7947]

Follow Dr. Mary Claire Haver on social media and get her on HRT and estrogen.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

I thought maybe his wife was a werewolf.

Nah. She was Team Edward.

[RPM 26318]

 

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

Just like with teens dealing with hormone floods, keep in mind that no matter how miserable your experience is, hers is far worse.  Be there for her, be patient, supportive, and comforting, and get fireproof Kevlar armor, with a chain mail overlay.

[Guest]

If she respected you, then there wouldn't be any issues.

Spoiler

😁

 

Edited March 7 by FirstTimeCaller

[Marfa Low Crown 2546]

Pre-menopausal symptoms ended my last long-term relationship.  There was a little bit of the mood swings etc. but what killed it was her shutting down sexually. I told her
I would stand by her through anything but to please understand that just because her drive went away didn't mean that mine did. I asked her if she would just 'help me out' from
time to time but after that conversation she never did or even thought about it. I went through a year of that before I finally told her I would never cheat on her but I also wasn't going to live like a starved beggar for my personal needs. 
I told her there were  just so many nights I could lie next to someone I loved and was attracted to who didn't want anything to do with me. I did what was the right thing for myself and broke up with her. 
Truly hope your experience is better and y'all get through it. 
 

[Davis Lane 5583]

[nnm 36376]

It was pretty uneventful for us. Yes, some temperature and mood swings, but overall Mrs NNM handled it like a champ. And is in a great place now. She’s much more secure in her self than she was in her 20s.  

[gofuckyourself 8221]

Been there, doing that and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

To my gal's credit, she keeps it very in check. So I help her out in every way I can and here's what has worked at various stages:

1) Installed her own HVAC component. Really. We put in a window unit in the bedroom. It directs cold air right on her to help manage the internal furnace chaos. Easily the most vital thing we've done. If that isn't feasible, use fans, cooling blankets (she also bought and loves those) or suggest an ice-bucket challenge every so often.

2) Vitamin supplements. Get her on quality vitamins including Vitamin E. From what I've read that one is a key one to help manage pre- and menopausal symptoms. She's a bit lax on this but every time she does it regularly I observe the emotional and physical symptoms are better.

3) Obviously healthy eating and sleep and exercise are key. But those are disrupted if she's physically miserable.

4) Pray and or sacrifice to the ancient gods of female humors, particularly whoever is in charge of black bile.

5) If she chooses hormone therapy, monitor the hell out of that shit. It can sometimes be the cure that's worse than the symptoms.

6) Be careful with what doctors prescribe in general and research that stuff, if they recommend something. Some of them are SSRIs and mood-altering drugs that can have terrible side-effects.

Good luck.

[nnm 36376]

3 minutes ago, gofuckyourself said:

cooling blankets

We have an Ooler. From Chilipad. Cannot recommend this highly enough. Lets you both control the temp on your side of the bed. Makes for much more restful deep and REM sleep because you’re not tossing and turning all night trying to find a piece of the bed that’s not hot. 

[hullabelew 3724]

I watch a lot of Forensic Files to remind me that people always leave clues.  

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

Yeah, she's extremely conscious of her intake, religiously uses her high quality vitamins, doc has her on different meds to keep her balanced, etc. She's also on meds for a low thyroid so keeping everything finely tuned is the challenge. Will definitely look into the Ooler thing though.

[TexasHooch 5122]

Be thankful that you don't also have a teenage daughter in the same house?

[honolulu horn 6158]

18 minutes ago, TexasHooch said:

Be thankful that you don't also have a teenage daughter in the same house?

I've got both. It's a challenge. 

[TrashMaster G 17553]

1 minute ago, honolulu horn said:

I've got both. It's a challenge. 

Godspeed, my man

[Mr. Drummond 2199]

Remind her that every old female in the history of the world has gone through it and she isn't that special.  

[Victor Lazlo 1776]

35 minutes ago, gofuckyourself said:

Been there, doing that and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

To my gal's credit, she keeps it very in check. So I help her out in every way I can and here's what has worked at various stages:

1) Installed her own HVAC component. Really. We put in a window unit in the bedroom. It directs cold air right on her to help manage the internal furnace chaos. Easily the most vital thing we've done. If that isn't feasible, use fans, cooling blankets (she also bought and loves those) or suggest an ice-bucket challenge every so often.

2) Vitamin supplements. Get her on quality vitamins including Vitamin E. From what I've read that one is a key one to help manage pre- and menopausal symptoms. She's a bit lax on this but every time she does it regularly I observe the emotional and physical symptoms are better.

3) Obviously healthy eating and sleep and exercise are key. But those are disrupted if she's physically miserable.

4) Pray and or sacrifice to the ancient gods of female humors, particularly whoever is in charge of black bile.

5) If she chooses hormone therapy, monitor the hell out of that shit. It can sometimes be the cure that's worse than the symptoms.

6) Be careful with what doctors prescribe in general and research that stuff, if they recommend something. Some of them are SSRIs and mood-altering drugs that can have terrible side-effects.

Good luck.

And here I thought I was the only one that resorted to installing a window unit.

My wife would close off the bedroom and crank that thing down to the low to mid 60’s. I had to use an extra blanket, but she slept like a baby. Basically cured her sleeping problems due to the “change”.

She exercised a lot and took vitamins regularly, and I’m sure that helped.

Good luck, OP.

[honolulu horn 6158]

I'll add that if she's considering HRT, she needs to see someone that is knowledgeable and supportive about it. My wife went to her primary care doc -- a female in her 30s -- who basically told her to just deal with the symptoms because she doesn't believe in HRT and that menopause isn't such a big deal. What a fucking joke. Try dealing with two hours of sleep a night and hot flashes pouring sweat every 30 minutes, you fucking rube. So my wife dropped her and found a local HRT specialist. Things have turned around a ton (much better sleep, very few hot flashes, libido back to normal) but the biggest thing for her was being able to talk to someone who took her seriously and didn't make her feel like a whiny irritant. 

She also found this article validating: https://www.everydayhealth.com/menopause/menopausal-women-arent-crazy-theyre-just-often-gaslit/ 

[tigol 2395]

I'll add that if she's considering HRT, she needs to see someone that is knowledgeable and supportive about it. My wife went to her primary care doc -- a female in her 30s -- who basically told her to just deal with the symptoms because she doesn't believe in HRT and that menopause isn't such a big deal. What a fucking joke. Try dealing with two hours of sleep a night and hot flashes pouring sweat every 30 minutes, you fucking rube. So my wife dropped her and found a local HRT specialist. Things have turned around a ton (much better sleep, very few hot flashes, libido back to normal) but the biggest thing for her was being able to talk to someone who took her seriously and didn't make her feel like a whiny irritant. 
She also found this article validating: https://www.everydayhealth.com/menopause/menopausal-women-arent-crazy-theyre-just-often-gaslit/ 

Thank you for being a supportive husband.

[RPM 26318]

17 minutes ago, Mr. Drummond said:

Remind her that every old female in the history of the world has gone through it and she isn't that special.  

[irishtexan 11518]

My wife went through menopause at 39. Had our last kid at the age of 38 and she never got another period. It's like our son was the very last egg. I think that's why he's such a pain in the ass.

But she's handled it like a champ. Key seemed to be getting on the right combination of hormones. She went back on the pill for more estrogen (tried a few different pills). Once we found the right combination it's been pretty manageable. She had mild temperature changes and didn't have terrible mood swings. Other than the fact that it came about a decade earlier than it should have, fortunately it hasn't been too terrible on her. Now she's just paranoid that she's going to drop dead because her "body is shutting down."

The most difficult part of this for husbands is definitely a decrease in sex drive. It's very, very real. She says she just literally never thinks about it, but once we are "in the moment" it's enjoyable. Scheduling sex has worked for us so that she is mentally prepared and ready to participate. It's not the sexiest, but it works. She's been a trooper about that as well. 

 

[Aqua Buddha 14595]

3 hours ago, DaysOff said:

Follow Dr. Mary Claire Haver on social media and get her on HRT and estrogen.

This right here.  I've been on TRT since December and she's looking into HRT now.  Game changer.  Yes, the medical establishment blows it off like they do a lot of other things that impact women.  Find a doctor/clinic that specializes in this.

I understand the pitfalls of giving your wife diet and fitness advice but what I've learned is they need to do less cardio and more strength/weight training.  The body is losing muscle quickly.  (This applies to men as well at that age.)  I would suggest a female personal trainer, if possible.

Also realize that every woman is different about menopause.  With some, it's short and not a big deal.  For others, it can go on for years and can be a struggle.

[DaysOff 7947]

Remind her that every old female in the history of the world has gone through it and she isn't that special.  

Most women in history died before reaching menopause. Modern medicine is just now addressing the problem because men dominated OBGYN until recently.

[Aqua Buddha 14595]

3 minutes ago, DaysOff said:

Most women in history died before reaching menopause. Modern medicine is just now addressing the problem because men dominated OBGYN until recently.

[Sbbruin 21847]

2 hours ago, TexasHooch said:

Be thankful that you don't also have a teenage daughter in the same house?

I've got both going on in my house.  Pray for me.

[Armybrat 40834]

2 hours ago, nnm said:

It was pretty uneventful for us. Yes, some temperature and mood swings, but overall Mrs NNM handled it like a champ. And is in a great place now. She’s much more secure in her self than she was in her 20s.  

Same with Mrs. Brat.

[Classic Rock 276]

1 hour ago, honolulu horn said:

I'll add that if she's considering HRT, she needs to see someone that is knowledgeable and supportive about it. My wife went to her primary care doc -- a female in her 30s -- who basically told her to just deal with the symptoms because she doesn't believe in HRT and that menopause isn't such a big deal. What a fucking joke. Try dealing with two hours of sleep a night and hot flashes pouring sweat every 30 minutes, you fucking rube. So my wife dropped her and found a local HRT specialist. Things have turned around a ton (much better sleep, very few hot flashes, libido back to normal) but the biggest thing for her was being able to talk to someone who took her seriously and didn't make her feel like a whiny irritant. 

She also found this article validating: https://www.everydayhealth.com/menopause/menopausal-women-arent-crazy-theyre-just-often-gaslit/ 

Went through this same scenario, only to find out my wife was allergic to the hormone pills. Found some relief with some hot flash drug and some over the counter stuff. Sleeping is the main issue.

[Armybrat 40834]

1 hour ago, Mr. Drummond said:

Remind her that every mature female in the history of the world has gone through it and she isn't that special.  

Fify…so as to avoid bloodshed (specifically… yours)

[bullzak 422]

My wife is a type A but generally even keeled. We are older parents and she went through this when our kids were toddlers. If we didn't have kids no way I would have stuck it out. 

All the unexpected meltdowns and screaming at everybody over trivia. Holy shit. 

Wouldn't ever go through that again. Seriously words can't express how much that sucked. 

[Mr. Drummond 2199]

47 minutes ago, DaysOff said:

Most women in history died before reaching menopause. Modern medicine is just now addressing the problem because men dominated OBGYN until recently.

 it was a joke. 

[landman 559]

My wife is going through it.  So, I try to be understanding and let things slide when she blows a fuse.

I also make sure we have plenty of Wild Turkey 101 in the cabinet and seems a drink or two each night helps.  Both of us.

 

[irishtexan 11518]

12 minutes ago, landman said:

My wife is going through it.  So, I try to be understanding and let things slide when she blows a fuse.

I also make sure we have plenty of Wild Turkey 101 in the cabinet and seems a drink or two each night helps.  Both of us.

 

We are literally living the exact same life. 

[MissingInAction 25051]

A long time childhood friend is going through it. When she starts getting moody she throws her husband out of the house then invites me over to get really shit housed.

It took a few invites before I figured out what was going on. 

[Pokoloco 1281]

Trix was an absolute monster during PMS. The poor kids had no idea what was happening. "mommy's making her mad face again". I really thought she would murder me at times. 

Her going through menopause was sweet relief for all of us. Hot flashes were about it, she's through it, on hormone replacement. All is good.

[futureman 22457]

does their libido come back after getting through it?  I thought old women were horny. 

[52-80 19151]

How come big pharma havent invented something to jumpstart menoresume

[Pokoloco 1281]

45 minutes ago, futureman said:

does their libido come back after getting through it?  I thought old women were horny. 

Yes!

[tigol 2395]

Pro Tip:  If you are trying to buy a vehicle and don't want to get fucked with, take her with you.  Trust me.  My husband now drives a new Duramax because the Dodge people are fucking idiots and tried to fuck around with the numbers in front of me.  I hope their eyebrows grow back one day, but they fucking earned that shit.  Fuck you, Dodge.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

Lol, we just bought one last Fri and although the price negotiations went fine & the whole experience was low key, she did things along when it came time to sign the paperwork. We made it clear multiple times we were paying cash & not buying any extended service contracts, maintenance plans, etc. When the finance manager tried to start his pitch she gave him a dead-eyed stare & said "I'm hungry & we're heading for lunch. Say whatever you want, but when my husband's through writing the check we're taking the keys & leaving. " It was a true FAFO tone & it worked beautifully .

[ROFL BOX 6649]

The hardest part is when they DO recognize that it is a problem, they CAN actually do something about it / not take it out on you...

...but they don't give a shit & everyone suffers while your kids are becoming trained to think this is normal behavior.

 

Yay me 

[troph 24787]

my wife is in it but she's never slept well so it's par for the course. makes me really sad. She wants to do HRT, it's her choice, her symptoms, etc. Her older sister did it and swears by it. but my wife hasn't been to the doctor in like 8 years. I was already thinking I was going to have to take her for the cancer screenings, but now that she's stealing my hormones I'm going to have to get on that pronto.

[Crapinon 2257]

3 hours ago, tigol said:

Pro Tip:  If you are trying to buy a vehicle and don't want to get fucked with, take her with you.  Trust me.  My husband now drives a new Duramax because the Dodge people are fucking idiots and tried to fuck around with the numbers in front of me.  I hope their eyebrows grow back one day, but they fucking earned that shit.  Fuck you, Dodge.

Back in the 70's a friend of mines dad was trying to buy a Datsun B210 for the gas mileage. He had an old pickup that he was driving to their farm and his gas bill was expensive. As he was negotiating a price with the salesman, they both came to a sticking point. The salesman turned to his wife and said "wouldn't you like to have a nice new car?" She didn't and said to him "Screw that car. You can take it and drive it up your ass" and walked out. His dad shrugged and followed her to the parking lot. The salesman followed them and agreed to his price. I don't know if she was going through menopause or not but it was an effective car negotiating tool. 

[gernblansten 3196]

21 hours ago, bullzak said:

My wife is a type A but generally even keeled. We are older parents and she went through this when our kids were toddlers. If we didn't have kids no way I would have stuck it out. 

All the unexpected meltdowns and screaming at everybody over trivia. Holy shit. 

Wouldn't ever go through that again. Seriously words can't express how much that sucked. 

 

 

[BonzoMontreaux 1038]

20 hours ago, Pokoloco said:

Trix was an absolute monster during PMS. The poor kids had no idea what was happening. "mommy's making her mad face again". I really thought she would murder me at times. 

Her going through menopause was sweet relief for all of us. Hot flashes were about it, she's through it, on hormone replacement. All is good.

I can relate to this.  My wife, who I adore and love beyond words, was unpredictable regarding what mood she was in during PMS.  She could have been used has a psychological warfare weapon and it would have ended many a conflict.  
Menopause has been a blessing.

[Al_4_ISU 12461]

On 3/7/2024 at 10:23 AM, TexasHooch said:

Be thankful that you don't also have a teenage daughter in the same house?

My wife will likely hit menopause when our daughter is a teenager.

There's a reason when we bought our current home, I sought out a house that has an "extra" space separate from the main house that's heated and has room for a bar.