Co-worker shenanigans: the funny stuff

[Parliament 14243]

Inspired by comments in another thread.  I'll start:

Happened at our national sales meeting in Floriday (LOL) several years ago.  Our VP of whatever musta been feelin' his oats that week.  Went and hired him a prostitute.  Got caught by the cops.

Next morning his boss had the corporate jet waiting at the airport.  Flew him and left him on the tarmac fired.

[Braff Zacklin 13553]

Yeah, I was pretty upset about that. Figured the least he could do was fly me home first.

[CycleTex87 2966]

Pretty good. At our national sales meeting one year, a subset of the guys ended up in a strip joint and ran up a monster tab, and hung it on one particular dude.  That dude was pretty wasted and got mad. A scene ensued and he left the club to go to his truck after his pistol and was headed back in when a couple of the guys tackled him, got the gun and took him to the hotel. 

[Prepuce of Doom 21053]

That's the funny stuff?! 

[immamac 42836]

Nothing in this thread has been funny. 

[texas08 1599]

lol

[CoTex 1160]

I’ve done some stupid shit.  I’m glad none of yall were present.

[Sawbonz 27540]

52 minutes ago, immamac said:

Nothing in this thread has been funny. 

Well the one dude had a national sales meeting they could drive to

[ABSR 5308]

10 hours ago, immamac said:

Nothing in this thread has been funny. 

Seems like someone didn't appreciate being left on the tarmac? 

[Crapinon 2253]

I worked for a company that used to have a big open house for customers, in our Dallas warehouse. We would take bus loads of customers from Forth Worth and most everyone was wasted when they came home. On one trip, the head of corporate purchasing for Alcon Labs passed out and one of our salesman (equally drunk) thought it would be funny to put a little lipstick and perfume on the purchasing manager's shirt. Shenanigans did not ensue. The guys wife did not find it humorous and accused him of fooling around. So the next day, the manager demanded that said salesman be fired or the account closed. Money won and he lost his job. I guess it seemed funny at the time.   

Edited June 18 by Crapinon

[idigTexas 2284]

This whole thread.

[markstanco 12571]

12ish years ago we were in Vegas for a conference.  One of my sales guys (now East Coast manager) decided to go out with some customers that are good friends of mine, they are fun.  Somebody knocks on my door about 3AM, and it is the customers pushing him in a wheelchair.  First thing I say, WTF???  They explain to me they went to a strip bar.  Okay, but how did he get som hammered I asked.  They said "you know those hors that carry around the trays of shots in test tubes?"  "Yea"  "Well we bought him the whole tray and the last shot we told her to take the shot and spit it back in to his mouth".

He showed up for the 8A meeting at 11.  I told him that was his last hall pass, and its never happened again.

[Mother mopar 3318]

AF story, our unit was TDY to Nellis AFB (Vegas), and after 2nd shift, we always went out. As always, someone gets just housed! So we grabbed the dude, put him in his room, put him in bed, and I was getting ready to walk out. Buddy says, "Hold on, BRB...goes to his room grabs a beef broulin cube, I'm like WTH. He unscrews shower head and puts a beef brouliin cub behind it. The next day, dude, comes in for work smelling like straight beef stew in the truck riding launch. Shit was a riot!

Next day, I'm like, where the hell did you learn that? He said someone did it him. Good times!

[Macanudo 12975]

22 hours ago, Mother mopar said:

AF story, our unit was TDY to Nellis AFB (Vegas), and after 2nd shift, we always went out. As always, someone gets just housed! So we grabbed the dude, put him in his room, put him in bed, and I was getting ready to walk out. Buddy says, "Hold on, BRB...goes to his room grabs a beef broulin cube, I'm like WTH. He unscrews shower head and puts a beef brouliin cub behind it. The next day, dude, comes in for work smelling like straight beef stew in the truck riding launch. Shit was a riot!

Next day, I'm like, where the hell did you learn that? He said someone did it him. Good times!
 

See, that's funny.

 

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

Old fart story coming in: Back in the early 80s I worked at a shop making light poles.  One guy liked to slip out to the parking lot while everyone was working, pick a random car, and run a wire from one of the spark plug spots on the distributor cap to the driver's seat.  You get in and start the car and every time that cylinder fires you get a hell of a shock if you're touching or even close to something metal, like the core of the steering wheel.  The funny part is that someone returned the favor to him, but ran the wire to the passenger's bucket seat.  He had no clue that his car was rigged until his girlfriend got in the car and he started it up.  Cruel?  Yes.  Funny?  Oh fuck yes!

[Spaulding Smails 1552]

I got a few from my days in sales and national accounts...

When I first started in the equipment business in the mid 90s, we had a several locations around Houston.  Pre caller ID, so lots of light-hearted prank calls between branches, especially when someone new was doing inside sales.  We had this cocky dude at my branch that everyone fucked with.  His name was Rod, and he called himself "Tripod Rod".  The calls were relentless.  One day, a female called Rod and said, "I need a vibrator.  I need the biggest one you have.  The longest shaft and the biggest head."  He replied, "I bet you do, sweetheart!  Why don't you tell me where you are, and I'll come give it to you myself!"  Well..... this one wasn't a prank call.  It was the purchasing agent for a big concrete contractor that was our largest customer in Houston.  They had a big stem wall they were pouring at a job around the corner, and she needed a large concrete vibrator.  Oops.  We almost lost the account because of the incident.  He had to personally write an apology letter to her, and our President had to get involved to smooth things over.  Needless to say the prank calls came to an abrupt halt after that.  

When I was in sales management, I hired a new sales rep in Houston.  Good dude.  Family guy.  We had our reps work for about 6 months before sending them to a two week training in Denver.  They'd work Monday - Saturday, then an off day Sunday to enjoy the town, then another week of training before flying home.  I get a call the Monday after the off day from the trainer in Denver.  Dude was a no-show the training.  Nobody could find him.  Phone was going straight to VM.  Evidently, he and another rep went and found a couple of hookers Saturday night.  He woke up in extreme guilt Sunday morning, and decided to hop on a plane back to Houston to confess to his wife.  He knew he was canned, so he dropped off his truck and computer at the local branch Sunday night.  Lost his job and his wife thanks to that decision. 

When I was in national accounts, we had a huge annual customer event in New Orleans.  Our biggest customers from all over the country came in for a convention plus some activities, etc.  I took some folks out to a nice dinner at K-Pauls, had a few drinks, and was back at the Royal Sonesta by midnight.  The next morning, I got up early to go for a run.  I'm walking into the lobby about 6 AM, and I see one of our key account managers stumbling into the lobby wearing a silver sequin dress.  Which wasn't the same slacks and dress shirt HE was wearing the night before (NTTAWWT).  He was beyond incoherent.  I got him up to his room and called his boss.  We had to take him to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.  He had no clue how or why he ended up in a dress.  Still a mystery to this day.  

Got acquired about a year before I left my company.  We had the first big national kickoff meeting in San Antonio.  First day is normal business stuff.  CEO spoke.  COO spoke.  Senior VP of Sales spoke.  The usual high level stuff.  That night, we had a cocktail hour.  VP of National Accounts gets absolutely shitfaced.  Takes his cronies out to the titter.  Evidently, they rolled in around 4 AM.  The next morning, we have breakfast, and then our national accounts breakout meeting.  VP of National Accounts is first to speak.  Doesn't miss a beat.  I'm sitting towards the back on the aisle.  When he walks by after speaking, he puts his hand on my shoulder, leans in, still with vodka on his breath and says in my ear, "anybody can do it sober" and walks out of the room.

This kind of stuff is so fun when you're in sales.  Not so much when you're in management / operations and have to deal with the repercussions.  

[Don Johnson 4752]

17 minutes ago, Spaulding Smails said:

I'm walking into the lobby about 6 AM, and I see one of our key account managers stumbling into the lobby wearing a silver sequin dress.  Which wasn't the same slacks and dress shirt HE was wearing the night before (NTTAWWT).  He was beyond incoherent.  I got him up to his room and called his boss.  We had to take him to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.  He had no clue how or why he ended up in a dress.  Still a mystery to this day.  

 

[mininghorn88 2277]

1996. Vegas.  A group of us were there for MinExpo.  We were all in our late 20s to early 30s.  We were responsible for getting a loader assembled for the Expo and were out there for about a month.  One of the guys, a real-life prototypical aggy, had a birhtday while we were out there.  He weighed about 150 pounds soaking wet and was totally out of his element being around the equipment since he was fresh out of business school. This was also a time when not everyone had a cell phone.

A buddy and I decide to take him to a club to celebrate his birthday.  The guy gets liquored up and starts to talk trash to everyone around him about their life choices and job opportunities since they did not attend that fine institution in College Station.  My other buddy (UT-Arlington grad) starts to get nervous that someone will take exception to the aggy's comments and some trouble might ensue.  So we usher the guy out and drive him back to the hotel and safely get him to his room.

The next morning we all go to breakfast less the aggy.  No worries as we suspect that he is sleeping it off.  After breakfast another co-worker goes back to his room and there is a message on his hotel room phone.  This guy calls us all to come to his room to listen to the message.  The aggy had left a message on the phone while we were at breakfast.

After we had dropped him off at his room the previous night he got the keys to the other rental car and went back out on his own only to get into a single vehicle fender bender where he had hopped a curb and blew out a tire.  He got arrested for DWI and was in the Clark County Jail.  I only wish that we could have saved the hotel room message.  He was all whiney and crying and pleading for our help to bail him out of jail as he did not want to call anyone else.  We pooled our funds together for him to post bail.  Needless to say that he was on a short leash after that and eventually left the company.

[Davis Lane 5580]

On 6/17/2024 at 8:41 PM, CycleTex87 said:

Pretty good. At our national sales meeting one year, a subset of the guys ended up in a strip joint and ran up a monster tab, and hung it on one particular dude.  That dude was pretty wasted and got mad. A scene ensued and he left the club to go to his truck after his pistol and was headed back in when a couple of the guys tackled him, got the gun and took him to the hotel. 

NTTAWWT

[Felix 607]

Years ago when I first started in IT our help desk was 3 people in a room in the basement of the hospital where I worked.  Two of them had their desks back to back so they were facing each other.  The one was the team lead and she's still a friend of mine.  Really great person.  The other was a big black dude who is also still a friend, who played football and basketball at Copperas Cove and had both Hal Mumme and Billy Gillespie as his coaches.  Anyway one day he switched the connections so his keyboard was attached to her computer.  She gets a call and starts typing away and he's over there just typing gibberish very quietly.  I happen to walk in about 2 minutes in while she's saying things like "what is wrong with my keyboard" etc.  She's starting to get really annoyed and he starts typing stuff like "stop touching me" and "why won't you leave me alone?" and she's starting to freak out a little.  Finally he can't stand it anymore and starts laughing and she realizes what's going on.  Very professionally she asks the customer to hold while she restarts her PC and then she calls him an asshole and we all, including her, start laughing like 10 year olds.  It was a good 5 minutes before she could get back on that call.

Once she got off the call she tells us she was genuinely concerned that her PC was possessed or something.  I still laugh thinking about it.

[capnamerca 571]

19 minutes ago, Felix said:

Years ago when I first started in IT our help desk was 3 people in a room in the basement of the hospital where I worked.  Two of them had their desks back to back so they were facing each other.  The one was the team lead and she's still a friend of mine.  Really great person.  The other was a big black dude who is also still a friend, who played football and basketball at Copperas Cove and had both Hal Mumme and Billy Gillespie as his coaches.  Anyway one day he switched the connections so his keyboard was attached to her computer.  She gets a call and starts typing away and he's over there just typing gibberish very quietly.  I happen to walk in about 2 minutes in while she's saying things like "what is wrong with my keyboard" etc.  She's starting to get really annoyed and he starts typing stuff like "stop touching me" and "why won't you leave me alone?" and she's starting to freak out a little.  Finally he can't stand it anymore and starts laughing and she realizes what's going on.  Very professionally she asks the customer to hold while she restarts her PC and then she calls him an asshole and we all, including her, start laughing like 10 year olds.  It was a good 5 minutes before she could get back on that call.

Once she got off the call she tells us she was genuinely concerned that her PC was possessed or something.  I still laugh thinking about it.

In a sea full of sales idiots getting drunk at conferences stories (I am one of those), this is a DELIGHT to read. A+, 5/5, no notes, hope to duplicate some day.

[AUS-97HORN 11757]

42 minutes ago, Felix said:

Once she got off the call she tells us she was genuinely concerned that her PC was possessed or something.  I still laugh thinking about it.

This just reminded me of a similar incident back in 1998.

we were an inbound sales call center set up in such a way that the 2 managers of a "Pod"  (think 40 cubicles in a large rectangle) sat in the middle of.  1 manager was a retired US Army Major with about as much personal computer experience as a 1st grader (again back in 1998, not now where everyone has a computer).

90% of the sales team had either just graduated college or just entered the workforce after some college... the oldest of us was maybe 25, youngest was 18.

well as is the case, Smokey,the 18 year old was a hell of a computer guru, as long as he didnt fuck up something fierce this kid was going to be worth millions from his computer know-how... but right now hes still 18, its his first real job, hes a computer genius loaner and stuck being a sales rep and lets just say the personality conflict between him and the Major was akin to oil and water.

 

so despite us working for a computer company, their inter-office email/ communication and security settings... were lax

Smokey got bored waiting for new calls and quickly navigated the lax network security to find all kinds of cool shit that he told the rest of the sale team all about... new products coming out... and GOLD (for the sales team anyway) when the next SPIF's (and what they were going to be and the payouts) were coming... knowing this ahead of time allowed us to sandbag qualifying orders up to a week ahead of time-because back then it took 2-3 MONTHS for a new custom built computer to ship and an extra week wait wasnt uncommon.

so we loved him for that.  easily made each of us $100-$500 extra each spif.   

 

Well Smokey discovered how to force a password hack pretty easily and he targeted his nemesis the Major, logged into the Major's computer from the network, changed his language to Pig Latin, and changed his keyboard to either an accountants keyboard or something similar.  anyway the Major is typing emails and whatever the fuck he typed came out bonkers on his monitor.

keystrokes arent matching, words while SORT of being readable are in no way what Major has written and the Major starts to get verbally upset. 

 

same shit as your story... WTF is wrong with this POS?? why cant this work!!!!  but everytime he brought over another manager or one of the roaming IT guys, Smokey just 1 clicked it back to normal... and the Major looks like an idiot to IT who told him he must have clicked a button.

this went on for almost 2 days, the Major is losing his shit, all of us in the know (Smokey didnt tell us but we figured it out pretty quick) are doing everything to keep from flat out laughing our ass off to give it away, until finally the Major has an epiphany when for like the 10th time the IT guy checks it and notices that it says the system is controlled by "random computer #"

Major immediately screams SMOKEY!!!!!! who pod gophers his head up... knows hes been caught and they go to a room where hes read the riot act.

[AUS-97HORN 11757]

2nd post because its not funny, but still related totally to the previous post.

 

either the Major didnt report the network "hack" or the IT guys didnt really give a shit because it wasnt super important info or really an issue to hack the managers computer.

So the security vulnerability is still there.

 

Anyway, since Smokey realized he couldnt do the keyboard hack anymore, every so often, he did the classic- "screenshot their homescreen, set that as the background pic, and extended the desktop to hide all the icons in the hidden portion" trick.  

again Major manager FURIOUSLY pounding his mouse on the icon button and it doesnt work... unplugs, replugs in his mouse and Smokey resets it back to normal, goes on for a while until SMOKEY!!!!!!! is said again.

 

but finally Smokey's hacks got real, real info, that should have never been in a managers inbox... the list of 150 or so "targeted reps" whose sales numbers sucked and the senior managers absolutely wanted fired by the NEXT SCHEDULED LAYOFF... yeah.. thats right.... fucking company had scheduled layoffs every 3 months or so and of the 1,000 or so sales reps, they wanted 150 gone.  

Smokey was, of course, one of those on the list. and had decided sales wasnt the life for him.  so unbeknownst to all of us, he forwarded the entire email chain complete with pages of the seniors managers absolutely railing on all the "bad" reps to Smokey's newly-made hotmail account. 

 

then in a day or two, Smokey in his spare time, cleaned up all the identifying code in the email, clearing his info.   Also in his unauthorized networking travels, Smokey had found the COMPANY-wide master email list (that back then wasnt outside email blocked). 

Smokey anonymously forwards this fantastic email chain of all the managers talking mad shit about the floor reps and the coming mass layoff to the entire company from his random hotmail account  about 1 week before the layoffs are set to happen and he sets it to arrive in the middle of the afternoon.

So this absolutely official looking email that is coming from the company official send account to every employee and its complete with all the corporate cubicle intrigue you can image.....  

 

takes like 60 mins for the IT team to scrub the email from the  servers, but damage is done, its been forwarded to folks outside of the company and then the next morning we all get a "that was clearly a joke email everyone, CLEARLY we would never want to fire anyone next week, ignore that email, its fake and we will find out who sent it"

 

Smokey (whose semi-hacking skills had become semi-legendary) is obviously the only person in the whole company with the skills to do this without the proper credentials.... so at some point hes walked for other things and we dont have the layoffs on the day listed on the email.... they happen about 2 weeks later, and 90% of the laid off folks were the ones whose names were on the list.....

 

 

final sad post script on Smokey- he started his own mail order build a computer company shortly after, in a year hes driving a dodge Viper around town and 10 months later the feds arrest him for mail fraud... because the dude was taking the money to make a computer... then just pocketing it instead. 

Got 30+ years in the federal pen for several thousand counts of mail fraud... fucking genius life thrown away

[NeverMarryAStripper 21874]

1 hour ago, capnamerca said:

In a sea full of sales idiots getting drunk at conferences stories (I am one of those), this is a DELIGHT to read. A+, 5/5, no notes, hope to duplicate some day.

OK, that was funny.  People getting drunk and ruining their life not so much (depending on who it is I guess)

[gofuckyourself 8205]

1 hour ago, Felix said:

Years ago when I first started in IT our help desk was 3 people in a room in the basement of the hospital where I worked.  Two of them had their desks back to back so they were facing each other.  The one was the team lead and she's still a friend of mine.  Really great person.  The other was a big black dude who is also still a friend, who played football and basketball at Copperas Cove and had both Hal Mumme and Billy Gillespie as his coaches.  Anyway one day he switched the connections so his keyboard was attached to her computer.  She gets a call and starts typing away and he's over there just typing gibberish very quietly.  I happen to walk in about 2 minutes in while she's saying things like "what is wrong with my keyboard" etc.  She's starting to get really annoyed and he starts typing stuff like "stop touching me" and "why won't you leave me alone?" and she's starting to freak out a little.  Finally he can't stand it anymore and starts laughing and she realizes what's going on.  Very professionally she asks the customer to hold while she restarts her PC and then she calls him an asshole and we all, including her, start laughing like 10 year olds.  It was a good 5 minutes before she could get back on that call.

Once she got off the call she tells us she was genuinely concerned that her PC was possessed or something.  I still laugh thinking about it.

I pulled that prank in 7th grade computer science class and all I got was on-campus suspension. Mr. Harken was a humorless asshole.

[Dilligas 666]

Mid 80s civil engineering firm in Dallas. Had an old digital watch with a timer. Hid it in a coworker’s office and it beeped when timer went off, about drove that guy crazy. Also hid pieces of fish/chicken in someones office and it obviously started reeking, we were children 😂

[Superhero 8827]

On 6/18/2024 at 8:42 AM, Mother mopar said:

AF story, our unit was TDY to Nellis AFB (Vegas), and after 2nd shift, we always went out. As always, someone gets just housed! So we grabbed the dude, put him in his room, put him in bed, and I was getting ready to walk out. Buddy says, "Hold on, BRB...goes to his room grabs a beef broulin cube, I'm like WTH. He unscrews shower head and puts a beef brouliin cub behind it. The next day, dude, comes in for work smelling like straight beef stew in the truck riding launch. Shit was a riot!

Next day, I'm like, where the hell did you learn that? He said someone did it him. Good times!
 

Bouillon

[Mother mopar 3318]

Bouillon

People got the point

[AUS-97HORN 11757]

18 hours ago, Superhero said:

Bouillon

 

46 minutes ago, Mother mopar said:

18 hours ago, Superhero said:

 

People got the point

[Don Johnson 4752]

Used to work with an Aggy. 

One time, he took his class ring off to wash his hands and left it on the bathroom counter.  Coworker took the ring and kept it for like 3 weeks.  Every three days or so, he'd put a letter from the ring on Aggy's desk, usually accompanied by a photo.

First was a Dear John breakup letter - its not you, its me.  Another was "just letting you know I've made new friends" and a photo of the ring with rings from other schools.  Another was the ring at the beach, enjoying a pina colada.  And so on and so on.

Aggy went around asking all the secretaries for everyone's schedule, trying to find out who had been to the beach recently.  Finally, the pussy went to the boss and told him what happened and everyone in the office got an e-mail asking for the prankster to return the ring, which he did anonymously.  

Edited June 21 by Don Johnson

[BonzoMontreaux 1038]

I was always fond of the simple but elegant - scotch tape over the mouse ball.  

[Sandman 3403]

Working at the county jail years ago, sometimes you'd get assigned to the medical clinic, which was super cush. Some of the guys would get bored and the best prank was when you'd wait till the officer on watch would step out for a minute, then put Vaseline on the pod office phone receiver and sneak into the nurse's station. Once the officer got back at the desk, you give him a call and wait. "13B, this is Watson---FUCK!!!!". I always looked at the phone when I picked it up, in case some dirty-eared fucker had been using it, so I never got hit.

[Superhero 8827]

2 hours ago, BonzoMontreaux said:

I was always fond of the simple but elegant - scotch tape over the mouse ball.  

Modern update: Scotch tape over the optical sensor; blacken the tape using a sharpie.

[butthurt 1522]

 

 

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

One of my early jobs was at a company that made the big metal light poles you see by highways.  A new welder was hired on just out of high school.  He was a good guy, but not the sharpest you ever saw.  One night we were sweeping up the shop, and he broke the wooden handle on his broom.  One of the old-timers convinced him that he would be fired if he didn't fix that broom.  He asked how he was supposed to fix it, and the old guy said, "Weld it back together.  You're a welder, ain't you?"  The kid, of course, questioned how one would weld wood.  "With a wood rod, dummy!"  So the kid went all over the shop trying to find a wood rod.  He finally asked the crusty old asshole in the tool crib for a wood rod and got a 10 minute lecture on electricity, conductors, insulators, and how they pertain to welding.

A few weeks later, the kid laid down inside one of the poles and fell asleep during first break.  After break, when he didn't show up at his station, we were afraid something had happened to him and searched the entire shop for him.  One of the other welders found him and, when he was hard to wake, welded scrap strips over both ends of the pole such that the kid couldn't get out.  The kid just slept through it all.  When supper break came about two hours later, he was still asleep in the pole, so a couple of the welders grabbed some scrap strips and started beating on the sides of the pole.  That pole rang like a bell and, of course, woke the kid up.  He had a headache and was deaf as a post the rest of the shift.  But he didn't take a nap in a pole again.

Edited June 22 by Scheiss Meister

[SurlyBDR 22770]

19 hours ago, BonzoMontreaux said:

I was always fond of the simple but elegant - scotch tape over the mouse ball.  

There's beauty in simplicity. I used to tape the button down on the phone of one of our old timers so when he'd pick up the handset to answer a call, it was just dead. Someone else picked up the call and placed them on hold, and I eventually had to show him what was wrong so he could continue working. 

[InkaUtexas 25863]

Team mate went on leave. We had a ton of beer in our place in Helmand. Over 600 cases.

So decide when he is gone to build a wall of beer around his bed. Gets back (30 hour trip) and has to take apart a wall of beer to climb into his bed.

Fun times.

[UpperWestside 6161]

I have said on here that I work as a server. Love the job and most of the people I work with. There are a few exceptions and one is this Irish guy named Curtis. I try to avoid conversations with him and partly it’s because I can’t understand anything he’s saying and also because he says some highly questionable things about people in general. I ask another server how he deals with him and he said “Oh it’s simple. When he tries to talk to me I just make up a crazy story and he doesn’t know what to say so he just walks away.” I make a mental note and decide to try this out sometime soon.
 

So about three weeks ago I see Curtis talking to my friend and I hear him say “You know I had a table yesterday that was really tired from walking around the city. So I said well take your shoes off and I’ll give you a foot massage.” Curtis seems bewildered hearing this. He continues on and says “They were so happy I did that that they left me a 100. You should try it Curtis” I decide to go ahead and ad lib with him. I said “Alex I’m so glad you took my advice and did that! I told you it would work because I have done it too.”

Now Curtis seems to have no clue what is happening there so he attempts to tell a story about how he gets people to buy shots when he is serving them. On the fly I make up a story. One thing I am good at is deadpanning a story, especially one I am making up as I go along. @BearSchlong will probably kill me for this one, but I said “You know a few months ago I had four guys come in and I asked them what brought them here. They said they were here to celebrate one of them being sober for seven years. I said what better way to celebrate than to have a drink after all these years! I said the guys all got drunk and the now freshly not sober guy showed me his Instagram and I followed him. A week later, I said in a dim voice, he posted a caption on there stating that he would be away from social media for a good long while because he relapsed on his drinking and was headed to rehab. Again Curtis did not know what to say and right before he left two women I work with look at me and say “Oh my God did you feel bad that you gave him alcohol?” Alex knows this is all completely farcical and made up, but Curtis doesn’t and neither do they. Only Alex knows I haven’t drank in 4.5 years and don’t even bother recommending alcohol to guests even though I am supposed to. I deadpan that he was a grown man and it was his choice to drink.” With that I walk away and Curtis is just left there with, thankfully, nothing to say. Alex had to walk away from laughing at me. An hour later, I see the two women again and walk up and tell them that none of that story was true. It was just to get Curtis to leave us alone. They were both relieved because they thought that was really out of character that I would do that because I always seem so happy and am nice to everyone. 
 

This story by the next day has made its way to two of the managers. I was perhaps expecting a response of disapproval, but instead both were laughing and could not believe I could deadpan a story made up on the spot like that. One of them said it was the funniest thing they heard a server do in all the years they have worked in restaurants.

Edited June 23 by UpperWestside

[Mittens 8258]

2 hours ago, UpperWestside said:

I have said on here that I work as a server.

There are unlimited opportunities to fuck with co-workers in a restaurant.  My two favorites:

For anyone, silly, harmless:  There are always a dozen drinks around that people are sipping on when they are out of sight from the customers, and 99% of the time, there's a straw in that drink.  Fun fact - just about everything will sink to the bottom of a soft drink.  Pepper, tobasco, salt, ketchup.  Dump your favorite additive in and wait for that straw to deliver it to your victim. 

For the dickhead who refuses to pre-bus their table, kinda dickish:  Put a plate in the microwave for a couple of minutes and drop it on the dirty table as soon as the customers leave.  Good chance that ends up w/ a dropped plate and all eyes on the mark.

[UpperWestside 6161]

18 minutes ago, Mittens said:

There are unlimited opportunities to fuck with co-workers in a restaurant.  My two favorites:

For anyone, silly, harmless:  There are always a dozen drinks around that people are sipping on when they are out of sight from the customers, and 99% of the time, there's a straw in that drink.  Fun fact - just about everything will sink to the bottom of a soft drink.  Pepper, tobasco, salt, ketchup.  Dump your favorite additive in and wait for that straw to deliver it to your victim. 

For the dickhead who refuses to pre-bus their table, kinda dickish:  Put a plate in the microwave for a couple of minutes and drop it on the dirty table as soon as the customers leave.  Good chance that ends up w/ a dropped plate and all eyes on the mark.

Oh the opportunities are almost limitless! One of the best jobs to pull pranks on co-workers. If this was about 7 or 8 years ago I would be doing these things. Now I take FAFO stance and I take care of what I can and help those that I can and the rest who want to just hangout and do nothing will eventually be let go. There are several people who deserve hot sauce in their Coke though. 

[Armybrat 40822]

On 6/19/2024 at 9:09 AM, Macanudo said:

See, that's funny.

 

No, it’s just in bad taste.

[CoTex 1160]

I worked at one of those jet ski rental places where tourists come and rent a jet ski for a half-hour.  One of us workers had to sit out on a "chase boat" all day, roasting in the sun, with a clipboard, while the others would rent jet skis, safety tips, put on the lifejacket, stay 100 yards apart, etc.  Then, lead the tourists out to the operating area, on a jet-ski, check on chase boat operator, and ride back in.  Clipboard guy has a whistle and he gives you the signal when your 30 is up.

So, we figured out that we could sit out there on the chase boat all day, in the sun, and drink beer.  Only real rule is nobody can see the beer and you can't come back in with a boat full of empties.

So, we figured out that if you tear a beer can - twist it until it tears open, it will sink and be gone to the depths, forever.

Routine then was, one person sits in chase boat, one person rides jet ski back and forth guiding the tourists to the operating area and that person would stop off at chase boat and "check on chase boat" which meant drink a beer with chase operator.  Rotate every few hours - "chase needs to take a leak, I'm going to sit out here for a while."  We would drink about 12 beers each, per day, at work.  Seriously, put down a 12-pack, on the clock.   Lukewarm coors light bud light or Red Dog.

Nobody was the wiser until my friend, trying to tear a beer can and sink it, cut the fuck out of his hand and needed stitches.  Our story didn't hold up, we smelled like beer (but in my mind my tolerance was so high I was not visibly drunk).  Then all our coworkers ratted us out - "those fuckers have been doing this all summer."

Terminated, not eligible for rehire.

CS - wherever you are these days - I really enjoyed drinking at work with you, and I hope you are well.

[BearSchlong 8083]

@upperwestside I ain't mad, that was kinda funny.

[LebongJames 1791]

6 hours ago, CoTex said:

I worked at one of those jet ski rental places where tourists come and rent a jet ski for a half-hour.  One of us workers had to sit out on a "chase boat" all day, roasting in the sun, with a clipboard, while the others would rent jet skis, safety tips, put on the lifejacket, stay 100 yards apart, etc.  Then, lead the tourists out to the operating area, on a jet-ski, check on chase boat operator, and ride back in.  Clipboard guy has a whistle and he gives you the signal when your 30 is up.

So, we figured out that we could sit out there on the chase boat all day, in the sun, and drink beer.  Only real rule is nobody can see the beer and you can't come back in with a boat full of empties.

So, we figured out that if you tear a beer can - twist it until it tears open, it will sink and be gone to the depths, forever.

Routine then was, one person sits in chase boat, one person rides jet ski back and forth guiding the tourists to the operating area and that person would stop off at chase boat and "check on chase boat" which meant drink a beer with chase operator.  Rotate every few hours - "chase needs to take a leak, I'm going to sit out here for a while."  We would drink about 12 beers each, per day, at work.  Seriously, put down a 12-pack, on the clock.   Lukewarm coors light bud light or Red Dog.

Nobody was the wiser until my friend, trying to tear a beer can and sink it, cut the fuck out of his hand and needed stitches.  Our story didn't hold up, we smelled like beer (but in my mind my tolerance was so high I was not visibly drunk).  Then all our coworkers ratted us out - "those fuckers have been doing this all summer."

Terminated, not eligible for rehire.

CS - wherever you are these days - I really enjoyed drinking at work with you, and I hope you are well.

Why would you just not fill the can up through the normal drinking area? They sink the same. Maybe it was the 12 beers a day.

[LebongJames 1791]

We had a VP of sales get pretty wasted at a customer event and go back to her room with a bottle of wine. It was a very nice hotel, our company owned the hotel but a different division. The suites had really nice bathrooms with huge tubs. She decides to start a bath but passes out while it was filling up. She was woken up by our Division President and house keeping letting her know she flooded the room beneath her. She was sent home and let go. She was a cunt so it couldn’t have happened to a better person.

[CoTex 1160]

10 minutes ago, LebongJames said:

Why would you just not fill the can up through the normal drinking area? They sink the same. Maybe it was the 12 beers a day.

I guess we were just stupid.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21874]

8 hours ago, CoTex said:

I worked at one of those jet ski rental places where tourists come and rent a jet ski for a half-hour.  One of us workers had to sit out on a "chase boat" all day, roasting in the sun, with a clipboard, while the others would rent jet skis, safety tips, put on the lifejacket, stay 100 yards apart, etc.  Then, lead the tourists out to the operating area, on a jet-ski, check on chase boat operator, and ride back in.  Clipboard guy has a whistle and he gives you the signal when your 30 is up.

So, we figured out that we could sit out there on the chase boat all day, in the sun, and drink beer.  Only real rule is nobody can see the beer and you can't come back in with a boat full of empties.

So, we figured out that if you tear a beer can - twist it until it tears open, it will sink and be gone to the depths, forever.

Routine then was, one person sits in chase boat, one person rides jet ski back and forth guiding the tourists to the operating area and that person would stop off at chase boat and "check on chase boat" which meant drink a beer with chase operator.  Rotate every few hours - "chase needs to take a leak, I'm going to sit out here for a while."  We would drink about 12 beers each, per day, at work.  Seriously, put down a 12-pack, on the clock.   Lukewarm coors light bud light or Red Dog.

Nobody was the wiser until my friend, trying to tear a beer can and sink it, cut the fuck out of his hand and needed stitches.  Our story didn't hold up, we smelled like beer (but in my mind my tolerance was so high I was not visibly drunk).  Then all our coworkers ratted us out - "those fuckers have been doing this all summer."

Terminated, not eligible for rehire.

CS - wherever you are these days - I really enjoyed drinking at work with you, and I hope you are well.

The Earth and its marine life thank you for your dangerous trash

[CoTex 1160]

23 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

The Earth and its marine life thank you for your dangerous trash

You’re welcome.

[msucolt45 4056]

As a young drug rep during the early 2000’s, after eating dinner in New Orleans, my team went to some bars and etc. After midnight, most of the team started slipping off and each would tell me, the new guy, that the Boss was your responsibility to get back to the hotel.

Around 2-3 in the AM my boss asks me if I’ve ever had beignets from Jackson Square? That was a good six blocks from our hotel. I’ll never forget watching him down those delicious morsels, with powdered sugar covering his shirt.

We made it back to our hotel around 3-4 AM. Our morning meeting started around 7:45, with breakfast in our meeting room. My manager/boss was bright eyed like nothing ever happened! The rest of the team just laughed at me during breaks, as I broke the “newbie” status getting the boss back in.

Hook’em!!!

[Zwylde 812]

On 6/18/2024 at 9:59 AM, idigTexas said:

This whole thread.

                          Tua?

Edited June 24 by Zwylde