Official Bitch about your Family Thread 2024: Holiday Edition

[usmc0331horn 951]

I assume this thing is going to be epic being an election year so let's get it started. We're going to Kansas City to celebrate my dad's 80th a little early and I think it'll actually be pretty great.  Much of my family are Republicans but they've been pretty okay with keeping their mouths shut about politics of late. My loud mouth sister will be there who is absolute nuts and MAGA so it could be interesting. My wife and I are staying in a hotel all week so we can at least escape when/if we need to. It's also my first major holiday sober so wish me luck in keeping it that way. Let's hear it.

[Parliament 14154]

I have been warned that our mother has been fully-indoctrinated in MAGA.  Guess she got it from her church.  All us kids are keeping eachother to account and reminding eachother not to accidentally bring up politics.

[Marfa Low Crown 2545]

This is one of my most anticipated threads of the year. 

[Longboard Horn 40198]

Well since it's that time of year again... 

It's that time of year again for a classic favorite Xmas tale.

For your entertainment, I copied from a previous Holiday board - 

ORIGINALLY POSTED by WIDE-E-WIDE Dec 2006

Its been 18 years, but damn its still funny.

 

After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week.

My wife told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it.

This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My wife, her parents, our 4 kids and I all went. Now I wasn’t a math major but that's $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of)

So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa- All that shit. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all going to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay den let’s get our roll on!”  

My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see shit but a blurry-ass Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My father-in-law asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear “$48 for this shit?”  She gives me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”

We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of shit overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the wife again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”
Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we just getting our roll on...and then it happened.

Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest daughter says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from our house (approx. 1/2 mile)
I lean over to the wife again “This bitch better not turn right at this light!”
What does the driver do????? That’s right folks, fucking turns right and heads right to our neighborhood. Not only our neighborhood “BUT OUR FUCKING STREET!!

I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr- look at the Santa up on the roof kids.” I know bitch “I'M THE ONE THAT FUCKING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK"

I can’t type this anymore it's just too painful. The point is, we spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in our own damn neighborhood. My wife just hung her head in shame. I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.

[txduck87 985]

It’s not the official holiday season until this thread begins each year.

[SurlyGator 862]

A tradition unlike any other...

[tigol 2385]

I assume this thing is going to be epic being an election year so let's get it started. We're going to Kansas City to celebrate my dad's 80th a little early and I think it'll actually be pretty great.  Much of my family are Republicans but they've been pretty okay with keeping their mouths shut about politics of late. My loud mouth sister will be there who is absolute nuts and MAGA so it could be interesting. My wife and I are staying in a hotel all week so we can at least escape when/if we need to. It's also my first major holiday sober so wish me luck in keeping it that way. Let's hear it.

Been there for the first sober holiday last year. It was illuminating. Uncle got so hammered he couldn’t get his ass off of the floor. I didn’t give a shit.

You will notice a lot of drunk people. You likely won’t give a shit.

They may notice and say something about you not drinking. Don’t give a shit about that shit.

Merry Christmas!

[DigglerontheHoof 21096]

I can't believe that W-E-W story is damn near 20 years old. 

[tx 3 putt 76579]

i’m invited to 5 different thanksgivings, all family events, all people i want to see

tough decisions 

Edited November 4 by tx 3 putt

[GhostOfTomJoad 9320]

I asked my wife if we have any Thanksgiving obligations this year and she replied "no. Should I text mom and ask?"

She held a straight face for a good 5 seconds before bursting out with laughter.

So far we're in the clear, but I'd give it 50/50 we end up spending a night in Kerrville over that weekend. I know this thread will deliver over the next 8 weeks.

[MissingInAction 24868]

I'm not going anywhere or doing shit.

[Parliament 14154]

23 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

I'm not going anywhere or doing shit.

You’re gonna be a shitty thread contributor with an attitude like that, Mister.

[MissingInAction 24868]

1 hour ago, Parliament said:

You’re gonna be a shitty thread contributor with an attitude like that, Mister.

Hey id be happy to be a guest at a family shit show to observe as a neutral third party. Kind of like Jane Goodall with more booze.

[freyguy 4252]

8 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

Well since it's that time of year again... 

It's that time of year again for a classic favorite Xmas tale.

For your entertainment, I copied from a previous Holiday board - 

ORIGINALLY POSTED by WIDE-E-WIDE Dec 2006

Its been 18 years, but damn its still funny.

 

After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week.

My wife told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it.

This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My wife, her parents, our 4 kids and I all went. Now I wasn’t a math major but that's $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of)

So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa- All that shit. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all going to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay den let’s get our roll on!”  

My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see shit but a blurry-ass Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My father-in-law asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear “$48 for this shit?”  She gives me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”

We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of shit overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the wife again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”
Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we just getting our roll on...and then it happened.

Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest daughter says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from our house (approx. 1/2 mile)
I lean over to the wife again “This bitch better not turn right at this light!”
What does the driver do????? That’s right folks, fucking turns right and heads right to our neighborhood. Not only our neighborhood “BUT OUR FUCKING STREET!!

I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr- look at the Santa up on the roof kids.” I know bitch “I'M THE ONE THAT FUCKING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK"

I can’t type this anymore it's just too painful. The point is, we spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in our own damn neighborhood. My wife just hung her head in shame. I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.

[Wilcox Cummingtonite 2915]

8 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

Well since it's that time of year again... 

It's that time of year again for a classic favorite Xmas tale.

For your entertainment, I copied from a previous Holiday board - 

ORIGINALLY POSTED by WIDE-E-WIDE Dec 2006

Its been 18 years, but damn its still funny.

 

After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week.

My wife told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it.

This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My wife, her parents, our 4 kids and I all went. Now I wasn’t a math major but that's $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of)

So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa- All that shit. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all going to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay den let’s get our roll on!”  

My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see shit but a blurry-ass Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My father-in-law asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear “$48 for this shit?”  She gives me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”

We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of shit overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the wife again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”
Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we just getting our roll on...and then it happened.

Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest daughter says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from our house (approx. 1/2 mile)
I lean over to the wife again “This bitch better not turn right at this light!”
What does the driver do????? That’s right folks, fucking turns right and heads right to our neighborhood. Not only our neighborhood “BUT OUR FUCKING STREET!!

I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr- look at the Santa up on the roof kids.” I know bitch “I'M THE ONE THAT FUCKING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK"

I can’t type this anymore it's just too painful. The point is, we spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in our own damn neighborhood. My wife just hung her head in shame. I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.

This and cell phone flop out are hall of fame classics. 

[Iceman 2667]

People get shot in my thread winners. FTR, that couple ended up getting married and their first child will soon be born.  Sometimes life says ‘Fuck the circumstances.’

I’m doubling down with East Coast trips on both Thanksgiving and Christmas.  My son’s in-laws are a wonderful family. There’d be exponentially more potential for powderkeg behavior on my side of the family. 
Not happening this year. 

Edited November 4 by Iceman

[Longboard Horn 40198]

It's a holiday season on an election year. This thread will definitely pick up steam over the next 2 months. Let's get ready to rumble!

[52-80 19128]

16 hours ago, tx 3 putt said:

i’m invited to 5 different thanksgivings, all family events, all people i want to see

tough decisions 

enjoying the company of ones family:

 

[MissingInAction 24868]

Friend invited me to her BIL and sisters Thanksgiving.

Been to one before and they are fucking weird.

Every wall and every surface is literally covered with group family pics. It's like a horror movie when the camera takes a first person shot from a spider. 

That and there's is only one fucking small towell in the bathroom to dry your hands.

There's always at least fifty people there, so it gets disgusting fast.

Ok. I'm back in. Let's get our roll on.

[BurntEyes 5863]

29 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

Friend invited me to her BIL and sisters Thanksgiving.

Been to one before and they are fucking weird.

Every wall and every surface is literally covered with group family pics. It's like a horror movie when the camera takes a first person shot from a spider. 

That and there's is only one fucking small towell in the bathroom to dry your hands.

There's always at least fifty people there, so it gets disgusting fast.

Ok. I'm back in. Let's get our roll on.

We knew we could count on you! 

My family decided to do Thanksgiving at Eddie Vs. The crowd includes one always overly intoxicated woman, this year includes a couple of people I don't know, at all. I have no idea wtf is going to happen, but I'm sure it will disturb the otherwise normal patrons of the Eddie Vs. 

Let's fucking go.

[MissingInAction 24868]

2 minutes ago, BurntEyes said:

We knew we could count on you! 

My family decided to do Thanksgiving at Eddie Vs. The crowd includes one always overly intoxicated woman, this year includes a couple of people I don't know, at all. I have no idea wtf is going to happen, but I'm sure it will disturb the otherwise normal patrons of the Eddie Vs. 

Let's fucking go.

Their Chilean Bass is excellent when in season. Not sure what they'll have this time of year.

[BurntEyes 5863]

5 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

Their Chilean Bass is excellent when in season. Not sure what they'll have this time of year.

Are you hoping I take a stroll down by Town Lake after Thanksgiving?!?! Look man, we're going to the one in Dallas and I'm not heading to Austin nor Rainey Street afterwards. The death wish has been noted, however.

[Armybrat 40759]

8 minutes ago, BurntEyes said:

We knew we could count on you! 

My family decided to do Thanksgiving at Eddie Vs. The crowd includes one always overly intoxicated woman, this year includes a couple of people I don't know, at all. I have no idea wtf is going to happen, but I'm sure it will disturb the otherwise normal patrons of the Eddie Vs. 

Let's fucking go.

My son is buying all of our Thanksgiving dinner from EV’s except for desserts. 
Granddaughter & Mrs. Brat will do those. 
We set it all up buffet style in our dining room.

 There will be 10 family members, plus two guests from England & Canada. Eh wot.

[MissingInAction 24868]

[BurntEyes 5863]

@ArmybratGonna need you to make up some old timey fictional bullshit about how non-US folks have to sit at a children's table during Thanksgiving. 

[Parliament 14154]

Or eat in the kitchen.

[Armybrat 40759]

Dining room table only seats 8 comfortably when fully extended, so 4 of us (including me) will sit at the breakfast table. 
The furriners will sit at the dining table. Less noise for me.

[burntorangebongos 10710]

2 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

Friend invited me to her BIL and sisters Thanksgiving.

Been to one before and they are fucking weird.

Every wall and every surface is literally covered with group family pics. It's like a horror movie when the camera takes a first person shot from a spider. 

That and there's is only one fucking small towell in the bathroom to dry your hands.

There's always at least fifty people there, so it gets disgusting fast.

Ok. I'm back in. Let's get our roll on.

Take pics of the family photos, there might be a mullet/skullet worth using as an avatar.

[burntorangebongos 10710]

34 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Dining room table only seats 8 comfortably when fully extended, so 4 of us (including me) will sit at the breakfast table. 
The furriners will sit at the dining table. Less noise for me.

break out your hand guns at the little table and scare the foreigns. Haha

[Armybrat 40759]

1 hour ago, burntorangebongos said:

break out your hand guns at the little table and scare the foreigns. Haha

 

[Kennythetiger 9356]

On 11/4/2024 at 1:01 PM, tx 3 putt said:

i’m invited to 5 different thanksgivings, all family events, all people i want to see

tough decisions 

One year I was unable to go to my parents’ house for Christmas. Three different friends and their wives invited me to their respective Christmas dinners, and I’ll be goddamned if they all three weren’t at different times. I wore my stretchy pants. One of my favorite Christmases ever. 

[After irth 1243]

Relocated from Lufkin to downtown Dallas this year.  My 86 year old father relocated from Lufkin back to Central Texas.  In-laws in Jacksonville with two BILs in Houston.  

We have already issued notice that we will not be available for the holidays.  All of them.  Not traveling.  No big trip or anything.  Just staying home, goofing off, enjoying the freedom from drama.  We need a break from too many recent years of family fuckery.

We'll send nice gifts, though.  

That's my story.  Stickin' to it.  

[4th&Five 41478]

My brother has been in a relationship with a woman for 15+ years that he has kept a secret from all of his friends and family. In February he decided to tell my mom about her but hasn’t addressed it with anyone else…he just showed up at my wife’s birthday lunch with her. Very strange and very awkward so the holidays should be pretty weird. Does she bring her kids and her grandkid to my parent’s house? We’ll see!

[BurntEyes 5863]

2 minutes ago, 4th&Five said:

My brother has been in a relationship with a woman for 15+ years that he has kept a secret from all of his friends and family. In February he decided to tell my mom about her but hasn’t addressed it with anyone else…he just showed up at my wife’s birthday lunch with her. Very strange and very awkward so the holidays should be pretty weird. Does she bring her kids and her grandkid to my parent’s house? We’ll see!

So much to unpack, so many questions, so many great possibilities... you sir may just be leading the pack currently. I suspect MIA and his pics will be a tough ranking to match... but I have faith in you. Do God's work.

[MissingInAction 24868]

Im not posting pics of the weirdness.

These people are my chosen family. Known her since grade school, grew up together, partied all the time until she fucked it all up getting married and spawning some kids.

However I will post a pic of the towel of despair.

[txduck87 985]

Im not posting pics of the weirdness.
These people are my chosen family. Known her since grade school, grew up together, partied all the time until she fucked it all up getting married and spawning some kids.
However I will post a pic of the towel of despair.

[Kennythetiger 9356]

43 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

Im not posting pics of the weirdness.

These people are my chosen family. Known her since grade school, grew up together, partied all the time until she fucked it all up getting married and spawning some kids.

However I will post a pic of the towel of despair.

We’ve been internet friends all these years and I never had you as a guy who washed his hands after using the restroom. I’ll be damned. 

[Longboard Horn 40198]

18 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

Are you hoping I take a stroll down by Town Lake after Thanksgiving?!?! Look man, we're going to the one in Dallas and I'm not heading to Austin nor Rainey Street afterwards. The death wish has been noted, however.

The one in Dallas is permanently closed. Unless you're going to either the Plano or Fort Worth location, no Thanksgiving meal for you!

[nnm 36209]

16 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

Im not posting pics of the weirdness.

These people are my chosen family. Known her since grade school, grew up together, partied all the time until she fucked it all up getting married and spawning some kids.

However I will post a pic of the towel of despair.

Don't say anything.  Just drop a box of these next to the bathroom sink:

https://www.amazon.com/Kleenex-Towels-Disposable-Paper-Count/dp/B00BFUSDO4?th=1

For bonus points, install this when no one's looking:  https://a.co/d/7y7cocx

[G650 14143]

On 11/3/2024 at 8:12 PM, Marfa Low Crown said:

This is one of my most anticipated threads of the year. 

Every year

[MissingInAction 24868]

5 hours ago, nnm said:

Don't say anything.  Just drop a box of these next to the bathroom sink:

https://www.amazon.com/Kleenex-Towels-Disposable-Paper-Count/dp/B00BFUSDO4?th=1

For bonus points, install this when no one's looking:  https://a.co/d/7y7cocx

Brilliant but that would take SOS levels of planning for the bidet.

I'm bringing a box of wet wipes discreet like.

Edited November 6 by MissingInAction

[Kennythetiger 9356]

Um….how?  

[MissingInAction 24868]

Just now, Kennythetiger said:

Um….how?  

In my friend's purse. She is well aware of the situation.

[thunderlounge 7778]

1 hour ago, MissingInAction said:

In my friend's purse. She is well aware of the situation.

 

[After irth 1243]

On 11/6/2024 at 5:11 AM, Longboard Horn said:

The one in Dallas is permanently closed. Unless you're going to either the Plano or Fort Worth location, no Thanksgiving meal for you!

He wondered why it wasn't difficult to book a table.  Lots of availability.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9320]

I put up our Christmas trees and inside decorations today. I needed something festive. An employee died unexpectedly this week while leaving the facility & it was a non-stop barrage of HR & Safety meetings to make sure the rest of the team had access to grief counseling & resources, plus making sure his death wasn't work-related (it wasn't).

So fuck it, today was a good day to decorate while watching the Longhorns mudhole Florida. Nothing will get lit up until Thanksgiving, and I don't know if my spirit has been lifted much, but it was a nice mental distraction at least.

[mininghorn88 2272]

18 hours ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

I put up our Christmas trees and inside decorations today. I needed something festive. An employee died unexpectedly this week while leaving the facility & it was a non-stop barrage of HR & Safety meetings to make sure the rest of the team had access to grief counseling & resources, plus making sure his death wasn't work-related (it wasn't).

So fuck it, today was a good day to decorate while watching the Longhorns mudhole Florida. Nothing will get lit up until Thanksgiving, and I don't know if my spirit has been lifted much, but it was a nice mental distraction at least.

I love to decorate for Christmas and had grand plans for this year.

I got divorced in 2017 and I kept the house. My son and his 4 year old daughter (my granddaughter) had been staying with me while he renovated a house. He recently finished the house, got married and moved out. With the granddaughter also moving out I felt comfortable with doing a lot of decorating without fear of her playing with a lot of the decorations and messing them up. Now I find myself headed to Germany and Japan for the next two weeks. Then up to North Carolina for a week at Thanksgiving visiting my daughter, SIL, and granddaughter. Then I will be back in time to go for another business trip to Milwaukee for a week in early December. Not sure how much decorating will actually get done.

On a positive I did get engaged to a wonderful woman this past week as I proposed to my girlfriend while on vacation in Sedona.

[Underdog 28481]

Been wanting to at least hang the outside lights on the house while the weather has been unseasonably warm in our area but the wife thinks it’s too early. 

[Iceman 2667]

^^^^^^^^
if I’m doing the work, they’re going up in pretty weather. You can wait to light em up in December if you want…

Edited November 10 by Iceman

[GhostOfTomJoad 9320]

Yeah no shit, this is perfect weather to put up the outside stuff. I stopped hanging lights off the front porch a few years ago, but now's the time to do it, test it, and then fire it up whenever the Mrs says "it's time." Nothing worse than being forced to do it when a cold/rainy spell hits and you're out in the raw trying to go up & down a ladder.