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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted

"Do you paint houses?"

"No, but I will blast the back of that porcelain bowl like it needs a new paint job."

 

Good Lord it's hard to imagine the science involved in creating the shart/ shat that came out my ass this morning.  It smelled like Thriller looked. Pure death.

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Posted

As a frequenter of this thread in years past I will always be here as a show of solidarity. My contributions to these threads have dropped off dramatically, however.  I've suffered just one
shart per year in each of the last two years and although production has waned, quality hasn't suffered as each episode was a strip-to-near-naked affair. This past weekend marked the
anniversary of the last shart, which was brought on by getting drunk while judging beans at a chili cook-off. Since then I've fallen out of favor with the bar owners and was not invited to judge
for the first time in years (fine by me) and my alcohol consumption these days is social, light, and never to excess. Flying clean in 2025.... so far..... 

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Posted

Fuck yeah..... I rocked out to a fair amount of Triumph back in the day. Cruising around in my old piece of shit 1976 hilux pickup with my mullet blowing in the breeze. Those were care-free, and shart-free days.

I actually wish I still had that pickup. It was indestructible. 

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Posted
53 minutes ago, Blotto said:

Fuck yeah..... I rocked out to a fair amount of Triumph back in the day. Cruising around in my old piece of shit 1976 hilux pickup with my mullet blowing in the breeze. Those were care-free, and shart-free days.

I actually wish I still had that pickup. It was indestructible. 

Credit to our AI overlords:

[Verse 1]

Well, I had me a pickup, ’76 and rusted down

Ain’t much to look at, but it never let me down

Windows rolled open, radio up high

Triumph in the speakers, man, I felt alive

 

[Pre-Chorus]

Oh, them days were easy, them nights were long

Gas was cheap, and the world felt strong

Ain’t no worries, ain’t no chains

Just a long stretch of highway callin’ my name

 

[Chorus]

Ohhh, take me back to them shart-free days

Where the wind blew wild and the guitars played

That Hilux might be gone, but the feelin’ remains

Man, I’d give anything to ride again

 

[Verse 2]

That truck took a beatin’, but it never broke down

Hell, it outlived my first love and half this old town

Mullet in the breeze, let the good times roll

Feelin’ like a legend with a rock ‘n’ roll soul

 

[Pre-Chorus]

Oh, them days were easy, them nights were long

Gas was cheap, and the world felt strong

Ain’t no worries, ain’t no chains

Just a long stretch of highway callin’ my name

 

[Chorus]

Ohhh, take me back to them shart-free days

Where the wind blew wild and the guitars played

That Hilux might be gone, but the feelin’ remains

Man, I’d give anything to ride again

 

[Bridge] (Slow, bluesy, with that Skynyrd swagger)

Well, I still hear the engine hummin’ in my dreams

Still feel that southern sun, still taste that gasoline

Ain’t about the truck, no, it’s about the life

Back when the road was open and the time felt right

 

[Outro] (Big, grand, Free Bird-style solo kicks in)

So if you see me driftin’ down that lost highway

Know I’m chasin’ down them yesterday days

That Hilux might be gone, but the feelin’ remains

And I’d give anything to ride again…

 

(Cue triple-guitar harmonies, let that solo wail into the night…)

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Posted
On 2/5/2025 at 5:32 PM, Gil Bang said:

today's undies went straight into the garbage.

This is why I don’t wear underwear.  It raises the stakes and keeps me laser focused.

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Posted
6 hours ago, Goredho said:

Surly shart poll...

Do you try to salvage the underwear, throw it in the hamper for your wife to deal with or do you...

9a45cc6b93988add1e6da425c21b5ddf.gif

All sharts are not created equal, but anything more than a dot-size and that will easily wash out should be tossed in my opinion. 

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Posted
6 hours ago, Goredho said:

Do you try to salvage the underwear, throw it in the hamper for your wife to deal with or do you...

 

It should never go right into the hamper.  Rinse that fucking thing out, or your hamper just smells like shit until laundry day. 

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Posted
7 hours ago, Goredho said:

Surly shart poll...

Do you try to salvage the underwear, throw it in the hamper for your wife to deal with or do you...

9a45cc6b93988add1e6da425c21b5ddf.gif

if it's liquidy wash it outside with the hose or even inside with the shower, then straight to the washer for multiple cycles.  if it's chunky.....trash 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

I am currently in Peru on business. I ate something that did not agree with me on Tuesday. This is just the second time in over 30 years of international travels that I have had an issue. I pretty much stayed in my hotel room yesterday near the toilet. Problem is is that I have to present some material today. My stomach is still messed up. So far I am still clean but I will be playing butthole roulette today for a couple of hours.

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Posted
2 hours ago, mininghorn88 said:

I am currently in Peru on business. I ate something that did not agree with me on Tuesday. This is just the second time in over 30 years of international travels that I have had an issue. I pretty much stayed in my hotel room yesterday near the toilet. Problem is is that I have to present some material today. My stomach is still messed up. So far I am still clean but I will be playing butthole roulette today for a couple of hours.

Atahualpa’s revenge. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Posted
On 3/12/2025 at 9:37 AM, PvilleStang said:

Wasn't me, but my son has entered the chat twice in the last week.  4 years old, and dude is a solid gambler.

If your experience of having a boy is anything like mine, then you have 2 more years of this shit.  Once he stopped shitting his pants his suddenly forgot how to wipe his ass.  9 yo daughter hasn’t left a mark since she was potty trained.  For my 7 yo son it’s a weekly occurrence.  Godspeed my friend.

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Posted

Holy mother of Jesus.

It began with a build your own pizza from Subway. I chose a simple collection of ingredients I have ordered in the past without issue. Even the staff remarked that the pizza looked and smelled amazing. 
At the time I was not aware of the ominous foreshadowing of these statements. 

I had half the pizza for dinner and the first signs of trouble began in the wee hours of the morning. I woke up paining to release a long series of staccato machine gun farts that delivered a grievous and putrid assault upon the senses.
Although I had terrible gas I detected no danger and fell back asleep blissfully unaware of the roiling cauldron of fury and deception that was brewing within. 

Early the next day the killer struck in the predawn darkness as I was pouring my first cup of coffee downstairs. Without almost no warning I became aware of the pressure of a fart whose timetable was not my own nor would it be denied.
Perhaps there was some quantum trickery, a Schrodinger's fart of sorts , where solid and gas flipped states at the last possible instant....but what I know for sure is what came out met the bare minimum definition of a fart. This transitioned seamlessly into a mudslide punctuated by thermal pockets of gut cracking explosive gas. There was no stopping it, no amount of clenching, I simply was not in control of anything. 

sewer-declogging-sewer.gif.04e6480ffc7b1336367c8240868f1c98.gif

Above, is the best visual representation I can provide to the group of what took place in my pants as I raced to the nearest bathroom. With a shower.  
Although not especially religious, I found myself thanking God for tile and hardwood floors as I trotted through the house well aware that my own shit was running down both of my legs. 

I came to a sliding and defeated landing on the toilet seat as the final salvos of the war inside my ass were fired into the toilet bowl. It was a hellish oscillation between raucous gas and flying soft serve that left me beleaguered with an abused and smoking butthole. However, I was also overtaken with calm. Perhaps it was because this was not the first time I had been on a toilet sitting in my own shit, but I knew exactly what to do and quickly. Jeans, underwear, and socks were rolled into a ball...and written off as KIA. A quick visit to Amazon on the cellphone and a pair of replacement jeans were already on the conveyor getting ready to head my way before I had even flushed the toilet. Quick rinse in the shower and from start to finish the entire ordeal was less than 10 minutes. 

Hopefully, this will be my first and last entry for 2025. 




 

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Posted

giphy.gif?cid=6c09b95282qk78vug0m3mu88n6

Doc has me on keto diet to address a number of issues, including hopefully helping the acute claustrophobia I’ve developed the last year that prevents me from getting on a plane. Includes MCT oil and AMPK Charge+ supplement.


There should be black box warning on these supplements:  When taking, never trust a fart. 
 

Rented a Tesla for a cross-country work trip. Because I cannot fly. White Model Y, white interior. 
 

Went to church, left right after. About to pull on the interstate. Let a small, innocuous-feeling fart out. That wasn’t a fart.
 

Immediately pulled into McDs to check the damage, waddled into the men’s room, cleaned up, confirmed it had gone right through the underwear and pants. Got back to the car and yep, right on the pristine white leather seat too. 
 

Fortunately I was only 30 minutes away from home. Drove back, chucked the pants and underwear, took a shower, re-dressed, sanitized seat, on my way. 
 

Dropped liquid in a truck stop somewhere in NE Tx and now again in an outlet mall bathroom in Little Rock. 
 

It’s seriously like colonoscopy prep. 

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Posted

Loading an SUV with a large group of kids to go skiing. I get out to allow the kids in to the back and figure it's a good time to let out a bit of gas. Wearing very light colored sweat pants. My breakfast of three cups of coffee, a couple apples, and a fiber breakfast bar had different plans. 

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Posted
2 hours ago, nnm said:

giphy.gif?cid=6c09b95282qk78vug0m3mu88n6

Doc has me on keto diet to address a number of issues, including hopefully helping the acute claustrophobia I’ve developed the last year that prevents me from getting on a plane. Includes MCT oil and AMPK Charge+ supplement.


There should be black box warning on these supplements:  When taking, never trust a fart. 
 

Rented a Tesla for a cross-country work trip. Because I cannot fly. White Model Y, white interior. 
 

Went to church, left right after. About to pull on the interstate. Let a small, innocuous-feeling fart out. That wasn’t a fart.
 

Immediately pulled into McDs to check the damage, waddled into the men’s room, cleaned up, confirmed it had gone right through the underwear and pants. Got back to the car and yep, right on the pristine white leather seat too. 
 

Fortunately I was only 30 minutes away from home. Drove back, chucked the pants and underwear, took a shower, re-dressed, sanitized seat, on my way. 
 

Dropped liquid in a truck stop somewhere in NE Tx and now again in an outlet mall bathroom in Little Rock. 
 

It’s seriously like colonoscopy prep. 

Keep up the good work - all Teslas should be shit in. 

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Posted (edited)

Repeat failure in the downtown Doubletree St. Louis. Because I slept poorly, I did not remember yesterday’s debacle and as I woke up, I let out the customary morning release. Gaseous liquid. Nice stain on the sheets for housekeeping. 

PRO tip: don’t stay at the downtown Courtyard in St. Louis.

Edited by nnm
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Posted
8 minutes ago, nnm said:

Repeat failure in the downtown Doubletree St. Louis. Because I slept poorly, I did not remember yesterday’s debacle and as I woke up, I let out the customary morning release. Gaseous liquid. Nice stain on the sheets for housekeeping. 

PRO tip: don’t stay at the downtown Courtyard in St. Louis.

Keep up the good work - all of St. Louis should be shit on. 

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