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Advice for non musical parent


UT_OB1

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My daughter has always liked playing instruments, and we’ve encouraged it. In 6th grade the school we were at had an orchestra and she started playing violin. She’s continued this year in 7th grade and enjoys it. She can listen to songs on the radio and convert them to her violin. She’s dabbled a little in writing her own song for the piano with her teachers help. 
 

We have just moved, and she’s going from a science magnet with orchestra to a school that is smaller and more similar to what I grew up with.  It will require a bit more student/parent outside of school work. She’s going to have to switch instruments, but she’s excited about that because she’s wanted to learn clarinet. 
 

I know nothing about music. I see all these books about music theory, and I even see they offer classes on it at some of the fancier high schools. She loves to read also. Is there anything anyone would recommend for her age level?  Or even any YouTube instruction videos? I just have no idea where to begin and don’t want waste her time with something that is frustratingly advanced or just poorly put together. 

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What is your goal - to supplement her band instruction because the band program isn’t great? To have her learn theory to …. be her best musician self? Has she expressed interest in theory specifically?

 

If it’s just the first thing, I’d shell out for lessons. Learning theory is a bit like… learning to diagram sentences and maybe spell really well. You kinda need to do it a bit to learn the instrument, but if you’re trying to dive in deep, the ultimate goal might inform how you’d go about doing it. 

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41 minutes ago, UT_OB1 said:

My daughter has always liked playing instruments, and we’ve encouraged it. In 6th grade the school we were at had an orchestra and she started playing violin. She’s continued this year in 7th grade and enjoys it. She can listen to songs on the radio and convert them to her violin. She’s dabbled a little in writing her own song for the piano with her teachers help. 
 

We have just moved, and she’s going from a science magnet with orchestra to a school that is smaller and more similar to what I grew up with.  It will require a bit more student/parent outside of school work. She’s going to have to switch instruments, but she’s excited about that because she’s wanted to learn clarinet. 
 

I know nothing about music. I see all these books about music theory, and I even see they offer classes on it at some of the fancier high schools. She loves to read also. Is there anything anyone would recommend for her age level?  Or even any YouTube instruction videos? I just have no idea where to begin and don’t want waste her time with something that is frustratingly advanced or just poorly put together. 

Music theory can be very dry and abstract.  I would not push towards theory until her own personal development as a musician/composer leads her to music theory.  Jimmy's advice is probably going to wind up being the best.  I would look for a teacher that can help foster her skill with the piano and whatever instrument she will play in band.  Piano is the best tool for understanding music, imo.  Scales, chords, melody, harmony, etc...  There are reasons most symphonic composers write and arrange on a piano and its not because it sounds more beautiful than a violin.

Edited by Goredho
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One other thing I'll say about theory.  As an intermediate student of it, I actually get a whole lot from ChatGPT conversations about music theory.  I sit there at the piano or with a guitar, have a conversation and validate its responses with the instrument, and it's honestly really, really good.  I don't think its better than having a knowledgeable teacher that I could ask questions of, but its better than static resources like books or videos that may mention theory phrases in passing like "secondary dominant chord" assuming the consumer knows what these mean.  With AI, you can be like, "Hold up, what's a secondary dominant chord?"  It's the best standalone resource outside of a skilled teacher that I know of right now.

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The school band historically has been a very supportive community, I think that would be my first stop for recommendations on private lessons, the teacher may offer lessons themselves.

 

I know arts budgets have been slashed, especially in some states more than others, which is a shame, as it's something near and dear to me. We actually started in 4th grade back in my day.

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17 hours ago, UT_OB1 said:

My goal is just to encourage her in a way she can keep learning because she enjoys it.  

This is great, kudos to you. 

I grew up loving music as a listener and was around a close family friend who was a jazz musician, but I was never encouraged/expressed interest in learning an instrument. 

I wish I could go back and do that all over again and take advantage of that access because I love learning it now and wish I'd been given a basic lesson in music theory when I was a teenager. Music is such a great creative outlet.

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I echo what everyone is saying.  I played an instrument through college and my wife was an accomplished pianist who taught privately for years, so we've been in a different position than you.  Even so, private lessons for my daughter (violin), were super important and helpful.  Newsflash- kids don't like to learn from their parents.  My son wasn't quite as interested, so school class was sufficient.

If she's in a school program, and you end up getting private lessons, I wouldn't worry about addressing theory separately.  That'll come.

Beyond that, I encourage you (well everyone), to have multiple instruments in the house- accessible and even on display if possible.  They don't need to be high end, and you shouldn't attach any expectations to them- just have them there.  The musically curious will gravitate to them.  For us that meant guitars, ukuleles, trombone,  keyboard, violin, and some percussive instruments.  Now deeper in high school, my kids have each shifted to the choir from their primary instruments, but it's not unusual at all to hear a guitar being played in a room by my daughter, or seeing my son banging keys figuring out a popular song.

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100% private instruction.

Private teachers cover details of a specific instrument that the school director doesn't have time for, possibly doesn't even know, unless it's an instrument they themselves studied. In particular:

- Skill building exercises, where most of your ability to play better comes from

- translating notes on the page into what you do on that particular instrument

- hardware; how to maintain the instrument, how to purchase parts or a new one

- developing a solo repertoire

- how to practice

In general, the belief that you should practice hours per day is, in my mind, misguided. Better to practice briefly, but focused, each day for 15 minutes or so.

Edited by Rimbo
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4 hours ago, Rimbo said:

the school director doesn't have time for, possibly doesn't even know, unless it's an instrument they themselves studied

 

This actually triggered the memory that all my band/Orchestra directors were brass players. You would think that a pianist or strings player would slip in there somewhere, but alas, no.

 

My high school band director was in one of those groups of like 5 guys that would come to do an assembly at elementary or Junior High school and play tunes for the school to promote music for the kids. When I walked into high school it was like the two Spidermen pointing at each other meme.

 

The sax player in that group was like a dead ringer for Coach in Cheers too. Could play the shit out of the Pink Panther though.

 

Anyhow, this concludes G650s reminiscing.

Edited by G650
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There’s no one true way to learn. Lessons are always a great idea. No matter how advanced you are you can always learn something. Be willing to shop around for a teacher your kid digs. They aren’t all the same.

 

Encourage other avenues as well. YouTube, friends, jazz band at school whatever might sound interesting to her make sure you encourage it.

 

One other thing I’ve always done. Our rule is my daughter can make music at our house any time she wants. I can assure you that at least for me listening to her do her thing is better than whatever else I might have been paying attention to. You never know when inspiration will strike and you don’t want to be in the way if it does. 

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32 minutes ago, G650 said:

 

This actually triggered the memory that all my band/Orchestra directors were brass players. You would think that a pianist or strings player would slip in there somewhere, but alas, no.

 

My high school band director was in one of those groups of like 5 guys that would come to do an assembly at elementary or Junior High school and play tunes for the school to promote music for the kids. When I walked into high school it was like the two Spidermen pointing at each other meme.

 

The sax player in that group was like a dead ringer for Coach in Cheers too. Could play the shit out of the Pink Panther though.

 

Anyhow, this concludes G650s reminiscing.

Guessing Pink Panther may be the smoke on the water of the sax

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I got sidetracked and didn't finish reading all the responses, but 2 things I'd absolutely do.

1.  Help her find a private teacher that she enjoys working with.  She'll lose interest if she ends up with a teacher she doesn't like working with.  Don't be afraid to try more than one if you need to to keep her excited.

2.  Encourage her love of music in general.  As an example, let her pick music for y'all to listen to while you eat dinner, encourage her to expand her musical horizons when she's picking, and talk about the music with her when you hear a song you especially like or don't like and encourage her to develop her own opinions about all kinds of music as well.

If you do those 2 things, you'll help her instill a life long love of music and a new level of discipline to pick up new skills, even if she eventually decides that playing music isn't for her any longer.

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1 hour ago, tbone_ said:

One other thing I’ve always done. Our rule is my daughter can make music at our house any time she wants. I can assure you that at least for me listening to her do her thing is better than whatever else I might have been paying attention to. You never know when inspiration will strike and you don’t want to be in the way if it does. 

Same.  Our daughter the drummer did the fake-sick one day in ~ 4th grade, and my wife told her she could stay home from school IF she took my wife's ukelele and lesson books and learned something.

We got home from work and she had learned the whole damn thing.  I mean, she could really play ukelele.  She had already been playing drums for a couple of years via formal lessons but that was eye-opening.  About a week later I heard this lovely little melody coming out of our master bath -- I looked in and she was in our walk-in shower writing a song.  It was VERY much like the daughter's song in "Moneyball".  (Not a ripoff in any sense, she had never heard it, but just one of those great little well-done girlie songs.)  Took me a moment to pick my jaw off the floor.  She's still writing, some 13 years later.  And well.

Edited by jimmyjazz
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On 1/15/2025 at 2:47 PM, UT_OB1 said:

I know nothing about music. I see all these books about music theory, and I even see they offer classes on it at some of the fancier high schools. She loves to read also. Is there anything anyone would recommend for her age level?  Or even any YouTube instruction videos? I just have no idea where to begin and don’t want waste her time with something that is frustratingly advanced or just poorly put together. 

Most kids join band in 6th grade.  There are two major times when kids quit .... one at the end of the first year of middle school and one at the end of middle school.  Our high school band director said that if he could get them on to the bus to their first football game, they were going to graduate high school still in band.  Marching band takes a lot of time and effort but it's super social.  Each section has a unique personality and the kids become "clarinets" or "flutes" or "trumpets" and it's amazing how the personalities of the kids start to fit their instrument.

If your kid has already tried violin and liked it, I would suspect your kid has a pretty good ear.  Clarinet should be a good transition.  If your kid tries it but discovers they would really prefer something else or to learn multiple instruments, let them try.  We had lots of kids in our program that played different instruments in multiple bands.

As others have said, work with your band director to find a private teacher that your kid likes, or seek other clarinet parents and ask who they liked, so your kid can find a person they enjoy working with.  Your kid may have a lesson once every one or two weeks. Music is supposed to be fun and enjoyable, not a death march, so if the kid hits a rough spot, let them have the experience and try not to pressure them.

Once your kid has an instrument, a band director, is in a band program, maybe has a private teacher and some band friends, everything else should just happen from there.  You shouldn't have to provide much guidance.

Find out where your local music store is so that you can buy a box of reeds or get something fixed.  If your kid sticks with clarinet and gets good, think about buying a reasonably good instrument for them sometime in high school.  Kids start on rental instruments through a music store or the school, but if the kid really gets into it then your private teacher or band director can guide you to a better instrument once you are sure the kid wants to stick with it.  Some instruments like tuba or percussion don't lend themselves to individually owned instruments.

Lots of bands go on trips.  Send your kid if you can.  If you go along as a chaperone, help out while staying away from your kid.  They want you to be involved but magically disappear when they are hanging out with their friends.

Get involved with the band boosters.  Even if you are not a musical person, you have some talent that the band boosters need, particularly in a marching band.  Accounting, designing t-shirts, selling merch, building stuff, painting, driving trucks, unloading trucks, loading trucks, unloading trucks, loading trucks, unloading trucks, loading trucks, unloading trucks, serving pizza, making videos, whatever.  They always need volunteers.  Show up, do a job you know how to do or ask for one you don't, and keep a reasonable distance from your kid.

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