Senior Citizen Issues - Assisting Your Parents

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Doc appt. w/ Mom (ortho) & she is driving me crazy today.

On the way over I actively told her I was turning up the radio because I she wouldn't stop talking incessantly about nagging type things, stuff I need to do for her, etc. It's not as though I don't have work to do & other events in my family to attend to.

I recognize that one day I will not have her around to suffer FROM, but it's days like this that seem insufferable.

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[troph 24781]

Hang in there rbox.  You’re doing the Lord’s work buddy.  My partners dad just had a stroke, she’s at the hospital. Mom didn’t call the EMS when he fell. Waiting hear, not expecting good news.  She left to go to him yesterday thought it was just “another” fall - he has balance issues we think from nerve agent damage from Vietnam. Anyway, I was in the bathtub yesterday with no news and started crying for no reason, 20 mins later got the “dad had a stroke” text. Shit. They caught it waaaaay late.  
 

we are already building our home ada compliant or adaptable with a lift and expect her mom will live with us. She’s a hoot but I can imagine how stubborn she will be too.  My mom is still really active and I (and my siblings) divorced my dad. His wife and her son can take care of him, he’s been good to them unlike his biologicals.  
 

anyway, stay healthy, stay active, eat well, and keep going as long as you can, the slide when it happens doesn’t look promising for any of us. 

[ROFL BOX 6647]

When she divorced my Dad & moved to Lauderdale (knew ONE person there & didn't want to go back to Shreveport... don't blame her for that idea; 1970 in North Louisiana is a redneckified proposition; high culture there stopped with Def Leppard & an '83 IROC - Z in the 305 v-8).

Raised 2 kids 98% solo & did mostly OK with that.  So she didn't do any of the stuff my Uncle was around for (& he didn't have kids under his roof @ the time) in regards to assisting my grandparents.  She doesn't make the connection to my time & availability vs. her wants / desires / needs.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

1 hour ago, ROFL BOX said:

  She doesn't make the connection to my time & availability vs. her wants / desires / needs.

That's because you're all she's got, when push comes to shove.  It feels like a burden while it's happening, but believe me you'll miss it when it's gone.

[troph 24781]

18 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

When she divorced my Dad & moved to Lauderdale (knew ONE person there & didn't want to go back to Shreveport... don't blame her for that idea; 1970 in North Louisiana is a redneckified proposition; high culture there stopped with Def Leppard & an '83 IROC - Z in the 305 v-8).

Raised 2 kids 98% solo & did mostly OK with that.  So she didn't do any of the stuff my Uncle was around for (& he didn't have kids under his roof @ the time) in regards to assisting my grandparents.  She doesn't make the connection to my time & availability vs. her wants / desires / needs.

I think our old people go out like we all come into this world, oblivious to the wants needs and requirements of others. Life isn’t linear it’s circular and we come in naked and ignorant and often times leave the same way.  I think our inability as a culture to see and accept the childishness our old people seem to embody at times is part of why we often times don’t take care of them like we should. 
 

you’re a good dude, it’s hard as fuck I can hear it in your posts, hang in there we see you leaning in. You’re setting a great example for your kids. 
 

I’m gearing up for it with her mom, and then mine next. I’m not looking forward to it but I’m going to try and embrace it too.  Her dad doesn’t have much use for the left side of his body apparently, some confusion and can’t perceive if he’s hot or cold right now.  Hoping for some progress he’s going to be in rehab for a while. Poor guy. 

[troph 24781]

And ain’t nothing wrong with def leopard.

[dcbc 14465]

56 minutes ago, troph said:

I think our old people go out like we all come into this world, oblivious to the wants needs and requirements of others. Life isn’t linear it’s circular and we come in naked and ignorant and often times leave the same way.  I think our inability as a culture to see and accept the childishness our old people seem to embody at times is part of why we often times don’t take care of them like we should. 

Quoted for truth.  My mom has Parkinson's disease and has regressed significantly in the last 18 months.  She had a UTI in April that nearly killed her.  She is strong physically, apart from the effects of the disease on her motor skills.  But since April, she really has started to slip mentally.  It comes and goes, but it is distressing.  She is in a wonderful assisted living facility and seems happy there.  Her neurologist is an absolute rock star.  We are ten minutes away and can visit regularly (unlike last year).  So there are some bright spots.  But watching the decline is hard, frustrating, and sad too. 

[fattyflattie 4639]

3 hours ago, dcbc said:

Quoted for truth.  My mom has Parkinson's disease and has regressed significantly in the last 18 months.  She had a UTI in April that nearly killed her.  She is strong physically, apart from the effects of the disease on her motor skills.  But since April, she really has started to slip mentally.  It comes and goes, but it is distressing.  She is in a wonderful assisted living facility and seems happy there.  Her neurologist is an absolute rock star.  We are ten minutes away and can visit regularly (unlike last year).  So there are some bright spots.  But watching the decline is hard, frustrating, and sad too. 

Very sorry to hear. Dad has the same.  Hit him about 6 months after he retired at 62.  Was strong, intelligent, and like myself he just never quit moving. Was always working on something.  What he’s been reduced to over the last few years is rage inducing, and leaves one with many more questions than answers.  We’re only an hour up the road but current work has me out of state at a 70% clip.  I fear I’m going to look back on this time in serious regret. 
 

@troph I’m sorry for your lady’s father. My (favorite) uncle had 2.  The first turned him from a surly asshole into a lovable man that greatly slowed him down and made him appreciate everything (including his nephews).  The second one pretty much did him in and he lost so much more function etc.  I hope y’all get some positive news.   If any of y’all are still smokers, quit.  

[ROFL BOX 6647]

And ain’t nothing wrong with def leopard.

Anything pedantic is OK provided it isn't the wall you are stuck against & are unable to overcome.

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[troph 24781]

1 hour ago, fattyflattie said:

 

@troph I’m sorry for your lady’s father. My (favorite) uncle had 2.  The first turned him from a surly asshole into a lovable man that greatly slowed him down and made him appreciate everything (including his nephews).  The second one pretty much did him in and he lost so much more function etc.  I hope y’all get some positive news.   If any of y’all are still smokers, quit.  

he's apparently coherent now and knows all of the answers to the historical and contemporaneous questions they ask, and he's answered with a surly sense of humor that would please all of you. he's got some work to do physically.  hopefully I can see him again soon.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Also, today she insisted that I come over (20 minutes one way) out of my planned route to help her with her iPhong.

...Keypad & some other overlay was getting in the way of her SMS screen (on the sides, not keypad on bottom).

Had her power it off, back on.

Fixed.

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[troph 24781]

does the iPhong come with an eggroll and hot and sour soup?

[ROFL BOX 6647]

does the iPhong come with an eggroll and hot and sour soup?

"iPhong" is an old Shag... maybe even HF reference.

Unpossible, Torbush, etc.

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[Nice Guy Eddie 13508]

19 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Also, today she insisted that I come over (20 minutes one way) out of my planned route to help her with her iPhong.

...Keypad & some other overlay was getting in the way of her SMS screen (on the sides, not keypad on bottom).

Had her power it off, back on.

Fixed.

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I hear ya. I had to drive over once to turn off an alarm clock.

[conVINCEd 21469]

I once had to go to my grandparents and fix their tv.  They had managed to turn on closed captioning in Russian.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Took her to CVS today for an Rx pickup & she said she had other stuff to do as well.

I asked that she not meander & get into unnecessary conversations with anyone... I had shit to do, needed to get her back home.

10 minutes later I had to use the restroom, so in I go. There she is casually perusing the seasonal cheap jewelry.

Was still doing this when I came back out.

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[Nice Guy Eddie 13508]

Does anyone know if you can set cable set top box to auto default to the HD channel if someone selects the SD channel? I'm sick that every time I visit my mom, she has the SD channel on the screen and is obviously SD and not using the full screen. 

FYI, I have friends who wives do this too. And then they bitch that the expensive TV isn't worth it.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Mom is out there... driving... on her own.

Be afraid, be VERY afraid (because as a passenger, I am).

[Jerry Callo 8698]

2 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Mom is out there... driving... on her own.

Be afraid, be VERY afraid (because as a passenger, I am).

My mom is getting a driving evaluation next month.

[Elvis 3371]

My old dad lives in a retirement place, semi assisted.  I am storing my old Avalanche there in one of his covered spots until my son is old enough for it.
 

He bragged about  driving it all over town to keep it running.  Great. Thanks dad. 

[statsman 5450]

On 3/27/2018 at 8:48 AM, TwiceHorn said:

As alluded to on the thread, it's pretty much your duty as a child to see that your parents are cared for one way or another.  

And if you are lucky enough to have siblings to do it for you, please thank them, both verbally and financially.  Sub-teen kids will love it if they come to live with you.

Yep. A few years ago, we moved my MIL from west Texas to a house we bought near ours, in Arlington. It was time (she is 87). My siblings in law live in Austin, and attuned as they are to their own individual needs, find themselves unable to find the time or money to help us (we are the only ones raising a child right now). Nor do they ever see a reason just say, “Thanks”. 
 
Which is why I composed a nice message to my sister today. She is what used to be called an “old maid”, and she lives with my dad (as she has lived with our parents for most of her adult life, really helping as my Mom died last year). I really do appreciate what she is doing and seek out ways to help and listen. 

[horn4life 3759]

On 5/7/2022 at 12:39 PM, Elvis said:

My old dad lives in a retirement place, semi assisted.  I am storing my old Avalanche there in one of his covered spots until my son is old enough for it.
 

He bragged about  driving it all over town to keep it running.  Great. Thanks dad. 

Nothing personal, but the apple and the tree.  Maybe don't store an operable vehicle near Dad? Especially if it's in your name/insurance.  Dumbass Dad, could become Dumbass Son pretty quickly in this scenario.

My FIL is dying right now.  Dad and Mom for me are overall in good shape, physically. Living independently at 90 and 88 respectively.  Mom had cognitive issues that are only going to get worse.  My wife is the lead dog and is a consultant pharmacist to Nursing Homes/ Assisted living facilities, so luckily she's an expert with connections in the field.  The hardest part is getting them to commit to something different, especially when they are still able to do assisted living.  Fo most older people the stimulation they get by seeing other people quickly overcomes the missing the home.  IF, they are social and you are in a good facility.

It's across we all have to bear, and hope that one of our kids are willing to bear.  Nothing fun about getting old, or taking care of a parent. It's a time suck, and there is not upside except knowing your are doing the right thing.

I need to start pushing hard with my dad.  He's kicking ass at 90, but he could drop dead at any moment,  Leaving me (and my sister) in a situation where I would be the guy doing all the work, and trying to make her feel good with some decision making sharing.  Standing over that 3 foot wide Stingray last Sunday with the wife have Stever Irvin visions, doesn't sound so terrible sometimes.

[Jerry Callo 8698]

Anyone have experience with Life Alert or a similar "I've fallen and I can't get up" device?

[ROFL BOX 6647]

On 10/23/2022 at 10:06 AM, Jerry Callo said:

Anyone have experience with Life Alert or a similar "I've fallen and I can't get up" device?

My Mom has also asked about them.

1.  For now, I keep telling her to not go ANYWHERE without the phone in hand / pocket, etc.  50% "I've fallen" situations, 50% so she won't forget where she placed it.

2.  I have seen on the comercials where it says "batteries never need charging or replacing" & wonder exactly how that is possible.  I can also see the salesperson saying "OK< so you get one (ONE) "free try" to make sure it's working - go ahead & press the button now & you'll get a quick response from us via phone."

[HouTex 1866]

My 86 year old mother wears some type of alert device around her neck in case she falls.  We also have the Snug Safety app on our phones that requires her to check in on her iPhone each morning or else I will get a text that she failed to check in.  

[Chewbacca 7766]

On 6/29/2021 at 7:40 AM, troph said:

I think our old people go out like we all come into this world, oblivious to the wants needs and requirements of others. Life isn’t linear it’s circular and we come in naked and ignorant and often times leave the same way.  I think our inability as a culture to see and accept the childishness our old people seem to embody at times is part of why we often times don’t take care of them like we should. 

I know this is an old post, but it's hitting me hard about now.  QFT

On 10/23/2022 at 9:06 AM, Jerry Callo said:

Anyone have experience with Life Alert or a similar "I've fallen and I can't get up" device?

My mom wears an Apple Watch 24/7 because she lives alone and doesn't want to wear one of the around the neck things.

[troph 24781]

8 hours ago, Chewbacca said:

I know this is an old post, but it's hitting me hard about now.  QFT

My mom wears an Apple Watch 24/7 because she lives alone and doesn't want to wear one of the around the neck things.

Do share your secret knowledge. A lot of us are in it or about to be in it, some of us for the next decade or more. 

Edited October 26, 2022 by troph

[Chewbacca 7766]

13 hours ago, troph said:

Do share your secret knowledge. A lot of us are in it or about to be in it, some of us for the next decade or more. 

No secret knowledge, unfortunately.  I'm definitely not as compassionate as I should be.  I've got good reasons for this, but sometimes I feel like I should set the past aside and be better.  Other times I don't.  The struggle is real.

[Guest]

In the middle of all this. Actually have been for years, and while right now it's the hardest it's been, it's also gotten easier... at least for the moment.

My mom sounds A LOT like what Rox describes. Has no one other than my brother and I, and I'm the one that she seems to lean on more. For a while there, it made me mad. Never took care of herself or finances, so I could see it all coming miles away. Essentially became her provider, caretaker, friend, everything. At the same time, I have my own work, family, etc.  I'd get super frustrated because I felt like I was being taken advantage of because she didn't want to put in the effort to do things for herself when I was right there.

Well, in the past few months and especially after two weeks in the hospital (where I was convinced it was the end), she been on a steady path down. In fact, Hospice it scheduled for admissions today.

It's now obvious that she does need the help and somehow that makes it easier for me mentally. I don't feel like she's being lazy when needing help or just asking me because it's the easy thing to do. So while I'm doing a lot more, I'm much more compassionate and ok with it. 

Also, cancer sucks. So does chemo and radiation.

[horn4life 3759]

A couple things I will since my wife's father passed recently.  She is a long term care pharmacist so she has connections to different facilities, and has been around the industry for years.  It's different when they are dying.  Like most things in life you get better with experience, and our parent is our first experience.  So you have no idea WTF you are doing in a very emotional state.  The biggest smart thing we did was get hospice involved.  Simply as they have experience and you do not.  She was on the way to making some decisions as the lead in her family, which the hospice nurse helped guide her.  

Sometimes they rally.  Sometimes they rally to see a certain relative, or after having some visitors.  It's not a straight downward decline and having the hospice folks tell you what they think the time span is helps narrow dramatically.  There were also a lot of other advantages of Hospice related to supplies like depends as I recall.  But mainly having an "expert" at death to guide you, was especially helpful.

The other thing that was surprising was that some nursing facilities did not have the ability to administer morphine for end of life care.  You can have a family member administer. It's a question to consider when choosing a nursing facility.  

[ROFL BOX 6647]

She decided to get a new vehicle.  Wouldn't listen to my pleadings that I find a good used one - insisted on new.  & Yes, I fully recognize that this is a bad time to get a new ride due to dealers advertising "NO MARKUP ON MSRP!" vs. the typical "$ ____ below MSRP!" from just 2 years ago.  & Of course used have gone up %'s as well, but... anyway.

Got a Subaru Ascent.   I had to drive her there because the Hyundai she has isn't working right now (refused to let me do repairs; assuming coil packs) & she wasn't willing to wait.  Said "I won't spend $ 5,000 on repairs!" when I repeatedly said "You don't know if it's $ 5.00, $ 500.00 or $ 5,000.00!"

Dealership scene:  I was the "NO" guy when they tried to throw all of these dealer options & add-on's.  This was Austin Subaru on Burnet Road.  Their new(er) to me slickness is a hot looking girl who has a foam single dice.  If you go for all 5 of their add-on's, the customer "rolls the die" to see what freebie they give...

- Special window tint that blocks 99% of UVA / UVB

- Seal coat of some kind for the paint (it's not factory applied, we have to do this)

- Windshield replacement insurance, because the forward sensors are built into the center rear view mirror & SafeLite or whomever don't know how to do that & Subaru won't warranty the sensors if you have someone else replace the glass."

- "Better than WeatherTec" floor mats

- Extended life vehicle warranty

I repeatedly told Mom "nope, no, nada, nyet, nuh-uh..." & she finally let it go.  I reminded her that "this nice lady can just as easily give you any single one of these for free all by herself.  Dealerships used to give these sorta things away just to get your business & now with limited inventory, they are being "on your side" by not giving you anything for free.

---- fast forward 40 minutes, we're in the F&I guy's office.  This is the person that (in the past) had the responsibility to throw all the extras on you where they have the hot girl doing it now.  We spend 10 minutes going over the same list & this time, he's got a tablet... swipe R / swipe L... from that column to this one, etc.   It shows the price down @ the bottom & what it will add to your monthly bill.  They don't use the "4 Square" sheet as much when --- "Hey, for only $ ____ per month, you can get ___ spiffy thing!".  I swiped everything over to NOPE & there's nothing added.  Vehicle only.

  It's near closing for the dealership (on a Friday night) & I stepped outside to the street so I can meet up with one of the guys from my crew to pay him for a total re-roofing project we completed the day before.  I'm outside for 5 minutes.  Before I leave the room, I said "NOTHING ELSE.... do NOT accept or add ANYTHING ELSE.  I looked him direct in the eyes & said not a thing extra added.

I'm sure you (dear reader) already know where this is going.

Come back in, she has signed docs & of course she added something.  "I asked him if he was buying a car, what would HE do?  I told him to "pick one" & he had good reasons."  It was the $ 6,000 add on for the extended warranty.  & We all know she is going to wreck it before the extended warranty even becomes a possibility.  < s i g h >

This is the shit I'm up against.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

I need to get my dad a watch that's not too smart. He mainly needs a digital watch with nice clear numbers. But I'm also concerned about him falling, so I figure I might as well look about getting something with fall detection but I don't want him messing with a smartwatch that switches screens when he just wants to see what time it is. I'm fine with paying a subscription for the alert service. 

I also need something that is like a walker or a cane but is not a walker or a cane because he doesn't need either of those goddamn things. 

[Jerry Callo 8698]

15 hours ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

I need to get my dad a watch that's not too smart. He mainly needs a digital watch with nice clear numbers. But I'm also concerned about him falling, so I figure I might as well look about getting something with fall detection but I don't want him messing with a smartwatch that switches screens when he just wants to see what time it is. I'm fine with paying a subscription for the alert service. 

I also need something that is like a walker or a cane but is not a walker or a cane because he doesn't need either of those goddamn things. 

My mother's insurance company sent a letter or email about one of the life alert type systems.  We ordered it through them and the cost is covered 100%.  Might check your dad's coverage for something similar.

[dcbc 14465]

On 3/7/2023 at 9:06 AM, Jerry Callo said:

My mother's insurance company sent a letter or email about one of the life alert type systems.  We ordered it through them and the cost is covered 100%.  Might check your dad's coverage for something similar.

This would be the best option.  If it's not covered, my mom had one through ADT, which worked in conjunction with her alarm system. 

[Nice Guy Eddie 13508]

Has anyone had to deal with an older parent sending constant text messages because they've forgotten they had sent a similar message 5 minutes ago? And I can deal with it/ignore it, but I worry that others are effectively being harassed by my dad as well. I'm probably receiving 50+ text messages per day, and thankfully they don't occur during the night. He suffers from dementia and reasoning with him is a challenge as he doesn't understand he's doing it.

I'm reluctant to take away the phone as its how he communicates with family and friends.

I understand that someone who has lost their parents wishes they would receive too many text messages. I get that but that doesn't mean it's not annoying.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

On 8/9/2023 at 1:25 PM, Nice Guy Eddie said:

Has anyone had to deal with an older parent sending constant text messages because they've forgotten they had sent a similar message 5 minutes ago?

How is it that he isn't seeing the most recent text?

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Who amongst us keeps a ledger of stuff you have spent your own $$ on?

I am semi-hesitant to nickel & dime her, however if I spend $ 15 on groceries, theoretically I should have some sort of accounting to show my brother once probate happens.  I'm not gonna tap her for lunch or minor stuff, but eventually it adds up.

I also know that if I asked my brother for anything now, he would absolutely refuse.  I once asked him to cover 1/2 of her dental insurance & he flat out said "no".  "She should have planned better" type response.

[Nice Guy Eddie 13508]

6 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Who amongst us keeps a ledger of stuff you have spent your own $$ on?

I am semi-hesitant to nickel & dime her, however if I spend $ 15 on groceries, theoretically I should have some sort of accounting to show my brother once probate happens.  I'm not gonna tap her for lunch or minor stuff, but eventually it adds up.

I also know that if I asked my brother for anything now, he would absolutely refuse.  I once asked him to cover 1/2 of her dental insurance & he flat out said "no".  "She should have planned better" type response.

Luckily my mom has enough funds to cover her expenses but I still keep receipts for everything. At the grocery store, I buy my and her groceries together and then she reimburses me. 100% I keep these receipts. I have a brother who is out of the picture but will definitely show up when she passes. I want to ensure that I’ve documented everything just in case an audit is needed.

Your post reads like your mom owes you money and that amount will continue to increase. I recommend talking to a lawyer about the best method for you to ultimately get paid back. Might be better for you to loan her larger dollar amounts and she signs an iou. Then the IOUs settled first with her estate. Once again talk to a lawyer. Your mom (or her eventual estate) should cover the lawyer cost not you.

[BottleRocket 644]

We just moved my parents to assisted living.  My father wanted to make the move because he saw my mother's mind slipping on a daily basis.  Her mental decline was shockingly rapid.   She was 100% sharp this time last year and now I'd say she is around 30%;   To give you some idea, she can no longer use her flip phone or tv remote.  The move to assisted living required (another) substantial downsizing of the family possessions.    This was a traumatic experience for my mother as she watched strangers (movers) come into her home one day and take half her cherished antiques, painting, and "stuff" that she had spent her lifetime collecting.   She's MAD!  Fortunately, my father ex-military and sees what needs to be done and does it.  Overall, we're very blessed that they had a plan in place for this scenario.  I feel sorry for anyone having to deal with any of this unexpectedly

 

It's heartbreaking. 

[Nice Guy Eddie 13508]

20 minutes ago, BottleRocket said:

We just moved my parents to assisted living.  My father wanted to make the move because he saw my mother's mind slipping on a daily basis.  Her mental decline was shockingly rapid.   She was 100% sharp this time last year and now I'd say she is around 30%;   To give you some idea, she can no longer use her flip phone or tv remote.  The move to assisted living required (another) substantial downsizing of the family possessions.    This was a traumatic experience for my mother as she watched strangers (movers) come into her home one day and take half her cherished antiques, painting, and "stuff" that she had spent her lifetime collecting.   She's MAD!  Fortunately, my father ex-military and sees what needs to be done and does it.  Overall, we're very blessed that they had a plan in place for this scenario.  I feel sorry for anyone having to deal with any of this unexpectedly

 

It's heartbreaking. 

yes, dementia progression can come out of nowhere. My mom lost the ability and understanding how to dress herself among other daily activities within two months.

FWIW, a neurologist prescribed her donepezil (aricept) which greatly helped her dementia problems for about 12+ months. It reversed her dementia for a while. She eventually had to increase the dosage to lessen the decline and eventually i was unsure if the continued medicine helped at all. Regardless it improved the quality of her life at least for a year. 

i gather that medicine doesn’t help everyone but the good news is that it only cost her about $5/month. Low financial risk. A pcp might be willing to prescribe just based on the symptoms. For my mom, she did have a mri that showed the vascular or brain tissue damage.

[dogbreath 434]

My mom went to a memory care place in March and is doing much better than when she lived with me. The Alzheimer’s continues to progress but she is physically strong and uses the outdoor courtyard to walk and greets the family members of the other residents with glee. The consistent social interaction with the visitors and aides keeps her emotionally  connected. Her fellow residents are now in wheel chairs due to falls and broken hips. This includes the lady she used to walk with to converse on possible escape routes. And the guy she got caught with when they were zipping up their pants in the hallway. No better prophylactic than adult diapers. She’s fallen too a few times but luckily nothing broken. She’s been an ardent walker all of her life and that has helped with her bone density. 
She’s going to outlive her money at this rate and will have to switch to Medicaid for facilities. 

I have all her finances in order with beneficiaries designated on annuities and am on bank accounts i have been handled them the last four years. Should be no need to probate. She’s got some very small o&g royalty income that I asked (with my brothers consent) my uncle to see if we can send it sideways rather than down. 

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Mom is having an L2 ~ L3 Xlist / Laminectomy on Fridsy.

I took her to the pre-op clearance yesterday. Serious business for a neatly 79 year old lady.

Doc says she needs 1:1 assistance for 3 days post discharge, yet this is only an overnight stay in the hospital & unless you're IN the hospital for 3 days, a rehab type "nursing home" facility is not approved.

Hell, when she had her knee replaced she was able to get approved for that same type of rehab stay... & this one is spine related.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Now to head over to her place & feed the dog.

Up @ 0400, but hey... I didn't need surgery today.

[horn4life 3759]

On 1/31/2024 at 1:37 PM, ROFL BOX said:

Mom is having an L2 ~ L3 Xlist / Laminectomy on Fridsy.

I took her to the pre-op clearance yesterday. Serious business for a neatly 79 year old lady.

Doc says she needs 1:1 assistance for 3 days post discharge, yet this is only an overnight stay in the hospital & unless you're IN the hospital for 3 days, a rehab type "nursing home" facility is not approved.

Hell, when she had her knee replaced she was able to get approved for that same type of rehab stay... & this one is spine related.


 

I'm Sorry.

 

I'm now in the middle of this in a way that is cascading pretty damn quickly.

Dad has been a rock physically and mentally. They have been fiercely independent, but something changed at Christmas and my Dad starting having severe back pain.  Of course he didn't communicate with me the severity beyond "it's still bothering me."  I call him about two weeks about and he is in screaming agony when I called.  Apparently this level of pain is what "still bothering" meant.  But now instead of a few minutes of  white poker pain it's sometimes hours.  He is also my mom's caregiver as she has dementia but was in decent physical shape.  The decline in her is clearly observable physically, because as Dad's pain became unbearable, his care for her declined precipitously.   Got him in last week to bone and joint doc, got the MRI, he got an Epidural shot, and I went home for a day.  Next day mom fall's apparently upstairs and neighbors come over he tells me.  I say "I will be back in A&M."  He then calls me about 9:30 that evening (I had dinner with my sis to talk about the future with them).  Explains to me that "I need to write this down his blood pressure  is 92 over 65, and his heart rate is 177!!!  I am telling him shut up, and call 911.  

I talk with EMS during all the commotion and they are explaining to just take it easy coming up, he is stable and heading to ER.  I then ask, "What about my Mom?" You cold hear the incredulity in his voice, "Your Mom is here?"  She had her hearing aids out and the commotion did not register for her at all.  So the problem is trying to juggle Dad in the hospital (soon to be released) and Mom who is out of it a lot and sleeping a LOT apparently since Dad. So she has declined markedly and getting her as close to what she was a month ago is now my primary goal.  As that is something I can influence.  Dad's out of the hospital, actually the first epidural did give him a little relief, but not much.  In the hospital he was feeling pretty good, but IV pain meds may have had something to do with that.  Good news was he got into the wheel chair to leave, which is something that caused him writhing agony previously.

My lovely wife has found a memory care bed for my Mom that we have 30 days to move into here in Austin.  That's step one to getting them both closer.  My life is basically on hold, but thank God that I don't have a boss to answer to telling me what to do with my time.  The goal is to get mom moved to memory as healthy as I can make her, and get my Dad into an independent or assisted living depending on how this back pain issue works out.  I walked into the hospital and he was talking to a doc and intern and he was completely breaking down.  Watching his wife deteriorate over the last couple years, and now his ongoing extreme back pain, combined with a lack of sleep (has not laid down prone in over a month) just had him sobbing.  But he needs to talk to me or somebody, and I think he doesn't want to "burden me" with his problems.  But they are my problems too!  And we all need to have somebody to talk to in stressful time.  Just talking about it and crying can help, it really can.

The great news is Dad's brain is still there, and they have financial means to get them in a good situation once all this shakes out.  But once all this works out I will end up the point guy on a remodel of their place on Lake Belton.  As a bonus Dad has an aortic aneurysm that I think they said was 5.5 centimeters, that he had declined to have surgery on before.  But I think he is reconsidering and might get the surgery if he can get this back pain to a manageable level. But that is a long way out right now.

So I am in the beginning of what may be a long journey. But if I can get them both closer to me, it will be a lot easier to get them support and more importantly be able to visit with them both and bring a little joy into their lives.  Right now this is more important to me than anything else.  And while mentally and physically the travel, stress and lack of sleep are taking their toll on me, whatever the cost to me, they we great parents and deserve the best from me now in their greatest time of need. I am lucky that at least I have a sister who will help some.  But most of the actual work and time is gonna fall on me.  

 

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Large hematoma (bruise) on 60% of her back & hemoglobin is a bit low, so trying to get that stabilized. This will probably get her that needed 3 nights in- patient. Rehab will be a skilled facility in Kyle.

She forgot to bring her CPAP & respiratory brought one to the room. Her home bedside unit is maybe 5" tall, 9" deep × 18× long. The one RT brought is the size of a rollaway tool chest (but probably cost less than a fully stocked Snap-On or Cromwell box).

[Nice Guy Eddie 13508]

23 hours ago, horn4life said:

I'm Sorry.

 

I'm now in the middle of this in a way that is cascading pretty damn quickly.

Dad has been a rock physically and mentally. They have been fiercely independent, but something changed at Christmas and my Dad starting having severe back pain.  Of course he didn't communicate with me the severity beyond "it's still bothering me."  I call him about two weeks about and he is in screaming agony when I called.  Apparently this level of pain is what "still bothering" meant.  But now instead of a few minutes of  white poker pain it's sometimes hours.  He is also my mom's caregiver as she has dementia but was in decent physical shape.  The decline in her is clearly observable physically, because as Dad's pain became unbearable, his care for her declined precipitously.   Got him in last week to bone and joint doc, got the MRI, he got an Epidural shot, and I went home for a day.  Next day mom fall's apparently upstairs and neighbors come over he tells me.  I say "I will be back in A&M."  He then calls me about 9:30 that evening (I had dinner with my sis to talk about the future with them).  Explains to me that "I need to write this down his blood pressure  is 92 over 65, and his heart rate is 177!!!  I am telling him shut up, and call 911.  

I talk with EMS during all the commotion and they are explaining to just take it easy coming up, he is stable and heading to ER.  I then ask, "What about my Mom?" You cold hear the incredulity in his voice, "Your Mom is here?"  She had her hearing aids out and the commotion did not register for her at all.  So the problem is trying to juggle Dad in the hospital (soon to be released) and Mom who is out of it a lot and sleeping a LOT apparently since Dad. So she has declined markedly and getting her as close to what she was a month ago is now my primary goal.  As that is something I can influence.  Dad's out of the hospital, actually the first epidural did give him a little relief, but not much.  In the hospital he was feeling pretty good, but IV pain meds may have had something to do with that.  Good news was he got into the wheel chair to leave, which is something that caused him writhing agony previously.

My lovely wife has found a memory care bed for my Mom that we have 30 days to move into here in Austin.  That's step one to getting them both closer.  My life is basically on hold, but thank God that I don't have a boss to answer to telling me what to do with my time.  The goal is to get mom moved to memory as healthy as I can make her, and get my Dad into an independent or assisted living depending on how this back pain issue works out.  I walked into the hospital and he was talking to a doc and intern and he was completely breaking down.  Watching his wife deteriorate over the last couple years, and now his ongoing extreme back pain, combined with a lack of sleep (has not laid down prone in over a month) just had him sobbing.  But he needs to talk to me or somebody, and I think he doesn't want to "burden me" with his problems.  But they are my problems too!  And we all need to have somebody to talk to in stressful time.  Just talking about it and crying can help, it really can.

The great news is Dad's brain is still there, and they have financial means to get them in a good situation once all this shakes out.  But once all this works out I will end up the point guy on a remodel of their place on Lake Belton.  As a bonus Dad has an aortic aneurysm that I think they said was 5.5 centimeters, that he had declined to have surgery on before.  But I think he is reconsidering and might get the surgery if he can get this back pain to a manageable level. But that is a long way out right now.

So I am in the beginning of what may be a long journey. But if I can get them both closer to me, it will be a lot easier to get them support and more importantly be able to visit with them both and bring a little joy into their lives.  Right now this is more important to me than anything else.  And while mentally and physically the travel, stress and lack of sleep are taking their toll on me, whatever the cost to me, they we great parents and deserve the best from me now in their greatest time of need. I am lucky that at least I have a sister who will help some.  But most of the actual work and time is gonna fall on me.  

 

Sorry to hear about this. One thing to remember is that there isn’t always the perfect solution for the elderly. Many cannot be fully healed. Do the best you can but accept realities.

[partytimesausage 27]

Random FYI:  My parents are 70sih and got hit with/ fell for one of those stupid ass phone scams.  For the people with older parents, its always good to kind of review the dos and donts of the internet, silence unknown calls on cell phones, get rid of the spam filled land line and to emphasize there is almost no reason to ever send a fucking wire of cash somewhere.  

And the hardest/saddest part was that they still think its a legit deal.  The department of justice has a division that talks to the olds about the scams and helps them realize it.  My olds didnt want to hear it from me.

 

onwards.

 

 

[Jerry Callo 8698]

Mom got caught in a computer scam.  Clicked on something and alarms started blaring.  Eventually found someone to assist her which included several telephone calls and her have a picture taken on a signed, blank check.  She didn't call me until after doing that.  Scrambled around for about 4 hours locking down credit cards and bank accounts.  Fortunately, she didn't lose anything. 

Afterwards, she met with a guy from the senior center that helped secure her computer from future scams.  He installed a free service from Avast that protected her browser.  The free service ended up costing much more than the original scam.  Avast kept sending popups about services that she needed.  Turns out, she paid for hundreds of dollars worth of VPN services, multiple computer protections, etc.  Some of the services had multiple, auto-renew subscriptions.  None of which she needed.  I was eventually able to get the subscriptions cancelled and the auto-renews stopped.  It took over a year to get all of that completely stopped because she had subscriptions through two different accounts. 

I'm not sure which is worse - fraudulent scammers or the legitimate scammers.   

 

[Nice Guy Eddie 13508]

Scams are starting to get worse with AI. AI will be able to seamlessly generate conversations with seniors. Whether it's impersonating family members or someone offering them help.

AI can also mimic a person's voice by only hearing a certain number of words. In some near-term future, an AI could call someone's elderly parents and pretend to be their child or grandchild who needs their credit card #. Elderly (or all of us) won't even be able to trust their own ears.

[Nice Guy Eddie 13508]

24 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Mom got caught in a computer scam.  Clicked on something and alarms started blaring.  Eventually found someone to assist her which included several telephone calls and her have a picture taken on a signed, blank check.  She didn't call me until after doing that.  Scrambled around for about 4 hours locking down credit cards and bank accounts.  Fortunately, she didn't lose anything. 

Afterwards, she met with a guy from the senior center that helped secure her computer from future scams.  He installed a free service from Avast that protected her browser.  The free service ended up costing much more than the original scam.  Avast kept sending popups about services that she needed.  Turns out, she paid for hundreds of dollars worth of VPN services, multiple computer protections, etc.  Some of the services had multiple, auto-renew subscriptions.  None of which she needed.  I was eventually able to get the subscriptions cancelled and the auto-renews stopped.  It took over a year to get all of that completely stopped because she had subscriptions through two different accounts. 

I'm not sure which is worse - fraudulent scammers or the legitimate scammers.   

 

I might have shared this on this thread but my mom was hit by "legit scammers" who helped her get a new social security card. $100 to fill out a form. By all accounts they didn't attempt to use her SS# to do anything wrong. They just overcharged her for an already free service.