Senior Citizen Issues - Assisting Your Parents

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Rr: scams against the Olds, I wanna click the "Rage +1" however Tapa only gives a "Like" option.

& Now I'm headed over to the rehab in Kyle where Mom was just transferred to post surgery (her 3rd night @ Saint David's qualified for the rehab place vs. dumping her @ home).

[horn4life 3759]

Sort of just typing cathartically. Lots of pluses and some real lows of helplessness on Dad's pain.

Overall I have to say that both of them are "better" in that there are periods my Dad is basically pain free, and Mom is much improved.  She had a UTI, and it is quite frankly mind boggling the cognitive toll it was taking on her.  I was questioning the costs between nursing home and memory care, she was so unresponsive.  She's never going to be who she was, but with dementia you just have to enjoy the moment while you still have it, IMHO.  I know it's only downhill for both of them, but damn I haven't been around them this much in years, and it's beautiful that they still love each other so much.  They really were a good example for me.

Dad was actually pain free the whole afternoon, when I came back Sunday.  Then he tried to poop on their low ass toilets... and he caused the nerve to flair and fucked up his night.   Next day he was in periodic pain, but also good pain free periods, and more mobility when pain free.  Today was day one of 4 days of Doc appointments which all require and in and out of the car that I can't help but think is not helpful to the back pain.  But now I also believe that a concern is that his aortic aneurysm has gone from 5 to 5.5 mm in the last 6 months. They expected more like .1 per year.  And I just looked up "size of aortic aneurysm" and looks like they feel you need to operate at 5.5mm or above. So now I think that there is going to be a real fear of the second epidural shot, as his I think his blood pressure was like 200 over 130?  Memory is so foggy now, but it was as crazy high.  So the pain could actually kill him is sort of where I see the concern going.

Post op appt today, vascular tomorrow (today in 10 minutes), Joint/pain Wed and Primary on Thursday.  It's an ordeal to get them both fed, straightened up, and into the car with enough lead time for me not to be stressed about the getting them out of the car and to where we need to go at the hospital/clinic.  But at least I hope I have a better picture of what is what.

Unfortunately I got to witness basically almost two straight hours of agony tonight.  No position sitting or standing could relive the pain.  Basically constantly puffing in pain like giving birth, to the point of exhaustion.  I finally convinced him to try to lie down as if he could ever find a spot lying down where he wasn't dying he might be able to get some rest.  Just gnarly ass continual pain with even winces beyond that level.  It was tough to watch, and while we have been trying to keep the opioid use as low as possible, thank God for hydrocodone, as it is now finally allowing him some respite from the agony.  

I was about to write that tomorrow is a new day, but now today is tomorrow... On the bright side Dad's been asleep in pain free for all of today's 8 minutes.  Gotta keep hope!

[Mrs Whiggins 13050]

With respect to the UTI. This happened with my late mother, and it can catch one off guard. While I was aware that they're more common in females, I didn't realize that sometimes the only symptom in an elderly person IS the cognitive decline. I've only ever had one, and it burned like crazy. So, with a patient with dementia, I can see why the presentation would be confusing to observe. Best of luck to you and your parents; it's a tough and stressful time.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

I don't recall if we have any Physical Therapists in the group, however if we do - please comment:  One of the best things you can do for both your parent & yourself is to go to a PT appointment & ask the PT to show you the various methods of patient transfer, assisting in getting up from a wheelchair 9lock wheels, swing footrests away or fully remove, get wheelchair closer to the transfer point) or regular chair, moving up higher in the bed / roll to side & partially remove sheets / roll 189 back & then remove the sheet - repeat to install a new sheet, how to get someone off the floor when they are mostly cognizant but not able to assist much, how to transition into & out of vehicles that are different heights / door swing capabilities, etc.

Back in the early 90's, I was a Physical Therapy Aide in  hospital setting & was instructed on all of these things because I was the person going to a patient room & bringing them down for whatever their PT needs were & then taking the patient back to their room.

These lessons have served me well both to assist the individual in need AND to save my back / neck, etc.  Back around 8 years ago, I was able to assist a nearly 300 lb. person who had tripped.  Just me.  Scooped them up like I was a bantamweight bodybuilder.

Focus on your body position, their body position, foot position for both of you, arm locations (where on their shoulder or neck or under arm you place yours), how to instruct them, a countdown on what you're going to do & how you intend to do things so they know what to expect, etc.

There is far too much to explain in a Shag² post & I'm certain there are YouTube vids available however nothing beats physical 1:1 instruction.  This ain't a tutorial on how to change oil or thread a needle.

Last night I assisted the RN @ Mom's rehab facility to get her moved higher up in the bed (one on each side) & about an hour earlier I transitioned her from the chair into her bed - easy peasy with experience.

[dcbc 14465]

On 2/6/2024 at 8:13 AM, Mrs Whiggins said:

With respect to the UTI. This happened with my late mother, and it can catch one off guard. While I was aware that they're more common in females, I didn't realize that sometimes the only symptom in an elderly person IS the cognitive decline. I've only ever had one, and it burned like crazy. So, with a patient with dementia, I can see why the presentation would be confusing to observe. Best of luck to you and your parents; it's a tough and stressful time.

 

We had one really do a number on my mom a couple of years ago.  They have become somewhat frequent and we tend to notice the cognitive symptoms and get her tested frequently.  She takes a prophylactic antibiotic now, which helps a little bit.  But on the bad one, it reached the point where I had to sign a DNR and refuse life-support intervention for her since we didn't have her directives and living will on us at that instant.  Not a fun moment, but she always has made her desires on that front known and would haunt me if I did otherwise.  And while I'm fine with that, as her son, putting pen to paper on it in the moment was very hard.

[horn4life 3759]

Just a check in.  Hell I had to go back and look at my post, to figure out the timeline of my recent existence though the fog. 

Well Epidural sort of worked on Dad, the was definitely some degree of reduced pain, and duration of pain.  Not saying I haven't had some hairy nights over the last two weeks but more sleep and better management of meds and addition of medical style tempurpedic mattress that seems to help. Two weeks ago was 4 days in a row of appointments. Like herding cats I joke,  Mom's baby steps and general curiosity have her usually in lead cat position into the car.  Then a quick flip around of the car for front seat access for Dad and he makes his way in, knowing that he is gonna get a nice shock of pain trying to get in.  If he is already in agony this process can be extra time consuming.  I allow for a ton of extra time, and still I am sometimes barely making appointments I simply cannot miss.  Add to that, that their actual fucking cat escaped on one of these loadings when I was absolutely running out of time cushion. Plus my mom wants to feed the cat from her plate which, is an ongoing issue, in more wys than one.

Good news is that Dad is having a procedure putting some blocks in on the right side I think at L3-5, might be L2-5.  If these work then do the other side of the spine, whenever the insurance gate opens back up.  Then do radio frequency ablation, which basically sears the nerve at the point of pain reception and its good for 9-14 months.  I am praying for this to give some relief and this is where the doc though we would end up.  i think going into the hospital, may have actually helped speed past one step in the insurance gatekeeper course of action.  So there's hope, but damn I/he need some actual tangible results.  My Dad of course is bearing the emotional brunt of all this stuff coming fast.  But the truth is that is only because they resisted for years, the idea of coming together and moving into independent living near us.  Now it's a no choice situation at nearly twice the cash burn rate.  Steep price to pay for good sunsets, and a fucking cat. Mainly it was my Dad who wanted to stay and used my mom as the excuse to "not disrupt her." I know he's gonna have some push pack if he gets relief on the house and coming down to independent living, but I ready to be bad cop is I have to if I need to if that's the case.

Moving my Mom into memory care tomorrow, with the furniture coming down via my sis and her husband today.  She cracked last night with Dad, arguing about the House of all fucking things.  House is way down the road... but I guess fun to meaninglessly fight about. Considering I have uprooted my life and spend the past three weeks, all week doing the heavy lifting with only 48 hour reprieves has been tough.  If only for me not really having enough time to emotionally recharge and all the shit I am falling behind on.  The plus is I don't answer to a boss so I can take this time when I need it.  I think Mom is going to do fine in memory care if she does not initially become agitated at the change.  The ultimate goal however is to get them both together in independent living where he can help prompt her to do stuff, but to where he doesn't have to worry about preparing meals. That will save about $40+K a year I think. Maybe more, depending on Mom's actual level of care needed.  Sure wish they had listened to me begging.  I could have easily supported my Dad, gotten nursing assistance on not completely disrupted all of our lives.  But.... the cat....

I do think that my coaching soccer for neatly a decade, and helping so many other young coaches learn how to coach their teams, has helped me here.  You have to lead them not push them.  You have to slow things down a bit, and reinforce over and over the key points you are trying to make. Not in a harsh "that's the way it is!" But in more empathetic manner, lead them down the path they need to go.  Trying to mention over and over to my Mom about the change coming, but that you will be close and get to see me more!  Almost like the coaching "sandwich," where you give praise, criticism, praise, to get a negative across in a positive manner. If that makes sense.

Mainly just wanted to touch back and give and update and a thanks for your thoughts.  One funny thing did happen I have to mention.  My mom was getting evaluated by the nurse and one of the questions was, "Do you know what State you are in?  Mom paused a second, and said, "The state of confusion."  Damned if it wasn't a correct answer! 

Mainly if made me laugh.

 

Edited February 19 by horn4life

[horn4life 3759]

PS- when I meant 48 hour break that's on the weekend when my Sister has been covering for me.  So I am getting some support.  Hell I am glad I am not the one filling out the paperwork for the lease.  She called me asking about Mom's Social Security card, on a fucking memory care lease?  IF nothing else, this has all made me realize I need to get my own shit a lot more together for my wife and kids should I drop dead or become incapacitated.  Actually mainly if my wife and I both got killed in some sort of accident.  I just need a cleaner and more compete roadmap and probably need to put some other legal documents in place.

So that's probably a good lesson for all of us... but me especially!

 

 

[horn4life 3759]

Well here is where things stand for me now.  Got mom into a memory care in Cedar park in a great facility (great as such things go), but the burn rate on that is about $6K a month.  The plan I BEGGED them to do several years ago was assisted living in this same facility.  The cost would be about the same as what it's costing for mom alone, had they listened to me, my sister and anyone with a brain not named Mom and Dad.  It would have been much easier for me to assist them, hire help to assist them, and generally manage the situation without having to handle, not only their care but now the dissolution of their home, and all those choices will fall nearly entirely on me.  My sister is willing to help, but she does not have the compassion nor willingness to make personal sacrifice like I will.   My Dad noticed and was wanting to change their wills so that ultimately I would control the estate (if there is anything left). 

Interestingly my parents tried to "split the baby" on my parents wills, with me being the executor for my Dad, and sis for Mom.  Now that Dad Ithe only competent one) has seen things shake out he realizes who really was the best choice.  But I understand their decision then, not to want to appear to favor one child over the other.  But Dad now understands that I will be the one to do nearly all the heavy lifting, and my Sis is there, as long as it's not too inconvenient for her.  He was trying to call the attorney to make the changes, but I discouraged him from doing that, especially since he would be changing my Mom's will not his.  I may get fucked in the end, but again I am the guy trying to do the "right" thing.

Dad is still in pain, but I got a termpur-pedic bed delivered to my house in Austin, and moved him in with me last week.  My sister was sort of amazed, as she was going to be the one to take my mom in. Instead it was the $6K (the Lord has given us a miracle) option...  But I can't do anything but take him in at this point.  I could opt to chalk up another 5 grand a month to not have him at my home, but I can do a better job than anyone of getting him back.  Not that he will ever be 'back" completely, but functioning enough to be able to move into an independent living situation, and then move my Mom in with him.  This is all in the same place my Mom is already, so praying it will work out.  But damned if I am not turning out to be a hell of a nurse.  Dad was/is depressed, but I have been pushing him emotionally and physically.  My wife was commenting yesterday on how much better he is already doing after only 5 days here.  He is now getting up and walking religiously, and just getting up and down from sitting is helping his strength a lot. Plus I weened him off completely the hydrocodone.  He is gonna have pain, but the more he moves after being sedentary for nearly 2 months, he is regaining some of his mobility.  A week ago, honestly I was unsure if an independent living situation would even be an option.  Now I am thinking a couple more weeks with me and there is a real chance.

The negative is I am about to miss my favorite time of the year, SXSW down on Congress and the other Day and weekday music I love to see.  But the bright side is I am seeing progress, so hopefully my sacrifice will reap the rewards in the end.  On a bright note, we turned dad onto "Ted Lasso."  Which he was sure he was not going to like, before he got sucked in like everybody else.  He paid me a complement to my wife the other day, he told my wife that, "Steve is my Ted Lasso."  As I have tried to be a light of promise and possibility for him, when he was seeing nothing positive going forward.  I am making him adapt, rather than trying to change everything to make it easier for him, and he is Adapting to the mobility and the pain.

So while my life is completely compromised right now, I have great wife that understands the situation, and I can see my efforts reaping rewards.  Now I just need to get him in shape enough to be able to live "independently" without my full time help.  So for both of us there is a life at the end of the tunnel.  I just hope it's not the light of a freight train! 😉

[ROFL BOX 6647]

My Mom left me a voicemail message to tell me she was sending a text.

 

🤦‍♂️

[After irth 1243]

2 hours ago, horn4life said:

Well here is where things stand for me now.  Got mom into a memory care in Cedar park in a great facility (great as such things go), but the burn rate on that is about $6K a month.  The plan I BEGGED them to do several years ago was assisted living in this same facility.  The cost would be about the same as what it's costing for mom alone, had they listened to me, my sister and anyone with a brain not named Mom and Dad.  It would have been much easier for me to assist them, hire help to assist them, and generally manage the situation without having to handle, not only their care but now the dissolution of their home, and all those choices will fall nearly entirely on me.  My sister is willing to help, but she does not have the compassion nor willingness to make personal sacrifice like I will.   My Dad noticed and was wanting to change their wills so that ultimately I would control the estate (if there is anything left). 

Interestingly my parents tried to "split the baby" on my parents wills, with me being the executor for my Dad, and sis for Mom.  Now that Dad Ithe only competent one) has seen things shake out he realizes who really was the best choice.  But I understand their decision then, not to want to appear to favor one child over the other.  But Dad now understands that I will be the one to do nearly all the heavy lifting, and my Sis is there, as long as it's not too inconvenient for her.  He was trying to call the attorney to make the changes, but I discouraged him from doing that, especially since he would be changing my Mom's will not his.  I may get fucked in the end, but again I am the guy trying to do the "right" thing.

Dad is still in pain, but I got a termpur-pedic bed delivered to my house in Austin, and moved him in with me last week.  My sister was sort of amazed, as she was going to be the one to take my mom in. Instead it was the $6K (the Lord has given us a miracle) option...  But I can't do anything but take him in at this point.  I could opt to chalk up another 5 grand a month to not have him at my home, but I can do a better job than anyone of getting him back.  Not that he will ever be 'back" completely, but functioning enough to be able to move into an independent living situation, and then move my Mom in with him.  This is all in the same place my Mom is already, so praying it will work out.  But damned if I am not turning out to be a hell of a nurse.  Dad was/is depressed, but I have been pushing him emotionally and physically.  My wife was commenting yesterday on how much better he is already doing after only 5 days here.  He is now getting up and walking religiously, and just getting up and down from sitting is helping his strength a lot. Plus I weened him off completely the hydrocodone.  He is gonna have pain, but the more he moves after being sedentary for nearly 2 months, he is regaining some of his mobility.  A week ago, honestly I was unsure if an independent living situation would even be an option.  Now I am thinking a couple more weeks with me and there is a real chance.

The negative is I am about to miss my favorite time of the year, SXSW down on Congress and the other Day and weekday music I love to see.  But the bright side is I am seeing progress, so hopefully my sacrifice will reap the rewards in the end.  On a bright note, we turned dad onto "Ted Lasso."  Which he was sure he was not going to like, before he got sucked in like everybody else.  He paid me a complement to my wife the other day, he told my wife that, "Steve is my Ted Lasso."  As I have tried to be a light of promise and possibility for him, when he was seeing nothing positive going forward.  I am making him adapt, rather than trying to change everything to make it easier for him, and he is Adapting to the mobility and the pain.

So while my life is completely compromised right now, I have great wife that understands the situation, and I can see my efforts reaping rewards.  Now I just need to get him in shape enough to be able to live "independently" without my full time help.  So for both of us there is a life at the end of the tunnel.  I just hope it's not the light of a freight train! 😉

You are a machine.  And a good son.  

[Nice Guy Eddie 13509]

5 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

My Mom left me a voicemail message to tell me she was sending a text.

 

🤦‍♂️

I get long text messages from my mom with the last words being to ignore this message.  It's all one text message.

 

Edited March 4 by Nice Guy Eddie

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Mold allergies from all the recent Central Texas rain must be kicking up because I'm sorta teary over this one.

[horn4life 3759]

I was and am in the thick of this thread. My mom is worse, but in a good memory care place.  My Dad is there too, but in an independent living apartment and the burn rate is $10K between them both.  The good/bad news is that things are both good and bad! 

Dad is in a great place physically.  He was nearly immobile and in writhing agony in January, and I got him into an assisted with my Mon on May 27th before memorial day weekend.  Which allowed us to be able to feel comfortable to got to my Sister's Son's wedding in Philly on July 6th.  So after 6 relentless months some relief. All relatives known to man would be in NYC and Philly that July 4th week. So some degree of just relaxing, not thinging and enjoying,  BUT sorry to sidetrack,

 

This is when you know!

 

Off our rockers, actin' crazy
With the right medication we won't be lazy
Doin' the old folks boogie
Down on the farm
Wheelchairs, they was locked arm in arm
Paired off pacemakers with matchin' alarms
Gives us jus' one more chance
To spin one more yarn
And you know that you're over the hill
When your mind makes a promise that your body can't fill
Doin' the old folks boogie
And boogie we will
'Cause to us the thought's as good as a thrill
Back at the home,
No time is your own,
Facillities there, they're all out on loan
The bank forclose, and your bankruptcy shows
And your credit creeps to an all-time low
So you know, that you're over the hill
When your mind makes a promise that your body can't fill
Try and get a rise from an atrophied muscle,
And the nerves in your thigh just quivers and fizzles
So you know, that you're over the hill
When your mind makes a promise that your body can't fill

 

I guess my only hope now is to live long enough to be a burden to my children, and a concern with my antics at the independent living community... 

[Nice Guy Eddie 13509]

My mom always said that she never wanted to end up in a nursing home because she saw what life was like there for her mom. This was in the late 1980s-early 90s. Then my mom preceded to do nothing to keep herself healthy for the next 25+ years. In fact, she was actively unhealthy: smoking, drinking way too much, no exercise, etc.

She ended up immobile in an assisted living place hating life the last 2 years of her life. It didn't seem like much of a life to be honest.

I'm thinking about how I don't want to follow both of their paths. When I start to heavily decline, maybe I will take up non-parachute sky diving as a short term hobby.

Edited August 9 by Nice Guy Eddie

[closetohumping 17437]

Two thoughts.  I didn’t get my parents long term care.  Too late now. Will have to get so that I’m not a burden to my kids

[Nice Guy Eddie 13509]

1 hour ago, closetohumping said:

Two thoughts.  I didn’t get my parents long term care.  Too late now. Will have to get so that I’m not a burden to my kids

LTC insurance is very expensive and some of the payouts can be limited to only a handful of years now. Obviously you can always but great coverage for $$$$.

Feels like the only decent plans are ones that are offered in a group setting. You might be able to get better premiums and benefits in a group plan than buying individual. Unfortunately I believe it's getting rarer to find an employer who offers it.

[horn4life 3759]

I guess the one thing I can (LUCKILY) hold in my heart.  My parents truly did put my sister and I first.  My sisters lack of participation bothers me to a degree, but she's not tryly at fault as my willingness to jump in and not ask for help.  And I was in the emergency until 4 am last night.  Mom is in decline, and it's killing my dad to watch, but it is what it is.  I am so lucky as to have some time freedom. But the time suck and the pushing back of my priorities and life is brutal in that, click, click, click... and it will be gone.  But there is a an upside, in that I know I have done what I can and well as I can for them.  

My mom is declining, and my Dad is actually doing well overall.  the emotional weight of her decline may be tougher on him than  I hope he can mourn and move on.  But hell 3 of his 7 poker buddies have died, in the last month. But on the bright side he is getting the larger room of his first friend to die, and we have been waiting a while for that.

 

[thunderlounge 7815]

Every cloud has a silver lining?

[horn4life 3759]

1 hour ago, thunderlounge said:

Every cloud has a silver lining?

Yeah - I am just lucky I got them both down closer to me, it's tough but I would be surprised if my mom makes Christmas at this point.  I just hope she goes in her sleep.  About to get Hospice involved because then they take on a great deal of the care burden.  As an FYI data point for those of you unfamiliar with care costs.  I think the base price of my Mom's memory care room is $4200 and then her "level of care" was a 1 @$600.  Each level is another $600 a month, and with my mom's decline we were looking at a level 3 so $4200 + $1800.  If you have the doc write an order for hospice they come in a couple times a week, bathe her, and that will save my dad a level and $600. 

Sometime patients improve enough with the extra care and contact of hospice to go off hospice, but that's the exception. Anyhow that's today...

[horn4life 3759]

A couple more things. 

1). Totally agree with ROFL BOX regarding the suggestion of learning some ways to lift old people.  My mom's decline and follow up on a fall, had me needed to make multiple in and outs from car to wheel chair.  Her arm was hurting from the fall and she basically just wanted to sit where she was and closer her eyes.  Getting into the car initially she had some leg strength, but not the next two in and outs.  So like lifting basically dead weight.

2) Get Hospice involved as early as possible.  After trying to get emergency then fast followup care for her this week, and the logistics of trying to find available appointments, locations, and testing times outside of the facility was basically a very huge pain in the ass.  So what I am finding out is that you don't really need an order from the primary doctor, you just have to (as the guardian) agree to have the hospice Dr. become her primary, then it's all medicare from there on.  Mainly they get the blood work, bring in an X-ray machine rather than you hauling then hither and yonder.  So that is HUGE from my time perspective.

Anyhow prayers for all of you trying to do your best by your parents!

 

 

[Nice Guy Eddie 13509]

Hospice care was great with my mom. A doctor is supposed to sign off that the main medical condition is likely to lead to death within 6 months but it’s not like hospice care ends at 6 months. It last can years.

the downside is that you effectively give up curative care but you can also drop hospice whenever you want. Then if you want to return to hospice, you can. 

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Best of luck to you, Eddie.

[Saint Tacky 1614]

I wish I had come across this thread sooner. This all feels so personal—dealing with parents, UTIs, hospice care, etc.  We said goodbye to my Mom last month, and I still can't write this without getting teary-eyed. I’m constantly aware of how many times a day I think of something to tell my Mom or have a question I wish she could answer.

My brother, who was the first responder by default, because he lived nearby, truly deserves a medal. He, like horn4life, stepped up in so many ways over the years, far beyond what anyone could have expected would be needed. I've never been prouder of him. What I've learned from these past few years is to always expect the unexpected. There isn’t a flow chart or checklist in the world that can guide you perfectly from Point A to Point Z in situations like this. You learn from your mistakes and just hope you didn’t make too many, or worse, do something that impacts your parents' quality of life or hastens their decline. 

Now, the challenge we’re facing is that Dad never imagined he would outlive Mom. Everyone is guilty of assuming it would be the other way around. In his 80s now, he's always had bouts of depression throughout his adult life, but now it's worse than ever. I suppose he's earned it in a way. To his credit, he tries to put on a brave face when we're around or on the phone, but he sleeps most of the time and isn’t taking care of himself. My brother, once again, is doing his best. I try to get there as often as I can to relieve him, but as Dad's condition worsens, the odds are getting longer and the days fewer. 

Most people don't get to share as many years with both of their parents as I have been gifted. For that, I am grateful beyond words. Regardless, it's not easy to see them finally go.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

@Saint Tacky, I hope by typing that out it helped you to better deal with what you're going through.  Definitely not easy.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Not my Mom, but a friend of hers, 83 years old (or close to it).  Took her & my Mom to the Spectrum store in Sunset Valley (Brodie Lane) so the friend could get a new phone (& also get some TexaDelphia).
Friend already had an Android but she was virus laden & supposedly there was no way to wipe it.
Anyhow, I explained to her prob. 6 times about her password (easy 4 digit info that is very relevant to her knowledge base).
After lunch & as we were dropping her off, I reviewed 4x what her PW is & how to enter it / had her repeat the process each time.
 
4 Days later, I get a call: "Hi, I finally figured out how to unlock my phone.  I can make calls now."
 
( s i g h )