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Posted
3 minutes ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

I'm pretty sure one guy told his story via Photoshop, and it was one of the funniest things I've ever read. 

that was the birth of the legend of @THUJONE

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Posted

Early 2000s and at a work dinner with prospective clients, I was sitting next to a wall that was basically a mirror. Anyways, I got up to excuse myself and bumped “into myself” and said excuse me - I’m sorry.

My group never let me forget about that over the next decade. Too many Old Fashions pre-meal.

Hook’em!!!

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Posted

I ruined a surprise party for a girl in high school. It was comically bad. And then I couldn't even go to the party.

Fortunately she was cool about it and wound up being part of our stoner circle.

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Posted (edited)

Not my worst moment, that will take some reflection. 
 

But Priscilla asked our new neighbor when she is due.  She was not pregnant.  It’s been an awkward 10 years. 
 

Priscilla says that’s the only time she has made that goof. Great move with a permanent neighbor. 
 

Edit to add:  neighbor chick lost quite a bit of weight.  Welcome to the neighborhood!

Edited by Elvis
Posted
4 minutes ago, Dbeasy said:

In junior high, I went to band camp in Lubbock at Texas Tech. They made a huge deal about not fraternizing with the opposite sex. 

Well, I got caught one night making out with a girl outside between buildings. The punishment? I was called up on stage in front of 5,000 fellow campers, and forced to make out with the girl. It was a brutal embarrassment.

Interesting side note though. The girl ended up six years later becoming Miss Lubbock in the State of Texas beauty pageant. So I’ve got that going for me. 

Somehow your avatar fits your story.

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Posted

Eighth grade and I'm in a room with 40ish other students for a Junior NHS meeting. Perfectly timed with a pause in the talking by the teacher in the front of the room, I have a very audible fart slip past the defenses. 

Blessedly, it was not a stinker, but that was mortifying. 

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Posted
2 hours ago, Elvis said:

But Priscilla asked our new neighbor when she is due.  She was not pregnant.

a woman could be in the stirrups and crowning and you still don’t ask her if she’s pregnant.  get your woman in line. 

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Posted
2 hours ago, Dbeasy said:

In junior high, I went to band camp in Lubbock at Texas Tech. They made a huge deal about not fraternizing with the opposite sex. 

Well, I got caught one night making out with a girl outside between buildings. The punishment? I was called up on stage in front of 5,000 fellow campers, and forced to make out with the girl. It was a brutal embarrassment.

Interesting side note though. The girl ended up six years later becoming Miss Lubbock in the State of Texas beauty pageant. So I’ve got that going for me. 

Wonder what would have happened had you been caught getting a beej?  Or in flagrante delicto.

Posted

I have a very recent one. In December my wife,  mother in law,  son, and wife's brother all went out to local pizza place for dinner.  Just to back up a bit,  my son is autistic and goes to an autism school in the same area.  Anyway,  we're eating dinner and at the table next to me there is a boy about my sons age and he goes to my sons school.  I am so sure of it that I break out the class dojo app and find a picture and it's him. So my wife tells me to go say hello to the dad.  I'm a couple beers in and sufficiently lubricated so I make my way over. I tap the dad on the shoulder and ask "Does your son go the autism school?" He gives me the absolute death stare and says 'no'. At that point I'm stunned and don't know what to say. Think I may have muttered something like 'I've seen him hanging with my kid'... Anyway the death stare continues. I just go back to my seat and never turn my head in their direction again.  My brother in law astutely chimed in and said "you probably should have led with 'what school does your son go to?'". Instead I basically did the equivalent of "are you pregnant?" 

 

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Posted
29 minutes ago, Thetexashammer said:

This is vicarious embarrassment, however it's totally true.

During a workplace spanish class, I'm sitting next to my buddy who lost his ring finger falling off a ladder when his wedding ring got hooked on the ladder or whatever. Instructor says "cuantos dedos tienes" and looks at him. I am sitting next to him and see the train wreck coming. I immediately start dying on the inside as he responds "nueve". She says "no no no, diez". I am dying and eventually can't control myself. He says "nueve". She responds "diez" again. I am physically and audibly losing my shit. He holds up his hand. Instructor proceeds to turn extremely green with shame.

It was one of the most truly hilarious things I've ever seen.

That's fantastic!

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Posted

Many years ago I was flying back and forth from Honolulu to Austin as my dad was terminally ill with about a year to live. (Wait, wait, it gets even funnier.) So I would basically leave Honolulu on Thursday night and fly back Saturday or Sunday, just to try and sort out as many things as I could in person. As you can imagine, it was totally exhausting physically and emotionally. So I get to the Austin airport for my return flight one weekend, and I'm checking into the flight at the kiosk, and it's not working. I go to the counter and I really had no patience or threshold anymore, given everything that was going on with my dad and my sleep, so I kind of unloaded on the agent. "Your machine is broken and I just need to check into the flight and get the hell home, and it would be a lot easier if you guys knew how to run an airline, but of course your machine won't let me check in" or something super rude along those lines. He asked for my info, punched it into the computer, and politely replied, "The reason you can't check into your flight is because it left yesterday." 

Total humiliation. I immediately snapped back to reality, apologized profusely, explained the situation, and the agent was super nice and got me on that day's flight after all. I learned two things through that experience -- never assume you know why someone is being a total asshole, and even though it's completely exhausting, do whatever you can to spend time with your friends and family. But the embarrassment of that situation still haunts me -- I really made an ass of myself. 

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Posted
15 hours ago, Underdog said:

First night the wife and I were “together” I called her by her sister’s name. Yeah, ended up rubbing one out that night. 
 

Another time I was working as a bagger at HEB when I mistakenly put some dude’s booze in another customer’s cart.  Asshole tried to yell at me but I had my ear piece off. 

You don’t mess with a man’s Pearl beer. 

Posted
On 2/22/2025 at 4:43 PM, MissingInAction said:

How about biggest asshole moments?

Like when I yelled at the HEB bagger when he put my booze in another person's cart, Wtf dude, are you deaf?!

He turns to me and pointed at his hearing aid.

Hey, it's not like you threw a beer at him and hit him in the junk...

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Posted
On 2/22/2025 at 5:18 PM, Dbeasy said:

In junior high, I went to band camp in Lubbock at Texas Tech. They made a huge deal about not fraternizing with the opposite sex. 

Well, I got caught one night making out with a girl outside between buildings. The punishment? I was called up on stage in front of 5,000 fellow campers, and forced to make out with the girl. It was a brutal embarrassment.

Interesting side note though. The girl ended up six years later becoming Miss Lubbock in the State of Texas beauty pageant. So I’ve got that going for me. 

image.gif.a565d84e8dfbfc58c4263e3436479244.gif

Posted
On 2/22/2025 at 9:25 PM, Thetexashammer said:

This is vicarious embarrassment, however it's totally true.

During a workplace spanish class, I'm sitting next to my buddy who lost his ring finger falling off a ladder when his wedding ring got hooked on the ladder or whatever. Instructor says "cuantos dedos tienes" and looks at him. I am sitting next to him and see the train wreck coming. I immediately start dying on the inside as he responds "nueve". She says "no no no, diez". I am dying and eventually can't control myself. He says "nueve". She responds "diez" again. I am physically and audibly losing my shit. He holds up his hand. Instructor proceeds to turn extremely green with shame.

It was one of the most truly hilarious things I've ever seen.

My dad was substitute teaching and looked up to see one of the students with their bare feet on their desk. Figured that someone was screwing with the sub and told the kid to put his shoes on and pay attention. 

No one told him about the student who lost both his arms in a tractor accident when he was 7... Dude was a FFA star, helped his parents run their own farm, and drove himself to school every day. 

Pop said he wanted to crawl under the school out of embarrassment 

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Posted
5 hours ago, blacklab said:

I went skiing with my dad, stepmom, stepbrothers and their kids ranging in age from 18-4. 

Me and the kids were good skiers while everyone else wasn't so good so I skied with the kids for most of the trip.

One day I'm on the lift with a 10 year old and a 12 year old was on the chair in front of us. He's going nuts banging his poles against the chair like a drummer. I yell out "did you not take your Ritalin today?" The 10 year old busts out laughing. Instead of turning left to ski like we agreed to the 12 year old gets off the lift and heads right towards our condos.

I don't think too much of it and ski with the other kids for a few hours and head back to the condo about 5. I walk in and my stepbrother puts a finger in my chest and says "I need to talk to you" and I follow him into a bedroom.

He starts off with "I don't know what you joke about in your family but in this family we don't joke about Ritalin." Apparently he headed back to the condo after my joke and cried the rest of the afternoon. He then goes on to tell me the story of the 12 year old, having taken it since first grade and because they lived in a shit ass small town with terrible teachers most of the teachers would announce to the whole class when kids had to take their ritalin and make them take it in front of everyone and give them shit for being weak and needing drugs to behave right. He asks me to apologize to his son and not make any more jokes about it.

I go out and apologize to the 12 year old, he admits he needs to stop being so sensitive and knows I had no way of knowing his back story so it was fine. The rest of the week any time some sensitive/family/embarrassing situation or subject came up one of my stepbrothers would turn to me and say "Bob you want to go ahead and make a joke about this and make one of the other kids cry?"

 

Well? Did you??

Posted (edited)

Posted this in the shart thread back in 2021.  Definitely my moment in the sun ignominy.

 

Edited by nnm
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Posted
10 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

Well? Did you??

I did not. But I really really wanted to.

They were a bunch of huck a bucks from somewhere out in the boonies near Denton. Completely fucking crazy bunch of idiots.

My dad and the mom were divorced a few months later. My dad and her never argued about a thing and both seemed happy. One day she just told my dad to get the fuck out and they got divorced. Dad never saw it coming and her sons tried to talk some sense into her but she was done. Never gave my dad or her sons a reason.

Posted
On 2/22/2025 at 10:42 PM, honolulu horn said:

Many years ago I was flying back and forth from Honolulu to Austin as my dad was terminally ill with about a year to live. (Wait, wait, it gets even funnier.) So I would basically leave Honolulu on Thursday night and fly back Saturday or Sunday, just to try and sort out as many things as I could in person. As you can imagine, it was totally exhausting physically and emotionally. So I get to the Austin airport for my return flight one weekend, and I'm checking into the flight at the kiosk, and it's not working. I go to the counter and I really had no patience or threshold anymore, given everything that was going on with my dad and my sleep, so I kind of unloaded on the agent. "Your machine is broken and I just need to check into the flight and get the hell home, and it would be a lot easier if you guys knew how to run an airline, but of course your machine won't let me check in" or something super rude along those lines. He asked for my info, punched it into the computer, and politely replied, "The reason you can't check into your flight is because it left yesterday." 

Total humiliation. I immediately snapped back to reality, apologized profusely, explained the situation, and the agent was super nice and got me on that day's flight after all. I learned two things through that experience -- never assume you know why someone is being a total asshole, and even though it's completely exhausting, do whatever you can to spend time with your friends and family. But the embarrassment of that situation still haunts me -- I really made an ass of myself. 

That's one of those times where the circumstances matter. That you apologized afterwards makes all the difference. I wouldn't worry about that one.

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Posted

At a football tailgate some of the food and drinks got the best of me and I had to shit and there was no holding it in until I got into the stadium, so I was forced to use the port-a-johns.  After waiting in the 30+ deep line at the row of shitters I finally got my turn and it was pretty explosive and not very clean.  With the subpar toilet paper it took 8 or 9 wipes to get the job done.  Just as I am standing up to pull my pants back up this fat bitch pulls on the door so hard that it opens up (even with the little dial turned to occupied) and there I was in front of the crowd exposing myself to everyone because some tub of lard was impatient.    

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Posted

I was witness this the one.

 

I was in high school english class and we were going over latin and greek roots.  'ped' is one that has a few different meanings.  it can mean 'foot' -- pedal, pedicure. it can mean child - pediatrician.  it can mean other stuff too.  anyhow, teacher was droning about the various words.  everyone is doodling on their notebooks and whatever, not paying attention. teacher wants to demonstrate combination of roots - ped (child) and agog (leader) -- to talk about him being a teacher  (pedagogy/pedagogue). so he declares in the clearest of voices, trying to combine those roots: "i, for instance, am a pedophile."  my head shoots up from my desk, no one else reacts. he looks right at me processing what he just said.  "that is NOT what i meant!"

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Posted

I once told the guys at Id Software that their games with actually good gameplay like Commander Keen were better than their tech demos like Wolfenstein 3D.

Thanks to Google dropping support for Usenet, it would seem that the Internet DOES forget some things.

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Posted

Around that same time... freshman year...

I had a massive course load my first semester. My parents were in town for football and, being loaded, were staying at the Four Seasons. So I head down there on Friday, and between the course load, my first semester away from home, etc I'm just zonked. Talking to myself, getting lost in places I'm familiar with, just stressed beyond silliness.

I park my car in the garage, head to the lounge to give my parents a hug, then head over to the desk to get my parking validation as a guest of a guest (don't know if they still are, but they were really cool about it then).

Now, my intention was to go back to my car to put the validated ticket in it, but being out of it, I find myself standing by the room elevators instead of the garage elevators.

This is not the embarrassing thing yet. I realize my mistake, and wander over to the garage elevators. As I pass by the concierge desk, I tell a guy sitting there, "Now THIS is the right elevator."

So I head over to them and hit the call button, and while I'm waiting, a thought finally makes its way through the muck of my exhausted brain: That guy looked like Eric Clapton.

I take a quick peek again as I step onto the elevator. Well, whaddya know. Eric Clapton.

He didn't seem very pleased. Granted, this was mere months after his son died, and he was in town for an honorary concert for SRV's death just a year prior, so you wouldn't expect him to be in the best of sorts to begin with, to say nothing of some dumb teen randomly bothering him at the fucking Four Seasons with some random out of context bullshit.

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Posted

My first week working at a restaurant, I was to mop the kitchen as part of closing duty. Very eager, I found this cool stuff to mix in the mop water. Manager said after mopping I could dump the water out back and leave when finished.

Apparently Murphy's Oil Soap is not used for mopping ANYTHING. The morning staff were slipping around like they had roller skates on ice. They had to re-mop the kitchen 4 times with boiling water before it was safe to walk on, and there were still areas that were slippery 3 days later.

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Posted (edited)

It should surprise nobody that I could probably dominate this thread.

Fast forward a couple of years; my parents are taking us on a tour of Europe that summer. We're skiing the Matterhorn in Zermatt, drinking beer in Salzburg, eating food that has paprika on everything in Budapest and finishing it off with Vienna. 

After some really amazing and unique hotels on the first three stops, we're going vanilla in Vienna with the downtown Marriott, but our rooms are in different parts of the hotel and different floors. Mom calls our room the night we check in to tell me to come get my ski boot bag; the cardboard box we'd carried things in was done.

Now I'm in my bright red pajamas ready for bed, and my bro is in the shower. I figure there's no point in changing clothes; it's not like I'm going to be leaving the hotel and strolling downtown Vienna in my red pajamas with my ski boot bag slung over my shoulder.

So, I head upstairs, go down a hall, down a hall, down a hall, down a hall... knock on my parents room, "Oh my yes, that box is done for." Grab my ski boot bag, go down a hall, down a hall, down a hall, and enter the stairway.

Did you catch it? Did you see what happened? Because I sure didn't at the time. I also didn't know what "notausgang" meant yet, despite having taken a year of German (of two) at Texas.

I go downstairs and find the door is locked. No problem; I'll just go back upstairs and... locked.

I check every door. Other than one leading to a penthouse/office of sorts at the top, the only door open... is the emergency exit leading out of the hotel.

That's what notausgang means, by the way.

I sit on the steps and think. I've only got one way to go: Out the door, around to the front, and back through the lobby. I'll keep my head down and if anyone asks, I'll just say I'm lost. And I'll just hope things aren't too busy.

On a busy road, at 8pm on a Saturday night, in downtown Vienna. Riiiiight.

So I sling the bag over my shoulder, make sure my shiny red pajamas are buttoned up tight, and step outside.

Right outside the door (I could see them before I left, the door was glass) were some similar-aged youths hanging out. One of them, a tall blond guy, asks me in a thick Southern California accent: "Are you Lenny Kravitz?"

I'm white.

I look up at him. "No. I'm lost."

I make my way down the street, and sure enough, downtown Vienna on a summer Saturday night is PACKED.

The hotel doorman didn't even flinch. I was far from the weirdest thing he'd seen.

The LOBBY was packed. Not just from people going out to/coming from their evening plans, but at least one major event going on in the ballroom next to the lobby.

Can I at least have the elevator to myself, NO, some man in a suit joins me.

"Good evening."

"Hello."

I get to my floor and a full family of Indians barges on before I can get off, as a final indignity before I'm at last able to make it to my room.

"Where were you?" my brother asks.

"I'm not going to give you the pleasure of telling you."

But almost immediately relieved that the whole thing was over, I called my parents and told THEM what happened. And they called me "Lenny" for the rest of the trip.

Turns out, he WAS in town that weekend for a show. Took a photo posing by a concert ad we saw in an underground mall the next day.

 

Edited by Rimbo
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Posted
33 minutes ago, Classic Rock said:

The morning staff were slipping around like they had roller skates on ice. They had to re-mop the kitchen 4 times with boiling water before it was safe to walk on, and there were still areas that were slippery 3 days later.

Sounds like Allsup's or Five Guys floors, perpetually.  

Posted
21 minutes ago, Rimbo said:

a tall blond guy, asks me in a thick Southern California accent: "Are you Lenny Kravitz?"

You were wearing red pajamas.  The dude was hitting on you.  He was asking if you were going his way.  

Posted
Just now, nnm said:

You were wearing red pajamas.  The dude was hitting on you.  He was asking if you were going his way.  

HAHAHAno. But I did get the red pajama connection. So other than being white, having straight blonde hair, having blue eyes, being scrawny as heck, and not knowing anything about playing guitar, I could see how he and I were the spitting image of Kravitz.

He was high AF and had some nice chicas with him. Was probably a safe space for a doobie. Definitely was not the question I was prepared for. I don't know how I could've been.

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Posted

7th grade football we practiced at some old baseball fields in a small town in VA.  I had the flu for a few days prior and tried to make practice too early.  

About 15 minutes into practice I tell the coach I need to sit down and he sends me over to one of the dugouts.  I'm getting dizzy and try to let out a fart but it was a mudslide.  Voice cracking I yelled out "Coach!"  He comes over and only asks one question.  "What street are you parents on?"  Mom comes back about 20 minutes later with the backseat covered in towels.  I roll in, she takes me home and i clean up.  I can't imagine the mess those football pants were.  

Great thing was coach told not a soul.  Had a few buddies ask what happened and I just said I got sick to my stomach.  

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Posted
2 hours ago, Rimbo said:

I once told the guys at Id Software that their games with actually good gameplay like Commander Keen were better than their tech demos like Wolfenstein 3D.

Thanks to Google dropping support for Usenet, it would seem that the Internet DOES forget some things.

"I don't see this doom thing working out, guys"

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Posted
3 hours ago, Rimbo said:

"Are you Lenny Kravitz?"

I'm white.

At least you got to be Lenny Kravitz. In France I was Colin Powell. I, too, am from the Land of Whites.

My theory is that if you don't grow up with 500 years of Detect If Someone Is Black or White, you notice obvious similarities. As in, if you had posed Colin Powell in a group photo with my dad, my son, and me, we'd all probably be related. Random French Dood in Bar saw it.

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Posted
3 minutes ago, RDCanecutter said:

At least you got to be Lenny Kravitz. In France I was Colin Powell. I, too, am from the Land of Whites.

My theory is that if you don't grow up with 500 years of Detect If Someone Is Black or White, you notice obvious similarities. As in, if you had posed Colin Powell in a group photo with my dad, my son, and me, we'd all probably be related. Random French Dood in Bar saw it.

I look a lot more like Jude Law, then and now, than I do Lenny Kravitz.

Also, this guy clearly wasn't a local.

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