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Posted

Senior prom.  I got drunker than I've probably been my entire life, which is saying something. A big part of the reason is that I hadn't eaten dinner because the restaurant took too long and we had to be back at the school because my date and I were on the prom court.  We went back to pick up our food but mine got dropped on the floor, so I had nothing to eat. Anyway, we're talking should-have-died-from-alcohol-poisoning-but-for-the-generations-of-my-ancestors-who-drank-their-asses-off-and-gave-me-sufficient-enzymes-to-process-the-alcohol type of drunk.  Next morning I'm still totally fucking wasted.  We had rented a house and everyone was still there in the morning.  I come out of the bedroom with just my boxers on and a giant hard-on.  This dude yells out, "Oh my God! He's got a hard-on!" Everyone saw it.

Posted
2 hours ago, SimonBolivar said:

I once texted my boss instead of my wife, "I miss you boo can't wait to go home and see you"

I did not miss my boss.


 

I assume calling your wife “Boo” was the embarrassing part?  

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Posted

Took my dog to the vet, and the female vet tech tries to take my dog's temperature the way one does with a dog.  My dog was not having it, and starts whining and shimmying forward to avoid the intrusion.  Trying to calm him down, I soothingly say "It's OK buddy, that would agitate me, too."  Except that is not what actually came out of my mouth.  What I actually said was "It's OK buddy, that would excite me too."

I did not speak another word to the vet tech during that visit. 

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Posted

Senior year in high school, we got a new head football coach. I was a returning starter.

We had a pep rally in the gym where he introduced the team one at a time as they ran on to the basketball court.

I was one of the last(or maybe the last) to get called and he fucking blanked on my name...despite us wearing our jerseys.

I was just standing there turning red. in front of the whole school.  After a few seconds that seemed like minutes, I, shaking my head and giving him the stinkeye, slowly walked over to my teammates who were all having a good laugh.

 

Fuck that guy.

 

I broke my ankle that year and missed the season aside from the last game.  He never even thought to put me in.  My teammates and another assistant coach convinced him.

I fucking hated that guy.  Fuck you coach Davis, I hope you're not resting in peace.

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Posted
1 hour ago, Tylerocks said:

Senior year in high school, we got a new head football coach. I was a returning starter.

We had a pep rally in the gym where he introduced the team one at a time as they ran on to the basketball court.

I was one of the last(or maybe the last) to get called and he fucking blanked on my name...despite us wearing our jerseys.

I was just standing there turning red. in front of the whole school.  After a few seconds that seemed like minutes, I, shaking my head and giving him the stinkeye, slowly walked over to my teammates who were all having a good laugh.

 

Fuck that guy.

 

I broke my ankle that year and missed the season aside from the last game.  He never even thought to put me in.  My teammates and another assistant coach convinced him.

I fucking hated that guy.  Fuck you coach Davis, I hope you're not resting in peace.

Ouch.  Coach hate burns you up son.  He doesn't even know who you are!  

Posted
21 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

Took my dog to the vet, and the female vet tech tries to take my dog's temperature the way one does with a dog.  My dog was not having it, and starts whining and shimmying forward to avoid the intrusion.  Trying to calm him down, I soothingly say "It's OK buddy, that would agitate me, too."  Except that is not what actually came out of my mouth.  What I actually said was "It's OK buddy, that would excite me too."

I did not speak another word to the vet tech during that visit. 

I was in Jr High and went with my dad when he took our dog to the vet. She got her shots and had a stool sample taken, nothing out of the ordinary. But we went back in the waiting room and my little beagle took a massive shit on the floor, I guess the sample collection got the mail moving, so to speak. Then, as I'm sitting there in horror, the super hot vet tech came over and cleaned it up. And she wasn't fazed at all, she was super friendly. I wanted to dig a hole to China and jump right inside.

Posted
27 minutes ago, Sandman said:

I was in Jr High and went with my dad when he took our dog to the vet. She got her shots and had a stool sample taken, nothing out of the ordinary. But we went back in the waiting room and my little beagle took a massive shit on the floor, I guess the sample collection got the mail moving, so to speak. Then, as I'm sitting there in horror, the super hot vet tech came over and cleaned it up. And she wasn't fazed at all, she was super friendly. I wanted to dig a hole to China and jump right inside.

Lame. Your dog was the 10th one to shit or piss in the lobby that week. 

That’s like saying, “I went to a gangbang and I accidentally got jizz on the sofa.”
 

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Posted
On 2/24/2025 at 6:55 AM, Longboard Horn said:

So who's better? Your wife or her sister?

I fucked a smoking hot chick then a few years later married her sister.  The sister turned to stripping.  Even went by her real name on stage.

I should have married the stripper.  She was more sane than my now ex-wife.

 

Posted
2 hours ago, Sandman said:

I was in Jr High and went with my dad when he took our dog to the vet. She got her shots and had a stool sample taken, nothing out of the ordinary. But we went back in the waiting room and my little beagle took a massive shit on the floor, I guess the sample collection got the mail moving, so to speak. Then, as I'm sitting there in horror, the super hot vet tech came over and cleaned it up. And she wasn't fazed at all, she was super friendly. I wanted to dig a hole to China and jump right inside.

on vet trip a couple of summers ago my dog was sitting on my lap in the lobby and shit all over me.  there was a lady in the lobby that was kind enough to get me a lot of paper towels and get some of them wet so I could clean up a little   

Posted

Jr year of high school. Qualifying for a golf tournament. 15 was a weird hole with an elevated green that you couldn't see the surface of until you got right up on top of it. Well, I hit what looks like a decent shot but who knows. Weird green with lots of undulation. I'm the last one in the group to get to the green and where is my ball?  We look over the green we look everywhere and Ryan hauter starts going crazy telling me it's in the hole. Sure as shit there is my ball.

It was cool. I'd made a few eagles from the fairway at that point in my life but whatever. It was neat. 

Next hole is a shorter downhill par 4 I have maybe 100 yards in for my second shot and I'll be God damed if I didn't jar it. 2, 2. Eagle eagle on the card. 

So, fast forward a month or three later and we are at our end of year dinner. Coat and tie, parents, girlfriends and all that shit. Coach asks each of us to tell our favorite moment from the year. Gets to me and I say when I went 2 2 on 15 and 16 in qualifying. There is like this weird moment where everyone got quiet and then everyone lost their shit. I was like what the fuck?  I don't get it?

Well, that day on 15 Ryan fucking hauter got to the green before me and kicked my ball towards the hole because whatever. Well, it goes in. And he was like whatever... Wasn't going to change the outcome of the qualifier.  Then I actually make 2 on the next hole and they decided they couldn't tell me. So... They told everyone else. Including the coach. And they all held it for 3 months and I felt about half an inch tall and fuck every single one of them. 

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Posted (edited)

Oh God damn! Speaking of vet visits.

My dog turns into a whimpering ball of jelly at the vet. I'm sitting on the floor with her when this hot ass Indian vet walks in to take butt temp, worm test, etc, and she's on the floor with me playing twister over my body to get to my dogs butthole.

Her, the vet not my dog's, ass brushed across my face several times.

Was it a strange boner? I don't think so.

Edited by MissingInAction
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