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Burnt Ends Dinner with Gunnar Helm March 28th ×

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Posted

Senior prom.  I got drunker than I've probably been my entire life, which is saying something. A big part of the reason is that I hadn't eaten dinner because the restaurant took too long and we had to be back at the school because my date and I were on the prom court.  We went back to pick up our food but mine got dropped on the floor, so I had nothing to eat. Anyway, we're talking should-have-died-from-alcohol-poisoning-but-for-the-generations-of-my-ancestors-who-drank-their-asses-off-and-gave-me-sufficient-enzymes-to-process-the-alcohol type of drunk.  Next morning I'm still totally fucking wasted.  We had rented a house and everyone was still there in the morning.  I come out of the bedroom with just my boxers on and a giant hard-on.  This dude yells out, "Oh my God! He's got a hard-on!" Everyone saw it.

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Posted
2 hours ago, SimonBolivar said:

I once texted my boss instead of my wife, "I miss you boo can't wait to go home and see you"

I did not miss my boss.


 

I assume calling your wife “Boo” was the embarrassing part?  

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Posted
20 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

There was that time I mistakenly used tanning lotion for lube. We woke up with orange colored junk.

Fill in the blank:

1. Four walls _______ balls.

 

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Posted

Senior year in high school, we got a new head football coach. I was a returning starter.

We had a pep rally in the gym where he introduced the team one at a time as they ran on to the basketball court.

I was one of the last(or maybe the last) to get called and he fucking blanked on my name...despite us wearing our jerseys.

I was just standing there turning red. in front of the whole school.  After a few seconds that seemed like minutes, I, shaking my head and giving him the stinkeye, slowly walked over to my teammates who were all having a good laugh.

 

Fuck that guy.

 

I broke my ankle that year and missed the season aside from the last game.  He never even thought to put me in.  My teammates and another assistant coach convinced him.

I fucking hated that guy.  Fuck you coach Davis, I hope you're not resting in peace.

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Posted
1 hour ago, Tylerocks said:

Senior year in high school, we got a new head football coach. I was a returning starter.

We had a pep rally in the gym where he introduced the team one at a time as they ran on to the basketball court.

I was one of the last(or maybe the last) to get called and he fucking blanked on my name...despite us wearing our jerseys.

I was just standing there turning red. in front of the whole school.  After a few seconds that seemed like minutes, I, shaking my head and giving him the stinkeye, slowly walked over to my teammates who were all having a good laugh.

 

Fuck that guy.

 

I broke my ankle that year and missed the season aside from the last game.  He never even thought to put me in.  My teammates and another assistant coach convinced him.

I fucking hated that guy.  Fuck you coach Davis, I hope you're not resting in peace.

Ouch.  Coach hate burns you up son.  He doesn't even know who you are!  

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Posted
21 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

Took my dog to the vet, and the female vet tech tries to take my dog's temperature the way one does with a dog.  My dog was not having it, and starts whining and shimmying forward to avoid the intrusion.  Trying to calm him down, I soothingly say "It's OK buddy, that would agitate me, too."  Except that is not what actually came out of my mouth.  What I actually said was "It's OK buddy, that would excite me too."

I did not speak another word to the vet tech during that visit. 

I was in Jr High and went with my dad when he took our dog to the vet. She got her shots and had a stool sample taken, nothing out of the ordinary. But we went back in the waiting room and my little beagle took a massive shit on the floor, I guess the sample collection got the mail moving, so to speak. Then, as I'm sitting there in horror, the super hot vet tech came over and cleaned it up. And she wasn't fazed at all, she was super friendly. I wanted to dig a hole to China and jump right inside.

Posted
27 minutes ago, Sandman said:

I was in Jr High and went with my dad when he took our dog to the vet. She got her shots and had a stool sample taken, nothing out of the ordinary. But we went back in the waiting room and my little beagle took a massive shit on the floor, I guess the sample collection got the mail moving, so to speak. Then, as I'm sitting there in horror, the super hot vet tech came over and cleaned it up. And she wasn't fazed at all, she was super friendly. I wanted to dig a hole to China and jump right inside.

Lame. Your dog was the 10th one to shit or piss in the lobby that week. 

That’s like saying, “I went to a gangbang and I accidentally got jizz on the sofa.”
 

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Posted
On 2/24/2025 at 6:55 AM, Longboard Horn said:

So who's better? Your wife or her sister?

I fucked a smoking hot chick then a few years later married her sister.  The sister turned to stripping.  Even went by her real name on stage.

I should have married the stripper.  She was more sane than my now ex-wife.

 

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Posted
2 hours ago, Sandman said:

I was in Jr High and went with my dad when he took our dog to the vet. She got her shots and had a stool sample taken, nothing out of the ordinary. But we went back in the waiting room and my little beagle took a massive shit on the floor, I guess the sample collection got the mail moving, so to speak. Then, as I'm sitting there in horror, the super hot vet tech came over and cleaned it up. And she wasn't fazed at all, she was super friendly. I wanted to dig a hole to China and jump right inside.

on vet trip a couple of summers ago my dog was sitting on my lap in the lobby and shit all over me.  there was a lady in the lobby that was kind enough to get me a lot of paper towels and get some of them wet so I could clean up a little   

Posted (edited)

Oh God damn! Speaking of vet visits.

My dog turns into a whimpering ball of jelly at the vet. I'm sitting on the floor with her when this hot ass Indian vet walks in to take butt temp, worm test, etc, and she's on the floor with me playing twister over my body to get to my dogs butthole.

Her, the vet not my dog's, ass brushed across my face several times.

Was it a strange boner? I don't think so.

Edited by MissingInAction
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  • 2 weeks later...
Posted
6th grade. Pitching in little league. 2nd inning. Sister's hot friend, 3 years the elder, who I dreamt about walks from behind the home side stands sucking on a sharp as a dagger red green and yellow astro pop.
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Boner on the mound in front of everyone. Threw a wild pitch to take focus off me, turned and tucked up in my waist band. It was too late. I'd been found out. Luckily my quick thinking minimized the fallout. Wonder what happened to that girl?

She was hit by a wild pitch?
Posted
On 2/24/2025 at 12:40 AM, NWBuck said:

My dad was substitute teaching and looked up to see one of the students with their bare feet on their desk. Figured that someone was screwing with the sub and told the kid to put his shoes on and pay attention. 

No one told him about the student who lost both his arms in a tractor accident when he was 7... Dude was a FFA star, helped his parents run their own farm, and drove himself to school every day. 

Pop said he wanted to crawl under the school out of embarrassment 

image.gif.498a6d23d5a5ca0f4304c11b94614135.gif

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Posted

Ok…here goes. 
 

My sister caught me.

Im like 13 and think im the only one in the house. I forgot my sister (no pics) was home from college and living upstairs at the time. I’m watching Beverly Hills Cop III and there’s a scene with a bunch of chicks in bikinis and guns. I guess that did it for 13 year old Biff. Pre-Internet and whatnot. So I’m on the couch in the living room giving it a go and I hear from behind me “what are you doing?…oh…oh no!” and my sister runs back up the stairs. We never spoke of it again. 

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Posted

Not my most embarrassing… but it was her’s. 
 

I met a Turkish chick in a New York Starbucks. I was somehow full of confidence on vacation and just walked up to this gorgeous girl and got her number. IDK how but it worked.

She’s studying acting. After chatting her up for about a month I come back to visit.

First night it’s go time. She Turkish but not religious. But Muslim shit is culturally apt. We take a shower to clean up.

Now I’m going to show off.

I go down on her. Oh and it’s cold outside btw. Heater’s on. Dry air. That’s important 

i catch a nose bleed while doing my best counterclockwise swirl.

Oh shit. I’m embarrassed I have to stop and get a tissue. 

when I stop mid cunnilingus, She pops her head up to see why the action stopped.

Oh man the look on her face when she thought the blood on my face was … well…. Hers. Any embarrassment I had was quickly overshadowed. Took a while to get her engine going again bc of it. She was white as a sheet 

Damn. That was a fun weekend. Well all except the part watching Blake Gideon drop that easy int that would have won us the game.

That 2008 Tech game is such a high and such a low of my life man. Weekend of amazing boning with an exotic hottie who was totally into me…. But that loss.

No free lunches people.

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Posted
On 3/9/2025 at 7:12 PM, Biff Tannen said:

Ok…here goes. 
 

My sister caught me.

Im like 13 and think im the only one in the house. I forgot my sister (no pics) was home from college and living upstairs at the time. I’m watching Beverly Hills Cop III and there’s a scene with a bunch of chicks in bikinis and guns. I guess that did it for 13 year old Biff. Pre-Internet and whatnot. So I’m on the couch in the living room giving it a go and I hear from behind me “what are you doing?…oh…oh no!” and my sister runs back up the stairs. We never spoke of it again. 

too bad you can’t do that for a living. 

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Posted
On 3/14/2025 at 5:10 PM, Underdog said:

New porn channel I recently found Sis doesn't run back upstairs. 

Bratty Sis, Sis Loves Me, My Family Pies, or Step Siblings Caught?

spacer.png

 

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Posted

I did a triathlon and beat this guy who was a pretty good athlete.  I knew him and we talked after the race and texted each other "good race" and shit like that.  I was driving home and I texted my wife a peach, eggplant and splash because I wanted to fuck when I got home.  Except that I texted the guy by mistake.  

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Posted
38 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

I did a triathlon and beat this guy who was a pretty good athlete.  I knew him and we talked after the race and texted each other "good race" and shit like that.  I was driving home and I texted my wife a peach, eggplant and splash because I wanted to fuck when I got home.  Except that I texted the guy by mistake.  

The most embarrassing thing about that story is when you admitted to using emojis.

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Posted
40 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

I did a triathlon and beat this guy who was a pretty good athlete.  I knew him and we talked after the race and texted each other "good race" and shit like that.  I was driving home and I texted my wife a peach, eggplant and splash because I wanted to fuck when I got home.  Except that I texted the guy by mistake.  

Mallrats cum brodie kevin smith cousin walter GIF on GIFER - by Yozshukora

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Posted
11 minutes ago, Ghost of NMAS said:

So did he come over?

No, but he texted back, "Ok."  That's how I knew I fucked up.  I responded and told him it was meant for my wife and that I was sorry to disappoint him. We had a laugh about it. 

 

2 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

The most embarrassing thing about that story is when you admitted to using emojis.

I only use them with my wife because it's one of the few things I do that she actually finds cute/funny.

Posted

Sophomore year in college, walked into a buddy's dorm room and asked "hey, where's your tiny-ass roommate?" To which my buddy replies, "right there, sitting on his bed."

 

I think I managed to apologize through the red haze on my face, but I'm not sure. 

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Posted
5 hours ago, capnamerca said:

Sophomore year in college, walked into a buddy's dorm room and asked "hey, where's your tiny-ass roommate?" To which my buddy replies, "right there, sitting on his bed."

 

I think I managed to apologize through the red haze on my face, but I'm not sure. 

Well, it sounds like he was a pretty tiny dude, so truth hurts?

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