Shit My Kid Says

[EE2B 1,565]

When my two year old says “pacie”, it sounds like pussy. Tonight she told my wife:”I want pacie”. I chimed in with “Me too” and got the look. Needless to say I’ll be on sick baby duty all alone.

[Wyatt Mann 17]

I told my daughter, when she was 5, that I had never been married. Then she told me she had never been married either.

[Llano Estacado 1,257]

Shaved my winter beard last weekend.

4 yr old. “Dada is that an adult drink? Is that a beer? You need to drink a lot of beer, so your beard will come back. [sister], beard is hair that grows in your face like a bear. Beer. Bear. Beard.”

Sound logic.

[GottaB 594]

My son talking about his Aunt (aka Typhoon Mary), "How am I supposed to have respect for someone when I'm only 13 and she's an adult, and I am smarter than she is?"

As I was told, if you can’t respect em, bless em.

“Bless her heart”

[ztejas 43,411]

4 hours ago, Llano Estacado said:

Shaved my winter beard last weekend.

4 yr old. “Dada is that an adult drink? Is that a beer? You need to drink a lot of beer, so your beard will come back. [sister], beard is hair that grows in your face like a bear. Beer. Bear. Beard.”

Sound logic.

Beer. Bear. Beard. Battlestar Galactica. 

[Homesickhorn 2,202]

His baseball practice had just ended.

“Dad, can we stay late so I can hit some more, and practice catching fly balls? I’m not scared of the ball anymore. Just tell Mom that I said it was okay, so she doesn’t get mad at you when you drop me off.”

This kid owns me.

[Slacks 6,819]

Wife was heating ready. Not completely dressed.

6 yo: Why are those hemispheres so big?

Pics of hemispheres...

[Slacks 6,819]

So we're riding to the inlaws for Easter dinner...

 

Paul Rever comes on and from the back seat, both boys break out with...

 

Nooooooow... Here's a little story I got to tell about three bad brothers you know so well, it started way back in history with AdRock, MCA, and me Mike D!

 

And they procees to go through the whole song...

 

It was the first time since first or second grade that I'd heard my soon to be 8th grade son sing along with a song... Any song.... And it's probably the last time he and little brother will not argue about whatever it is they are talking about in the car...

 

I felt like a dad.

 

I grabbed two girls and a beer that's cold...

 

Then they stayed arguing again.

 

 

[UTEX90 589]

Picking up the wife's 11 year old twins (boy and girl) from school yesterday.  Had local radio on and announcers were talking about one of the Utah players being "a legitimate shooting threat at the game tonight."

Girl:  Omg  where is there a shooting threat is that now.

Me and Boy: They are talking about the Rockets game tonight.

Girl: Well, Why would they even play the game if someone there is a real shooting threat.

Boy and I just look at each other in amazement.  He was kind enough to explain it.  I just shook my head.

Edited April 25, 2019 by UTEX90

[Knoxtnhorn 5,971]

Props to my 6 year-old for learning to quote movies/TV at an early age.

He was effing around at the dinner table and knocked off a glass.  He said, "Uh.  That was 90 percent gravity."

(Arrested Development in case you've never seen it.)

[hookem48 4,687]

When my oldest son was about 5 or 6 I got a box delivered to the house full of packing peanuts and when they were falling all over the place he said "hey, ghost turds"

[Prepuce of Doom 21,052]

Four year old at dinner tonight asked, "Does Krampus like Chinese food?" 

[UTEX90 589]

My mother is notorious story teller and provider of unsolicited information about people I have never met and probably will never meet as well as a grammar corrector and relayer of news articles  (when I was in college) and now facebook posts about mental and physical health.  She is a true believer in the printed and posted word.

One of my nephews when he was about 5 after listening to my mother go on and on and on about something turned to her said, "Grandma, all you do is teach people things they don't want to learn."

[El Diablo 4,232]

11 minutes ago, UTEX90 said:

My mother is notorious story teller and provider of unsolicited information about people I have never met and probably will never meet as well as a grammar corrector and relayer of news articles  (when I was in college) and now facebook posts about mental and physical health.  She is a true believer in the printed and posted word.

One of my nephews when he was about 5 after listening to my mother go on and on and on about something turned to her said, "Grandma, all you do is teach people things they don't want to learn."

Brother? My nephews (her grandkids) would call them "Annie attacks" when she'd start rambling.

[Buffsoldier 1,895]

In the past 2 days, my daughter has initiated every conversation with me this way: 

"Daddy, if that is your real name, .......

Edited May 7, 2019 by Buffsoldier

[Modessit 5,598]

In the past 2 days, my daughter has initiated every conversation with me this way: 
"Daddy, if that is your real name, .......

She must have heard your wife on the phone talking about something...

[Wyatt Mann 17]

Told my daughter that president trump was orange. She told me not to make fun of his skin color.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18,547]

My kids were arguing in a classic sibling rivalry fashion when my 12 year old daughter announced to by 13 year old son that, "I am smarter than you and better than you at everything. You are going to be 30 years old living in my basement watching porn all day."

[El Diablo 4,232]

Better than in the attic staring at that dog art.

[Jerry Callo 8,695]

Watching a soccer game the other night and it started to drizzle.  Daughter pulled out the umbrella and asked it my wife wanted under it.  My wife responded, "I'm not sugar, I won't melt."  Without skipping a beat, my daughter replied, "neither was the wicked witch."

Guess who got in trouble for laughing.

[Goofyboy 3,268]

Watching a soccer game the other night and it started to drizzle.  Daughter pulled out the umbrella and asked it my wife wanted under it.  My wife responded, "I'm not sugar, I won't melt."  Without skipping a beat, my daughter replied, "neither was the wicked witch."
Guess who got in trouble for laughing.

Well played. I hope she was rewarded for quick wit

[ABSR 5,308]

8 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My kids were arguing in a classic sibling rivalry fashion when my 12 year old daughter announced to by 13 year old son that, "I am smarter than you and better than you at everything. You are going to be 30 years old living in my basement watching porn all day."

If he won’t take her up on this deal, I will!

[GottaB 594]

Sub means under water
Toot means fart


Substitute is an underwater fart.

[EE2B 1,565]

6 year old EE2B: “I’m getting the hell out of here and going inside!”

Holy shit it was hard to keep a straight face while I got on to her. I had to look away a couple of times to keep from laughing.

[Modessit 5,598]

Playing a game on my phone and had to zoom way in to look for something. 5-yr-old comes over to watch and says, "Dad, ungrow it so I can see the whole picture."

[JSB 677]

My first grader brought home his art work from school yesterday, and apparently I’ve got a Thujone in the making. I may have to get him to draw something for the Shootout this fall.

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

Bob Stoops art teacher.

[pops 6,980]

Kid asked me if we could go hit some rocks. 6 years old. So we go to the range. He hits maybe 20 balls. Then loads his clubs up and says "I'm going to go roll a few" and heads to the putting green.

What do you do when nothing can ever get better?

[Liquor and Poker 3,659]

My son is 13.  Yesterday we had to go to a little neighborhood get-together down at the bay.  Thing was at one of the new neighbors' places.  They're about a decade or so younger than my wife and I, but the whole street was supposed to be there, so we were expecting a variety of folks.

So we get there and it's a millenial festival.  Nobody really there but the hosts and their friends.  There's no beer in a can. It's all farm-raised sushi served with organic water poured over artisanal ice served in a glass which had little imperfections to show that it was crafted by the honest, simple, hard-working indigenous people of whereever. 

I decide about 30 minutes in that we need to bow out and go back to our place.  I don't come down to the bay on my days off to do that shit.

So I tell the hosts "Sorry. Gotta go. The boys are thirsty in Atlanta."  They and their cluster of friends look at me with these blank stares.  No recognition whatsoever. 

So I yell over to the boy, who's with some kids his age about 10 feet away - "Son, the boys are thirsty in Atlanta."  He responds "And there's beer in Texarkana,"  says goodbye to the other kids and walks over to me.  Hosts are still totally lost.

As we walk out he tells the hosts "Google it."

It was fantastic.

[Lone Star Horn 2,016]

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin',

We're gonna do what they say can't be done.

We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there.

I'm east bound, just watch ol' "Bandit" run.

[Burt 4,080]

A few months ago I bought pink raquetballs to play fetch with our lab because they were easier to see in the snow.  They were on their last leg so I ordered more on Amazon, however, they were out of pink ones.  My 6 year old loves to open Amazon packages so I gave her the box when they were delivered.  When unboxing them, she turned to my wife and said, "Daddy has blue balls!"

Guilty!

Edited June 3, 2019 by Burt

[Slacks 6,819]

My first grader brought home his art work from school yesterday, and apparently I’ve got a Thujone in the making. I may have to get him to draw something for the Shootout this fall.

Jsb is black?

[Burt 4,080]

No, the landscaper that comes over when JSB is at work is black.

[TonyTexas 10,504]

Dad, I want to climb El Capitan.
Girl, go play with your Barbies

[GottaB 594]

I have a Johnny cash in the making.

[Anastasis 23,455]

Boy's been playing with Alexa again it seems.

 

"This is a reminder, eat lots of butt cheeks". 

 

Gonna be great when one of those reminders goes off during a telecon. 

[Pogo 284]

In the HEB deli, I hold up packages of ravioli and tortellini and ask 9 year-old daughter which one we should get.  She points to the tortellini and says, "Get those.  They look like butt holes."

[gyroprotagonist 2,592]

just survived my 9 yo taking a few friends to freaking great wolf lodge for her bday party.  anyway, we were talking beforehand about how much chlorine they must put in the pool because it's instant eye burn just walking through the indoor pool area.  The 9yo burst out in her best twangy Dolly voice "Chlorine, Chlorine, Chlorine , Chloooriiiine"

[GottaB 594]

Just wrapping up a 3 days stay at Great Wolf lodge in Grapevine. For the second time in two years the week of July 4th, we were awoken at 3 am to the fire alarm. Smoke somewhere. This time it was accompanied by electricity outage in a huge chunk of the property including our room.

Several engines responded.



The electricity remained out until 6pm the next day.

We got a phone call from the manager that our two nights were going to be refunded.

[Burt 4,080]

What did your kid have to say about it?

[Homesickhorn 2,202]

This is a little tardy, but I feel like this deserves to be here. Little Homesick likes to pick out his own cards for me.

Great start. And he’s beaming at me as I open it.

Okay, I laughed.

This kid really is my son.

[Armybrat 40,816]

Outstanding son you have, obviously of your loins. The rep is for him.

[GottaB 594]

What did your kid have to say about it?

When the alarms went off, I didn’t immediately get out of bed. My kids were freaking out.

My kid says to me “ the next time the alarm goes off and you don’t hear it, should I wake you up?”

Yes. Yes please?

[EE2B 1,565]

My cousin and her husband are on their way to Great Wolf Lodge today. I screenshot your post and sent it to her. Can’t wait for the same thing to happen to her.

[Wiler77 1,566]

Had a goldfish die today.  Middle son (5 years old) decides burial method of choice will be to flush Goldie down the toilet.  As Goldie is circling, I make the remark that he's now swimming happily in goldfish heaven.

My 7 year old chimes in with "well Goldie's heaven is in our septic tank surrounded by our poop."

[El Diablo 4,232]

2 hours ago, Wiler77 said:

Had a goldfish die today.  Middle son (5 years old) decides burial method of choice will be to flush Goldie down the toilet.  As Goldie is circling, I make the remark that he's now swimming happily in goldfish heaven.

My 7 year old chimes in with "well Goldie's heaven is in our septic tank surrounded by our poop."

Sounds like Goldie went to TOS.

[BigDHornfan 6,545]

Gave the boy a piece of bacon and a piece of turkey bacon this morning.
He took a bite of the turkey bacon and said,
“What is this? This isn’t bacon!”

There’s hope for the future.

[Prepuce of Doom 21,052]

Four year old Doomlet is in the "invent absurd jokes" phase. 

Q: How does the monster walk? 

A: By putting his finger up his butt. 

[cackles madly] 

[Hunchback 51]

7yo boy at bedtime..."goodnight, dad... Love you" (about 20 sec of silence)... "wait... Do vampires toot?"

 

[Anastasis 23,455]

On 7/3/2019 at 3:18 PM, Homesickhorn said:

This is a little tardy, but I feel like this deserves to be here. Little Homesick likes to pick out his own cards for me.

Great start. And he’s beaming at me as I open it.

Okay, I laughed.

This kid really is my son.

The stick figure at the end absolutely kills me.