Shit My Kid Says

[Burt 4,080]

Is he dabbing at the end?  lol

[davidg 4,036]

On 7/20/2019 at 9:08 AM, BigDHornfan said:

Gave the boy a piece of bacon and a piece of turkey bacon this morning.
He took a bite of the turkey bacon and said,
“What is this? This isn’t bacon!”

There’s hope for the future.

Edited August 5, 2019 by davidg

[Homesickhorn 2,202]

Is he dabbing at the end?  lol

Yes he is.

This was yesterday at the pool. His comment;
“Hey Dad, the Lay’s Potato Chip people have made a new bag. It’s called ‘The Creeper’....see”?

[Pogo 284]

Pogo Jr cracked me up this morning before school.  He said something goofy; I looked at him and said, "What the hell is wrong with you?"  He replied, "Dad, what the hell ISN'T wrong with me?"

 

[Scheiss Meister 8,407]

10 hours ago, Pogo said:

Pogo Jr cracked me up this morning before school.  He said something goofy; I looked at him and said, "What the hell is wrong with you?"  He replied, "Dad, what the hell ISN'T wrong with me?"

 

With that much self awareness, you know that he won't be an aggy, so you have that going for you.  Which is nice.

[blacklab 11,926]

going to the beach and we stop at a convince store and wife buys a little plastic play set with a shovel, rake and hoe.

She asks the boys which one they want.

9yo - I want the shovel

10yo - I want the hoe because I love hoooooooes!

wife Yells at 10yo

9yo - What's so bad about a hoe?

[ulukinatme 1,763]

59 minutes ago, blacklab said:

going to the beach and we stop at a convince store and wife buys a little plastic play set with a shovel, rake and hoe.

She asks the boys which one they want.

9yo - I want the shovel

10yo - I want the hoe because I love hoooooooes!

wife Yells at 10yo

9yo - What's so bad about a hoe?

Ahhh...like father, like son?

But seriously, that's hilarious.  Reminds me of an old family video where my uncles were casting a toy fishing pole down some stairs, and one asks the other what bait he's using to which he replies he "doesn't need any bait because he's a master baiter."  On cue, my little brother announces on camera he's a master baiter too, and the recording cuts off shortly after as my uncle is doing a spit take with his beer.

Edited August 20, 2019 by ulukinatme

[DigglerontheHoof 21,169]

6 hours ago, blacklab said:

going to the beach and we stop at a convince store and wife buys a little plastic play set with a shovel, rake and hoe.

She asks the boys which one they want.

9yo - I want the shovel

10yo - I want the hoe because I love hoooooooes!

wife Yells at 10yo

9yo - What's so bad about a hoe?

Avatar checks out

[Pig Bellmont 8,712]

My three year old this morning:

”Mommy, can you make Ariel in the sand?”

”Sure!”

“Ok. Make Ariel with red hair and green nipples.”

[blacklab 11,926]

19 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

Ahhh...like father, like son?

[Prepuce of Doom 21,052]

Original Black Sabbath version of War Pigs comes on the radio, so I crank it for the Doomlet (4 years old). 

Partway through the song, he observes that "This. Song. Is. Dangerous."

[EZ$ 2,102]

On 8/20/2019 at 7:41 AM, Pig Bellmont said:

My three year old this morning:

”Mommy, can you make Ariel in the sand?”

”Sure!”

“Ok. Make Ariel with red hair and green nipples.”

My 4 year old girl is all about nipples and poop. Probably 65% of our conversations. 

[RoundRobin 828]

Sounds like a German lesbian. 

[tbone_ 14,106]

Original Black Sabbath version of War Pigs comes on the radio, so I crank it for the Doomlet (4 years old). 
Partway through the song, he observes that "This. Song. Is. Dangerous."

Here is one advantage of the current times. War Pigs never came on the radio when I was a kid.

[BigDHornfan 6,545]

Driving to dinner the other night with my wife, MIL, and the 7 yr old boy.
Boy says something I didn’t quite hear so I asked him “What did you say?”
He response:
“Motherfucker, I said...”

I still don’t know what he said.

[Pogo 284]

On 8/26/2019 at 6:00 AM, BigDHornfan said:

Driving to dinner the other night with my wife, MIL, and the 7 yr old boy.
Boy says something I didn’t quite hear so I asked him “What did you say?”
He response:
“Motherfucker, I said...”

I still don’t know what he said.

Awesome!  How many times has he heard you say that?

[BigDHornfan 6,545]

Awesome!  How many times has he heard you say that?

More than I want to admit.

[Hate 20,106]

My son already knows the phrase “I know fuck is a bad word, but you’re fucking making me say it”.

[thunderlounge 7,813]

12 hours ago, Hate said:

My son already knows the phrase “I know fuck is a bad word, but you’re fucking making me say it”.

 

Wait until he learns that it is the most versatile word in the English language. 

[RoundRobin 828]

8 hours ago, thunderlounge said:

 

Wait until he learns that it is the most versatile word in the English language. 

I thought that was dude.

 

[thunderlounge 7,813]

5 hours ago, RoundRobin said:

I thought that was dude.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Prepuce of Doom 21,052]

Doomlet (4,m) has been really getting into Ozzy's Boneyard on Sirius, and has developed obsessions with Ronnie James Dio (in all his various acts) and Motorhead. 

I just got this text from Mrs. Doom:

I'm getting an earful on the virtue of Ronnie James Dio. [Doomlet] concluded his lecture by saying, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really like loud cars and loud music."

Edited September 11, 2019 by Prepuce of Doom

[tbone_ 14,106]

Damn straight skippy.

[Goofyboy 3,268]

My nephew (4years old) left day car yesterday with a proper “Bye Bitches!”

Laughed my ass off because it’s my nephew.

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3,868]

Don’t really know where to put this. 

My youngest’s in car driving instructor fell asleep during today’s lesson. 

Kid now has instructions to pull out their phone and record it if happens again. 

[Armybrat 40,818]

6 hours ago, Goofyboy said:

My nephew (4years old) left day car yesterday with a proper “Bye Bitches!”

Laughed my ass off because it’s my nephew.

Nephew wins this week’s thread. Lulz

Did he have any coaching from Uncle?

[Goofyboy 3,268]

Nephew wins this week’s thread. Lulz
Did he have any coaching from Uncle?

Nah. Sister cusses like a sailor. My 8 year old picked up a few from her, so payback karma wins again.

[Armybrat 40,818]

Careful though.

My youngest grandson (age 5 at the time) got drummed out of Montessori school for dropping a few F-bombs and mooning some classmates at recess.  Lol

[tbone_ 14,106]

Surprised they didn’t make him register for the mooning

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

2 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Surprised they didn’t make him register for the mooning

It's Brat's grandson. That probably happened in the 1800s.

[ROFL BOX 6,647]

Def. not a "kid" thing, however...

Dropping off Roxette @ school yesterday (she's now a Freshman in HS & obv. way too cool for anything the rest of us adults could evar understand) & as she's walking along the sidewalk, I'm matching her stride & next to the curb, shouting "I LOVE YOU!  DADDY LOVES HIS GIRL!!!!"

Totally embarrassing except there really wasn't anyone around to hear it other than her.  She was still mortified.  +1 for Dad.

[GottaB 594]

In my second graders “facts about me”


Sorry kid. Genetics are not in your favor.

[Armybrat 40,818]

7 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Def. not a "kid" thing, however...

Dropping off Roxette @ school yesterday (she's now a Freshman in HS & obv. way too cool for anything the rest of us adults could evar understand) & as she's walking along the sidewalk, I'm matching her stride & next to the curb, shouting "I LOVE YOU!  DADDY LOVES HIS GIRL!!!!"

Totally embarrassing except there really wasn't anyone around to hear it other than her.  She was still mortified.  +1 for Dad.

But she loved talking to Santa Claus on the phone?

[ROFL BOX 6,647]

3 hours ago, Armybrat said:

But she loved talking to Santa Claus on the phone?

Hell yeah.

She still can't explain how that happened.

[blacklab 11,926]

goto chick fil a, kid #2 gets a cow in his kid that comes with a crayon that comes in a white cardboard/paper like container.

In his best outside voice boy #1 "Oh my god, the cow is smoking weed. THE COW. IS SMOKING WEED!"

entire restaurant stopped what they were doing and turned to look at us.

[Armybrat 40,818]

The +rep is for boy #2.

[Prepuce of Doom 21,052]

Unintended consequence of letting the Doomlet listen to Ozzy's Boneyard. 

 

[demos 3,002]

So, kid loses his tooth at school today, and they put in a plastic tooth on string to wear around his neck.

Comes home, shows us the tooth, tells how it came out (when he got hit in the face with a hula hoop in gym class - I did not inquire further, though that's probably a great story). Great, now the tooth fairy can come.

Fast forward, it's bed time. I come upstairs from watching the game and do my usual look into the kids' rooms. He's still up (this is around 10pm). I tell him he needs to go to sleep so the tooth fairy can get his tooth and leave him money. He proceeds to tell me:

"I set a trap for the tooth fairy"

jlawthumbsup.gif

Ok dude whatever. Go to sleep.

I go take a shower, get in bed, and around 11:30 go check back. Still awake. "Go to sleep."

Come back at 12:30. Still awake. "Go the fuck to sleep"

I go back to bed and set an alarm for 3:30am.

So, the alarm goes off. I drag myself out of bed, grab the money, walk down the hallway and look in his room. Thank god, he's asleep. Only, he's is wearing the tooth necklace. Fuck. So, I go back down the hallway, get the first aid scissors from the bathroom, come back and cut the necklace off. I open the little plastic container: no tooth.

This little sob has hidden the tooth in his room. Fuck. It's 3:30 in the fucking morning, I don't have time for this shit.

I look around, and finally spot it. He has several Jurassic Park lego sets including the one that comes with the gyrosphere. The tooth is in there. So, now I grab that walk back down the hallway, take the gyrosphere apart, remove the tooth, and put the gyrosphere back together. Didn't know I was going to be playing with legos this morning.

So, all that is done. Take the gyrosphere back, put it back on his bed, and put the money under the pillow. Although, I should've left him a note that said, "For making me work this hard, I'm keeping the damn money."

So, he did set a trap, because I'm now wide awake, writing this on surly at 4am while I take a shit.

Enjoy fuckers.

Edited September 28, 2019 by demos

[Longboard Horn 40,284]

On 9/12/2019 at 8:04 AM, Armybrat said:

Careful though.

My youngest grandson (age 5 at the time) got drummed out of Montessori school for dropping a few F-bombs and mooning some classmates at recess.  Lol

What's his surly name?

[CoachTex 2,623]

12 year old is helping me clear some brush driving the lawn tractor. He sees that the tractor says fully depress brake before starting.  He says "Hay break your wife doesn't love you." Then starts the tractor.

[Buffsoldier 1,895]

My 9 yr old was having a handful of Gummi Bears that I brought home from Germany 3 weeks ago as dessert. She put one on it's back, another standing next to it, and the rest in a semi circle around them.

She then started chanting,  "Om Nom, Shivai! Om Nom, Shivai!"

Oh, God, everything hurts from laughing....

[Buffsoldier 1,895]

24 minutes ago, Buffsoldier said:

My 9 yr old was having a handful of Gummi Bears that I brought home from Germany 3 weeks ago as dessert. She put one on it's back, another standing next to it, and the rest in a semi circle around them.

She then started chanting,  "Om Nom, Shivai! Om Nom, Shivai!"

Oh, God, everything hurts from laughing....

A pic I snapped with the phone:

[Mitch Cumsteen 18,547]

12 year old daughter had some stomach issues a few nights ago. She comes into the living room, holding back tears and urgently tells me, "Dad, I need to talk to you. Alone. In my room. Now." 

I go with her to her room and she shuts the door so we can have some privacy. She completely bursts into tears and starts hysterically crying, "Dad, I Iooked up my symptoms online and I have colon cancer."

[Jameslaw121 4,448]

Taking boy to school (6 yo). Realized I forgot something I needed at work. Made a hasty U-Turn that squealed the tires. From the back seat I hear:

 

"That was Fucking Awesome!"

 

[Armybrat 40,818]

2 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

12 year old daughter had some stomach issues a few nights ago. She comes into the living room, holding back tears and urgently tells me, "Dad, I need to talk to you. Alone. In my room. Now." 

I go with her to her room and she shuts the door so we can have some privacy. She completely bursts into tears and starts hysterically crying, "Dad, I Iooked up my symptoms online and I have colon cancer."

She just started?

that’s mom territory.

Edited October 10, 2019 by Armybrat

[Catpfish 618]

17 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

12 year old daughter had some stomach issues a few nights ago. She comes into the living room, holding back tears and urgently tells me, "Dad, I need to talk to you. Alone. In my room. Now." 

I go with her to her room and she shuts the door so we can have some privacy. She completely bursts into tears and starts hysterically crying, "Dad, I Iooked up my symptoms online and I have colon cancer."

My wife is a lot older than 12 years old...stupid shit never changes

[Modessit 5,598]

No school today. Wife's at work. Took the kids to lunch. There was a table with some county sheriff's nearby. 5-yr-old son told me he wanted to go say Hi so I told him to go. He walked up to them and said, "Excuse me, but the other day my mom drove thru a yellow light."

[El Diablo 4,232]

Well I hope you shot the little snitch.

[Nuge 1,966]

21 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

12 year old daughter had some stomach issues a few nights ago. She comes into the living room, holding back tears and urgently tells me, "Dad, I need to talk to you. Alone. In my room. Now." 

I go with her to her room and she shuts the door so we can have some privacy. She completely bursts into tears and starts hysterically crying, "Dad, I Iooked up my symptoms online and I have colon cancer."

I actually felt bad for her.  

[demos 3,002]

Son (7): Can I have dessert?

Wife: What's dessert? [Meaning what was he getting]

Son: Dessert is what you eat after you finish your dinner.

Wife: tone

Me: