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Shit My Kid Says

ROFL BOX

By ROFL BOX
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Hmbre97
Hmbre97

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

Post Oak
Post Oak

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

burns_312
burns_312

I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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Goofyboy

Goofyboy 3293

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Got this from my kids main teacher this evening:

Today in class:
Son - *throws ball across class out of nowhere *
Female Teacher - "see this is why I don't have balls!" *immediate internal groan *
Son - "well that's not true. You don't have balls because..."
Teacher - “STOP! I get it. Anyway..."

He’s 8.

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EE2B

EE2B 1565

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Today we drove to Dallas for the weekend. We were almost to Rockwall and both kids had been asleep. The sever year old wakes up and says:
“Can we go to the App Store while we’re in Dallas?”
Holy shit I almost wrecked from laughing. She had no idea why we were laughing.

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Slacks

Slacks 6821

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So.... 11-yr old and I are riding home from tennis practice. We stop at a light at a major intersection. There is a beggar with a sign begging...

 

"Dad, you know what, there is a job doing exactly what the guy is doing. Actually, that place RIGHT THERE (tax place across the street) pays people to stand where he's standing and do what he's doing?! Why doesn't he just go work for them?"

 

Me: "Remember when you asked me why I don't give money to people on the street corner? You're 11 years old and you found him a job. He makes more money begging."

 

Son: "Yeah! Like the guy with no legs at Wal-mart! He's been there longer than I can remember... But he drives a Jeep."

 

Me: Exactly.

 

 

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Slacks

Slacks 6821

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Yesterday, the 13yo, Mrs Snacks, and I are at lunch... We start discussing reading...

13yo: "I want a book on quantum mechanics."

Puzzled looks...

"Ok. Check please."

Straight to Half-Price Books, grabs a book on Quantum Mechanics... "Yeah, I'll be done with this in 3 days."

Me: "how about this one?" (it's all equations)

Son: "I don't want to solve it, I just went to understand it.v

Me: "Oh. My bad..."

So we grab some other thick ass QM book and head out with the two books.

Nerdz.

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Scheiss Meister

Scheiss Meister 8407

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Sounds like my son when he was that age.  Asked his mathematician grandfather for a book on advanced calculus, and his psychology prof grandfather for a book on psychology for Christmas.  By the middle of January he was calling them up and discussing new (to him) concepts with them.  Tickled them both to pieces.

Edited by Scheiss Meister
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CooterBrown

CooterBrown 18012

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7 minutes ago, Modessit said:
14 minutes ago, CooterBrown said:
Talking about a neighbor...

Mrs Brown: “think she’s a good lay?”

Me: “Nah. Not a chance.”

13 YO from the other end of the fucking house: “is it because she’s short?”


 

Read more  

You and your wife talk about fucking the neighbors?

Of course.  Gotta have the neighbor women rankings public just in case Mrs Brown ever gets a wild hair and wants to invite one of them to join us.

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11049

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On 2/18/2020 at 11:07 AM, Snacks said:

Yesterday, the 13yo, Mrs Snacks, and I are at lunch... We start discussing reading...

13yo: "I want a book on quantum mechanics."

Puzzled looks...

"Ok. Check please."

Straight to Half-Price Books, grabs a book on Quantum Mechanics... "Yeah, I'll be done with this in 3 days."

Me: "how about this one?" (it's all equations)

Son: "I don't want to solve it, I just went to understand it.v

Me: "Oh. My bad..."

So we grab some other thick ass QM book and head out with the two books.

Nerdz.

 

How to Teach Quantum Mechanics to Your Dog by Chad Orzel.

 

Newish book without all the math. He might like it. Just skip all the annoying dog stuff.

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

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On ‎2‎/‎18‎/‎2020 at 12:51 PM, Scheiss Meister said:

Sounds like my son when he was that age.  Asked his mathematician grandfather for a book on advanced calculus, and his psychology prof grandfather for a book on psychology for Christmas.  By the middle of January he was calling them up and discussing new (to him) concepts with them.  Tickled them both to pieces.

A book on psychology for Christmas? We have an annual thread devoted to that subject. Kid's got future Surlist written all over him.

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T’Boo Ted Marshall

T’Boo Ted Marshall 2732

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Gotta brag on Little T'Boo for a second.  

I've taught the kids that when they get allowance for chores or gifts, money goes in 3 piles.  Save, Give, Spend.  They don't get the % yet so I help them with that.  Mostly they give each week at church and have ridiculous amounts in savings and cash for kids their age.  Last week our 7yo son says to me he wants to give $100 each to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society as well as the American Heart Association.  My Mom died from Leukemia before he arrived and one of his classmates has it as well.  Man, talk about getting a lump in my throat.  I would have never even thought about that at his age.  Proud Dad right here.  

 

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8810

Posted
Posted (edited)
47 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Gotta brag on Little T'Boo for a second.  

I've taught the kids that when they get allowance for chores or gifts, money goes in 3 piles.  Save, Give, Spend.  They don't get the % yet so I help them with that.  Mostly they give each week at church and have ridiculous amounts in savings and cash for kids their age.  Last week our 7yo son says to me he wants to give $100 each to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society as well as the American Heart Association.  My Mom died from Leukemia before he arrived and one of his classmates has it as well.  Man, talk about getting a lump in my throat.  I would have never even thought about that at his age.  Proud Dad right here.  

 

Sounds like you and Mrs T'boo are doing it right.

Edited by SHOOTER12
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demos

demos 3003

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I pick the kids up from school on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Everytime i pick them up they want to go to McDonald’s. Figured i had an easy out today since it’s Ash Wednesday.

Son (7): can we go to McDonald’s?

Me: no, we can’t have meat today.

Son: are french fries meat?

Me: yes smartass, they are.

I can’t even argue they’re fried in lard.

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txhorns

txhorns 2409

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My mother in law has Alzheimers.  She will probably be dead within a week but is still alive.  I took my 7 and 4 year old to church last night but just dropped them off and picked them up real quick because I needed to run a couple of errands.  Apparently my 4 year old told everyone there that the MIL died yesterday morning.  Seven people from church have either sent flowers to the house or stopped by this morning offering their condolences.

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Modessit

Modessit 5601

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Posted
I pick the kids up from school on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Everytime i pick them up they want to go to McDonald’s. Figured i had an easy out today since it’s Ash Wednesday.

Son (7): can we go to McDonald’s?

Me: no, we can’t have meat today.

Son: are french fries meat?

Me: yes smartass, they are.

I can’t even argue they’re fried in lard.
Wait until he finds out the no meat thing only applies to people 14 years olds and older.

Hell, I was in my 40s before I found out that what you give up for Lent can be had on Sundays.
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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11049

Posted
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On 2/26/2020 at 10:38 AM, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Gotta brag on Little T'Boo for a second.  

I've taught the kids that when they get allowance for chores or gifts, money goes in 3 piles.  Save, Give, Spend.  They don't get the % yet so I help them with that.  Mostly they give each week at church and have ridiculous amounts in savings and cash for kids their age.  Last week our 7yo son says to me he wants to give $100 each to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society as well as the American Heart Association.  My Mom died from Leukemia before he arrived and one of his classmates has it as well.  Man, talk about getting a lump in my throat.  I would have never even thought about that at his age.  Proud Dad right here.  

 

 

We do the same. Eventually savings goes to a bank account, she gets to pick the charity. 

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JSB

JSB 677

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My 8 YO finished his science fair project today, and he couldn’t have any pics of his face or his name anywhere on it. I fixed the pictures, but he got to pick what covered his face. “Let’s put that hairy longhorn over my face, from that website you like”

0f4237cf44eb2158c5386fe24c036901.jpg9241bc60e93280b234689dfdc1518811.jpg

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Lone Star Horn

Lone Star Horn 2016

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On 3/2/2020 at 12:30 PM, Pig Bellmont said:

*At grocery store*
4 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER: I want two mommies. 
ME: Well, you’ve got a mommy and a daddy, so that’s pretty awesome. 
DAUGHTER: No no no no. I want a daddy and two mommies. 
ME: Me too, kiddo (elbowing wife) Tell mommy what you just told me...

dead.PNG.398c0ad3fd12f3607133199db79b6205.PNG

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21073

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Doomlet (4,m): What's "the family goldfish?" 

Me: What? 

Doomlet: What's a family goldfish? 

Me: It's a goldfish that a family keeps as a pet, like some people have dogs or cats. 

Doomlet: And you flush them down the toilet? 

Me: Well, sometimes, if they're dead.

Doomlet: That's for whom the bell tolls. 

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11049

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On 3/2/2020 at 12:30 PM, Pig Bellmont said:

*At grocery store*
4 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER: I want two mommies. 
ME: Well, you’ve got a mommy and a daddy, so that’s pretty awesome. 
DAUGHTER: No no no no. I want a daddy and two mommies. 
ME: Me too, kiddo (elbowing wife) Tell mommy what you just told me...

 

I'm pretty sure I posted this one years ago on the old scat site:

 

As relayed to me via wife:

Daughter (about 3 years old IIRC): What's my other mommy's name?

Wife: What are you talking about? I'm your only mommy.

Daughter: No, I have another mommy. I can't remember her name.

Wife: What?

Daughter: She wears long black dresses and has long black hair. I only see her at night when you and daddy are asleep.

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