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Shit My Kid Says

ROFL BOX

By ROFL BOX
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Hmbre97
Hmbre97

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

Post Oak
Post Oak

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

burns_312
burns_312

I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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OrangEngr

OrangEngr 1,035

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On 10/16/2020 at 1:38 PM, Dnaguy said:

4 year old: What’s the word I can’t say? Why can’t I say it? It’s just God damnit.

Wife: [Eyes grow 8 sizes larger and rendered speechless]
2 year old: [with clarity never shown before]  God damnit!!

Son of beech. Shit.

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Doc Reeves

Doc Reeves 6,434

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My 3yo daughter at bedtime: “dadda, I tired. I want to cuddle”

me: “ok, let’s go to the big bed and...”

her: “no dadda, I want momma. Not you. Ok? Not you. Go find momma now. Not you. You not come too. Ok? Not you.”

me: “well ok, I’ll go find mommy to cuddle you”

her.” Yes. Yes dadda. You find momma and I cuddle with momma. And you shoo. Shoo dadda, shoo. Go away.           ....I love you”


 

It’s like looking into the future when she going need my help signing a lease for an apartment.

 

Edited by Doc Reeves
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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6,654

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On 10/18/2020 at 8:43 AM, Doc Reeves said:

My 3yo daughter at bedtime: “dadda, I tired. I want to cuddle”

me: “ok, let’s go to the big bed and...”

her: “no dadda, I want momma. Not you. Ok? Not you. Go find momma now. Not you. You not come too. Ok? Not you.”

me: “well ok, I’ll go find mommy to cuddle you”

her.” Yes. Yes dadda. You find momma and I cuddle with momma. And you shoo. Shoo dadda, shoo. Go away.           ....I love you”


 

It’s like looking into the future when she going need my help signing a lease for an apartment.

 

This AM.  Roxette is now 15, Monster is 13.

She walks out the door to get down to the gate for the bus, just goes on out.

He comes over & gives me a large hug, says "I love you, Dad.  Be sure to drive safely wherever you go today."

<sigh>

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4,485

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Posted (edited)

Didn't know where else to put this. But my son (7) and I always stay up late on Fridays watching movies (Mandolorian last night). Then we usually "camp out" in my office. Last couple of weeks he's been asking stuff like "What do adults do?" "What do Dads do?" stuff like that.

 


Last night, my wife was working overtime, so he and I ate and feed the baby (about a year and a half), changed her and got her to bed. During this, he goes "Is this what Mommies do?" And I said, lots of times ours does, but this is what parents do. Stuff like that recently.

 


This morning, I got up like probably alot of us do well before anyone else. No noise but me and the dogs. Just one lamp on. Grab a cup of coffee and turned on ESPN with the sound way down and started reading the news. About ten minutes later, out walks the boy. Silently, he walks over grabs a coffee cup. Looks at me. I raise an eyebrow, but I don't say anything. Puts some coffee in it and sits down and quietly watches ESPN. No words said.
Then "Dad?" Is this what men do?"
"Yeah buddy. Yes is is."

a34a92860ad1cc9ce84711385564bf68.jpg

Edited by Jameslaw121
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Armybrat

Armybrat 41,322

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On 10/23/2020 at 8:18 AM, ROFL BOX said:

This AM.  Roxette is now 15, Cookie Monster is 13.

She walks out the door to get down to the gate for the bus, just goes on out.

He comes over & gives me a large hug, says "I love you, Dad.  Be sure to drive safely wherever you go today."

<sigh>

Fify

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Superhero

Superhero 8,990

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My kids were trying to one up each other with bigger and bigger numbers.

Boy (5): A quadrillion five hundred billion seven hundred and sixty-eight million four hundred and thirty two.

Girl (8): A googol.

Me to boy: Say googol time a googol. He repeats.

This goes on a few times. By now I’m teaching them what a googol to the power of googol means. At this time, girl comes up with an even more ridiculously long number 

Me to boy: Say infinity.

Boy: Infinity is not a number. It’s a concept.


Despite being a tiger dad, I have never taught him that. I’m so proud and look forward to him inventing the warp drive. 

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21,260

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22 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

I sure hope that you are raising him to use his powers for good.

TBD. 

He's since asked me, while perched naked on the toilet and through a closed bathroom door, whether Frank Black [note: the lead singer of The Pixies] is still with us. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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burns_312

burns_312 356

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Last week a buddy got his pickup stuck when he was deer hunting. My wife was busy that evening so I took the kids to help try and pull him out. Other buddy is there in his CanAm, so I put kids in that and pull it up a hill a ways so they’re out of any potential harms way while we to go yanking on the stuck truck. We try for a few minutes before we decide it ain’t coming out with the setup we’re using so we call my brother in law who lives a couple miles away to bring his tractor. It’s getting later so kids and I leave before he arrives. We get home about the same time my wife does and my 4 year old goes into his spiel about how the front end of the truck was buried bad etc and finishes it very matter of factly with “mom, I don’t know how the fuck they’re going to get that truck out of there.”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Scooter Monzingo

Scooter Monzingo 821

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2 hours ago, burns_312 said:

Last week a buddy got his pickup stuck when he was deer hunting. My wife was busy that evening so I took the kids to help try and pull him out. Other buddy is there in his CanAm, so I put kids in that and pull it up a hill a ways so they’re out of any potential harms way while we to go yanking on the stuck truck. We try for a few minutes before we decide it ain’t coming out with the setup we’re using so we call my brother in law who lives a couple miles away to bring his tractor. It’s getting later so kids and I leave before he arrives. We get home about the same time my wife does and my 4 year old goes into his spiel about how the front end of the truck was buried bad etc and finishes it very matter of factly with “mom, I don’t know how the fuck they’re going to get that truck out of there.”


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Fucking awesome...

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 41,319

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Last night while at the girlfriend's house, her 8 year old starts singing "Rockin around the Christmas tree" by Brenda Lee when all of a sudden

8 year old: "then we'll eat some fuckin pie.."

GF: "Excuse me?!"

8 year old: "you know, that's what she says in the song"

GF: "No sweetie, she says pumpkin pie"

8 year old: "Oh, well fuckin pie sounds better!"

Guess who got in trouble for laughing...

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CooterBrown

CooterBrown 18,272

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Posted
Last night while at the girlfriend's house, her 8 year old starts singing "Rockin around the Christmas tree" by Brenda Lee when all of a sudden
8 year old: "then we'll eat some fuckin pie.."
GF: "Excuse me?!"
8 year old: "you know, that's what she says in the song"
GF: "No sweetie, she says pumpkin pie"
8 year old: "Oh, well fuckin pie sounds better!"
Guess who got in trouble for laughing...

Perfect opportunity to tell that crotch goblin that you’re gonna eat some pie later while winking at the mom.
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Whatever

Whatever 700

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Didn't know where else to put this. But my son (7) and I always stay up late on Fridays watching movies (Mandolorian last night). Then we usually "camp out" in my office. Last couple of weeks he's been asking stuff like "What do adults do?" "What do Dads do?" stuff like that.
 

Last night, my wife was working overtime, so he and I ate and feed the baby (about a year and a half), changed her and got her to bed. During this, he goes "Is this what Mommies do?" And I said, lots of times ours does, but this is what parents do. Stuff like that recently.
 

This morning, I got up like probably alot of us do well before anyone else. No noise but me and the dogs. Just one lamp on. Grab a cup of coffee and turned on ESPN with the sound way down and started reading the news. About ten minutes later, out walks the boy. Silently, he walks over grabs a coffee cup. Looks at me. I raise an eyebrow, but I don't say anything. Puts some coffee in it and sits down and quietly watches ESPN. No words said.
Then "Dad?" Is this what men do?"
"Yeah buddy. Yes is is."

a34a92860ad1cc9ce84711385564bf68.jpg

That’s so bad ass. My 8 yo boy does similar things. I’ve woken up a few Saturday mornings this football season and walked into the living room. Each time he was already up watching LHN with a bowl of cereal that he fixed himself. A couple of the times he’s made himself a cup of single serve coffee. He’s already a man.
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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4,485

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My oldest left the Army as a sergeant  about 2 years ago. 

 

This morning I woke up with the 7 year old boy sleeping on top of me on the couch (And the dog too). My back hurts, my elbows hurt. It was pretty awesome. Of course we almost always do this Friday night. Eventually he woke up ans said "It's Saturday? Its GAME DAY!!!"

Had to tell him that UT wasn't playing today. It was a confusing conversation for him. he didn't understand why other teams were playing but not Texas. He went into my office and was playing on my computer. I also have TV in there that is pretty much only on ESPN.

He just came out and asked if the Army/Navy game was today. I said yes. (We've watched it most of the years anyway, since it's just a pretty cool game to watch)

He said we can watch that instead. Me : "Okay buddy, we'll watch it."

 

Him "Go ARMY!!!! Beat Navy!!!!"

 

 

 

 

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11,161

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On 12/12/2020 at 8:30 AM, Jameslaw121 said:

My oldest left the Army as a sergeant  about 2 years ago. 

 

This morning I woke up with the 7 year old boy sleeping on top of me on the couch (And the dog too). My back hurts, my elbows hurt. It was pretty awesome. Of course we almost always do this Friday night. Eventually he woke up ans said "It's Saturday? Its GAME DAY!!!"

Had to tell him that UT wasn't playing today. It was a confusing conversation for him. he didn't understand why other teams were playing but not Texas. He went into my office and was playing on my computer. I also have TV in there that is pretty much only on ESPN.

He just came out and asked if the Army/Navy game was today. I said yes. (We've watched it most of the years anyway, since it's just a pretty cool game to watch)

He said we can watch that instead. Me : "Okay buddy, we'll watch it."

 

Him "Go ARMY!!!! Beat Navy!!!!"

 

 

 

 

 

you have one that's 2 years out of the army as a sergeant, and a 7 yr old? that is quite a spread.

 

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