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Shit My Kid Says

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CooterBrown

CooterBrown 18002

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My 5 YO likes to ask me if I like to eat eyeballs (or boogers etc.). I always reply yes. Then she says “ewwww dad likes to eat eyeballs!”

 

Today at a restaurant, I’m talking to my wife and she asks the question, I’m not listening and say yes out of habit. Then at the top of her lungs she starts yelling “MY DAD LIKES TO EAT BUTTHOLES!!! HE LOVES TO EAT BUTTHOLES!!!”

 

 

 

 

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Hmbre97
Hmbre97

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

Post Oak
Post Oak

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

burns_312
burns_312

I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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Modessit

Modessit 5598

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My 5 YO likes to ask me if I like to eat eyeballs (or boogers etc.). I always reply yes. Then she says “ewwww dad likes to eat eyeballs!”
 
Today at a restaurant, I’m talking to my wife and she asks the question, I’m not listening and say yes out of habit. Then at the top of her lungs she starts yelling “MY DAD LIKES TO EAT BUTTHOLES!!! HE LOVES TO EAT BUTTHOLES!!!”
 
 
 
 
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Homesickhorn

Homesickhorn 2202

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Aggy is talking to another aggy at the table next to myself and little homesick during the Tech/Florida baseball game.

Little Homesick: Dad, who are we cheering for?
Me: The sand aggies buddy.
Little Homesick: But I thought we never cheer for aggy.
Me: It’s just a joke bud. They’re not actually aggy.
Aggy 1 at the adjacent table: No. They’re nothing even close to us. Aggies are winners.
Aggy 2 (Referencing little homesick’s Longhorn cap): Your dad shouldn’t let you where that, they lost to Arkansas.
Little Homesick to aggy 2: When do the aggies play?
(7 or 8 people within earshot start laughing, with one Tech fan making an SEC quip)
Aggy 2: Just wait, Arky’s got this.
(More laughter)
Little Homesick: Dad, you played in the SEC right?
Me: Yeah bud.
Little Homesick (for the walk off): But you were OG SEC huh?






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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CooterBrown

CooterBrown 18002

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Two summers ago when my son was 3 we went to Sea World.  As we were walking up to the gate a family wearing burkas were walking in front of us. Son asks me...
"Daddy, why are there Jawas here?"


At Disneyland today a lady in a burka fell out in front of teacups. My 5 YO asked what happened. My 11 YO said “she got too hot wearing a tent around.”
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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 40289

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1 hour ago, Homesickhorn said:

Aggy is talking to another aggy at the table next to myself and little homesick during the Tech/Florida baseball game.

Little Homesick: Dad, who are we cheering for?
Me: The sand aggies buddy.
Little Homesick: But I thought we never cheer for aggy.
Me: It’s just a joke bud. They’re not actually aggy.
Aggy 1 at the adjacent table: No. They’re nothing even close to us. Aggies are winners.
Aggy 2 (Referencing little homesick’s Longhorn cap): Your dad shouldn’t let you where that, they lost to Arkansas.
Little Homesick to aggy 2: When do the aggies play?
(7 or 8 people within earshot start laughing, with one Tech fan making an SEC quip)
Aggy 2: Just wait, Arky’s got this.
(More laughter)
Little Homesick: Dad, you played in the SEC right?
Me: Yeah bud.
Little Homesick (for the walk off): But you were OG SEC huh?






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That is fucking fantastic!

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Chad Fuck

Chad Fuck 17658

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Aggy is talking to another aggy at the table next to myself and little homesick during the Tech/Florida baseball game.

Little Homesick: Dad, who are we cheering for?
Me: The sand aggies buddy.
Little Homesick: But I thought we never cheer for aggy.
Me: It’s just a joke bud. They’re not actually aggy.
Aggy 1 at the adjacent table: No. They’re nothing even close to us. Aggies are winners.
Aggy 2 (Referencing little homesick’s Longhorn cap): Your dad shouldn’t let you where that, they lost to Arkansas.
Little Homesick to aggy 2: When do the aggies play?
(7 or 8 people within earshot start laughing, with one Tech fan making an SEC quip)
Aggy 2: Just wait, Arky’s got this.
(More laughter)
Little Homesick: Dad, you played in the SEC right?
Me: Yeah bud.
Little Homesick (for the walk off): But you were OG SEC huh?






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Wins the thread man.
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Slacks

Slacks 6819

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Posted
Aggy is talking to another aggy at the table next to myself and little homesick during the Tech/Florida baseball game.

Little Homesick: Dad, who are we cheering for?
Me: The sand aggies buddy.
Little Homesick: But I thought we never cheer for aggy.
Me: It’s just a joke bud. They’re not actually aggy.
Aggy 1 at the adjacent table: No. They’re nothing even close to us. Aggies are winners.
Aggy 2 (Referencing little homesick’s Longhorn cap): Your dad shouldn’t let you where that, they lost to Arkansas.
Little Homesick to aggy 2: When do the aggies play?
(7 or 8 people within earshot start laughing, with one Tech fan making an SEC quip)
Aggy 2: Just wait, Arky’s got this.
(More laughter)
Little Homesick: Dad, you played in the SEC right?
Me: Yeah bud.
Little Homesick (for the walk off): But you were OG SEC huh?






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I am honored to say I have had this kid at my house.
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HOOKEM4

HOOKEM4 5036

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My 3 yr old and I are chilling at the lake. He is sitting at the waters edge playing with the sand. He looks at me as says, "can you imagine if dirt was made of hotdogs, just imagine it"  

Yeah little man, that would be amazing.

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You don't know me

You don't know me 1161

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In the kitchen cooking dinner and the 5 yr old comes in and I ask him what he was doing:
“I’m getting my iPad fucker.”
Um, no you’re not. You’re getting a spanking.
2nd F bomb in the last 2 weeks.
Little asshole.
My 5 yo has started calling his brothers asshole. Wife turns and tries to keep from laughing while I discipline. I do laugh about it later.
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Walden Ponderer

Walden Ponderer 12639

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My 9 year old is verbally apraxic. Severe speech delay -- he is still learning to make intelligible words. On grade level for reading, writing, and 'rithmatic, though.

This evening, he was working on enunciation while doing his multiplication tables, and only those of us in the family could understand... Until he made a mistake. "God damnit" was clear as a bell. We were so proud.

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TenaciousTgarden

TenaciousTgarden 14

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My 2 yr old keeps yelling at his 4 yr old brother "GO TO YOUR ROOM!" It seriously sounds like an adult saying it.  The older one will get in trouble for something and be having a tantrum, but starts to giggle when the 2 yr old comes up and yells this and then tries to push him toward his room. 

4 yr old has so many gems I can't even list them. Best for this forum recently: "Charlie kicked me in my penis and it hurt really bad. Is there any bones in your penis?"

Highly recommend the app "QuoteMe Tots" - I keep track of all the really good ones in there, and it's hilarious to go back and look through them.

Edited by TenaciousTgarden
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Homesickhorn

Homesickhorn 2202

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Just found out from friends that are still friends with my ex on Facebook (I’ve been blocked since the divorce began 4 years ago), that ex mshomesick is engaged.

I knew she was in Mexico, and thought this might be the case, but it would’ve been easier had there been a heads up. Apparently, she proposed.

Once I started fielding the millions of texts asking if I’d heard, I looked at little homesick, and brokered the news.

“Yay!” Was his response.

“As long as he makes your mom happy, and more importantly, as long as he makes you happy, then I’m happy buddy”.

“Dad, you’re the best dad ever. He’s always just gonna be an almost dad”.

 

Sorry, but I had a hard time keeping my allergies from kicking in when I actually thanked my 7yr old son for saying that unprovoked.

 

Here’s my hero.

 

113dd801774ca70c90ce29e7701a9cc6.jpg

 

 

This might’ve been better on the Dad thread.

 

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6647

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On 6/20/2018 at 11:02 PM, Homesickhorn said:

Aggy is talking to another aggy at the table next to myself and little homesick during the Tech/Florida baseball game.

Little Homesick: Dad, who are we cheering for?
Me: The sand aggies buddy.
Little Homesick: But I thought we never cheer for aggy.
Me: It’s just a joke bud. They’re not actually aggy.
Aggy 1 at the adjacent table: No. They’re nothing even close to us. Aggies are winners.
Aggy 2 (Referencing little homesick’s Longhorn cap): Your dad shouldn’t let you where that, they lost to Arkansas.
Little Homesick to aggy 2: When do the aggies play?
(7 or 8 people within earshot start laughing, with one Tech fan making an SEC quip)
Aggy 2: Just wait, Arky’s got this.
(More laughter)
Little Homesick: Dad, you played in the SEC right?
Me: Yeah bud.
Little Homesick (for the walk off): But you were OG SEC huh?






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Let Little Homesick know that not only did aggy not go anywhere for the baseball NCAA series, it's been quite awhile that aggy has bested Sand aggy in meat judging.

https://today.ttu.edu/posts/2017/11/meat-judging-national-championship

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TexTexTex

TexTexTex 104

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The wife was sick the other day and laid up in bed so me and 4yo daughter had the afternoon with just us.  Played board games, card games, made movie tickets, watched lion king while eating pizza and drinking sprite (her special just for movie drink) had an awesome night.  Get her ready for bed tuck her in we talk about how great the afternoon was and as I'm two steps out of her doorway I hear loudly whispered "Dad!"  I walk back in thinking she wants to tell me she loves me one more time. 

4yo: "I wish mom would have taken me to bed tonight.".....what an asshole

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Anastasis

Anastasis 23457

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8 minutes ago, TexTexTex said:

The wife was sick the other day and laid up in bed so me and 4yo daughter had the afternoon with just us.  Played board games, card games, made movie tickets, watched lion king while eating pizza and drinking sprite (her special just for movie drink) had an awesome night.  Get her ready for bed tuck her in we talk about how great the afternoon was and as I'm two steps out of her doorway I hear loudly whispered "Dad!"  I walk back in thinking she wants to tell me she loves me one more time. 

4yo: "I wish mom would have taken me to bed tonight.".....what an asshole

LOL. Sounds familiar.

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kmac30

kmac30 416

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At the in-laws a couple nights ago. A beer commercial comes on. 6 and 5 yr old girls start saying “Beer! Beer! Daddy loves beer!”
So I ask the 6 yr old to go ask mom when we’re leaving. Instead, she tells wife and MIL “Daddy needs to go home right now because he needs beer.”

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6647

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Phone call to me this AM while I'm @ a jobsite (I left the house before they woke up, Mom's @ work):

Monster, calling from landline @ house:  "Dad, where's the Xbox controller + my tablet & Roxette's tablet?"

Me:  "Once y'all rotate the dishes (put away from washer, reload), I'll tell you."

Monster:  "<click>"

 . . . . . . . . .

He never did call back; apparently some kind of YouTube notification went off on his tablet & they found the collection.  I'm gonna have to turn them off next time so even a call won't go through (using VOIP to the phone #'s on them).

Fuckers.

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Modessit

Modessit 5598

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Phone call to me this AM while I'm @ a jobsite (I left the house before they woke up, Mom's @ work):

Monster, calling from landline @ house:  "Dad, where's the Xbox controller + my tablet & Roxette's tablet?"

Me:  "Once y'all rotate the dishes (put away from washer, reload), I'll tell you."

Monster:  ""

 . . . . . . . . .

He never did call back; apparently some kind of YouTube notification went off on his tablet & they found the collection.  I'm gonna have to turn them off next time so even a call won't go through (using VOIP to the phone #'s on them).

Fuckers.
Change the Wifi password every morning before you leave. They get it when chores are done.
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troph

troph 24781

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With Google WiFi you can turn access off by device. It picks up every printer, thermostat, gaming device, watch, phone, tablet, laptop all of it and you can pause, set hours, etc. the parental controls are amazing but the over all WiFi management is just as good. All parents should have it.

 

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