Shit My Kid Says

[blacklab 11926]

8yo: it was 2 years ago

wife: no it was 3 years ago. why do you keep arguing about this

8yo: because you're bad at math

[Longboard Horn 40283]

Just now while talking to the 5 year old:

Me: Hey how’s your friend Sophie?

5 year old: She’s mad at me.

Me: why?

5 year old: Because she smells like poop.

 

[Goofyboy 3268]

The boy heard my wife make a joke about divorce. He looks up from playing and says, “if you and daddy go separate ways, I’m going with mommy.” He was straight faced, as though he’s had to think about this. I just had to laugh.

[You don't know me 1161]

Youngest started Kindergarten today.  11 year old brother tells him that if he poops at school, he better be able to wipe his own butt.  They then get into a long discussion about how the 5 year old doesn't poop at school anyway.  Conversation continues and the 15 yo brother chimes in and says "Hey, if you do poop, just have another kid wipe your butt."  All the males laugh, but mom was a bit upset at big brother putting that idea into his head.  I am waiting for the phone call from the school today.

[Prepuce of Doom 21052]

Ugh. Not looking forward to several more years of poop-related bullshit.

Potty training a willful asshole with an impish sense of humor is a real beating. We've got pissing in the potty down pat, but there's a lot of stubborn resistance to shitting in the potty - he'd still rather sneak off to shit his pants while hiding in the closet or the curtains, even though he's fully capable of letting us know when he's ready to poop.

We've finally resorted to bribery. Five consecutive potty poops earns a trip to the Dollar Store. Fuck up once and the chart is shredded and the streak (haha) begins anew.

[HOOKEM4 5036]

On 8/12/2018 at 9:14 AM, Llogg said:

I'm pretty sure any mesh wifi system has that feature. My Linksys Velop system does.

I do it all the time from my phone. Wife calls telling me the boys did something bad and I kill the net for them. 

They are too young to understand how it is possible none of thier stuff works and mommy's phone/computer/tablet works fine. 

I love technology.

[ABSR 5308]

6 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Ugh. Not looking forward to several more years of poop-related bullshit.

Potty training a willful asshole with an impish sense of humor is a real beating. We've got pissing in the potty down pat, but there's a lot of stubborn resistance to shitting in the potty - he'd still rather sneak off to shit his pants while hiding in the closet or the curtains, even though he's fully capable of letting us know when he's ready to poop.

We've finally resorted to bribery. Five consecutive potty poops earns a trip to the Dollar Store. Fuck up once and the chart is shredded and the streak (haha) begins anew.

We had one like that too.  I think you are making it to hard as little kids can understand immediate gratification versus investing their poop over time.  😉

Ours liked candy, so we got some jelly beans and every toilet poop earned 10 jelly beans.  If he didn’t make it we would let him know he missed out on the candy.  Worked quickly.

[Prepuce of Doom 21052]

We tried that already at the pee phase - quickly became an extortionate scheme where he would claim a need to pee, then five minutes of vein-busting strain in order to eke out a drop, at which point he would expect a Sour Patch Kid.

We quit rewarding him, put him back in diapers for a while, and now that he's back in trainers, he pees in the toilet just fine with no reward. 

We're dealing with a deliberate and calculating little asshole, not a kid who struggles with the concept... 

Edited August 16, 2018 by Prepuce of Doom

[ABSR 5308]

50 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

We're dealing with a deliberate and calculating little asshole, not a kid who struggles with the concept... 

My kid was 14 months old and he was a toddler and had some early words.   I had him in a high chair, bit without the tray and just pushed up against the table.

while eating he stood up in the high chair and I saw him and said “sit down!”   He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and sat down....then stood up again with a shit-eating-grin on his face.

”Sit down and stay down” I said which finally got him in his seat.

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

2 hours ago, ABSR said:

We had one like that too.  I think you are making it to hard as little kids can understand immediate gratification versus investing their poop over time.  😉

Ours liked candy, so we got some jelly beans and every toilet poop earned 10 jelly beans.  If he didn’t make it we would let him know he missed out on the candy.  Worked quickly.

You should have flushed the jelly beans down the toilet when he shit his pants

[Modessit 5598]

We tried that already at the pee phase - quickly became an extortionate scheme where he would claim a need to pee, then five minutes of vein-busting strain in order to eke out a drop, at which point he would expect a Sour Patch Kid.

We quit rewarding him, put him back in diapers for a while, and now that he's back in trainers, he pees in the toilet just fine with no reward. 

We're dealing with a deliberate and calculating little asshole, not a kid who struggles with the concept... 

We're potty training my daughter right now (almost 2.5). She gets candy for poops only and knows it.

 

Now that they're back in daycare, it'll probably happen quickly. My son struggled at first then was trained in under a month once daycare started him on a tight schedule.

 

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

Should we mention this candy reward method in the shart thread?

[Lone Star Horn 2016]

HA, when my daughter was 2, and being potty trained, she was as stubborn as an old mule. She got the hang of peeing in the potty, but she would poop on there, only in her diaper/pull ups. We finally got to the point where we put her in "big girl panties" and she didn't want to mess those up. She held on and didn't poop for 5 days, until she could hold it no more and went on the potty. That's one stubborn little girl.

[Knoxtnhorn 5971]

Not lol funny, but cool all the same.  6 year-old got to find out who and meet his new teacher Thursday.  I asked her where she went to school.  She said SMU.  Son said," Thank God.  I just new all summer I'd get the aggy."

He has apparently been worried about this all summer.

Bonus: new teacher is extremely hot.

[Modessit 5598]

Bonus: new teacher is extremely hot.

Pics aren't showing up.

[Knoxtnhorn 5971]

I'll see what I can do.

[686 3446]

Insight into kid brain priorities:

Kindergartener: "There is a girl in my class that is in a wheel chair and she can't talk, so she has an ipad that she types into and it talks for her. It's so neat. I wish I was her!"

[High Plains Drifter 11024]

On 8/9/2018 at 3:49 PM, kmac30 said:

At the in-laws a couple nights ago. A beer commercial comes on. 6 and 5 yr old girls start saying “Beer! Beer! Daddy loves beer!”
So I ask the 6 yr old to go ask mom when we’re leaving. Instead, she tells wife and MIL “Daddy needs to go home right now because he needs beer.”

 

From the mouth of babes.

 

 

On 8/12/2018 at 8:53 PM, Goofyboy said:

The boy heard my wife make a joke about divorce. He looks up from playing and says, “if you and daddy go separate ways, I’m going with mommy.” He was straight faced, as though he’s had to think about this. I just had to laugh.

 

Youngest said he wanted us to divorce, that way he'd get to go to two Christmases.

 

On 8/16/2018 at 8:56 PM, Grade of D as in David said:

Should we mention this candy reward method in the shart thread?

 

I wonder if that would work for me?

[Goofyboy 3268]

Two christmases... that’s somethinking.

[burntorangebongos 10710]

I saw this on the twitters and thought it should go here:

 

 

 

 

Edited August 25, 2018 by burntorangebongos

[troph 24781]

Two christmases... that’s somethinking.

The sad thing is first year of divorce you hang your hat on whatever you can find. Two Christmases is one of them...

[ImGolfn 77]

16 yr old step son this weekend

"Is margarita salt different than regular salt"

 

I answer yes and then this gem

 

"Is it sweet?"

 

how he is top 8% in his class in high school and damn near an eagle scout sometimes baffles me.

[Apep 645]

Since my son is now a high school freshman, I figured it was time for another father-son chat about girls. He hasn't shown much interest thus far, but he's an Aspie and pretty much every guy in the family was a late bloomer when it came to dating. So I'm dropping awesome dad knowledge about not putting it on a pedestal, how it's a numbers game, etc. The talk went on for some time and was mostly one-sided aside from a few shrugs and I-don't-knows. 

Later that night at dinner, my wife, (his step-mother), asks if he'll be dating this year.

"I think I lack the emotional maturity for dating right now."

Where was that earlier in the day?

 

[Slacks 6819]

16 yr old step son this weekend
"Is margarita salt different than regular salt"
 
I answer yes and then this gem
 
"Is it sweet?"
 
how he is top 8% in his class in high school and damn near an eagle scout sometimes baffles me.

I would expect that from an Eagle, based on the Eagles I know and the Scout kids my boy is around. Different breed of dudes.

[Knoxtnhorn 5971]

Woman just walked into the bbq restaurant with a Saw 'Em Off shirt.  6 year-old yelled, "AGGIES SUCK" really, really loud.  My wife was not happy; I chortled.

[Knoxtnhorn 5971]

I'm really not that much of a heathen as a parent.  He was corrected about his manners and public behavior.  That being said, you bring "stupid shit my kid says" on yourself when you wear a shirt like that.

[Longboard Horn 40283]

4 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Woman just walked into the bbq restaurant with a Saw 'Em Off shirt.  6 year-old yelled, "AGGIES SUCK" really, really loud.  My wife was not happy; I chortled.

Perfect example of good parenting.

[NorthLoop 14180]

On 8/27/2018 at 8:24 PM, ImGolfn said:

16 yr old step son this weekend

"Is margarita salt different than regular salt"

 

I answer yes and then this gem

 

"Is it sweet?"

 

how he is top 8% in his class in high school and damn near an eagle scout sometimes baffles me.

Or he's really smart and has you looking the other way

[Prepuce of Doom 21052]

Photo from the other day.

I'll spare you the difficulty of comparing serial numbers - it's not even a different printout.

The only days he hasn't shit in his pants are days that he doesn't shit. 

Edited August 31, 2018 by Prepuce of Doom

[demos 3002]

Had Rene Magritte riding in the back seat yesterday.

Driving to the library, and as we're coming to a stop light, 2yo says, "Doggie."

Me: Did you see a doggie?

2yo: Yes.

6yo: No, dad, it was just a picture of a dog.

Ceci n'est pas un chien.

Edited September 17, 2018 by demos

[Slacks 6819]

So I asking wife if the Big Brother has had a sports physical. she says he doesn't need one because he has a well child. I ask if the well child checks for hernia and whatnot. She says, "Yeah, that's the part where the doctor says, 'Nobody should touch you here unless Mom and Dad say its ok..."

Little Brother is in the kitchen and says, matter of factly, "Unless he has a girlfriend or a wife."

Little brother knows things.

[Druggist 303]

While watching Nailed It (cooking show on Netflix) they had to make a cake shaped like a grill but the host kept calling it a barbecue.  Before I could say anything my 8 yo daughter (no pics) yelled at the screen “it’s a grill, barbecue is meat!”

Proud dad moment.

[luke duke 6412]

On 8/31/2018 at 8:47 AM, Prepuce of Doom said:

The only days he hasn't shit in his pants are days that he doesn't shit. 

Try rubbing his nose in it.

[Whatever 700]

At the store buying my 2.5 year old son new socks & my wife puts the pack of socks in the basket:

Son grabs them and proclaims quite loudly, "My new cocks!!!"

Wife and I both were crying laughing.

[CooterBrown 18001]

My youngest is a grade A troll.


5 YO to me: “You should get married again if mom dies cause you’re great.”

Mrs Brown: “what about me?”

5 YO: “You need to be alone.”

[Longboard Horn 40283]

On 10/6/2018 at 7:38 AM, CooterBrown said:

My youngest is a grade A troll.


5 YO to me: “You should get married again if mom dies cause you’re great.”

Mrs Brown: “what about me?”

5 YO: “You need to be alone.”
 

That sounds like something I would have said when I was 5.

[Chad Fuck 17658]

On 10/6/2018 at 7:38 AM, CooterBrown said:

My youngest is a grade A troll.


5 YO to me: “You should get married again if mom dies cause you’re great.”

Mrs Brown: “what about me?”

5 YO: “You need to be alone.”
 

Oh snap. Momma's never gonna forget the one.

This week:

Chad, Jr.:  [out of nowhere while playing with toys] What is the last nerf?

Confused Chad:  What?

Chad, Jr.:  The last nerf.  What is it?

More Confused Chad:  Where did you hear that?

Chad, Jr.:  Mr. [Kindergarten teacher] told us we were getting his last nerf.  But he hasn't given it to us yet.

Mrs. Chad:   [from kitchen en Chez Fuck - uproarious laughter]

[Superhero 8824]

My 6 year old lost her first tooth the other day (it got lost down the drain so it look a few days before I had time to undo the p-trap, but I digress). Anyway, we finally put it under her pillow last night.

The exchange at the kitchen table went something like this.

Daughter: Dada, guess how much the tooth fairy gave me for my tooth?

Me: I dunno, how much?

Daughter: 5 Dollars!

Me: That’s a lot of money!

Daughter: I know! My friend Jack only got to $3!   It must have been a different tooth fairy.

[SilasCoade 2622]

2 hours ago, Superhero said:

My 6 year old lost her first tooth the other day (it got lost down the drain so it look a few days before I had time to undo the p-trap, but I digress). Anyway, we finally put it under her pillow last night.

The exchange at the kitchen table went something like this.

Daughter: Dada, guess how much the tooth fairy gave me for my tooth?

Me: I dunno, how much?

Daughter: 5 Dollars!

Me: That’s a lot of money!

Daughter: I know! My friend Jack only got to $3!   It must have been a different tooth fairy.

My nephew lost his first tooth. My brother-in-law is a firefighter and was on his overnight shift so his wife was handling fairy duty. Rather than money she decided to put a chocolate bar under his pillow. B-I-L came home in the morning trying to figure out how poo got smeared all over the bedding and pillows.

[Chad Fuck 17658]

Chad Jr. is still learning to properly clean himself after dropping a deuce.  We usually monitor the situation closely, but one got by us and Chad Jr. come out with this gem:  "My butthole is spicy!"  

Obviously Chad Jr. equates spicy with hot/irritating food.  

Then today, Chad Jr. is going to a new school, where they had a ribbon cutting ceremony.  State rep was there, plus other assorted sundry well wishers.  They played a video of the kids beforehand, saying things like "I want to be a scientist!  I want to be an engineer!" and other socially approved highly aspirational goals.  Chad Jr. pops up and says "I want to be a fighter pilot so I can blow things up!"  It was on FB live, and he got negged when he said that.  

I'll have to have a chat with him about the difference between breaking things and making things, but...

[GSU&UT 1798]

Hahaha, so you saw a bunch of frowny faces stroll across the stream when he said that? That's gold

[Chad Fuck 17658]

4 minutes ago, GSU&UT said:

Hahaha, so you saw a bunch of frowny faces stroll across the stream when he said that? That's gold

Just one, but it was the only one, so it was noticeable. 

[Jameslaw121 4448]

On Friday nights, if 5 yo had a good week at school. he and I watch a movie. We finished the first movie around 8. and he said "Hey daddy, can we watch another movie?" 

Me "Sure bud, but before I start it you need to brush your teeth and get ready for bed. The bring a blanket and pillow in here and we can cuddle on the couch together"

Start watching Man of Steel. He's half awake half asleep with his head on my chest. Then the scene where the the alien ship comes down to earth starts. He snaps his head up looks at the tv. The looks at me and says : "What the fuck is that????"

[Goofyboy 3268]

Watched the first 10 - 15 minutes of Spaceballs last night. The 7 year old read the “I ️ Uranus” and cracked up. Kid has a 12 year olds sense of humor.

He also grabbed his balls and said “like these Spaceballs!!??” after I told him the title. His mother was not as amused as I was.

[1978horn 892]

Went into my 12 year old sons room to say good night.

Son: Hey Dad, do you like Imagine Dragons?

Me: No

Son: Your supposed to say yes! Do you like Imagine Dragons?

Me : Yes

Son: Imagine Dragon my balls on your face!

Me: That was funny, good one!

Going to say goodnight to my daughter after that exchange and hear my wife yell out my sons name!

Me while walking by his room: No your audience son.

Wife thought it was funny later when we talked about it though.

[Anastasis 23454]

So that’s how it is in your family. 

[OrangEngr 1035]

18 hours ago, Chad Fuck said:

Just one, but it was the only one, so it was noticeable. 

Asshole obviously DOES NOT support the troops.

[Chad Fuck 17658]

3 hours ago, OrangEngr said:

Asshole obviously DOES NOT support the troops.

Lol.  Yeah, if he'd said, "Be a fighter pilot and protect our country" that would've gone over better.  I'm fine with the 5 yr. old version of "fly fast, fuck shit up."

 

[High Plains Drifter 11024]

Skinny ass 6 yr old boy was flexing in the tub. (He looks like a starving Eithiopian, just without all the flies and death and swollen stomach.)

 "Dad, just look at how ripped I am!"

[Jameslaw121 4448]

Ran into someone I haven't seen in a while with my 5 yo. 

Guy "Man he looks just like you."

5 yo "No I don't. I have hair."