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Shit My Kid Says

ROFL BOX

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Hmbre97
Hmbre97

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

Post Oak
Post Oak

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

burns_312
burns_312

I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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Superhero

Superhero 8,898

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My 7 YO has invented a new word.

He referred to his private parts as his penis. 

I told him only doctors would use that word, and he should just call it his weener.

So the new word is…

 

Weenis

 

We’ve been using that word for the past few weeks now. I’m hoping it’ll catch on and make it into the urban dictionary. 

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13,253

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1 hour ago, Superhero said:

My 7 YO has invented a new word.

He referred to his private parts as his penis. 

I told him only doctors would use that word, and he should just call it his weener.

So the new word is…

 

Weenis

 

We’ve been using that word for the past few weeks now. I’m hoping it’ll catch on and make it into the urban dictionary. 

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Weenis

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Lone Star Horn

Lone Star Horn 2,032

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On 3/18/2022 at 8:15 AM, Elvis said:

I was heading out to Thundercloud, and I asked my 12yo if he wanted a sandwich. 

"sure."  

Whatcha want?

What are you getting?

The usual.  Want one?  

Well you seam like you know what you're doing.

Damn right.  Good boy.

Depends, are you the 50-60s Elvis, or the 70s Elvis ready to keel over? 

 

hint:

he might be calling you fat.

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CooterBrown

CooterBrown 18,100

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9YO is watching TV and asks me “Is this girl really a boy?”

I look up and say “No, that’s Dolly Parton. She’s a woman and a old singer from back in the day.”

9YO: “I thought she had to be a boy because there’s no way those boobs are real.”

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 41,063

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@Prepuce of Doom I'm wondering if Doomlet and one of my nephews were separated at birth. 

While zoom calling my sister and BIL on Sunday my nephew wanted to talk to me. He's in a phase where he likes everything that has to do with pirates. This is how the conversation went:

Nephew: "Hey uncle Longboard do you wanna hear my pirate song?"

Me: "Sure, go for it!"

Nephew: *singing "A pirate's life is a life for me! I bury poop and enemies drink my pee!" 

My BIL and I lol'd. My sister was not amused. 

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thunderlounge

thunderlounge 8,049

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3 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

@Prepuce of Doom I'm wondering if Doomlet and one of my nephews were separated at birth. 

While zoom calling my sister and BIL on Sunday my nephew wanted to talk to me. He's in a phase where he likes everything that has to do with pirates. This is how the conversation went:

Nephew: "Hey uncle Longboard do you wanna hear my pirate song?"

Me: "Sure, go for it!"

Nephew: *singing "A pirate's life is a life for me! I bury poop and enemies drink my pee!" 

My BIL and I lol'd. My sister was not amused. 

But does he want to sing and dance, and wear tight shiny pants?

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Superhero

Superhero 8,898

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Daughter was iMessaging her friend from her iPad...

 

Me: Who are you texting?

9YO: Lisa.

Me: Does she use iPad or does she have a phone?

9YO: She has her own phone. She IS the only child you know.

 

I didn't know being a single child automatically qualifies you to get a phone.

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21,130

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No, but he currently thinks that it's the height of comedy to tuck his penis up over the top of his elastic waistband but keep it hidden under his shirt, and to then "surprise" us by defiantly/tauntingly lifting his shirt to expose himself in a way that I wish I could say was still unexpected. 

 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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Brisketexan

Brisketexan 105,677

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No, but he currently thinks that it's the height of comedy to tuck his penis up over the top of his elastic waistband but keep it hidden under his shirt, and to then "surprise" us by defiantly/tauntingly lifting his shirt to expose himself in a way that I wish I could say was still unexpected. 
 

I presume that you’ve already set up a campaign fund for doomlet’s inevitable run for POTUS - send the info so we can contribute.
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Bevo&Pevo

Bevo&Pevo 5,400

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7 hours ago, Brisketexan said:


I presume that you’ve already set up a campaign fund for doomlet’s inevitable run for POTUS - send the info so we can contribute.

I'm in.  It's always good to know a guy in the right place.  You never know when you might need a favor.

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Dutchrudder

Dutchrudder 11,160

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3 year old is now getting to watch some movies. We have watched Elf, Finding Nemo, Cars, Cars 2, The Grinch and Wall-e so far. Decided to watch Bambi with him today, since it's mostly about cute animals fucking around in the forest. We knew the mom's death scene was coming at some point, so we were preparing to deal with it. 

Movie: Mood darkens, music is ominous, gunshot heard, Bambi is running out of the meadow by himself. He's in the woods, milling about, shouting for his mommy. He can't find her, it's dark, he's looking for her frantically.  

3yo: Where did his mommy go?

Wife: I don't know.

3yo: Did she go to the food store?

Wife: Maybe?

3yo: She must have gone to the food store to get food!

Wife: Yeah, probably!

 

Crisis averted.

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ztejas

ztejas 43,773

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4 hours ago, Dutchrudder said:

3 year old is now getting to watch some movies. We have watched Elf, Finding Nemo, Cars, Cars 2, The Grinch and Wall-e so far. Decided to watch Bambi with him today, since it's mostly about cute animals fucking around in the forest. We knew the mom's death scene was coming at some point, so we were preparing to deal with it. 

Movie: Mood darkens, music is ominous, gunshot heard, Bambi is running out of the meadow by himself. He's in the woods, milling about, shouting for his mommy. He can't find her, it's dark, he's looking for her frantically.  

3yo: Where did his mommy go?

Wife: I don't know.

3yo: Did she go to the food store?

Wife: Maybe?

3yo: She must have gone to the food store to get food!

Wife: Yeah, probably!

 

Crisis averted.

This is easily one of my favorite SNL bits from the past decade (not that the competition is super stiff).

 

Edited by ztejas
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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17,767

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On 3/21/2022 at 10:03 PM, CooterBrown said:

9YO is watching TV and asks me “Is this girl really a boy?”

I look up and say “No, that’s Dolly Parton. She’s a woman and a old singer from back in the day.”

9YO: “I thought she had to be a boy because there’s no way those boobs are real.”

200.gif

 

 

On 4/1/2022 at 3:31 PM, demos said:

6yo girl to mom: you have fat titties

Me: well, you do

(No pics)

Boooo!!!!!

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Post Oak

Post Oak 20,357

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On 4/2/2022 at 11:58 AM, Prepuce of Doom said:

No, but he currently thinks that it's the height of comedy to tuck his penis up over the top of his elastic waistband but keep it hidden under his shirt, and to then "surprise" us by defiantly/tauntingly lifting his shirt to expose himself in a way that I wish I could say was still unexpected. 

 

783dbde9-5634-4279-a244-1af303042a08_tex

 

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 41,063

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On 4/2/2022 at 12:02 PM, Brisketexan said:


I presume that you’ve already set up a campaign fund for doomlet’s inevitable run for POTUS - send the info so we can contribute.

 

On 4/2/2022 at 7:47 PM, Bevo&Pevo said:

I'm in.  It's always good to know a guy in the right place.  You never know when you might need a favor.

 

On 4/2/2022 at 8:39 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

I don't know about this idea, guys. 

New Surly NIL for Doomlet: Butt Ends

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Superhero

Superhero 8,898

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My kid came running into the house yelling “I need to poop real bad!”

I’m in the living room doing something. He pulls down his pants. and instead of going straight into the toilet, he comes up to me, spreads his butt cheeks in front of my face and asks “Look daddy. Am I turtling?”

He laughs and runs to the bathroom.

I have no idea where he learned that from. 

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11,070

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The fam was discussing the easter bunny (11 yr old knows its all bullshit, but plays along anyway) and wife said something about the easter bunny and used the pronoun "he". I said "he? I always thought the easter bunny was a she?" Wife said "I don't know, what gender is the easter bunny anyway?"

Daughter said "probably non-binary".

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11,070

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On 4/23/2022 at 5:01 PM, Superhero said:

My kid came running into the house yelling “I need to poop real bad!”

I’m in the living room doing something. He pulls down his pants. and instead of going straight into the toilet, he comes up to me, spreads his butt cheeks in front of my face and asks “Look daddy. Am I turtling?”

He laughs and runs to the bathroom.

I have no idea where he learned that from. 

 

and that kid was Albert Einstein.

 

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Mr. Blutarsky

Mr. Blutarsky 133

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Took the two and four year old to the Dicsh this weekend and they had a blast. They both think the horns won rather than getting our asses kicked. Anyway, the four year old sees that osu is wearing black hats and for the rest of the game keeps saying that we need to beat the black guys. As in we're gonna punch those black guys in the face. My wife is mortified and I just keep telling him to say okie lite or some derivation there of and then very loudly telling him that yes, the other team is wearing black hats making sure that everyone in our section heard me. 

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Superhero

Superhero 8,898

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Working with my 7 YO on his book report.

 

7 YO: The author's name is Tim Warn... (can't pronounce the second part).

* It's Tim Warnes. I have no idea if it's pronounced Warnz, or Warn-es, but I go with Warn-es *

Me: His name is Tim Warn-es.

* me seeing the gears grinding in his head *

Me: I know what you're going to say, don't say it.

7 YO: It's sounds a little like penis.

 

I have no idea where he gets his sense of humor, but he cracks me up at least 3-4 times a week.

 

 

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