Shit My Kid Says

[pops 7,007]

1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

I have been to Kaohsiung, and am not surprised a dish like that is offered.

You liberated it? 

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

2 hours ago, pops said:

You liberated it? 

He founded it! 

[thunderlounge 7,953]

10 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

He founded it! 

After his retirement from his position with the Ming Dynasty!

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

He's really excited about his upcoming park district basketball league. 

This morning he asked Mrs. Doom whether there were going to be post-game press conferences for the players. 

~~~~~

This story came home yesterday. 

[edited for spelling] 

"Once upon a time there was a beholder that lived in a dungeon. He was very lonely and no one wanted to play with him. Everyone thought he was scary. 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA he cried. 

Then he attacked two people with his eye rays! *boom! *BOOOM! 

He possessed someone and controlled the other person's brain.

He was one evil guy! He was so evil that he went to evil school. 

Written by: Noneya Bissnise!"

Edited November 3, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[Scheiss Meister 8,413]

No butt or poop?  I am disappoint.

[SilasCoade 2,622]

11 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

No butt or poop?  I am disappoint.

1. Username checks out

2. What do you think he was planning to talk about at the press conference?

 

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

Today he:

-got in trouble for sticking his (clothed, thankfully) butt through the doorway of a different second grade classroom and wiggling it around instead of going straight to the bathroom;

-once in the bathroom, instead of going into the stall with an open door and which was obviously unoccupied, he somehow jimmied open the lock to a closed stall, and upon discovering that it was occupied, let out a scream "like a girl" (his words) that was so loud, shrill, and alarming that several teachers left their classrooms to investigate; 

-picked up a technical foul from his own coach for excessively arguing a call during a scrimmage at the end of park district basketball practice; and 

-sharted. 

Edited November 12, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[Scheiss Meister 8,413]

17 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Today he:

-got in trouble for sticking his (clothed, thankfully) butt through the doorway of a different second grade classroom and wiggling it around instead of going straight to the bathroom;

-once in the bathroom, instead of going into the stall with an open door and which was obviously unoccupied, he somehow jimmied open the lock to a closed stall, and upon discovering that it was occupied, let out a scream "like a girl" (his words) that was so loud, shrill, and alarming that several teachers left their classrooms to investigate; 

-picked up a technical foul from his own coach for excessively arguing a call during a scrimmage at the end of park district basketball practice; and 

-sharted. 

Doomlet had himself a hell of a day.

[BigDHornfan 6,553]

My son handed me a ziplock bag he farted into and told me to smell it.
Told him to go first. He wouldn’t.

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

21 minutes ago, BigDHornfan said:

My son handed me a ziplock bag he farted into and told me to smell it.
Told him to go first. He wouldn’t.

I've mailed ziplocks full of farts to my friends before. 

[Scheiss Meister 8,413]

1 minute ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

I've mailed ziplocks full of farts to my friends before. 

I've never done that.  Now you've got me questioning my whole life.

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

Supposedly, the smell dissipates by the time it's delivered. 

But it's the thought that counts. 

[BigDHornfan 6,553]

I've never done that.  Now you've got me questioning my whole life.

Username sort of checks out

[Superhero 8,848]

My son's report card was all As except for art in which he got a B. (He sucks at art and surprised he didn't flunk).

 

Me: Hey, you did really well. All As except for art.

7 YO: Well arts not a real subject.

 

As an asian parent, I felt so proud of him.

[hookemATL 11,917]

“This Mexican food is giving me Mexican farts.”

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

Pete Gillen just appeared on our television to talk (in whatever language he speaks) about the upcoming Auburn/Northwestern game, to which the Doomlet solemnly observed, "that guy looks very overheated." 

Edited November 24, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[Modessit 5,606]

In a restaurant. 6yo daughter keeps getting out of her chair and walking around.

Wife: You have 3 seconds to sit down or I'm taking you outside.

Daughter: Oh yeah? Well, you have 3 seconds to stand up!

(As my wife was dragging her towards the door)

Daughter: I WAS GOING TO SIT DOWN! MAMA! I WAS GOING TO SIT DOWN!

I might have to get started on making a new daughter tonight.

[OrangEngr 1,035]

She just knows how to play to the social media reporters. Scream loud enough and people will start recording all the evidence you need.

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

Doomlet is experiencing his first real bout of diarrhea as a sentient being right now. Also threw up in the middle of the night last night while I was out of town. 

This morning, Mrs. Doom covered the furniture with towels and sheets in case he threw up again, and when he first saw it, he said it looked like a crime scene. 

After his fourth or fifth shit of the day, he just sort of said with a defeated tone that he "liked talking about poop a lot more than actually doing it." 

 

Edited December 17, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[Scheiss Meister 8,413]

2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet is experiencing his first real bout of diarrhea as a sentient being right now. Also threw up in the middle of the night last night while I was out of town. 

This morning, Mrs. Doom covered the furniture with towels and sheets in case he threw up again, and when he first saw it, he said it looked like a crime scene. 

After his fourth or fifth shit of the day, he just sort of said with a defeated tone that he "liked talking about poop a lot more than actually doing it." 

 

Poor guy.  I hope he gets over his crud quickly.  Being a sick kid at Christmastime sucks, even more than having a sick kid at Christmastime does.

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

He'll be fine by the time it matters... 

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

Minor trouble at school today. Farting around hanging off of the bathroom partitions (not sure if this was the haunted bathroom or not) and some kid told on him, so his teacher made him write us a note of contrition. 

If you look closely, you can see that he initially blamed David for doing it first, and then erased David's name and left it anonymous. 

The Dooms ain't raising no rat! 

[Guadaloopy 11,022]

On 11/12/2022 at 1:38 PM, Scheiss Meister said:

Doomlet had himself a hell of a day.

"If you moon, you scream, and you shart... that's a full day.  That's a heckuva day."

- Jimmy V

 

[tbone_ 14,182]

The boobs around the edges of the note are a nice touch

[Longboard Horn 40,545]

Am I in trouble?

yay

Classic 

[Superhero 8,848]

Setting the stage in a long winded way...

My boy doesn't like to speak Mandarin. He understands what we're saying, but he replies in English. 3 years and thousands of dollars in Chinese classes down the toilet. Anyway, my parents are visiting and staying with us, and I ask them to only speak to him in Chinese. He's slowly opening up and finally responding to my mom. At dinner the other night. 

 

My mom in Chinese (translated here, obviously):  You should eat more fish, it'll make you smarter.

My boy: I'm already smart.

 

I never thought he could say those words, and was surprised and amused that he responded that way to my mom.

[GoPokes83 2,240]

Minor trouble at school today. Farting around hanging off of the bathroom partitions (not sure if this was the haunted bathroom or not) and some kid told on him, so his teacher made him write us a note of contrition. 
If you look closely, you can see that he initially blamed David for doing it first, and then erased David's name and left it anonymous. 

The Dooms ain't raising no rat! 

Damn , your kid’s in school during Christmas week?

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

20 minutes ago, GoPokes83 said:

Damn , your kid’s in school during Christmas week?

We're in Chicago, so with the significant potential for snow days throughout the winter, the district doesn't want to fuck around and end up having to run too late into the summer... 

[GoPokes83 2,240]

We're in Chicago, so with the significant potential for snow days throughout the winter, the district doesn't want to fuck around and end up having to run too late into the summer... 

[Modessit 5,606]

Damn , your kid’s in school during Christmas week?

AISD's last day was today. But they don't go back until Jan 9th.

[CooterBrown 18,032]

Lil’ Brown’s Girl Scout troop had a holiday party last weekend. One mom ran a Xmas-Hanukkah trivia game.

When it was my little heathen’s turn the question was “where was Jesus born?”

Lil’ Brown answered “Austin, Texas”.

Someone else then gave the right answer.

Lil’ Brown then replied, “How am I supposed to know which Jesus if you’re not going to give me a last name?”

Later Lil’ Brown asked who Jesus was because dad always says we only celebrate the pagan aspects of Christmas.

[nnm 36,669]

16 minutes ago, CooterBrown said:

Lil’ Brown’s Girl Scout troop had a holiday party last weekend. One mom ran a Xmas-Hanukkah trivia game.

When it was my little heathen’s turn the question was “where was Jesus born?”

Lil’ Brown answered “Austin, Texas”.

Someone else then gave the right answer.

Lil’ Brown then replied, “How am I supposed to know which Jesus if you’re not going to give me a last name?”

Later Lil’ Brown asked who Jesus was because dad always says we only celebrate the pagan aspects of Christmas.

Jesus could not have been born in Austin.  The absence of both three wise men and a virgin precluded that possibility.

Edited December 23, 2022 by nnm

[Wiler77 1,576]

10 hours ago, CooterBrown said:

Lil’ Brown’s Girl Scout troop had a holiday party last weekend. One mom ran a Xmas-Hanukkah trivia game.

When it was my little heathen’s turn the question was “where was Jesus born?”

Lil’ Brown answered “Austin, Texas”.

No son. Jesus wasn't born in Austin. He only played football here from 2003-2005.

[Wiler77 1,576]

We've had a bunch of treats delivered by neighbors, co-workers, etc.

We offer the kids some Godiva chocolate truffles after lunch, but we tell the 6 year old he has to finish his meal first. He's the slowest eater ever, so like 20 min later he pushes the plate forward and says "now can I have some of that vagina chocolate?"

[Superhero 8,848]

We overuse the word "super" in our household. Everything is super loud, super yummy, super whatever...

I challenged my kids to stop saying super, and use other words instead. So my 7 YO says...

Very-Man is really strong and he can also see through walls.

[Superhero 8,848]

The kids are on winter break and spending too much time on their iPads and other electronics. This morning I turned off WiFi to their devices (using the eero app), and gave them a list of things to do before I give them back WiFi access.

One of the items on the list is "play with something other than electronics."  My son asked me what that meant, and like an Asian parent, I told him to use his mind and figure it out.

His response (without pausing) was "If you want me to use my mind, you need to give me a Mind User 5000".

 

That kid is too smart for his own good.

 

 

[ABSR 5,325]

3 minutes ago, Superhero said:

The kids are on winter break and spending too much time on their iPads and other electronics. This morning I turned off WiFi to their devices (using the eero app), and gave them a list of things to do before I give them back WiFi access.

One of the items on the list is "play with something other than electronics."  My son asked me what that meant, and like an Asian parent, I told him to use his mind and figure it out.

His response (without pausing) was "If you want me to use my mind, you need to give me a Mind User 5000".

 

That kid is too smart for his own good.

 

 

I would have just rubbed one out, and then asked for my iPad back.

[Superhero 8,848]

7 year old dude. Little dude doesn't know what it means to rub one out.

And plus, who uses their mind when they're they're flailing away? I suck at multi-tasking, but I bet I can do that while doing laundry.

[Mittens 8,312]

17 hours ago, Superhero said:

7 year old dude. Little dude doesn't know what it means to rub one out.

Late bloomer, eh?

[texastough 1,129]

overheard my 3 and 4 year old boys talking . . . "you have to fart really quiet at fancy restaurants"

[Armybrat 40,920]

23 minutes ago, texastough said:

overheard my 3 and 4 year old boys talking . . . "you have to fart really quiet at fancy restaurants"

“But you can go all in at McDonald’s”

[nnm 36,669]

On 1/4/2023 at 9:34 AM, Armybrat said:

“But you can go all in at McDonald’s”

For me, McDonalds was a fancy restaurant when I was a kid. We lived so far in the sticks, there wasn’t a restaurant for more than a 30-minute drive. McD’s didn’t open until I was in junior high or thereabouts. Only rich people ate at any restaurant at all.

[HenryJames 66,188]

Five year old daughter - “I wish I was the daughter of the God of Death.”

[ABSR 5,325]

11 hours ago, HenryJames said:

Five year old daughter - “I wish I was the daughter of the God of Death.”

“Have you talked to Mommy before her morning coffee?”

[Hmbre97 6,333]

Took my boys (6 and 11) to lunch yesterday. My 6 yr old is really into pretend play right now and is constantly saying "pretend I'm a ________" about everything we do. On the other side, my 11 yr old is slowly losing his innocence after just half a year in middle school.

We're getting ready to leave and my youngest takes one more drag off his root beer, then says "this root beer really tastes like a root beer dum-dum." As we get up and start to walk through this crowded restaurant to leave, he goes "pretend I'm a root beer dum-dum and suck on me". My oldest immediately goes "Ayyyyee yoooo" and starts giggling. As we're walking, he just keep saying "suck me, suck me, suck me, suck on my head" which sends my oldest over the edge. 

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

He responded, "What is my penis?" to half of the Jeopardy! round before we could sufficiently threaten him enough to get him to stop. 

[TKthunder2 4,998]

Clearly a theme from school this week with my 6yo.

”Dr Martin Luther King JR wanted all people to have the same skin color as him”

Playing pretend with a kids doctor set with his 3 yo sister…

“Do you want to be a nurse or Dr Martin Luther King JR?”

[Prepuce of Doom 21,108]

He's in the living room, supposedly doing his nightly reading, but is actually entertaining himself by picking his nose. 

He didn't have a Kleenex in there with him, so he's been wiping bloody wintertime boogers on his own leg instead. 

Spoilered because I wouldn't subject you all to this involuntary. 

Spoiler

 

[Armybrat 40,920]

Looks like you need to mow the carpet.

Edited January 24, 2023 by Armybrat

[SHOOTER12 8,833]

6 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Looks like you need to mow the carpet.

That's the least of his worries.