Shit My Kid Says

[HenryJames 65251]

Seven-year-old daughter: Do you know what my second greatest fear is?

Me: ?

Her: Clowns.

Me: What is your greatest fear?

Her: Taxidermy and zombies.

Me: …

 

[Goofyboy 3002]

Seven-year-old daughter: Do you know what my second greatest fear is?
Me: ?
Her: Clowns.
Me: What is your greatest fear?
Her: Taxidermy and zombies.
Me: …
 

That’s awesome and damn - she’s already 7??

[HenryJames 65251]

[High Plains Drifter 10930]

 

juice boxes and doritos. Snacks of champions. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

He has named his favorite pair of shorts "John." 

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

Mrs. Doom made skirt steak for dinner tonight. 

He asked - in all seriousness - whether it was "wolf meat." He didn't understand that it was from a cow and was legitimately asking. 

He then wanted to know why we don't eat wolf. 

He has eaten skirt steak every ~3 weeks for years. 

Edited March 10 by Prepuce of Doom

[Superhero 8595]

My son and I play a game called Bloons DT6. An online game where you can team up with others to pop balloons.

The communication options are limited. You can only call out players and use emojis to thank, warn or give them a facepalm when they do something stupid.

The emoji disappeared and my son said he took off because it was mean spirited, and he didn’t want to be mean.

Im so proud of this boy. 

[Longboard Horn 39843]

7 hours ago, Superhero said:

My son and I play a game called Bloons DT6. An online game where you can team up with others to pop balloons.

The communication options are limited. You can only call out players and use emojis to thank, warn or give them a facepalm when they do something stupid.

The emoji disappeared and my son said he took off because it was mean spirited, and he didn’t want to be mean.

Im so proud of this boy. 

Love that game! It's a perfect time killer. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

He's taking a bath and called me in to brandish his penis at me while saying, "Look dad, I found a hotdog at the bottom of the tub!" 

~~~~~

The other day he called his mother into the bathroom to show her a turd "shaped like a pistol." 

She did not appreciate it. 

Edited March 20 by Prepuce of Doom

[SHOOTER12 8768]

On 3/8/2024 at 12:14 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

He has named his favorite pair of shorts "John." 

Well, with his history you're lucky he didn't name them "poop".

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

15 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Well, with his history you're lucky he didn't name them "poop".

Let's not get too ahead of ourselves - he has many other garments yet to be named...

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

Just discovered this charming piece of artwork on the back of one of my March Madness papers. 

 

[HenryJames 65251]

Daughter: Is JoJo Siwa still alive?

Me: [Googles JoJo Siwa]...yes.

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

We were playing Pokémon Go yesterday and driving around in a caravan to get perfect specimens (caught 6 hundo Bellsprouts...) and Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back came on the radio. 

We talked about the importance of not using words that we didn't know the meaning of, and about situational contexts of appropriateness. 

Later in the day, a somewhat similar sounding song came on the radio, and Doomlet asked, "Dad, is this Dr. Mix-A-Lot again?" 

*Bask in jealousy, fellow nerds...

[Dnaguy 11565]

Backstory:

5 year old pukes in upstairs bathroom when kids are supposed to be showering. When I go to clean up and ask what happened she says she has a headache and maybe sick. She needs to have her temperature taken.

Dinner:

Wife - Oh no, DNAgirl. Why were you sick

DNAsister (7 year old): you know how she gets. [backstory is that the youngest pukes at the drop of a hat…  which sucks]

DNAgirl: I need my temperature taken

[I take temp and it’s 97]
Me: it says you’re ok

DNAgirl: Oh. Well now I remember. 
Me: remember what?

DNAgirl: DNAsis and I were playing upstairs and when she held my neck I felt sick and threw up.

[DNAwife and I look at each other]
DNAsis: [silence] {glare of a thousand suns at DNAgirl}

 

Seems as if some kiddos are losing iPad time this weekend for their little conspiracy….. 

Edited April 24 by Dnaguy

[ROFL BOX 6622]

23 minutes ago, Dnaguy said:

Backstory:

she held my neck I felt sick and threw up.

❓️

What's this, the "choke out" game?

[ROFL BOX 6622]

On 2/29/2024 at 7:13 AM, HenryJames said:

Hey, hey... cool kid alert: Lion Cub.

Hoping he achieved Esgle one day.

[Superhero 8595]

Son to daughter gong back and forth about something or other.

Son to daughter:  I’d roast you right now, but mommy told me not to burn trash.

[GoPokes83 2236]

Daughter: Is JoJo Siwa still alive?
Me: [Googles JoJo Siwa]...yes.

Oh yeah… She’s still around, kinda. She’s decided to be a “bad” girl now and put out a song with the word bitch in it to prove it. Baby 83 says it’s the same cringe, different clothes.

[Superhero 8595]

Talking to my wife last night about the home values in our neighborhood.

Me: Zillow said the should be between $1.9M - &2.1M.

9 YO on his iPad without missing a beat: Yeah, but what does Redfin say?

[ROFL BOX 6622]

@Superhero dropping the Surly top 3% humble right there.

[nnm 35552]

3 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

@Superhero dropping the Surly top 3% humble right there.

[ABSR 5274]

19 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

@Superhero dropping the Surly top 3% humble right there.

He lives in California.  That is top 20% humble.

[TrashMaster G 17271]

On 4/23/2024 at 11:12 PM, Dnaguy said:

Backstory:

5 year old pukes in upstairs bathroom when kids are supposed to be showering. When I go to clean up and ask what happened she says she has a headache and maybe sick. She needs to have her temperature taken.

Dinner:

Wife - Oh no, DNAgirl. Why were you sick

DNAsister (7 year old): you know how she gets. [backstory is that the youngest pukes at the drop of a hat…  which sucks]

DNAgirl: I need my temperature taken

[I take temp and it’s 97]
Me: it says you’re ok

DNAgirl: Oh. Well now I remember. 
Me: remember what?

DNAgirl: DNAsis and I were playing upstairs and when she held my neck I felt sick and threw up.

[DNAwife and I look at each other]
DNAsis: [silence] {glare of a thousand suns at DNAgirl}

 

Seems as if some kiddos are losing iPad time this weekend for their little conspiracy….. 

@Dnaguy - you realize you just got a very disturbing glimpse into your daughters' future sex lives, right?

[Superhero 8595]

2 hours ago, ABSR said:

He lives in California.  That is top 20% humble.

EXACTLY. Not anywhere close to 3%. Not even top 5%. But my wife spends money on vacations like we’re in the top 0.5%. 

[Superhero 8595]

9 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

@Dnaguy - you realize you just got a very disturbing glimpse into your daughters' future sex lives, right?

TrashmasterG…

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

He is starting to get into Bob's Burgers, and recently made the very astute and accurate observation to Mrs. Doom that, "I bet you used to be a lot like Louise, but now you're a lot like Linda." 

~~~~~

He had some kind of problem with the straw from his juice box at school lunch recently. I don't know exactly what the defect was, but instead of figuring out how to make it work, he decided to repurpose it to 'see if he could use it to drink the hotdog' that the school was serving that day.

The rest of the table was delighted and really bought into this new undertaking, and after he was unable to suck hotdog through a straw, the rest of the kids at the table also wanted their shot at glory.

All failed, and most of them (Doomlet included) spent the last few days of this past week home sick with identical symptoms. 

Edited May 11 by Prepuce of Doom

[NaTeWHO 838]

My pre k 5 year old started counting in binary (powers of 2) out of nowhere last night. Got to 128 before I stopped him and asked where he learned it. Said he didn't learn it and just likes doubling the numbers. I'm a software engineer and grandpa was a petroleum engineer, so it makes sense, but we couldn't do that at his age. He's had no formal math training. The kid walks around the house singing songs he makes up about numbers nonstop. It gets pretty old, but the kid LOVES numbers so I gotta deal with it.

[Ten Bears 2437]

If he says "KMart sucks" you might want to get him checked out.

[Superhero 8595]

On 5/14/2024 at 6:47 PM, NaTeWHO said:

My pre k 5 year old started counting in binary (powers of 2) out of nowhere last night. Got to 128 before I stopped him and asked where he learned it. Said he didn't learn it and just likes doubling the numbers. I'm a software engineer and grandpa was a petroleum engineer, so it makes sense, but we couldn't do that at his age. He's had no formal math training. The kid walks around the house singing songs he makes up about numbers nonstop. It gets pretty old, but the kid LOVES numbers so I gotta deal with it.

Impressive!

 

But you know who else was good at numbers?

Spoiler

 

[ABSR 5274]

7 hours ago, Superhero said:

Impressive!

 

But you know who else was good at numbers?

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Vegas road trip!?

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

I think his shitty handwriting is legible enough, but please let me know if anyone would like me to transcribe or translate. 

RIP, Fruca. 

[Jerry Callo 8630]

1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

RIP, Fruca. 

He apparently had a long life.

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

Doomlet has claimed that the "murder by milk" is an embellishment and that he and his classmates are innocent of any butterfly-related crimes. 

I plan to interrogate him further tonight and will share new details, if any emerge. 

Edit:

His recantation of the milk murder confession:
"That was something I made up because my brain was malfunctioning." 

Edited May 26 by Prepuce of Doom

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

The poop train shows no signs of slowing down any time soon. 

Had to endure this song being sung around the house last night. 

[Armybrat 40527]

I see a gastroenterologist career ahead for The Doomlet.

[BigDHornfan 6508]

11 yr old was playing a game called Gorilla Tag on his VR, heard him tell someone to suck his monkey cock. 

[Scheiss Meister 8308]

23 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

The poop train shows no signs of slowing down any time soon. 

Had to endure this song being sung around the house last night. 

Hey, don't be dissing my theme song!

[Ghost of LL 15244]

I just got back from a three-week family trip during which I started picking up some of the GenZ lingo from my 15- and 13-year old.  My 15-year old was generally pretty chill with it, but the 13-year old was less enthused.  Finally one day, she got so frustrated with me that she glowers and says, "Dad, you're so cringe."

"Daughter--just remember that today's slay is tomorrow's skibbidy cringe."

She sits back, and after a moment's thought just says "frl frl."

 

Frl frl, indeed, my friends.

[Jerry Callo 8630]

11 minutes ago, Ghost of LL said:

I just got back from a three-week family trip during which I started picking up some of the GenZ lingo from my 15- and 13-year old.  My 15-year old was generally pretty chill with it, but the 13-year old was less enthused.  Finally one day, she got so frustrated with me that she glowers and says, "Dad, you're so cringe."

"Daughter--just remember that today's slay is tomorrow's skibbidy cringe."

She sits back, and after a moment's thought just says "frl frl."

 

Frl frl, indeed, my friends.

Next try to figure out when and how to use "fit" and "drip."  I try to use bussin properly, but I usually get eye rolls.  

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

You sweats will never have the rizz. 

[Dnaguy 11565]

DNAyoungest in the car while in her booster:

Daddy I just farted and it went up my privates.

Me: Oh 

Her: it kind of made them burn a little 

Me: Oh

🤦🏼‍♂️

[Dnaguy 11565]

More fun:

DNAkid: my stomach hurts and I have diarrhea 

Me: oh how do you know?

DNAkid: I looked at it and it was squishy poop

Me: oh

DNAkid: Can I roll down the window?

me: ummm why?

DNAkid: are they locked?

Me: actually, yes. It looks like it

DNAkid: Why? Because you’re a bad dad?

[nnm 35552]

On 6/20/2024 at 4:34 PM, Ghost of LL said:

I just got back from a three-week family trip during which I started picking up some of the GenZ lingo from my 15- and 13-year old.  My 15-year old was generally pretty chill with it, but the 13-year old was less enthused.  Finally one day, she got so frustrated with me that she glowers and says, "Dad, you're so cringe."

"Daughter--just remember that today's slay is tomorrow's skibbidy cringe."

She sits back, and after a moment's thought just says "frl frl."

 

Frl frl, indeed, my friends.

 

[Post Oak 20092]

My wife had a FB memory pop up today of when my son was 4.

Son- "Dad when the bitches gonna be here?"

Sidenote he used to pronounce "biscuits" like "bitches"

Either way it works

They grow up way too fast.

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

He's been out of the bathtub for at least 20 minutes. 

He's been playing basketball in his room for at least 15 minutes. 

I just walked past his room and he's still completely naked. 

[SHOOTER12 8768]

8 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

He's been out of the bathtub for at least 20 minutes. 

He's been playing basketball in his room for at least 15 minutes. 

I just walked past his room and he's still completely naked. 

Ah, freedom 

[Dnaguy 11565]

DNAyoungest: Daddy I can’t bend over

Me: why?

DNAyoungest: I broke my butt

Me: huh?

DNAyoungest: I slipped on the grass and fell down. 
Me: I’m pretty sure you’re ok.

DNAyoungest: Dad! I broke my butt!

[Prepuce of Doom 20900]

Cleaning out all the miscellaneous papers and crap from this past school year and discovered this. Apparently the assignment was to write an updated story based on the Three Billy Goats Gruff. 

For context and background, at the time of writing, we had recently adopted a retired racing greyhound from Australia that we named Sydney (pictured on p.2, but not in the stock photo on the "cover" of the book.) 

And I've included a close-up photo of the black-on-red page for ease of readability, but didn't want anyone to miss the accompanying photo. 

 

[Modessit 5582]

DNAyoungest: Daddy I can’t bend over
Me: why?
DNAyoungest: I broke my butt
Me: huh?
DNAyoungest: I slipped on the grass and fell down. 
Me: I’m pretty sure you’re ok.
DNAyoungest: Dad! I broke my butt!

Let me see... OMG there's a big crack right down the middle!