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Shit My Kid Says


ROFL BOX

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37 minutes ago, Modessit said:
On 7/7/2024 at 6:46 PM, Dnaguy said:
DNAyoungest: Daddy I can’t bend over
Me: why?
DNAyoungest: I broke my butt
Me: huh?
DNAyoungest: I slipped on the grass and fell down. 
Me: I’m pretty sure you’re ok.
DNAyoungest: Dad! I broke my butt!

Let me see... OMG there's a big crack right down the middle!

Dad fail on my part there. 
Sad A Christmas Story GIF by filmeditor

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  • 2 weeks later...

Turned on one of the Olympic track and field relay races the other night. 

I can't remember the exact question, but the boy basically asked what the baton was, and I told him it was like an aluminum paper towel tube that the runners hand off to each other. 

His response was, "Oh, I thought they all had iron hands." 

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  • 2 weeks later...

6 year old: Daddy what was your favorite subject in school?

Me: I liked Science and History

6 year old: me too. I like science and history

Me: oh yeah? That’s great.

6 year old: Daddy what’s history?

8 year old from left field: It’s when daddy tells us about wars and stuff.

Edited by Dnaguy
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Rather than brushing his teeth in the bathroom like a self-sufficient, capable, and competent human being, he just sauntered into the family room with a mouth full of toothpaste. 

Edit for clarity - the brush was never involved. This isn't a "wandering toothbrusher" situation, it's a "instead of brushing my teeth, I will just apply toothpaste to my teeth" situation. 

I assume that the plan (inasmuch as there was any forethought whatsoever) was to eventually swallow it, but I yelled at him soon enough that he spit it out. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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10 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Rather than brushing his teeth in the bathroom like a self-sufficient, capable, and competent human being, he just sauntered into the family room with a mouth full of toothpaste. 

That is a stupid crap thing wives do in my house. Mrs. NNM can’t stand at the sink when she brushes her teeth. She wanders around. Always. 

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He's off getting a haircut right now. Haircuts have been a source of significant stress and strife for all of us in the past, and this one is no different (he's been told that any bullshit means a loss of Fartnite privileges for at least a week, so hopefully he can make it through without a tantrum...) and apparently Mrs. Doom has allowed him to use her phone while waiting. 

Either that, or my wife has joined the dark side of juvenile humor, which seems unlikely. 

Screenshot_20240825_125258_Messages.thumb.jpg.f12b188d5729c3217948554502e04f4d.jpg

*edit - he apparently also sent a similar barrage of poop gifs to his maternal grandmother. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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On 8/25/2024 at 12:57 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

He's off getting a haircut right now. Haircuts have been a source of significant stress and strife for all of us in the past, and this one is no different (he's been told that any bullshit means a loss of Fartnite privileges for at least a week, so hopefully he can make it through without a tantrum...) and apparently Mrs. Doom has allowed him to use her phone while waiting. 

 

 

 

Is that a deliberate typo or a Freudian one?

 

 

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1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

Maybe he’s preparing to take over Scheiss Meister’s job some day?

I would be a little surprised. He seems to enjoy the theoretical and abstract aspects of potty humor more than the reality. 

For example, it's a real ordeal getting him to carry the dogpoobag while on walks. He will eventually agree to it, but he holds it by the knot in the bag with just his thumb and index finger, and he holds it off to the side of his body as much as possible, like a stereotypical cartoon character who might be saying "PEE-YOO!!!" and fanning the air in front of their nose with the other hand. 

He talks the talk, but that's about it... 

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16 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Am I the only one who thinks this kid has way too much of a fascination with scat?

And what's wrong with that?  Shit funded my children's college education.

10 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Maybe he’s preparing to take over Scheiss Meister’s job some day?

He can have it.  I'm retired now.

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While having dinner with some of my family last night:

4 year old nephew claims he knows how hotdogs are made and processed.

Of course me and my BIL pressed "Tell me more" and asked how they're made. 

"You really wanna know how they make hotdogs? They cut off a dead man's wiener!"  

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1 hour ago, Longboard Horn said:

While having dinner with some of my family last night:

4 year old nephew claims he knows how hotdogs are made and processed.

Of course me and my BIL pressed "Tell me more" and asked how they're made. 

"You really wanna know how they make hotdogs? They cut off a dead man's wiener!"  

I hope you did nothing to convince him of anything different. 

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On 8/26/2024 at 8:58 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

I would be a little surprised. He seems to enjoy the theoretical and abstract aspects of potty humor more than the reality. 

For example, it's a real ordeal getting him to carry the dogpoobag while on walks. He will eventually agree to it, but he holds it by the knot in the bag with just his thumb and index finger, and he holds it off to the side of his body as much as possible, like a stereotypical cartoon character who might be saying "PEE-YOO!!!" and fanning the air in front of their nose with the other hand. 

He talks the talk, but that's about it... 

How else would you hold a bag of poop?

Do you hold it in your palm to feel the warmth and texture?

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Yeah, I'm with doomlet on that one.  My girlfriend thought it was the funniest thing ever when I had to stifle a couple of dry heaves while putting my dog's shit in a bag when we were taking walks.

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You guys sound like silly rookies too.

Unless it's a terrible messy turd or you badly botched the pickup or you bought your poobags from Temu, it stays inside the bag.

Just fucking hold it by the top of the bag, beneath the knot. Unless it's your first time cleaning up after a dog, any moron knows that you tie the knot as high as you can in order to keep as much of it sealed off inside the bag as possible. That's what always I do before I hand it to him to just carry. 

It's not a big deal, but he somehow manages to make it one at times... 

 

 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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