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Shit My Kid Says

ROFL BOX

By ROFL BOX
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Dnaguy

Dnaguy 12104

Posted
Posted
37 minutes ago, Modessit said:
On 7/7/2024 at 6:46 PM, Dnaguy said:
DNAyoungest: Daddy I can’t bend over
Me: why?
DNAyoungest: I broke my butt
Me: huh?
DNAyoungest: I slipped on the grass and fell down. 
Me: I’m pretty sure you’re ok.
DNAyoungest: Dad! I broke my butt!

Let me see... OMG there's a big crack right down the middle!

Dad fail on my part there. 
Sad A Christmas Story GIF by filmeditor

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Hmbre97
Hmbre97

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

Post Oak
Post Oak

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

burns_312
burns_312

I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21106

Posted
Posted

Turned on one of the Olympic track and field relay races the other night. 

I can't remember the exact question, but the boy basically asked what the baton was, and I told him it was like an aluminum paper towel tube that the runners hand off to each other. 

His response was, "Oh, I thought they all had iron hands." 

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Dnaguy

Dnaguy 12104

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Posted (edited)

6 year old: Daddy what was your favorite subject in school?

Me: I liked Science and History

6 year old: me too. I like science and history

Me: oh yeah? That’s great.

6 year old: Daddy what’s history?

8 year old from left field: It’s when daddy tells us about wars and stuff.

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21106

Posted
Posted (edited)

Rather than brushing his teeth in the bathroom like a self-sufficient, capable, and competent human being, he just sauntered into the family room with a mouth full of toothpaste. 

Edit for clarity - the brush was never involved. This isn't a "wandering toothbrusher" situation, it's a "instead of brushing my teeth, I will just apply toothpaste to my teeth" situation. 

I assume that the plan (inasmuch as there was any forethought whatsoever) was to eventually swallow it, but I yelled at him soon enough that he spit it out. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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nnm

nnm 36667

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Rather than brushing his teeth in the bathroom like a self-sufficient, capable, and competent human being, he just sauntered into the family room with a mouth full of toothpaste. 

That is a stupid crap thing wives do in my house. Mrs. NNM can’t stand at the sink when she brushes her teeth. She wanders around. Always. 

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21106

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He's off getting a haircut right now. Haircuts have been a source of significant stress and strife for all of us in the past, and this one is no different (he's been told that any bullshit means a loss of Fartnite privileges for at least a week, so hopefully he can make it through without a tantrum...) and apparently Mrs. Doom has allowed him to use her phone while waiting. 

Either that, or my wife has joined the dark side of juvenile humor, which seems unlikely. 

Screenshot_20240825_125258_Messages.thumb.jpg.f12b188d5729c3217948554502e04f4d.jpg

*edit - he apparently also sent a similar barrage of poop gifs to his maternal grandmother. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11052

Posted
Posted
On 8/25/2024 at 12:57 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

He's off getting a haircut right now. Haircuts have been a source of significant stress and strife for all of us in the past, and this one is no different (he's been told that any bullshit means a loss of Fartnite privileges for at least a week, so hopefully he can make it through without a tantrum...) and apparently Mrs. Doom has allowed him to use her phone while waiting. 

 

 

 

Is that a deliberate typo or a Freudian one?

 

 

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21106

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1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

Maybe he’s preparing to take over Scheiss Meister’s job some day?

I would be a little surprised. He seems to enjoy the theoretical and abstract aspects of potty humor more than the reality. 

For example, it's a real ordeal getting him to carry the dogpoobag while on walks. He will eventually agree to it, but he holds it by the knot in the bag with just his thumb and index finger, and he holds it off to the side of his body as much as possible, like a stereotypical cartoon character who might be saying "PEE-YOO!!!" and fanning the air in front of their nose with the other hand. 

He talks the talk, but that's about it... 

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Scheiss Meister

Scheiss Meister 8413

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16 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Am I the only one who thinks this kid has way too much of a fascination with scat?

And what's wrong with that?  Shit funded my children's college education.

10 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Maybe he’s preparing to take over Scheiss Meister’s job some day?

He can have it.  I'm retired now.

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 40544

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While having dinner with some of my family last night:

4 year old nephew claims he knows how hotdogs are made and processed.

Of course me and my BIL pressed "Tell me more" and asked how they're made. 

"You really wanna know how they make hotdogs? They cut off a dead man's wiener!"  

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21106

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Longboard Horn said:

While having dinner with some of my family last night:

4 year old nephew claims he knows how hotdogs are made and processed.

Of course me and my BIL pressed "Tell me more" and asked how they're made. 

"You really wanna know how they make hotdogs? They cut off a dead man's wiener!"  

I hope you did nothing to convince him of anything different. 

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Superhero

Superhero 8845

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Posted
On 8/26/2024 at 8:58 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

I would be a little surprised. He seems to enjoy the theoretical and abstract aspects of potty humor more than the reality. 

For example, it's a real ordeal getting him to carry the dogpoobag while on walks. He will eventually agree to it, but he holds it by the knot in the bag with just his thumb and index finger, and he holds it off to the side of his body as much as possible, like a stereotypical cartoon character who might be saying "PEE-YOO!!!" and fanning the air in front of their nose with the other hand. 

He talks the talk, but that's about it... 

How else would you hold a bag of poop?

Do you hold it in your palm to feel the warmth and texture?

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baboso

baboso 6057

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Yeah, I'm with doomlet on that one.  My girlfriend thought it was the funniest thing ever when I had to stifle a couple of dry heaves while putting my dog's shit in a bag when we were taking walks.

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21106

Posted
Posted (edited)

You guys sound like silly rookies too.

Unless it's a terrible messy turd or you badly botched the pickup or you bought your poobags from Temu, it stays inside the bag.

Just fucking hold it by the top of the bag, beneath the knot. Unless it's your first time cleaning up after a dog, any moron knows that you tie the knot as high as you can in order to keep as much of it sealed off inside the bag as possible. That's what always I do before I hand it to him to just carry. 

It's not a big deal, but he somehow manages to make it one at times... 

 

 

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6649

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On 9/15/2024 at 10:19 AM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Interesting chronology of rather bleak searches on Friday the 13th. 

(not sure if the sizing of the crop may render it illegible - let me know if so and I can try again...) 

[ Doomlet Searches ]

 

Maybe have a conversation with him about the Y2K & Mayan Calendar scares?

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Mittens

Mittens 8312

Posted
Posted
On 9/29/2024 at 11:48 AM, Jerry Callo said:

Next level is why Goofy wears clothes and Pluto doesn't. 

Goofy speaks and is one of the humanized animal characters, Pluto does not speak and is Mickey Mouse's pet.  There is a hierarchy and it's speaking/clothes.  Literally learned this like last week.  Wish I could remember where and link it.  

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Dish Boggett

Dish Boggett 67

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Posted
On 10/8/2024 at 12:14 PM, Superhero said:

My kid introduced a new Gen Alpha term to us yesterday.

Wife to son: “Hey, do you really want to run the 5K next month?”

Son: “Yes. Some of my friends are also running, and I want to cook them.”

And after the race if you ask him how he did, he will say “ I ate”.    
 

3 teenagers and the wife is a teacher.  I stay up on the lingo.  
 

 

 

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21106

Posted
Posted (edited)

Doomlet accompanied Mrs. Doom to the grocery store today, and while there, he talked her into buying him a bag of Hi-Chew candies which we haven't bought in a while. 

After tearing into the freshly opened bag (they're all individually sealed within), he confided in me that, "I forgot how good Hi-Chews are when they're ripe." 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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Superhero

Superhero 8845

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My 9 YO will drag his mattress into his older sister’s room on the weekends and breaks from school. They’ll talk and laugh until they finally fall asleep.

Yesterday it got too late and I told him to come sleep in my room.

He said to my wife “I don’t mind. Your bed is more comfortable. It’s like im being upgraded from premium economy to business class.

(he’s never been in business class so I don’t know how he made that connection)

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