Shit My Kid Says

[Prepuce of Doom 21,052]

While working on toilet training: "Do dinosaurs get Sour Patch Kids when they poop in the potty?" 

[Slacks 6,819]

11 yo runs down stairs bucket naked...

9yo: YO BALLS ARE HAIRY! YOU GOT SOME HAIRY BALLS!

[Buffsoldier 1,895]

bucket naked?

[blacklab 11,926]

9yo: Dad is the p word piss

me: ah kinda

7yo: No it's pussy <pause> cat

 

[Anastasis 23,454]

10 hours ago, blacklab said:

9yo: Dad is the p word piss

me: ah kinda

7yo: No it's pussy <pause> cat

 

lulz. bet mom loved that one. 

[Cody2422 270]

5 year old from the back seat as we are driving: "barbies, we have the meat!" He saw an Arby's sign, even made his voice deeper like the commercials


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[troph 24,781]

bucket naked?

And his 11 year old has hairy balls when he’s bucket naked. Holy fucking shit, both are alarming.

[GottaB 594]

5yo: Dad. I have a joke for you.

(Feels proud moment coming)

Me: You have a joke for me?
5yo: yeah. What is a turtles favorite food?

(Truly stunned as a) great opening, b) I’ve never heard this joke before)

Me: I don’t know son, what is a turtles favorite food?

5 yo: pizza

( WTF? That’s not a joke. It’s not funny or punny)

5yo: I’m going to get a pet turtle. And I’m going to name him Tiffany.

(Now that’s funny in a what!?! kind of way)

[SuperSurly 21]

On 4/13/2018 at 12:37 AM, blacklab said:

9yo: Dad is the p word piss

me: ah kinda

7yo: No it's pussy <pause> cat

 

Winner!

[El Diablo 4,232]

2 hours ago, GottaB said:

5yo: Dad. I have a joke for you.

(Feels proud moment coming)

Me: You have a joke for me?
5yo: yeah. What is a turtles favorite food?

(Truly stunned as a) great opening, b) I’ve never heard this joke before)

Me: I don’t know son, what is a turtles favorite food?

5 yo: pizza

( WTF? That’s not a joke. It’s not funny or punny)

5yo: I’m going to get a pet turtle. And I’m going to name him Tiffany.

(Now that’s funny in a what!?! kind of way)

Ninja Turtles?

[GottaB 594]

Ninja Turtles?

Yeah. That’s what I figured. I’m just sad there wasn’t a punch line. Best I could come with was “turtles like shellfish”.

[El Diablo 4,232]

37 minutes ago, GottaB said:

Yeah. That’s what I figured. I’m just sad there wasn’t a punch line. Best I could come with was “turtles like shellfish”.

I think maybe he meant riddle instead of joke. 5 year old trying to be smart. 

[Knoxtnhorn 5,971]

Gotta brag on the boys today.  Last night, our extended family was playing a game on Jackbox.tv.  Basically, you're given a prompt, and you have to come up with something clever to say so that you may win the votes of those playing.  Anyway,

Prompt:  Name the last place you'd take a girl on a first date.  5 year-old's response: Aggy bonfire.

Prompt: Name a book that is never checked out from the library.  11 year-old's response: Aggy Pride.

I'm raising them right.

[chikin23 384]

Had an "aha" moment the other day.

 

Youngest had a "rodeo day" at her school and all the kids made horses out of pool noodles. Walk in her room and she has the end of the pool noodle in one of her shoes and is riding the horse. Ask what she's doing and she says "I learned that horses need to wear shoes when you ride them."

 

 

[Buffsoldier 1,895]

If your daughter is 5, this is pretty awesome.  If she's 15....welllllll..... you might want to look into long term care.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18,547]

My 12 year old son is in the car and we're listening the radio. I had it on sports talk or something on AM and he's trying to find some music to listen to. He starts fidgeting with the knob and finally says, "I can't find any good music." I say to him, "Have you tried FM?" He says, "What is FM?"

[captained 57]

my 5 year old daughter and 6 year old son were watching tv and a dwarf (little person?) came on.  the adult voice and small stature clearly threw her for a loop.  she turns around to me and i can see the wheels turning on how she is going to phrase a question as she is looking at her legs.

"dad...what are the people that have kid feet and kid legs, but...dad faces?"

watching kids that age make sense of things for the first time is a pretty funny process.

[RexWilson 1,344]

Took my two girls (4, 6) to the library and candy store in downtown Round Rock. Walking to candy store

 

Me: You girls do not act a fool in the stores. If you do something not appropriate, we are not buying candy.

4yo: Yeah so we won't yell out VAGINA!!

Me: I was meaning more like don't grab stuff off the shelves but yeah, don't yell vagina.

[GSU&UT 1,798]

1 hour ago, RexWilson said:

Took my two girls (4, 6) to the library and candy store in downtown Round Rock. Walking to candy store

 

Me: You girls do not act a fool in the stores. If you do something not appropriate, we are not buying candy.

4yo: Yeah so we won't yell out VAGINA!!

Me: I was meaning more like don't grab stuff off the shelves but yeah, don't yell vagina.

 

[B00M 6,413]

5 hours ago, RexWilson said:

Took my two girls (4, 6) to the library and candy store in downtown Round Rock. Walking to candy store

 

Me: You girls do not act a fool in the stores. If you do something not appropriate, we are not buying candy.

4yo: Yeah so we won't yell out VAGINA!!

Me: I was meaning more like don't grab stuff off the shelves but yeah, don't yell vagina.

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

On 3/28/2018 at 3:10 PM, Modessit said:

My kid thinks there is a store for everything and we must need to go there to get it. He'll be telling me we need to drive super fast. I tell him we don't have rockets like the cars in his cartoons. He tells me we need to go to the "rocket store" to get rockets to put on the back of the car. Then he says we need to go to the "helmet store" so we can wear helmets, and to the "parachute store" in case we go off a cliff. 

[Slacks 6,819]

bed time Thursday....

9yo says some of the craziest shit I've ever heard. I was stunned, shocked, and amazed...(and won't Internet it)

11yo starts dying laughing...
"THAT IS THE FACE OF DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOUR SONS! HAHAHAAAA.... YES! THAT IS THE FACE OF DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOUR SONS! THAT FACE. THAT FACE RIGHT THERE. THAT IS DISAPPOINTMENT!"

I had a laugh of disappoint and walked away...

Had it been on camera they would be internet famous.

[Chad Fuck 17,658]

Chad Jr., 5, to Mrs. F this morning:

“Mom, when are you leaving so Dad and I can have fun?”

He knew she had to go to a baby shower, but wasn’t sure when.

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

5 hours ago, Snacks said:

bed time Thursday....

9yo says some of the craziest shit I've ever heard. I was stunned, shocked, and amazed...(and won't Internet it)

11yo starts dying laughing...
"THAT IS THE FACE OF DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOUR SONS! HAHAHAAAA.... YES! THAT IS THE FACE OF DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOUR SONS! THAT FACE. THAT FACE RIGHT THERE. THAT IS DISAPPOINTMENT!"

I had a laugh of disappoint and walked away...

Had it been on camera they would be internet famous.

How TF do you NOT share?

[Slacks 6,819]

How TF do you NOT share?

yeah, I know. negworthy.

[Anastasis 23,454]

Out to dinner last night, wrapping up, boy playing with his brother on the kindle. Wife gets up to go to bathroom and starts walking away from the table. Boy jumps up with his kindle and starts taking creaper pics from the backside. "What the hell are you doing?" Little shit eating grin. Little Burt in the making. 

Edited April 24, 2018 by Anastasis

[BigDHornfan 6,545]

12 minutes ago, Anastasis said:

Out to dinner last night, wrapping up, boy playing with his brother on the kindle. Wife gets up to go to bathroom and starts walking away from the table. Boy jumps up with his kindle and starts taking creaper pics from the backside. "What the hell are you doing?" Little shit eating grin. Little Burt in the making. 

so where are the pics?

[GottaB 594]

Our kindergartners woke up stoked because their school is hosting a dinosaur exhibit today. As we walk about to the car, they are walking like little T-Rex’s and then

Boy1: lets talk like dinosaurs ROAR
Boy2: ROAR
Boy3: I’m going to be quiet because dinosaurs are extinct.
 #hesnotwrong

[Kringelbert Fishtybuns 943]

5 yo is taking a bath, still lounging around after his brother has gotten out.  I walk in while he is playing with himself.

5 yo - I'm trying to make my penis bigger so I can wash it.  I am rolling it.

Me - Ok.  You shouldn't play with your penis in front of other people, like at school.  When your penis gets bigger, it is called an erection. 

5 yo - 'Rection.  Oh Ok.  And now I can put my penis back in its home.  See.  (Pulls foreskin over the head)

Me - Jesus Christ. Ok, I'll come back get you in a bit.  (Go get a drink)

[davidg 4,036]

19 hours ago, Anastasis said:

Out to dinner last night, wrapping up, boy playing with his brother on the kindle. Wife gets up to go to bathroom and starts walking away from the table. Boy jumps up with his kindle and starts taking creaper pics from the backside. "What the hell are you doing?" Little shit eating grin. Little Burt in the making. 

Taking pics of his mom?

 

[txhorns 2,409]

On Saturday while sitting around the house I watch my 2 year old get walk outside, drop his pants, pee in the dog's water bowl, and then come back inside.  I asked him why he did that and his response was, "it was empty and the dogs are thirsty.".

[USMC 7]

After we got home from our family's Easter gathering, my 3 y/o came to me with her Easter basket in-hand and asked me to hide all her eggs around the house.  She wanted to play.................."Easter CUNT!"

[High Plains Drifter 11,024]

On 4/21/2018 at 3:04 PM, Chad Fuck said:

Chad Jr., 5, to Mrs. F this morning:

“Mom, when are you leaving so Dad and I can have fun?”

He knew she had to go to a baby shower, but wasn’t sure when.

 

Similar thing with my youngest boy:

At the hippy liberal dippy private school he goes to, the teachers tell them to draw pictures of their family doing family things every couple of months. His latest picture showed me and him and the dogs and the siblings outside, wife was inside. Wife asked what everybody was doing. Boy said we were all outside playing. Wife asked what she was doing. Boy said she was inside looking at her phone.

[Chad Fuck 17,658]

Damn.  That's hard as diamonds and just as awesome. 

Sounds like my house re staring at the phone.

[Superhero 8,826]

My 3 YO son thinks his last name is Gilmour.

I told him several months ago that I named him Jonathan because the Pink Floyd guitarist's full name is David Jon Gilmour. Somehow it stayed in his memory and now whenever someone asks him what his name is, he says Jonathan Gilmour.

[Prepuce of Doom 21,052]

Probably can't hurt for him to be giving out an alias until he knows better. 

..... 

During a recent diaper change: "Do we pee on buttholes?" 

Mrs. Doom glared at me. 

Edited May 3, 2018 by Prepuce of Doom

[El Diablo 4,232]

When the kid was little and had a loose tooth..

L'il Deebs: "When I wiggle it with my tongue it hurts but it kinda feels good at the same time."

Yeah kid, you're gonna need therapy some day. That or wind up paying some lady in leather $200 to spank ya while you're wearing a diaper.

[Baboontyme 2,809]

5 yo daughter just asked me to make her toast but "with the butter hidden". Cute. She's a doll. 

My 2nd grader loves the top 40 music ever since we were in Austin and listened to station every time in the car that plays the same 3 Top 40 songs over and over and over again. "Dad, why are they wishing bad things on him?"

[ImissWallyPryor 9,046]

Not exactly something MY kid said, but I was in Austin in April to clear out my recently deceased dad's house.  I came across a note that I had written him in 1972.

 

"Dad, I made 151 out of 300 free throws today!  -  ImissWallyPryor"

 

And I thought he was complimenting me when he said I could have played for Rick Barnes.

Edited May 3, 2018 by ImissWallyPryor

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

Your dad called you by your screen name in 1972?

[Prepuce of Doom 21,052]

3 hours ago, ernest_t_bass said:

Your dad called you by your screen name in 1972?

Maybe his dad is Wally Pryor. You ever think of that, asshole?! 

[Moby Ric 2,058]

My son referred to the leader of NK as Qui Gon Jinn the other day.

[High Plains Drifter 11,024]

My teenager said to me, in reference to his friend's dad, who I have never met:

"He's an asshole. You'd like him."

[Prepuce of Doom 21,052]

Doomlet (almost 3) was out doing errands with Mrs. Doom and told a perfect stranger that Mrs. Doom was angry at him so she farted on his head. 

Mrs. Doom denies being angry with him or farting on his head. 

[Slacks 6,819]

My teenager said to me, in reference to his friend's dad, who I have never met:
"He's an asshole. You'd like him."

So, you've told him about us?

[High Plains Drifter 11,024]

10 hours ago, Snacks said:

On 5/3/2018 at 12:12 PM, High Plains Drifter said:

My teenager said to me, in reference to his friend's dad, who I have never met:
"He's an asshole. You'd like him."

So, you've told him about us?

I thought about responding "What's his surly handle?"

[CooterBrown 18,001]

My 5 year old was having a pretend conversation on her fake phone. Part of the conversation included “...Jesus Christ there’s no effing way....”.

[Longboard Horn 40,284]

“Does chocolate milk come from your butt?”

What the 5 year old just asked me.

[Modessit 5,598]

Wife was in the bathroom for a long time:

Me: Go make sure your mom didn't fall in.

4-yr-old son: She can't fall in. Her butt is too big.

I enjoyed relaying this to my wife when she finally came out.

[blacklab 11,926]

on a long car trip

7yo: stop drinking so much water you'll have to pee and we'll have to stop again

9yo: no that's not how it works. If you drink something it makes you poop, if you eat it makes you pee