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Shit My Kid Says

ROFL BOX

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You don't know me

You don't know me 1161

Posted
Posted
26 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Ran into someone I haven't seen in a while with my 5 yo. 

Guy "Man he looks just like you."

5 yo "No I don't. I have hair."

 

I get the same sort of comments from my boys.  I have informed them that baldness is typically passed down by the mother.  I then remind them that their mom's brothers, who are quite a bit younger than I am, both started losing their hair in their early 20's and that I have more hair than them.  I laugh, they look sullen.

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Hmbre97
Hmbre97

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

Post Oak
Post Oak

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

burns_312
burns_312

I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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Slacks

Slacks 6819

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Posted

"I have people at school calling me 'Black Jesus'."

 

"What?"

 

"Yep. They call me 'Black Jesus'."

 

"What? Why are people calling you 'Black Jesus'?"

 

"Because I'm 'Black Jesus'. It's the answer to everything."

 

"What are you taking about?"

 

"Go ahead, ask me anything."

 

"WHAT ARE TOOK TALKING ABOUT?!"

 

"I'M BLACK JESUS!"

 

"Get out, Black Jesus."

 

"I'M BLACK JESUS!"

 

 

 

 

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11024

Posted
Posted
On 10/27/2018 at 12:14 AM, Superhero said:

Telling my 3 YO to turn off the phone and give it back to me...

”Wait dada”

”Shut it down and give me the phone please”

”Dada wait! I’m just checking the weather!”

I swear that boy is training to be stone cold liar.

"checking the weather" is the new euphemism for watching porn paw patrol?

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wd40

wd40 1976

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my oldest (12nopics), instead of brushing her teeth and going to bed, starts randomly singing the opening high vocal line to "The Immigrant Song" to which I reply, already on the way down the hall to break up the bathroom party, 'I come from the land of the ice and snow from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow".  to which she replied, "where did you hear that song?"

me

nick-young-confused-face.jpg

the same place you heard it from---the music saved on my phone.  go to bed.

 

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UTPhil2006

UTPhil2006 3801

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On 11/15/2018 at 5:56 PM, Snacks said:

My 10yo (lil bro) and I picked up his 2nd grader cousin from soccer practice today...

Cuz: What would you do if you owned the world?

Lil Bro (Without hesitation): Sell it.

Kid is listening.

That kid has upper management written all over him.  Also he is definitely your son.

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Slacks

Slacks 6819

Posted
Posted

So... we're in Atlanta for Thanksgiving. At my wife's sister's place... The men folk are in the basement watching football, and the kids are down here playing with toys and whatnot... The women are upstairs cackling and one-upping each other about woman shit...

The kids (3yo nephew, 5yo niece, 5yo little boy that's visiting...) are in an adjacent space/room to us dudes... The 3 year old nephew turns off the lights in that room... We tell them to turn the lights back on. Two minutes later, the lights go back off.

Snacks: "Yo. Why is the light off in that room?"
3yo nephew: "I'm hiding bodies!"

I hope I can get out of here soon.

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threesheets

threesheets 1672

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Posted (edited)

First let me preface by saying that we allow our kids a little latitude when it comes to things they can get away with saying at home, or when it's just the four of us around.  We don't allow cursing per se, but a little inappropriate isn't going to get them killed.

So with our busy schedules and all the rain this year, it's the last Thursday before closing weekend when we finally find a day we can make it to the fair (something we do every year, no exceptions).  Well it's obviously rush hour before we can go on a weekday, so it's a huge pain in the ass trying to meet the wife and kids, with me coming from downtown and them coming from up north.  So by the time we meet up in Fair Park,  the wife and I are both frazzled.  

So we park and get out, make sure we have coats, tickets, money, phones, etc, and all the valuables are covered, and cars are locked.  Exhale and start walking over to the fair (we always park at the church behind Auto Zone/JITB on Robert B Cullum or whatever that street is.  Well we get all the way to the light, and my 7 yo son (who's notorious for forgetting stuff) goes "Dad, I think we forgot something."  I of course say, "Are you kidding me?  What???"  Him:

"DEEZ NUTS!"

Edited by threesheets
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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 40284

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Posted
11 hours ago, threesheets said:

First let me preface by saying that we allow our kids a little latitude when it comes to things they can get away with saying at home, or when it's just the four of us around.  We don't allow cursing per se, but a little inappropriate isn't going to get them killed.

So with our busy schedules and all the rain this year, it's the last Thursday before closing weekend when we finally find a day we can make it to the fair (something we do every year, no exceptions).  Well it's obviously rush hour before we can go on a weekday, so it's a huge pain in the ass trying to meet the wife and kids, with me coming from downtown and them coming from up north.  So by the time we meet up in Fair Park,  the wife and I are both frazzled.  

So we park and get out, make sure we have coats, tickets, money, phones, etc, and all the valuables are covered, and cars are locked.  Exhale and start walking over to the fair (we always park at the church behind Auto Zone/JITB on Robert B Cullum or whatever that street is.  Well we get all the way to the light, and my 7 yo son (who's notorious for forgetting stuff) goes "Dad, I think we forgot something."  I of course say, "Are you kidding me?  What???"  Him:

"DEEZ NUTS!"

giphy.gif

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blacklab

blacklab 11926

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Posted

9yo comes home and leaves front door open, allowing the dog to escape

me: why did you leave the door open?
9yo: Because I'm a dumbass?

wife opens door from kitchen to garage to get in car to drive around the neighborhood to look for the dog. The garage door was open and the dog nonchalantly walks in the house.

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DCA_HORN

DCA_HORN 725

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"I have people at school calling me 'Black Jesus'."
 
"What?"
 
"Yep. They call me 'Black Jesus'."
 
"What? Why are people calling you 'Black Jesus'?"
 
"Because I'm 'Black Jesus'. It's the answer to everything."
 
"What are you taking about?"
 
"Go ahead, ask me anything."
 
"WHAT ARE TOOK TALKING ABOUT?!"
 
"I'M BLACK JESUS!"
 
"Get out, Black Jesus."
 
"I'M BLACK JESUS!"
 
 
 
 
So hes Vy reincarnated? When is tom signing him?
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MrPhlegm

MrPhlegm 3413

Posted
Posted
9yo comes home and leaves front door open, allowing the dog to escape
me: why did you leave the door open?
9yo: Because I'm a dumbass?
wife opens door from kitchen to garage to get in car to drive around the neighborhood to look for the dog. The garage door was open and the dog nonchalantly walks in the house.
Tag teamed!
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CooterBrown

CooterBrown 18002

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Posted

My oldest had a concert recital at a church tonight.

 

My 6 yo: why is there a giant doctor symbol?

Mrs brown: that’s a cross.

6 yo: a what?

Mrs brown: Jesus died on it.

6 yo: some guy died right there?!? Did he fall off?

 

A few comments later...

Mrs brown: this is a church.

6 yo: a what?

 

At least she’s a cute little heathen.

 

 

 

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Modessit

Modessit 5598

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Went out to eat and then stopped to get ice cream on the way home. I have to use the bathroom before we leave. They only have the one with a lock on the door. I'm inside and there's a knock on the door. I say, "Just a minute." I hear my 5-yr-old son yell thru the door. "Dada? Are you in there? Are you going poop? Does it make your butt hurt?"

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GottaB

GottaB 594

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Posted
23 hours ago, CooterBrown said:

My oldest had a concert recital at a church tonight.

 

My 6 yo: why is there a giant doctor symbol?

Mrs brown: that’s a cross.

6 yo: a what?

Mrs brown: Jesus died on it.

6 yo: some guy died right there?!? Did he fall off?

 

A few comments later...

Mrs brown: this is a church.

6 yo: a what?

 

At least she’s a cute little heathen.

 

 

 

Just tell her they are SERIOUS about math.  Especially addition.. 

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EZ$

EZ$ 2102

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Posted

3 year old daughter at daycare: 

- told her teacher that she (the teacher) had big nipples.  I didn’t verify. 

- told her teachers that her daddy poops outside. I don’t. 

- called another kid a “fucking shit”.  We’ve never used it in that context (she claims the kid told her to say it).  We didn’t really address it hoping it would just stop, but later that night she hears my wife bitching at me for something stupid and says “mommy, daddy’s being a fucking shit right??”.  We laid into her about as bad as I ever have and about 2-3 nights later before bed I reminded her about not saying bad words anymore and she says...”I promise not to say fucking shit anymore daddy”.  Just rolling right off her tongue like nothing....but that was about 4-5 months ago and she hasn’t said it since.  

She’ll be fun in her teens. 

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Buffsoldier

Buffsoldier 1895

Posted
Posted (edited)
35 minutes ago, EZ$ said:

- told her teacher that she (the teacher) had big nipples.  I didn’t verify.  

You have work to do.  Report back.  With pics.

35 minutes ago, EZ$ said:

- We laid into her about as bad as I ever have and about 2-3 nights later before bed I reminded her about not saying bad words anymore and she says...”I promise not to say fucking shit anymore daddy”.  Just rolling right off her tongue like nothing....but that was about 4-5 months ago and she hasn’t said it since. 

When my kid was about 5, she walked up to me, completely out of the blue, unbidden, and with solemn and grave formality announced to me, "Daddy, we don't say the word, 'Fuck'."  Absolutely nothing in the previous 2 hours would have been a cause for her to say that.

I'm amazed that I had the wherewithal to respond with, "You're right darlin', we don't."  And then I went into the laundry room and giggled like an idiot for 10 straight minutes.

Edited by Buffsoldier
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