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Shit My Kid Says

ROFL BOX

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ernest_t_bass

ernest_t_bass 1196

Posted
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57 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

As relayed to me via wife:

Daughter (about 3 years old IIRC): What's my other mommy's name?

Wife: What are you talking about? I'm your only mommy.

Daughter: No, I have another mommy. I can't remember her name.

Wife: What?

Daughter: She wears long black dresses and has long black hair. I only see her at night when you and daddy are asleep.

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Pig Bellmont

Pig Bellmont 8637

Posted
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1 hour ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

I'm pretty sure I posted this one years ago on the old scat site:

 

As relayed to me via wife:

Daughter (about 3 years old IIRC): What's my other mommy's name?

Wife: What are you talking about? I'm your only mommy.

Daughter: No, I have another mommy. I can't remember her name.

Wife: What?

Daughter: She wears long black dresses and has long black hair. I only see her at night when you and daddy are asleep.

Creepy AF

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Chad Fuck

Chad Fuck 17309

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*At grocery store*
4 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER: I want two mommies. 
ME: Well, you’ve got a mommy and a daddy, so that’s pretty awesome. 
DAUGHTER: No no no no. I want a daddy and two mommies. 
ME: Me too, kiddo (elbowing wife) Tell mommy what you just told me...

Polygamy. The crime that carries with it its’ own punishment.
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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 20909

Posted
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The boy and I were were just out walking around the neighborhood, and for every person we encountered who was walking a dog, he would innocently ask them, "what's in the bag?" and then cackle like a loon when they told him. 

One lady said, "oh, you don't want to know..." and he told her "It's okay - I'm a real poop kind of guy."

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Scheiss Meister

Scheiss Meister 8321

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2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

The boy and I were were just out walking around the neighborhood, and for every person we encountered who was walking a dog, he would innocently ask them, "what's in the bag?" and then cackle like a loon when they told him. 

One lady said, "oh, you don't want to know..." and he told her "It's okay - I'm a real poop kind of guy."

Yeah, kid.  Me, too.

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 20909

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Posted (edited)
23 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

It's been two weeks without an update to this thread. Has everyone smothered their children in their sleep or what?

Considered adding this, but had decided against it because so much of it depends on tone of voice (our household uses a lot of tone-based sarcasm, and the Doomlet is pretty precocious in this regard) and I didn't know how well it would translate. But in the interest of keeping things moving, I'll relent. But I'm warning you that it may suck. 

So the boy is learning to ride a balance bike. For those of you who don't know, it's a kid-sized bike but with no pedals, chain, sprocket, etc. - just powered by the legs of the child riding it. Pretty simple, and I guess it's kind of replacing the training wheels phase for the more agile and dexterous kids (not quite sure yet whether Doomlet has the finesse to skip training wheels or not...). 

We were out in the neighborhood the other day, with me walking and him on his balance bike. He was a little bit behind me (and regularly "accidentally" running into my heels) and doing a generally mediocre job at piloting his balance bike. At one point, he crashed into a fence post adjacent to the sidewalk. I explained to him (for what felt like the 400th time of the approximately 1,000 times on that short journey) how it's important to look where you're going, to drive in a straight line, etc. 

There was an older couple (mid 60s?) on the sidewalk about three or four houses back at the time he crashed into the fence post. They were close enough to witness the whole thing, but weren't close enough that they were directly involved in the event. We collected ourselves and made a little more progress before the couple got close enough to us that I needed to corral him into a yard and give them the room to pass by us on the sidewalk. Here's a rough transcription of the exchange that followed. 

Older man: That's a pretty cool bike you have! 

Doomlet: Thanks, it's a balance bike, I'm still learning, etc., blablabla (they have a little bit more generic bullshit awkward back and forth of little content or importance...)

Older lady, trying to chime in, (*and using a tone of voice that I'm certain was supposed to sound genuine and interested in that way that adults try to talk to children with, but which sounded unintentionally sarcastic and condescending to me, and apparently also to the Doomlet): If I need any lessons in bike riding, I'll be sure to come to you! 

Doomlet, presumably keeping in mind that this woman witnessed him crash into a fence two minutes prior: Don't give me any grief, lady! 

All the adults laughed. 

 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8769

Posted
Posted
16 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Considered adding this, but had decided against it because so much of it depends on tone of voice (our household uses a lot of tone-based sarcasm, and the Doomlet is pretty precocious in this regard) and I didn't know how well it would translate. But in the interest of keeping things moving, I'll relent. But I'm warning you that it may suck. 

So the boy is learning to ride a balance bike. For those of you who don't know, it's a kid-sized bike but with no pedals, chain, sprocket, etc. - just powered by the legs of the child riding it. Pretty simple, and I guess it's kind of replacing the training wheels phase for the more agile and dexterous kids (not quite sure yet whether Doomlet has the finesse to skip training wheels or not...). 

We were out in the neighborhood the other day, with me walking and him on his balance bike. He was a little bit behind me (and regularly "accidentally" running into my heels) and doing a generally mediocre job at piloting his balance bike. At one point, he crashed into a fence post adjacent to the sidewalk. I explained to him (for what felt like the 400th time of the approximately 1,000 times on that short journey) how it's important to look where you're going, to drive in a straight line, etc. 

There was an older couple (mid 60s?) on the sidewalk about three or four houses back at the time he crashed into the fence post. They were close enough to witness the whole thing, but weren't close enough that they were directly involved in the event. We collected ourselves and made a little more progress before the couple got close enough to us that I needed to corral him into a yard and give them the room to pass by us on the sidewalk. Here's a rough transcription of the exchange that followed. 

Older man: That's a pretty cool bike you have! 

Doomlet: Thanks, it's a balance bike, I'm still learning, etc., blablabla (they have a little bit more generic bullshit awkward back and forth of little content or importance...)

Older lady, trying to chime in, (*and using a tone of voice that I'm certain was supposed to sound genuine and interested in that way that adults try to talk to children with, but which sounded unintentionally sarcastic and condescending to me, and apparently also to the Doomlet): If I need any lessons in bike riding, I'll be sure to come to you! 

Doomlet, presumably keeping in mind that this woman witnessed him crash into a fence two minutes prior: Don't give me any grief, lady! 

All the adults laughed. 

 

Can we all pitch in and buy the rest of the bike for doomlet?

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

Posted
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2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

The kid just fell off the toilet, bumped his head on the bathroom door, and got a minor scrape on the top of his finger where his hand slid under the door. 

I don't have very high hopes that he'll be able to skip the training wheels stage of learning to ride a bicycle. 

Same thing happened to me this morning. In my defense I was pretty hungover.

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Modessit

Modessit 5582

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Backstory: My friend Scott has a long-time girlfriend named Vivienne who may be the dumbest woman on the planet. Seriously. (I once told them the joke "Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated Arrrr!" and she said "Why? Is it scary?")

 

Today: We needed to get out of the house so we decide to go for a drive out to the town my wife grew up in so she could see a bunch of changes since she lived there. On the way home, we passed the neighborhood our friends live in and my wife told the kids that "Scott and Vivienne live right over there". My 4-yr-old daughter pipes up with "Can we go see Scott and The Minion?" My wife and I laughed our asses off. She will forever be "The Minion" in my mind from now on.

 

 

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Dnaguy

Dnaguy 11599

Posted
Posted

preface: Frozen 2 has been played > 3,000 times during quarantine.

Me: [singing] 

Daughter (3 years old): Dad, be quiet!

Me: Hey, this is my house. I can sing

Daughter: [squinting while index and thumb make the ‘tiny’ hand signal] Not if you’re going to be that pinchy!

Ne: Do you mean ‘pitchy’?

Daughter: No. PINCHY. [Laughs hysterically] 

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TheStoicPaisano

TheStoicPaisano 9849

Posted
Posted
21 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

The kid just fell off the toilet, bumped his head on the bathroom door, and got a minor scrape on the top of his finger where his hand slid under the door. 

I don't have very high hopes that he'll be able to skip the training wheels stage of learning to ride a bicycle. 

Ask him to draw you a flux capacitor. 

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Laxtonto

Laxtonto 11879

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Posted

My 4 year old loves dinosaurs. So he’s playing with his triceratops and tells me “Triceratops eats plants... he’s a herbivore “ so I ask him about his Tyransotrus Rex and he says “TRex eats meat, he’s a carnivore”... So I asked him what does daddy eat, and he just looked at me and said “mommie”.... 

 

touchet kid, touchet

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Laxtonto

Laxtonto 11879

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, Grade of D as in David said:

And a terrible speller

I’m extremely dyslexic... if the little squiggly red line don’t catch it, I’m pretty much screwed. I’m happy to be in the ball park so that’s it readable 

Edited by Laxtonto
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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6625

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We're @ SweetBerry Farms today, 2.5 miles W of Marble Falls.  I get bored because the strawberries are quite well picked over & what's there & ripe are 85% tiny (like pinky fingernails small) & I wander over to the horse, goat & donkey area.

 

I come back after 5 minutes & said to the wife & son "I think the donkey is pregnant".  The boy doesn't miss a beat & says "Well if she wasn't before, she probably is now."

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 20909

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It was shower time for The Doomlet a while ago, and instead of getting in the shower, he ran around the house with his dick out, so I asked him if he had a license to sell hotdogs. There was too much pandemonium for anyone pay attention to it and I assumed that it was just one of a thousand throwaway comments that happen in our house each day. 

But after the shower was over and he was in his pajamas, he asked me, "Dad, why did you ask me whether I had hotdog insurance?" 

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ernest_t_bass

ernest_t_bass 1196

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10 year old bought stuff to make slime with her own money.  Spent $20 or so.  She's getting slime everywhere, so we've restricted to the basement, which carpet is fucked.  I see some in her room last night. 

Dad - Keep it in the basement.  If I see stuff in your room, I'm going to throw it away.

Kid - That's MY stuff, and I spent MY money on it.  It's like throwing my money right in the trash. 

Dad - Look at these spots on the carpet.  Our carpet is ruined.  Carpet is hundreds of dollars.

Kid - Those are just small spots of the carpet.  It's ALL my slime stuff. So just a little bit of your money, but ALL my money, in the trash.

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