Shit My Kid Says

[workswithseed 2012]

On 6/4/2020 at 10:10 AM, ROFL BOX said:

If you've never been on a hot day & put on a pair of underwear directly out of the freezer then I cannot begin to explain the joy you're missing out on.

 

Yes, I said that.

[ABSR 5275]

19 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

Nah, I'm a  super Taoist autistic furry.

Fixed it.

[Modessit 5582]

I picked my kids up the other day from the sitter and my three year old got in the car going on and on about Jake. I asked her who Jake is and she looked me dead in the eye and said “Jake from farm”. Last night she had a toy phone and she was calling Jake from farm.

That commercial is on every ten minutes and she never noticed it. Now she will be talking about/to Jake from farm for months. It’s amazing what they can either ignore completely or latch on to.

My 4yo daughter had been going on about "Dave" lately. She picked it up from the movie "Abominable" ("Really, Dave?" "You darted Dave." Etc). Then apparently she overheard me playing Cheech and Chong's "Dave's not here" bit for my wife and now it's all a blend. She'll not mention it for days and then suddenly, "Let's talk about Dave!"

[Walden Ponderer 12638]

On 7/17/2020 at 12:56 PM, ABSR said:

Fixed it.

thats-the-joke.gif

Meanwhile:

Quote

Daughter:   What do you miss most?
Wife:    Ohhh! Roller coasters. Excitement, cold drinks with ice, big plates of nachos...
Daughter:   That's a pretty immersive roller coaster.

 

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

Said while talking trash during a BattleBots match - "I'm going to eat your butt like scissors in the microwave!" 

He eventually came back from an 0-2 deficit to win three games to two. 

[Hate 20061]

Said while talking trash during a BattleBots match - "I'm going to eat your butt like scissors in the microwave!" 
He eventually came back from an 0-2 deficit to win three games to two. 

[UTPhil2006 3773]

51 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Said while talking trash during a BattleBots match - "I'm going to eat your butt like scissors in the microwave!" 

He eventually came back from an 0-2 deficit to win three games to two. 

Can he gave pregame or halftime speeches to our football team

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

We had a brief talk about taking eating butts and other similar "is this kid talking about analingus?!" types of threats out of his rotation. 

Time will tell whether it sticks. 

Edited July 23, 2020 by Prepuce of Doom
Butts

[thunderlounge 7642]

58 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Time will tell whether it sticks. 

Narrator: it won’t. 

[harpercollins 394]

My 7 year old daughter has been misquoting Hamilton after every chore.

Me: “thanks for unloading the dishwasher!”

Her: “Hypocrites—we get the job done.”

Me: “Do you mean immigrants?”

Her: “No, I’ve always lived here!”

[achooloco 963]

On 7/9/2020 at 10:10 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

I can't recall whether I've mentioned it before, but Doomlet has pretty close to whatever the musical equivalent of a photographic memory is.

He and I were listening to the Judgment Night soundtrack today (highly underrated, by the way) and when the Slayer/Ice-T song came on, he said, "oh good, it's Slayer and tea cup!" 

Got damn, Talk about a good flick from my formative years .. just hesitant to call it old school but I guess that also applies 

[Superhero 8636]

Apparently my 5 year old has walked into my wife showering or changing...

Today he says to her: Mommy, you should shave your pee pee. It's really hairy.

 

I nearly died laughing. FWIW, my wife is not a hairy person and doesn't have a Demi Moore like bush, but having it trimmed back occasionally would be nice. 

[ROFL BOX 6625]

Curious - what age is sorta the cutoff for "kid" WRT this thread?  Roxette is up to 15 & Monster is 13 now.  The age of "innocent but funny as hell" is slipping away.

I mean, would @Armybrat get an entry for something one of his 50 year old kids say?

[Armybrat 40559]

Only one of my kids is over 50 (52). 

15? I forgot how quickly they can grow up.

Edited July 31, 2020 by Armybrat

[ROFL BOX 6625]

Going into her Sophomore year.  I guess the Santa call is going on 12 years ago, maybe 11-ish?

She's got motor-mania of sorts, has plans for owning / operating a mid-80's or older Chevy truck.

[Goofyboy 3013]

My son comes down after being in bed for a little bit (reading National Geographic - How Things Work) and he’s crying. He proceeds to tell us the sun is going to explode one day and that while he won’t be around, what’s the point of life and that everything is meaningless.

Seriously... my 9 year old had an existential crisis. He asked why are we here. He wants to know the meaning of life.... at 9.

Lots of fun at 9:45 at night.

[thunderlounge 7642]

1 hour ago, Goofyboy said:

My son comes down after being in bed for a little bit (reading National Geographic - How Things Work) and he’s crying. He proceeds to tell us the sun is going to explode one day and that while he won’t be around, what’s the point of life and that everything is meaningless.

Seriously... my 9 year old had an existential crisis. He asked why are we here. He wants to know the meaning of life.... at 9.

Lots of fun at 9:45 at night.

oh hell, just get him one of these:

 

[Goofyboy 3013]

oh hell, just get him one of these:
 

That mask is awesome.

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

Doomlet is regularly making the "index finger in and out of loose fist" fuck-gesture, and claiming that it's just "the worm trying to eat the apple." 

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3859]

Youngest to wife in regards to me-

'You're closing in on 30 years of marriage, you should know by now he dances offbeat to his own drummer.'

Edited August 6, 2020 by ShaggyBevo RIP

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

Your blood is going to curdle into cheese and then you can eat your own hands. 

[El Diablo 4232]

Gouda for you? 

[Longboard Horn 39900]

On 7/23/2020 at 1:04 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Said while talking trash during a BattleBots match - "I'm going to eat your butt like scissors in the microwave!" 

He eventually came back from an 0-2 deficit to win three games to two. 

[Slacks 6723]

Lil bro (now 12): "Why is your knee wrapped up? What happened?"
Big Bro (now 14): "These nuts hit it, that's what happened. They hang too low."


Just in case you thought things have changed due to covid.

[Buzzrock 14785]

“Hey Dad, I’m going inside, do you need another beer?”

Me:

[blacklab 11826]

Wife spent the day sewing and making masks. She made one out of some rainbow material and was trying it on.

11yo "Glad to see you're supporting the LGBT community"

 

[EE2B 1561]

7 year old to the 4 year old just now:
“I’ll lick your butthole dry!”

[Walden Ponderer 12638]

Angsty daughter to wife (on wife's birthday, no less):  

"Mama, your world is a sort of happy Muppetverse....I live in a dark, chaotic world where eyelash thieves are a thing."

[UTPhil2006 3773]

Wtf to the last 2 

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

I was getting ready to step in the shower and the boy was hanging out in the bathroom with me, and as I took a leak, I noticed him meatgazing. 

I asked him what he was up to, and he said he was "just checking out your big evil sack."

Edited August 27, 2020 by Prepuce of Doom

[Armybrat 40559]

20 hours ago, UTPhil2006 said:

Wtf to the last 2 

Why are you surprised?

These are the offspring of Surly posters.

[thunderlounge 7642]

27 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

These are the offspring of Surly posters.

 

You're definitely the resident expert on the multi generational effects of Surlydom. Trust this man.

[High Plains Drifter 10938]

 

9 yr old: What famous person died just before I was born?

Me: Uh, not sure, why?

9 yr old: Oh, I was just wondering who I was in my previous life.

[Jerry Callo 8631]

4 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

9 yr old: What famous person died just before I was born?

Me: Uh, not sure, why?

9 yr old: Oh, I was just wondering who I was in my previous life.

Bubba Smith or Elizabeth Taylor.

[High Plains Drifter 10938]

 

All I could think of right off the top of my head were Farrah Faucett and Michael Jackson, but they were about a year too early.

[Prepuce of Doom 20909]

Was just arguing with the boy about the importance of eating his breakfast before online kindergarten starts in 20 minutes, I got fed up and stormed out to go take my morning constitutional, and as I left the room, he yelled, "I hope you have mudbutt!!!" 

Pretty ballsy for a person who still requires outside assistance wiping his own ass. I was sorely tempted to respond with, "bitch, I have a bidet in my bathroom - fuck your mudbutt!" but of course I didn't. 

[cactusflinthead 27245]

Technical issues!

 

[Scheiss Meister 8321]

1 hour ago, cactusflinthead said:

Technical issues!

 

I am sooo typing "poop" on chat at random times tomorrow.

[High Plains Drifter 10938]

10 hours ago, cactusflinthead said:

Technical issues!

 

 

kid's got upper management written all over him.

[ROFL BOX 6625]

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[blacklab 11826]

10yo to wife after she told him to do something: "quit being such a Karen"

[Chad Fuck 17309]

Chad Jr. ripped a pretty good one at the dinner table. Mrs. F was rightfully appalled. She chastised him and he hopped up, pointed his bum at her, then pointed a finger at said bum and said, “Don’t talk to me, talk to the gaaaaas station!”

Also, if you haven’t checked out “Nathan Hale’s Hazardous Tales” do so. Chad Jr. was reading one about Lafayette and he started talking about he wanted to be General “why-ANN.” I was focused on something else and and was completely befuddled. “You know, ‘Mad Anthony why-ANN.” Wayne, CJ. Wayne.

[Armybrat 40559]

1 hour ago, Chad Fuck said:

Chad Jr. ripped a pretty good one at the dinner table. Mrs. F was rightfully appalled. She chastised him and he hopped up, pointed his bum at her, then pointed a finger at said bum and said, “Don’t talk to me, talk to the gaaaaas station!”

Also, if you haven’t checked out “Nathan Hale’s Hazardous Tales” do so. Chad Jr. was reading one about Lafayette and he started talking about he wanted to be General “why-ANN.” I was focused on something else and and was completely befuddled. “You know, ‘Mad Anthony why-ANN.” Wayne, CJ. Wayne.

He is almost ready for the Surly. Lol

[Chad Fuck 17309]

1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

He is almost ready for the Surly. Lol

All in good time.

[BigDHornfan 6512]

Not so much what he said, but the other day when my wife and I were on a zoom call with my 8 yr old son’s school to see how in person learning was going to be,
Our little fucking genius decided to do this with fucking Sharpies.

Took 20 minutes to get it off.


Guess he was going for a gay Deadpool look.

[Walden Ponderer 12638]

Conversation between my wife and daughter:

Quote

Wife: "I'm tired."

Daughter: "I would be, too, but I spent an entire dream filibustering a Nazi convention."

Wife: "What did you talk about?"

Daughter: "Time travel and macro nutrients. Plus a song about the color beige."

I've gotta get that girl drug tested.

[ROFL BOX 6625]

How old is said daughter (not asking for pics) that she is tuned in with "filibustering" & a "Nazi convention"?  I'm not even concerned about the time travel or nutrients thing.

[TonyTexas 10433]

 

[Armybrat 40559]

Awesome kid! Lmao

[Superhero 8636]

Me (to the kids):  "You guys are being REALLY annoying. Go upstairs because I don't want to see or hear you."

5 YO boy:  "Can we stay here if we turn off our camera and mic?"