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Shit My Kid Says

ROFL BOX

By ROFL BOX
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Hmbre97
Hmbre97

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

Post Oak
Post Oak

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

burns_312
burns_312

I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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texastough

texastough 1141

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Our 2 year old doesn't like to be told not to do things, of course, and usually responds by making a mad face/scary voice and announcing why he's going to do exactly what he wants to do. He's potty training and when he's not wearing a diaper during the day, he loves to play with his thing. Yesterday he had his hand down his pants and the nanny was telling him to get it out of there and stop touching himself. He looks at her and growls,

"My daddy said I can touch my weenie whenever I want!!!"

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21258

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Who knows with this kid... 

He's at a very specific stage of laziness, cleverness, and plausible incompetence that we still have to floss his teeth for him. As such, in order to get an optimal approach angle, we have him lay on his back at the foot of our bed with his head slightly hanging off the edge. And since we don't have a sink in that location, I just grab a Kleenex that I use to wipe the crud off of the flosser stick as I go. 

On especially productive nights, I'll show him the gross Kleenex covered in crud (or "abandoned meat" in his words) in order to try to drive home the importance and purpose of good oral hygiene. 

Tonight when looking at all of the many cruds, he informed me that, "a group or family of cruds is called an 'El Camino.'"

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OrangEngr

OrangEngr 1035

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1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Who knows with this kid... 

He's at a very specific stage of laziness, cleverness, and plausible incompetence that we still have to floss his teeth for him. As such, in order to get an optimal approach angle, we have him lay on his back at the foot of our bed with his head slightly hanging off the edge. And since we don't have a sink in that location, I just grab a Kleenex that I use to wipe the crud off of the flosser stick as I go. 

On especially productive nights, I'll show him the gross Kleenex covered in crud (or "abandoned meat" in his words) in order to try to drive home the importance and purpose of good oral hygiene. 

Tonight when looking at all of the many cruds, he informed me that, "a group or family of cruds is called an 'El Camino.'"

That’s my president.

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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 41316

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Youngest sister is 8, and goes to school through an online prep academy, so all of her classes are through zoom video conferencing.

Anyway, my mother sent me this from earlier this morning:

It was your sister’s first day back at school today. Today, her teacher did a lottery to see who would get to share their christmas breaks. The first student up: 
Teacher: Okay, [student], tell us about your christmas break! 
Student: I GOT TO HAVE 2 CHRISTMASES!!!
Teacher: Okay, how'd you get so lucky? 
Student: My mom threw my dad out because he's a dirty bastard and he has a new house. It's not dirty though. 
Teacher: Well, thank you [student]. Okay, next student. . . 

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Hate

Hate 20232

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My 12 year old son got himself a girlfriend at school this week.  We were talking on the way to school this morning and he told me he was thinking of breaking up with her already as it's too much drama.  He said he doesn't have time to hang out with her and his buddies.  He looked out the window, sighed, and said "bros before hoes". 

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markstanco

markstanco 12772

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My 12 year old son got himself a girlfriend at school this week.  We were talking on the way to school this morning and he told me he was thinking of breaking up with her already as it's too much drama.  He said he doesn't have time to hang out with her and his buddies.  He looked out the window, sighed, and said "bros before hoes". 
My 12 year old harmons are in high gear. He may be the opposite, a friend wanted him to spend the night but he is heading to a girls house saturday instead.
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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6654

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2 hours ago, markstanco said:
3 hours ago, Hate said:
My 12 year old son got himself a girlfriend at school this week.  We were talking on the way to school this morning and he told me he was thinking of breaking up with her already as it's too much drama.  He said he doesn't have time to hang out with her and his buddies.  He looked out the window, sighed, and said "bros before hoes". 

My 12 year old harmons are in high gear. He may be the opposite, a friend wanted him to spend the night but he is heading to a girls house saturday instead.

Sing it, @markstanco.

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8882

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7 hours ago, burns_312 said:

Laid down in bed with my freshly turned 5 year old and he let out a giant fart. Once he quit giggling, he looked me straight in the eye and said “dad I feel kinda moldy.”


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"freshly turned out"?  WTF?, Is he a fresh hooker?  You slavery trading bastard...

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burns_312

burns_312 356

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"freshly turned out"?  WTF?, Is he a fresh hooker?  You slavery trading bastard...

He turned 5 three days ago. You quoted shit that wasn’t there.

He followed it up tonight at a restaurant by asking his mom if she saw the waitresses butt jiggle when she was walking away from the table and then proceeded to get up and show us what he meant by wiggling his ass.


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demos

demos 3032

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4yo (daughter) is apparently an insurrectionist and has seceded:

“I went to America”.

“You aren’t in America now?”

“No.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m at Granny’s house.”

“Granny’s house isn’t America?”

“No.”

“Where is Granny’s house?”

“Texas”

Now give us back New Mexico, half of Colorado, the Cherokee strip and part of Wyoming.

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Slacks

Slacks 7019

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Picking up 12yo little bro from school. As he is getting in the car:

Sadly, with the crackling puberty voice of a 12 yo: "Oh no, I stepped in dog shit!"

He looks at me with the "oops face" for saying "shit".

I look back at him... "Shit! Dude get out!"

It was a moment.

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burns_312

burns_312 356

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Ol boy struck again tonight. Momma was in reading him a book before bed and she came out trying not to laugh. She said I needed to go in and have a chat with him because he kept hitting himself in the crotch. Since I was comfy in the recliner I called him out and asked him why he was doing it. He said, and I quote, it keeps sticking straight up in the air and I don’t like it.


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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21258

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9 hours ago, burns_312 said:

Ol boy struck again tonight. Momma was in reading him a book before bed and she came out trying not to laugh. She said I needed to go in and have a chat with him because he kept hitting himself in the crotch. Since I was comfy in the recliner I called him out and asked him why he was doing it. He said, and I quote, it keeps sticking straight up in the air and I don’t like it.


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Doomlet sticks his hand down his pants more often (and further...) than Al Bundy. Totally shameless about it, too.

He calls it "peening." 

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BigDHornfan

BigDHornfan 6625

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The 8 yr old has been talking a lot about boobs lately.  A lot.  Even has asked for "alone time" in his room with his iPad.  Wife caught him looking at boobs on it.

Picked him up at school the other day and he said something about boobs that I didn't quite hear.  I asked him to repeat it and he said, "Daddy, I don't want to talk about boobs right now, let's talk about my big juicy nuts."

About wrecked the damn truck I was laughing so hard.

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mininghorn88

mininghorn88 2330

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My kids are all adults now but my son had me when he was around 5.

Me: Quit running in the house!!

5yo Son: I am not running!

Me:  Yes you were. (assuming as such)

5yo Son walks over to me. Serious look on his face. Takes my hand and places it on his heart.

5yo Son: Dad, now if I were running wouldn't my heart be beating fast?

I had no words to say.

The son became a sprinter in high school and was the anchor leg on all of the relays.  And yes, it was a 4A (now 5A) public school.

 

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