Jump to content

Shit My Kid Says

ROFL BOX

By ROFL BOX
in Lulz

 Share

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 1.6k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

Hmbre97
Hmbre97

2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

Post Oak
Post Oak

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

burns_312
burns_312

I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

Posted Images

texastough

texastough 1098

Posted
Posted

Our 2 year old doesn't like to be told not to do things, of course, and usually responds by making a mad face/scary voice and announcing why he's going to do exactly what he wants to do. He's potty training and when he's not wearing a diaper during the day, he loves to play with his thing. Yesterday he had his hand down his pants and the nanny was telling him to get it out of there and stop touching himself. He looks at her and growls,

"My daddy said I can touch my weenie whenever I want!!!"

  • Hook 'Em 4
  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 20909

Posted
Posted

Who knows with this kid... 

He's at a very specific stage of laziness, cleverness, and plausible incompetence that we still have to floss his teeth for him. As such, in order to get an optimal approach angle, we have him lay on his back at the foot of our bed with his head slightly hanging off the edge. And since we don't have a sink in that location, I just grab a Kleenex that I use to wipe the crud off of the flosser stick as I go. 

On especially productive nights, I'll show him the gross Kleenex covered in crud (or "abandoned meat" in his words) in order to try to drive home the importance and purpose of good oral hygiene. 

Tonight when looking at all of the many cruds, he informed me that, "a group or family of cruds is called an 'El Camino.'"

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
OrangEngr

OrangEngr 1034

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Who knows with this kid... 

He's at a very specific stage of laziness, cleverness, and plausible incompetence that we still have to floss his teeth for him. As such, in order to get an optimal approach angle, we have him lay on his back at the foot of our bed with his head slightly hanging off the edge. And since we don't have a sink in that location, I just grab a Kleenex that I use to wipe the crud off of the flosser stick as I go. 

On especially productive nights, I'll show him the gross Kleenex covered in crud (or "abandoned meat" in his words) in order to try to drive home the importance and purpose of good oral hygiene. 

Tonight when looking at all of the many cruds, he informed me that, "a group or family of cruds is called an 'El Camino.'"

That’s my president.

  • Haha 1
  • Fuck Around and Find Out 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 39898

Posted
Posted

Youngest sister is 8, and goes to school through an online prep academy, so all of her classes are through zoom video conferencing.

Anyway, my mother sent me this from earlier this morning:

It was your sister’s first day back at school today. Today, her teacher did a lottery to see who would get to share their christmas breaks. The first student up: 
Teacher: Okay, [student], tell us about your christmas break! 
Student: I GOT TO HAVE 2 CHRISTMASES!!!
Teacher: Okay, how'd you get so lucky? 
Student: My mom threw my dad out because he's a dirty bastard and he has a new house. It's not dirty though. 
Teacher: Well, thank you [student]. Okay, next student. . . 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
  • Fuck Around and Find Out 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
Hate

Hate 20061

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

My 12 year old son got himself a girlfriend at school this week.  We were talking on the way to school this morning and he told me he was thinking of breaking up with her already as it's too much drama.  He said he doesn't have time to hang out with her and his buddies.  He looked out the window, sighed, and said "bros before hoes". 

  • Hook 'Em 11
  • Like 4
  • Haha 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites
markstanco

markstanco 12449

Posted
Posted
My 12 year old son got himself a girlfriend at school this week.  We were talking on the way to school this morning and he told me he was thinking of breaking up with her already as it's too much drama.  He said he doesn't have time to hang out with her and his buddies.  He looked out the window, sighed, and said "bros before hoes". 
My 12 year old harmons are in high gear. He may be the opposite, a friend wanted him to spend the night but he is heading to a girls house saturday instead.
  • Hook 'Em 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6623

Posted
  • Author
Posted
2 hours ago, markstanco said:
3 hours ago, Hate said:
My 12 year old son got himself a girlfriend at school this week.  We were talking on the way to school this morning and he told me he was thinking of breaking up with her already as it's too much drama.  He said he doesn't have time to hang out with her and his buddies.  He looked out the window, sighed, and said "bros before hoes". 

My 12 year old harmons are in high gear. He may be the opposite, a friend wanted him to spend the night but he is heading to a girls house saturday instead.

Sing it, @markstanco.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8769

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, burns_312 said:

Laid down in bed with my freshly turned 5 year old and he let out a giant fart. Once he quit giggling, he looked me straight in the eye and said “dad I feel kinda moldy.”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

"freshly turned out"?  WTF?, Is he a fresh hooker?  You slavery trading bastard...

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
burns_312

burns_312 353

Posted
Posted
"freshly turned out"?  WTF?, Is he a fresh hooker?  You slavery trading bastard...

He turned 5 three days ago. You quoted shit that wasn’t there.

He followed it up tonight at a restaurant by asking his mom if she saw the waitresses butt jiggle when she was walking away from the table and then proceeded to get up and show us what he meant by wiggling his ass.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Like 2
  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites
demos

demos 2978

Posted
Posted

4yo (daughter) is apparently an insurrectionist and has seceded:

“I went to America”.

“You aren’t in America now?”

“No.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m at Granny’s house.”

“Granny’s house isn’t America?”

“No.”

“Where is Granny’s house?”

“Texas”

Now give us back New Mexico, half of Colorado, the Cherokee strip and part of Wyoming.

  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Slacks

Slacks 6723

Posted
Posted

Picking up 12yo little bro from school. As he is getting in the car:

Sadly, with the crackling puberty voice of a 12 yo: "Oh no, I stepped in dog shit!"

He looks at me with the "oops face" for saying "shit".

I look back at him... "Shit! Dude get out!"

It was a moment.

  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Like 4
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
burns_312

burns_312 353

Posted
Posted

Ol boy struck again tonight. Momma was in reading him a book before bed and she came out trying not to laugh. She said I needed to go in and have a chat with him because he kept hitting himself in the crotch. Since I was comfy in the recliner I called him out and asked him why he was doing it. He said, and I quote, it keeps sticking straight up in the air and I don’t like it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  • Hook 'Em 3
  • Like 2
  • Haha 3
  • Rage+1 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 20909

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, burns_312 said:

Ol boy struck again tonight. Momma was in reading him a book before bed and she came out trying not to laugh. She said I needed to go in and have a chat with him because he kept hitting himself in the crotch. Since I was comfy in the recliner I called him out and asked him why he was doing it. He said, and I quote, it keeps sticking straight up in the air and I don’t like it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Doomlet sticks his hand down his pants more often (and further...) than Al Bundy. Totally shameless about it, too.

He calls it "peening." 

  • Hook 'Em 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
BigDHornfan

BigDHornfan 6512

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

The 8 yr old has been talking a lot about boobs lately.  A lot.  Even has asked for "alone time" in his room with his iPad.  Wife caught him looking at boobs on it.

Picked him up at school the other day and he said something about boobs that I didn't quite hear.  I asked him to repeat it and he said, "Daddy, I don't want to talk about boobs right now, let's talk about my big juicy nuts."

About wrecked the damn truck I was laughing so hard.

  • Hook 'Em 3
  • Haha 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites
mininghorn88

mininghorn88 2243

Posted
Posted

My kids are all adults now but my son had me when he was around 5.

Me: Quit running in the house!!

5yo Son: I am not running!

Me:  Yes you were. (assuming as such)

5yo Son walks over to me. Serious look on his face. Takes my hand and places it on his heart.

5yo Son: Dad, now if I were running wouldn't my heart be beating fast?

I had no words to say.

The son became a sprinter in high school and was the anchor leg on all of the relays.  And yes, it was a 4A (now 5A) public school.

 

  • Hook 'Em 2
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing


Football ... Basketball ... Baseball ... Other Sports ... Futbol ... 🤫995🤫 ... Gambling ... Movies & TV ... Music ... Hobbies ... Lulz ... Food & Travel ... Daily Texan ... Business and Markets ... Cloak Room ... Help ... For Sale ... Board Discussion ... Subscribe!... Donate!... Advertise... COOKIE MONSTER!

×
×
  • Create New...